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Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 13, The Final Day
LEWIS: Hello again, sports fans. This is Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And this is your friendly good news Newsman!
LEWIS: And we’re here bringing you the final day of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.
NEWSMAN: The final day?! You mean it’s all over?!
LEWIS: ‘Fraid so!
NEWSMAN(blowing his nose): It can’t be! We were having such a great time here! Can’t it last forever?!
LEWIS: Sorry, Newsie. But you have to accept the fact that great shows like these can’t last forever.
NEWSMAN: But Sesame Street’s been on the air for almost forever! Why couldn’t our old program, The Muppet Show, have that good fortune?!
LEWIS: Hmmm, that’s a good question! I’ll have to do some snooping on that mystery one of these days. Anyway, all 4 of our teams are right now tied in first place. So this last event will decide the big winner of this whole shebang! Just look at that crowd, they’re all totally hyper and excited!
(We see the crowd jumping up and down in their seats screaming their lungs out.)
WALDORF: What’s with today’s generation?! Don’t they know how to be quiet and well behaved?!
STATLER: If you young rowdies don’t sit down and pipe down, I’m gonna take off my belt!
(The crowd continues to scream!)
WALDORF: And then he’ll take off his pants!
(The crowd suddenly sits down in silence with worried faces.)
STATLER: Works every time!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Well, the crowd seems to have calmed down. But I bet the excitement is still in their hearts. I bet the same goes for the people who are watching this sports event on their very own TVs in their very own towns!
* * * * * *
(We see Hooper’s Store where a bunch of Sesame Street Muppets like Baby Bear, Benny Bunny, Humphrey, Ingrid, and Natasha Monster, and some of the familiar Sesame Street neighbors are watching a TV above the counter, cheering for their home team.)
(Then we look in an apartment where we see an old man sitting in a chair, along with his dog Sprocket, and a few unnamed Fraggles were sitting in front of a TV while cheering for the Fraggle team.)
(In Woodland Valley, we see a bunch of animal citizens watching the TV in Jeremiah Tortoise’s General Store cheering for the Big Blue House team.)
(In the swamp, we see a family of frogs sitting in front of a battery powered TV that somehow got abandoned there. They were cheering for Kermit and his Muppet Show team.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: During these past days, we’ve been bringing you updates on the cross country bicycle race. And any minute now, our cyclists will return to this stadium where we’ll be naming the winner of this whole thing! And now to bring you the last update on their progress is our Monster on the Spot, Telly.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly standing next to a lamp post)
TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. Once again, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest report on the bike race. I am just 2 miles away from the stadium, but any minute now, our bikers are supposed to be crossing this intersection. And here they come now! We see Doc Hog in the lead!
DOC HOG: This has been one long, but fun, bike ride! I’ll bet I worked off lots of excess pork fat!
TELLY: And bringing up the rear are Traveling Matt and The Count.
MATT: Just a couple of more miles my faithful two wheeled creature! And I’ll treat you to a feeding bag of oats once all this is over!
COUNT: Ah yes! This has been one wonderful workout! If only it can go on forever! Maybe if I just ride past the stadium and continue pedaling and counting the miles forever! No no! My dear friends would never forgive me if I lost like that! I’ll just concentrate on winning so I can count my one wonderful win!
TELLY: So far, we’ve seen three bikers pass by. But there’s no sign of Beaker. I hope he can catch up.
* * * * * *
(We see Beaker pedaling somewhere in the city all beat up and covered with bandages. Just then, he hears his cell phone ring once again. Beaker sighs and answers it.)
BUNSEN: Hello, Beaker. I just heard that you’re way in last place. But I know just the strategy to help you get back in the lead.
AN ANGRY BEAKER: MEE MEE MEE MEEP!
BUNSEN: Yes, I admit. Some of my strategies sort of failed, but I saved up a surefire strategy for the end! Now if you’ll just….
(A frustrated Beaker turns off his cell phone. Then the phone started to ring again. But this time, Beaker didn’t answer it. Instead, he tossed it in a nearby garbage truck and pedaled off.)
* * * * * *
(Beaker cuts into an alley hoping to find a short cut that’ll bring him into the lead. Just then, he hears a PSSST sound. Beaker stops and sees a green guy with a black hat and white trench coat, like he was some kind of salesman.)
SALESMAN: Hey, bud!
BEAKER: Mee mee?
SALESMAN: SHHHHH!
BEAKER(whispering): Mee mee?
SALESMAN: Right! Say pal, you look kind of hot and thirsty. I think I have something here that’ll wet your whistle and refresh you big time. (He reaches into his coat and pulls out some bottled water.)
BEAKER(panting) Mee, mee, mee, meep?!
