Chapter 33
“You are just pathetic, ya know that?”
“It’s not my fault! I’m a toad! I’m pathetic by nature!”
“Yeah well, nature has nothin’ to do with it now; we’re in the city.”
“You expect that to change things? If anything it should enhance my patheticness!”
“That is not a word.”
“Yes it is. They had to invent it to describe how pathetic I am.”
“Alright, alright, that’s enough Goggles.”
Goggles the Toad sighed heavily. “So will you please introduce me to Miss Piggy?” Goggles pleaded with Croaker.
Croaker pulled down on his bowtie and let it dangle on his lack-of-neck. He glanced around reluctantly as he leaned against a theater seat. “Alright, fine, I’ll introduce you,” Croaker caved. “Just please don’t embarrass me, will ya?”
“I’ll try,” Goggles said. “But you know what happens when I get nervous!”
Croaker whipped around and prodded a blue finger into Goggles’ chest. “You leak your ooze on Miss Piggy… I’m not the one who’ll hit ya.”
“She wouldn’t hit a toad with glasses; would she?” Goggles asked with a nervous shake to his voice.
Croaker started to walk away to find Miss Piggy to introduce to Goggles. “Would an alligator bite the head of a toad with glasses?” Croaker asked as Goggles stumbled to keep up.
“Of course,” Goggles said.
“Then I wouldn’t ooze on Miss Piggy,” Croaker warned.
“You’re not helping my nerves,” Goggles said. “Do you realize that?”
“Of course.” Croaker chuckled to himself. “Alright, there she is. Ready?”
Goggles stared at the white laced (Ha! That’s a pun…) pig standing a few feet away from him talking to a celebrity whose name he did not know. He gulped loudly and nodded shakily. “Ready,” he squeaked.
“Nervous?” Croaker asked sarcastically.
“Deathly so,” Goggles admitted.
“Careful with phrasing like that around Miss Piggy,” Croaker told the toad. He put a comforting hand on the small green toad’s back—and pushed him forward, into Miss Piggy’s back.
Miss Piggy whipped around angrily and glared down at the shuddering toad near her knees. The toad gulped audibly and stood up straighter. “E-e-excuse me, Miss Piggy,” Goggles croaked.
“Who are you?” Miss Piggy asked, ignoring the plea to excuse Goggles.
“M-my name is Goggles,” the toad explained, still shaking and trying not to ooze. “I’m a friend of Kermit’s.”
“I assumed that,” Piggy said, examining Goggles inquisitively.
Goggles took a deep breath and threw himself into the conversation. “Ya see Miss Piggy, I’ve never met you! It’s not fair that one of the groom’s oldest friends doesn’t know the bride! So I figured, ‘Hey, I should go meet Miss Piggy.’ And I had it all planned out, but then I had to go and ask Croaker to introduce me—and he pushes me right into you! I’m so sorry! Don’t kill me!” Goggles whined, hiding beneath his spindly arms that couldn’t stop a playing card from making impact on his skull.
“I see,” Miss Piggy said, glancing over Goggles’ shoulder to see Croaker ducked behind a row of seats and snickering to himself. “Well… no problem then dear!” Piggy said cheerfully. “Lovely to meet you.”
Goggles slowly retired his arm shield and stared up at the pig in disbelief. “You mean you’re not going to hit me?”
Miss Piggy shook her head. “No,” she said, “but do you mind if I hit Croaker?”
Goggles thought about this question. He turned and looked at Croaker behind the seat who was shaking his head violently. Goggles shrugged. “Not at all.”
Miss Piggy cracked her knuckles and proceeded towards Croaker.
~-~-~-~-~
“Scooter? Scooter? Where are you?” Prairie Dawn called out backstage. “I know saw you come back here…”
The young go-fer was safely hidden beneath Kermit’s desk silently, holding his legs against his chest to fit down there. There was no way Prairie Dawn could find him down there… he held his breath anyway, just to be safe.
