Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 4
(We see Lewis and the Newsman back in their announcer booth.)
LEWIS: Hello, sports fans. Welcome to Day 4 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I’m Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And I’m the man with the news.
LEWIS: And as you can see, we’re back in our fully repaired and cleaned up announcer booth.
NEWSMAN: And we have a great view of the crowd. Will you look at the number of people in this crowd, Lewis? If the Count were here, he’d be in counting Heaven.
* * * * * *
(We see the Count watching the stadium’s crowd on his portable TV while riding his bike.)
COUNT: Look at all those wild and crazy sports fans! I could count them all! One, two, three! And they said it was a bad idea for me to take a TV with me while riding! This is one wonderful idea! HA HA HA!
(Count was so busy watching TV while riding, that he doesn’t notice that he’s riding into a street with speeding cars on it. He rides right through it, causing all the cars to swerve and crash.)
COUNT: Sounds like a bunch of reckless drivers! Oh I wish I could’ve counted their mistakes! But I’m too busy counting all the sports fans on my little TV. Oh well! Four, five, six…..!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Just look at this crowd, Newise. It looks like they’re all having a good time eating snacks, being with their loved ones, and showing their support for their fans!
(The camera shows four guys pulling off their shirts and showing off the letters painted on their stomachs, spelling out the word, BEAR.)
LEWIS: Obviously, those fans are rooting for the Big Blue House team.
NEWSMAN: Think again!
(Six more guys come in and stand next to the guys spelling BEAR and they had letters painted on their stomachs too. And together, they spelled out, FOZZIE BEAR.)
LEWIS: Poor Big Blue House Bear!
NEWSMAN: Wait! Look again!
(A whole bunch of more guys come in from the other side with letters on their stomachs. And all together, they spelled, FOZZIE BEAR IN THE BIG BLUE HOUSE. The 27 guys look at what they spelled and started arguing and fighting with each other.)
LEWIS: Whoa! One rule about being a sports fan is to watch where you sit and spell.
NEWSMAN: But it looks like those guys over there have mastered the art of fan spelling.
(We see some actual Muppet letters jumping up and down on their seats spelling out, SESAME STREET.)
NEWSMAN: That Sesame team always seems to have the best luck with letters.
LEWIS: And look in the bottom row, two elderly gentlemen are starting up a message with only two letters.
(We see Waldorf and Statler dancing around topless with the letters PU on their wrinkly old stomachs.)
NEWSMAN(covering his eyes): Eyeww! And I thought I’d see enough torture in this job!
LEWIS: And it looks like some fans in the top row are starting to do the wave!
(Suddenly, a huge tidal wave splashes on the fans in the lower rows getting them all wet. Up in the top row, we see a bunch of fish, lobsters, octopuses, sharks, and whales splashing around in huge tanks.)
NEWSMAN: I sure am glad we’re back in our safe booth instead of out there.
(A shark suddenly enters the booth.)
A SHOCKED NEWSMAN: What are you doing in here?!
SHARK: My wife and kids sent me out to get some snacks.
(The shark takes a bite out of the Newsman’s arm and drags him out of the booth.)
NEWSMAN: WOAH! YEOW! LEWIS! DO SOMETHING!
LEWIS: Uh, quick, turn that camera over to me! Nothing serious here folks, our friendly Newsman is just going fishing. Heh heh! Now let’s get to our next event of the day. Reporting at the scene is that cute little pig in a beach blanket, Spamela Hamderson.
* * * * * *
SWIMMING
* * * * * *
(We see Spamela standing next to a pool.)
SPAMELA: Thank you, Lewie! Hi all you cute sports fans. I’m Spamela Hamderson reporting live from this groovy cool pool where the 200 meter swim is about to start. Yes, the weather is hot, the water looks inviting, and this little pig is feeling hot herself!
(Spamela shows off her sexy body while all the male fans start to gaze at her and drool. Also, Waldorf and Statler were gazing while shocking each other with electric paddles trying to keep each other alive.)
SPAMELA: Oh, look. Here come our strong and handsome athletes rushing to the starting line. Oops! I didn’t mean rush, I meant slowly walking to the starting line. Remember kids, no running when you’re around a pool. Anyway, here are our swimmers. Representing the Fraggle team is team captain, Gobo. Playing for the Big Blue House Team is Pip the Otter. Swimming for the Muppet Show team is Pepe the Shrimp.