SALESMAN: Not just any bottled water, my friend. But tasty foreign water! And I’ll let you have a taste for a fair price.
(Beaker shows the Salesman his pockets showing that he doesn’t have any money with him.)
SALESMAN: Fear not, my broke bud. (Takes out a sheet of paper.) Just sign this IOU and you can pay me later.
(Beaker seemed reluctant, but he was so thirsty that he didn’t care. Beaker signs the paper and The Salesman hands him the bottle. Beaker starts drinking it gratefully.)
SALESMAN: Hope you like it. And like I said, it’s foreign water. All the way from Mexico.
A SHOCKED BEAKER: MEE MEE MO! (Beaker suddenly feels his legs shaking and starts to lean over on his bike. Then he starts to pedal like mad leaving a trail of fire behind.)
A SURPRISED SALESMAN: I bet this stuff will be great for putting out trail fires too! (And he pours some water on the fire putting it out.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Here it comes, sports fans! Our cyclists have entered the stadium and will be crossing the finish line any second. Right now, we see Doc Hog in the lead, but Traveling Matt seems to have taken it, with the Count bringing up the rear, but the Count is now catching up fast. But there is no sign of Beaker though.
NEWSMAN: Wait a minute! What’s that coming into the stadium and leaving a trail of fire behind? Why, it’s Beaker!
(We see Beaker pedaling with all his might passing the other 3 cyclists causing them all to spin around in circles.)
COUNT: Oh joy! I get to count uncontrolled wheelies again! One uncontrolled wheelie, two uncontrolled wheelies….
DOC HOG: Don’t forget to count us too!
COUNT: Right! One uncontrolled wheelie from the hog and one uncontrolled wheelie from the Fraggle and three, or is it more? Oh no, I lost count!
LEWIS: Will you look at that? Beaker is heading for the finish line and he’s crossed it! Beaker wins!
NEWSMAN: Now, he’s pedaling for the mens’ room! It looks like he’s in a hurry to use it for some reason!
LEWIS: And according to the final scores, the other teams are tied for second with 3 points each while the Muppet Show team has 4 points. THE MUPPET SHOW TEAM WINS THE BATTLE OF THE MUPPET ALL-STARS!
(The crowd starts to cheer wildly as well as the Muppet Show team who were dancing in the dugout. Kermit and Robin were hopping for joy, Fozzie threw his hat in the air, Gonzo did a double somersault into the towel bin, while all the other Muppets cheered and went wild.)
FOZZIE: Yay! We did it! Beaker won it for us!
BUNSEN: Is there any doubt? He used my scientific knowledge!
KERMIT: We all did it!
PIGGY: And now I’m going to do it to you! (Piggy tackles Kermit and starts kissing him.)
(A flushing toilet was heard from the mens’ room and Beaker slowly steps out, shaking his legs and panting really hard from exhaustion. He looks up and he sees all his friends running up to him and cheering.)
KERMIT: You did it Beaker! You won it for all of us!
BEAKER: Mee, meep?
BUNSEN: Yes, Beaky! Go on and take a bow, champ!
(Beaker smiled and started bowing, but then found he couldn’t rise back up and his legs started shaking again.)
BEAKER: MEEEEP! (Then he ran back into the bathroom again.)
FOZZIE: What’s up with Beaker.
BUNSEN: Oh, he’s probably so happy, that he can’t contain himself.
(Then we hear the toilet flushing non-stop again.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Yes, sports fans. You saw it all here on live TV. The amazing Beaker, who seemed to be in last place, but then suddenly got a burst of unknown energy and somehow won the cross country bike race and the entire Muppet All-Stars Battle in the end!
NEWSMAN: Yeah, it was like Beaker somehow got recharged by going on a wild trip to like, let’s say, Mexico. I hope he didn’t drink the water if he did.
LEWIS: In just a few minutes, the awards will be given to our teams. But first, a recap of everything that happened these thrill packed days brought to you by Digit.
* * * * * *
(We see Digit next to a big screen with wires attached to it from his chest.)
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. Our Muppet athletes competed hard and did their best, and we got some great champions out of all of this too.
(Digit turns a knob on his head and the scene from the 400 meter run appears on the screen.)
DIGIT: In the 400 meter run, we saw Mokey Fraggle taking the win, thanks to the motivation of a cute little caterpillar. (Digit turns his knob again and another scene is shown.)
DIGIT: In the martial arts tournament, we saw the mysterious Shadow defeat the almost undefeated Miss. Piggy with that old black shadow magic. (Digit turns his knob again.)
