Muppet Fan-Fic: Don't Trip the Driver

[The Count]

Ah! Yes, Death's needed down there... Just as more story is needed fright here! Oh, such rapture...
Wrinkles and rafters and Muppety laughter.
Pirates and tubas and theater life luvas.
Death's contract signing and while Benny thinks ehe's the king.
These are a few of my favorite things.

 

[Fragglemuppet]

Wow, these last..uh..several chapters have been fantastic! I, too, have been on the edge of my seat what with all the action at the theater, and of course all the muppet humor and mahem is simply terrific!

More please!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 34

"Uncle Deadly!" Skeeter shrieked.

Benny cackled from up in the rafters. "One down!"

Clifford ran to the middle of the stage and tried to clear the rubble. Skeeter and Scooter darted to his side, Skeeter grasped Deadly’s hand around the wrist.

"He has no pulse!" Skeeter whispered.

"He’s never had a pulse," Scooter put his hand on his twin’s back.

Skeeter looked at her brother with tears welling in her eyes. "What do we do..."

Benny jumped down from the rafters, smashing on the stage. "I suggest running for your lives, but that’s a matter of opinion."

A ringing sound filled the theater just as the quiet had set in. "Oh, excuse me, that’s mine." Daniel reached down on the floor and pulled up a colorful, plastic toy phone. He answered it. "Hello? ...Oh? Oh really? Oh, that’s great! Fantastic! Alright!" He hung up the phone and was met with the awkward stares of the others. "It was just my boss, she’s moving our meeting location."

Clifford tilted his head to the side. "...Where to?" he asked slowly.

A burst of black flames engulfing the pule of rubble on top of Deadly answered Clifford’s question. The three Muppets were hurled off the stage, back into the band pit, while Benny held his ground against the force of the flames.

The flames slowly diminished, revealing three figures standing amongst them.
"Who... Who are you?" Benny shouted.

A blast of lightning from inside the flames clashed with Benny’s chest, sending him colliding into the first row of seats.

"AND HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?" a shivery, cold voice doused the flames.

"Euphoric," Uncle Deadly’s voice responded.

"GOOD." Death stepped through with The Boss and Uncle Deadly at his side. "NOW LET’S FINISH THIS."

<X>X<X>​

The bus barreled down the highway, this time on the opposite side of the road, and with a dozen pirates on motorcycles following close behind.

"Kermit, where are we?" Fozzie asked.

"Somewhere between California and wherever we were when we left wherever we were about an hour ago," Kermit said.

Fozzie stared at the frog. "...Oh. Well then... Where are we?"

"Meep mee mo mo mee me mo!" Beaker meeped.

"What he said." Rowlf nodded.

"Agreed," Kermit said.

"Ugh!" Gonzo shouted. "I am so bored!"

"Bawk bragawk!" shouted a near-naked Camilla.

"What she said," Rizzo smirked.

"Hey Kermit, think I could hot glue my hands to the roof of the bus, just for kicks?" Gonzo asked Kermit.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Well, any other time, certainly, but we don’t have any hot glue."

"Oh!" Bunsen shouted. "I do! Correct, Beaker?"

"Mo! Mo mo mo!" Beaker shouted.

"That’s okay Bunsen," Gonzo said. "I’ll just use the hot wax from Piggy’s cosmetic set!"

"You lay one feathered finger on moi’s luggage and I’m gonna melt you into hot wax, bucko!" Piggy snarled.

"Ooh! Now that sounds like fun!"

"Jou know what else sounds like fun?" Pepe asked. "Tiki bar, hokay?"

"No, that sounds like ‘tiki bar, hokay’," Beauregard said.

"Beau, I don’t t’ink you could pass a U.S. citizenship test," Rizzo told the dim-witted janitor.

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Sam asked.

"See what I mean?" Rizzo said.

"Hey, green stuff!" Floyd shouted up at Kermit.

Kermit turned around to look back at the hipster. "Yes?"

"Why haven’t we gotten a number in this thing?" Floyd asked.

"Like, fer sure, okay?" Janice said. "You’re like, totally under utilizing our talents."

"TA-LENTS! TA-LENTS!"

"So how about it my flippery friend," Dr. Teeth asked. "May we sooth the soul with a melodious melody?"

Kermit shrugged. "I don’t see why not, we could use some entertainment."

"Play loud!" Animal shouted. "Play loud!"

