Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 5
(We see Lewis Kazagger and the Newsman in the announcer box.)
LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 5 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And I’m the guy with the nose for news, Newsman. Uh oh! I think I feel a sniffle coming on! (He starts to blow his nose.)
LEWIS: Must you do that on live TV, Newsie?! Where’s your spray?
NEWSMAN: Do you know how expensive the pharmacy is?! I needed the money to buy this new gold sports casting jacket! The last one I bought went out of style since yesterday! And rumor has it that this jacket will go out of style in a few minutes! Which is why I need to start saving!
LEWIS(sighing): Well sports fans. If you tuned in to our last few days, you’ll know that the Fraggle, Big Blue House, and Sesame Street teams are now tied with one point each. While the Muppet Show team is the only one in last place with a big zilcho.
NEWSMAN: Zilcho? I hope that’s not contagious.
LEWIS: Just keep blowing your nose. Anyway, let’s get an update about the cross country bicycle race from our Monster on the Spot, Telly.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly in reporting from the branches of a tall tree.)
* * * * * *
TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, giving you an update on the bike race. Our bikers have just left the city and are pedaling through the country with the Count leading, Beaker in second, Doc Hog in third, and Traveling Matt bringing up the rear. And what a nice day to be riding through the country too! Jut look at that beautiful field of flowers.
COUNT: What lovely flowers! There’s nothing like stopping to count the flowers!
(Count pulls over to the flower field while the others pass him.)
COUNT: One flower, two flowers, three flowers, four fancy frilly flowers….
TELLY: I don’t believe this! Just a second ago, The Count was holding the lead, now he’s in last place counting the flowers?!
COUNT: 15 daffodils, 12 bluebells, 10 roses, and 25 daisies! HA HA HA! I can just count these flowers all day! HA HA HA AAH AAAAH! Oh no, I forgot! Flowers make me sneeze! AAAAAH! Especially a whole field of them! AAAAH! CHOOOO!
(The powerful sneeze causes Count to zoom backwards on his bike catching up with the other bikers.)
COUNT: Wow! Who would’ve thought an allergy would end up helping out an athlete?! This is Telly, your Monster of the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.
* * * * * *
TELLY: Thank you again Telly for another exciting bike update. Now, we’ll see if the Muppet Show team can catch up in today’s event. And reporting live at the scene is the former host of the former show, Muppets Tonight, Clifford.
* * * * * *
POLE VAULT
* * * * * *
Thanks Lew. Yo yo yo, everyone! This is Clifford, reporting live from the pole vaulting event. In about a few minutes, our athletes will show off their jumping skills and try to reach new heights to win. And speaking of jumping, there’s the Team Captain of the Muppet Show, Kermit the Frog, in his dugout.
* * * * * *
(We see Kermit in the dugout, polishing up a huge metal pole.)
GONZO: Hey, Kermit. That’s a really fancy pole you got there.
KERMIT: Thank’s Gonzo. This was the same pole I used when I was a track star back in swamp school.
FOZZIE: Wow, Kermit. I didn’t know you were an athletic star back then!
KERMIT: Of course, you didn’t think I had a stunt double doing all my stunts when we did all those movies, did you?
FOZZIE: Oh yeah, (Flashing back to the fight in the El Sleazo Café when filming The Muppet Movie.) No wonder why I was in so much pain after that shooting. I didn’t have a stunt double either!
GONZO: Stunt doubles are for lazy slackers! A true actor does his own stunts and takes the pain along with it.
(Robin hops over to Kermit carrying a water bottle)
ROBIN: Here you go, Uncle Kermit. Some water for you!
KERMIT: Oh, thank you Robin. You’re a good water-frog.
(Kermit takes a sip of the bottle and smiles.)
KERMIT: Hey, algae water mixed with dragonfly wings! Just like back home.)
ROBIN: I thought you’d like that. Everyone back home in the swamp is watching you on TV. They’re counting on you to win the pole vault in the name of frog-dom.
KERMIT: Don’t worry, Robin. I plan to win this event. And nothing will stop me from doing my best!
(Just then, the big screen TV on the top of the announcer booth turns on and we see the Newsman.)
NEWSMAN: Just a reminder to all of you that one of the sponsors of this great sports show is Doc Hopper’s French Fried Frog Legs.
A HORRIFIED KERMIT: DOC HOPPER?!!!
FOZZIE: I thought we heard the last of him!
NEWSMAN: That’s right. If you want to enjoy some golden spicy frog legs with a green shake and tater tadpoles, hop on down to Doc Hopper’s.
