Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 9
LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 9 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I’m Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN(wearing a helmet and body padding): And I’m your heavily protected Newsman.
LEWIS: Newsie, what’s with all the armor? Why am I asking that? Of course I know why!
NEWSMAN: That’s right. I thought ahead today. I’m fully prepared if something falls on me.
LEWIS: But what if another monster tries to eat you?
(Just then, the big giant monster known as Big Mean Carl enters the booth.)
CARL: Hi! I’m Carl. And I’m gonna eat you! (Carl grabs Newsman by the neck while Newsman just looks at him with no fear at all. And just as he was about to eat the Newsman, Carl scrunched up his huge mouth.)
CARL: Eyyech! Forget it, pal! I can’t eat you. I’m gonna look for a much fresher human to eat. (Carl leaves the booth.)
LEWIS: That was amazing, Newsie! How did you get that behemoth to leave you alone? (Newsman just smiles and takes out a bottle)
NEWSMAN: It’s all thanks to Dr. Honeydew’s patented monster repellent. It protects humans from getting eaten by ferocious monsters on the street or in announcer booths.
LEWIS: Well this is certainly wonderful news to people who are monsterphobics. And speaking of monsters, here’s our friendly little monster, Telly, bringing you an update on the cross country bike race.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly standing in the woods.)
TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest bike race update. Right now, I’m in the woods where our cyclists will be passing through here. And here comes the first one. Pedaling in the lead is Doc Hog.
DOC HOG: I just love riding through Mother Nature’s territory. Green trees, brown bark, birds chirping, and a cute little rabbit making panicking noises. Wait a minute?
(A spastic white rabbit runs up to Doc Hog in a panic.)
RABBIT: Excuse me! But do you know if there’s a doctor in the forest?!
DOC HOG: Why, I happen to be a doctor. What can I do for you, son?
RABBIT: It’s my wife! She’s about to give birth, but there’re no phones around here to call an ambulance!
DOC HOG: Stay calm, son. Lead me to her and old Doc Hog will save the day.
RABBIT: Bless you, doctor. Right this way. (The rabbit leads Doc Hog to his burrow while Telly follows after them.)
TELLY: Excuse me, Doc Hog. But don’t you know you’re in a race right now? You could go from the lead to last place.
DOC HOG: I know that, my boy. But haven’t you noticed the first three letters in my name?
TELLY: D-O-C?
DOC HOG: That’s right. I’m a doctor first and a biker second. But don’t worry, this shouldn’t take long. (Telly watches Doc Hog and the rabbit go down into the ground.)
TELLY: Doesn’t that make your heart melt? This noble doctor is giving up his lead to help out a future mother rabbit who’s about to give birth any minute. If you’ll please get back to me later, Lewis, I’ll give you the latest report.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Sure thing, Telly. And while we’re waiting on what will happen with the good hog doctor, here’s junior reporter, Prairie Dawn, bringing you today’s event.
* * * * * *
BAKE OFF:
* * * * * *
(We see Prairie Dawn in the stadium next to some Muppets near ovens.)
PRAIRIE: Thank you, Lewis. Hello, this is Prairie Dawn bringing you today’s event which is a bake off. This is a perfect chance for certain people who are not very athletic to compete in something they are talented at, making delicious treats.
(Cookie Monster suddenly barges in.)
COOKIE: Oh, me want treats! Let me at them!
PRAIRIE(pushing Cookie back): But Cookie Monster, you are not competing in this event. Your team already has someone competing.
COOKIE: Me just want to taste and judge each dish! Oh please!
PRAIRIE: But we already have a panel of blue ribbon judges who will taste each treat. You cannot judge because you are a member of the Sesame Street team and that would be unfair to the other teams if you were a judge.
COOKIE: Me just want little taste of everything. Me even promise to hold nose while eating so me won’t know what each food taste like! That way me won’t judge which is best.
PRAIRIE: Sorry, Charlie! That won’t fly in my book. Monster patrol!
(A purple guy in an orange monster patrol uniform appears and sprays monster repellent at Cookie Monster.)
COOKIE: BLEECH! Okay, me go! You don’t have to get forceful!
PRAIRIE(speaking to the monster patrolman): Thank you, that will be all. (The man tips his hat and leaves.)
