Battle of the Muppet All-Stars


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Apr 22, 2004
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Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

By Cullen Pittman

Day 1.

LEWIS KAZAGGER’S VOICE: The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, Bear in the Big Blue House. For years, Muppet fans have been asking which show and characters are the best. And now we’re about to find out in the biggest competition a Muppet could ever know. Live from the Roosevelt Franklin Stadium in New York City. It’s time for BATTLE OF THE MUPPET ALL-STARS!!!

(We look at a huge stadium filled with every kind of Muppet monster, whatnot, animal, and creature all cheering their voices out while Waldorf and Statler were sitting in the front row looking very bored.)

WALDORF: You know Statler, I can’t stand huge crowds like these! It’ll make us harder to leave when the show starts to stink!

STATLER: I like big crowds. It means more people get to throw things at the Muppets!


WALDORF: Let’s get in some practice!

(And they start throwing their peanuts and Cracker Jack into the stadium.)

(Then we look into the announcer booth where we see Lewis Kazagger and the Muppet Newsman sitting in front of microphones.)

LEWIS: Welcome sports fans. I am Lewis Kazagger!

NEWSMAN: And you can just call me Newsman!

LEWIS AND NEWSMAN: And welcome to Battle of the Muppet All-Stars!

LEWIS: Yes fans, in a few minutes, 4 Muppet teams will be marching into this stadium and we’ll finally find out which show is the best at friendly competition!

NEWSMAN: And when we mean friendly competition, the referees have confiscated all weapons of death and destruction from the athletes and put them in a nice safe place. Some of the Muppet Monsters seemed to have quite a few of them.

(Then a bunch of mallets, clubs, swords, daggers, and machine guns fall on top of the Newsman.)

LEWIS: And they couldn’t be in safer hands now that they’re sticking into the hands and the entire skin of our favorite Newsman!

NEWSMAN: Send me to the medical tent, please!

LEWIS: I’m ashamed of you! You know that the medical tents are only for our hard working athletes! Not for us soft announcers who’ll be sitting on our butts throughout this show!

(Newsman climbs back into his seat with a sword through his head.)

NEWSMAN: How thoughtless of me!

LEWIS: Do you hear that music? That means the first team is arriving onto the field! It’s the Muppet Show Team!

(We see all the Muppet Show characters, dressed in athletic wear, marching onto the field with Kermit holding a yellow flag with The Muppet Show logo on it.)

NEWSMAN: Ah, yes. The Muppet Show team, with their team leader, Kermit the Frog. This show was very popular on prime time and it was shown in over 100 different countries. And we see a lot more familiar characters like Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Beaker.

LEWIS: Not to mention some newcomers like Bean Bunny and Pepe the Shrimp.

(Pepe takes out a little megaphone while marching.)


NEWSMAN: And look there in the middle, there’s the radiant Miss. Piggy showing off her new athletic attire!

* * * * * *

(We see Miss Piggy strutting around in a sparkling pink sweatsuit with gold plated sneakers on her feet.)

KERMIT: Piggy, how will you be able to compete wearing all those fancy and heavy clothes?!!

PIGGY: Moi, compete in these things?! Silly Kermie! You should know by now that I’m famous for making entrances!

GONZO: But you could sweat to death wearing all that heavy stuff.

PIGGY: Don’t you know that we pigs don’t have sweat glands?! I use beauty mud. It keeps my skin cool and my face beautiful!

FLOYD: You obviously need more beauty mud right now! About the entire world’s mud! HEH HEH HEH!


(Piggy was about to smash Floyd, until Kermit stopped her.)

KERMIT: Please Piggy, save all that for your event.

(The Muppets stop marching and in marches the second team.)

* * * * * *

LEWIS: Do I feel a sunny day coming and the urge to sweep the clouds away? Do you know what that means?

NEWSMAN: You’ve been sniffing paint thinner again?

LEWIS: No, it’s the Sesame Street team coming into the stadium.

