Chapter 31
“Kermin! Kermin, hokay!” Pepe the Prawn called as he ran up to Kermit’s side.
“One second,” Kermit said to a high-grossing celebrity he was talking with. He turned to face Pepe and said, “Pepe, what is it?”
“Es Miss Piggy—she wants jou to come see d’is, hokay,” Pepe esplai—explained.
Kermit frowned. “Good grief,” he said. “Can’t it wait?”
“Hmm-mm,” Pepe said, shaking his head quickly. “She said es very important, hokay—she said he’s busy and has to leave, hokay!”
Kermit groaned. “Okay.”
“Hokay?” Pepe asked.
“Okay!” Kermit shouted, aggravated with the repetition.
“Hokay!” Pepe said defensively.
Kermit turned back to the celebrity and apologized for having to hop and then followed Pepe to where Miss Piggy was standing near the exit talking to an almost completely bald man—with what little hair he had left turning significantly white. He wore glasses and smiled at Kermit as he approached.
“Hi-ho,” Kermit said to the man. “Thanks for coming, mister… eh… I’m sorry… I’m afraid I don’t know you. Are you on Miss Piggy’s side?”
The man shrugged. “You could say that,” he said, with a deep, eerily familiar voice.
“He worked under moi for many, many years,” Miss Piggy explained.
“Ah ha, I see,” Kermit said, nodding. “Another chauffer?” Kermit asked.
“More or less,” the man said. “I took her everywhere she went.”
“Sounds like a chauffer to me, hokay,” Pepe said, reminding everyone he was still there.
“Well what do you do now, mister… erm…” Kermit said, trying to lead the man into the answer again.
“Frank,” he said. “Call me Frank. Right now I’ve got this little career as a director—”
“Ah,” Kermit said. “What sort of plays do you direct?”
“Not plays,” Frank said. “I direct a film here and there.”
“Mm,” Kermit said, nodding understandably—his demeanor becoming less enthusiastic now. “I see. Well Frank, ya see, we’ve already—” the frog stopped himself, remembering Miss Piggy’s presence (how could you forget it?). “Erm… we’re not really in the market for a director right now.”
“Si, si, so d’at’s it,” Pepe said, pushing up against Frank. “T’anks for coming to de wedding, hokay, but we don’t need jour kind here! Bye bye mister ‘director’—if d’is es what jou really do!”
“Hold on a se—” Miss Piggy started.
“Don’t worry about it,” Pepe said. “We’ll handle it, hokay! Bobo!” Pepe called.
The large brown bear popped up and grabbed Frank by the arm. “Alright fella, that’s enough. We don’t need any of your weddin’ crashing kind here! C’mon now, off ya go!” Bobo said, pulling Frank out of the theater.
“Sorry about that Piggy,” Kermit said. “I thought I told Scooter to keep those guys out.”
“Vous did,” Miss Piggy said. “But I told Scooter to let him in.”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “You’re so desperate for a role that you’d turn to someone you don’t even know?” he asked.
Miss Piggy groaned. “Never mind,” she said. “It’s not worth it.”
“Don’t worry Miss Piggy,” Kermit said, grabbing her hand. “I’m sure we’ll get back into movies soon.”
“It wasn’t about—Oh, whatever,” Piggy grumbled.
Gonzo popped up, on cue. “You called?” he asked.
“Not purposefully,” Kermit said.
“Rats!” Gonzo declared.
Rizzo jumped up next to Gonzo. “You called?” he asked.
“That joke is so old,” Miss Piggy groaned.
Statler and Waldorf popped up on the other side of the newlyweds. “You called?” they asked in unison.
“No,” Kermit said. “And we’re not calling anyone else either—it’s getting crowded!”
“I’ve been sayin’ that for years,” Statler said.
“True,” Waldorf said. “We could just get rid of a few people…”
“Or the whole cast!” Statler decided.
“You called?” the entire theater asked in unison, taking one collective step forward towards Kermit and Miss Piggy—who were now squished against the back wall.
Kermit wiggled his head out of the crowd and sighed. “And here I thought there wouldn’t be enough room here for the reception,” he said wearily.
~-~-~-~-~
“Break time, green stuff!” Floyd called out to Kermit through the microphone.
“I’m back here,” Kermit said from the wedding party table behind the band.
“Mm, right,” Floyd said with a blink. He and the band removed themselves from the stage and Clifford entered to take control of the microphone.
“Give it up again for the Electric Mayhem!” Clifford said, garnering the applause from the crowd. “Heh heh. Well, while the band breaks—”
“BREAK! BREAK!” Animal shouted from backstage.
