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Xerus
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Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 11
LEWIS: Hello, sports fans. Welcome back to Day 11 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN(At work at the door): And I’m the Newsman.
LEWIS: Newsie, what are you doing by the door? You’re supposed to be in your seat next to me!
NEWSMAN: I’m protecting both of us. There’s no way a monster’s gonna come in here and devour us both again!
LEWIS: What are you up to?
NEWSMAN: Voila! (Newsman steps aside and it shows an electric light beam in front of the door.) I’ve installed a monster detector to keep monsters from coming in here and attacking us!
LEWIS: Does it work?
NEWSMAN: Just watch! (Newsman sees a big orange monster trudging down the halls.) Hey monster, want something to sink your teeth into? (Newsman lifts up his pants-leg showing off his bare leg. The monster drools happily and starts to charge into the room. But the light beam starts to electrocute the monster causing him to back away.)
A CHARRED MONSTER: What is this, April Fools Day?! Why’d you have to bring my hopes up like that?! (And the monster runs away crying.)
NEWSMAN: See, Lewis. If any monster tries to come in here, ZAPPO! Now we’re both protected at long last!
A CONFUSED LEWIS: You sure know how to look out for your fellow castors. And speaking of fellow castors, here’s Telly bringing you the latest update on the cross country bicycle race.
* * * * * *
TELLY(rising up from a stream with a snorkel and an eye mask): Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest bike report. Right now, I’m under the drawbridge that is supposed to lead our cyclists back to the city. They should be here any minute now. And look, here comes the first cyclist. It’s Traveling Matt in the lead. Uh oh, it looks like the bridge is opening. This might ruin Matt’s lead.
MATT(taking out a pad and pencil and starts writing): My faithful two wheeled steed and I have come across one of the most frustrating creatures you can find when traveling in outer space, the living bridges. It seems like when a boy bridge and a girl bridge fall in love, they join together to form one giant bridge. That may seem useful for ravines that need a really long bridge, but it gets unpleasant when the two bridges suddenly don’t get along.
(Matt studies the drawbridge as it opens up all the way making the two halves completely separate.)
MATT: It seems like every hour, the male and female bridges have an occasional spat and when that happens, they separate from each other for a while. This can get frustrating for travelers like me and my steed who want to cross to the other side and have to wait a while. But it seems to make the silly creatures who are driving the boats below happy for some reason. So maybe there is a purpose when two bridges have an occasional argument. I just hope they can patch things up right away, so I can cross and keep my lead.
TELLY: Will Traveling Matt be able to cross before the other cyclists catch up to him? If you’ll get back to me later, Lewis, I’ll let you know.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. We’ll get back to the bridge right after today’s event. Reporting live is that happening former show host, Clifford.
* * * * * *
TUG OF WAR
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Yo, yo, yo! What’s up? What’s up? Once again, this is Clifford bringing you the hard pulling action of tug of war! Right now, our teams are drawing numbers on who will get to go first.
(The team captains gather around the referee who’s holding a top hat and they reach in and pull a number. Kermit ends up pulling out a 1, Bear a 2, Ernie a 3, and Gobo a 4.)
CLIFFORD: Well, it looks like The Muppet Show and the Big Blue House teams will be competing in round 1. Whoever wins round 1 will face off with the Sesame Street team in round 2, and the winner of that round will go against the Fraggle team in the final round. The losers of each round will fall into that dirty mud puddle in the center while the winners will land on nice soft Astroturf that isn’t as dirty. But doesn’t make your skin nice and clear though.
* * * * * *
(On the left side, we see Kermit at the front with Scooter, Fozzie, Floyd, Gonzo, and Rowlf behind him. And on the right side, we see Bear at the front with, Ojo, Tutter, Pip, Pop, and Treelo behind him. The two captains shake hands.)
BEAR: Good luck to you, Kermit. And I’d just like you to know, I’ve been a big fan of the Muppet Show ever since I was a little bear cub.
KERMIT: Uh, thank you, Bear. I wish I could say I was fan of your show ever since I was a tadpole, but I’ve been an adult frog when your show first started.
REFEREE: Athletes, take your positions. On your marks, get set, start pulling!
CLIFFORD: And the match has started! And it looks like the Big Blue House team is using all their bear strength and is pulling ahead!
(We see Bear doing most of the pulling while the other 5 smaller animals were pretty much relaxing while holding onto the rope. Kermit and his team watch nervously as they were getting closer to the mud.)
FLOYD: What’s that Bear made of?
GONZO: Fozzie, you’re a bear like him! How come you don’t have his strength?
FOZZIE: Sorry, Gonzo. The bear on that team must’ve trained in the rough and tough woods. I mostly trained in clown college!
ROWLF: I can’t land in that mud! They won’t let me on the furniture if I’m all muddy!
SCOOTER: We could use a plan here, Chief!
KERMIT(scratching his head with one hand while tugging the rope with his other): Let’s see, gotta think of something fast. I know! Scooter, pretend you’re pulling on the curtain rope back in our theater!
SCOOTER: Gotcha, Chief! (Scooter starts pulling.)
KERMIT: Rowlf, pretend this rope is your favorite chew toy!
ROWLF: Will do! (And he starts to grab the rope with his mouth.)
KERMIT: Fozzie, pretend you’re pulling the string of your favorite spinning tie.
FOZZIE: Wocka, wocka! (Fozzie starts tugging while twirling the ends of his spotted tie around with his other hand.)
KERMIT: Floyd, pretend you’re tugging on Animal’s chain!
FLOYD: Heal Animal, be good! (And Floyd starts pulling on the rope imagining Bear with Animal’s head on top.) You look good in a fur coat, Animal.
KERMIT: And let’s see, uh, I got it! Gonzo, pretend you’re yanking your own spleen out of your body!
GONZO: Cool! Sounds painful! (Gonzo reaches into his sweatshirt.)
KERMIT: No, Gonzo! I said to pretend! Pretend the rope is your spleen!
A DISAPPOINTED GONZO: Oh, all right! I’ll remove my spleen some other time! (Gonzo starts tugging.)
CLIFFORD: Will you look at that?! It looks like the Muppet Show team is coming on strong. Now they’re the ones who’re pulling the Big Blue House team closer and closer into the mud!
BEAR: Okay, guys! It looks like I’ll need everyone here!
(The Big Blue House team nods and starts to pull with all their might. Except for Tutter, for the little mouse was holding onto the rope, but his feet weren’t touching the ground.)
