Battle of the Muppet All-Stars
By Cullen Pittman
Day 3
(We see Lewis and Newsman sitting at a box right next to a fighting arena.)
LEWIS: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 3 of the Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger.
NEWSMAN: And I’m your friendly neighborhood Newsman.
LEWIS: I suppose you’re wondering why we’re both out here instead of in our announcer booth. Well it’s because a certain friendly neighborhood Newsman ticked off a certain vending machine and it shot our little announcing sanctuary to bits.
NEWSMAN: Hey, that thing just got on my nerves and action needed to be taken!
LEWIS: It’s just as well because we get to have a front row view of our next event, the martial arts competition. In just a few minutes, we’ll see our athletes duke it out in this very ring.
NEWSMAN: And it looks like there’s one of our athletes over there. She’s one of the favorites, the radiant and sometimes dangerous Miss. Piggy. But why is she sitting there on field?
(We see Miss Piggy sitting on the field Indian style with her back turned.)
LEWIS: It looks like she’s meditating. They say that Miss. Piggy is an expert in all kinds of martial arts. This meditating is probably practice to build up her fighting chi.
NEWSMAN: Chi? You mean she’s building up her ham and chis?! Heh heh heh.
LEWIS: Why didn’t I just leave you behind back there?! Anyway, I’m going to go over there to interview her.
NEWSMAN: Please don’t tell her about my ham and chis jokes. I had enough of getting attacked.
AN ANNOYED LEWIS: I won’t make any promises!
(Lewis walks over to Piggy and gently taps her on the shoulder.)
LEWIS: Excuse me, Miss. Piggy. I hate to bother your meditation, but can you give your fans a few words?
PIGGY: Meditation? What are you talking about?
(Lewis turns around and finds Piggy with blue beauty cream on her face with cucumber slices on her eyes and Yolanda Rat applying lipstick on Piggy’s cheeks.)
LEWIS: Oh, sorry. It seems like you were going through make-up-tation! My own little made up word, folks.
PIGGY: Hold on a minute please. (She takes a towel and wipes the stuff off her face and throws the towel over Yolanda.)
PIGGY: Thank you, Yolanda dear. Here’s a quarter. Go by something nice for yourself.
YOLANDA: Thanks a lot, Miss. Piggy. (And then rushes off still covered in the towel.)
PIGGY: Hello Lewis. What can moi do for you?
LEWIS: Miss. Piggy, it is said that not only are you a famous movie star and fashion model, but you know many forms of martial arts which you’ll be displaying in today’s match.
PIGGY: That is true. I’ve been trained in all sorts of martial arts from Swine-Fu to Sow-lin. And alas, I know it will sadden my fans that I won’t be showing the sweet and caring side of Miss. Piggy today. But to be forced to defend moi-self from hostile opponents in the name of competition and for my own dear team. I just hope my dear fans will be able to forgive moi once this oh so violent tournament is over.
LEWIS: Thank you, Miss. Piggy. And I’m sure your fans won’t look down at you at all, but cheer for you to win.
PIGGY: Merci, Lewis. Now when you’re in the editing room, make sure you remove that scene with moi in beauty cream. We do not want the public to see that. Do we?
LEWIS: But I can’t remove that scene. This interview was live.
A SHOCKED PIGGY: Come again?
A NERVOUS LEWIS: It’s live! I’m afraid everyone saw everything!
PIGGY(With a raged look): Are you saying you filmed me in embarrassing beauty cream and cucumber eyes ON LIVE TV?!!!!!
LEWIS(looking at his watch): Oh, look at the time! I got more sports casting to do!
PIGGY: And you’re gonna do your casting in a cast! HIYYYAAAA!
(Piggy socks Lewis sending him flying back to his seat, right next to the Newsman.)
NEWSMAN: You okay?
LEWIS(with his nose stuck in his mouth.) MRRMRLF!
NEWSMAN: While I help give Lewis a nose job, here’s an update about the bicycle race from Telly Monster.
* * * * * *
(We see Telly in the subway.)