(We see the Sesame Street gang marching into the stadium led by Ernie and Bert with Big Bird holding a flag shaped like the Sesame Street sign.)

LEWIS: Look, there are team captains Ernie and Bert along with favorites such as Grover, Cookie Monster, Count Von Count, Elmo, and that big bird himself, Big Bird.

NEWSMAN: And look, there’s some huge elephant man wearing a shaggy coat.

LEWIS: That’s just Mr. Snuffleupagus. They say he’s the Sesame team’s ultimate muscle.

NEWSMAN: Snuffleupagus? I thought he was just an imaginary athlete the Sesame team made up to force the other teams to forfeit.

LEWIS: Snuffleupagus, imaginary?! You’ve obviously don’t keep up with the times, my friend.

NEWSMAN: Look, there’s a trash can with feet walking behind the Snuffleupagus. I’ll bet that can was built to catch all of Snuffy’s messes. Heh Heh Heh!

LEWIS: Really Newsie! We don’t use that kind of humor around the presence of Sesame Street. That’s just Oscar the Grouch in his portable can bringing up the rear.

NEWSMAN: Let’s just hope his can’s aimed at Snuffy’s rear. Heh Heh Heh!

LEWIS: Do you want me to tell your mother?!

* * * * * *

ERNIE: Oh boy, Bert. We’re gonna win this great sports event, aren’t we?

BERT: I don’t know why you talked me into going on with this jockfest! What if I end up losing and letting my team down? I’ll be humiliated and I’ll have to change my name and start a new life!

ERNIE: Don’t worry Bert. If that happens, I know a good way to give you a new identity.

(Ernie yanks off Bert’s nose and laughs.)

BERT: Bewy punny Ernie!

* * * * * *

LEWIS: Listen to that music! Doesn’t it make us want to dance our cares away and worry for another day?

NEWSMAN: Unless that day is April, 15th.

LEWIS: It happens to be the Fraggle Rock team entering the stadium.

(We see a whole group of Fraggles enter the stadium doing cartwheels and dancing around while Gobo was holding a flag with a stick figure Fraggle drawing on it.)

LEWIS: That there is Gobo Fraggle, the team captain. And next to him is his Uncle, Traveling Matt.

NEWSMAN: Ah yes. Traveling Matt. They say Matt was the very first Fraggle to leave the hidden world of Fraggle Rock and visit our culture. Now he’s convinced his fellow Fraggles to come on out and compete in this great event, hoping it will bring both our worlds together.

* * * * * *

(As the Fraggles continued marching, we see Red bouncing all around the parade shouting, “WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!”)

GOBO: Red, control yourself! You’re gonna waste all your energy!

RED: I can’t help it! I just know we Fraggles are gonna win this thing!

WEMBLEY: Gobo, I’m so nervous. What if I wemble during my event and mess up?

GOBO: Don’t worry, Wembley. Just tell yourself, there is no such word as wemble in the dictionary.

MOKEY (holding a dictionary): He’s right, Wembley. It’s nowhere in the W pages.

WEMBLEY: Wow, the word wemble really doesn’t exist! Oh no! Then that means I don’t exist either! AAAAHH!

RED: Gee, Wembley. I’ll bet you’d win a panic event for sure.

BOOBER: If there is a panic event, can I enter? That’s my specialty.

* * * * * *

NEWSMAN: Look what’s coming into the stadium next! A guy in a huge fur coat!

LEWIS: No, he’s just Bear.

NEWSMAN: No he isn’t. He’s wearing a coat!

LEWIS: Please don’t start up that joke. It’s only funny when that first bear told it all those years ago. I can still hear it on that Muppet Show record album my nephews keep playing over and over again!

NEWSMAN: And it looks like some kind of petting zoo is following him.

LEWIS: No, it’s just our final team, The Big Blue House team with their captain, Bear. Along with his friends, Tutter the Mouse, Ojo the Bear Cub, Pip and Pop Otters, Treelo the Lemur, and Doc Hog.