CLIFFORD: Now it looks like Bear’s team is pulling ahead! Man, this is like some weird taffy pull!
KERMIT: Keep pulling everyone! (The Muppet Show team starts to pull even harder as well. Rowlf holds onto the rope harder with his mouth, but he ends up gnawing the rope causing it to snap. And the Muppet Show team, except Rowlf, ends up falling into the mud with a huge SPLAT!)
ROWLF(blushing with the rope still in his mouth): Oops, sorry about that guys. I guess I don’t know my own chewing strength.
KERMIT(rising from the mud): Don’t worry about it, Rowlf. This kind of reminds me of my old swamp back home.
SCOOTER(with muddy glasses): Has anyone seen my glasses cleaning cloth?
FOZZIE(wiping his face): Here’s mud in our eyes!
FLOYD: Hey, you know, this mud look might work wonders for our band. It’ll be like we’re back in Woodstock!
GONZO(tasting the mud): You know, this is the same mix I use to make my famous mud pies back when I was a kid. Now, all I need is Camilla to lay some eggs for me.
(The Muppets in the mud groaned at Gonzo’s weird words.)
* * * * * *
STATLER: It looks like the Muppet Show team’s name is mud!
WALDORF: And you know what mud spelled backwards is?
STATLER(points to Waldorf): YOU! HAW HAW HAW HAW!
(Waldorf just groans and bops Statler in the face once again.)
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Oooh, too bad for the Muppet Show team! While they’re wallowing in dirty defeat, the winner of round 1 is the Big Blue House team.
(Bear and his friends start to cheer.)
OJO: Yay! We did it!
PIP AND POP: Yeah, we’re bad! We’re bad!
TUTTER: Bad?! But I’m a good mouse. Were we bad because we made those Muppets fall in the mud? If that’s so, I apologize for all of us.
BEAR: No, Tutter. Don’t worry. We’re bad is just an expression saying you’re good at something.
A CONFUSED TUTTER: If being bad means you’re good, does that mean when you’re cold, you’re actually hot?
PIP: Actually, it’s when you’re cool, you’re hot.
TUTTER(holding his head): My head hurts!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Now it’s time for round 2, and the Big Blue House team will move on to play against the Sesame Street team. And here come the six athletes ready to start pulling.
(We see Ernie, Bert, Grover, Herry, Cookie Monster, and Oscar walking to the rope and picking it up.)
ERNIE: Okay, guys. Are you ready to do this?
OSCAR: You bet! I can’t wait till we all fall in that mud! Heh heh heh!
BERT: Oscar, the point of winning a tug of war is to keep pulling as hard as we can so we won’t fall in the mud.
OSCAR: Well then, I guess I won’t pull my hardest! Mud puddle, here we come!
A SHOCKED BERT: Why is Oscar even on our team?! Why couldn’t’ve we chosen someone like Snuffy to be on our tug of war team? With his strength, he could easily win this for us!
ERNIE: Don’t you remember, Bert? Snuffy had to go to Snuffle-garten today! Education is important.
BERT: But still, of all people, why did we let Oscar talk us into competing in tug of war with us? We should’ve realized that the only reason he wanted to be in this event is so we’d all get muddy and filthy! Mr. Referee, we’d like to replace one of our pullers with another member of our team.
REFEREE: Sorry, according to the rules, no substitutions!
BERT: I guess we’re all stuck with Oscar.
OSCAR: Yeah, and soon we’ll get all sticky! Heh heh heh!
HERRY: Wait a minute. I think I have an idea! (Herry goes over to the referee and whispers something. The referee nods a yes and Herry grabs a bucket, scoops up some mud, and then pours the mud behind Oscar.)
OSCAR: What’cha doing, Fuzzy Face?
HERRY: I’m building you your very own mud puddle to fall into. All you gotta do is pull with all of us, and if we win, you’ll fall backwards and land in your own private mud and the rest of us will be clean.
OSCAR: Hmmm, it’s a pleasing thought. But one thing grouches hate is winning! Besides, I’d rather us all fall in that huge jumbo sized mud in the center!
HERRY: Okay, if you want us all to share that mud puddle.
A SHOCKED OSCAR: SHARE?!!
HERRY: Yeah, and we know how much you grouches LOVE to share! (Herry turns his head and winks at his team.)
ERNIE: Oh yes, Oscar. It’s so generous of you to share your mud bath with us.
A FROWNING BERT: It is? (Ernie nudges him) Oh yes, it is! We love to share mud!
OSCAR: Forget it! Grouches hate sharing! I’m gonna pull with all my green might so I’ll be sure to land in my own mud which none of you are gonna enjoy!
HERRY: Fine, whatever makes you grouchy! (Ernie, Bert, Cookie, and Grover sigh of relief.)
REFEREE: Athletes grab the rope and on the count of three, start tugging! (The Sesame team was on the left side, and the Big Blue House team was on the right!) On your mark, get start, start pulling!
CLIFFORD: And the match begins! So far, it looks like Bear is using his bear strength once again and is pulling the Sesame team closer and closer into the mud!
ERNIE: Uh oh! It looks like we’re gonna get a mud bath and I didn’t bring my rubber duckie!
HERRY: Not even my own strength is a match for that Bear!
BERT(turning over to Grover): Can’t you change into Super Grover and win this for us?
GROVER: Are you kidding? Using my super powers to win a tug of war is an unfair advantage!
BERT: Who says?!
GROVER(taking out a small rule book): Right here in this official rule book! (Bert looks at the book, but then stops for the Sesame team were starting to get pulled even faster.)
BERT: It definitely looks like we’re all gonna be sharing a mud bath.
OSCAR: Not if I call on the power of 10 grouches, plus 2! (An x-ray appears and it shows Oscar’s filth covered heart growing 3 sizes! Then Oscar gives a mighty yank, pulling the Big Blue House team into the puddle, The Sesame Street team look surprised as they find themselves standing up all clean.)
REFEREE: The winner of the second round is the Sesame Street team!
ERNIE: Hey, what do you know? We won! Oscar won it for us!
BERT: What a surprise! Say, where is Oscar?
COOKIE: Right there! (They all turn around and found Oscar lying in his own personal mud puddle that Herry made him.)
OSCAR(My own personal mud spa! I’m in Heaven!)
* * * * * *
TUTTER: OH NO! We’re all in the mud puddle! I’ll drown!
OJO: Relax Tutter. We’re not sinking and we’re not even muddy either.
PIP: Yeah, we’ve seemed to have landed safely on some lump of fur.
