Muppet fic: Once in a Lifetime

[charlietheowl]

Glad to see that Janken was willing to talk to Molly about her feelings and not be rude or condescending. I really like his food metaphor to try and explain things. I'm eager to see where her story goes from here. Thank you for posting.

 

[Slackbot]

Thank, guys, glad you liked this chapter.

The bit with Pepper and Gonzo came straight out of real life. It's a shortened version of what happened when I met Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. I met them at the Dragon*Con art show and spoke them to a little while before I realized who they were (They were holding their drinks in front of their con badges). When I found out I fangirled hard on them, especially Niven, then declared that I was gonna go away and leave them alone, because if I didn't I'd follow them around for the rest of the con. They were both very amused.

I got the nickname for Kate and Julie's "other mothers" from a comic strip whose name will probably be blocked by the censorbot: Alison Bechtel's Dykes to Watch Out For. Two of the women had a child, and the kid grew up calling the one who wasn't his birth mother "meema." Kate and Julie do the same thing.

Molly is having some trouble with a certain concept now. However, she has a couple of advantages: One, she is a pretty good judge of character, hence her willingness to open up to Janken. She can sense he's a kind, patient type. And two, she asks questions. Asking questions good way of finding things out. As for Janken, he has a soft spot for little girls, especially ones who are about the same age as one of his sisters. And it can't be surprising that he'd segue a discussion about sexual morality into a monologue on radish cuisine. He's a Fraggle, after all.

Baked potatoes with ketchup and mustard? Whew! That's one I never heard of.

I hope you recognize the three pictures in Scooter's dressing room. I tried to make them as obvious as possible.

Mmm, raisinets! I'll keep them away from Kate, Molly, and Rowlf. That shouldn't be hard. Nomnomnom.

 

[The Count]

Not so much baked potatoes as more like boiled along with the cabbage and brisket, it's affectionately known to my family as "Irish/London Boil".

Already know it was Brooke Shields as Alice Lydell, I think the man in boxing gloves is Sylvester Stallone and the bearded guy is Jim? Then again, Jerry was known for having a beard I think.

 

[Slackbot]

Ah, that's how your family cooked it? Cool. I wish I knew how to make corned beef and cabbage the way my mother made it. Alas, she never used recipes--or measurements--or timers--so to learn how she made anything I'd have to watch her make it. I've been able to learn her Greek chicken and pork chops that way, but I've had no opportunity for corned beef and cabbage.

Yes, you got the photos right. I tried to describe a very often-seen picture of Jim. In fact, it was seen outside the Muppet theater in both TM and MMW.

 

[The Count]

Heh, my mom's the same way. We often joke she's more of a culinary artiste because she can follow the recipe, but she adds her own little embellishments in the final prep. I remember from growing up, the previous kitchen layout allowed for hanging a neon-lighted sign we had to plug in that simply said "Chez Mima".

 

[Slackbot]

Writing! I does it!​

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*****​

Once in a Lifetime​

Part 17: Null Juggling​

by Kim McFarland​

*****

The second act began. Earlier in the day Kermit and Scooter had swapped a few numbers around to raise the energy level at the end of the show. Lew Zealand would go on later, which was fine with him. Few Muppets really minded when their act was in the show, so long as they got their time on stage.

Things went smoothly for the first few segments. However, Kermit and Scooter knew better than to get complacent. They did not believe in the usual theater superstitions such as never mentioning Macbeth, whistling, using peacock feathers onstage, or wishing each other good luck for fear it would bring the opposite. However, their years of experience had proven Murphy's Law a scientific fact.

The girls sat backstage right with Miss Piggy, watched by a camera crew that had found a safe spot against the front wall. They observed the acts through the wings while waiting for their turn. They could relax and enjoy themselves more than they had last night, now that they knew what to expect. And the other Muppets had made them feel very welcome. Piggy realized that she would miss them when the Teeny Weeny Queenies filming was over.

