Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

[Xerus]

I was excited to see a new chapter written. I particularly liked the melting witch bit. Totally random and unexpected. Only the Muppets would have something happen like that. Also the poor Honker and Sherlock was hilarious. I enjoyed Sherlock's "old bean" line. One of my favorite British expressions. Hilarious!!

Thank you, Bear. I just had to put in a Honker somewhere in my story. And I thought a witch in that crowd of Muppets would be a nice touch. I'm glad you liked it.

 

[TogetherAgain]

RUBBER DUCKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love the Rubber Duckie plot! It's so *squeak squeak squeak*!

And Gonzo is AWESOME! And Digit's autographed lightbulb... heeheeheeheehee... love it love it love it!

 

[The Count]

So much funny... Where to start.
When Beaker got squirted by the red liquid from the bicycle... Knew what was coming.
Ernie losing Rubber Duckie and going to the dugout/locker room to find him... Thought you'd bring in a scene reminiscent of Ernie messing up the apartment, but Sherlock's cameo worked well.
In my Big Bird's Big Book of Activities, I remember bits with Sherlock calling Ernie "Ernest instead.
Loved how you had Red representing the Fraggles, she'll be especially keen of her appearance over in the dorms.
Gonzo's dive... What can I say...
Where you going for a rainbow effect with his electric lights? Will let you go with purple, though it should be indigo and violet.
Works OK with purple instead.

The Grim Reaper Muppet, nice touch. Does he have a Jamaican accent like in the animated series? Though you could've used The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come as well.
And the autographed lightbulb Digit had... Another nice touch, laughed when it exploded.

Definitely one of your best chapters Xerus.

 

[BEAR]

Thank you, Bear. I just had to put in a Honker somewhere in my story. And I thought a witch in that crowd of Muppets would be a nice touch. I'm glad you liked it.

The Honkers are some of my favorite characters on Sesame Street. I wish they were featured more.

 

[Beauregard]

I loved this latest chapter, as ever. It's great! Glad that Gonzo won!

 

[Xerus]

Thank you again for your kind words about my next chapter. Yeah, Count. I had thought about the Cartoon Network's Grim Reaper while writing this. But this was a Muppet Reaper instead of an animated one. And yes, The Ghost of Xmas Yet to Come from MCC would be a good Muppet to play the Reaper.

 

[G-MAN]

Encore, Encore, more story, more story

 

[Xerus]

Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

By Cullen Pittman

Day 8

LEWIS: Hello again sports fans to Day 8 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.

NEWSMAN: And I’m the big N-man known as the Newsman.

LEWIS: If you’ve all been tuning in these past few days, you’ve seen updates on the heavy duty cross country bicycle race and four Muppet athletes pedaling their hardly seen legs off on their bikes. Just what is it that keeps these Muppets riding for many vigorous days without a break? It’s really good coaches that drive them to do their best.

NEWSMAN: Where do they drive them? To the movies, to restaurants, or just ride around the country and waste expensive gas?

A SIGHING LEWIS: Two many things have fallen on your head over the years. Anyway, we happen to have one of the cyclist’s coaches here in the booth with us. It’s The Count’s coach and girlfriend, The Countess.

(The camera turns to the left and we see a female version of the Count brushing her blonde hair.)

COUNTESS: 94 strokes, 95 strokes, 96 strokes, 97 strokes.

LEWIS: Excuse me, Miss. Countess. But is it true that you’re a loving girlfriend to the Count, but also a strict coach as well?

COUNTESS: Well dahling, I’ll tell you how it went with my manly and batty Count. I had him doing push ups, chin ups, fang ups, and riding his bicycle for many hours. I asked him when he’d like to stop, but he refused. He wanted to keep going. So far, my beloved has done over 1000 push ups and bike laps.

LEWIS: Wow! It sounds like The Count had a lot of endurance to keep all that up.

COUNTESS: Mainly because he didn’t want to stop all that counting. My dahling Count’s counting endurance is a lot stronger than his physical endurance.

