I'm sorry for making y'all (I'm from Georgia, where that is a real word) wait so long for this chapter. This is no way to run a railroad. The gap is partly because I've had a lot of stuff going on in my life, but mainly stupid ol' writer's block. But I was able to pick it up again last week and start fresh.
So, here you go. Enjoy, I hope.
*****
Once in a Lifetime
Part 19: Worse Comes to Worst
by Kim McFarland
*****
The hour right before the show was a hurricane: either stormy or calm, depending on where you were. Backstage right was definitely not the eye. Miss Piggy was herding the girls around, and they were being more of a handful than they had been before. Now that their awe had worn off they had apparently been taking prima donna lessons from Piggy, and it was visibly wearing on her nerves. Kermit had been hashing the details of the show out with Scooter, and now Scooter was running the copier as fast as it would go. Overall, the backstage atmosphere was a bit more tense than usual, but not entirely out of the norm for the Muppets.
The girls, having had their fun with Piggy, began crowding around Kermit. "What'ya doing?" Julie asked, and the others chimed in on the theme.
Kermit replied, "I'm going over the set list for the show."
"Can I see?" Kate reached for some of the paper on the desk.
Kermit covered the pages protectively with one hand, trying not to look too aggravated, and called over his shoulder, "Piggy!"
She appeared and shouted, "Girls?
Knock it off!" The girls froze in place, looking shocked by her outburst.
Kermit said, "Can you please show them someplace that's a little less busy?"
"I'm busy too," she huffed.
"Could have fooled me," Kermit muttered and turned back to the desk, his back firmly toward them.
Scooter bustled in, a stack of yellow sheets of paper in his hands. "Script change pages! One for everyone! Get 'em while they're hot!"
Fozzie, who had been quietly staying out of the way—a strategy that years of experience had shown to be the wisest method of dealing with Kermit and Piggy's squabbles—took one, asking, "A script change this close to the show? Are we going to have a meeting about it?"
Kermit answered, "No time. Just read it."
"Well, okay," Fozzie said, surprised. It was unusual that they amended the script so soon before a show. They might drastically change an act on a whim, but that rarely made it to paper. As others took their sheets he saw that the scene in question came at the very beginning of the show. He scanned the page; Scooter had drawn a vertical line to the left of the changed text to call attention to it. Fozzie read, moving his lips slightly, "Scooter, voiceover via intercom. Now hear this. Tonight's show is going to be a little different. Whatever happens backstage, go with it!" He looked up again, wondering why they had seen fit to make a last-minute script just for that one line. He was about to ask Kermit when he saw the frog being pestered by girls who had been so nice before, and Miss Piggy and Scooter ineffectually trying to curb their unruly guests, when it clicked in his head. He said appreciatively, "Ahhhh."
While Kermit was looking around his glance passed over the
Teeny Weeny Queenies camera and sound crew. They were filming it all, and the director looked interested.
Scooter said urgently, "Ah, Miss Piggy-"
"What?!"
He flinched and held his clipboard up as a shield. She said in an overly sweet tone, "What can
moi do for
vous? And make it snappy."
"Could you come with me a minute?"
"Fine. Kermie, keep an eye on the little dears, would you?"
"Oh, certainly. Why not?" he replied in a tone of voice that said "Like I have a choice?"
Fozzie watched as Scooter took Miss Piggy aside and whispered something to her. She listened, then nodded grudgingly. Scooter scampered off to the backstage crossing. Piggy said, "Girls, come here. Dears? Hey!
Get over here, chop-chop!"
Hearing one of the key words they had agreed on—"chop-chop" meant "no kidding, do it now"—the girls finally left Kermit. She gathered then in close and said in a very low voice, "During the theme song you're going to take Scooter's spot in the arches. He'll start out there, in the third tier on this side. Just swarm him, he'll act like you're pushing him aside."
"Is that safe?" Pepper wondered. The third tier was high up.
"There's a rail behind it. It's safe, but don't actually push him," Piggy answered.
"That sounds like fun," Kate remarked.
"Anyway, just make it look like you can't wait to get in front of the cameras. Got it?"
"Yeah!" they all whispered.