DIGIT: In swimming, we saw Bert swim his way to victory, thanks to the inspiration from his cute nephew, Brad. In the pole vault, we saw that famous jumper, Kermit, jumping into the hearts of all of us. In the maze race, we saw Tutter showing good sportsmanship by helping out the trapped Slimey giving him the win. And Slimey also showed the same good sportsmanship by sharing his win with the brave little Tutter. We saw The Great Gonzo showing off a death defying high dive mixed with a light show. In the object throwing tournament, we saw lots of weird stuff thrown like cream pies and mean spirited garbage balls, but Wembley won it by actually throwing himself. The bake off contest was almost ruined thanks to a certain Cookie Monster, but a winner was shown at the end, which was Grandma Flutter’s cheese globe. In golf, Beauregard pulled off a miracle and made all 18 holes in just a minute. And the Fraggles pulled off a wild pulling strategy in the tug of war match. The Amazing Mumford did his most terrifying magic act of all in the scaring people event. And finally, the long and invigorating cross country bike race has come to an end with Beaker winning at lightning speed and giving the Muppet Show team the entire victory. And that’s the whole tournament which all Muppet fans can look back on and I can keep in my memory banks. Back to you, Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Digit, for that exciting recap. And now, what you’ve all been waiting for, the awards ceremony!
NEWSMAN: And here to present the awards is the grand marshal of this entire tournament. A person who is like a son to me, Mr. Brian Henson!
* * * * * *
(All four teams are standing in the stadium as they watch a couple of penguins push in a cart that was covered up with a sheet. Then in steps Brian Henson himself.)
BRIAN: I want to congratulate all you wonderful Muppets for taking part in this great sporting event and for giving it your all! And I bet my father would proud of all of you too!
(We see Kermit, Rowlf, Ernie, and Sweedish Chef shedding tears, even Waldorf too.)
BRIAN: And now what you’re all waiting for, the awards! (Brian pulls off a sheet and we see 4 trophies. They were all loving cups, only 3 of them were silver and smaller and the last one was golden and very large.) For coming in a tie in second place, I award the Sesame Street, Fraggle, and Bear in the Big Blue House teams these silver loving cups.
(The penguins grab the silver cups and presented them to Ernie, Gobo, and Bear.)
BRIAN: And for the Muppet Show team, for coming in first place. I award you this golden loving cup. (Brian takes the cup himself and hands it to Kermit.) Congratulations, team captain Kermit. You’ve trained a great team.
KERMIT: Aw, thanks Brian. But I think this trophy should really go to Beaker. After all, he rode that bicycle for 13 straight days and worked harder than all of us put together. And he did kind of go through a lot of abuse and mayhem throughout that entire ordeal. So Beaker, come over here and claim your award!
BEAKER: Mee meep?
BUNSEN: You heard him, champ. You earned it!
(A flattered Beaker walked over and accepted the award while all his teammates cheered for him.)
FOZZIE: Way to go Beaker!
GONZO: You truly are the prince of pain feeling!
PIGGY: Eh, I really didn’t want another award crowding my award filled house, Beaker can have it.
BUNSEN: Give us a speech, Beaky!
(Beaker cleared his throat and was about to speak, until he felt his legs shake again.)
BEAKER: Mee mee me! (He rushes back to the bathroom while carrying his award.)
BUNSEN: Another bathroom break? I wonder what could be wrong with his bladder.
PEPE: Let’s just hope he doesn’t mistake that cup of his for something else in the bathroom, okay?
* * * * * *
(In the bathroom, we hear a toilet flush, and Beaker steps out of the stall feeling relieved again. Just then, he hears that familiar, PSSST, and there in the bathroom with him was that salesman.)
SALESMAN: Hi again, Bud. Congrats on your win. Now you can concentrate on paying this IOU.
BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, mee, meep?
SALESMAN: Don’t worry, pal. You now have enough to pay for that water. This golden cup should cover it. (Salesman snatches the award away from a shocked Beaker.)
BEAKER: MEE MEEP!
SALESMAN: And here’s your change. (Salesman reaches into his coat and hands Beaker a tiny version of the golden cup, which was the size of a peanut.) Pleasure doing business with ya! (Then the salesman zooms out the door while Beaker sighs and looks at his small cup and places it on his finger and wiggles it around.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: I hope you all had fun watching Battle of the Muppet All-Stars as much as we both had fun casting it.
A GRUMPY NEWSMAN: Speak for yourself! (Newsman looks at all his medical bills.) It turns out I don’t have things-falling-on-me, insurance!
LEWIS: Don’t worry, Newsie. You can sign up for my insurance. The Hardrock Guarantee insurance.
NEWSMAN: Hardrock? Why do they call it that? OH NO! Why did I ask that?! (And sure enough, a two ton boulder flattens the Newsman.)
LEWIS: Don’t worry. You can bill this one on my insurance!
(Newsman crawls out from under the rock like a flattened rug.)
NEWSMAN: Thanks, Lew. You’re a saint!