PEPE: I’m a king prawn, okay!
SPAMELA: Right, king prawn, sorry Pepe!
PEPE: It’s quite all right, okay! Or better yet you can call me YOURS!
SPAMELA: Hee Hee! How adorable! But I don’t see the swimmer for the Sesame Street team. Where can this person be?
REFEREE: I’ll give the Sesame swimmer 5 minutes to show up and if he or she doesn’t appear, the Sesame team will forfeit.
SPAMELA: Ooooh! Something to keep the fans glued to their seats. How exciting! Will this mystery missing swimmer show up or will the Sesame team lose by default? We’ll see in about 5 minutes.
* * * * * *
(In the Sesame team’s locker room, we see Ernie wandering around calling out for Bert.)
ERNIE: Bert, where are you? Your event is about to start! Oh, there you are!
(Ernie rushes over to a locker and sees Bert’s eyes peeking out of the locker holes.)
BERT: Ernie, I am not going out there! I feel ridiculous!
ERNIE: Come on, Bert. It’s not the swim ware I picked out for you, is it?
BERT: To be honest, YEEEEESSSSS! You’re always putting me in such humiliating clothing! Like that princess costume, the caterpillar suit, and that Cupid suit. But this! I don’t have a word for how demeaning this is!
ERNIE: Aw, come on Bert! Show the world all of you!
(Ernie opens up the locker, grabs Bert’s arm, and pulls him out. We see Bert dressed in only a green Speedo.)
BERT: Look at me, Ernie! I feel almost naked in this thing!
ERNIE: But I think you look so sporty in that Speedo, Bert. And I must say, those oatmeal diets of yours are sure paying off. KEE HEE HEE HEE!
(Bert rushes back into his locker.)
ERNIE: Aw, come on, Bert. Remember, you’re swimming for our Sesame Street team! You don’t want to let your friends and teammates and fans down by not going out there, do you?
BERT: It’s not just the Speedo, Ernie. Also have you seen my competition?! I’m gonna be swimming against a Fraggle, an otter, and a shrimp!
PEPE’S VOICE SHOUTING: KING PRAWN, OKAY!
BERT: Sorry Pepe, anyway Ernie. Those three types of animals are natural born swimmers. There’s no way a mere human like me can win against them!
(Just then, a baby resembling Bert wearing a small life jacket waddles into the locker room.)
BABY: Goo goo gaga, Unca Bert?
BERT(cracking open the locker door): It’s my little nephew, Brad. What’s he doing here?
ERNIE: His parents brought him over. And they asked me if you would help them and little Brad too.
BERT: Really, how?
ERNIE: From what his folks had told me, they want to sign Brad up for swimming lessons, but poor Brad is afraid to get into a pool.
BRAD: No pool! No pool! Scary!
ERNIE: They were hoping if he sees his brave and gallant Uncle Bert out there swimming and hopefully winning, it will give Brad the courage to give swimming a chance.
(Bert slowly steps out of his locker and looks at Brad with a worried face.)
BRAD: No swim! Swimming scary?
BERT(hugging his nephew): Oh, Brad. There’s no need to be afraid of swimming. Once you learn how, swimming can be a lot of fun and refreshing. Tell you what, why don’t you watch me swim in today’s race and you can see how wonderful and exciting it can be?
BRAD: Goo goo gaga?
A SMILING BERT: Trust your Uncle Bert, kiddo!
ERNIE: Yay, Bert! I knew you had it in you!
BERT(whispering so Brad can’t hear): Ernie, I’m still not sure about this. What if I end up losing? That might make Brad want to swim even less.
ERNIE: Don’t worry, Bert. Just tell yourself, you’re gonna win this race for your dear nephew, Brad. Think Eye of the Tiger!
BERT: Eye of the Tiger? That’s absurd!
ERNIE: All right, then. How about, Eye of the Pigeon?
BERT: Eye of the Pigeon? Yes, that can work. Hand me my nose plug, Ern. Bert’s gonna swim!
(Ernie places a nose plug around Bert’s face and Bert marches out of the locker room while Ernie holds Brad.)