POP: Yeah, I wonder where all this fur came from?
TREELO: Yagga, wagga, wooga, BEAR!
OJO: You’re saying we’re on top of Bear?! (The smaller animals realize that they were sitting on the back of their team captain, Bear, for he had fallen into the mud and protected his team from getting dirty.)
BEAR(raising his muddy head): Could someone help me up please? (They all got off of Bear’s back and helped up their captain. They looked at Bear, whose front was all covered with sticky mud.)
BEAR: I’m sorry we didn’t win guys.
OJO: We’re even sorrier that you were the one who got all dirty and not us.
TUTTER: Yeah, Bear. Thank you for protecting us!
BEAR: Aw, you’re welcome, Tutter and don’t worry about me getting dirty. (Bear exposes a hidden zipper in his muddy fur, unzips it, and takes off his muddy coat showing off his real fur all nice and clean. The smaller animals look at him with their mouths wide open.)
OJO: Wow, you mean you were wearing another fur coat over your real fur coat?
BEAR: That’s right, Ojo. I really don’t like getting my real fur all dirty.
PIP AND POP: Wow, Bear sure is smart!
TREELO: Wagga, woogoo, AND CLEAN!
A BLUSHING BEAR: Huh huh huh!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Well sports fans, it looks like the Big Blue House team is out and the Sesame team gets to move onto the final round. And here comes those Funky Fraggles ready to try their tugging best!
(On the left we see the Sesame team and on the right we see Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober, Mokey, and Large Marvin.)
GOBO: Okay, guys. Are we ready to do this!
RED: You bet! I’m willing and able! WOO HOO HOO!
WEMBLEY: I’m with you, Gobo.
A NERVOUS BOOBER: I sure hope that mud puddle’s been sterilized of all germs!
MOKEY: Aw, Boober. Mud isn’t so bad. I heard it can be made into beautiful pottery.
REFEREE: On your mark, get set, START PULLING!
CLIFFORD: It looks like the Sesame team is pulling the Fraggle team closer to the mud. It seems the Sesame team has a better advantage in this round since there is no big strong bear on the Fraggle team.
RED: Come on, everyone! Pull harder!
LARGE MARVIN: I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a light snack to charge me up. Oh lackies! (Marvin’s Fraggle lackies come charging up to him pushing two wheelbarrows filled with cakes, pies, and pancakes.)
WEMBLEY: All that’s a light snack?
MARVIN: Of course, I usually have my big meals in a jumbo sized cave! (Marvin grabs a handful of sweets with one hand while holding onto the rope with his other.)
RED: Marvin, this is no time to make yourself heavier! You’re supposed to be helping us all win!
GOBO: Make yourself heavier? That’s it! Mokey, tie the rope around Marvin’s waist.
MOKEY: Okay, Gobo. (Mokey made a loop with the rope and ties it around Marvin’s huge waistline.)
MARVIN: Ah, this is much better. Now I have both hands free to grab more goodies!
GOBO: Marvin’s lackies. Keep feeding your boss as much food as he can eat! (The lackies complied and brought in more wheelbarrows of sweets. Marvin kept inhaling all the food like a giant vacuum making him fatter and heavier.)
A CONFUSED RED: Gobo, what are you doing?!
GOBO: Trust me.
(The Sesame team kept trying to pull the Fraggle team closer, but now they weren’t having much luck.)
BERT: Wait a minute, why aren’t those Fraggle’s budging?
ERNIE: It’s that huge Fraggle at the end! They’ve filled him with so much food that he’s become to heavy to pull into the mud!
GROVER: And now it looks like they are trying to pull us in!
CLIFFORD: Will you look at that? The Fraggle team now has the pulling power and they’re bringing the Sesame team closer to the mud!
(Sure enough, the Fraggle team was pulling with all their might while Marvin was just sitting on the ground, still busy eating and getting heavier.)
BERT: This isn’t fair!
COOKIE: Me say! That big Fraggle is getting lots of food while me eating nothing.
ERNIE: That’s it! It’s time to fight fire with fire!
BERT: What are you up to, Ernie?
ERNIE: This! (Ernie takes out a cell phone while holding onto the rope with his other hand.) Hello, Hooper’s Store? Please send 24 boxes of cookies ASAP! (The minute Ernie puts away his cell phone, a blue delivery man zips in with a crate filled with lots of cookies.)
OSCAR: I know that smell! It’s something sweet and tasty YUCHH! (He puts a clothespin on his nose.)
COOKIE: Cookies from Heaven! Oh, me want some now!
ERNIE: Just a minute, Cookie. Okay, Herry. Can you tie the rope around Cookie Monster’s waist?
HERRY: Sure thing! (Herry wraps the rope around Cookie’s furry waist and ties it tight.)
ERNIE: Okay, Cookie Monster. You can now have your cookies and eat them too!
COOKIE: COWABUNGA! (Cookie starts to grab the cookies and gobble them up making him just as heavy as Large Marvin.)
BERT: Hey, that’s smart thinking, Ern.
ERNIE: Thanks, Bert. Now both sides have an equal advantage.
WEMBLEY: Oh no! We can’t seem to pull the Sesame team anymore!
RED: Now, what do we do oh great and wise leader?!
GOBO: Keep filling Large Marvin with food! (The lackies nod and keep bringing in more food for the fat Fraggle.)
MOKEY: This can’t be good for Marvin’s health.
BOOBER: Or my ears if I hear his arteries pop!
MARVIN: I have no problem with this. (Continues chomping) I’m taking one for the team!
(Clifford and the crowd watch in shock as they watch Cookie Monster and Large Marvin keep eating and eating while the others keep tugging and tugging.)
CLIFFORD: Man, this is way beyond warped! Somehow they’ve forgotten that this is a tug of war match and have turned it into a junk eating match!
MARVIN: More food, lackies!
LACKY 1: Sorry, sir. But there is no more food.
MARVIN: NO MORE FOOD?!
LACKY 2: Nope, we’ve completely cleaned out the snack bars!
MARVIN: Now what’ll I eat?!
RED: Oh, great! Our secret weapon’s run out of fuel!
GOBO: But not that big blue monster on their team! He’s still got plenty of cookies left!
ERNIE: Did you hear that, everybody? The Fraggles have no more fuel left. Okay, Cookie. How about winning this for us, by giving us a huge tug?
COOKIE: BURP! Sure thing! Me have cookie power now! (Cookie grabs the rope and starts to pull the Fraggles, including Large Marvin, closer to the mud.)
