Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 6
LEWIS: Welcome back to Day 6 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And I’m the man with the news! Tell me, Lewis. Does this crowd today seem all pumped up with excitement?
(We see some people in the crowd pumping on tire pumps blowing up some of the other people in the crowd.)
LEWIS: All of this excitement is because of the cheerleading squads each team has. Let’s listen to the Muppet Show cheerleading squad.
* * * * * *
(We see a bunch of penguins in cheerleading outfits holding pom-poms, shouting out this cheer.)
PENGUINS: TMS, TMS, We’re the best, TMS, GOOOO CLASSICS!!!
(The penguins start jumping up and down while throwing each other in the air.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Just what is the Muppet Show’s obsession with penguins?! They seem to be everywhere! It’s getting pretty tiresome!
(When Lewis wasn’t looking, a penguin sneaks up from under the desk and snatches Lewis’s sandwich.)
LEWIS: Hey, where’s my tuna fish sandwich?
* * * * * *
(Next, we see the Sesame girls, Zoe, Rosita, and Betty Lou, dressed in cheerleading uniforms and pom-poms cheering out for the Sesame team.)
GIRLS: Winning ways, playing hard ev’ry day! Gotta say, we really come to play! We’re the best team you can get, you can bet on Sesame Street!
1-2-3, rolling to vic-to-ry! Come and see, our guys just can’t be beat! We’re the best team you can get, you can bet on Sesame Street! You can bet on Sesame Street! You can bet on Sesame Street!
(The Sesame team starts to cheer along with the cheerleaders.)
* * * * * *
(Next, we see six cute little girl mice calling out their Big Blue House cheer.)
MICE: GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET EM, BIG BLUE HOUSE! GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, BIG BLUE HOUSE! We’re all cheering with a grin, so our favorite team… will WIN!!! YAY!!!
(The six mice get together and form a cute little pyramid.)
* * * * * *
STATLER: What a disappointment. I was hoping we’d see some hot looking twenty-something cheerleader babes in skimpy outfits.
WALDORF: Remember, we’re married men. Let’s imagine our wives in skimpy cheerleading outfits.
(The two old men do that and then start frowning.)
WALDORF: UURK! BIG MISTAKE!!!
STALTER: I’ll say! I’ve had three wives in my lifetime! Triple torture!!!
* * * * * *
(Finally, we see three Fraggle girls getting ready to do their cheer.)
FRAGGLES: Fraggles Rock! You Rock Fraggles! Fraggles Rock! You Rock Fraggles! Dance your peers away! Let them win another daa-aay! Let the Fraggle’s win! Get down, the Fraggles Rock!
FIRST FRAGGLE: Wait a minute, something’s not right.
SECOND FRAGGLE: It’s Frieda. She doesn’t have any pom-poms!
FRIEDA FRAGGLE: Oops! Wait there’s some over there!
(Frieda spies two orange pom-poms sticking out of the dugout and rushes over to grab them.)
RED’S VOICE: OUCH! HEY, THAT’S MY HAIR!
FRIEDA BLUSHING: Oops again! Sorry about that, Red.
(Red just looks at Frieda with an annoyed face.)
RED: You can let go of my pigtails at any time, now!
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: Aren’t they fabulous, folks? What do you think of those cheerleaders, Lewis?
LEWIS: Sorry, I was too busy looking for my tuna fish sandwich. Did you eat it?
NEWSMAN: Of course not, I brought my own today.
(Newsman looks at his plate and finds his sandwich gone as well.)
NEWSMAN: Hey, my sandwich is gone too! And it was a chili pepper and Tabasco sauce sandwich!
(Just then, the same penguin pops out from under the desk and smoke starts to blow out of his ears and fire comes out of his beak. Then the penguin starts to blast off like a rocket making a hole in the roof and blasting off into the sky.)
NEWSMAN: I guess those chili peppers really packed some fire power.
LEWIS: Where do you suppose that penguin will land?
NEWSMAN: I’d say back at the South Pole where he’ll never eat any more hot food ever again.
LEWIS: Well, back to the competition. Here comes today’s exciting event. Reporting live is our youngest reporter who is still in grade school, Prairie Dawn.
* * * * * *
MAZE RACE
* * * * * *
(We see Prairie Dawn standing right next to the entrance of a gray colored maze.)