"Right!" Floyd shouted. "Hit it!"

The music started up with a jazzy note from Zoot on his saxophone, followed by a trumpet ensemble from Lips.

"Life’s like a road that you travel on," Floyd started off singing while jamming on his bass.
"When there’s one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes ya turn your back to the wind."

"There’s a world outside every darkened door," Janice sang.
"Where blues won’t haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore."

"We won’t hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There’s not much time left today." The hippy couple harmonized.

"Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
Well, I wanna drive it all night long," Dr. Teeth sang the chorus.

"All night! All night!" Animal shouted in between bangs on his drum set.

"Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it’s all around
I love you now like I loved you then," Floyd continued.

"This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights," Janice sang as well.

"We haven’t gone to any of those places, man!" Zoot shouted.

"Don’t point out facts, just play the sax!" Floyd told him.

Zoot did as he was told and played out a few notes.

"Knock me down, and back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man," Dr. Teeth sang.

"There's no load I can't hold
Road so rough, this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivin’," Dr. Teeth held the last line until a loud cymbal crash from Animal.

"HIGH-WAY!" Animal shouted.

"I wanna ride it all night long!" Janice sang.

"If you’re goin’ my way
I wanna drive it all night long," Floyd sang to Janice.

The rest of the Muppets were dancing in the aisle of the bus and in their seats.

"Tuba solo!" Bobo shouted.

"NO!" answered back the rest of the bus.

"Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long," the band sang.

"If you're going my way
Well, I wanna drive it all night long," they finished.

"Drive it! Heh heh heh!" Floyd laughed.

"Oh like, fer sure hon." Janice squeezed her beau.

"Drive it!" Animal shouted. "All night! All night! Ha ha ha!"

"Looks like that got Animal riled up," Dr. Teeth mused.

"And put Zoot out." Floyd pointed to the now-sleeping saxophonist.

"What doesn’t?" Dr. Teeth laughed.

"Good grief." Kermit shook his head. "Oh well, at least it’s better than a love song, right Robin?"

"Right," Robin said, grinning.

"Moi begs to differ." Piggy curled her lips.

"You always do," Kermit smirked. "You always do."

 

[redBoobergurl]

Awesome! I love the song Life is a Highway. Great choice!

 

[The Count]

Ditto awesome! I love Scooter and Skeeter consoling each other at the pule that laid on top of Uncle D. Pule? What the heck is a pule anyway? That like a cross between a pig and a mule? Ewwww.
Also loved Death and The Boss arrived with Uncle D to finish Benny. Come on Prawny, post more! You know wyou want to... You know you have to...

 

[TogetherAgain]

Mmm, the things I love... Well, the Prawn, for starters, but that goes without saying.

Foistive all... "He has no pulse!" "He's never had a pulse." It kinda hurts and it's kinda funny. You're good at that. You're fantastic at that. Stop me before I run out of adjectives.

Nummer zwei, das Spiel- ...wrong language, sorry. Daniel's toy phone. AWESOME! A lovely little poke at IAVMMCM (I love rattling off that acronym...)

Shalosh, (How many languages can I get into this post...) THE FLAMES! THE LIGHTNING! TAKE THAT, BENNY! HAAAAAA! <ahem> Very exciting.

Number.... Um... dang it, I can't count any higher in any language other that one I've already used... Oh well. Four. I absolutely ADORE Kermit's answer to Fozzie's, "Where are we?"

The random Muppet ramble, which I must say, you are SO good at!!! I LOVE the hot glue, the wax, the U.S. citizenship test... Janice's line about under-utilizing their talent! PRICELESS!

And naturalement, THE SONG! Enough said there.

Okay, not enough said there. TUBA SOLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And OF COURSE, this.

"Good grief." Kermit shook his head. "Oh well, at least it’s better than a love song, right Robin?"

"Right," Robin said, grinning.

"Moi begs to differ." Piggy curled her lips.

"You always do," Kermit smirked. "You always do."

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY it makes me happyflu! ...er... that is, um... <adds to Prawnie/Toga dictionary>

MORE PLEASE!

 

[The Count]

*Hearing Lisa's semi-review... Um, cuatro? *Run to finish segment catro of Valenntomb, which that crazy (term I'm unsure of using for fear of offendig one of my greatest friends when that's ot what I'd mea to do) girl hasn't even noticed so far.