A HORRIFIED ROBIN: TATER TADPOLES?!!!
NEWSMAN: And don’t forget about the contest Doc Hopper’s is holding. Whenever you buy a food item, you’ll receive a game card. Rub off the coating and you’ll find the name of a team and an event. And if the team on your card wins that event, you’ll win a free jumbo bucket of delicious frog legs!
A HORRIFIED KERMIT: OH NO!
(Just then, Kermit hears a voice in the bottom row of the crowd. He looks up and sees an orange colored guy holding a card.)
ORANGE GUY: Hey, it says here if The Muppet Show team wins the pole vault, I’ll win me some free frog legs!
KERMIT: That’s my event! If I win, that guy will get free frog legs because of me! This is horrible!
PIGGY: Kermie, are you okay?
KERMIT: I don’t think I’ll ever be if I win!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: And now here’s our first jumper! Playing for the Fraggle team is Lou Fraggle.
(A girl Fraggle with purple pigtails comes up to the field holding a pole, while all the Fraggles in their dugout start to cheer.)
WEMBLEY: Yay, Lou! You can do it, Lou!
(Lou starts to run then vaults over the crossbar and lands on a soft blue mattress.)
CLIFFORD: Pretty good! The judges informed me Lou has jumped eight feet.
(The Fraggle team starts to cheer for Lou, especially Wembley with huge red hearts in his eyes.)
WEMBLEY: YAY, LOU! YOU VAULT SO TRUE!
GOBO: Wembley, I know you like Lou a lot, but take those stickers off your eyeballs. It’s not healthy for you eyesight.
WEMBLEY: Oh, okay! (Wembley peels off the heart stickers from his eyes and starts to rub them.) I’ve never noticed this before, but my eyeballs feel like ping-pong balls.
* * * * * *
(Back at The Muppet Show dugout)
FOZZIE: Wow, that Fraggle can jump pretty good.
PIGGY: But not as good as Kermie, I bet.
A WORRIED KERMIT: I wish Piggy wouldn’t encourage me to win. I sure hope the other jumpers will be a lot better than me so that guy won’t be eating frog legs tonight!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Now vaulting for the Big Blue House team is Treelo the Lemur. Lemur’s are from Madagascar in case any of you are interested.
(Treelo grabs the pole with his tail and starts to bounce around like a ball. Then he rushes over to the crossbar, sticks the pole into the hole, but instead of jumping, he climbs on top of it and starts swinging around on it.)
TREELO: WEEEEEE!
CLIFFORD: What’s that crazy monkey boy doing?! He’s isn’t jumping, he’s just swinging around on it. Now he’s jumping up and down on it like a pogo-stick! Where does he think he’s at, a French Canadian circus?
* * * * * *
(In the Big Blue House dugout)
TUTTER: What’s Treelo doing? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to jump over that bar?
BEAR: You know Treelo. He likes to have wild and harmless fun whatever he does.
PIP: It’s not harmless if he loses us this event!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: This is totally warped, man! All that Treelo seems to be doing is bouncing on that pole and he seems to be going higher and higher. Now, he’s letting go of the pole, leaping over the bar, and landing on the mattress!
TREELO: Ta da!
CLIFFORD(touching his earpiece): Hold it, our judges just informed me that Treelo has jumped 12 feet. Putting the Big Blue House team ahead of the Fraggle team!
(The Big Blue House team starts to cheer.)
CLIFFORD: Yo, Treelo. That was some extreme athletics you just pulled. Can you tell your fans your motivation for all that?
TREELO: Waga yaga weebee oogoo walla walla, Go Team!
CLIFFORD: Strong words. Strong, untranslatable, nonsense words! Tell me, you wouldn’t be related to either Beaker or the Swedish Chef, would you?
* * * * * *
GONZO: Those were pretty cool moves that lemur has! I wonder if he likes getting shot out of a cannon?
PIGGY: That’s nothing! My frog will vault higher than all those amateurs put together!
A DEPRESSED KERMIT: I’m sorry, everyone. I just can’t jump!
EVERYONE: YOU WHAT??!!!
PIGGY: Kermie, you’re giving up?!
FOZZIE: But Kermit. You have to jump and win this event! So far, we’re the only team that hasn’t scored yet!
KERMIT: And it’s probably a good thing that we don’t! So far, no one has won any free frog legs because of us! See ya’ around! (Kermit leaves the gang and heads for the locker room.)
PIGGY: Kermie?!!
FOZZIE: That’s right. If we win any events, Kermit’s frog friends will pay.
GONZO: How much money do frogs carry?