Clifford scratched his head. “Bad choice of words,” he said. “While the band uh… well what word can I use?”
“Siesta,” Rosita suggested from the crowd. “Siesta means ‘nap’ or ‘break’ in Spanish,” she explained.
“And siesta also happens to be the Spanish word of the day!” Grover declared.
Clifford rubbed his forehead. “We’re not on Sesame Street anymore,” he said.
“Are we in de Munchkinland d’en?” Pepe asked.
“Do you see any munchkins?” Rizzo asked.
“Just jou, shorty,” said Pepe.
“Any wHo,” Clifford said, distracting the violent vermin. “While the band takes a siesta, I’m turnin’ the mic over to our very own Fozzie Bear. The best man—”
“Yeah, but the worst bear!” Waldorf called down from the balcony.
Clifford shook his head. “Now I remember why I didn’t wanna get renewed for another season,” he said. “Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear with his speech!”
Fozzie’s regular musical theme played as he stood up from the wedding party table, straightening his pink polka dotted bowtie and took to the microphone. Fozzie cleared his throat and grinned wildly at the crowd. “Hiya, hiya, hiya!” he said. “You’re a wonderful looking audience—and an even more wonderful looking couple! Ahh! Let’s hear it for them folks, my best friends Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy!”
The audience whooped and hollered for the couple who blushed at the cheering.
Fozzie nodded. “You know, I’ve known Kermit for over thirty years! I’ve known Miss Piggy that long too, but she won’t let me say it ‘because she doesn’t want people to think she’s that old! Ahh!” Fozzie joked. “Just kidding Miss Piggy,” he reassured the bride. “Kermit is my best friend in the whole wide world! And I think I’m his—”
“You are Fozzie,” Kermit said with a smile. “Don’t worry.”
“Ahh! Good!” Fozzie said. “We’ve been through everything together! Two T.V. shows, eight movies—and counting, tons of specials, countless jokes—”
“And about three good ones!” Statler said, he and Waldorf cracking up afterwards.
“Hey, you stole my next joke!” Fozzie scolded the hecklers. “Ahh! Just kidding folks, that’s what I do, I kid! But I’d never have a kid… I’ll leave that one to the frog and the pig! Wocka! Wocka!
“Oh but I hope Kermit and Miss Piggy do have kids someday, I’ve always wanted to be an uncle—but I would never spoil the kids, no way! I’d just give them the bear necessities! Ahh! Get it? I know you do Mickey! Ahh!”
Mickey Mouse shook his head. “Do you always deliver the bare minimum, Fozzie?” Mickey joked.
“Ooh, hey,” Statler said, “the mouse is taking our job!” he said to Waldorf.
“Finally! Now we don’t have to work with the Muppets anymore!” Waldorf said.
“I never thought I’d be so happy for forced retirement,” Statler said.
“I did!” Waldorf added.
“Do ho ho ho!”
“Anyway,” Fozzie said, breaking away from the heckles (for now), “Kermit and Miss Piggy have had an on again off again/will they won’t they relationship for so long, some people thought Kermit’s proposal on Max was a puppet!
“But the biggest question everyone had,” Fozzie continued, “is… what about the wedding at the end of The Muppets Take Manhattan? Well… that’s a good question! I don’t know how to explain it either! Ahh!”
“Is this a speech or a monologue?” Statler asked.
Waldorf shrugged. “I can’t tell—both have put me to sleep!”
“Do ho ho ho!”
“But seriously folks,” Fozzie said seriously, “I’m really, really happy for both Kermit and Piggy. I don’t know any two people who love each other so much, and hit each other just as much—well… Miss Piggy does all of the hitting I guess. But she does it with love!”
“Nah,” Floyd called from off-stage. “She just loves to do it!” He laughed heatedly.
“Kermit and Piggy will always love each other, though,” Fozzie said. “Through thick and thin, show after show, karate chop after karate chop—nothing could bring these two apart. And to think—they met at a county fair—but, wait, no… that’s just approximately how it happened.”
“Right,” Rizzo said, “in da movie… Piggy won da beauty contest!”
“C’mon guys,” Fozzie scolded. “We give Miss Piggy a lot of flack around here, but we still love her just as much as anyone else in our family. Though… we don’t love her as much as Kermit does.”
“Thank goodness,” all of the male Muppets declared.
“Kermit, Miss Piggy, from the bottom of my heart,” Fozzie said, turning around to face them. “I love you guys,” he said quietly. He raised a glass of champagne he was hiding somewhere and toasted it to the bride and groom. “Here’s to just as many years of loving each other as husband and wife as you’ve had loving each other in a ‘professional relationship.’”