TELLY: Thank you, Mr. Newsman. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, reporting live from the subways of New York City. Well, so far, the other 3 cyclists are back on the path and are about to leave the city, except for Traveling Matt, who recently rode into the entrance of a subway, but hasn’t emerged yet. Right now, our camera crew is on a search for the missing Fraggle. Wait a minute, it looks like camera 4 has spotted him.
(We see Matt pedaling over to a turnstile.)
MATT: Well, my faithful two-wheeled creature, we’ve come across quite a pesky obstacle. It’s the species known as the turnstile creature. It has huge silver tentacles that stick out and won’t let you pass unless you feed it. Now if I only had some turnstile creature food. Ah, there’s one!
(Matt looks down on the ground and finds a subway ticket.)
MATT: Here you go you hungry little creature. Down the hatch!
(Matt inserts the ticket into the turnstile slot and it lets him through.)
MATT: Now that the creature’s been fed, it’s time to find our way out of this cave. AAAAAH!
(Matt and his bike end up falling onto some tracks.)
MATT: Are you okay, my dear wheeled friend? (He checks his bike) You look fine, no bones broken. So you won’t have to be put out to pasture. Hmmm, it appears we’re on the trail where the giant yellow-eyed long beasts roam. We’d better be careful, these beasts are super speedy and have been known to make frequent stops and devour any creatures that are nearby with its huge side mouth. Luckily, there don’t seem to be any around right now.
(Matt suddenly hears a rumbling sound and some headlights in the far distance. Matt looks in fear at what was coming.)
MATT: A yellow-eyed long beast!!! Quick, my steed! Move those wheels!
(Matt pedals like mad on his bike and jumps back on the other side as the train zooms past him.)
MATT: Whew! Thank you my noble beast of burden. I wouldn’t be able to survive in this new world without you. And look, there’s the exit of this crazy cave. Let’s ride.
TELLY: Well, it looks like Matt has finally left the subway and is back on the trail. And look, he’s caught up with the other cyclists. And now they’re all leaving the city and heading for the country. With Count leading, Beaker in second, Doc Hog in third, and Matt trying to catch up. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest cross country bicycling update. Now back to our two main sportscasters with another event.
* * * * * *
MARTIAL ARTS
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: Thank you, Telly. Now we’re back with the next event of Day 3, the martial arts tournament.
LEWIS(bending his nose back into shape): Ah, that’s better. Yes, our tournament is about to start any minute and our fans are going wild! Before the match, our athletes drew numbers and the ones who drew numbers 1 and 2 will go first. Whoever wins the first round, will fight whoever drew number 3 in the second, and in the last round, the winner will fight whoever drew number 4. And the last fighter left standing wins.
NEWSMAN: And here comes the fighter who drew number 1. It’s none other than the girl who decked you, Miss. Piggy!
LEWIS: Don’t remind me!
(We see Miss. Piggy sitting on a throne, being carried by two muscular pigs. Then Piggy climbs down, takes off her robe, and shows off a sparkling diamond karate outfit with a jewel covered black belt. The crowd starts to cheer.)
PIGGY: Thank you, everybody. Kissie, kissie!
* * * * * *
(In the Muppet Show dugout.)
KERMIT: What’s Piggy doing? This is supposed to be a martial arts tournament! Not a fashion show!
FOZZIE: Give Piggy a break, Kermit. You know how much she loves to make entrances.
KERMIT: I suppose you’re right. I just hope she doesn’t hurt her competition too bad.
GONZO: I’m just glad she won’t be using her moves on us for a change.
* * * * * *
NEWSMAN: And here comes Miss. Piggy’s opponent. It’s a fighter from the Fraggle team. And he looks like a huge heavyweight.
LEWIS: It’s Large Marvin. Otherwise known as the world’s fattest Fraggle.
(Large Marvin walks to the arena while eating a bucket of pancakes that a Fraggle lacky is holding. Marvin tries to climb into the arena, but can’t.)
MARVIN: A little help here, please. (The two Fraggle lackies push Marvin up onto the arena. Then the scrunched down Fraggles waddle off to the medical tent.)
A SHOCKED PIGGY: Holy Guacamole!
MARVIN: Oooh! Is there guacamole around?
PIGGY: You must way a ton!
MARVIN: I happen to be big boned.