PRAIRIE: Now let us meet the contestants for each event. Competing for the Sesame Street team is Big Bird.
BIG BIRD: Oh, hi Prairie. How are you? (We see Big Bird wearing an apron while mixing something on top of the oven.)
PRAIRIE: Hello, Big Bird. I am fine. Can you tell our viewers out there what you are making? It looks like some kind of cookie dough.
BIG BIRD: It is. I’m going to be baking some cookies that my Granny Bird taught me how to bake some time ago.
PRAIRIE: How wonderful. What kind of cookies will you be making, chocolate chip, walnut, or oatmeal?
(Cookie peeks from behind the corner.)
COOKIE: Oh, must she torture me with those sweet words?!!
BIG BIRD: Oh no. I’m making the best kind of all. Birdseed Cookies! (Big Bird starts to pour a whole bag of birdseed into the mixing bowl.)
PRAIRIE: Birdseed cookies?! Yechh!
BIG BIRD: What did you just say?
PRAIRIE: Oh, I said, “Yes that is birdseed all right. And I hope the judges REALLY show kindness for you. Honestly.”
BIG BIRD: Aw, thank you for your support, Prairie. Care to lick the spoon? (Big Bird hands Prairie a birdseed coated spoon while Prairie frowns.)
PRAIRIE: Uh, I wish I could, but I cannot. We reporters have rules about eating while on duty.
CAMERAMAN IN THE BACK: No you don’t. I’ve see you eat candy bars a lot while reporting.
PRAIRIE: Do you want to see your next paycheck?! Um, thank you, Big Bird, but now we have to interview the other competitors. (Prairie grabs the cameraman by the shirt and drags him away.)
* * * * * *
COOKIE: Even birdseed cookies sound delicious. If only me were a judge. Let’s see, how do you sign right forms and cut through red tape to be judge? (Then a light bulb appears over Cookie’s head.) ME KNOW! (Cookie rushes off, but then comes back to grab the hovering light bulb and then eats it.) Nice, light snack! (Then he rushes off again.)
* * * * * *
PRAIRIE: Next, we go to the oven where the baker for the Big Blue House team is working on her entry. And it’s Tutter’s own grandmother, Grandma Flutter.
(We see the little grandma mouse on top of the oven.)
PRAIRIE: Hello, Grandma Flutter.
GRANDMA: Oh, hello Dearie. (Grandma takes one step back, then realizes she was about to sit down on one of the top burners.) Oh dear! I’m glad I noticed that in time. This old mouse doesn’t need another burn scar in her old age.
PRAIRIE: You seem to have your hands full trying to operate a huge oven like that. Are you sure you would not want to operate an oven your size? I have one in my dollhouse that is perfect for you.
GRANDMA: Oh no, sweetie. Thank you for your offer, but I need a big oven for the big treat I’m making. It’s something as big as the world.
PRAIRIE: Oh my! I do not think a person any size can make something as big as the world.
GRANDMA: Actually, I was kind of exaggerating. I meant to say it’s like the world.
PRAIRE: Come again? (Just then, the oven timer goes off.)
GRANDMA: Ah, it’s ready. Be a dear and take it out of the stove for me, please?
(Prairie takes an oven mitt, opens the door, and takes out something that’s huge and round.)
PRAIRIE: Wow, look at this thing! It looks like a huge globe of the world. (She starts sniffing it.) And it smells like cheese.
GRANDMA: Exactly! It’s a giant cheese ball that looks like our wide wonderful world.
PRAIRIE: This is amazing! And it looks like every country is made from a different cheese.
GRANDMA: That’s right, Dearie. I have American cheese shaped like the USA, Swiss cheese shaped like Switzerland, Brie shaped like France, Mozzarella shaped like Italy with a dab of Parmesan for the Vatican, Australian cheddar shaped like Australia, and many more cheeses from around the world.
PRAIRIE: This is so fascinating! What is the ocean made of?
GRANDMA: It’s Bleu cheese like the blue ocean. I even sprinkled a little salt on the sea parts to get the actual flavor.
PRAIRIE: What about Antarctica? I cannot think of a cheese that comes from Antarctica.