 

[Leyla]

Hi Prawnie! Yay for updating! That's one of those things I used to do before school swallowed up my energy. Ah, well!

"He has no pulse!" Skeeter whispered.

"He’s never had a pulse," Scooter put his hand on his twin’s back.

<laughs> Awesome!

Benny jumped down from the rafters, smashing on the stage. "I suggest running for your lives, but that’s a matter of opinion."

Your villain is scary, but still funny. You're very good at not letting your stories get too heavy. Of course, I like the heavy stuff too... but it's nice and muppety villainy.

"It was just my boss, she’s moving our meeting location."

Ha! What a fun way of bringing them into this. Such a Daniel thing to say too.

"AND HOW DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?" a shivery, cold voice doused the flames.

"Euphoric," Uncle Deadly’s voice responded.

Oooh, tres creepy. I'm quite surprised at the Boss coming along as well... very interesting.

"Ugh!" Gonzo shouted. "I am so bored!"

<laughs> And elsewhere, Gonzo is bored. Somehow I think he'd be bored even if he were in the theatre.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Well, any other time, certainly, but we don’t have any hot glue."

Nice try averting the Gonzo related chaos, Kermit.

"That’s okay Bunsen," Gonzo said. "I’ll just use the hot wax from Piggy’s cosmetic set!"

"You lay one feathered finger on moi’s luggage and I’m gonna melt you into hot wax, bucko!" Piggy snarled.

See, that's a much BETTER try at averting Gonzo- related-

"Ooh! Now that sounds like fun!"

Oh. Nevermind.

Kermit shrugged. "I don’t see why not, we could use some entertainment."

I sometimes feel that lines like this explain how Kermit wound up with these lovely wackos. You want to come with... eh.... why not! You want to try a new act Gonzo, eh... why not? You want to have a quiet little dinner for two, Miss Piggy... eh... <gulp> Why... not...

"Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
Well, I wanna drive it all night long," Dr. Teeth sang the chorus.

Great choice of song! I can so picture this! I can see it in my mind!... Sorry... got a little distracted there.

"Tuba solo!" Bobo shouted.

"NO!" answered back the rest of the bus.

<laughs!> Awesome.

"Looks like that got Animal riled up," Dr. Teeth mused.

"And put Zoot out." Floyd pointed to the now-sleeping saxophonist.

"What doesn’t?" Dr. Teeth laughed.

Good question.

"Good grief." Kermit shook his head. "Oh well, at least it’s better than a love song, right Robin?"

"Right," Robin said, grinning.

"Moi begs to differ." Piggy curled her lips.

"You always do," Kermit smirked. "You always do."

<giggles> Don't act like you don't enjoy it when she begs, Kermit! Wait... that came out ... exactly like I planned it.

<slinks off to ushy gush>

 

[The Count]

*Happy sigh. A long Layla review post. And all is right with the world once again.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 35

Benny rubbed his head as he sat up in the seat he had been recently blasted in to. "You’re a real pain in the neck, you know that Deadly?"

Uncle Deadly cracked his knuckles. "I try."

Uncle Deadly hopped into the band pit to check on Scooter, Skeeter, and Clifford. All three of whom were somehow intertwined with a musical instrument.

"ARE THEY ALRIGHT?" Death asked.

Uncle Deadly rose an eyelid and turned to stare at the cloaked figure. "Pardon?"

"ARE THE THREE OF THEM ALRIGHT?" Death asked again.

"Yes... They’re fine." Uncle Deadly helped Skeeter to her feet.

"More or less," Skeeter said, pulling a triangle out from around her leg.

Scooter stood up on his own accord, and on someone else’s harpsichord. "Who are these... People?" Scooter asked Clifford.

"Got me." Clifford tried pulling himself out of a bass drum.

"This is Death," Uncle Deadly introduced his boss. "And The Boss."

Clifford and the twins looked the two figures up and down. "Man, why does ‘The Boss’ look like Whoopi Goldberg?"

"For the record," The Boss interjected. "Goldberg stole my look. I had these braids long before she did."

The three Muppets exchanged glances. "I am so glad I don’t live with you guys," Skeeter mumbled.

Benny stood up and jumped back onto the stage. "I hate to break up the party again, again, but I’m not finished here."

Death turned to look at the gray man who had nearly lost him his job. "WHY DOES THAT MAN HAVE MY SCYTHE, DEADLY?"