* * * * * *

(And we see Bear and his Big Blue House friends marching into the stadium while Bear is holding a flag with a crayon drawing of the big blue house.)

BEAR: Sniff, sniff, sniff.

OJO: What is it bear?

TUTTER: Do you smell something?

BEAR: Why, yes I do. Tutter, can you hold this flag for me please? I’ll be right back.

TUTTER: Sure bear, WOAAAAH! (Tutter tries to keep his balance while holding the gigantic flag.)

(Bear rushes over to the front row of the audience and starts to sniff a man.)

MAN: He’s gonna eat me!

BEAR: Oh no. I don’t eat people! I just want to sniff you all. WHIFF! Have you been eating corndogs? Because that’s what you smell like.

(The guy just sits there paralyzed. Then Bear starts whiffing a guy next to him.)

BEAR: And you’ve been eating French Fries. WHIFF! With cheese! And let’s see. SNIFF, SNIFF. You sir, just had some onion rings, you madam had a strawberry milkshake, and you little girl had fudge ripple ice cream. Oh what wonderful smells you all have!

(Then Bear goes over and sniffs Waldorf and Statler.)

STATLER: Oh great! We’re being bugged by different bear!

WALDORF: At least the first bear we all know and torment just threw bad jokes at us. What this guy’s doing isn’t really sanitary!

BEAR: Tell me. Are you two gentlemen wearing Old Spice?

STATLER: I am. But Waldorf’s just OLD TWICE! HAW HAW HAW HAW!

(Waldorf just bops Statler in the face causing Statler’s mouth to cover his nose.)

BEAR: Uh, I think I’d better go. (And Bear covers his own nose fearing Waldorf might hit it also.)

* * * * * *

LEWIS: It looks like all four teams have entered the stadium. Now it’s time for the national anthems. Everyone please rise.

NEWSMAN: And singing the national anthem for each team is our favorite crooner, Johnny Fiama.

(Johnny Fiama steps up onto a podium with a mike in his hand.)

* * * * * *

JOHNNY: Hey there all you cool sports cats. And now I will sing the national anthems for The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and the Big Blue House. If I only knew how each song goes. SAL!!!!

SAL: (Running in with some papers.) Coming Johnny! Here’re the songs for each team.

JOHNNY: Thank’s Sal. (And he straightens his tie and clears his throat. Then looks at the notes and starts to sing.)

JOHNNY: Sunny Blue House! It’s time to sweep the Fraggles away! Put on make up on the small mouse! We’re Gobo, Mokey, Pillows full of fluff here, RED! Can you tell me how to get things started on the most sensational, worries for another day, the Big Blue Muppet Show! Down at Sesame Rock!

(The whole audience looked confused and so does the 4 teams on the field.)

BOOOOOOO! Shouted the audience.

WALDORF: What kind of national anthem was that?

STATLER: The anthem that makes you want to defect to another nation.


JOHNNY: But it isn’t my fault! I was just reading the stuff that was given to me. Wait a minute!

(Johnny looks at papers and noticed that all words were mixed up and smudged together.)

JOHNNY: Sal! What is this? It looks like someone wrote all the songs on one whole paper. They’re all smudged together into one big mix-up!

SAL: Sorry, Johnny! I guess my printer acted up again.

(The audience starts throwing food at Johnny.)

JOHNNY: No! Not my 2000 dollar suit!

SAL: Get behind me, Johnny! I’ll protect you!

(Johnny, quickly steps away with Sal in front of him, taking all the ketchup, mustard, soda, egg, ice cream, and rotten fruit hits.)

SAL: That’s it you jerks! If you wanna hit Johnny, you’re gonna have to hit me first! Gimme your best shots! Especially your banana flavored foods!

* * * * * *

NEWSMAN: It looks like the audience has just started their own event. Rotten food tossing.

LEWIS: While our ushers try to keep the crowd calm, we’ll be going to a commercial break.

* * * * * *

(Commercials happen.)