PRAIRIE: Hello everybody. This is Prairie Dawn, bringing you the next event, a race through this very complicated and perplexing maze where our smaller athletes will be competing. All my life, I have always had this problem being vertically challenged. And I can relate to small people who aren’t big enough to play sports like football or basketball. So I am happy that they have created a sport that is perfect for the little people. And here come our tiny troopers now.
(Four small Muppets approach the maze’s entrance.)
PRAIRIE: Competing for the Muppet Show team is Rizzo the Rat, Cotterpin Doozer for the Fraggle team, Tutter the Mouse for the Big Blue House team, and Slimey the Worm for the Sesame Street team. If you kept up with the Sesame News, you will know that Slimey is an all around worm athlete, where he competed in both the Worm Winter and Summer Olympic games. Also this amazing worm actually went to the moon and made worm history. Now we get to see this worm wonder compete in the Muppet Maze Race!
OSCAR’S VOICE: Hold on a garbage picking minute here!
PRAIRIE: Look, here comes Oscar the Grouch, Slimey’s coach and guardian.
OSCAR: Listen up, Blondie! There’s some stuff I want to talk to you about before my worm races. (He hands some papers to Prairie.)
PRAIRIE: What is all of this?
OSCAR: Just some insurance policies you need to sign, saying that you’ll take full responsibility if my poor Slimey happens to get lost or injured during this event.
PRAIRIE: I cannot sign this! I am just a reporter! You should really be talking to the people in charge of this event!
OSCAR: I tried doing that, but they’re too snooty to talk to a grouch. So I’m coming to you. Either you sign this or Slimey doesn’t race!
PRAIRIE: Oh, all right! Anything to get this race started! (Prairie signs the papers.)
OSCAR: That’s better. Good luck, Slimey! (Slimey nods his head.)
REFEREE: On your mark, get set, BANG! (The four Muppets charge into the maze.)
PRAIRIE: And they are off! (Prairie runs over to the other side of the maze where a computer monitor resides.) We will be checking their progress on this monitor right here.
(We see a computerized maze with four dots moving around it.)
PRAIRIE: The brown dot represents Rizzo, the green dot is Cotterpin, the blue dot is Tutter, and the orange dot is Slimey. Who will be the first to come out of this perplexing maze filled with twists and turns?
OSCAR: My Slimey, no doubt!
* * * * * *
(We see Rizzo wandering around the maze all by himself)
RIZZO: Oh man, I never thought I’d be back in one of these evil things. It was bad enough in that science lab, AKA: prison! But luckily, I have a strategy.
(Rizzo takes out a bag of marshmallows, eats one, and then drops each one behind him.)
RIZZO: This marshmallow path I’m leaving behind will make it a lot easier to help me get out of this maze. Candyland, eat your heart out! (And he continues walking while dropping more marshmallows behind him. Just then, Slimey appears from a corner.)
SLIMEY(in a squeaky voice): YAY! MARSHMALLOWS! (Slimey starts swallowing each marshmallow whole while moving on.
* * * * * *
(Elsewhere in the maze, we see Cotterpin trying to find her way around.)
COTTERPIN: Gee, this place is huge and complex. I’ll bet my Doozer friends would love to build a place like this. Yeah, that’s a good idea!
(Cotterpin takes out a blueprint and starts scribbling on it while walking.)
* * * * * *
(We see Tutter wandering around the maze looking very nervous.)
TUTTER: Oh, why did I volunteer for this event?! This maze is so big and scary! I think I might even get lost forever! OH, HOW HORRIBLE! No wait! Get a hold of yourself, Tutter. Remember what Bear told me earlier…
(A flashback happens and we see Bear giving Tutter a pep talk in the locker room.)
TUTTER: Gee, Bear. I’m so nervous about this maze race. What if I don’t win, and most important, what if I get lost forever?! I might never see you or my friends again!
BEAR: Relax, Tutter. You won’t get lost. And if you do, the groundskeepers of this stadium will come in and help you get out that maze.
TUTTER: Are you sure, Bear?
BEAR: If you’d like, you don’t have to enter this event. Maybe either Ojo, or Pip, or somebody else on our team can fill in for you.
TUTTER: No, Bear. I really want to do this! This event is perfect for my size. Only I can fit in that maze.
BEAR: Okay, Tutter, if you’re really sure about this.
TUTTER: I am. I just hope I don’t lose and let everyone down.
BEAR: Listen Tutter. We all love you and will be proud of you even if you don’t win, just as long as you try your best. And remember, sometimes you don’t have to come in first place to feel like a winner.
TUTTER: What do you mean?