LEWIS: And there you have it sports fans, an athlete who relies on counting power to get him through this rugged bike race.

COUNTESS: That’s right. Never underestimate the power of counting. And now I must get back to counting my hair strokes. 98 strokes, 99 strokes, 100 soothing hair strokes! HA HA HA HA!

(Suddenly lightning appears in the booth surprising both Lewis and the Newsman. Then it starts to rain in the booth!)

LEWIS: Who turned on the sprinklers?! Is there a fire?!

NEWSMAN: At least it’s not coming down in buckets. OH NO! What’d I just say?!

(And sure enough, heavy metal buckets came falling down on the Newsman.)

COUNTESS(looking in the mirror) My beautiful hair is wet and ruined. Oh well, that means I get to brush my hair again! Oh, vunderful! One wet hair stroke, two wet hair strokes…!

(Lewis starts to wring out his wet microphone like it was a damp sock.)

LEWIS: This is Lewis Kazagger bringing you to the event of the day. Reporting live once again is retired game show host, Guy Smiley.

* * * * * *

OBJECT THROWING

* * * * * *

GUY: Hello again, sports fans. This is Guy Smiley giving you the report of today’s event. The any kind of object throwing event. You see, the committee had trouble deciding on what our athletes should be throwing. Either javelins, discusses, shot puts, or hammer balls. So we’ve decided that the athletes will get to choose what they’d like to throw and they’ll be judged on the weight and distance each object is hurled. And look, here come some members of the Fraggle team going over to the cart to choose which item their chosen athlete will throw.

* * * * *

WEMBLEY: Wow, Gobo. Do you think I’d be the best one to compete in this event?

GOBO: Sure, Wembley. Back in Fraggle Rock, I trained you to throw all sorts of things like pebbles, sticks, radishes, and even Boober’s lucky hat. But by accident though.

WEMBLEY: I remember. Boober was not very happy. But at least we got his hat back from that great big hat sitting creature.

RED: Don’t worry about a thing, Wembley. Just relax and have fun throwing out there.

WEMBLEY: Thanks Red.

RED(with a stern look): And remember, Wembley. We’re in last place right now! So I advise that you don’t mess this up! OR ELSE!!!

WEMBLEY(shaking): Or else what?

RED: Please don’t force me to answer that. You would not like what I’ll have to say!

GOBO: Red, don’t make Wembley nervous like that! Remember, you didn’t do so well in your diving event.

A BUMMED RED: Touche!

GOBO: Don’t listen to Red, Wembley. Just choose your object to throw and hope that you’ll do your best.

WEMBLEY: Okay, Gobo. (Wembley approaches the cart and tries to decide.) Hmm, I could try throwing a shot put. But it looks too heavy. Maybe I’ll try a hammer ball. But a hammer might break my nails! I know, the javelin! But it looks so sharp that I might poke my eye out or somebody else’s! Maybe I’ll try the discus, it looks light and safe. No wait. It looks a lot like Boober’s hat! It’ll bring back that bad memory! What should I do?! Shot put, hammer ball, javelin, discus! OH NO! I CAN’T DECIDE! (Steam starts shooting out of Wembley’s ears and he starts running around in circles.)

RED: Oh no! He would have to get a Wemble attack at this time!

GOBO: He probably wouldn’t have if you didn’t threaten him about us being in last place.

RED: Hey, it’s what a coach does!

* * * * * *

GUY: It looks like the Fraggles are having a tough time deciding on what object to throw. It’s just lucky for them they’ll be competing last. Right now, here comes the thrower for the Big Blue House team stepping into the ring. It’s Jack the Dog. And it looks like he’s going to be throwing the javelin.

(Jack walks into the ring with a long javelin in his mouth. Then he puts it in his paw and starts to throw it.)

GUY: Yes, he’s throwing it. And it looks like a good distance too.

(Just then, Jack starts to pant and stomp his hind foot. He then runs out of the ring and grabs the javelin with his mouth.)