GRANDMA: That part was tricky. But thanks to an Antarctic seal I once met while traveling, I asked her to send me some milk from a mother seal and I used it to make Antarctic cheese.
PRAIRIE(making a funny face): How very interesting. I hope the judges will like their world wide feast.
(Then Prairie walks over to what looks like a huge white medical tent.)
PRAIRIE: This was supposed to be the spot where Boober from the Fraggle team is supposed to be baking his entry. But this huge tent is here instead.
(Prairie knocks on the tent flap and Boober comes out wearing a white coat, hat, rubber gloves, and a surgical mask.)
BOOBER: Can I help you?
PRAIRIE: Yes, I would like to interview you and see what you are making. May I please come in?
BOOBER: Well, okay. But first you have to put this stuff on. (He hands Prairie the same stuff he’s wearing.)
PRAIRIE: But, why?
BOOBER: Because I don’t want you bringing in any evil germs that might infect my dish!
PRAIRIE: Oh, very well. (Prairie puts on the white coat, hat, rubber gloves, and mask.) I feel like a member of Scrubs!
BOOBER: I almost forgot! Your cameraman will have to wear the same thing too! (Boober hands Prairie another set of clothes.)
PRAIRIE: You heard the Fraggle. Suit up!
(Soon booth Prairie and the cameraman were dressed up and ready to enter Boober’s germ free tent.)
BOOBER: Perfect. You’re both germ free. But just to be really sure… (Boober takes a spray can and sprays both Prairie and the cameraman, making the picture fuzzy.)
PRAIRIE: Oh dear! (Prairie wipes the camera lens clear and then she talks to Boober.) You seem to have a big thing about germs, don’t you?
BOOBER: You bet I do! Germs are the vilest creatures on the face of the Earth! Never underestimate the tiniest of all evil! I don’t want them sabotaging my entry!
PRAIRIE: And just what is it you are baking?
BOOBER: I’ll show you if you keep your breath to yourself. (Boober leads Prairie to an oven where two Fraggles in the same germ protection clothes were standing in front of it. They raised their spray cans at Prairie.)
BOOBER: It’s okay men, she’s been sterilized! (The two Fraggles step aside showing a soufflé through the oven window.
PRAIRIE: Why, it is a soufflé.
BOOBER: It’s an artichoke soufflé, one of my most favorite things to bake.
PRAIRIE: I am sure the judges might find this an interesting treat to eat.
BOOBER: Just as long as those judges brush their teeth and use mouth wash before eating. I don’t want germs getting into my soufflé when they start chewing it.
PRAIRIE(looking funny at Boober): And there you have it, sports fans. A Fraggle who tries to make his goods germ free!
BOOBER: Otherwise, they wouldn’t be goods, they’d be BADS! Heh, heh, heh! A little baker’s joke!
(Prairie sighs as she and the cameraman leave the tent and get out of their germ protection clothes. Then Prairie heads over to the final oven.)
PRAIRIE: And finally, competing for The Muppet Show team is the team’s own personal chef, The Swedish Chef.
(We see the Swedish Chef singing in Mock Swedish while dancing around holding two wire whisks.)
CHEF: BORK BORK BORK! (He ends up tossing the whisks and one of them almost hits Prairie.)
PRAIRIE: Watch it, will you?
CHEF: Soo-ree!
PRAIRIE: Well, Mr. Chef. Care to share with our viewers what kind of recipe will you be cooking for our judges?
CHEF: Enga bonga nonga zeenga cook de Oopsy-Daisy Cake!
PRAIRIE: Oopsy-Daisy Cake? Oh, you must mean Upside-down cake.
CHEF: Ya! Oopsy-Daisy Cake!
PRAIRIE: Can you show our viewers how you will make your cake?
CHEF: Ya, ya! Foost, teek de white iggies. (Chef takes out two eggs.)
PRAIRIE(speaking to the camera): He means eggs. (She then notices the Chef cracking the eggs over the trashcan, causing the yolks to drop inside.)
A PUZZLED PRAIRIE: Um, excuse me Mr. Chef. But that is the trashcan. You really should be putting those egg yolks in your mixing bowl.