"Oh," The Boss bit her lip. "Did I forget to mention that part?"

"YOU DID, YES," Death sighed.

"No matter though!" Daniel ran towards the stage. "Go on Boss, just use some divine intervention!"

The Boss shrugged. "Sorry Danny L., I can’t."

"What?!" Deadly shouted.

"WHY NOT?" Death asked.

"Earth has severe limits on my power. I blame global warming, personally." The Boss perched herself on a box backstage. "Don’t let me mess up your fight though."

"Don’t worry," Benny said. "I won’t!" The gray man darted himself towards Death, swinging the scythe. Death twirled, dodging the slice. "He who holds the scythe holds the power!" Benny hissed.

"POWER CAN BE MEASURED IN MANY WAYS MY BOY," Death told him. "UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, I POSSESS MANY OF THOSE WAYS."

"And I possess the other one!" Uncle Deadly joined Death at his side.

"I won’t let you take away my life!" Benny cried.

"WHAT LIFE, VANDERGAST?" Death asked. "YOU ARE NOT REALLY ALIVE, DON’T YOU SEE THAT? YOU’RE LIVING A SHAM, A LIFE OF FRAUD, AND YOU’RE HAPPY WITH THAT?"

"I’m not here to talk, Death." Benny’s eyes became red slits on his face.

"AND I’M NOT HERE TO FIGHT," Death told him.

"Then we seem to have a problem here." Benny began to walk around Death and Deadly.

"We can solve this problem," Uncle Deadly told him.

"ONE OF TWO WAYS," Death said.

"I was never good at multiple choice tests," Benny sneered.

"MAKE A MOVE AND YOU’LL MAKE YOUR CHOICE." Death readied himself for what was to come.

Benny grinned that evil toothy grin. "Fine with me!" Benny shot from where he was standing towards Death and Uncle Deadly. Both of them dove to either side and landed on their feet.

"Come now Death," Benny started towards him. "It’s not like you have any powers without this scythe anyway!"

"THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK, IS IT?" Death stood frozen, staring down Benny as he ran towards him.

"That’s what I-" Benny was stopped, abruptly.

By Death’s bony palm on his face.

<X>X<X>

​

The sign was big, with huge white print that read "Welcome to California!" And best of all, it was green.

It was a combination of the two that sparked the huge grin that spread across Kermit’s face as they crossed the state line.

"Oh boy!" Robin hopped up and down in his seat. "That means we’re almost home, right Uncle Kermit?"

"That’s right Robin," Kermit told his nephew.

"Where to first boss frog?" Butch asked from the driver’s seat.

"Good question. What do you think Rowlf? Fozzie?" Kermit asked his friends.

"Well, if we go to the boarding house, the Chef will cook for us..." Fozzie said.

"And if we go to the theater, the Chef will cook for us," Rowlf pointed out.
"Oh yeah." Fozzie frowned.

"But didn’t those pirates take all of our keys to the theater anyway?" Rowlf asked.

"Uh oh..." Fozzie bit his fingers.

"Sheesh," Kermit sighed. "I forgot about that."

"But what about Gonzo?" Robin asked.

"Hmm?" Kermit looked at his nephew.

"Well, we didn’t find Gonzo again until after the pirates took the keys," Robin said. "Doesn’t Gonzo have one?"

Kermit smiled and patted Robin on the head. "You just saved us Robin!"

Kermit stood up and walked back to Gonzo’s seat. "Gonzo, do you have your theater key?"

"Yup!" Gonzo said. "I didn’t leave it in my other underwear this time."

"Under where?" Rizzo asked.

"Good grief." Kermit shook his head. "Hold onto your key Gonzo, we’re gonna need it."

"You bet, Kermit!" Gonzo grinned.

"Alright Butch, to the theater!" Kermit told the driver.

"You heard the frog ya blue behemoth!" Piggy growled. "Move it!"

"What’s biting her bum?" Pepe asked.

"That is disgusting!" Sam shouted.

"Just a question..." Pepe muttered.

"Everything you say is a question!" Lew Zealand said.

"Es not my fault, hokay?" Pepe shouted. "Es just how I was born into dis world, hokay? Don’t down me for dat!"

"Guys, guys, please!" Kermit calmed the waters. "Let’s try not to kill each other until we get back to the theater."

"Why would we want to kill each other there?" Beauregard asked.

"Because- Oh, never mind." Kermit stomped off, back to his seat.