EVERYONE: GONZO!!! (Gonzo ducks his head down his sweatshirt in embarrassment.)
ROBIN: I’ll go talk to him. (Robin hops into the locker room after his uncle while the others watch with worried faces.)
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Now jumping for the Sesame team is The Cookie Monster. Is that his first name, The?
(We see Cookie Monster holding a long pole while Bert is next to him.)
COOKIE: Oh, me want cookie now! Me hungry for cookie!
BERT: No, Cookie. First you jump and then you can have a cookie. It’s not a good idea for athletes to eat sweets before an event.
COOKIE: Oh, all right! Me wonder if Bruce Jenner had to deal with stuff like this!
(Cookie starts to run up to the crossbar while holding his pole.)
COOKIE: Me sure want cookie! No wait. Me get mind on something else. Like the pole vault. Yes, this shiny pole. It looks so long and crunchy like peppermint stick! Mmmmm! Delicious, minty, peppermint stick!
(Without thinking, Cookie continues running while chomping on the pole making it smaller.)
CLIFFORD: Wait a minute! The Cookie Monster’s pole seems to be getting smaller. He seems to be eating it! I’ve heard of eating Polish food, but this is ridiculous!
* * * * * *
BERT: What’s he doing?! He’s making his pole smaller!
ERNIE: I told you we should’ve let him have his cookie before the jump!
* * * * * *
(Cookie was about to plant his pole into the hole, but then discovered he had eaten it into a small 5 inch pole.)
COOKIE: Uh oh! Me lost control again! Oh well. Me make the best of cute little economy sized pole.
(Cookie places the tiny pole into the hole and just plops onto the mattress like it was a bed.)
CLIFFORD: How disappointing! Cookie has only jumped 1 foot from the ground and onto the mattress. The poor monster must be devastated!
(Instead, we see Cookie Monster sleeping on the mattress snoring, “COOKIES!”)
* * * * * *
(In the Muppet Show locker room, we see a sad Kermit opening up his locker and stuffing a bunch of his green spiky collars into his duffle bag.)
KERMIT: I wish there was some other way!
ROBIN(rushing in): There is another way! You can jump and at least try to win for your team and your friends and for your fans!
KERMIT: But Robin, didn’t you see those Doc Hopper ads earlier? If I win the pole vault, some of our relatives will lose their legs!
ROBIN: Our team isn’t the only name on those game cards! If the other teams win these events, people win free frog legs either way!
KERMIT: Yes, that’s right! I can’t believe we agreed to do all of this without learning about Doc Hopper!
ROBIN: Look Uncle Kermit. Our friends and family back home are counting on you to try your best! They know how much you despise Doc Hopper. We all do! But if you just give up now, that awful Doc Hopper Corporation will win and we frogs will look like total losers!
KERMIT: We will?!
ROBIN: Yeah, you know. I bet old Doc Hopper started up this contest just to get revenge on you! Thinking all this will force you to look like a quitter to the entire world. And so he won’t have to give out any free frog legs if the Muppet Show team loses.
KERMIT: Gee! I never thought about it that way, but still….
(Robin picks up Kermit’s pole)
ROBIN: If you’re not gonna compete, then I will!
(Kermit watches as the tiny frog tries to lug the heavy pole out of the locker room.)
ROBIN: Gotta win for Uncle Kermit and for our family back home! Boy, this pole is heavy!
(Robin then feels the pole get yanked away from him. He looks up and sees Kermit holding the pole with a determined look on his face.)
KERMIT: Thank you, Robin! You’ve given me the courage to go through with this.
(He pats his nephew’s head and rushes out the door.)
ROBIN(with a tear in his eye): That’s my Uncle Kermit.
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: For some reason, Kermit, who’s supposed to be jumping for the Muppet Show team, hasn’t shown up yet! If he doesn’t get his little green butt out here, the Muppet show team will forfeit!
* * * * * *
FOZZIE: So much for having our faces posted on cereal boxes!
GONZO: I can’t even get my whole face on one! (Gonzo looks at a box of Wheaties with a picture of him on it with his nose cut off at the side.)
PIGGY: Look, it’s Kermie! (The Muppets watch and see Kermit marching out the dugout while holding his pole in silence.)
FOZZIE: He’s going to jump!
PIGGY: I knew my frog was no chicken!
GONZO: And what’s wrong with chickens!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Look, there’s Kermit now! And it looks like he’s running, no, make that hopping at lightning speed! Whoa! Look at those frog legs go!
KERMIT: There’s no way these frog legs will get into the greasy hands of Doc Hopper!