CHEF: Noo noo! Yooks goo indee treesh! Iggie shools goo indee bool! (Chef drops the two broken egg shells into the mixing bowl.)
PRAIRIE: No, you are not supposed to put the shells into the mix!
CHEF: Ya, ya! Shools ur goo! In fooct, here ur mur shools! (Chef takes out a bowl of walnuts.)
PRAIRIE: So the recipe also calls for walnuts too? But I do not see a nutcracker on your table.
CHEF: Goot nootcreeker root here! (Chef takes out a sledgehammer and starts smashing the nuts along with the table they were sitting on.)
PRAIRIE: Oh dear!
CHEF: Ya, ya! Nooties ull smooshed doo beats! (The Chef picks up all the nut shells and puts them in the mix as well.)
PRAIRIE: You mean you’re putting more shells into the mix?!
CHEF: Dats noot ull! Nooxt cooms de bananana-nanana-nanana! (The Chef starts peeling a banana and throws the peel into the mix.)
PRAIRIE: That is the peel you just threw in. You are supposed to throw the inside of the bananana-nanana-nanana-nananan, I mean, the banana in the mix!
CHEF: EYEEEEEW! (And he throws the bare banana away somewhere on the field and then takes a huge pineapple.)
PRAIRIE: Oh no! Do not tell me that you are going to throw out the insides and put the prickly pineapple skin into your mix as well?!
CHEF: HO HO HO HO! Dats ridicooloos! De whool peenoople gooze in! (Chef tries to cram the huge pineapple into the small bowl. Then Chef puts the bowl on the ground and starts to stomp into the mix with his bare feet.)
A HORRIFIED PRAIRIE: What are you doing?!
CHEF: Joost smooshing the moox! La la la la! OOCH! (Chef sits down on the stool and sees some pineapple prickles on his feet. He picks off the prickles and continues stomping while singing.)
PRAIRIE: Now I see why you are calling it an Oopsy-Daisy Cake! Because it starts with one big OOPS! I am out of here!
(Prairie and the cameraman leave the Chef and his slightly odd baking strategies.)
PRAIRIE: While our bakers are finishing up their unusual recipes, let us meet our blue ribbon panel of celebrity judges who will taste each and every one of them. Oh, I sure hope these will not be the last time we will see them!
(Prairie approached a dining table where three Muppets are waiting to eat.)
PRAIRIE: Our first judge is that famous opera singing bird, Placido Flamingo.
PLACIDO: Figaro! Figaro! I am a Figaro Flamingo!
PRAIRIE: Our second judge is that celebrated actress, Meryl Sheep.
MERYL: Baa! That is correct, ya?
PRAIRIE: And our third judge is our favorite star of Bay of Pigswatch, Spamela Hamderson.
(Instead of Spamela, we see Cookie Monster dressed in a blonde wig, a red girl’s swimsuit, and a fake pig’s snout strapped to his face.)
COOKIE: Like, hello all you hunky surf dudes!
PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! You do not look like Spamela Hamderson!
COOKIE: Like, how can you say that! Me feelings are hurt!
PRAIRIE: It is just that I have never seen you with blue fur before.
COOKIE: Me was in hurry. No time for bikini wax!
(The real Spamela Hamderson marches in.)
SPAMELA: Hold it right there, you imposter!
COOKIE: Uh oh! Me busted!
PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! What is going on here?
SPAMELA: A furry blue monster told me there was a surprise for me in the broom closet. But when I stepped inside, he slammed the door and locked me in! Luckily, a passing staff member heard my cute cries and let me out.
PRAIRIE: A furry blue monster, eh? (Prairie pulls off the pig’s snout and reveals Cookie Monster.)
COOKIE: Um, Me big Spamela fan and wanted to be like her?
SPAMELA: Oh really? I’m flattered.
PRAIRIE(sighing and then shouting out): MONSTER PATROL!
COOKIE: Oh, bye bye! (Cookie runs away while the same monster patrolman chases after him.)
(Cookie spies some huge medicine balls and curls up into a huge furry ball, causing the patrolman to run past him.)
COOKIE(uncurling himself): Wheh! That close! Oh, if only there was some way me can taste those goodies! (Cookie then spies the unpeeled banana The Swedish Chef threw away.)