RED: It’ll take a miracle to save us, now! (Just then, some bells were heard outside the stadium.)
WEMBLEY: Is that the sound of a miracle?
MARVIN: It’s something even better! It’s the ice cream man! Let me at him! (Marvin starts to run out of the stadium, dragging the rope with the Fraggles still holding it behind him. That did it! The entire Sesame team got pulled into the mud with a huge SPLAT!)
REFEREE: It’s over! The winner of the tug of war match is the Fraggle team!
BERT: Yech! I hate mud!
OSCAR(splashing around happily): I love mud! But I hate sharing it with all of you!
ERNIE: Sorry we didn’t win guys! And I’m sorry we got all dirty too!
HERRY: It’s okay. I play sports a lot so I’m used to getting dirty.
OSCAR: Hmmm, maybe I should play sports more often!
GROVER: Are you okay, Cookie? You did eat a lot of cookies just now.
COOKIE: Okay? Me so hungry! All this mud makes me think of brown gooey chocolate!
BERT: Don’t tell me you’re thinking about eating all this mud?!
OSCAR(holding onto his mud): Don’t you dare!
COOKIE: Of course not! Me want ICE CREAM! (Cookie jumps out of the puddle and runs out the same stadium exit Large Marvin went through.)
CLIFFORD: And there you have it, sports dudes! The Fraggle team wins the tug of war match! They were the only ones who came out clean without getting a mud bath. Normally, I’d be interviewing the winners right now, but I have no idea where they went off to.
* * * * * *
(We see an ice cream truck driving down the street while Large Marvin was chasing after it while the other five Fraggles were still holding onto the rope running behind him.)
GOBO: Marvin, stop running!
MARVIN: Not until I get my ice cream!
RED: We’re gonna be stuck on this rope following after Marvin, forever!
BOOBER: I knew I’d come to the end of my rope one of these days!
WEMBLEY: I’m wondering why we just don’t let go of the rope?
(The five Fraggles look at each other funny and then let go of the rope. Sure enough, our Fraggle five had stopped running while Marvin was still chasing the ice cream truck.)
GOBO: Good thinking, Wembley!
MOKEY: Yes, you saved us!
WEMBLEY(blushing): AWWWW!
(Just then, Cookie Monster zooms past the Fraggles and tries to catch up with Marvin who was trying to catch up with the still moving ice cream truck.)
COOKIE: Come back! Me want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!
MARVIN: Ditto for me!
* * * * * *
(Back in the main announcer’s box)
LEWIS: And that ends the tug of war match with the Fraggle team claiming the victory. Let’s see what the scoring is now with Digit.
* * * * * *
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like the Fraggle, Muppet, and Big Blue House teams are tied with 3 points each, while the Sesame team is in last place with 2 points. That Sesame team better pull something out of their sleeves if they want to catch up! Let’s hope their next athlete isn’t wearing a sleeveless tank top. HA HA HA! (Digit then gets a glitch and starts laughing a non-stop, “HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA!”)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: You’d better get your sense of humor circuit replaced, Digit. Anyway, before closing, here’s another report from our Monster on the Spot, Telly.
* * * * * *
TELLY(standing at the other side of the bridge): Thank you, Lewis. I’m back here at the open drawbridge where it’s still open all this time. And all four of our cyclists are at the other end still waiting to cross. And the reason it’s taking so long for the bridge to close is because it looks like a huge parade of boats is passing by. And it looks like there’re hundreds of them.
COUNT: Make that 113 boats, no 114, 115, 116, Oh, I love waiting here counting passing boats! I hope that bridge never goes down!
(The other three cyclists sigh of frustration. Just then, Beaker gets a ring on his cell phone.)
BUNSEN’S VOICE: Hello, Beaker! I’m watching your predicament right now on the big screen, and I’ve prepared something in your bicycle to help you get pass open drawbridges.
A NERVOUS BEAKER: Mee mee mee meep!
BUNSEN: Just trust me, Beaker, like you always do. Just push the button on the center of your handlebars and you’ll propel to victory.
(Beaker sighs as he pushes the button, and suddenly a propeller ejects from the back of the bike and it carries Beaker over the open bridge.)
AN AMAZED BEAKER: Mee, meep?
(The other cyclists and Telly were too busy watching the boats to notice that Beaker was hovering over the open bridge.)
TELLY: Well, it looks like the last of the boats have passed, so the bridge should be closing any minute.
COUNT: That was 128 beautiful boats! HA HA HA HA! (The Count’s trademark lightning appears, striking the propeller on Beaker’s bike.)
BEAKER: MEEEEEEEP! (Beaker was about to fall into the water, until the bridge closed on him. We see Beaker’s head sticking out of the bridge.)
TELLY: Now that the bridge is closed, our bikers can continue the race. Say, what happened to Beaker?
(Beaker painfully twists his head around and sees the three bikers pedaling with all their might. Some dust appears and when it clears, we see a flattened Beaker’s head stuck on the bridge. Beaker’s cell phone rings again and he hits the loudspeaker button.)
BUNSEN: Oh, I’m sorry about that Beaker. But don’t worry. The bridge will open up again in an hour and you’ll be free.
BEAKER(in a flattened voice): MEEP!
* * * * * *
TELLY: And there you have the latest update on our bicycle race. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: And there you have Day 11 of our exciting and pretty weird sporting event. This is Lewis Kazagger saying see you next time for Day 12 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.
NEWSMAN: And this is the Newsman saying don’t let the weight of the world stop you from going out and fulfilling your dreams! (Then a huge 20 ton weight lands on the Newsman squashing him flat.)
LEWIS(shaking his head): You’d think he’d learn to watch his mouth after all these years of things landing on him. Don’t worry, Newsie. A personal announcers’ doctor is on his way to help you.
(But it turns out that the doctor was a green furry monster. He tries to enter the announcer booth, but he ends up getting zapped by the monster detector Newsie had installed earlier.)
AN ANGRY DR. MONSTER: What is this, a joke?! I’ve heard of apples keeping the doctors away, but this is totally twisted! So long, you’re on your own here! (And Dr. Monster takes out a golf club and walks away.)
LEWIS(peeking under the weight): Sorry, Newsie. No doctor for you today! But I’ll see if I can find you a tire pump and pump up back into shape!
NEWSMAN(in a muffled voice): Thanks Lewis. Camera off, now!
(Camera goes off.)
By Cullen Pittman
Day 11
LEWIS: Hello, sports fans. Welcome back to Day 11 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN(At work at the door): And I’m the Newsman.