The show's theme started, and the curtains parted, revealing the arches. Janken watched the scene on his monitors. He was briefly alarmed when he saw a flurry of movement in one of the upper left arches. The girls had invaded one of the arches. Scooter appeared to fall backward, but Janken quickly realized that it was just an act; if he had actually fallen he would have passed behind the lower arches. Still, it was a minute before Janken's heart rate returned to normal.
After the song Kermit went onstage to introduce Sam's brief editorial. The rest of the Muppets were climbing down from the arches, which were then flown into the flyspace. Scooter appeared to be the worse for wear, his glasses askew. He looked as if he was about to speak to Piggy. As he drew in a breath to speak she shot him a dangerous glare, one that said that she was already fully aggravated, and the next person to annoy her would win a jackpot of her ire. He stopped, recalculating his chances, then quickly went on his way. Meanwhile, Bobby Benson was helping his babies get into place for their number.
**
By the time the first video cutscene was played the girls had conspired to raid the Wardrobe department, and mimicked Sam behind his back while he lectured them on proper behavior for young girls. Kermit thought, did Sam really not know what a wonderful straight man he was? He was amazingly good at being oblivious. He had never admitted to being anything other than utterly serious at all times, and yet he could roll with the punches. Today's assault on his dignity was Tessie's mimicry, which he somehow didn't manage to spot. But he had his back turned to them most of the time, which allowed them to have their fun and which would look good for the camera. Kermit smiled inwardly. Sam had to have a sense of humor, even if he would deny it to his dying day.
While the cutscene was playing Scooter went over to Janken's station. "Everything going okay?"
"Sure. Why?"
"It's been nuts on the other side. You're lucky you're over here."
"What's going on over there? I saw what happened with the arches," Janken said, concerned. "By the way, you missed your line. Going to dub it in later?"
Scooter hadn't had time to fill Janken in on the conspiracy, and he didn't have much time now. The penguins were ready for their western sketch, and the Siberian saloon scenery was being hustled into place while the cutscene played for the audience. "The pageant show was about to pull out, Piggy said, because things weren't interesting enough. So they're giving 'em some drama to film."
"The note meant to go along with that?"
"Yeah."
"Ohhhh. Gotcha. Is the action gonna come over to this side?"
"Probably not, but I can't be sure. Be ready, just in case."
"Will do."
**
Janken did his job, working with the cameras and lights and wishing he could see what was happening backstage right. Sometimes he was glad that he was out of the center of action, but today he would have liked to see what was going on.
Right before the final cutscene Scooter ran over to stage left. "Jan! Don't roll the video! Cut to camera seventeen instead!"
That was one of the hand cameras. "Where is it?" Janken said, his finger over the proper button.
"We put it backstage right. We're gonna do it live instead!"
"'Kay." Janken waited for the cue, then hit the button.
Miss Piggy was clearly at her wits' end with the girls. There were only six of them, but they did a good impression of several dozen. She snarled, one step away from a complete loss of control, "That's it! I've
had it!" She paused, then whimpered desperately, "What's it gonna take to keep you kids
quiet?!"
The girls exchanged glances, then went into a huddle. When they emerged Julie asked innocently, "Could we see the wardrobe room?"
Relieved, Piggy said, "Of course!
Moi would be
enchanté to show you the wardrobe room!" She beckoned, and the girls and a few babies followed her in a little herd. She unlocked the door and held it open when they crowded in, excitedly looking at all the glamorous costumes. Miss Piggy said, "Enjoy yourselves. If you have any questions, just talk to Hilda." She closed the door, then deftly locked it and pocketed the key.
"And switch to the stage," Scooter said under his breath. It was unnecessary; Janken knew his cues. He swapped to the cameras which were filming Kermit introducing Marvin Suggs. When that act was underway Janken, his eyes on the monitor, asked, "How much of that skit was planned?"
Scooter replied, "Scripted? None of it. They talked about what they wanted to do, and Piggy gave them a pep talk on the Stanislavsky system, and then they just went with it."
"Seriously? Wow," Janken said. He was impressed that anyone could ad-lib on camera; he himself stayed firmly backstage because of his stage fright. And these were kids!
Some people have it and some don't, he thought.
**
The show onstage continued as planned. For a little while the backstage area was calm, as the girls were unaware that they were locked in the wardrobe room. But eventually they escaped, and by an amazing coincidence they did so just in time to rush the stage in the costumes they had claimed and do their song. And by an equally amazing coincidence, Miss Piggy discovered their escape just in time to make her cue at the end of the act.