LEWIS: And now for our closing ceremony, we have the electrifying Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem!
* * * * * *
(A huge float, shaped like a multi-colored bus enters the stadium, then the float explodes and we see the Electric Mayhem on a huge stage. Dr. Teeth was dressed in black leather, Floyd was dressed like a cop, Janice a sailor, Zoot an Indian, Animal a construction worker, and Lips a cowboy. Then they started singing the Village People song, YMCA, while all the Muppet teams were on the field dancing and singing and having a great time.)
* * * * * *
OJO: I sure had a fun time, Bear. Even if we didn’t win!
BEAR: Yes, Ojo. It’s like I always say. It’s not if you win or lose, the point is to just have fun! And Tutter seems to like our silver loving cup a lot. (Bear holds the silver cup and it shows Tutter in it relaxing in a tub of water.)
TUTTER: I’m on top of the world, Grandma Flutter!
* * * * * *
TRAVELING MATT(writing in his notebook): Well, I have learned the silly creatures’ art of competition and all I can say is that maybe I shouldn’t’ve exposed my fellow Fraggles to all of this diseased madness! (Matt then looks up and sees all his fellow Fraggles dancing and singing and having a great time.) Oh, what do I know?! (Matt tears up his notes and joins the Fraggles in their partying.)
* * * * * *
BERT: You know, Ernie. I’m glad we took part in this event. I feel much healthier. I had fun, and my nephew Brad seemed to enjoy it too.
BRAD(on Bert’s shoulders): GAA, GAA, GOO, UNCA BERT!
ERNIE: And it looks like The Count had a lot of fun too. And he still is. (Ernie points over to The Count who was still doing uncontrolled wheelies on the track.)
COUNT: 522 uncontrolled wheelies, 523, 524. Oh, I wish this could go on forever! Even if it might make me lose my stomach forever! 525, 526…..!
* * * * * *
(The Muppet Show team was busy cheering and dancing until Pepe came in with a huge cart.)
PEPE: Hey, guys! They’re finally here, okay?
KEMRIT: What’s here, Pepe?
PEPE: The cereal boxes with all our pictures on them, okay? They just came out!
(Everyone gathers around the cart and they see boxes of Wheaties with the Muppets on the front of each one.)
KERMIT: Hey, here’s mine! (Kermit takes a box and sees a picture of himself winning the pole vault.)
GONZO: And here’s mine! (Gonzo sees himself on a diving board.)
PIGGY(searching through the boxes): Hey, where’s my box?!
PEPE(looking at a box and hiding behind it): Um, I don’t think the company made that one yet, okay? They’re probably still trying to develop your box to be the most dazzling one of all, okay?
PIGGY: No wait, I see it right here! (Piggy pulls the box from right behind Pepe. Piggy’s smile suddenly turns to a frown. An angry frown when she sees that the box didn’t have her face, but her huge pig behind with a curly tail sticking out of her karate pants.)
AN ANGRY PIGGY: WHAT’S THE COTTON PICKIN’ MEANING OF THIS?!
A NERVOUS PEPE: Sorry, Piggy. But you were moving around blowing kisses to everyone, that I couldn’t get a clear shot of you. But hey, I also got a good deal to advertise this picture for another company.
PIGGY: Which one?!
PEPE: GULP, Peter’s Pork Bottom Products. (Pepe quickly runs away.)
PIGGY: RAAARGH! (Piggy starts chasing Pepe around the track.)
BEAN: Hey, why are Miss. Piggy and Pepe racing? We already won.
* * * * * *
(When the Electric Mayhem finished playing, in comes Crazy Harry pushing in some kind of crate. Everyone stays quiet as Crazy Harry laughs wildly while pulling apart the crate revealing a huge black bomb.)
KERMIT: RUN FOR IT! (Everyone on the field rushes out as well as the people in the crowds.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: This is Lewis Kazagger!
NEWSMAN: And this is the Newsman! (Newsman rushes out the door.)
LEWIS: Saying, thank you for watching Battle of the Muppet All-Stars and sorry we can’t stay to say goodbye to you all properly! I WANNA LIVE! (Lewis rushes out the door as well.)
* * * * * *
(The bomb suddenly goes off, but instead of an explosion. The bomb cracks in two and out shoots a rocket. Crazy Harry laughs as he watches the rocket explode into the night sky and the words, THE END, appear.
(The only ones who were there to watch the spectacular light show were, who else? Waldorf and Statler.)
WALDORF: Tell me, Statler. What do you think the Ancient Greeks would think about this sporting event if they were alive today?
STATLER: Oh, they’d probably wish to be put back in their graves again.
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! Thanks for joining us with the heckling, everyone!