(Kermit plants his pole and makes the biggest jump of all!)
CLIFFORD! Whoa! Whoa! It looks like Kermit has jumped a really high 16 feet! Making him the winner!
(Kermit lands on the mattress, but then bounces over the crossbar again.)
CLIFFORD: Now Kermit’s jumped over the bar again at 17 feet!
(Kermit ends up bouncing over the bar for a third time, then a fourth time, then a few more times while bouncing even higher each time!)
CLIFFORD: Man, I haven’t seen this much bouncing since I cashed in all my paychecks from my first job! I can definitely say that Kermit the Frog is the winner!
* * * * * *
(The Muppet Show team cheers while jumping up and down!)
PIGGY: Oh, I am so proud of moi’s frog!
ROBIN: Way to go, Uncle Kermit!
* * * * * *
(Clifford rushes over the panting frog.)
CLIFFORD: Yo, Kerm! That was some wild jumping act you just pulled out there! Tell us! What was your motivation to win?”
KERMIT: Well Clifford, to tell you the truth, at first I almost thought about forfeiting for personal reasons, but then after a strong pep talk from my loving nephew, Robin. It gave me the courage to jump and win for him, my team, and for all my friends and family!
(Kermit then looks over to the same orange guy holding the winning card.)
KERMIT: Excuse me for a minute, please! (He leaves Clifford and hops up to the guy.)
ORANGE GUY: Hey, Kermit! That was an awesome jump you just made! Congrats!
KERMIT: Thanks. I just hope you realize what I let you win and what the consequences will be for some certain amphibians.
ORANGE GUY(looking at his card): You mean this? Oh no. I don’t want to eat any frog legs. I’m a vegetarian.
A RELIEVED KERMIT: You are?
ORANGE GUY: Yes, I only found this card under my seat and I was curious to know which team was on it and what event. I have no intention of cashing this in. You can have it if you’d like. (He hands the card to Kermit.)
KERMIT: Thank you, you’re a saint! (Kermit takes out a photo of himself, writes his autograph on it, and hands it to the guy. Then hops back down into his dugout.)
ROBIN: Hey, congratulations Uncle Kermit. You did it!
KERMIT: All thanks to you, Robin. I won and no relatives of ours will have to pay with their legs, for now. (Kermit looks at the winning card and tears it up.)
FOZZIE: But what if we win other events?
(But before Kermit could answer, the Newsman comes back onto the big screen.)
NEWSMAN: Here’s a Muppet News Flash! It was just reported that a health inspector discovered some disturbing scenes in a local Doc Hopper’s restaurant! It turns out the corporation had not only been cooking up frog legs, but have also been using other animal parts disguised as frog legs. Mainly the six legged kind! Because of this, the board of health has shut down all Doc Hopper’s restaurants everywhere and all those game cards have become null and void!
KERMIT: YAHOOOO! Did you hear that everyone?! No more Doc Hopper and no more French Fried Frog Legs! Now I got my wining spirit back for good! How about all of you?!
THE ENTIRE TMS TEAM: KERMIT! KERMIT! KERMIT! KERMIT!
* * * * * *
(We see Waldorf and Statler holding a bunch of game cards with disappointed looks.)
STATLER: Oh great! These Doc Hopper cards have now become useless! What’ll we do with them now?
WALDORF: Have a paper cut fight?
STATLER: Sounds fun! (And the two old men start to have a sword fight with their cards while laughing out loud.)
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: And there you have it. The pole vault with The Muppet Show team bringing home the win. This is Clifford bringing you back to my man, Lewis!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Clifford. Yes, we’ve seen yet another spectacular sport. Digit, what’s the scoring now?
* * * * * *
(We see Digit eating a plate of spaghetti, but then accidentally eating one of his own cords causing him to short circuit!)
DIGIT: Oops! (He takes the cord from his mouth and plugs it into the Muppet Show section of the scoreboard.)
DIGIT: Well Lewis. Thanks to that win from Kermit. It looks like all 4 teams are tied with one point each! Back to you, Lewis!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Digit! Well, with all 4 teams tied for first place. It looks like this could be anyone’s game! We’ll find out what happens in Day 6 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. This is Lewis Kazagger!
NEWSMAN(covered in a mountain of tissue and speaking in a nasally voice): And dis is de Noosman signin’ off!
LEWIS: Now do you feel silly for not buying your nasal spray?!
NEWSMAN: Dot weally! Maybe I cad make a new coat with all dis tissoo! I could start up de next style!
A DISGUSTED LEWIS! Shut off the camera before Old Navy catches this!
(Camera goes off.)
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