LEWIS: Newsie, what are you doing by the door? You’re supposed to be in your seat next to me!
NEWSMAN: I’m protecting both of us. There’s no way a monster’s gonna come in here and devour us both again!
LEWIS: What are you up to?
NEWSMAN: Voila! (Newsman steps aside and it shows an electric light beam in front of the door.) I’ve installed a monster detector to keep monsters from coming in here and attacking us!
LEWIS: Does it work?
NEWSMAN: Just watch! (Newsman sees a big orange monster trudging down the halls.) Hey monster, want something to sink your teeth into? (Newsman lifts up his pants-leg showing off his bare leg. The monster drools happily and starts to charge into the room. But the light beam starts to electrocute the monster causing him to back away.)
A CHARRED MONSTER: What is this, April Fools Day?! Why’d you have to bring my hopes up like that?! (And the monster runs away crying.)
NEWSMAN: See, Lewis. If any monster tries to come in here, ZAPPO! Now we’re both protected at long last!
A CONFUSED LEWIS: You sure know how to look out for your fellow castors. And speaking of fellow castors, here’s Telly bringing you the latest update on the cross country bicycle race.
* * * * * *
TELLY(rising up from a stream with a snorkel and an eye mask): Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest bike report. Right now, I’m under the drawbridge that is supposed to lead our cyclists back to the city. They should be here any minute now. And look, here comes the first cyclist. It’s Traveling Matt in the lead. Uh oh, it looks like the bridge is opening. This might ruin Matt’s lead.
MATT(taking out a pad and pencil and starts writing): My faithful two wheeled steed and I have come across one of the most frustrating creatures you can find when traveling in outer space, the living bridges. It seems like when a boy bridge and a girl bridge fall in love, they join together to form one giant bridge. That may seem useful for ravines that need a really long bridge, but it gets unpleasant when the two bridges suddenly don’t get along.
(Matt studies the drawbridge as it opens up all the way making the two halves completely separate.)
MATT: It seems like every hour, the male and female bridges have an occasional spat and when that happens, they separate from each other for a while. This can get frustrating for travelers like me and my steed who want to cross to the other side and have to wait a while. But it seems to make the silly creatures who are driving the boats below happy for some reason. So maybe there is a purpose when two bridges have an occasional argument. I just hope they can patch things up right away, so I can cross and keep my lead.
TELLY: Will Traveling Matt be able to cross before the other cyclists catch up to him? If you’ll get back to me later, Lewis, I’ll let you know.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Thank you, Telly. We’ll get back to the bridge right after today’s event. Reporting live is that happening former show host, Clifford.
* * * * * *
TUG OF WAR
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Yo, yo, yo! What’s up? What’s up? Once again, this is Clifford bringing you the hard pulling action of tug of war! Right now, our teams are drawing numbers on who will get to go first.
(The team captains gather around the referee who’s holding a top hat and they reach in and pull a number. Kermit ends up pulling out a 1, Bear a 2, Ernie a 3, and Gobo a 4.)
CLIFFORD: Well, it looks like The Muppet Show and the Big Blue House teams will be competing in round 1. Whoever wins round 1 will face off with the Sesame Street team in round 2, and the winner of that round will go against the Fraggle team in the final round. The losers of each round will fall into that dirty mud puddle in the center while the winners will land on nice soft Astroturf that isn’t as dirty. But doesn’t make your skin nice and clear though.
* * * * * *
(On the left side, we see Kermit at the front with Scooter, Fozzie, Floyd, Gonzo, and Rowlf behind him. And on the right side, we see Bear at the front with, Ojo, Tutter, Pip, Pop, and Treelo behind him. The two captains shake hands.)
BEAR: Good luck to you, Kermit. And I’d just like you to know, I’ve been a big fan of the Muppet Show ever since I was a little bear cub.
KERMIT: Uh, thank you, Bear. I wish I could say I was fan of your show ever since I was a tadpole, but I’ve been an adult frog when your show first started.
REFEREE: Athletes, take your positions. On your marks, get set, start pulling!
CLIFFORD: And the match has started! And it looks like the Big Blue House team is using all their bear strength and is pulling ahead!
(We see Bear doing most of the pulling while the other 5 smaller animals were pretty much relaxing while holding onto the rope. Kermit and his team watch nervously as they were getting closer to the mud.)
FLOYD: What’s that Bear made of?
GONZO: Fozzie, you’re a bear like him! How come you don’t have his strength?
FOZZIE: Sorry, Gonzo. The bear on that team must’ve trained in the rough and tough woods. I mostly trained in clown college!
ROWLF: I can’t land in that mud! They won’t let me on the furniture if I’m all muddy!
SCOOTER: We could use a plan here, Chief!
KERMIT(scratching his head with one hand while tugging the rope with his other): Let’s see, gotta think of something fast. I know! Scooter, pretend you’re pulling on the curtain rope back in our theater!
SCOOTER: Gotcha, Chief! (Scooter starts pulling.)
KERMIT: Rowlf, pretend this rope is your favorite chew toy!
ROWLF: Will do! (And he starts to grab the rope with his mouth.)
KERMIT: Fozzie, pretend you’re pulling the string of your favorite spinning tie.
FOZZIE: Wocka, wocka! (Fozzie starts tugging while twirling the ends of his spotted tie around with his other hand.)
KERMIT: Floyd, pretend you’re tugging on Animal’s chain!
FLOYD: Heal Animal, be good! (And Floyd starts pulling on the rope imagining Bear with Animal’s head on top.) You look good in a fur coat, Animal.
KERMIT: And let’s see, uh, I got it! Gonzo, pretend you’re yanking your own spleen out of your body!
GONZO: Cool! Sounds painful! (Gonzo reaches into his sweatshirt.)
KERMIT: No, Gonzo! I said to pretend! Pretend the rope is your spleen!
A DISAPPOINTED GONZO: Oh, all right! I’ll remove my spleen some other time! (Gonzo starts tugging.)
CLIFFORD: Will you look at that?! It looks like the Muppet Show team is coming on strong. Now they’re the ones who’re pulling the Big Blue House team closer and closer into the mud!
BEAR: Okay, guys! It looks like I’ll need everyone here!
(The Big Blue House team nods and starts to pull with all their might. Except for Tutter, for the little mouse was holding onto the rope, but his feet weren’t touching the ground.)
CLIFFORD: Now it looks like Bear’s team is pulling ahead! Man, this is like some weird taffy pull!