THE END
By Cullen Pittman
Day 13, The Final Day
LEWIS: Hello again, sports fans. This is Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And this is your friendly good news Newsman!
LEWIS: And we’re here bringing you the final day of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.
NEWSMAN: The final day?! You mean it’s all over?!
LEWIS: ‘Fraid so!
NEWSMAN(blowing his nose): It can’t be! We were having such a great time here! Can’t it last forever?!
LEWIS: Sorry, Newsie. But you have to accept the fact that great shows like these can’t last forever.
NEWSMAN: But Sesame Street’s been on the air for almost forever! Why couldn’t our old program, The Muppet Show, have that good fortune?!
LEWIS: Hmmm, that’s a good question! I’ll have to do some snooping on that mystery one of these days. Anyway, all 4 of our teams are right now tied in first place. So this last event will decide the big winner of this whole shebang! Just look at that crowd, they’re all totally hyper and excited!
(We see the crowd jumping up and down in their seats screaming their lungs out.)
WALDORF: What’s with today’s generation?! Don’t they know how to be quiet and well behaved?!
STATLER: If you young rowdies don’t sit down and pipe down, I’m gonna take off my belt!
(The crowd continues to scream!)
WALDORF: And then he’ll take off his pants!
(The crowd suddenly sits down in silence with worried faces.)
STATLER: Works every time!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Well, the crowd seems to have calmed down. But I bet the excitement is still in their hearts. I bet the same goes for the people who are watching this sports event on their very own TVs in their very own towns!
* * * * * *
(We see Hooper’s Store where a bunch of Sesame Street Muppets like Baby Bear, Benny Bunny, Humphrey, Ingrid, and Natasha Monster, and some of the familiar Sesame Street neighbors are watching a TV above the counter, cheering for their home team.)
(Then we look in an apartment where we see an old man sitting in a chair, along with his dog Sprocket, and a few unnamed Fraggles were sitting in front of a TV while cheering for the Fraggle team.)
(In Woodland Valley, we see a bunch of animal citizens watching the TV in Jeremiah Tortoise’s General Store cheering for the Big Blue House team.)
(In the swamp, we see a family of frogs sitting in front of a battery powered TV that somehow got abandoned there. They were cheering for Kermit and his Muppet Show team.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: During these past days, we’ve been bringing you updates on the cross country bicycle race. And any minute now, our cyclists will return to this stadium where we’ll be naming the winner of this whole thing! And now to bring you the last update on their progress is our Monster on the Spot, Telly.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly standing next to a lamp post)
TELLY: Thank you, Lewis. Once again, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest report on the bike race. I am just 2 miles away from the stadium, but any minute now, our bikers are supposed to be crossing this intersection. And here they come now! We see Doc Hog in the lead!
DOC HOG: This has been one long, but fun, bike ride! I’ll bet I worked off lots of excess pork fat!
TELLY: And bringing up the rear are Traveling Matt and The Count.
MATT: Just a couple of more miles my faithful two wheeled creature! And I’ll treat you to a feeding bag of oats once all this is over!
COUNT: Ah yes! This has been one wonderful workout! If only it can go on forever! Maybe if I just ride past the stadium and continue pedaling and counting the miles forever! No no! My dear friends would never forgive me if I lost like that! I’ll just concentrate on winning so I can count my one wonderful win!
TELLY: So far, we’ve seen three bikers pass by. But there’s no sign of Beaker. I hope he can catch up.
* * * * * *
(We see Beaker pedaling somewhere in the city all beat up and covered with bandages. Just then, he hears his cell phone ring once again. Beaker sighs and answers it.)
BUNSEN: Hello, Beaker. I just heard that you’re way in last place. But I know just the strategy to help you get back in the lead.
AN ANGRY BEAKER: MEE MEE MEE MEEP!
BUNSEN: Yes, I admit. Some of my strategies sort of failed, but I saved up a surefire strategy for the end! Now if you’ll just….
(A frustrated Beaker turns off his cell phone. Then the phone started to ring again. But this time, Beaker didn’t answer it. Instead, he tossed it in a nearby garbage truck and pedaled off.)
* * * * * *
(Beaker cuts into an alley hoping to find a short cut that’ll bring him into the lead. Just then, he hears a PSSST sound. Beaker stops and sees a green guy with a black hat and white trench coat, like he was some kind of salesman.)
SALESMAN: Hey, bud!
BEAKER: Mee mee?
SALESMAN: SHHHHH!
BEAKER(whispering): Mee mee?
SALESMAN: Right! Say pal, you look kind of hot and thirsty. I think I have something here that’ll wet your whistle and refresh you big time. (He reaches into his coat and pulls out some bottled water.)
BEAKER(panting) Mee, mee, mee, meep?!