* * * * * *


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Apr 22, 2004
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LEWIS: Welcome back, everyone. Well the crowd seems to have calmed down after Johnny’s unfortunate incident. The field has been cleaned of all garbage and Johnny has left the field unharmed.

NEWSMAN: To bad that can’t be said about his helper monkey. But don’t worry. Johnny just sent him to the dry cleaners to be cleaned and pressed.

LEWIS: Now for the moment all you sports fans have been waiting for. Our first event!

NEWSMAN: And reporting live at the scene is our own Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster.

* * * * * *


* * * * * *

TELLY: Hello sports fans. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the first event. Cross Country Bicycling.

(Telly points to a map filled with wild twists and turns.)

TELLY: In a few minutes, our cyclists will leave this stadium and follow this wild and twisted trail that could take many days to complete. They’ll be racing through big crowded cities, sweet smelling country farms, and woods filled with cute and sometimes dangerous wildlife. Ooooh! I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes! Anyway, let’s go over and meet the athletes competing in this event.

(Telly walks over to a starting line where we see 4 Muppets on bicycles. Telly approaches Doc Hog sitting on one of those old fashioned big front wheel bikes.)

TELLY: Competing for the Big Blue House team is Doc Hog. Doctor Hog, I understand you were a famous champion bicyclist back when you were younger. Can you tell me how you became so successful back then?

DOC HOG: My dear boy, I’d like you to know that I still am. Back in my home town, they called me The Road Hog! And I plan to win today’s race today, thanks to the good luck charm I just received.

TELLY: And what charm is that?

DOC HOG: It’s stuck right in my bicycle spokes. It’s a trading card of Babe.

TELLY: Not THE famous baseball player, Babe Ruth?!

DOC HOG: Haw haw haw! Of course not you silly boy. I may be a doctor, but I’m not that rich. It’s a trading card of Babe the Pig. I just adore child stars!

TELLY: Okay, thank you, Doc Hog. Now we move on to the next bicyclist. Playing for the Fraggle team is Traveling Matt.

(Telly approaches Matt who is sitting on a blue bicycle.)

TELLY: Traveling Matt, it’s said that you’re the very first Fraggle ever ride a bicycle. Is this true?

MATT: Why yes it is. I was the first Fraggle to tame this delightful two-wheeled creature.

TELLY: Two-wheeled creature?

MATT: But of course. I remember when this fine shiny beast started out as a baby four-wheeled creature. It was fun getting to know him and letting him carry me to different places. But then, the creature suddenly shed his two training wheels. It was a sign that he was growing up. At first the new metamorphosed two-wheeled creature had trouble standing up, but with my guidance, he now seems to be doing fine. Just as long he stands on his false foot when not moving. (Matt points to the kickstand.)

TELLY(confused): Well, I hope all your two-wheeled creature training will pay off for this big race.

MATT: I believe so. Right my noble steed? (And he places an oat bag on the handlebars.)

(Telly then moves over to Count sitting on a purple bike with bat wing shaped handlebars.)

TELLY: Competing for the Sesame team is my friend, Count Von Count.

COUNT: Greetings Telly. And greetings to all of you in the crowds and to every one watching on TV. I could just count you all. One, two, three, four….!

TELLY: Forgive me for interrupting you, Count. But would you mind telling our fans about the bike you’ll be riding on in this race?

COUNT: But of course. This here is the Transylvanian special. A bicycle made only for the members of my family. And just look at all the speed gears it features.

TELLY: Wow! That must be the fastest bike in the world with all those speeds. Exactly how many are there?

COUNT: Let’s count them and see. One, one speed! Two speeds! Three speeds! Four speeds! Five speeds….!

TELLY: What have I started?!

COUNT: Six speeds! Seven speeds! Eight speeds! I love extreme counting! Nine speeds! Ten speeds…!

TELLY: Let’s move on to our final cyclist.

(We see Beaker sitting on an orange bike with what looks like rockets on the side.)