Onstage, a bunch of amorphous, iridescent creatures were…well, doing things with themselves. Some formed a humanoid figure and juggled others of their number, and made what looked kind of like balloon animals. Yesterday the act had gone well enough. Now, however, something was wrong. In the course of their acrobatics several of them had gotten tangled together, and their efforts to separate themselves were spreading the confusion and wrecking the rest of the act. Worriedly Duffy turned to Miss Piggy and asked, "Is that supposed to happen?"

"No," Piggy replied calmly.

"But we're on next! Won't it mess us up? What do we do?" Kate asked.

"Don't worry about it. That's their job," she said, gesturing toward Scooter and Kermit.

Kermit glanced around backstage. He could cut this short and move Fozzie's act up to give them a few minutes to fix the stage for the next act, but the bear was nowhere to be seen. On the other hand, Rowlf was right there. He appeared to be loafing, but he had been watching too, and was alert and ready.

Scooter said what Kermit was thinking: "Rowlf, you're on!"

The dog said "Okay," and crossed over behind the stage.


By the time Scooter finished giving Janken his instructions Rowlf was sitting at the small grand piano that was kept in tune for serious numbers. The Fraggle looked back, and the dog gave him a thumbs-up. Janken flicked switches, lighting the corner of the backstage the piano was in and readying the camera. Then he waited for Scooter's cue.


Scooter told Kermit, "Rowlf's ready. I'll cut it short now."

"Make it so."

Scooter flicked a switch on the desk several times. It caused a small red light to flash on every music stand in the orchestra pit. Four rapid flashes, a familiar signal: play 'em off! The musicians segued into a quick two-bar riff suitable for closing curtains in a hurry.

As the curtains dropped shut Scooter said to everyone backstage, "Clear the stage for the next act!"

Various Muppets began clearing the tangled creatures off the stage. Some were fleeing in apparent panic. As they watched the roundup Tessie asked, "What are those things?"

Miss Piggy replied, "Nulls."

"What're nulls?"

"Ya got me. I'm still trying to figure out what Gonzo is."


Rowlf heard the familiar fanfare for a failed act. Janken pointed to him, and the red light on the camera came on. Rowlf, remembering that the image would be to the left of the stage from the audience's point of view, looked to his right. After a long pause he said, "Well, that was something." Facing the camera, he continued, "I have no idea what it was, but it definitely was something."

He began tapping on the keys absently. "You never know what you're gonna see on this stage. That's show biz. But I'm glad to know that there's one thing I can always count on. To some it's just an instrument. But to me…well, it's much, much more."

He played the opening of a slow, bluesy ballad. Then he began singing,

"Late at night​

When it's dark and cold​

I reach out​

For someone to hold.​

When I'm blue,​

When I'm lonely,​

She comes through.​

She's the only one who can.​

My baby grand​

Is all I need."​

The situation once again under control, Scooter told Miss Piggy and the girls, "After this song we'll play the video leading into your act. We'll be back on track, so it'll be same as last night, 'kay?"

"Okay," the girls chorused.

It was a little strange, having the girls answer him as if he was a schoolteacher. He certainly didn't get that kind of respect or obedience from the other Muppets. Not that he would know what to do with it if he did.

"I've come far​

From the life I strayed in;​

I've got scars​

From those dives I played in.​

Now I'm home​

And I'm weary​

In my bones,​

Every dreary one night stand.​

But my baby grand​

Came home with me.​

"Ever since this gig began​

My baby grand's​

Been good to me."​

Rowlf sang, and the four minutes his song bought them was enough to get the show back on course. He played the outro and nodded to himself in quiet satisfaction. When the light went off on the camera he got up from the bench and ambled over to Janken's station, where Scooter was watching over Janken's shoulder. Rowlf took the other side. The video showing the girls driving Miss Piggy crazy backstage was playing for the audience. Scooter murmured, "We showed backstage left on that screen, then backstage right. That's gonna be confusing."

Janken said, "I didn't think about that."

Scooter shrugged. "Still, better that than an empty stage. Thanks, Rowlf."

"Any time."

Scooter hustled off to the backstage crossing. Janken said to Rowlf, "That was great! I love Billy Joel."

"Give 'im a call. I hear he's not married at the moment," the dog deadpanned.