“Kermit’s a professional and Miss Piggy thinks they’re in a relationship,” the audience recited the tired line while they clinked their own glasses together.
“Well, now no one will think that anymore,” Fozzie said. “They’ll know.”
The crowd applauded Fozzie as he bowed and motioned to Kermit and Piggy, making the applause louder. “Now,” Fozzie said, “I think Kermit has something to say to Miss Piggy.”
Fozzie pulled the microphone out of its stand and carried it over to Kermit. Kermit smiled sincerely at his best friend. “I love you Fozzie,” Kermit told the bear.
“Aww,” Fozzie said. “I know ya do.”
Kermit stood up from his chair as Fozzie sat down in his. He brought the microphone to his mouth and started to speak, “Miss Piggy…”
“Yes my love?” she asked sweetly.
“I… I have a present for you,” Kermit said.
Miss Piggy gasped. “A gift? For moi? Really? Oh Kermie, vous shouldn’t have! What is it?” she asked quickly.
Kermit squirmed slightly. “Well… er… you see… it’s… Miss Piggy, I got you a movie,” he said proudly.
Miss Piggy stared at her frog. “A movie?”
“Yes ma’am,” Kermit said. “A movie.”
“I’ve given you my heart for over thirty years,” Piggy shouted, “and all you give me is a lousy movie?”
Kermit shrunk down, completely unprepared for this response. “Y-y-yes…?”
“Is it at least on Blu-Ray?” Piggy growled.
Kermit stopped and returned himself to full height. “Wait… you think that—oh! No, no Miss Piggy!”
“Uch, just DVD then? Figures,” Piggy grumbled.
“No, no,” Kermit said. “Miss Piggy, a movie—a new movie! Starring you Miss Piggy!”
Miss Piggy did a double take. “Moi? A new movie? Really? Oh Kermie, that’s wonderful! Which classic story are we commandeering this time, hmm?”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I asked the same question,” he said. “But… we’re not Miss Piggy. You’ll get to play you—you’ll get to be yourself, you’ll get to—”
“We will get to show our love for each other?” Miss Piggy swooned.
Kermit frowned. “Something like that.”
“Oh how marvelous!” Miss Piggy said happily. “Which station will we be on? ABC again? Because Kermit, I gotta tell ya, the dressing rooms there are sties!”
Kermit smirked. He grabbed Miss Piggy’s hand and held it tight. “Miss Piggy,” he said to her.
“Yes Kermie?”
“You’re going back to the big-screen.”
“AHHHHHHHHHHH!” Miss Piggy screamed—now up from her chair. “AHHHHHHHHHH!”
“That’s more like it,” Kermit said with a smile.
“The—the big screen?” she asked giddily. “It’s been almost ten years, Kermie! Oh! Oh! Oh! I’ve gotta lose some weight if I’m gonna be that big! Oh Kermie!” Miss Piggy reached around Kermit’s neck and squeezed him tight. “Who could ask for anything more?”
Kermit squirmed. “I thought you’d enjoy the gift,” he said.
“Oh I do, I do,” Piggy said. “And vous just found out today?”
“Umm… no.”
Miss Piggy dropped Kermit from her grasp. “What?” she asked. “How long have you known?”
Kermit gulped. “F-four months…”
“Four months?” she shouted. “And vous didn’t tell moi?”
“I-I-I wanted it to be a surprise,” Kermit said.
“Well then who knew about it? Hmm?” she asked haughtily.
“Well,” Kermit said nervously, “that is, you see Miss Piggy… everyone found out but you.”
“That’s it!” Piggy shrieked. “HI-YA!”
Kermit braced himself for the hit.
It never came.
He looked up, shaking, at Miss Piggy smirking down at him.
“That is for fooling moi,” she said.
Kermit shook wildly. “I-i-it certainly was!”
Miss Piggy laughed airily. “I love you Kermie,” she said, kissing him on the lips. “Thank you for the gift.”
The crowd clapped as Kermit tried to regain composure of himself and Clifford came back to move the reception along.
“So who wrote this script anyhow?” Miss Piggy whispered to Kermit later as the band returned to the stage.
“Well,” Kermit said proudly. “I did, actually.”
“Vous, Kermie?” Miss Piggy asked. “Is that why you were so secretive around moi?”
Kermit shrugged. “Did you think I was seeing another woman?”
Miss Piggy rolled her eyes. “Kermit c’mon, moi would never stoop down to that level.”
“Then why did you have Scooter spying on me?” Kermit asked with a smirk.
Miss Piggy stared at Kermit. “…Let’s agree never to mention this moment again, shall we?”
Kermit laughed. “Deal,” he said.
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