PIGGY: You mean from eating dinosaur bones?!
REFEREE: Now you two, I want a nice clean fight and no hitting below the belt.
PIGGY: I can’t even see that guy’s belt with his stomach hanging over it!
REFEREE: Now shake hands and start fighting at the sound of the bell.
(Marvin and Piggy shake hands. And Piggy notices her purple gloved hand is all sticky.)
PIGGY: What the heck is this stuff?
MARVIN: Oh, I guess it’s the syrup from my pancake snack. Here, let me get that off of you.
(Marvin takes Piggy’s hand and starts slurping off the syrup.)
A HORRIFIED PIGGY: YUCCCH!
(The bell starts to ring.)
LEWIS: And the bell has rung! It’s time to start the first round.
PIGGY: You’re gonna pay for that disgusting display! PIG POWER PUNCH! HIYAAA!
(Piggy strikes Marvin in the gut, but it didn’t hurt him one bit.)
PIGGY: What the…? Why aren’t you knocked down?!
(Piggy starts to chop Marivn some more, but all that did was make his huge belly jiggle. Then Marvin lets out a loud, BURP, knocking Piggy back.)
MARVIN: Thank you. I needed to release all that gas for months.
PIGGY: GRRRRR! You think that’s funny?! I got other moves! SUPER SWINE STRIKE! HIYAAA!
(Piggy slams her body against Marvin’s, but all that did was made her bounce off of him and hit the ropes.)
PIGGY: All right then, CURLY TAILED KICK! HIYAAA!
(This time, Piggy jumps in the air, spins around like a tornado, and tries to kick Marvin non-stop. But it didn’t seem to hurt the fat Fraggle at all. Marvin just yawned while standing there.)
NEWSMAN: Amazing! No matter how many awesome moves Miss. Piggy is displaying, Large Marvin does not seemed phased at all!
LEWIS: Obviously all that blubber in his body is protecting his vital organs. So all that Marvin has to do is just stand there and let his fat absorb all of Miss. Piggy’s blows.
NEWSMAN: This could be bad, Lewis. If everyone in America is watching this, they might think obesity is the way to go!
* * * * * *
(In the Fraggle dugout.)
WEMBLEY: Way to go Large Marvin! Show off those cool moves!
RED: Wembley, Large Marvin isn’t moving at all. He’s just standing there while the pig’s doing all the cool moves.
* * * * * *
(In the Muppet Show dugout.)
FOZZIE: That big Fraggle doesn’t seem to be hurt at all!
GONZO: Hey, maybe I should build up some blubber when I do my stunts.
KERMIT: This is terrible! Piggy’s just gonna tire herself out if she keeps up all this pointless fighting!
PEPE: Somebody not getting hurt by Miss. Piggy? That’s way too shocking!
FLOYD: What’s even more shocking is that Miss. Hamhocks is actually the thin one in this picture. HA HA HA!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Yes, just as predicted. It looks like Miss. Piggy is losing her energy. And her attacks are slowing down.
PIGGY(now tapping Marvin’s stomach): PANT, PANT! Why won’t you fall down?! PANT, PANT.
MARVIN: Okay, I think I’ll sit on you now.
(Marvin jumps in the air and lands on Piggy causing her to scream.)
LEWIS: Whoa! It looks like Large Marvin might win this first round and make Miss. Piggy the first fighter to be eliminated!
NEWSMAN: We’ll see once the referee makes the count.
REFEREE: One!
(We see Marvin still sitting on Piggy while Piggy lies there with her eyes bugging out of her head big time.)
REFEREE: Two!
PIGGY: GASP! It feels like a sack of lard is crushing me! GASP! No, make that 10 sacks! GASP!
REFEREE: Three!
MARVIN: I think I’ll celebrate my victory with another snack.
(Marvin takes out a huge sandwich and starts chomping on it while crumbs fall on Piggy’s face.)
REFEREE: Four!
PIGGY: How humiliating! GASP! What is that stuff?! GASP! It smells familiar!
REFEREE: Five!
MARVIN: Oh, it’s a new sandwich I just discovered. It’s a ham, bacon, sausage, and porkchop sandwich.
REFEREE: Six!