COOKIE: At least me get some potassium. (Cookie was about to approach the banana until the referee walks by and accidentally slips on the mushy banana and ends up bumping his head on the ground. Cookie rushes to the referee’s aid.)
COOKIE: You okay, Mr. Referee?
REFEREE(with a dazed look): Wow! Someone actually slipped on a banana instead of a peel! (Then he faints.)
COOKIE: Oh, poor referee! He really needs some rest right now. Someone needs to take his place. THAT’S IT! (Cookie then drags the unconscious referee to an empty locker room.)
* * * * * *
(Soon, all the bakers had finished their recipes and were waiting for their goods to cool.)
CHEF: Foonally, muh moosterpeecee iz doon! (Chef takes out a horrible looking brown mutated cake covered with shell shards, banana peel bits, and pineapple prickles.)
* * * * * *
WALDORF: You know Statler, seeing the Chef’s cake makes me think of that old saying.
STATLER: What’s that?
WALDORF: Having your cake and dying from it too!
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!
* * * * * *
BIG BIRD(taking out a hot tray): At last, my birdseed cookies are done. Granny Bird would be proud of me.
COOKIE’S VOICE: Attention all bakers! (Big Bird, Grandma Flutter, Boober, and The Chef turn around and see Cookie Monster disguised as the referee, dressed in a black and white striped shirt and whistle. And he had on a black wig and black mustache.)
GRANDMA: Is there a problem, Mr. Ref?
COOKIE: Just one little rule me want to mention. Before you present goodies to judges, you must wash hands. It part of good hygiene.
BIG BIRD: But I don’t have hands, just wings.
COOKIE: Wings count too.
BOOBER: You all heard the referee. You should always have clean hands or wings at all times, especially when dealing with food.
GRANDMA: I agree. Grandma’s have to set a good example to you know?
CHEF(checking out his dirty, prickly, hands.) Ya, ya! To de moon’s boothroom!
BIG BIRD: Moon’s Boothroom? What’s a boothroom and why is it on the moon?
GRANDMA: I believe he said men’s bathroom in Mock Swedish, Dearie.
BIG BIRD: Oh yeah!
GRANDMA: And I should be going to the women’s bathroom, or the woomoon’s boothroom in Mock Swedish.
CHEF: Ya ya!
(The four bakers leave their ovens and entries to get their hands and wings washed, leaving Cookie Monster alone with the food. Cookie looks over at Prairie who was still busy interviewing the judges to turn around.)
COOKIE: All clear! COWA- Oops, better whisper it. Cowabunga! (Cookie rushes over to Big Bird’s birdseed cookies and starts gobbling them all up.) Oh, that’s so good! Big Bird is sure to win event, if me hadn’t eaten all cookies. Oh look, globe shaped like cheese!
(Cookie then rushes over to Grandma Flutter’s cheese globe and takes a bite out of North America.)
COOKIE: What they say is true! Wisconsin truly is cheese state! (He continues to eat the entire globe until all there was left was a cheesy red core.) That one way to reach center of Earth! (And he swallows the core as well. Cookie was about to approach Boober’s soufflé until he sees the bakers coming back.)
COOKIE: Uh, oh! Me better speed this along! (Cookie takes out a remote control and hits the fast forward button. He starts to eat up the soufflé and the Chef’s cake in fast motion. Then Cookie goes over to the corner to lie down and rub his stomach in pain.)
BIG BIRD: Hey, what happened to my cookies?!
CHEF: Oh, Oopsy-Daisy Cake! Wer yoo goo?!
GRANDMA: What happened to my cheesy world?!
BOOBER: I knew it! The germs took away our food! You can’t leave your eyes off of them for even a minute!
PRAIRIE: Excuse me, contestants. But the judges are waiting for you to bring them your entries.
BIG BIRD: I’m sorry, Prairie. But all our food is gone!
PRAIRIE: What do you mean gone?! All four foods could not have disappeared all at once!
GRANDMA: Hey, there’s the referee over there. Maybe he saw what happened to our goodies. (Prairie and the bakers rush over to Cookie Monster, who was rubbing his now expanded stomach.)
GRANDMA: Pardon us, Mr. Referee. But did you see what happened to all our food while we were washing our hands?