KERMIT: Keep pulling everyone! (The Muppet Show team starts to pull even harder as well. Rowlf holds onto the rope harder with his mouth, but he ends up gnawing the rope causing it to snap. And the Muppet Show team, except Rowlf, ends up falling into the mud with a huge SPLAT!)
ROWLF(blushing with the rope still in his mouth): Oops, sorry about that guys. I guess I don’t know my own chewing strength.
KERMIT(rising from the mud): Don’t worry about it, Rowlf. This kind of reminds me of my old swamp back home.
SCOOTER(with muddy glasses): Has anyone seen my glasses cleaning cloth?
FOZZIE(wiping his face): Here’s mud in our eyes!
FLOYD: Hey, you know, this mud look might work wonders for our band. It’ll be like we’re back in Woodstock!
GONZO(tasting the mud): You know, this is the same mix I use to make my famous mud pies back when I was a kid. Now, all I need is Camilla to lay some eggs for me.
(The Muppets in the mud groaned at Gonzo’s weird words.)
* * * * * *
STATLER: It looks like the Muppet Show team’s name is mud!
WALDORF: And you know what mud spelled backwards is?
STATLER(points to Waldorf): YOU! HAW HAW HAW HAW!
(Waldorf just groans and bops Statler in the face once again.)
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Oooh, too bad for the Muppet Show team! While they’re wallowing in dirty defeat, the winner of round 1 is the Big Blue House team.
(Bear and his friends start to cheer.)
OJO: Yay! We did it!
PIP AND POP: Yeah, we’re bad! We’re bad!
TUTTER: Bad?! But I’m a good mouse. Were we bad because we made those Muppets fall in the mud? If that’s so, I apologize for all of us.
BEAR: No, Tutter. Don’t worry. We’re bad is just an expression saying you’re good at something.
A CONFUSED TUTTER: If being bad means you’re good, does that mean when you’re cold, you’re actually hot?
PIP: Actually, it’s when you’re cool, you’re hot.
TUTTER(holding his head): My head hurts!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Now it’s time for round 2, and the Big Blue House team will move on to play against the Sesame Street team. And here come the six athletes ready to start pulling.
(We see Ernie, Bert, Grover, Herry, Cookie Monster, and Oscar walking to the rope and picking it up.)
ERNIE: Okay, guys. Are you ready to do this?
OSCAR: You bet! I can’t wait till we all fall in that mud! Heh heh heh!
BERT: Oscar, the point of winning a tug of war is to keep pulling as hard as we can so we won’t fall in the mud.
OSCAR: Well then, I guess I won’t pull my hardest! Mud puddle, here we come!
A SHOCKED BERT: Why is Oscar even on our team?! Why couldn’t’ve we chosen someone like Snuffy to be on our tug of war team? With his strength, he could easily win this for us!
ERNIE: Don’t you remember, Bert? Snuffy had to go to Snuffle-garten today! Education is important.
BERT: But still, of all people, why did we let Oscar talk us into competing in tug of war with us? We should’ve realized that the only reason he wanted to be in this event is so we’d all get muddy and filthy! Mr. Referee, we’d like to replace one of our pullers with another member of our team.
REFEREE: Sorry, according to the rules, no substitutions!
BERT: I guess we’re all stuck with Oscar.
OSCAR: Yeah, and soon we’ll get all sticky! Heh heh heh!
HERRY: Wait a minute. I think I have an idea! (Herry goes over to the referee and whispers something. The referee nods a yes and Herry grabs a bucket, scoops up some mud, and then pours the mud behind Oscar.)
OSCAR: What’cha doing, Fuzzy Face?
HERRY: I’m building you your very own mud puddle to fall into. All you gotta do is pull with all of us, and if we win, you’ll fall backwards and land in your own private mud and the rest of us will be clean.
OSCAR: Hmmm, it’s a pleasing thought. But one thing grouches hate is winning! Besides, I’d rather us all fall in that huge jumbo sized mud in the center!
HERRY: Okay, if you want us all to share that mud puddle.
A SHOCKED OSCAR: SHARE?!!
HERRY: Yeah, and we know how much you grouches LOVE to share! (Herry turns his head and winks at his team.)
ERNIE: Oh yes, Oscar. It’s so generous of you to share your mud bath with us.
A FROWNING BERT: It is? (Ernie nudges him) Oh yes, it is! We love to share mud!
OSCAR: Forget it! Grouches hate sharing! I’m gonna pull with all my green might so I’ll be sure to land in my own mud which none of you are gonna enjoy!
HERRY: Fine, whatever makes you grouchy! (Ernie, Bert, Cookie, and Grover sigh of relief.)
REFEREE: Athletes grab the rope and on the count of three, start tugging! (The Sesame team was on the left side, and the Big Blue House team was on the right!) On your mark, get start, start pulling!
CLIFFORD: And the match begins! So far, it looks like Bear is using his bear strength once again and is pulling the Sesame team closer and closer into the mud!
ERNIE: Uh oh! It looks like we’re gonna get a mud bath and I didn’t bring my rubber duckie!
HERRY: Not even my own strength is a match for that Bear!
BERT(turning over to Grover): Can’t you change into Super Grover and win this for us?
GROVER: Are you kidding? Using my super powers to win a tug of war is an unfair advantage!
BERT: Who says?!
GROVER(taking out a small rule book): Right here in this official rule book! (Bert looks at the book, but then stops for the Sesame team were starting to get pulled even faster.)
BERT: It definitely looks like we’re all gonna be sharing a mud bath.
OSCAR: Not if I call on the power of 10 grouches, plus 2! (An x-ray appears and it shows Oscar’s filth covered heart growing 3 sizes! Then Oscar gives a mighty yank, pulling the Big Blue House team into the puddle, The Sesame Street team look surprised as they find themselves standing up all clean.)
REFEREE: The winner of the second round is the Sesame Street team!
ERNIE: Hey, what do you know? We won! Oscar won it for us!
BERT: What a surprise! Say, where is Oscar?
COOKIE: Right there! (They all turn around and found Oscar lying in his own personal mud puddle that Herry made him.)
OSCAR(My own personal mud spa! I’m in Heaven!)
* * * * * *
TUTTER: OH NO! We’re all in the mud puddle! I’ll drown!
OJO: Relax Tutter. We’re not sinking and we’re not even muddy either.
PIP: Yeah, we’ve seemed to have landed safely on some lump of fur.
POP: Yeah, I wonder where all this fur came from?
TREELO: Yagga, wagga, wooga, BEAR!