Gonzo and Billie had been watching the second act from the back of the balcony. They were surprised by Rowlf's act, but understood what must have happened. Then the girls did their song, and it went off like clockwork except when one girl, the sheep, tripped over a bit of scenery that wasn't in the right place. But she picked herself up and went on, so nobody in the audience would realize it wasn't part of the act.

Then the orchestra began to play the Toreador Song from Carmen, and Billie clapped, excited. She had been waiting for this! Lew Zealand carried his buckets onto the stage and began tossing the fish around, first one at a time, then in pairs.

Things went fine until midway through the act. One of the fish noticed Gonzo in the back, and flew to him instead of returning. Gonzo had not exactly anticipated this, but he was not unprepared. He stood and caught the fish before it could hit him in the face, then flung it back, crying "G'wan! Shoo!"

Lew looked up. The fish had gone to Gonzo again! He would have expected this from tuna, which were, after all, chicken of the sea. But these were pollock, known for their intelligence and loyalty! And yet they were flying to Gonzo instead of returning. Fortunately, Gonzo was catching them and throwing them back, and the audience thought it was all part of the act. Well, it was now.

Billie stood on the seat as Gonzo walked to the front of the aisle, catching and throwing fish along the way. This was exciting!


After the end of the show Gonzo met Lew backstage. "D'you know why the fish keep coming to me?" Gonzo asked.

Lew told him, You know how fish are. They swim together in schools. If one likes you, the others follow it. Say, I had an idea about that."

"So do I."

While the two of them were discussing their common notion, Miss Piggy was saying her goodbyes to the girls. They had enjoyed themselves again today, and were proud that they had coped with the glitches. Miss Piggy was also pleased that the camera crew had been much less intrusive today. They were learning to stay out of the way.

Janken was still sitting at his console. He always kept it going for a few extra minutes in case someone wanted to to review their act. In the meantime he was surfing the web. Scooter came over and told him, "We're packing it in. Let's go."

"Have the kids gone home yet?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I just wanted to say good night to Molly. No big deal." That was a fib; he was concerned that she might still be upset. But he had promised her he wouldn't tell Scooter what they had talked about. "Check this. Someone had a camera in the audience."

"Oh? Let's see."

Janken clicked on a browser tab and showed Scooter a clip just under a minute long. Using a smart phone someone in the balcony had recorded the end of a video, which had segued into an act on the stage. Scooter said, "I'll show it to Kermit, but I know what he'll say. It'll generate some buzz, so as long as they don't post a big chunk of the show we'll pretend we don't notice it."

"I checked this user's other videos. He puts up lots of little clips, not stuff like that. I think he knows better. Or she."

"Good."

Janken began shutting his station down. "Oh, by the way, Scooter, I've been keeping an eye out for reactions to your video. It's been really good."

"Whew. I've been trying not to think about it."

"Yeah. All but a few boneheads are on your side. People say you're really cool."

"Good," was all Scooter could say to that. Although this was pleasant news, he kind of wished Janken hadn't mentioned it; right now he just didn't want to think about that. "I'll check it out after the weekend, I guess."

Most of the Muppets were already out back, ready for the bus ride home. Scooter and Janken descended the steps in the back alley. Somebody grabbed Scooter from behind. He stiffened and was about to drive an elbow back into his assailant when a feminine voice said into his ear, "Hi, nerd."

He stopped and turned around. Skeeter was grinning insolently back at him. Exasperated, he said, "Jeez, don't do that! I was about to clobber you."

"I'd like to see you try," she said. "Nah, not really. I don't want you to drop dead of a heart attack. Want me to wear a collar with a little bell on it?"

"What's up, Skeet?"

"I just wanted to tell ya something," she answered.

"Okay, what?"

She hesitated for a moment, then gave him a hug. "I saw your video. I'm proud of ya. You're a brave little nerd."

He hugged back. "Aw, thanks, sis."

She pulled back and grinned. "And I'm glad to see that even though you're a sissy you're not a wimp. Don't take crap offa anyone."

"Ever you?" he asked innocently.

"Me, you can take crap from," she replied with a wink.