BOOBER: The germs took them away, right?
COOKIE: Uh, yeah, that’s it! Me saw little germs run away with oh-so delicious food.
PRAIRIE: But how can you see germs? They are very microscopic.
COOKIE: Um, Me googly eyes have magic powers? BURP!
PRAIRIE: Googly eyes?! And I recognize that burp! (Prairie goes over and rips off Cookie’s false mustache.) COOKIE MONSTER!!!!!
COOKIE: Uh, oh. Me busted again!
PRAIRIE: And I ought to bust you like a balloon for eating all the entries for this contest!
BIG BIRD: Cookie, how could you?! I thought we were on the same team?!
(The Chef takes out a rolling pin, shouts out a lot of angry Mock Swedish curse words, and was about to flatten the monster. Just then, Cookie makes out another loud, “BURP!” releasing a cloud of brown gas. The Chef sniffs the gas, drops his rolling pin and smiles.)
PRAIRIE: What is it, Chef?
CHEF: It’s muh Oopsy-Daisy Cake! In goose form! (All the others take a whiff of the gas as well and then frown at The Chef’s horrible baking.)
BIG BIRD: It doesn’t smell or even look like a goose at all. I should know for I have cousins who are geese.
GRANDMA: I believe what The Chef was saying that his cake is in gas form.
PRAIRIE: Yes, this gas does smell like The Chef’s unusual cake. (She quickly covers her nose.)
(Just then, Cookie started belching out three more gas clouds.)
BIG BIRD: Hey, this gas smells like my birdseed cookies.
GRANDMA: And this one smells like my cheese globe. I even smell the Limburger I made to look like Belgium.
BOOBER: And I smell my poor artichoke soufflé. Oh, he had to leave so quickly in life!
PRAIRIE: Cookie, do you mean you can burp out the stuff you just ate in separate gases?
COOKIE: Me no like to brag, but….
PRAIRIE: That is it! Everyone! Help me get Cookie over to the judges’ table! (Everyone lifted up the full Cookie Monster and rushed him over to the table where Placido, Meryl, and Spamela were waiting.)
PLACIDO: A Cookie Monster shaped cake! How splendid!
SPAMELA: And it looks so plump.
MERYL: Ya, I fear if I eat this, I may not be able to fit in my wool coat anymore.
PRAIRIE: Uh, judges. There has been a slight alteration of plans. This monster has eaten all the bakers’ entries before they had a chance to reach your table.
PLACIDO: You mean we don’t get to eat these fine bakers’ delicious recipes? What a disappointment!
SPAMELA: I’ll say.
MERYL: It looks like I won’t have to go off my diet after all.
PRAIRIE: But do not worry. Cookie Monster will just belch out the smells of each recipe and you can sniff them and choose which one is best. What do you say?
SPAMELA: You mean he’s gonna belch in our faces?! EYEEWW!
PLACIDO: I suppose smelling delicious food is better than nothing.
MERYL: Ya, I can go with that. Though belching sounds disgusting, at least the smells might be better than the sounds.
SPAMELA(sighing): I suppose I’m in too, for the sake of Muppet Sports.
PRAIRIE: It looks like the bake off is still on. All right, Cookie Monster. Can you belch out Big Bird’s birdseed cookie gas?
COOKIE: Let me adjust stomach first. (Cookie starts wiggling and moving his stomach around like he was trying to find an object in a huge sack.) There cookie gas. BURP! (Cookie releases some gas shaped like cookies and the three judges start to smell them.)
PLACIDO: Ah, yes! They are very sweet smelling birdseed cookies. Just like the ones my own Mamma used to make. MAMA MIA! MAMA MIA!
BIG BIRD(blushing): Aw! Thank you, Mr. Flamingo.
PRAIRIE: Okay, Cookie. Now release Boober’s artichoke soufflé smell. (Cookie belches out another gas cloud shaped like a soufflé and the judges sniff it.)
A NERVOUS BOOBER: That soufflé cloud is sure to attract germs big time!
SPAMELA: What a very interesting smell.
MERYL: Ya, I like this smell judging more than tasting. It’s low in carbs.
PLACIDO: This is certainly one artichoke smell that I won’t, if you’ll excuse the pun, CHOKE on. Ha ha ha!