GUY: Wait a minute! It appears Jack has left the ring and has caught the javelin before it has a chance to land. Now he’s returning to the ring. He’s going to throw it again. And he has. Wait a minute again! Jack is rushing out of the ring once more and has caught the javelin and is bringing it back. Now he’s throwing it, going after it, and bringing it back! Doesn’t he know this is not the way to throw a javelin?

(In the Big Blue House dugout.)

OJO: What’s Jack doing? Doesn’t he know he’s not supposed to bring back the javelin once he throws it?

BEAR: Oh dear. I’m afraid that Jack’s dog instincts are kicking in. Once he sees a stick flying, he has this urge to fetch it.

(Guy rushed over to Jack who has brought the javelin back to the ring for the sixteenth time.)

GUY: Mr. Jack. Why are you doing all of this? Don’t you know you’re supposed to wait till the javelin hits the furthest ground?

JACK: I know! But I just can’t help myself. I gotta fetch sticks, just like how bears gotta sniff, mice gotta eat cheese, otters gotta swim, and lemurs gotta be hyper-active.

(The Big Blue House team look at each other funny.)

(Jack then takes out a leash attached to a spike.)

JACK: If you’ll be so kind to post this spike and tie this leash around my neck, this event will go much better for me.

GUY: Anything for man’s best friend. (Guy posts the spike and puts the leash around Jack’s neck.) We’ll see if this unusual strategy will help Jack win.

(As Guy gets out of the way, Jack throws the javelin one last time. He tries to go after it, but the leash he was attached to, stopped him from getting it. And the javelin finally lands.)

GUY: Jack’s finally done it and according to the judges. He’s thrown that javelin 10 feet.

(The Big Blue House team starts cheering for Jack while he makes a proud howl. Then he rushes to his team but forgets about the leash and falls down.)

OJO: Poor Jack.

BEAR: Don’t worry, I’ll fetch him. (And he leaves the dugout.)

* * * * * *

GUY: Our next thrower is Fozzie Bear from the Muppet Show team. And it looks like he’s chosen a discus.

(We see Fozzie in the ring getting ready to throw his discus, until…)

WALDORF: Hey, Bear! Try not to throw your back out!

STATLER: Yeah, you already threw away your funny bone!

W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!

FOZZIE: Listen you guys. Do not heckle me. I’m just here to compete in a sporting event. I’m not here to make you laugh today!

WALDORF: When have you ever?!

FOZZIE: Will you stop that?! This is not the time for me to tell jokes!

STATLER: You’re right. It’s the time for you to be a joke!

W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!

FOZZIE: Just ignore them, Fozzie. Just throw the discus.

W & S: HEEEEEEY, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR!!!!

GUY: Uh oh! It looks like Fozzie is distracted. Will he be able to concentrate on his throw?

W & S: HEEEEEEEY, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR!!!!

FOZZIE: That does it! I can’t take this anymore. Scooter, bring me another discus!

SCOOTER: Here you go, Fozzie. (Scooter rushes over with a second discus.)

FOZZIE: Thanks Scooter. This is just what I need. (Fozzie takes out a can of whipped cream and sprays it on top of the discus Scooter is holding. Then he sprays the first discus as well. Fozzie takes both of the cream filled discuses and holds them up making them look like cream pies. Then he smiles wickedly at the two old men.)

STATLER: Uh oh! What’ve we driven him too?!

FOZZIE: Here’s my joke for today. What did the discus throwing bear say when the two old hecklers wouldn’t leave him alone? He said, “This DISCUS-sion is over!” (And Fozzie hurls the two pies at the men.)

WALDORF: Duck Statler! Fire in the hole! (The two old men duck down under their seats, hoping the pies would hit the two other people behind them. A few seconds have passed.)

STATLER: Do you think the pies have passed?

WALDORF: Probably, let me check. (Waldorf takes a quick peak, and sees the pies slowly coming their way. (No, stay down! Those pies seem to be taking their time!)