Prairie’s voice got louder as she got closer to Kermit’s desk. Scooter bit his bottom lip as he heard the little girl’s flat-soled shoes advance upon him.
Scooter buried his head in the corner and tried to pull himself underneath the desk even farther. The shoe movement stopped. Scooter breathed once, quietly.
“Scooter?” Prairie’s voice asked. Scooter winced—he had breathed too loud! “Scooter, you should probably breathe!”
The go-fer was confused. He looked up from the corner and glanced out into the opening of the desk bottom.
Prairie Dawn stood before him—in full form.
She was short enough to see Scooter without even bending over. “What are you doing down there?” she asked.
Scooter hesitated and decided to feel around the floor carefully. “Lost a contact,” he lied.
Prairie Dawn tilted her head confusedly. “But you’re wearing glasses—you’re always wearing glasses,” Prairie said.
Young Scooter was being overrun by an even younger Prairie Dawn. “Erm… I lost the contact a long time ago,” the bespectacled go-fer explained.
“Oh,” Prairie said, nodding slowly. “Would you like me to help you look for—”
“No, no,” Scooter interrupted swiftly. “I’ll just look later. I’ve got a lot to do, ya know! We’re in the middle of a wedding reception!”
“That’s very true,” said Prairie. “Can I help you with that?”
“Oh, I don’t think so,” Scooter said, shaking his solemnly (it’s helpful to note that he’s still beneath the desk at this point). “It’s a big job—even for me!”
Prairie Dawn giggled. “Scooter, you’re the best! There’s no job too big for you!”
Scooter silently wished for eyelids. “Huh?” he asked, ever so eloquently.
“Well you’re Scooter!” Prairie projected profusely (c’mon… I had to). “You’ve worked with more stars than I can count in the sky!”
Scooter shrugged sheepishly. “Well… I just got ‘em coffee and told ‘em when to go onstage…”
“Yeah but you’re backstage!” Prairie said giddily. “Where all of the magic happens!”
Scooter shrugged again, scooting (HA!) slightly closer to the opening of the desk. “Really it’s where we make the magic onstage happen,” he admitted. “But close enough.”
Prairie moved out of the way so Scooter could come out from under the desk—which he did. “That’s what I want to do when I grow up,” Prairie said with a huge grin.
“Make the magic happen?” Scooter asked.
“If it means I can be like you!” Prairie Dawn told her new mentor.
Scooter grinned wildly. “Okay kid,” he said, patting Prairie’s shoulder, “I’ll teach you everything I know.”
“Yo Scoot!” Clifford shouted as he ran past Scooter and Prairie Dawn. “Get ready to cue me on the mike.”
Scooter ran over to the audio box above Kermit’s desk and Prairie followed behind. “First lesson: How to cue someone on the mike,” Scooter explained.
Prairie nodded, watching Scooter intently. “Should I be taking notes?”
“Yes, there may or may not be a quiz tomorrow,” Scooter said. He turned around and shrugged. “I think I’m gonna like this.”
~-~-~-~-~
The wedding party had returned, again, to the table onstage and Clifford had returned to the microphone. “We really just need to stay in one place,” Gonzo muttered.
Clifford talked to the crowd and introduced Skeeter to give a speech.
Fozzie hadn’t returned to the table—he’d found a celebrity in the crowd who would laugh at all of his jokes and refused to give up this gig. It was Phyllis Diller and she’s so old she can’t hear Fozzie anyway—she realized this and laughed at that fact; not the bear.
Rowlf moved over from his seat to Fozzie’s, next to Kermit (yes, I did that Fozzie/Phyllis joke just so I could have Rowlf move over one seat). “Psst, Kermit?” Rowlf whispered to the frog.
Kermit broke his concentration from Skeeter’s speech (she was in the middle of her hilarious story about being rescued from the Amazon by Kermit, Piggy, and the rest of the gang) and turned to Rowlf. “Yeah Rowlf?”
