Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

[MuppetDude]

Xerus, I'll be e-mailing you a possible idea for a chapter!

 

[Xerus]

Good Xerus... Looking forward to the next day/event.
To answer your question... BITBBH = Bear In The Big Blue House.

Oh yeah. Those letters do lead to that title. Thank you. And I don't think I've seen that BITBBH episode you talked about yet.

 

[The Count]

Noworries... You're doing vonderful so far.
Look forward to Day 10.

 

[Xerus]

Battle of the Muppet All-Stars

By Cullen Pittman

Day 10

LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 10 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. Once again, I am Lewis Kazagger.

NEWSMAN(brushing his coat clean with a small brush): And I’m The Newsman, who just came back from an interesting adventure he’d love to forget.

LEWIS: You mean getting eaten and digested by a giant monster named Carl?

NEWSMAN: I was hoping I’d forget that name. And don’t forget, he ate you too!

AN IRKED LEWIS: You had to remind me, didn’t you?

NEWSMAN: We were both lucky Carl eats lots of fiber! And unlucky too!

LEWIS: Well, maybe this next scene will stop all that terrible human eating. Here with a public service announcement is that American eagle, Sam.

* * * * * *

(We see Sam Eagle standing at a podium while a crowd looks at him.)

SAM: Ahem! My fellow Americans, as we are holding this sporting tournament, I would like to bring up a problem that cannot be ignored. It’s something that has made our once fine country a laughing stock of the world. It’s the constant obesity of America!

(Sam clicks on a remote and a TV screen comes down. We see a bunch of overweight Muppets walking around, lots of huge monsters eating all sorts of unhealthy food and stuff that isn’t food like radios, stop signs, cars, and citizens.)

SAM: Just look at all these overweight Americans! Are they not disgusting?!

(Then on the screen, it shows Miss. Piggy lying on her bed, surrounded by boxes of chocolates. She sits up and it shows her with a chocolate mouth.)

PIGGY: You’re dead meat, Baldy! Both the dark and white kinds! (A twitching Sam quickly turns off the TV.)

SAM: So you see, we must put a stop to obesity and stop disgracing America! We should do sensible things like taking vending machines out of schools and offices, make cafeteria ladies serve only salads, close down fast food restaurants forever, and remove video games and TVs from children’s rooms and replace them all with aerobic equipment! That way we’ll have a much more slimmer and disciplined America and maybe Jay Leno will cease his constant America’s Too Fat jokes on his show! That is getting old.

(Some of the Muppets in the crowd were frowning at Sam’s speech while others were holding onto their candy bars and soda cans.)

SAM: And we’re in luck, for I have invited the President himself to come here and he has come up with a solution. Now, may I President you the present. No wait, I mean present you the President. Whew! Almost blew it there.

(Sam steps back and in steps a really obese Muppet with a blue head, gray hair, and is wearing a black suit and tie with a white shirt that looked like the buttons were going to bust any minute.)

A SURPRISED SAM: Our great leader seems to have gained some weight. Maybe being on TV just makes him look slimmer.

PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans. I do have a solution for all of you that will make you feel a lot better.

A PROUD SAM: Yes, Mr. President. Work your magic.

(The President takes out a pastry from his coat pocket.)

PRESIDENT: My solution is for all of you to enjoy delicious Yummycake treats. Especially our new flavor, triple chocolate and quadruple sugar! Here’re some free samples! (The President grabs more treats from his pocket and starts throwing them to the cheering crowd.)

A SHOCKED SAM: What, what the…! What is going on here?!

A GUY EATING A CUPCAKE: Hey, the President’s on the junk lovers’ side!

A GUY EATING AN ÉCLAIR: Yeah, if the Pres says it’s okay. Then this is okay!

(The crowd starts enjoying their pastry treats as the President hurls more goodies at them. An angry Sam rushes back to the podium.)

SAM: Mr. President! What do you think you’re doing?! You’re here to talk about fitness and reducing obesity! This behavior is no way for the President of the United States to act!

PRESIDENT: United States? You got the wrong guy, pal. I’m the President of the Yummycake Corporation.