TELLY: And competing for The Muppet Show team is Beaker. Tell me Beaker. What kind of bike are you riding? It looks very advanced.

BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep. Mee, mee, mee, mee, Mee, mee, mee, meep.

TELLY: Sorry, but I don’t seem to understand your language. Do we have an interpreter here?

(Dr. Bunsen Honeydew steps in.)

BUNSEN: I’ll translate for my questionable speeched friend. Beaker is sitting on an advanced new bicycle that was created in Muppet Lab’s. It features adjustable mirrors, hand massaging handlebars, and two rockets on the side for an extra boost of speed.

TELLY: Two rockets on the side?! Isn’t that kind of dangerous?!

BUNSEN: Don’t worry. My friend, Beaker, has nerves of steel and a heart of courage. He can handle the strong intensity of whatever surprises this untested bike will dish out.

BEAKER: Mee, meep?!!

BUNSEN: And I also put crazy glue on his seat for his safety.


(Beaker tries to get off the seat, but can’t.)

TELLY: And there you have it. Which one of these four athletes will win this hardcore bike race? And more important, will any of these racers survive?! Especially the last one I interviewed. Back to you, Lewis.

* * * * * *

LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. Now we see the starter approaching the field getting ready to fire the gun to get the race going.


LEWIS: And they’re off! It looks like Doc Hog and Traveling Matt have taken the first lead as they’re both leaving the stadium right now. But I don’t see the other two cyclists leaving the stadium yet.

NEWSMAN: There’s the Count still at the starting line. Why isn’t he pedaling?

COUNT: 47 speeds! 48 speeds! 49 speeds! 50 spectacular speeds and still counting! Oh, I have a feeling I’m gonna win this race as soon as I finish counting! 51 speeds! 52 speeds!

LEWIS: And I don’t see any sign of Beaker either. Has his rocket powered bike caused him to zoom to first place so fast that we couldn’t see it?

NEWSMAN: Nope, we got him on our monitor. It turns out he zoomed out the back way. He’s going really fast, but only backwards!

LEWIS: Why is he doing this? Going backwards will earn his team negative points!

* * * * * *

(We look into the Muppet Show team dugout, where the Muppets look flustered and outraged.)

KERMIT: Bunsen, what’s wrong with that bike you built?! Beaker’s going backwards and putting us way in last place!

BUNSEN: Oopsie! I must’ve installed the rockets in backwards!


* * * * * *

(We see Beaker speeding backwards through the country while he was crying a fearful, “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” Then he starts riding through things like a cactus farm, a poison ivy vineyard, and forests of hornets’ nests. Finally, Beaker slams into something soft and cozy causing him to stop. He turns his head and sees a gigantic pillow.)

BEAKER: Meep, meep?

(Beaker turns his head again and sees a billboard that says, SEE THE WORLD’S LARGEST PILLOW. Beaker sighs of relief. But then, the tree branches covering the bottom of the sign get blown away causing it to read, SEE THE WORLD’S LARGEST PILLOW FILLED WITH NITRO GLYCERINE.)


Then the pillow explodes with a huge boom, causing poor Beaker to zoom again, but forward this time.

* * * * * *

NEWSMAN: Look, our monitor shows that Beaker is now going forward at the same speed, and is heading back into the stadium.

LEWIS: Let’s hope he’ll be able to catch up with his opponents. But I don’t think he’ll have to worry about the Count though.

* * * * * *

(We see the Count still at the starting line still counting speeds while the Sesame team was shouting at him to move it.)

BERT: Count, move your batty butt!

ERNIE: Why does he always do stuff like this to us?

(Just then, Beaker zoomed past the Count, causing him to stop counting and to spin around like a top on his back wheel.)

COUNT: One uncontrolled wheelie! Two uncontrolled wheelies! Three uncontrolled wheelies! Even though I like counting wheelies, I do not really like being dizzy. I guess I’d better get going and win this race for my beloved team!