BEAR: You’ll see what I mean one of these days. But hey, maybe this’ll make you calmer during your race. (Bear hands Tutter a small bag.)
(Flashback Ends)
TUTTER: Oh yeah, Bear’s bag! (Tutter reaches into the tiny bag and pulls out another bag.)
TUTTER: Wow, cheese flavored potato chips! Bear knows how much I love these. This should make my maze race a much more happy one. Thanks Bear!
(Tutter opens the bag, munches on a chip, and continues through the maze.)
* * * * * *
PRAIRIE(looking at the monitor): Just look at our athletes make their way through the maze. Oh look, it looks like Rizzo has reached another dead end. He may have to turn back once more.
* * * * * *
RIZZO: Oh, great! Another dead end! Oh well. Back to the marshmallow path I created. Hey, where are my mallows?! (Rizzo finds all the marshmallows gone.)
* * * * * *
(In another part of the maze, we see Slimey swallowing the last marshmallow while his skinny body starts to puff up.)
* * * * * *
RIZZO: So much for my marshmallow plan. Now, how am I gonna get out of this tangled Great Wall?!
(Just then, a trap door opens up next to Rizzo and he sees another rat.)
RIZZO: Bubba, is that you?
BUBBA: Hey, Riz. How’s it hanging?
RIZZO: I’d rather not be hanging around this place. How’d you get in here?
BUBBA: Me and the other rats heard you got stuck in a maze. So we all dug you a tunnel so you can get out of here.
RIZZO: You mean I can leave this maze right away and get my victory?! I’ll do it! Wait a minute. I remember what Kermit told all of us.
(Rizzo sees a thought bubble with Kermit’s face in it.)
KERMIT: Remember everyone. Cheaters never win!
RIZZO: That’s right! Leaving the maze like this would be cheating! But wait. What if I suddenly misheard him? (He looks back at the thought bubble once again.)
KERMIT: Remember everyone. Cheetahs never win!
RIZZO(pretending to confused): Now why would a cheetah never win? They’re supposed to be the world’s fastest runners. And do I even look like a cheetah? Am I a cat? Do I have spots?
BUBBA: Uh, Riz? What are you talking about?
RIZZO: Aw, never mind. Show me the way to freedom, will ya’, old pal?
BUBBA: Right this way! (Rizzo climbs down into the tunnel as he and Bubba close the trap door.)
KERMIT IN THE THOUGHT BUBBLE: Lucky for him I’m only a thought in a bubble. Otherwise the real Kermit would probably kick his tiny butt!
* * * * * *
PRAIRIE: Oh dear! It looks like Rizzo’s blip on the monitor has gone out for some reason. Could he have left the maze? No, that is impossible! He has not even set foot out of the exit. Maybe the monitor has a glitch. Oh well. So far, it looks like Slimey is on his way to the exit. He might be the one who will win this maze race!
OSCAR: That’s my worm!
PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! It looks like Slimey has stopped.
OSCAR: You’re kidding!
PRAIRIE: I am afraid not, Oscar. Slimey’s blip seems to have stopped right here and it still isn’t moving.
OSCAR: Maybe he’s just tying his shoes. I wouldn’t want my worm to trip on his own shoelaces.
PRAIRIE: But worms do not have shoes or even feet!
* * * * * *
(We see Slimey stuck in the maze, all puffed up like a sausage. He was wriggling and trying to squeeze free with no luck.)
* * * * * *
(Prairie and Oscar both look at the monitor and saw that the orange blip was still not moving.)
PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! It appears that Slimey’s blip seems to be struggling.
OSCAR: Struggling?!
PRAIRIE: Yes, Slimey seems to be stuck somehow.
OSCAR: Oh, my poor worm! Somebody go in there and save him! I’m warning you, Dawn! If anything happens to Slimey, you’re gonna pay for his medical bills!
PRAIRIE: Why me?!!
OSCAR: Because you signed these papers!
PRAIRIE(reading the insurance papers): You expect me to pay this much?! That’s my whole year’s allowance!
* * * * * *
(Back in the maze, we see Tutter still wandering the maze while finishing his last cheese flavored chip.)
TUTTER: Yes, I feel a lot better now. That snack sure helped.
(Just then, Tutter heard a squeaky cry, “HELP ME!”)
A NERVOUS TUTTER: Who-oooo’s there? (Tutter turns a corner and sees a puffed up Slimey stuck in the maze.) You’re Slimey, aren’t you? What happened to you?!