(Sam stands there speechless and then checks his address book.)

SAM: I don’t believe it! I must’ve written the wrong address on the message! What have I done?!

PRESIDENT: You’ve given Yummycake products a wonderful advertisement, and I thank you for it.

SAM: Stop tape right now! Get that camera off those gorging citizens! Oh, Presidents of the past, please forgive me!

PRESIDENT: You seemed too stressed my feathered friend. Have a fudge cake on me! (And he stuffed the round cake into Sam’s beak. Sam looks at the camera with a grumpy look and a melted chocolate cake in his beak. Then he waves his wings at the camera and covers it with chocolate coating.)

* * * * * *

NEWSMAN: Wow, I think that public service announcement went pretty well. (And he starts eating a fruit pie.)

LEWIS(eating a Twinkie): I’ll say! Now let’s go onto today’s event. Reporting live from a nearby golf course are Guy Smiley and Clifford.

* * * * * *

GOLF

* * * * * *

(We see Guy Smiley and Clifford sitting in front of an announcer’s box out in an open field.)

CLIFFORD: Yo, yo, yo! What’s up, what’s up? This is Clifford.

GUY(in a loud voice): AND THIS IS GUY SMILEY AND WE WILL BOTH BE BRINGING YOU THE EXCITING WORLD OF MUPPET GOLF! OH, THE SUN IS NICE AND WARM TODAY, BUT THE TENSIONS WILL BE HOT FOR OUR GOLFERS WHO WILL BE STRETCHING THEIR STRENGTHS ON THE GOLF COURSE!

CLIFFORD: Hey, Guy! Turn down the volume! Didn’t anyone teach you how to be a golf announcer?

GUY: NOT REALLY! AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG?!

CLIFFORD: I’ll say! You’re talking too loud! When announcing golf, you’re supposed to whisper so it won’t disturb the other golfers.

GUY: OH, YOU MEAN TALKING REAL LOUD LIKE THIS! PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING THAT TO ME! I DON’T KNOW WHY THOUGH! I’M WHISPERING RIGHT NOW! BUT THEY SAY WHEN I TALK IN MY LOUDEST VOICE, IT SOUNDS LIKE A SONIC BOOM! I SAY THAT’S RIDICULOUS! HERE’S HOW MY REALLY LOUD VOICE SOUNDS LIKE…..

CLIFFORD(grabbing a nearby pastry): Here Guy, have a Yummycake on me! I insist! (Clifford stuffs the cake in Guy’s huge mouth silencing him.)

CLIFFORD: As for the golf tournament, our golfers have already started at dawn and I have to say that some of our golfers aren’t making really hot progress. For example, here’s a taped scene from when Beauregard from the Muppet Show team was at the very first tee.

(We see Beauregard heading for the first tee while his caddy, Rowlf, was carrying a huge golf bag.)

BEAU: There it is, Rowlf. The very first ball, Oh I can’t wait to have so much fun!

ROWLF: Which club would you like first, Beau?

BEAU: Club, let’s see. How about a ham and pastrami on rye with a cute little olive on top?

ROWLF: No, not that kind of club, the other kind.

BEAU: Oh, silly me. What was I thinking? Hmmm, how about a membership to the Boy’s Club, no, maybe the 4H Club? Wait a minute, how about the Lion’s Club? No, wait. I don’t want to get eaten by hungry lions!

A SIGHING ROWLF: No, I mean which one of the things do you want me to drag out of your bag so you can start the game?!

BEAU: Oh, that. Why didn’t you say so? Let’s see, I’ll take a number 5, please.

(Rowlf reaches for the handle that says No. 5, and becomes surprised at what he drags out.)

ROWLF: Hey, this is a mop!

BEAU: Yep, those gray strings on top puts it in the mop category. It’s my specialty number 5 mop.

(Rowlf then looks through the bag and pulls out mops, brooms, vacuums, spray bottles, and all sorts of janitorial equipment.)

ROWLF: Wait a minute! Beau, this isn’t your golf bag, this is your janitor’s bag!

BEAU: Yes, I know.

A CONFUSED ROWLF: But you’re supposed to be playing golf today, not cleaning the Muppet Theater!