PIGGY! WHAAAATT?!!!!
REFEREE: Seven!
MARVIN: Boy, I wonder where all this great stuff comes from? Maybe from some dumb animal? Do you want a bite?
REFEREE: Eight!
AN ENRAGED PIGGY: GRRRRRR!
REFEREE: Nine!
PIGGY: You’ve just signed your death warrant, Fatso! HIYAAAAA!
(Piggy ends up kicking Marvin off her causing him to land on the arena, almost causing an earthquake.)
LEWIS HOLDING ONTO HIS SEAT: Whoa! It looks like Miss. Piggy’s back on her feet again and boy is she ever steamed!
NEWSMAN: Don’t you mean smoked. Like a smoked ham?!
AN ANGRY PIGGY: You’re next, wiseguy!
NEWSMAN: GULP!
(Piggy’s starts to scream as her eyes glow a white color, her hair sticks up, and the image of a wild boar appears in the background.)
* * * * * *
KERMIT: Uh oh! I was afraid of this.
FOZZIE: Kermit, what’s Miss. Piggy doing?
KERMIT: She once told me about this. It’s the full extent of her power. She only releases it when someone makes her really mad!
FOZZIE: But I thought we’ve seen Miss. Piggy get really mad many times!
GONZO: Obviously, no one has ever eaten a pork sandwich while sitting on top of her.
* * * * * *
A NERVOUS MARVIN: Was it something I ate?
PIGGY: WILD BOAR BAZOOKA BLAAAAST! HIYAAAAA!
(Piggy makes a glowing fist and swishes it at the speed of light socking Marvin in the stomach. That huge force of nature sent Marvin out of the area and flying into the sky out of sight.)
LEWIS: He’s going, going, gone!
REFEREE: Large Marvin has been knocked out of the arena! The winner of the first round is Miss. Piggy!
(The crowd becomes silent at first, but then starts to cheer.)
PIGGY NOW SMILING AGAIN: Ha, ha, ha! Oh, thank you! Thank you all my adoring fans! Kissie, kissie!
LEWIS: Talk about a new way of removing fat! Miss Piggy has unleashed some mystical unknown power and defeated the world’s fattest Fraggle. Now she gets to move on to her next opponent. What are your thoughts, Newsie? Uh, Newsie?
(Lewis finds Newsman gone and footprints scattered over to the exit.)
LEWIS: Oh yeah, that H-A-M crack he made earlier.
(Kermit quickly rushes over to a proud Piggy.)
KERMIT: Piggy, are you all right? Don’t you think you should rest before you take on your next challenger?
PIGGY: No thank you, Kermie Dear. I’m just getting warmed up!
KERMIT: Are you sure? That amazing attack I just saw must’ve taken a lot out of you!
PIGGY: Oh, sweet misunderstanding Kermie! You do not seem to understand the power of Swine-Fu. Once I release the power of my Wild Boar Bazooka Blast, my full fighting energy gets restored!
KERMIT: Really?
PIGGY: But of course. Let moi show you by kissing you non-stop!
KERMIT: Okay, I believe you. Good luck in the next round!(Kermit rushes back to the dugout.)
LEWIS: And now it’s time for the second round. Miss. Piggy will now be facing an opponent from the Sesame Street team.
PIGGY: I’m ready! I’ll take on any chump any size!
(Everyone starts hearing a cute little la la song as Elmo climbs up into the arena.)
LEWIS: Yes, it looks like the next opponent is that loveable red monster, Elmo.
ELMO: Hello Miss. Piggy. Elmo’s gonna try and beat you today.
PIGGY: You’ve got to be kidding!
* * * * * *
(In the Sesame dugout.)
BERT: Elmo taking on Miss. Piggy? Whose idea was that?
(Ernie silently raises his hand.)
BERT: Ernie, how could you do this to Little Elmo?! He can’t take on that pig fighting machine! Why not Herry or Snuffy? They’re bigger and stronger!
ERNIE: Trust me, Bert. I have a feeling Elmo will come out of this okay.
BERT: You’d better. Or else we’ll have to give Elmo’s World to somebody else.
* * * * * *
REFEREE: Let the second round begin!