SLIMEY: SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, MARSHMALLOWS, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!
TUTTER: You say you ate all these marshmallows and they all puffed up in your stomach causing you to expand and now you’re stuck in the maze?!
(Slimey nods in sadness.)
TUTTER: Don’t worry, Slimey. I’ll help you! (Tutter tries to push Slimey out, but he wouldn’t budge.)
TUTTER: Maybe if you were greased up, it’d be easier to push you.
(Tutter then looks at his empty potato chip bag, rubs the grease out of it, and spreads it all over Slimey.)
TUTTER: Okay, Slimey. Now suck it in and I’ll push. One, two, THREE! Yes, it’s working! (Tutter continues to push the greased up Slimey forward into the maze.)
* * * * * *
PRAIRIE: Look, it seems like Slimey is moving again, but very slowly. And it looks like Tutter is right behind him too.
OSCAR: Yay, Slimey! I knew nothing can hold you back. Hurry up and beat that little rodent!
* * * * * *
TUTTER: Just one more push and you should be out of here!
(Tutter backs up, charges, and crashes into Slimey causing the worm to get shot out of the maze exit like a torpedo. Slimey ends up landing next to Oscar’s feet.)
A HAPPY OSCAR(picking up Slimey): Slimey, you made it out! And in first place too! Oh, I am so proud of you! Say, have you gained weight since I last saw you? (Slimey only replies with a cute little burp.)
(The Sesame team starts to cheer from their dugout while the SS cheerleaders start cheering.)
PRAIRIE: Yes, it seems like Slimey was the first racer to come out of the maze, making him the winner of this event. And look, here comes Tutter coming out next, putting him in second place.
(A tired Tutter looks over at Oscar holding the happy worm.)
TUTTER: Wow, Bear was right. I don’t have to come in first place to feel like a winner. I helped out Slimey and it feels great!
(Prairie approaches Slimey.)
PRAIRIE: Wow, Slimey. At first you seemed to have stalled when you were approaching the finish. But you darted out of there like a loose cannon. You have won the event for your team and most importantly, prevented me from having to pay any insurance. What do you have to say to all your fans?
SLIMEY: Squeak, squeak, squeak, Tutter, squeak, squeak, squeak, Tutter, squeak, squeak, Tutter.
PRAIRIE: Um, what did he say, Oscar?
OSCAR: This is quite interesting. Slimey says he somehow got stuck in the maze and couldn’t get through. But Tutter came and helped him out by pushing him out of the maze and into first place. So he’s requesting that the judges award both him and Tutter first place, for he couldn’t’ve had that win without Tutter.
PRAIRIE(checking her earphone.) Yes, the judges are allowing Slimey’s request. So it looks like the winners of the maze race are both the Sesame Street team and the Big Blue House team! Let us congratulate both winners!
(Both teams start to cheer for Slimey and Tutter who were hugging each other while waving to the fans.)
TUTTER: Thank you, Slimey.
SLIMEY: No, thank you!
(Tutter then looks over at Bear who was giving him a proud paws-up.)
(Slimey looks over at Oscar, who ducks down in his can and comes back out with a, I HEART SLIMEY, cap and a giant beat up dirty glove pointing that says #1.)
* * * * * *
WALDORF: Aw, isn’t that touching. Maybe we can learn from those two if we suddenly make friends with the Muppets.
STATLER: Are you kidding? With friends like them, we’ll make even more enemies!
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!
* * * * * *
PRAIRIE: Look everyone. Here comes the next racer out of the maze, Cotterpin Doozer.
(Cotterpin slowly walks out of the maze still writing on her blueprint while Red approaches her.)
RED: Sorry you didn’t win, Cotterpin. But at least you made it out of the maze. So that’s at least something you achieved.
COTTERPIN: Oh, I achieved more than that, Red. I just had the inspiration for my newest Doozer construction.
(Cotterpin shows Red the blueprint of the very maze she went through.)
COTTERPIN: I was thinking, we can build it all over Fraggle Rock and make it homes to all those funny looking cave creatures that seem to pop up. We can call it something like a Labyrinth. Maybe they’ll make my idea into a movie someday.
RED: Just as long as we Fraggles get to eat it once it’s built.
PRAIRIE: So far, that’s three athletes who made it out of the maze. Now if only Rizzo will come out. I wonder if he’s even in the maze at all.
* * * * * *
(We see Rizzo and Bubba come out another trap door, somewhere.)