The
Teeny Weeny Queenies staff filmed it all. The director thought to herself that is was fishy that everything would break loose on the third show when it went so smoothly on the first two. The Muppets were known for backstage chaos, but how much of it was real?
She found a sheet of yellow paper. It was one of the script change pages that Scooter had been handing around. She picked it up. The line in the margin called her attention to one line—one that hadn't been spoken.
**
Carrying his fish buckets, Lew Zealand walked out onstage to the tune of
The Toreador's Song from
Carmen. As before, he began tossing them, first one at a time, then in pairs. Their scales flashed in the stage lights as they arced over the audience.
Soon, however, the fish stopped returning. Lew found himself empty-handed. Spotlights began searching around the audience. They converged at the end of the aisle balcony. Gonzo was standing there, his hands full of fish. He began pitching them back. Lew tried to catch them, but they boomeranged away from him, some even orbiting him, none coming within reach.
The audience ripped with laughter. Billie, standing in the seat just beside the aisle, giggled delightedly. Daddy had told her that they planned something new so they could surprise everyone. When he stood up and started singing something—she didn't understand the words, he wasn't singing loudly enough—the fish started coming to him. He caught them and dropped them into a water-filled bucket he had snuck in inside a giant-sized butter tub.
After the audience had had a good laugh Lew began singing in a surprisingly operatic baritone,
"Le cirque est plein, c'est jour de fête!
Le cirque est plein du haut en bas;
Les spectateurs, perdent la tête,
Les spectateurs s'interpellent
Á grand fracas !"
The next two fish curved out of Gonzo's reach and smacked smartly into Lew's hands. Gonzo tossed a pair of fish sidearm and countered with,
"People shout, people yell and holler
With a din that tears the place apart!
They’re celebrating men of valor!
Celebrating the brave of heart!"
He pitched another two fish. As they whizzed through the air Lew sang,
"Toréador, en garde! Toréador! Toréador!
Et songe bien, oui, songe en combattant
Qu'un œil noir te regarde,
Et que l'amour t'attend,
Toréador, l'amour, l'amour t'attend!"
The two continued singing the Toreador Song, Lew in the original French and Gonzo in a loose English translation, as they tossed the fishes to each other, juggling them above the audience's heads. They kept it going until the end of the song. Gonzo missed a few of Lew's fancier pitches, but that didn't spoil the act. The fish knew what to do.
When Lew had caught the last fish and dropped it into a bucket to rest he took a bow. The resulting applause him. He'd never seen an audience get so excited by his act. Finally, they appreciated his art! Gratified, he picked up the buckets and escorted his co-stars offstage.
As he passed by Kermit's desk the frog said, "I had no idea you could sing like that! Why aren't you in the musical numbers?"
Lew replied, "Well, anyone can sing. But who else can throw fish away and have them come back to them?"
Kermit had no reply for that. Beauregard, who had been listening, nodded. "That makes sense."
**
From that point on things were a little calmer backstage. The girls, having won their battle for the stage, decided to be magnanimous in victory to the defeated Miss Piggy. They even took their bows together, hand in hand, with the girls practically dragging Miss Piggy onstage and her practically dragging them off again.
And then the show was over and the audience had cleared out. The act was over. The girls clustered around Miss Piggy in an impromptu gang hug. "That was
the best!" Tessie exclaimed. The others agreed.
She knelt down and gathered as many of them in her arms as she could. "You girls were wonderful!
Trés magnifique!"
They didn't want to let her go, and she didn't want to see them leave. So, they compromised by walking out to the studio limousines in a cluster. As they got in she said, "I'll see you in the studio tomorrow!
Au revoir, ma chéries!"
As the cars pulled away little hands stuck out of the windows and waved. She waved back. The cars turned a corner, and she turned to go back inside to change into her street clothes. The
Teeny Weeny Queenies film crew was stowing their gear. The Director said quietly, "Miss Piggy."
She walked over. "Yes?" she said sweetly.
"That was all planned, wasn't it."
All innocence, Piggy said, "Why, whatever do you mean?"
The Director held up the change page. "You don't really think I'd believe those girls would act like brats after two perfect nights, do you?" she said calmly.