BEAU: You don’t understand my needs, Rowlf. I don’t go anywhere without my cleaning equipment! I had my cleaning tools ever since kindergarten. I cleaned everything everywhere I went. In fact, the principal was so impressed about the way I cleaned up the school that he promoted me from a student to a janitor! These things sure saved me from taking a lot of confusing tests in school.

ROWLF: But where’s your golf bag?

BEAU: Both bags wouldn’t fit in the golf cart, so I had to leave one of them behind. And you can see the wise choice I decided to take.

ROWLF: But you can’t play golf with cleaning equipment!

BEAU: Sure I can. Just watch how I use this mop to hit the ball. (Beau takes the mop from Rowlf and puts it against the ball. “FORE!” shouts Beau as he strikes the ball.)

BEAU: Just look how far I hit that ball! I can hardly see it!

ROWLF: Beau, you didn’t hit it. The ball’s tangled in your sticky mop. (Rowlf points to the ball stuck on the mop that Beau’s holding over his shoulder.)

BEAU: Please, Rowlf. Don’t interrupt the golfer who’s made a great swing! Now we’ll just have to wait to see where it lands.

* * * * * *

CLIFFORD: That’s right, folks. Poor Beau has been standing in that spot for hours and his caddy still hasn’t gotten through to him!

GUY(finishing his cake): JUST WHAT IS IT WITH GOLFERS WHO THINK THEY CAN PLAY GOLF WITHOUT CLUBS?! WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND, BOB BARKER, PLAYED THAT GOLF GAME ON HIS SHOW, HE ALWAYS USED A FINE IRON CLUB! NOT A MOP, NOT A BROOM, NOT A SHOVEL, NOT A RULER, NOT A SAUSAGE, NOT AN OSTRITCH’S NECK, NOT A….

CLIFFORD(taking out some candy): Hey, Guy. How about chewing on some peanut butter and caramel candy? They’re lip sealing good.

GUY: THANK’S, CLIFFORD(Guy takes the candy and starts chewing it) YOU KNOW, CLIFFORD. IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, I’D SAY YOU’RE TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM TALK…MMGGMMLF!

CLIFFORD: Well, any-HEW, The Muppet Show team isn’t the only one who isn’t doing so hot in this tournament. It looks like the Sesame team is pretty far behind too. They haven’t reached the second hole, yet. Let’s look at the Sesame team’s golfer, Mr. Snuffle-Upagus and his caddy, Big Bird.

* * * * * *

(We see Snuffy slowly walking to the ball while Big Bird, carrying a huge golf bag, was following him.)

SNUFFY: There it is, Bird. The ball is right there in the open green. Are you ready to watch my next shot?

A TIRED BIG BIRD(putting down the heavy bag with a loud thud): Yeah, Snuffy. But tell me, are you sure you really had some golfing experience?

SNUFFY: But of course, Bird. My mommy signed me up for some golfing lessons last Tuesday, and my teacher said I’ve become a pro. Please, hand me my number 3 club.

(Big Bird pulls out a giant club almost losing his balance and Snuffy takes it with his Snuffle nose.)

SNUFFY: Just one gentle tap and watch the ball roll.

BIG BIRD: Uh, Snuffy. All you’ve been doing since this game started is tapping the ball and watching it roll.

SNUFFY: Yes, Bird. I just love watching that ball take its time and watching its peaceful rolls. Just like the ones at Miniature Golf World.

BIG BIRD: But this isn’t really miniature golf. This is a wide open golf course. You’re actually supposed to hit the ball as hard as you can until it flies to the furthest hole. That way it’ll be a lot quicker.

SNUFFY: Really, Bird?

BIG BIRD: Yeah, I mean, we’ve been on this field for over 3 hours and we haven’t even reached the 2nd hole yet.

SNUFFY: Hmmm, I’ve never hit the ball so hard before. Okay, I’ll give it a shot. (Snuffy twists his Snuffle and strikes the ball causing it to fly in the air.)

SNUFFY: Wow, Bird! Look how hard I hit it. It’s going up and up and up…..