ERNIE: Did you hear that, Brad? Your Uncle Bert’s gonna show you how to be a grade-A swim champion.
BRAD: Unca Bert! Unca Bert! Goo goo goo!
ERNIE: Don’t you mean, go go go?
* * * * *
REFEREE: One minute to go!
SPAMELA: Oh, this is not looking good for the Sesame team. If their swimmer doesn’t show up soon, it’s a total forfeit!
BERT’S VOICE: There’ll be no forfeit for my team today!
(Everyone turns around and finds Bert marching to the pool.)
SPAMELA: Look! It’s one of the team captains of the Sesame team! It’s Bert, marching to the startling line, looking very manly!
(The crowd starts cheering as some girls wave to Bert, blowing him kisses.)
BERT(flexing his muscles): Hey, maybe this Speedo isn’t so bad after all. Eh, eh, eh, eh!
STATLER: Hey Waldorf, would you ever wear one of those Speedos?
WALDORF: I’m wearing one right now. A white super absorbent one!
SPAMELA: Now all four swimmers are at the starting line waiting to show off their wonderful water works!
REFEREE: Swimmers, on your mark, get set, BANG!
SPAMELA: And they’re off! It looks like Gobo has taken a lead, with Pip and Pepe, swimming in second, and it looks like poor Bert is not only the last to appear at the starting line, but he seems to be in last place. Oh! I can just watch these swimming hunks all day!
(Pepe starts to swim over to Spamela.)
PEPE: Well how about you watch this swimming hunk up close, okay?
SPAMELA: Well, uh…
PEPE: Yes, I know you’re speechless, okay? It’s not every day a cute little pig like yourself can be in the presence of a hunky piece of prawn like myself!
SPAMELA: Shouldn’t you be getting back to the race? You’ve just moved down to last place.
PEPE: Oh boy! I guess I’d better get back to swimming. (Then Pepe takes out a damp piece of paper and starts writing something on it and hands it to Spamela.)
PEPE: Here’s my number. Maybe later tonight, we can come back to my place and we can share a hot tub together, okay?
SPAMELA: Are you sure boiling in hot water is good for prawns like you?
PEPE: Just as long as I’m not breaded, I’ll be fine, okay? See you around my little cutie pork pie!
(Pepe starts swimming again while Spamela looks nervously at the damp paper. But then the phone number gets washed off and Spamela sighs of relief.)
SPAMELA(Looking up at the sky): Thank you Lord! (Then looks back at the pool.)
SPAMELA: Our swimmers have just reached the other end of the pool and are swimming back. And it looks like Gobo and Pip have taken the lead while Bert and Pepe are trying to catch up. Just what’s going through these swimmer’s minds as they’re thriving to win?
BERT: Eye of the Pigeon! Eye of the Pigeon!
GOBO: Catch a tail by the tiger! Take the horns by the bull!
PIP: Win one for the Kipper! A nice tasty delicious kipper! (Pip starts to slow down.)
PEPE: Oh, that Spamela sure is hot! One real hottie sausage! (Pepe starts to slow down as well.)
SPAMELA: It looks like both Pip and Pepe have slowed down and are just bobbing in the water, deep in thought. Now it looks like it’s just Gobo and Bert approaching the finish. Who will turn out victorious?
BERT: Who am I kidding?! There’s no way I can beat that Fraggle! Wait a minute, Brad believes in me. If I give up, I’ll let him down and Brad may not ever want to swim! Kick those legs and move those arms Bert! I’ll show Ernie my arms aren’t that floppy-soggy!
(Bert starts spinning his arms like boat paddles and takes off like a bullet.)
SPAMELA: Wait a minute, it looks like someone shot a torpedo into the pool! No, wait. It is Bert swimming at lightning speed! And he’s catching up with Gobo! Both swimmers have crossed the finish line together. It looks like this’ll be a photo finish.
(We see a Muppet camera approach Spamela and start taking pictures of her.)
SPAMELA: Oh please. I don’t really need to do any photo shoots right now! I just need the winner of this race.)
CAMERA: Sorry, you always seem to have some cosmic control over us lowly cameras. Here you go!
(The camera ejects a picture from his mouth and Spamela takes it.)
SPAMELA: And it looks like Bert wins by his unusually pointy head! The Sesame Street team wins!