SALESMAN: Not just any bottled water, my friend. But tasty foreign water! And I’ll let you have a taste for a fair price.
(Beaker shows the Salesman his pockets showing that he doesn’t have any money with him.)
SALESMAN: Fear not, my broke bud. (Takes out a sheet of paper.) Just sign this IOU and you can pay me later.
(Beaker seemed reluctant, but he was so thirsty that he didn’t care. Beaker signs the paper and The Salesman hands him the bottle. Beaker starts drinking it gratefully.)
SALESMAN: Hope you like it. And like I said, it’s foreign water. All the way from Mexico.
A SHOCKED BEAKER: MEE MEE MO! (Beaker suddenly feels his legs shaking and starts to lean over on his bike. Then he starts to pedal like mad leaving a trail of fire behind.)
A SURPRISED SALESMAN: I bet this stuff will be great for putting out trail fires too! (And he pours some water on the fire putting it out.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Here it comes, sports fans! Our cyclists have entered the stadium and will be crossing the finish line any second. Right now, we see Doc Hog in the lead, but Traveling Matt seems to have taken it, with the Count bringing up the rear, but the Count is now catching up fast. But there is no sign of Beaker though.
NEWSMAN: Wait a minute! What’s that coming into the stadium and leaving a trail of fire behind? Why, it’s Beaker!
(We see Beaker pedaling with all his might passing the other 3 cyclists causing them all to spin around in circles.)
COUNT: Oh joy! I get to count uncontrolled wheelies again! One uncontrolled wheelie, two uncontrolled wheelies….
DOC HOG: Don’t forget to count us too!
COUNT: Right! One uncontrolled wheelie from the hog and one uncontrolled wheelie from the Fraggle and three, or is it more? Oh no, I lost count!
LEWIS: Will you look at that? Beaker is heading for the finish line and he’s crossed it! Beaker wins!
NEWSMAN: Now, he’s pedaling for the mens’ room! It looks like he’s in a hurry to use it for some reason!
LEWIS: And according to the final scores, the other teams are tied for second with 3 points each while the Muppet Show team has 4 points. THE MUPPET SHOW TEAM WINS THE BATTLE OF THE MUPPET ALL-STARS!
(The crowd starts to cheer wildly as well as the Muppet Show team who were dancing in the dugout. Kermit and Robin were hopping for joy, Fozzie threw his hat in the air, Gonzo did a double somersault into the towel bin, while all the other Muppets cheered and went wild.)
FOZZIE: Yay! We did it! Beaker won it for us!
BUNSEN: Is there any doubt? He used my scientific knowledge!
KERMIT: We all did it!
PIGGY: And now I’m going to do it to you! (Piggy tackles Kermit and starts kissing him.)
(A flushing toilet was heard from the mens’ room and Beaker slowly steps out, shaking his legs and panting really hard from exhaustion. He looks up and he sees all his friends running up to him and cheering.)
KERMIT: You did it Beaker! You won it for all of us!
BEAKER: Mee, meep?
BUNSEN: Yes, Beaky! Go on and take a bow, champ!
(Beaker smiled and started bowing, but then found he couldn’t rise back up and his legs started shaking again.)
BEAKER: MEEEEP! (Then he ran back into the bathroom again.)
FOZZIE: What’s up with Beaker.
BUNSEN: Oh, he’s probably so happy, that he can’t contain himself.
(Then we hear the toilet flushing non-stop again.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Yes, sports fans. You saw it all here on live TV. The amazing Beaker, who seemed to be in last place, but then suddenly got a burst of unknown energy and somehow won the cross country bike race and the entire Muppet All-Stars Battle in the end!
NEWSMAN: Yeah, it was like Beaker somehow got recharged by going on a wild trip to like, let’s say, Mexico. I hope he didn’t drink the water if he did.
LEWIS: In just a few minutes, the awards will be given to our teams. But first, a recap of everything that happened these thrill packed days brought to you by Digit.
* * * * * *
(We see Digit next to a big screen with wires attached to it from his chest.)
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. Our Muppet athletes competed hard and did their best, and we got some great champions out of all of this too.
(Digit turns a knob on his head and the scene from the 400 meter run appears on the screen.)
DIGIT: In the 400 meter run, we saw Mokey Fraggle taking the win, thanks to the motivation of a cute little caterpillar. (Digit turns his knob again and another scene is shown.)
DIGIT: In the martial arts tournament, we saw the mysterious Shadow defeat the almost undefeated Miss. Piggy with that old black shadow magic. (Digit turns his knob again.)