OJO: You’re saying we’re on top of Bear?! (The smaller animals realize that they were sitting on the back of their team captain, Bear, for he had fallen into the mud and protected his team from getting dirty.)
BEAR(raising his muddy head): Could someone help me up please? (They all got off of Bear’s back and helped up their captain. They looked at Bear, whose front was all covered with sticky mud.)
BEAR: I’m sorry we didn’t win guys.
OJO: We’re even sorrier that you were the one who got all dirty and not us.
TUTTER: Yeah, Bear. Thank you for protecting us!
BEAR: Aw, you’re welcome, Tutter and don’t worry about me getting dirty. (Bear exposes a hidden zipper in his muddy fur, unzips it, and takes off his muddy coat showing off his real fur all nice and clean. The smaller animals look at him with their mouths wide open.)
OJO: Wow, you mean you were wearing another fur coat over your real fur coat?
BEAR: That’s right, Ojo. I really don’t like getting my real fur all dirty.
PIP AND POP: Wow, Bear sure is smart!
TREELO: Wagga, woogoo, AND CLEAN!
A BLUSHING BEAR: Huh huh huh!
* * * * * *
CLIFFORD: Well sports fans, it looks like the Big Blue House team is out and the Sesame team gets to move onto the final round. And here comes those Funky Fraggles ready to try their tugging best!
(On the left we see the Sesame team and on the right we see Gobo, Wembley, Red, Boober, Mokey, and Large Marvin.)
GOBO: Okay, guys. Are we ready to do this!
RED: You bet! I’m willing and able! WOO HOO HOO!
WEMBLEY: I’m with you, Gobo.
A NERVOUS BOOBER: I sure hope that mud puddle’s been sterilized of all germs!
MOKEY: Aw, Boober. Mud isn’t so bad. I heard it can be made into beautiful pottery.
REFEREE: On your mark, get set, START PULLING!
CLIFFORD: It looks like the Sesame team is pulling the Fraggle team closer to the mud. It seems the Sesame team has a better advantage in this round since there is no big strong bear on the Fraggle team.
RED: Come on, everyone! Pull harder!
LARGE MARVIN: I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a light snack to charge me up. Oh lackies! (Marvin’s Fraggle lackies come charging up to him pushing two wheelbarrows filled with cakes, pies, and pancakes.)
WEMBLEY: All that’s a light snack?
MARVIN: Of course, I usually have my big meals in a jumbo sized cave! (Marvin grabs a handful of sweets with one hand while holding onto the rope with his other.)
RED: Marvin, this is no time to make yourself heavier! You’re supposed to be helping us all win!
GOBO: Make yourself heavier? That’s it! Mokey, tie the rope around Marvin’s waist.
MOKEY: Okay, Gobo. (Mokey made a loop with the rope and ties it around Marvin’s huge waistline.)
MARVIN: Ah, this is much better. Now I have both hands free to grab more goodies!
GOBO: Marvin’s lackies. Keep feeding your boss as much food as he can eat! (The lackies complied and brought in more wheelbarrows of sweets. Marvin kept inhaling all the food like a giant vacuum making him fatter and heavier.)
A CONFUSED RED: Gobo, what are you doing?!
GOBO: Trust me.
(The Sesame team kept trying to pull the Fraggle team closer, but now they weren’t having much luck.)
BERT: Wait a minute, why aren’t those Fraggle’s budging?
ERNIE: It’s that huge Fraggle at the end! They’ve filled him with so much food that he’s become to heavy to pull into the mud!
GROVER: And now it looks like they are trying to pull us in!
CLIFFORD: Will you look at that? The Fraggle team now has the pulling power and they’re bringing the Sesame team closer to the mud!
(Sure enough, the Fraggle team was pulling with all their might while Marvin was just sitting on the ground, still busy eating and getting heavier.)
BERT: This isn’t fair!
COOKIE: Me say! That big Fraggle is getting lots of food while me eating nothing.
ERNIE: That’s it! It’s time to fight fire with fire!
BERT: What are you up to, Ernie?
ERNIE: This! (Ernie takes out a cell phone while holding onto the rope with his other hand.) Hello, Hooper’s Store? Please send 24 boxes of cookies ASAP! (The minute Ernie puts away his cell phone, a blue delivery man zips in with a crate filled with lots of cookies.)
OSCAR: I know that smell! It’s something sweet and tasty YUCHH! (He puts a clothespin on his nose.)
COOKIE: Cookies from Heaven! Oh, me want some now!
ERNIE: Just a minute, Cookie. Okay, Herry. Can you tie the rope around Cookie Monster’s waist?
HERRY: Sure thing! (Herry wraps the rope around Cookie’s furry waist and ties it tight.)
ERNIE: Okay, Cookie Monster. You can now have your cookies and eat them too!
COOKIE: COWABUNGA! (Cookie starts to grab the cookies and gobble them up making him just as heavy as Large Marvin.)
BERT: Hey, that’s smart thinking, Ern.
ERNIE: Thanks, Bert. Now both sides have an equal advantage.
WEMBLEY: Oh no! We can’t seem to pull the Sesame team anymore!
RED: Now, what do we do oh great and wise leader?!
GOBO: Keep filling Large Marvin with food! (The lackies nod and keep bringing in more food for the fat Fraggle.)
MOKEY: This can’t be good for Marvin’s health.
BOOBER: Or my ears if I hear his arteries pop!
MARVIN: I have no problem with this. (Continues chomping) I’m taking one for the team!
(Clifford and the crowd watch in shock as they watch Cookie Monster and Large Marvin keep eating and eating while the others keep tugging and tugging.)
CLIFFORD: Man, this is way beyond warped! Somehow they’ve forgotten that this is a tug of war match and have turned it into a junk eating match!
MARVIN: More food, lackies!
LACKY 1: Sorry, sir. But there is no more food.
MARVIN: NO MORE FOOD?!
LACKY 2: Nope, we’ve completely cleaned out the snack bars!
MARVIN: Now what’ll I eat?!
RED: Oh, great! Our secret weapon’s run out of fuel!
GOBO: But not that big blue monster on their team! He’s still got plenty of cookies left!
ERNIE: Did you hear that, everybody? The Fraggles have no more fuel left. Okay, Cookie. How about winning this for us, by giving us a huge tug?
COOKIE: BURP! Sure thing! Me have cookie power now! (Cookie grabs the rope and starts to pull the Fraggles, including Large Marvin, closer to the mud.)