“I haven’t gotten to give you and Piggy my present yet,” Rowlf said.
“Can it wait, Rowlf?” Kermit pleaded. “I’d hate to interrupt Skeeter’s speech—she’s nearly as temperamental as Camilla.”
Miss Piggy looked around Kermit at Rowlf. “A gift Rowlfie?” she asked sweetly. “Por moi?”
Rowlf smirked—he could win his fight with this aid. “Uh huh,” he said with a nod. “It’s a good one too. But Kermit says we should—”
“Kermit also has said moi is over-weight on multiple occasions,” Miss Piggy said. “We can’t always listen to this frog.” Piggy squeezed Kermit’s hand in hers significantly tighter, making him jump slightly.
Kermit grumbled and flagged down Clifford from the wings, waving him over. He whispered something to the dreadlocked emcee. The purple Muppet cocked his head to the side and gave Kermit a look that obviously said, “Seriously?”
Kermit hesitated—and Miss Piggy nudged him. The frog sprang to action with a nod.
Clifford shrugged. “If you say so Kerm… but you’re takin’ the rap for this one.”
Clifford cut off Skeeter mid-anaconda-strangling-Gonzo-joke and was faced with one angry twin of Scooter. Clifford explained that it was Rowlf who wanted to speak and Skeeter backed off—slightly.
Rowlf moved from behind the table, waved to the crowd, and silently approached the upright piano Dr. Teeth was playing on earlier. He rolled it to the center of the stage and arranged it so that the back of the piano was facing stage right. He smiled at Kermit and Miss Piggy, and then began to play.
“It’s a little bit funny,” Rowlf sang proudly, his fingers dancing along the keys.
“This feelin’ inside—now that’s not just puppy love, folks,” Rowlf explained to the crowd.
“I’m not one of those
Who can easily hide.
“I don’t have much money
But boy if I did
I’d buy a big house
Where we all could live—‘cause goodness knows we need it!” Rowlf quipped.
“If I was a sculptor,” he continued.
“But then again, no
Or a man who makes potions
In a travelin’ show.
“I know it’s not much
But it’s the best I can do
My gift is my song
And this one’s for you—it’s for you Kermit and Piggy.”
“And you can tell everybody
This is your song
It may be quite simple
But now that it’s done—well it’s not done just yet… so don’t leave.”
“I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
While you’re in the world.
“I sat on the roof,” Rowlf picked up tempo as he sang.
“And I kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses
They’ve got me quite cross.
“But the sun’s been quite kind
While I wrote this song
It’s for people like you that
Keep it turned on.
“So excuse me forgetting…
But these things I do
You see I’ve forgotten
If they’re green or they’re blue—I should watch Sesame Street more often…”
“Anyway, the thing is,
What I really mean
Yours is the sweetest love
I’ve ever seen—I mean that,” Rowlf said somberly to Kermit and Piggy.
“And you can tell everybody
This is your song
It may be quite simple but
Now that it’s done…
“I hope you don’t mind
I hope you don’t mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is
While you’re in the world.”
Rowlf shut the cover over the keys while the crowd roared with applause. He smiled and turned to Kermit and Piggy again. “Life really is wonderful while you’re in the world,” he told them. “Especially together.”
“Thank you Rowlf,” Kermit told his old friend.
The dog shrugged. “Sorry I couldn’t wrap it.”
“Rowlf? Rap?” Clifford asked. “Heh, now that’s somethin’ I never wanna hear.”
“I think everyone would agree with you on that,” Rowlf said.
Kermit shook his head. “Introduce the next speech Clifford,” the frog told Clifford.
Clifford smirked. “What’s the hurry Kerm? Got a date?”
“Something like that,” Kermit said with a smile, kissing Piggy on the cheek.
Miss Piggy growled sensually. “Exactly… so get on with it!”
“Right,” Clifford said. He took the microphone in his hands again. “Ladies and germs, Kermit’s sister, and the maid of honor, Maggie the Frog.”
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