BIG BIRD: Yes, Snuffy. You’ve sent that ball flying. But I don’t think golfers were meant for their balls to go way into outer space!

(We see the ball orbit the Earth while two Martians were floating around making questionable, “Yip, yip, yips?”)

SNUFFY: Oh dear! Should we break out another ball?

BIG BIRD: I don’t think we need to, because our first ball is coming back. (Big Bird and Snuffy see the ball zooming back down.)

BIG BIRD: I’ll catch it! (Big Bird spreads out his wings to catch it, but the ball ends up bopping Big Bird on the head causing him to fall down.)

SNUFFY(lifting up Bird with his Snuffle): Bird, are you all right? (Big Bird opens his eyes and sees little humans flying around him.)

A DAZED BIG BIRD: Congratulations, Snuffy. You just hit a birdie! (And he faints again.)

* * * * * *

CLIFFORD: Ooch! Let this be a lesson to you caddies out there. If you’re gonna caddy for a Snuffle-Upagus, switch to a much safer career, fast! How are you doing, Guy?

(Guy tries to talk, but the peanut butter caramel candy he just ate had still sealed his mouth shut.)

CLIFFORD: I’m glad you’re fine! And now let’s see how the golfer for the Fraggle team is doing. Here’s The World’s Oldest Fraggle over at the 10th hole.

* * * * * *

(We see a really old Fraggle with a long white beard and his caddy, Henchy the Hench-Fraggle, heading over to the 10th hole where they see a ball just inches away from it.)

W.O.F.: There it is, Henchy. Our ball is just inches away from the hole.

HENCHY(studying the ball): Actually, it looks like it’s only one and a half inch.

W.O.F.: Nobody likes a know it all! (And he bonks Henchy on the nose with his staff.) Now hand me my putter, will you?

HENCHY(rubbing his nose): Right away you’re Hole-in-One-ness! (He takes out a small putter and hands it to the World’s Oldest Fraggle. The Old Fraggle was about to make his putt, until Henchy notices his face.

HENCHY: Excuse me, sir.

W.O.F.: What is it, Henchy? Can’t you see I’m busy here?

HENCHY: Forgive me, sir. But I noticed you’re not wearing your glasses.

W.O.F.: Of course I’m not. I took them off after I finished the 9th hole back there.

HENCHY: But why, sir?

W.O.F.: Because I saw some pretty lady golfers around this part of the field. I don’t want them seeing me with glasses and have them thinking I’m an old Fraggle!

HENCHY: But you are an old Fraggle, your wrinkled-ness. Isn’t that why you’re called The World’s Oldest Fraggle?

W.O.F: How dare you insult me you young upstart! (He bonks Henchy on the nose again.) Now pipe down and let me concentrate on my putt. (World’s Oldest Fraggle looks at the hole, but his blurry vision ends up seeing two holes in his view.)

W.O.F.: Two holes?! Hmm, which one should I choose? I know, always choose the one that’s right! The right hole!

HENCHY: No, sir! Not that one, that’s….

W.O.F.: Quiet, Henchy. Learn to trust your elders! (World’s Oldest Fraggle putts the ball and it falls into the blurry hole making a plopping sound.) Plop?! Did someone fill the 10th hole with water?

HENCHY: No, your vision impaired-ness. You just hit your ball into a nearby pond.

W.O.F.: What the….? (The old Fraggle puts back on his glasses and sees the pond and gets mad.) Why didn’t you warn me?!

HENCHY: You told me to be quiet. Maybe now, you should learn to listen to me.

W.O.F.: Dear, loyal, Henchy. Please put your chin down on the ground. (Henchy complies and puts his chin down on the ground. The old Fraggle places a ball on Henchy’s nose.)

HENCHY: Uh, sir. May I please ask what are you doing?

W.O.F.(in a grumpy voice): You’ve just been promoted from a caddy to a golf tee. Now hold still if you value your nose. FORE!! (The old Fraggle was about to strike the ball on poor Henchy’s nosel. But then, the old Fraggle’s club got caught in his beard and he ended up turning himself over and falling on his bottom.)