****

All named characters except Janken are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC. My Baby Grand is © Billy Joel. All copyrighted properties are used without permission but with much respect and affection. Janken Fraggle is copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.

 

[The Count]

Yes, she can writes, and she dun done it good too.

Tuna flocking to Gonzo cause they're the chicken of the sea.
: Cute, cute joke.

Nulls huh? For some reason they make me think of Disney's mome raths or jellyfish blobs without the stinger barbs.

If the theater was in NYC, I bet Janken would love the fact there's a live concert by Billy Joel each month as part of the stadium's current scheduling.

Also liked Jan wanting to make sure Molly was all right after having a kitten.
: What?!
Sorry... Kitten, little chat. It's a French joke.
: Oh. Don't scare me like that.
How would you like us to scare you then?
Skeeter: That's my department.

Yay at Skeet's arrival.
Thankses for posting some of your funderful fic.

 

[charlietheowl]

Love to see that Skeeter has her brother's back in her own way, and Rowlf's song was really sweet. Thank you for posting!

 

[Slackbot]

Thanks, guys. Glad you like.

The Count: You've stumbled on proof that my stories don't take place in New York. If they did, Janken would indeed be going to those concerts. Billy Joel is no Cantus, but for a Silly Creature he's impressive!

The nulls are a reference to the '90s CGI show ReBoot, another of my fandoms. Nulls are blobby, mindless, energy-sucking things that look like huge, colorful slugs. In the first season episode Talent Night we see a bunch of acts being auditioned, including null juggling. ("Null juggling? I thought that was banned!") And in the fourth season one of the characters is somewhat restored in the form of a humanoid shape made out of nulls.

charlietheowl: My Baby Grand is a perfect Rowlf song. The original was sung by Ray Charles and Billy Joel, both playing their pianos. Give it a listen, if you like:

There's a scene I've been wanting to use for years, but I never found anywhere it would fit. Scooter and Janken are accosted by someone who sees them as an easy target. Janken starts bluffing for all he's worth, acting as if he's ready to mix it up, teeth bared, tail swishing back and forth. The would-be assailant backs down. Janken is weak with relief, since he knows he'd be useless in a fight, but a little proud of having faced him down. Then he sees that Scooter had a can of pepper spray in his hand. (You have your defense and I have mine.) I suppose the bit with Scooter and Skeeter is the faint ghost of that unused scene.

 

[Slackbot]

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Writey writey writey!​

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*****​

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Once in a Lifetime​

Part 18: A Matter of Trust​

by Kim McFarland​

*****

It was not a dark and stormy night. It had been some weeks since the most recent storm. It was, in fact, an unremarkably nice early afternoon, with weather that did not merit description except to acknowledge its pleasantness.

The girls and crew for the Teeny Weeny Queenies program were sitting in the audience area, waiting for the Muppets to arrive and call them backstage. That happened soon enough. The girls went back to Miss Piggy's dressing room so she could do their makeup. Tessie pleaded to do her own; she could remember how Miss Piggy had made her up the previous two night, and she wanted to do it herself this time. She probably could, Piggy thought, and she could touch it up of she needed to. While Tessie was gleefully applying her war paint Piggy did the other girls. As before, Molly asked to be first, and was finished in several minutes, as she did not need much makeup.

As Miss Piggy began on Pepper Molly excused herself. She thought about walking across the stage, as nobody was doing anything out there, but it seemed politer to use the backstage crossing. She did, holding a small, cloth-wrapped box to herself.

Janken was at his console. He was sitting back in his chair; it didn't look like he was busy yet. Quietly she walked over to him and said, "Hi."

Janken looked over, surprised. "Hi. What's up?"

"I thought about what you said yesterday."

"What did you think?" he asked.

"At first I couldn't decide. Um…just a minute." She dragged a spare chair over, then sat in it. "At first I didn't know what to think. So when I got back home I told Mom. We watched the video together, then we talked about it."

She looked tense, Janken noticed, but not confused or upset as she had yesterday. That was encouraging. "What did she say?"

Well, Mom said that maybe that's not the way we were meant to be…but then, none of are exactly as we ought to be. Nobody's perfect. And it's not just because we mess up; we were made not perfect …" She paused, looking at him.