(The Count stops his spinning and starts to pedal off trying to catch up with the other cyclists.)

BERT: It’s about time!

ERNIE: Go Count! Bring us one wonderful win!

* * * * * *

NEWSMAN: Well it looks like all four cyclists have left the stadium and will experience the intense action known as cross country bicycling.

LEWIS: We’ll be bringing you updates of this long bicycle marathon along with more Muppets competing in great sports events when we go to day 2 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars!

* * * * * *

WALDORF: Statler, do you believe in the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat?

STATLER: I only predict that one team is gonna be defeated.

WALDORF: Which one?

STATLER: Us, the viewers!



Well-Known Member
Apr 12, 2005
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Wow, that's HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!! I love every inch of it. The dialogue between Lewis and Newsman, Miss Piggy's outfit, Bert's new identity, Wembley not existing, Bear sniffing, Waldorf being old TWICE, And I think the "National Anthem" was the best of all! So HYSTERICAL! I love it! MORE! MORE! MORE!

EDIT: talk about service, you posted more as I posted! Ok, lemme read that, too...

EDIT TWO: It's excellent! The rockets were backwards, that was SO funny! And the Count! And... and everything! And have I mentioned yet that Statler and Waldorf are just perfect? Because they are! Oh, man, I love this! MORE PLEASE!


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Apr 22, 2004
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TogetherAgain said:
Wow, that's HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!! I love every inch of it. The dialogue between Lewis and Newsman, Miss Piggy's outfit, Bert's new identity, Wembley not existing, Bear sniffing, Waldorf being old TWICE, And I think the "National Anthem" was the best of all! So HYSTERICAL! I love it! MORE! MORE! MORE!

EDIT: talk about service, you posted more as I posted! Ok, lemme read that, too...

EDIT TWO: It's excellent! The rockets were backwards, that was SO funny! And the Count! And... and everything! And have I mentioned yet that Statler and Waldorf are just perfect? Because they are! Oh, man, I love this! MORE PLEASE!
Hey, thank you for being the first to review and enjoy my story so far. :smile: We'll see how each team does and who wins in future chapters. :smile:


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Dec 14, 2004
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Yay! Another fan-fic to read! And it's totally awesome! I love it! Go TMS team!:big_grin: :sing: :smile:


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Apr 16, 2002
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Oh my gosh! This has to be the biggest and best sporting event in Muppet history! It is a totally awesome fan-fic, with wonderful comentry, an dcrazy antics. The funniest thing was Count counting the speads, and Bear sniffing the audience, and Stadler and Waldorf, and Wembly and the dictionary, and the flags which were each perfect for each team, and the national anthem, and Johnny and Sal, and the sword through the Newsman's head, "How very thoughtless of me..." and Beaker, and The two-wheeled shiney beast that shed it's training wheels, and the Road-Hog, and the Babe Trading Card, and, the crazy glue for safety, and the thing Beaker rode through, and tutter struggling under the weight of the flag, and the title, and the "You've been sniffing the thin glue again," and Old Twice, and the "one uncontrolled wheelie," and Floyd's remark about mud,!!!

That Announcer

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Mar 12, 2005
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This is probably the best fan-fic yet! I loved the national anthem and especially Beaker's bicycle incident. Great so far, can't wait for the next bit!

The Count

Staff member
Jul 12, 2002
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Well... After that, is there anything left to comment on?
Me liked...

1 Ernie pulling off Bert's nose for Bert's new identity.
2 The Newsman being behind the times with SS events.
3 The word "wemble" not being in the dictionary. Or was that just a Fraggle dictionary and not an English dictionary?
4 The singing of the national anthems and what happened after.
5 The bike race interviews with Telly. Can we get a translator?
Good stuff Xerus. Just hope my man's able to catch up with the rest of the pack on the bike trails.

Go SS Team!


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May 21, 2005
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This reminds me of that old cartoon series starring the Hanna-Barbara characters doing Olympic type events. Anyone remember that one?