HENCHY: Are you all right, your injured-ness?

W.O.F.(With his beard covering his entire face): I’ll let you know once I shave for the first time in years!

* * * * * *

CLIFFORD: Oh man! Let that be another lesson! If you’re a golfer with a beard, make sure it’s not too long that it touches the ground. Now let’s look at how the Big Blue House Team is doing.

GUY: OH BOY, THIS IS ONE EXCITING GOLF TOURNAMENT! LOT’S OF MUPPET SHOW MAYHEM, SESAME STREET SILLINESS, AND FRAGGLE FANATICS! NOW WE’LL BE WITNESSING SOME BOMBASTIC BIG BLUE HOUSE HIJINKINS IF WE’LL PLAY OUR CARDS RIGHT!

AN ANNOYED CLIFFORD: Hey, I thought that candy I gave you sealed up your mouth!

GUY: NOPE, I USE GUY SMILEY’S PATENTED MEGA WHITE TOOTHPASTE THIS MORNING. IT’S SO STRONG AND MIGHTY, IT CAN DISSOLVE PLAQUE AND SWEETS THE MINUTE IT TOUCHES MY TEETH. NOW I CAN TALK AGAIN AND SPORTS FANS CAN HEAR MY LOVELY VOICE! ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL?!

CLIFFORD(taking out his cell-phone): This is the last straw! Bring out Plan C!

(Two anything Muppets push out a huge booth right behind Guy and Clifford. Guy turns his head and looks surprised.)

GUY: WHY IS THAT AN ACTUAL ISOLATION BOOTH?! I HAVEN’T SEEN ONE OF THESE THINGS SINCE MY GAME SHOW DAYS!

CLIFFORD: Yep, I got it cheap from an eBay auction. Go on and try it out. (Guy steps into the booth amazed.)

GUY: YES, THIS IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE GAME SHOW ISOLATION BOOTHS THAT SHUTS OUT SOUND FROM THE INSIDE AND THE OUTSIDE AS WELL! I REMEMBER THE TIME…..

(Clifford quickly slams the booth’s door and watches Guy moving his mouth around in silence, not realizing no one could hear him. Then Clifford locks the booth.)

CLIFFORD: Aw, sweet silence! Now back to the tournament! Playing for the Big Blue House team is that sweet little bear cub, Ojo. So far, she’s doing the best job of all the other athletes. Right now, we’ll look at Ojo and her caddy, Treelo, who are now reaching the 14th hole.

* * * * * *

OJO: Look, Treelo. The ball is just inches away from the hole. Hand me my putter please.

TREELO: Wooga wag weega woo! (Treelo starts pointing to the left.)

OJO: What is it, Treelo? (She turns her head and sees some bikers riding by.)

OJO: Hey, it’s the cyclists from the cross country race. And there’s our friend, Doc Hog. Let’s cheer him on! (Both Ojo and Treelo jump up and down and cheer for Doc Hog. He stops his pedaling and turns around.)

DOC HOG: Why thank you, kiddies! I appreciate your cheers! Now let me help you! (Doc Hog gets off his bike and heads over to Ojo and Treelo.)

OJO: Doc Hog, what are you doing? Why aren’t you racing?

DOC HOG: Don’t fret, little Ojo. I’ll get back on the saddle once I show you some good golf moves.

OJO: But Dog Hog….

DOC HOG: Trust me, sweetie. We doctors are famous for being great golfers when we’re not on duty. It’s been that way since the first doctor king pulled the magic golf club from the magic golf bag 1000 years ago.

OJO: Magic golf club?

TREELO: Wagga wooga golf bag?

DOC HOG: Now please give me a little quiet and I’ll win you this event. (Doc Hog takes Ojo’s club and places it near the ball.)

OJO: But, Doc Hog…. (Before Ojo could tell him, Doc Hog swings the club, hitting the ball out of sight.)

TREELO: Walla weela, oh wow!

DOC HOG: See what I mean? We doctors rule the golf course!

OJO: But I was supposed to putt the ball into the 14th hole. You just knocked it far in the wrong direction. Now we’ll have to go back and start all over again!