STATLER: How can that bear be able to throw pies at such a slow speed? Why can’t his material be that quick?

(W & S look up and see the pies slowly pass over them.)

WALDORF: Ah, that’s a relief. We can get back up now.

(But when Waldorf and Statler returned to their seats, the pies started to boomerang and threw themselves in the faces of the two old men.)

WALDORF: How’d he do that?!

STATLER: Maybe this cream was made in Australia.

(A smiling Fozzie walks up to the two cream covered old men.)

FOZZIE: Remember, old hecklers. Never tick off a bear who used his entire college fund to go to clown college instead of Harvard! AAAAAH!

GUY: And there you have it. Fozzie has thrown two discuses with cream filling at two elderly old men. Don’t you just love American sports? And the judges say he threw those pies 5 feet, which puts the Muppet Show team behind the Big Blue House team.

FOZZIE: I may not have won. But it was worth it. HA HA HA HA! (Fozzie continues laughing while Statler and Waldorf continue wiping themselves clean.)

* * * * * *

GUY: And now here comes the thrower for the Sesame Street team. It’s everyone’s favorite bad sport, Oscar the Grouch.

(A walking garbage can steps into the ring and sets itself down while everyone cheers. Then an angry Oscar pops his head out.)

OSCAR: Will you all pipe down! All this praise is gonna ruin my grouch mojo!

GUY: And it looks like Oscar has chosen a shot put to throw. Can he throw such a heavy thing really far?

(In the Sesame dugout.)

BERT: Why is Oscar competing in this event?!

ERNIE: He asked me to put him in.

BERT: Why is he even on our team?! You know grouches hate to win! Knowing Oscar, he’ll probably throw the game!

ERNIE: But Bert. Isn’t this a throwing event? KEE HEE HEE HEE!

BERT: I mean Oscar might lose on purpose!

ERNIE: Don’t worry, Bert. Oscar gave me his grouch’s word that he’ll throw that ball as hard as he can. Otherwise, he’ll give up being a grouch forever.

BERT: Oscar actually said that? Well, maybe we got nothing to worry about. Oscar would never give up his grouchy ways.

GUY: It looks like Oscar is starting up this throw.

OSCAR: Here’s the wind up and the pitch. And off you go! (Oscar throws the ball.)

GUY: And look at that ball fly! It’s now flying over the crowd! It looks like it might even leave the stadium.

(Suddenly, the ball explodes and a storm of yucky garbage lands on the crowd making them all messy.)

WALDORF(wiping off the last of the cream): We did it, Statler. We’re all clean again.

STATLER(looking up at the sky): You had to say those words, didn’t you?

(Garbage ends up falling on the two old men making them messy once again.)

GUY: Uh oh! It turns out that wasn’t a shot put Oscar threw after all. Just a huge exploding garbage ball! According to the judges, the Sesame team has just been disqualified for that stunt!

(Everyone boos while Oscar proudly waves at them.)

OSCAR: Talk about an ungrateful crowd. I gave you all some of my best trash. (The crowd starts to throw the trash back at Oscar.) You’re even returning it to me! Oh well. More trash for me!

(An angry Ernie and Bert approach Oscar.)

BERT: Oscar, what did you just do?!

ERNIE: Yeah, you promised me!

OSCAR: Hey, I only promised you that I’d throw the ball as hard as I could. But I didn’t say what kind of ball! Heh heh heh! Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m off to relax in a trash pile to celebrate a nice non-victory.

(Oscar ducks down in his can, sprouts out his feet, and runs off while an angry Bert screams and chases after him while banging on his trash can lid.)

ERNIE: And Bert hates it when I make that sound on my drums.

* * * * * *

(Meanwhile, Wembley was still trying to decide what object to throw.)

WEMBLEY: Oh dear. I can’t decide! I can’t decide! I CAN’T DECIDE!

(Then Wembley’s girlfriend, Lou, walks in.)

LOU: Hi Wembley. Are you hoping you’ll do well in your event?