DIGIT: In swimming, we saw Bert swim his way to victory, thanks to the inspiration from his cute nephew, Brad. In the pole vault, we saw that famous jumper, Kermit, jumping into the hearts of all of us. In the maze race, we saw Tutter showing good sportsmanship by helping out the trapped Slimey giving him the win. And Slimey also showed the same good sportsmanship by sharing his win with the brave little Tutter. We saw The Great Gonzo showing off a death defying high dive mixed with a light show. In the object throwing tournament, we saw lots of weird stuff thrown like cream pies and mean spirited garbage balls, but Wembley won it by actually throwing himself. The bake off contest was almost ruined thanks to a certain Cookie Monster, but a winner was shown at the end, which was Grandma Flutter’s cheese globe. In golf, Beauregard pulled off a miracle and made all 18 holes in just a minute. And the Fraggles pulled off a wild pulling strategy in the tug of war match. The Amazing Mumford did his most terrifying magic act of all in the scaring people event. And finally, the long and invigorating cross country bike race has come to an end with Beaker winning at lightning speed and giving the Muppet Show team the entire victory. And that’s the whole tournament which all Muppet fans can look back on and I can keep in my memory banks. Back to you, Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Digit, for that exciting recap. And now, what you’ve all been waiting for, the awards ceremony!
NEWSMAN: And here to present the awards is the grand marshal of this entire tournament. A person who is like a son to me, Mr. Brian Henson!
* * * * * *
(All four teams are standing in the stadium as they watch a couple of penguins push in a cart that was covered up with a sheet. Then in steps Brian Henson himself.)
BRIAN: I want to congratulate all you wonderful Muppets for taking part in this great sporting event and for giving it your all! And I bet my father would proud of all of you too!
(We see Kermit, Rowlf, Ernie, and Sweedish Chef shedding tears, even Waldorf too.)
BRIAN: And now what you’re all waiting for, the awards! (Brian pulls off a sheet and we see 4 trophies. They were all loving cups, only 3 of them were silver and smaller and the last one was golden and very large.) For coming in a tie in second place, I award the Sesame Street, Fraggle, and Bear in the Big Blue House teams these silver loving cups.
(The penguins grab the silver cups and presented them to Ernie, Gobo, and Bear.)
BRIAN: And for the Muppet Show team, for coming in first place. I award you this golden loving cup. (Brian takes the cup himself and hands it to Kermit.) Congratulations, team captain Kermit. You’ve trained a great team.
KERMIT: Aw, thanks Brian. But I think this trophy should really go to Beaker. After all, he rode that bicycle for 13 straight days and worked harder than all of us put together. And he did kind of go through a lot of abuse and mayhem throughout that entire ordeal. So Beaker, come over here and claim your award!
BEAKER: Mee meep?
BUNSEN: You heard him, champ. You earned it!
(A flattered Beaker walked over and accepted the award while all his teammates cheered for him.)
FOZZIE: Way to go Beaker!
GONZO: You truly are the prince of pain feeling!
PIGGY: Eh, I really didn’t want another award crowding my award filled house, Beaker can have it.
BUNSEN: Give us a speech, Beaky!
(Beaker cleared his throat and was about to speak, until he felt his legs shake again.)
BEAKER: Mee mee me! (He rushes back to the bathroom while carrying his award.)
BUNSEN: Another bathroom break? I wonder what could be wrong with his bladder.
PEPE: Let’s just hope he doesn’t mistake that cup of his for something else in the bathroom, okay?
* * * * * *
(In the bathroom, we hear a toilet flush, and Beaker steps out of the stall feeling relieved again. Just then, he hears that familiar, PSSST, and there in the bathroom with him was that salesman.)
SALESMAN: Hi again, Bud. Congrats on your win. Now you can concentrate on paying this IOU.
BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, mee, meep?
SALESMAN: Don’t worry, pal. You now have enough to pay for that water. This golden cup should cover it. (Salesman snatches the award away from a shocked Beaker.)
BEAKER: MEE MEEP!
SALESMAN: And here’s your change. (Salesman reaches into his coat and hands Beaker a tiny version of the golden cup, which was the size of a peanut.) Pleasure doing business with ya! (Then the salesman zooms out the door while Beaker sighs and looks at his small cup and places it on his finger and wiggles it around.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: I hope you all had fun watching Battle of the Muppet All-Stars as much as we both had fun casting it.
A GRUMPY NEWSMAN: Speak for yourself! (Newsman looks at all his medical bills.) It turns out I don’t have things-falling-on-me, insurance!
LEWIS: Don’t worry, Newsie. You can sign up for my insurance. The Hardrock Guarantee insurance.
NEWSMAN: Hardrock? Why do they call it that? OH NO! Why did I ask that?! (And sure enough, a two ton boulder flattens the Newsman.)
LEWIS: Don’t worry. You can bill this one on my insurance!
(Newsman crawls out from under the rock like a flattened rug.)