DOC HOG(turning bright red): I did that? Oh my. Oh dear. Uh, oh look! Why am I standing around here for?! I got a bicycle race to win! Good luck, kids! (Doc Hog gallops over to his bike and pedals off like lightning, leaving a shocked Ojo and Treelo.)

TREELO: Yaaga, wagga, quack!

OJO: I agree, Treelo. We definitely need to find a new doctor to visit!

* * * * * *

(We see Waldorf and Statler sitting in a golf cart watching everything.)

WALDORF: You call this madness golfing?

STATLER: I call it more like GOOFING!

W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!

* * * * * *

CLIFFORD: Man, this golf match is way too warped! With the way things are going, it might be 1800 years before somebody reaches the 18th hole! Let’s look back on Beauregard who still hasn’t made it to the first hole yet.

* * * * * *

(We see a golf ball land and Beau running up to it holding a straw broom. He shouts, “FORE!” and whacks the ball with his broom sending it flying into the air. Then Rowlf catches up carrying Beau’s bag.)

ROWLF: Wow, I’m impressed. That broom of yours sure seems to do the trick when golfing.

BEAU: Thanks, Rowlf. It’s also great at whacking away dust bunnies.

(We see two Muppet bunnies covered with dust both saying, “I’LL SAY!” and they start to rub their sore bottoms.)

(Beau and Rowlf watch where the ball lands and it falls into a sand trap.)

ROWLF: Oh, great! A sand trap! It’ll take forever to whack that ball out of there. I hope that broom of yours is good at taking out sand bunnies.

BEAU: Don’t be silly. Sand bunnies are only a myth, not like dust bunnies that I wish were only a myth. Anyway, I can’t use a broom for this situation. I’ll need some heavy duty equipment. (Beau searches through the bag.)

ROWLF: Let me guess. You’re going to use a vacuum cleaner to get rid of all the sand till only the ball’s left, right?

BEAU: Nope, I’m using this baby. (Beau takes out a small dustbuster.)

ROWLF: But that’s such a dinky little dustbuster. It won’t be able to suck up all that sand.

BEAU: This is no ordinary dustbuster. This is Dr. Honeydew’s Dust Master 9000! The future of all dustbusters! Watch! (Beau clicks on the dustbuster and it starts to suck up some of the sand and then some more sand and then some more and more sand until there was no sand left, just a huge empty pit.)

AN AMAZED ROWLF: Well I’ll be a French poodle’s uncle! How’s all that sand able to fit inside that thing?!

BEAU: Oh, it’s built with a black hole. Black holes can suck up millions of things and never get full.

A CONFUSED ROWLF: Black holes?! Wait a minute! How can someone get possession of a black hole? They’re way out in outer space!

BEAU: That’s easy. Dr. Honeydew pays astronauts to collect black holes for his little dustbusters. They can easily be caught by sneaking up behind them and snagging them in butterfly nets. (Rowlf shakes off the confusion and notices something.)

ROWLF: Hey, where’s the ball? Don’t tell me it got sucked into that thing along with all the sand?! Now we’ll never get it out!

BEAU: Don’t worry, Rowlf. There’s a reverse switch on the Dust Master. I’ll just activate it and… (Beau turns on the reverse switch and the ball shoots out of it like a B.B. gun. Beau and Rowlf watch as the ball zooms into the air and lands in the very first hole.)

ROWLF: Hey, we finally made our first hole! (But then the ball suddenly bounces out of the hole and flies all the way into the second hole.)

BEAU(checking his binoculars): And it looks like we’ve made our second too, and it looks like our third and fourth and fifth….

A SURPRISED ROWLF: You mean the ball’s going into all the holes all by itself?! How’s that happening?! (Beau starts reading the warning label on the back of his dustbuster.)

BEAU: Warning, if an object, mainly a ball, gets sucked into the black hole of the Dust Master 9000 and gets ejected by hitting reverse. The object will have this need to get pulled into any nearby hole it can find!

A BEWILDERED ROWLF: I knew I should’ve gone to obedience school instead of caddy school!