A BLUSHING WEMBLEY: Oh, hi Lou. Yeah, I’m hoping I’ll do well too.

LOU: I just want you to know that I’ll be cheering for you to win, just like you did for me when I did the pole vault.

WEMBLEY: Thanks Lou. I’m just sorry you didn’t win it. I guess I didn’t cheer hard enough.

LOU: That’s okay. Any cheer from you, big or small, makes me feel wonderful. And I hope I can do the same for you. (Wembley just stands there silently while hearts dance around him and he starts stroking the hammer ball he was next to.)

LOU: Oh, are you going to choose the hammer ball to throw?

WEMBLEY(snapping out of his love trance): Oh this. Do you want me to?

LOU: Why not? I always thought hammer throwers were very cool and interesting.

WEMBLEY: Okay, the hammer throw it is.

LOU: Wonderful, I can’t wait to watch you. See you later. (And she walks back to the dugout.)

(Wembley pulls on the metal wire attached to the hammer ball. But the ball was so heavy, that it landed on the ground with a THUD!)

WEMBLEY(gasping): I gotta do this, for Lou! (Wembley starts to drag the heavy ball onto the field.)

GUY: And here’s comes Wembley, the thrower for the Fraggle Team. And he’s chosen a hammer throw ball.

GOBO: Why is Wembley choosing that?! I never trained him how to throw one of those heavy things!

MOKEY: I think I might know why. (The Fraggles turn over to Lou, who starts cheering for Wembley.)

GUY: Now Wembley is in the ring. And he’s getting ready to hurl the hammer ball. But wait, he’s not even starting!

(Wembley tries to pull the ball off the ground, but it was too heavy for him.)

GUY: Uh oh! Maybe this little Fraggle should’ve chosen something lighter, like my stock broker’s brain.

(Wembley looks up and sees his fellow teammates looking concerned, then over to Lou who was looking really worried and sad for him.)

WEMBLEY: THIS IS FOR LOU!!!! (Wembley’s little heart suddenly grew into a huge pumping muscle as he finally pulled the hammer ball off the ground and started swinging it around like a ceiling fan.)

GUY: Whoa! Look at Wembley go! He’s spinning like an out of control merry go round. Now he’s launched the ball, and look at it fly into the sky. And it’s going over the crowd!

(The Fraggles in the dugout start to cheer, especially Lou.)

GUY: And there’s something that seems to be attached to the end of the handle. Something small and furry. Maybe Wembley tied some kind of love banner on it before throwing to show his affection for a certain girl.

(The Fraggles look happy for Lou as she blushed.)

GUY: Wait a minute, we have a camera close up of the ball and it’s not a banner, it’s Wembley! Somehow, he didn’t let go of the handle and he’s flying along with the hammer ball he just threw!

(The TV monitor shows Wembley hanging onto the flying hammer ball with his dear life while he screams.)

GOBO: How’d this happen?!

RED: Knowing Wembley, he couldn’t decide when to let go of the ball after throwing it!

LOU: Oh no! Poor Wembley!

BOOBER: Hey, I’m the one who always says, “Poor, insert name here!”

GUY: And now Wembley and his flying ball have flown out of the stadium and they seemed to have landed in the parking lot! Follow me, camera crew! (Guy and his crew rush out of the stadium exit while all the worried Fraggles follow after him. And Boober follows after them carrying a huge medical kit.)

* * * * * *

(When they got to the parking lot, they found that Wembley had landed safe and sound in a parked garbage truck.)

GOBO: Wembley, are you okay?

(Wembley raises his head out of the garbage with a banana peel on his head.)

WEMBLEY: Yeah, I think so. Luckily this trash heap saved me.

MOKEY: Ah, beautiful Trash Heaps. Not only do they give out wisdom, but they’re total heroes too!

A PUZZLED GUY: A trash heap giving out wisdom?! Hmmm, must be a Fraggle thing. (Guy listens to his earpiece.) According to the judges, Wembley has throw his object the furthest making the Fraggle team the winner!