Janken could see that she had much more to say. "Okay," he prompted.

"Um, there are things I shouldn't talk about a lot. People don't want to hear them," she said uncomfortably

"Things like what?" Janken asked, hoping that he was not about to step on a puffball.

"Religion," she said simply. "It's not right to push it on other people. But it's hard to talk about this without it."

"Oh. Well, how about this? Just tell me what you think. I'd like to know, and you won't be telling me that I have to think the same thing. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, I guess," she said. She did want to talk to him about it. "Well, God didn't make any of us perfect, and he doesn't talk to everyone the same way. There are people who don't believe in the Bible or never even heard of it, but God doesn't ignore them because of that. He talks to us any way we'll hear, even if we don't know He's doing it. We're all His children, after all."

"That makes sense," Janken said, nodding.

"What Scooter said in that video, he was asking people to be kind to each other, and to make their lives better by helping each other. That's what God wants, for us all to be good to each other and make His world the best place we can."

"I like that," Janken said, smiling.

"As for Scooter being homosexual…it scared me yesterday." She looked away. "Mom said that we are the way we were made, and maybe that really is what God intended for him. But no matter what it's not fair to judge someone else because he's different. What matters is what kind of person they show they are."

"I think you're mother's a smart person," he told her.

"Yeah…"

She looked like she was getting stuck. "What kind of person do you think Scooter is?" he asked gently.

She met his eyes. "I think he's nice. When I was in the hallway behind the stage yesterday he told me I couldn't hang around back there. When I told him I was praying he let me use his dressing room so I'd have someplace quiet." She smiled. "That was a nice thing."

"Yes, it was," Janken agreed.

"Does he love you?" she asked.

Janken paused, surprised by the point-blank question. There was only one answer. "Yes. And I love him."

"You didn't tell me that yesterday."

"I didn't want to upset you."

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings," she said sincerely.

He smiled. "You didn't, Molly. You weren't mean. You just asked questions, and as one of Kermit's friends likes to say, 'Asking questions is a good way of finding things out.'"

She laughed. "Big Bird! Do you know him?"

"No, we've never met. I'd like to sometime, though. So, Molly, do you feel better now?"

"Yes. Here, I brought this for you." She held up the cloth-wrapped box.

"Oh?" He untied the knot at the top. Inside was a medium-sized plastic tub, the kind people used to hold food. When he opened it he smelled a delicious scent. Inside were radishes, the tiny kind that grew in Outer Space. They had been cut in such a way that they looked like blooming roses. He took one out and asked, "Did you make these?"

"Yeah! I cut the petals with a fruit knife, then put them in ice water. That made them swell up a little so the petals spread out," she said with a touch of pride.

"Well, they're beautiful." He popped it into his mouth. "And delicious! Thank you."

She watched, amazed, as he ate a radish as if it was a slice of apple.


When Miss Piggy finished Duffy's makeup the sheep excused herself to visit the bathroom. She went into the first stall and was going about her business when somebody else came in. More than one person, from the sound of the footsteps. At the sinks, a voice Duffy didn't recognize said, "Is there really a point to this?"

"Probably not," answered somebody else. After a moment Duffy recognized the voice: the director, the one Miss Piggy had argued with.

"Look, you're the boss, but this seems like a big waste of time. We can't use any of this Muppet stuff in Teeny Weeny Queenies. Nobody's gonna want to see it. It's not even good for a blooper reel."

"I know. But if we leave now we have to deal with the pig and her lawyers. Just go through the motions."

"Can I leave the lens cap on?"

A brief laugh. "No, they'd notice."

Duffy forced herself to wait while those two did what they came in to do and left again. Then she flushed, washed her hands hastily, and ran back up to Miss Piggy's dressing room. She went in, closed the door behind herself, and exclaimed, "They're not gonna make the show!"

Miss Piggy stopped brushing contour onto Julie's face and asked, "Who's not gonna do what?"

"I was in the bathroom! Two of 'em came in and said that the show wasn't any good, and they're not gonna make it!"