(The crowd starts cheering as well as the Sesame team.)
ERNIE: That’s my old buddy Bert! Did you see that Brad? Your uncle won! Uh, Brad? Where’d you go?
(Bert waves to the crowd while drinking a bottle of Oatmeal-ade. Then Spamela approaches him.)
SPAMELA: Excuse me, Bert. You gave your fans quite a lot of suspense. First almost showing up late, and then appearing to be in last place, but then catching up in a sudden burst of energy. Tell me, what drove you to win?
BERT BLUSHING: Well, Spamela. Eh eh eh eh! I couldn’t’ve done all of this in the first place without the encouragement of my dear little nephew, Brad. I hope seeing me win will show Brad that swimming can be fun.
(Bert turns his head around and finds Brad splashing around in the shallow end of the pool.)
BERT(bursting with pride): Brad, you’re in the pool! Oh, I’m so proud of you!
BRAD(Goo goo goo!): Brad climbs out of the pool and waddles over to Bert.
BERT: Yes Brad, come and give your Uncle Bert a loving hug!
(Bert holds out his arms and waits for Brad. But Brad just waddles past him.)
A PUZZLED BERT: Brad?(Bert looks over and sees Brad in Spamela’s arms.)
SPAMELA: Oh, you’re such a cutie!
BRAD: Goo goo ga! (And he starts nuzzling his pointy head against Spamela’s neck.)
A GRUMPY BERT: He’s hit puberty way too early!
(Pepe rises his head out of water and becomes shocked seeing Brad and Spamela together.)
PEPE: If only I were a young prince prawn again!
SPAMELA: This is Spamela Hamderson bringing you back to Lewis Kazagger. Say goodbye, sweetie! (Spamela points her microphone to Brad’s mouth. And Brad just spits in it. The entire crowd goes, “AAAAWWWWWW!”)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: What a cute way to end a spectacular swim meet! And it looks like the Sesame team will get a point on the scoreboard as well. Digit, what’s the scoring so far?
* * * * * *
(We see Digit at the scoreboard taking out one of his cords and twirling them around making cat’s whiskers.)
LEWIS: Digit, the scoring sometime today please?
A BLUSHING DIGIT: Oh, right! Why can’t I stop these bad personal habits?
(Digit turns down a knob on his head causing the blushing to cease, then untangles his cord and plugs it into the Sesame Street section giving them 1 point.)
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like now the Sesame, Fraggle, and the Big Blue House teams are all tied with one point each, while the Muppet Show team is the only one in last place with zero. Back to you, Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: And there you have the scoring. Will the Muppet Show team get out of last place and catch up? And will I ever see my co-anchor, Newsie, again? Stay tuned for Day 5 of the Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.
(Newsman crawls back in all beaten up with his clothes all torn.)
LEWIS: Newsie! You’ve escaped those hungry sharks! How’d you do it?
NEWSMAN(panting): I’m just lucky one of the nearby vendors was selling fish fries. Sharks much prefer fish to humans.
LEWIS: Well, it’s good to have you back at my side.
NEWSMAN: Thank you. And it’s good that I didn’t get eaten after all.
(Then a huge purple monster known as Gorgon Heap barges into the announcer box.)
GORGON: Tenderized human! My favorite!
NEWSMAN: OH NO! (Gorgon grabs the Newsman and swallows him whole. Then Gorgon looks at the shaking Lewis.)
GORGON: This is a mighty fine snack bar you have here, sir. (He hands Lewis five bucks and walks out the door.)
LEWIS: Snack bar?! Wait a minute! (Lewis steps out the door and sees the words, SNACK BAR, painted over the entrance of the announcer box. Then he sees some punk kids holding a paintbrush and paintbucket while giggling.)
LEWIS: You punk kids! When I get my hands on you….!
(The kids run away and as Lewis was about to reach out his hands, he saw the money in one of them.)
LEWIS: Hey, five bucks! I think I’ll go get me some nachos. I hope those punks didn’t paint, announcer booth, over the snack bar door. Heh heh! You want anything, Newsie?
(We see Gorgon hanging out in the hall while the shape of Newsman’s head forms in his stomach.)
NEWSMAN: If you would, see if they have any castor oil! Lots and lots of it!
(Camera goes off.)
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