WEMBLEY(climbing out of the truck): What, you mean I won?!!! (The Fraggles start cheering for Wembley as they picked him up and carried him back to the stadium. But then they stopped cheering and shouted, “PU!” and they dropped him onto the ground.)

RED: Sorry, Wembley. But I think we’re actually gonna take Boober’s advice and not touch a stinky Fraggle. (Wembley starts to sniff himself and frowns.)

WEMBLEY: Eyeew! I don’t blame you!

(Everyone quickly backed away, except for Lou who started hugging Wembley.)

WEMBLEY: Lou, you’re sticking by me? But I’m so smelly!

LOU: Don’t worry, Wembles. I’ll stick by you no matter how filthy you are! (And she gives Wembley a quick kiss on his dirty cheek, making him all lovestruck. Half of the Fraggles watching go, “AWWWW!” While the other half hold their noses and go, “EYEWWW!”)

OSCAR(rising from the garbage): Will you fuzzballs cut out the disgusting happyfest? I’m trying to meditate in my little trash spa! (And he climbs out of the truck carrying what looks like another shot put ball.)

GUY(with a clothespin on his nose): And dere you haf id spords fans. Dis is Guy Smiley brinink you bag do Dewis!

* * * * * *

(We see Lewis and the Newsman wearing raincoats while trying to mop their rain soaked booth dry.)

LEWIS: Well Guy, we were too busy mopping up the Countess’s indoor storm to know what happened with today’s event. So let’s go to Digit with the scoring.

* * * * * *

DIGIT: Well Lewis. With the Fraggle team winning today’s event, all four teams are tied with 2 points each.

* * * * * *

LEWIS: And there you have it sports fans, another tie by all four Muppet teams. But can at least one of them come out the big winner once this tournament is over? Find out on Day 9 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.

(Newsman looks at the now clean booth and wipes his brow)

NEWSMAN: I’m glad this place is clean and dry again. We should get a reward for all our hard work. (Just then, a ball flies through the door and Newsman catches it.)

NEWSMAN: Hey, look Lewis. We did get a reward. Somebody threw us a nice black ball.

(Lewis looks at the ball and reads the writing on it.)

LEWIS: Just a small filthy gift from OSCAR?!!! Quick, Newsman! Throw that ball out of here!

NEWSMAN: All right. Should I use my backhand?

LEWIS: JUST THROW IT!!!

(Before Newsman could throw it out the door, the ball exploded and covered the entire booth with garbage.)

NEWSMAN(with coffee grounds on his head): Oh no! And after all that hard work to clean up this place!

LEWIS(with an old sock on his nose): And trash pickup isn’t till Thursday! YUCK!!!

OSCAR(peeking his head in the door): You two are just as ungrateful about my trash as that crowd! Oh well. (Oscar takes out a shovel and starts scooping the trash back into his can.)

A DIRT COVERED LEWIS: Camera off!

(Camera goes off.)

 

[TogetherAgain]

HA! Man, I don't know how many times I laughed reading this, but it sure was a lot!!!!!!!! This is great! I can't wait for day nine!

 

[The Count]

A fine chapter there Xerus. The line about the bicyclists peddling with their almost-never seen legs was a nice touch.

The Sesame team got disqualified? Rats!
No, I didn't call you guys.
*Shoos off Muppet rats.

The one thing I need to point out is that the opening bit with the Countess. This was wery vonderfully done... But, like many others, there's no name after the title of "Countess" to specify which of the two it is: Dhaling van Dahling or Countess von Backwards. However, what with the clues of the "dahling" speech and her blonde hair, we can tell which one it was and I'm inclined to let it slide.

You know... For a bunch of creatures whose main hobby is aquatics, the Fraggles haven't done that well at the pool events. But I'm glad Wembley got a win thanks to his sweet Lou.
Nice touches all around. Hope to get an update on the bike race on Day 9, that is if you include it.
And keep the story coming!

Oh, and a belated Happy B-Day buddy.