The child was so distressed she wasn't making much sense. Piggy put down the brush and said, "Calm down. It'll be all right. Now, what did you hear? Who said it?"

She looked around—she had everyone's undivided attention—and said, "The director and, um, I think the woman with the camera. She said that the stuff we're doing here-" She gestured around, indicating the Muppet Theater, "-wouldn't be any good for Teeny Weeny Queenies. They're only sticking around because they're afraid of you."

"Is that so," Piggy said flatly.

"Yeah. Honest! I heard it just now. No April fooling!"

The little sheep was holding back tears, and the others didn't look too happy either. Miss Piggy said, "So, they don't like what they're seeing here, huh? Did they say why?" Duffy shook her head. Piggy thought to herself, what did people watch those pageant shows for? Drama. They didn't care who won, they wanted to see little girls and their parents squabbling and acting like bratty drama queens. She grinned the kind of grin that is very alarming for those on the wrong end of it and said, "Then we'll just have to give them what they want, won't we? Wait here."

She left her dressing room. She found her quarry by looking over the railing at the desk by the wings. "Scooter!"

He looked up. "What is it, Miss Piggy?"

"Do you have a minute? Moi needs vous special talents."

Right now wasn't the best time, but he knew that tone of voice. "Coming."

She let Scooter into her dressing room, then closed and locked the door. She said, "We got problems with the pageant show. The crew thinks they're going to ashcan our episodes because there's not enough drama. We're gonna do something about that."

"Like what?"

"Like give 'em some backstage drama to chew on. Tonight, during the show."

"What kind of drama?"

"What kind of drama do you think a bunch of pageant brats can cook up?" Piggy said with a wicked smile.

"I…see. Gimme a second?" He took his phone out of his pocket.

"Huh? All right."

He thumb-dialed, and after a moment said, "Kermit? Something's come up. Would you come by Miss Piggy's dressing room? Thanks." He closed the connection. Whatever they had planned, Kermit ought to be involved, even if only so he wouldn't be blindsided when it happened.

Kermit was there a minute later. They admitted him to the conspiracy and again locked the door. Piggy said, "The Teeny Weeny Queenies clowns are planning on deep-sixing the show because it's not exciting enough for them. They would take away these girls' big moment simply because they're bored! So moi proposes we simply give them what they want, since they ask for so little."

"What do you have planned, Piggy?" Kermit asked. He ought to be apprehensive, he thought. When Piggy had a scheme, she pulled no punches. However, she was being up front with him, and adding Scooter to the plan was a smart touch; you always want the Stage Manager on your side, not to mention that he had a devious streak too.

"Just a little controlled chaos. Give them some of the drama they expect. After all, one can hardly blame these little dears if they crack under the strain of their first show, can we?" She looked at them, giving them an obvious cue.

Tessie spoke up. "They may crack, but I'm better than they are. I'll win!"

Kate snapped, "Not this time. You can't get away with standing around and looking pretty here!"

Pepper warned, "You take Miss Piggy's feather boa and she'll kill you."

Molly put her hands to her head and moaned, "Oh my goodness…"

Piggy snarled, "Knock it off!"

All of the girls chorused in fake adoration, "We love you, Miss Piggy!"

Kermit nodded. "You'd have to keep it backstage."

"Of course, Kermie! I knew you'd understand."

Scooter said, "You know, Piggy, you could base it on the backstage cutscenes. Elaborate on those."

"That's just what moi had in mind."

Kermit said, "I may be crazy for saying this, but I trust you guys. Save your show, Piggy. Scooter, keep her from destroying ours if you can."

"Will do, chief," he said cheerfully.

"I'll leave you to it. Have fun."

As he left he thought, he ought to be worried. The diva and the stage manager were planning to wreak havoc backstage. That was a recipe for disaster, even if they had warned him first. Could he put the brakes on their cockamamie plan? Of course not.

He smiled. This was just like old times.

****

All Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, and Scooter are copyright © The Muppets Studio, LLC and are used without permission but with much respect and affection. All other named characters are copyright © Kim McFarland (negaduck9@aol.com), as is the overall story. Permission is given by the author to copy it for personal use only.