RIZZO: Yay, I made it out first! I WIN! I WIN! Wait a minute I don’t hear any cheering crowds! This doesn’t look like the finish line or the stadium!
(Rizzo looks around and finds himself in the wide open country.)
BUBBA: Who said I was taking you to stadium?!
RIZZO: You mean I didn’t cross the finish line and win?
BUBBA: No, you didn’t cross the finish line. But you did win something! Turn around.
(Rizzo turns around and finds himself on a dairy farm. And there were huge stacks of cheese with all of Rizzo’s rat friends nibbling away.)
RIZZO: Hey, a dairy farm! This is way better than winning some dumb maze race. Let me at that mozzarella! (And he dives into a bucket of shredded cheese.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: There you have it, sports fans. Both the Sesame and the Big Blue House teams won today’s event, Slimey for coming in first and Tutter for showing good sportsmanship, kindness, and brotherhood. Now let’s go to Digit for today’s scoring.
* * * * * *
(Digit opens up another slot in his chest exposing four knobs. He turns two of the knobs causing the Sesame Street and the Big Blue House sections on the scoreboard to say 2.)
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like both the Sesame Street and the Big Blue House teams are now leading with 2 points each while the Muppet Show and Fraggle Rock teams are tied for second at one point each. Back to you, Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Digit. Before we close Day 6, let’s get an update of the cross country bike race from Telly Monster.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly sitting in a wagon eating some Swiss cheese.)
TELLY: I wonder why Swiss cheese always has holes in it. Maybe each hole leads to different dimensions if you try really hard to push yourself through them. What do you think? I’ll be traveling in the air? Oh, I’m on the air. OOPS! Huh, huh! This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot, reporting live from Old MacDonald’s Dairy Farm. Any minute now, our cyclists will be passing through here on this path. And here they come now! It looks like Beaker is in the lead, with Doc Hog in second, Traveling Matt in third, and the Count in fourth.
(We see Rizzo pushing a small wheelbarrow of cheese across the path.)
RIZZO: This should keep me in total cheese bliss for, let’s say, about a lifetime. HA HA HA!
(Rizzo turns around and sees the four cyclists speeding down the path.)
RIZZO: AAAAAHHHHH!
(Rizzo runs away leaving the wheelbarrow behind and the cyclists end up running over the wheelbarrow smashing it and all the cheese to bits.)
(A sad Rizzo comes back out on the path and looks at all his squashed cheese with dirty tread marks all over them.)
RIZZO: My poor little cheeses! You’ve become street pizza! And without the crust, tomato, and pepperonis neither. That’s total injustice!
(The thought bubble with Kermit in it reappears.)
KERMIT: See, Rizzo. I told you cheaters never win! You had to learn the hard way!
RIZZO: Normally, I wouldn’t slug the real Kermit since he’s my boss. But you’re only a thought bubble with a fictional frog in it. Which means….!
KERMIT: OH NO! (Kermit watches in fear as Rizzo takes out a pin and pops the thought bubble causing it to fly around all over the place like a balloon.)
KERMIT: YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN RID OF ME FOR NOW, BUT NEXT TIME YOU DO WRONG, I’LL BE BACK AND I’LL TAKE THE FORM OF YOUR MOTHER!
(The thought bubble deflates and hits the camera. Telly reaches over and pulls the deflated Kermit bubble off the lens and throws it away.)
TELLY: Pesky bugs. Anyway, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. That’s all for today, tune in next time for Day 7 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. This is Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And this is the Newsman, signing out.
LEWIS: We should probably do something about that penguin shaped hole in our roof.
NEWSMAN: Yeah, before something dangerous falls through it and lands on me as usual!
LEWIS: Now what dangerous thing can possibly fall through a penguin shaped hole? Other than a penguin?
(Just then, something hard falls through the penguin shaped hole and lands on the Newsman.)
A FLATTENED NEWSMAN: Make that a 500 pound statue of a penguin!
(A confused Lewis looks up at the hole and then down at the penguin statue crushing the poor Newsman.)
LEWIS: Turn off the camera before more questions start getting asked!
(Camera goes off.)
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I want to thank my friends from the Muppet Central Forums for writing those wonderful cheers for each team. Fragglemuppet for the Muppet Show cheer, DTF for the Sesame Street cheer, BEAR for the Big Blue House cheer, and Beauregard for the Fraggle Rock cheer. You made this Muppet fanfic more fun and interesting.
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