PRAIRIE: Now Cookie, release Grandma Flutter’s cheese globe smell. (Cookie complied and belched out a gas shaped like a cheesy world. And our judges sniffed that as well.)
SPAMELA: Wow, so many cheesy smells tickling my snout.
PLACIDO: So many different cheeses of the world. It is like I’m on tour of each country right now.
MERYL: Ya, and smelling delicious cheeses is good for those who are lactose intolerant and cannot eat cheese.
PRAIRIE: Okay, Cookie. There’s one last smell to get over with. The Chef’s Oopsy-Daisy Cake. (Prairie starts whispering to the camera.) I’m just thankful our judges will just have to smell it instead of tasting it.
(Cookie belches out the final gas cloud that was shaped like a mangled cake. The judges sniff the last cloud and make horrible frowns.)
SPAMELA: Eyeeww! What a stench!
MERYL: Ya! How awful! It smells like someone had put their stinky feet in the mixing bowl!
PLACIDO: And that smell makes me want to sing the blues instead of the opera! How gastly!
COOKIE: To tell you all truth, me had better. A LOT BETTER!
(Hearing these insulting words, The Chef angrily picks up a pot and a rolling pin and starts charging at the judges’ table shouting more angry Mock Swedish curse words! They start shaking in fear as the angry chef gets closer and closer.)
PRAIRIE: Oh dear! Hostile Swedish Chef Patrol! (The same monster patrolman reappears and sprays a different spray at the Chef causing him to stop, scrunch up his face, and run away in panic.)
PRAIRIE: Whew, I sure am glad Dr. Honeydew also created that Hostile Swedish Chef repellent the same day he created that monster repellent. Okay judges, go ahead and make your decision.
(The three judges bunch together and discus which smell they liked the best.)
PLACIDO: We have decided. Even though some of us were disappointed that we could not actually eat the delicious things we just smelled, we were also thankful we could not eat the things we did not really want to eat. Like a certain cake made by a hostile chef.
SPAMELA: But we’ve decided that the Cheese Globe we just smelled was totally out of this world!
MERYL: Ya, we give the victory to the very talented Grandma Flutter.
(The crowd starts to cheer as Grandma Flutter looks around surprised and proud. Then Spamela approaches Grandma and gives her a golden spatula.)
SPAMELA: And we award you with the Golden Spatula Award for winning the Battle of the Muppet All-Stars Bake Off! Congratulations!
(Grandma looks at the golden spatula with pride, while a tear falls from her grandmotherly eye. Then she looks over at her team’s dugout and sees her grandson, Tutter, whistling and waving at her happily.)
TUTTER: Way to go, Grandma!
GRANDMA: Thank you, everyone, especially my dear sweet grandson, Tutter. Though I am kind of sad that no one here got to taste my cheese globe, except for that monster who may be greedy, but does have good taste, I am so glad that you still liked how my creation smelled. Maybe next time, I’ll cook up another cheese globe. And perhaps, more countries will be formed at that time and I can create more cheese countries.
PLACIDO: Wait, we almost forgot to give you your winning gold covered baker’s hat! (Placido places a large golden baker’s hat on Grandma’s head. But it was so big for such a small mouse, that the hat completely covered her entire body.)
SPAMELA: Um, make that your winning gold covered tent!
GRANDMA: It feels kind of warm and cozy here. Like the first baker’s hat I first started baking in.
PRAIRIE: And there you have it, sports fans. The bake off ends with Grandma Flutter taking the victory! Despite how a certain Cookie Monster almost ruined everything! (Prairie turns over to Cookie Monster, who was still lying on the judges’ table still burping out gas clouds.)
COOKIE: This might be good way to solve expensive gas prices! HA HA HA! BUUURRRRP!
PRAIRIE(shaking her head): Oh dear! This is Prairie Dawn bringing you back to Lewis Kazagger.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Prairie. That certainly was a flavorful event we just saw. Now let’s go to Digit with today’s scoring.
* * * * * *
(Digit was too busy playing Space Invaders on an old game system and then started cheering.)