NEWSMAN: Thanks, Lew. You’re a saint!
LEWIS: And now for our closing ceremony, we have the electrifying Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem!
* * * * * *
(A huge float, shaped like a multi-colored bus enters the stadium, then the float explodes and we see the Electric Mayhem on a huge stage. Dr. Teeth was dressed in black leather, Floyd was dressed like a cop, Janice a sailor, Zoot an Indian, Animal a construction worker, and Lips a cowboy. Then they started singing the Village People song, YMCA, while all the Muppet teams were on the field dancing and singing and having a great time.)
* * * * * *
OJO: I sure had a fun time, Bear. Even if we didn’t win!
BEAR: Yes, Ojo. It’s like I always say. It’s not if you win or lose, the point is to just have fun! And Tutter seems to like our silver loving cup a lot. (Bear holds the silver cup and it shows Tutter in it relaxing in a tub of water.)
TUTTER: I’m on top of the world, Grandma Flutter!
* * * * * *
TRAVELING MATT(writing in his notebook): Well, I have learned the silly creatures’ art of competition and all I can say is that maybe I shouldn’t’ve exposed my fellow Fraggles to all of this diseased madness! (Matt then looks up and sees all his fellow Fraggles dancing and singing and having a great time.) Oh, what do I know?! (Matt tears up his notes and joins the Fraggles in their partying.)
* * * * * *
BERT: You know, Ernie. I’m glad we took part in this event. I feel much healthier. I had fun, and my nephew Brad seemed to enjoy it too.
BRAD(on Bert’s shoulders): GAA, GAA, GOO, UNCA BERT!
ERNIE: And it looks like The Count had a lot of fun too. And he still is. (Ernie points over to The Count who was still doing uncontrolled wheelies on the track.)
COUNT: 522 uncontrolled wheelies, 523, 524. Oh, I wish this could go on forever! Even if it might make me lose my stomach forever! 525, 526…..!
* * * * * *
(The Muppet Show team was busy cheering and dancing until Pepe came in with a huge cart.)
PEPE: Hey, guys! They’re finally here, okay?
KEMRIT: What’s here, Pepe?
PEPE: The cereal boxes with all our pictures on them, okay? They just came out!
(Everyone gathers around the cart and they see boxes of Wheaties with the Muppets on the front of each one.)
KERMIT: Hey, here’s mine! (Kermit takes a box and sees a picture of himself winning the pole vault.)
GONZO: And here’s mine! (Gonzo sees himself on a diving board.)
PIGGY(searching through the boxes): Hey, where’s my box?!
PEPE(looking at a box and hiding behind it): Um, I don’t think the company made that one yet, okay? They’re probably still trying to develop your box to be the most dazzling one of all, okay?
PIGGY: No wait, I see it right here! (Piggy pulls the box from right behind Pepe. Piggy’s smile suddenly turns to a frown. An angry frown when she sees that the box didn’t have her face, but her huge pig behind with a curly tail sticking out of her karate pants.)
AN ANGRY PIGGY: WHAT’S THE COTTON PICKIN’ MEANING OF THIS?!
A NERVOUS PEPE: Sorry, Piggy. But you were moving around blowing kisses to everyone, that I couldn’t get a clear shot of you. But hey, I also got a good deal to advertise this picture for another company.
PIGGY: Which one?!
PEPE: GULP, Peter’s Pork Bottom Products. (Pepe quickly runs away.)
PIGGY: RAAARGH! (Piggy starts chasing Pepe around the track.)
BEAN: Hey, why are Miss. Piggy and Pepe racing? We already won.
* * * * * *
(When the Electric Mayhem finished playing, in comes Crazy Harry pushing in some kind of crate. Everyone stays quiet as Crazy Harry laughs wildly while pulling apart the crate revealing a huge black bomb.)
KERMIT: RUN FOR IT! (Everyone on the field rushes out as well as the people in the crowds.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: This is Lewis Kazagger!
NEWSMAN: And this is the Newsman! (Newsman rushes out the door.)
LEWIS: Saying, thank you for watching Battle of the Muppet All-Stars and sorry we can’t stay to say goodbye to you all properly! I WANNA LIVE! (Lewis rushes out the door as well.)
* * * * * *
(The bomb suddenly goes off, but instead of an explosion. The bomb cracks in two and out shoots a rocket. Crazy Harry laughs as he watches the rocket explode into the night sky and the words, THE END, appear.
(The only ones who were there to watch the spectacular light show were, who else? Waldorf and Statler.)
WALDORF: Tell me, Statler. What do you think the Ancient Greeks would think about this sporting event if they were alive today?
STATLER: Oh, they’d probably wish to be put back in their graves again.
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! Thanks for joining us with the heckling, everyone!
THE END