"Okay, you got me there." Piggy shrugged. "You wanted drama, didn't you? Well, you got it. Your viewers don't have to know which night it happened on."
"Are your attorneys going to give us flak about what footage we can use?"
"Au contraire, we put on that whole act for you! Our attorneys have been instructed to let you use whatever film you shot backstage tonight, and to offer you some of our backstage footage if you like." She paused, then grinned and followed up with just a touch of smugness. "Those girls sure did put on an act, didn't they? They're too good to just walk around looking pretty."
The Director didn't answer immediately. She considered carefully before speaking. "Miss Piggy, I asked to have you on our show. I stuck my neck out for this. I thought that you would bring more depth to the show than squabbling stage mothers," she said quietly. "These girls look up to you. I'll see you in the studio tomorrow."
She got into the van while Miss Piggy was trying to figure out how to answer that.
**
When Miss Piggy walked back into the theater Kermit said, "Wow, Piggy. You handled that amazingly."
She looked up. "Eh? Oh, yes. Well,
moi is amazing," she said distractedly.
"You were right, they really do have potential. I wouldn't mind seeing them again."
"Yes. Oh, speaking of which, Kermie, I have a little teeny favor to ask of you..."
**
Janken was waiting at his console. He had been showing Lew and Gonzo, and a number of innocent bystanders, how their fish juggling act had looked on camera. He wished he had known what they had planned so he could have set up a few cameras at strategic angles, but there would be no point in saying that now. Billie had gotten a big kick out of the footage, both for seeing her daddy in the show after all, and pointed excitedly when she spotted herself in the audience behind him.
Now Janken was reading a website. Scooter came up to him. "We're clear. You can shut down."
"'Kay," Janken said, a disturbed expression on his face.
"Huh? Something wrong?"
"Uh, no. It's just, I read something and I don't know how to take it."
"What is it?" Scooter asked.
"Well, um, it's an article about your video. I saw the link on a message board. And, um, the article's by Fleet."
"Oh boy." Scooter rolled his eyes. He had not been looking forward to this. "Eh, that's life. I knew I'd catch some flak. So he ripped me up. Don't worry about it. I won't."
"No, it's not like that. It's…well, I don't understand."
Scooter said, "All right, show it to me."
"Hold on, let me find it."
Janken went back to the message board and found the link again. It led to a page within
The Daily Scandal's website. Janken got out of the chair, and Scooter sat down. Janken laid a hand on his shoulder as he read the headline:
Queer as Felt. Scooter shook his head. "He doesn't mince words, does he."
The article read:
The Muppets' latest video has made more of a splash than usual. Instead of being their usual vaudeville retreads, one of their own—Scooter—has made an "It Gets Better" video. Yes, that's right, now we have a gay Muppet.
This is news?
Look, these days you can't turn on the TV or surf the web or read a comic book without seeing someone gay. They're leaping out of closets like caffeine-crazed rabbits. They're in Olympic teams, football fields, and (rumor has it) women's tennis courts. Now a showtune-singing Muppet is admitting he's gay? Is anyone surprised?
Fine, he's gay. So what? What's the big deal? Does anyone care what he does to who and with which bits? He's going to have to work harder than that if he wants to compete with chicken-lover Gonzo or lizard-fetishist Piggy.
If Scooter and whoever plan to take a road trip and get married, more power to 'em, but they'd better hurry if they want to do it while it's still worth reporting.
Scooter said, "Well, I didn't expect
that."
Worriedly Janken asked, "What's it mean? I mean, I understand the words, but…"
Scooter smiled. Jan really did look baffled. Jan was smart, but he did sometimes miss things due to his different cultural background. "He could have torn me a new one. Instead he said 'who cares?' I'll count that as a win."
"Really?"
"Yep."
Janken shook his head. "Silly Creatures."
Scooter gave him a quick peck on the cheek. "C'mon, shut your station down and forget about it. Let's go home."
*****
Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Lew Zealand, Gonzo, Beauregard, Hilda, Marvin Suggs, Bobby Benson, and Scooter are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. All other named characters are copyright © Kim McFarland (
negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. The
Toreador Song from
Carmen (in its original French form) is by Georges Bizet. Permission is given by the author to copy this story for personal use only.
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