* * * * * *

CLIFFORD: You won’t believe this! Somehow, Beau’s ball seems to be bouncing into every hole it can find! And now it’s heading for the sixth hole, and now it’s bouncing out of the sixth hole and going into the seventh, and now the eighth! That Beauregard must be a pro-golfer to pull a stunt like this! Now it’s going into the 15th, the 16th, and the 17th hole! It looks like the ball has finally made a stop, just inches away from the 18th hole! Man, Beau’s just inches away from a win!

* * * * * *

(Beau and Rowlf drive up in their golf cart to the ball just inches away from the final hole.)

BEAU: Aw, the ball almost made it! I guess the black hole effect wore off too soon.

ROWLF: Yeah, it would’ve been a freak record if the ball bounced into all 18 holes.

BEAU: Well at least I know how to end all of this. (Beau reaches into the bag and pulls out a squirt bottle filled with soapy water.)

BEAU: I always think balls should go into the winning hole all nice and clean. (Beau squirts at the ball washing off all the dirt and grass stains and pushing it into the 18th hole where it lands with a wet kerplop!)

(Suddenly, confetti and streamers bursts from the sky and a bunch of anything Muppets wearing golf caps and holding victory flags march around Beau and Rowlf shouting, “18th HOLE! 18th HOLE! YOU WIN!”)

A BLUSHING BEAU: You mean I won?! Wow! I actually won something and did it without messing up!

ROWLF: Hey, congrats on the win, my friend. You deserve it!

(Clifford then runs up to Beau)

CLIFFORD: Yo, Beau! Congrats on winning the golf tournament and for showing off one of the world’s greatest golf swings! An according to the rules of this golf course, for getting all 18 holes, you get to pick any object from the prize shelf! (The same golf staff starts to push in a shelf filled with prizes like a pocket radio, a CD player, a TV, a DVD player, around the world plane tickets, and gold bars.)

BEAU: You mean I can pick any prize on the shelf?!

CLIFFORD: Help yourself, champ!

ROWLF: Be sure to choose something good!

(Beau looks at all the prizes and grabs something from the left side of the middle shelf)

BEAU: I want this! (Rowlf, Clifford, and the golf staff looked shocked at what Beau chose!)

CLIFFORD: That?! But that looks like an old washcloth!

GREEN STAFF MEMBER: That’s not really a prize. I just placed that old washcloth on there so I could have both hands free to push the shelf over to you.

BEAU: But it was on the shelf. Wasn’t that the rules? Whatever’s on the shelf I can pick for a prize?

CLIFFORD: But it’s an old washcloth!

GREEN STAFF MEMBER: Beauregard does have a point! I put it on the shelf so it counts as a prize!

BEAU: Yay! That means I win a brand new washcloth!

GREEN STAFF MEMBER: Yes, you’ve won it, but it’s not really new.

CLIFFORD: Man, that was pretty sneaky of Beau to win that washcloth, both sneaky and stupid at the same time!

ROWLF: Beau, you could’ve chosen a new TV set or a trip around the world! Why did you choose that old rag?!

BEAU: Oh, Rowlf. You don’t understand the passion we janitors have for these little beauties. I always feel warm and happy when I get a new washcloth.

A SIGHING ROWLF: Okay, whatever makes your heart happy.

BEAU: And these things make great chew toys for dogs! (Beau starts to hold the cloth up in the air and wiggle it. Rowlf suddenly felt an urge as he started panting.)

ROWLF: Oh, now I’m starting to see how wonderful that thing is! Let me at it! (Rowlf jumps up and nabs the end of the cloth with his mouth while Beau happily tugs on it. Clifford looks weird at Beau who was playing tug of war with Rowlf and his new washcloth and slowly and quietly steps away back to his announcer’s box.

CLIFFORD: And there you have it. A total capital W golf match! WEIRD golfers where one makes a WILD WINNING swing and gets a totally WARPED prize of a WORN out WASH cloth! (Clifford turns around and finds Guy Smiley still in his new isolation booth with his mouth moving in silence.)

CLIFFORD: What, you’re still talking in there?! Don’t you know nobody can hear you?! You’re just wasting your voice box! (Clifford opens the booth’s door to tell him and a loud force of sound blows him away.)