PIGGY: This should be a piece of cake. One gentle knockdown and I’ll win this round too.
(Just as Piggy was about to touch Elmo, some kids in the crowd started shouting at her.)
LITTLE BOY: No, please don’t hurt Elmo! We love him!
LITTLE GIRL: Elmo never did anything to you! Why do you want to hurt him?
A PUZZLED PIGGY: Say, what?!!
AN OLD LADY IN THE CROWD: They’re right you mean old bully pig! Don’t you dare harm sweet little Elmo!
A GIRL: Yeah, he’s much smaller and cuter than you!
PIGGY: Cuter than moi?!!
A GUY: We’re warning you, Piggy! If you hurt Elmo in any way, we’ll never be fans of yours again!
(The entire crowd starts yelling and booing at Piggy.)
PIGGY: I don’t believe this! My fans have turned against moi!
(Elmo climbs on top of Piggy’s back and then puts her in a harmless headlock.)
ELMO: Elmo’s gonna pin you down and win this match for Elmo’s friends.
CROWD: DON’T HURT ELMO! DON’T HURT ELMO!
PIGGY: Why is this happening?! (Piggy starts getting madder and madder as Elmo continues his hold on her.)
LEWIS: This is outrageous! Miss. Piggy was once the most fearsome fighter in the first round, but in the second round, she’s just standing there while this cute little monster is trying to pin her down. Will Elmo succeed?!
* * * * * *
ERNIE: See Bert, I had this planned all along.
BERT: You’re right, Ernie. Not even the violent Miss. Piggy would have the indecency to hurt a sweet little monster like Elmo.
ERNIE: Yeah, otherwise Elmo’s fans might hurt her.
* * * * * *
(The Muppet Show team watches horrified as they see Piggy just standing there while Elmo continues his headlock on her.)
KERMIT: Poor Piggy! She’s sure in a tough situation.
GONZO: I just wish I had that little monster’s cute face and charm.
PEPE: Yeah, then maybe Miss. Piggy won’t strike us anymore.
* * * * * *
ELMO: Miss Piggy give up yet? Elmo can do this all day.
PIGGY: What can I do?! If I throw this little red pest off my back, my turncoat fans will hate moi forever! But if I let him win, I’ll look like a huge chump in front of everyone! Not only that, his fur is starting to tickle my throat. Wait a minute. That’s it!
(Piggy yanks Elmo off her back and pins him to the floor.)
LITTLE BOY: OH NO! She’s gonna hurt Elmo after all!
LITTLE GIRL: I can’t look!
(Both kids cover their eyes imaging the cries of pain Elmo might make. But instead, they hear Elmo laughing. They uncover their eyes and see a surprise. Miss. Piggy was tickling Elmo’s stomach.)
ELMO: HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE! No No, Miss. Piggy! Elmo’s ticklish! HEE HEE!
PIGGY: So what else is new in the world? (And she continues tickling him.)
OLD LADY: Wait a minute. She’s not hurting Elmo. She’s just tickling him. That’s so cute!
GIRL: Yeah, we love it when Elmo gets tickled! Let’s encourage Miss. Piggy on!
(The crowd starts cheering for Piggy.)
LEWIS: What a crazy turn of events! At first, the fans were cheering for Miss. Piggy, then they were booing her, and now they’re cheering for her again!
* * * * * *
BIG BIRD: Oh no! They’ve discovered Elmo’s weakness!
BERT: Ernie, didn’t you know about this?!
ERNIE: I assumed Miss. Piggy lived in the adult world and didn’t know about those Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls!
* * * * * *
ELMO: HA HA HA HEE HEE! No Stop! HA HA! Elmo want to throw in the towel! HEE HEE!
(A towel flies into the arena and Elmo catches it.)
REFEREE: Elmo has thrown in the towel. Miss. Piggy wins the second round!
(The crowd starts cheering as well as the Muppet Show team.)
LEWIS: Amazing, Miss. Piggy has won the next round without having to hurt anyone. Except that she may have tickled a few life spans out of Elmo though.
(As Piggy waves to her fans, two monsters come in with a stretcher, put the laughing Elmo on it, and walk off.)
ERNIE: Elmo, are you gonna be okay?