DIGIT: Yes! I scored 28, 992 points, I’M THE DROID! (Then he checks his earpiece) What, the scoring? Oh yeah! (Digit turns the knob on the chest and the Big Blue House section on the scoreboard starts blinking.)
DIGIT: Well Lewis, it looks like the Big Blue House team has taken a huge lead with, 28, 992 points?! Oh my! They must’ve won the whole thing with that jumbo score. It’s the same as my Space Invaders score! Wait a minute. Oops! My bad! Hold on a minute, please! (Digit’s face turns red with embarrassment as he adjusts his knob again. The Big Blue House’s score dropped down to the correct score.)
DIGIT: Sorry about that everyone. But in truth, the Big Blue House team does have the lead right now. They’re leading with 3 points while the other teams are tied in second with 2 points each. Now back to you, Lewis and Newsman.
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: Thank you, Digit. Well, sports fans, it looks like The Big Blue House team is in the lead right now. And speaking of that team, let’s see how, Doc Hog, another member of that same team is doing right now with our Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly back in the woods, surrounded by a bunch of baby bunnies.)
TELLY: Thank you, Mr. Newsman. Once again, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you another update. If you had seen earlier in the bike race, Doc Hog had a good lead, but he had to stop to help a mother rabbit who was about to give birth. The Doctor had been at it for a long time pulling out baby bunnies by the dozens! In fact, he has been at it for so long, the other 3 bikers had passed him taking away his lead. But at least the noble Doc Hog has just delivered 123 baby bunnies.
COUNT: No, make that 124 beautiful bouncing baby bunnies! HA HA HA HA! (Telly turns his head and sees the Count hugging some of the newborn bunnies.)
TELLY: Count, why have you stopped? No, wait. Don’t tell me. You wanted to stop and count the bunnies, right?
COUNT: Not only that, I love seeing newborn babies come into this world. It’s so heartwarming. (He starts tickling a baby bunny’s chin.) One coochy-coo! Two coochy-coos!
(We see Doc Hog holding the last baby bunny while the mother bunny lies on the grass panting happily.)
DOC HOG: Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit. You’re now the proud parents of 124 cute little baby bunnies.
MRS. RABBIT: Oh, I’m so happy. Thank you, doctor!
MR. RABBIT: Yeah, Doc. How can we ever repay you?
DOC HOG(with a serious face): Just don’t ever ask me to baby sit, okay? (The rabbits just look at the serious doctor, but then Doc Hog begins to laugh out loud and the rabbit parents start to laugh too along with their 124 new children.)
TELLY: There you have it, Doc Hog giving up his lead to help out his fellow woodland creatures, another sign of good sportsmanship. This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis and the Newsman. (Telly then looks down and sees a baby bunny chewing on his microphone.) Please don’t chew on that. This is not a carrot, even though it has lots of iron in it.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. Boy Newsie, this sure has been an exciting day.
NEWSMAN: I’ll say. Lots of interesting foods were made, unusual belch clouds, newborn bunnies, and best of all, I didn’t get eaten today! (Then Big Mean Carl re-enters the booth.)
CARL: Hi, again. I’m Carl, but I told you that already. And I’m gonna try and eat you again! (And he grabs Newsman by the neck.)
NEWSMAN: You can’t! I’m covered with monster repellant!
CARL: I can now. Thanks to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s anti-monster repellant. When I spray it on me, it negates the smell of monster repellant. I asked Dr. Honeydew nicely if he’d make me some and he did because I was so polite. And now, IT’S CHOW TIME!
NEWSMAN: OH NO! (Carl ends up swallowing the Newsman whole.)
A NERVOUS LEWIS: Uh, um, this is Lewis Kazagger telling you to tune in next time for Day 10 of Battle of the Muppet AAAAAHH! (Carl ends up swallowing Lewis as well. Then Carl lets out a burp releasing two gas clouds that fly out of the booth’s window and down to the judges’ table where Placido and Meryl were still sitting there.)
PLACIDO(sniffing the first cloud): That smells like a sportscaster with a cone shaped nose.
MERYL(sniffing the second cloud): And that smells like a newsman who was tenderized all his life.
* * * * * *
(Back in the booth, Carl waves to the crowd and says, “THANK YOU!” Then he grabs the camera, eats it, and the screen goes into static.)
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