RED: It’ll take a miracle to save us, now! (Just then, some bells were heard outside the stadium.)
WEMBLEY: Is that the sound of a miracle?
MARVIN: It’s something even better! It’s the ice cream man! Let me at him! (Marvin starts to run out of the stadium, dragging the rope with the Fraggles still holding it behind him. That did it! The entire Sesame team got pulled into the mud with a huge SPLAT!)
REFEREE: It’s over! The winner of the tug of war match is the Fraggle team!
BERT: Yech! I hate mud!
OSCAR(splashing around happily): I love mud! But I hate sharing it with all of you!
ERNIE: Sorry we didn’t win guys! And I’m sorry we got all dirty too!
HERRY: It’s okay. I play sports a lot so I’m used to getting dirty.
OSCAR: Hmmm, maybe I should play sports more often!
GROVER: Are you okay, Cookie? You did eat a lot of cookies just now.
COOKIE: Okay? Me so hungry! All this mud makes me think of brown gooey chocolate!
BERT: Don’t tell me you’re thinking about eating all this mud?!
OSCAR(holding onto his mud): Don’t you dare!
COOKIE: Of course not! Me want ICE CREAM! (Cookie jumps out of the puddle and runs out the same stadium exit Large Marvin went through.)
CLIFFORD: And there you have it, sports dudes! The Fraggle team wins the tug of war match! They were the only ones who came out clean without getting a mud bath. Normally, I’d be interviewing the winners right now, but I have no idea where they went off to.
* * * * * *
(We see an ice cream truck driving down the street while Large Marvin was chasing after it while the other five Fraggles were still holding onto the rope running behind him.)
GOBO: Marvin, stop running!
MARVIN: Not until I get my ice cream!
RED: We’re gonna be stuck on this rope following after Marvin, forever!
BOOBER: I knew I’d come to the end of my rope one of these days!
WEMBLEY: I’m wondering why we just don’t let go of the rope?
(The five Fraggles look at each other funny and then let go of the rope. Sure enough, our Fraggle five had stopped running while Marvin was still chasing the ice cream truck.)
GOBO: Good thinking, Wembley!
MOKEY: Yes, you saved us!
WEMBLEY(blushing): AWWWW!
(Just then, Cookie Monster zooms past the Fraggles and tries to catch up with Marvin who was trying to catch up with the still moving ice cream truck.)
COOKIE: Come back! Me want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream!
MARVIN: Ditto for me!
* * * * * *
(Back in the main announcer’s box)
LEWIS: And that ends the tug of war match with the Fraggle team claiming the victory. Let’s see what the scoring is now with Digit.
* * * * * *
DIGIT: Well, Lewis. It looks like the Fraggle, Muppet, and Big Blue House teams are tied with 3 points each, while the Sesame team is in last place with 2 points. That Sesame team better pull something out of their sleeves if they want to catch up! Let’s hope their next athlete isn’t wearing a sleeveless tank top. HA HA HA! (Digit then gets a glitch and starts laughing a non-stop, “HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA!”)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: You’d better get your sense of humor circuit replaced, Digit. Anyway, before closing, here’s another report from our Monster on the Spot, Telly.
* * * * * *
TELLY(standing at the other side of the bridge): Thank you, Lewis. I’m back here at the open drawbridge where it’s still open all this time. And all four of our cyclists are at the other end still waiting to cross. And the reason it’s taking so long for the bridge to close is because it looks like a huge parade of boats is passing by. And it looks like there’re hundreds of them.
COUNT: Make that 113 boats, no 114, 115, 116, Oh, I love waiting here counting passing boats! I hope that bridge never goes down!
(The other three cyclists sigh of frustration. Just then, Beaker gets a ring on his cell phone.)
BUNSEN’S VOICE: Hello, Beaker! I’m watching your predicament right now on the big screen, and I’ve prepared something in your bicycle to help you get pass open drawbridges.
A NERVOUS BEAKER: Mee mee mee meep!
BUNSEN: Just trust me, Beaker, like you always do. Just push the button on the center of your handlebars and you’ll propel to victory.
(Beaker sighs as he pushes the button, and suddenly a propeller ejects from the back of the bike and it carries Beaker over the open bridge.)
AN AMAZED BEAKER: Mee, meep?
(The other cyclists and Telly were too busy watching the boats to notice that Beaker was hovering over the open bridge.)
TELLY: Well, it looks like the last of the boats have passed, so the bridge should be closing any minute.
COUNT: That was 128 beautiful boats! HA HA HA HA! (The Count’s trademark lightning appears, striking the propeller on Beaker’s bike.)
BEAKER: MEEEEEEEP! (Beaker was about to fall into the water, until the bridge closed on him. We see Beaker’s head sticking out of the bridge.)
TELLY: Now that the bridge is closed, our bikers can continue the race. Say, what happened to Beaker?
(Beaker painfully twists his head around and sees the three bikers pedaling with all their might. Some dust appears and when it clears, we see a flattened Beaker’s head stuck on the bridge. Beaker’s cell phone rings again and he hits the loudspeaker button.)
BUNSEN: Oh, I’m sorry about that Beaker. But don’t worry. The bridge will open up again in an hour and you’ll be free.
BEAKER(in a flattened voice): MEEP!
* * * * * *
TELLY: And there you have the latest update on our bicycle race. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Lewis.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: And there you have Day 11 of our exciting and pretty weird sporting event. This is Lewis Kazagger saying see you next time for Day 12 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.
NEWSMAN: And this is the Newsman saying don’t let the weight of the world stop you from going out and fulfilling your dreams! (Then a huge 20 ton weight lands on the Newsman squashing him flat.)
LEWIS(shaking his head): You’d think he’d learn to watch his mouth after all these years of things landing on him. Don’t worry, Newsie. A personal announcers’ doctor is on his way to help you.
(But it turns out that the doctor was a green furry monster. He tries to enter the announcer booth, but he ends up getting zapped by the monster detector Newsie had installed earlier.)
AN ANGRY DR. MONSTER: What is this, a joke?! I’ve heard of apples keeping the doctors away, but this is totally twisted! So long, you’re on your own here! (And Dr. Monster takes out a golf club and walks away.)
LEWIS(peeking under the weight): Sorry, Newsie. No doctor for you today! But I’ll see if I can find you a tire pump and pump up back into shape!
NEWSMAN(in a muffled voice): Thanks Lewis. Camera off, now!
(Camera goes off.)
Yeah, I thought a Scaring People contest would fit well in a Muppet competition. 