ELMO STILL GIGGLING: Yeah, Elmo just needs some rest and maybe watch a few sad movies to get back to normal. Hee Hee!
LEWIS: Now Miss. Piggy can move on to the final match, where she’ll take on the fighter from the Big Blue House team, where the victor of this match will win the whole event.
(Piggy then looks over to the Big Blue House dugout.)
PIGGY: Which one of you wants to rumble with the pig?! I can take on all of you!
TUTTER: Oh, Bear. That pig scares me!
PIGGY(pointing to Bear): How about you, Fuzzy?! Come up here and I’ll turn you into a bear-skin rug!
OJO: A bear skin rug?! What a horrible thought!
BEAR: Clam down, Ojo. She was just exaggerating. Actually, Miss. Piggy, I have just the opponent who would be perfect for you.
PIGGY: Well, bring on the fresh meat!
BEAR(starts singing): Oh, where oh where oh where is Shadow? Where oh where oh where is Shadow? Where oh where oh where is Shadow? Where can Shadow be?
PIGGY: What the heck are you babbling about?
(Suddenly a shadow of a little girl appears in the arena.)
SHADOW: Hi there, little pig. Ready to do, if you’ll excuse the pun, some shadow boxing? Ha ha ha!
PIGGY: Oh, please! Your jokes are almost as bad as Fozzie’s. Now get up here. All I see is your shadow!
SHADOW: But that’s all I am you silly piggy. I’m Shadow!
PIGGY: Come again?
LEWIS: That’s right! This is Shadow, a member of the Big Blue House who is nothing but a living shadow. This should make quite an interesting match.
REFEREE: Let the final round begin!
PIGGY: I don’t know what kind of freak you are, but no mere shadow is gonna get the best of Miss. Piggy! HIYAAAA!
(Piggy tries to chop Shadow, but her hand goes right through the shadow.)
A SURPRISED PIGGY: What, the….?
SHADOW: Ha ha ha ha! Didn’t expect that, did you?
* * * * * *
FLOYD: I pretty much did!
KERMIT: Oh no! There’s no way Piggy can hurt a shadow. It doesn’t look good for her at all!
FOZZIE: What does she mean her jokes are almost as bad as mine? My jokes are much worse! Wait a minute! I didn’t like how that sounded!
* * * * * *
WALDORF: Hey Statler. Did you ever come across a really tough shadow in your life?
STATLER: I’ll say. This five o’ clock shadow that won’t come off, no matter how much I shaved this morning! (And Statler points to his fuzzy cheek.)
* * * * * *
LEWIS: Unbelievable, Miss. Piggy just keeps swinging and kicking with all her might, but that Shadow is just standing there unharmed!
PIGGY: PANT, PANT! No matter what! PANT PANT! I’m gonna find a way to beat you, Miss. Shady!
SHADOW: Aw, you seem a little tired. I think a nice story is what you need to relax.
(Shadow suddenly grows and transforms into a huge black dome, covering the entire arena along with Piggy.)
LEWIS: Now this is outrageous to the max! Some kind of shadow dome has covered the entire area and we see no signs of our fighters!
* * * * * *
GONZO: Wow, this is almost like something you’d see in one of those Japanese fighting cartoons.
KERMIT: Poor Piggy!
* * * * * *
(Piggy finds herself in a dark netherworld where everything is pitch-black.)
PIGGY: What’s going on here?! I can’t see my purple glove in front of my face!
SHADOW’S VOICE: And now for the story of the 3 little pigs.
(A light shines and we see 3 shadow pig puppets dancing around.)
SHADOW: One upon a time, there were 3 little pigs, who loved to dance and play.
PIGGY: How did I suddenly get in the middle of a kids’ shadow puppet show?
SHADOW: Then all of a sudden came a big bad wolf, who chases the little pigs away.
(A shadow of a scary wolf appears and growls at the pigs causing them to run.)
WOLF: Aw poo! All my delicious pigs are gone! Wait a minute, I see one more pig. One plump, delicious, meaty pig! (He slowly approaches a terrified Piggy.)
PIGGY: S-s-stay away from me, whatever you are! (And she raises her hands in defense!)