GUY: AREN’T THESE ISOLATION BOOTH’S AMAZING THINGS?! SOUND NEVER ESCAPES WHEN THE DOOR’S SEALED TIGHT. AND WHEN MORE SOUNDS GET ADDED INSIDE, IT RELEASES A POWERFUL FORCE ONCE THE DOOR’S OPEN! ISN’T THAT AMAZING, CLIFFORD? HEY, CLIFFORD. WHERE’RE YOU GOING?!

(Guy sees Clifford getting blasted away by the sonic blast and ends up crashing onto the front of Waldorf’s and Statler’s golf cart.)

WALDORF: Hey, are you the waiter?

A DAZED CLIFFORD: What’s that? I think I lost my hearing!

STATLER: If you are the waiter, can you bring us a couple of Shirley Temples?

CLIFFORD: Yes, my sweetheart has lots of curly dimples!

WALDORF: Wow, this guy really has lost his hearing.

STATLER: At least he’s protected from that Bear’s deadly jokes.

W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! (Clifford starts laughing as well.)

CLIFFORD: Uh, what are we laughing about?

GUY: GOOD OLD CLIFFORD. ALWAYS CLOWNING AROUND! SO THIS IS GUY SMILEY BRINGING YOU BACK TO LEWIS KAZAGGER!

* * * * * *

LEWIS: That sure was some heavy hitting and announcer blasting action we saw on the golf course today, with the Muppet Show team bringing us the win. Now let’s check on Digit with the scoring.

* * * * * *

DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like both the Muppet Show and the Big Blue House teams are tied with 3 points while the other two teams are in second with 2 points. ‘nuff said!

* * * * * *

LEWIS: Once again, we come to the end of another thrilling event. This is Lewis Kazagger….

(Just then Newsman enters the booth holding a dustbuster.)

NEWSMAN: Sorry I wasn’t here. But I had to leave to get something to remove the extra lint from my jacket.

LEWIS: Wait a minute? Is that one of those Dust Master 9000s?!

NEWSMAN: Yeah, I heard they’re pretty effective. (He clicks on the dustbuster and it ends up sucking everything in the announcer’s booth, including Lewis.)

LEWIS: YOU BLOCKHEAD! (Lewis gets pulled into the small dustbuster as well as the entire screen, leaving Newsman in a black void. He quickly turns off the dustbuster.)

NEWSMAN: Uh, oh! I think I may have set in on max and sucked up the entire world! Not only that, my car keys! (Newsman peeks into the dustbuster’s snout.) If anyone in there sees my keys, hold them for me, will you? And for all you sports fans who are stuck in there, stay tuned for Day 11 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. Once I figure out where the reverse switch is on this thing.

(Newsman turns on the dustbuster again and sucks up the last remaining cameraman and his camera. The screen goes into static.)

 

[DTF]

LOL, that was great. What a golf match. I love how you're finding such perfect contestants for each match. Of course, Beau probably did the whole course in so few strokes he was declared the winner once everyone else had made more - which was pretty easy.

The President thing ws great - I half expected Taft, the guy who got stuck int he bathtub while President. But, your ideas were just as good. (Taft served 1909-13 and weighed over 300 pounds.)

Will there be any gymnastics? I always like that the best in the Olympics. I wonder who would be the best gymnast. Miss Piggy would *think* she's the best, but she's already competed. I guess someone could always do it again, though.

 

[The Count]

Good chapter Xerus... Some parts made me laugh, not sure which ones right now... But it was a good chapter and it'll make Mr. 9900 Poster happy once he reads this thing.
Post the next event when ready and we'll be here to read it.

 

[Beauregard]

I loved it! It was great! And funny! And BEAU-tifull, i.e. it had Beau in it!

 

[G-MAN]

I loved it, especially the part with the World's Oldest Fraggle and Henchy.

 

[BEAR]

Funny funny stuff!!

 

[Xerus]

Thank you all for your wonderful comments on Day 10 of my fanfic. And I knew you'd like it if Beauregard was in it, Beau.

I'll come out with Day 11 soon.

Xerus