WOLF: Suppertime! (And the wolf jumps on Piggy, covering her in a smoky shadow!)
PIGGY: AAAAAAHHHH! STOP THIS! I SURRENDER! MAKE THIS MADNESS GO AWAY! PLEASE!
Suddenly, the black dome disappears and everyone sees the arena again, along with Shadow standing proudly and Miss. Piggy on the floor, quivering in fear.
LEWIS: I don’t know what happened in that dome, but it looks like Shadow might’ve gotten the win.
REFEREE: Do you want to continue, Miss. Piggy?
A SHAKING PIGGY: Are you out of your mind?! That’s one of the most twisted fighters I ever had to deal with! I give up!
REFEREE: You heard the lady! Shadow is the winner. The Big Blue House Team wins the martial arts event!
(The Big Blue House Team cheers!)
TUTTER: Wow, Bear. I never knew Shadow had that kind of power.
BEAR: I guess I never asked her, and I’m thankful I never did.
(Shadow bows to her cheering fans and then floats over to Bear.)
SHADOW: How did I do, Bear?
BEAR: Very good, Shadow. You won us the match! But will Miss. Piggy be okay? She looks really shaken.
SHADOW: She’ll be fine. My methods are like shadows. They’ll eventually fade away. And now it’s time for me to fade away. And if you ever need me for another sport, just call. HA HA HA HA! (And Shadow fades out of sight.)
* * * * * *
(Waldorf and Statler watch as the same monster orderlies carry the shaking Piggy away on a stretcher.)
WALDORF: What do you call that?
STATLER: Shake N’ Bacon!
W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!
(Kermit and his team rush over to Piggy.)
KERMIT: Piggy, are you okay? What did that shadow do to you?! Speak to me!
(Piggy grabs Kermit and hugs him, causing Kermit’s eyes to bug out.)
PIGGY: Oh Kermie! You would not believe the horrible things I saw! Just hold me please!
KERMIT(gasping for air): Anything for you Piggy. Just as long as you let go and let me do the holding for both of us!
* * * * * *
LEWIS: And there you have it, the end of the martial arts tournament. It looked like Miss. Piggy was about to take home the victory, but in the end, a mysterious warrior from the land of shadows came and stripped the pig of her winning streak, giving the Big Blue House team the win. Digit, what’s the score now?
* * * * * *
(We see Digit at the scoreboard taking out another cord from his chest and plugging it into the Big Blue House section on the board, giving that team a 1.)
DIGIT: Well, it turns out both the Big Blue House and the Fraggle teams each have one point. While the Sesame and Muppet Show teams have zero.
* * * * * *
LEWIS: So it looks like the Fraggle and the Big Blue House teams are tied for first place so far. Can they keep their leads and can the other two teams catch up? We’ll find out on Day 4 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars.
(Newsman sneaks back up to the announcer’s desk.)
NEWSMAN: Does that pig still want to pulverize me?
LEWIS: No, Newsie. After what she went through, I don’t think Miss. Piggy will be doing any pulverizing for a while.
NEWSMAN: What a relief! We get to close this broadcast without me getting flattened. By the way, what ever happened to that fat Fraggle that got knocked out of the area?
LEWIS: I think your question will be answered in a few seconds. Look up!
(Newsman raises his head and sees a tiny black dot in the sky. Then it starts to get bigger and bigger and it starts to scream, until it turns into a huge fat Fraggle who falls really fast and lands right on top of the Newsman, flattening him.)
MARVIN: That was a wild ride. You got any candy, Mr. Sportscaster?
LEWIS: All I have is some aspirin. (He tries to push some of the pills under Marvin’s butt.)
MARVIN: Uh, excuse me! That’s my bottom, my mouth is up here.
LEWIS: They’re not really for you. They’re for my friend you’re sitting on.
MARVIN: Oh, sorry! (Marvin gets up and sees the Newsman, now flat as a pancake. Lewis tries to shove some pills into his flat mouth, leaving small lumps in his flat throat.)
NEWSMAN: Just end this broadcast, please.
(The camera goes out.)
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I guess everyone has different opinions about different things, so I won't let it get me down. All your praises WAY make up for that one bad one. 
