Chapter 36
Silence lingered as Death held Benny’s face with his palm. Benny breathed through the bony fingers, slowly, and carefully, eyes wider than saucers.
"GIVE ME MY SCYTHE," Death said, annunciating every syllable, making his point heard.
Benny Vandergast’s palm tightened around the wooden handle of the scythe. "Give me my life back."
"YOU HAVE NO LIFE. YOU SHOULD BE DEAD." Death held his grip on Benny’s bony face.
"Touche Death," Benny whispered. "But that’s what I want. My life. You want your scythe, I want my life. Eye for an eye."
"I HAVE NO EYES." Death bore through Benny’s head with his lack-of-eyes.
"Do you accept my trade?" Benny asked harshly.
"YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO BARTER WITH ME."
"That," Benny swiped at Death’s feet with the scythe, knocking him to the ground. "Is what you think!" Death hit the stage floor hard and Benny repositioned himself on top of him. Benny put his nose right up to Death’s hood. "Who’s making the demands now?"
Before Death could answer, Benny was tackled off of him by Uncle Deadly. The two wrestled on the stage, their hands met, lightning surged from Uncle Deadly’s palms, and the scythe skidded off along the stage. "Go Death!" Uncle Deadly shouted as Benny squeezed his grip on Deadly’s hands. "Don’t worry about-"
Benny kicked Deadly right in his chest, sending him shirking to the floor in pain. "No!" Benny lashed out. He made a dive for the scythe, grabbing it and cradling it against his chest. "It is mine!" he hissed.
Death stood up from the ground, staring at the man holding his scythe. "NO," he said blankly. "NO IT IS NOT."
Benny’s eyes changed to a cloudy gray color, then went to white. Pure white. "It’s mine!" he shouted, his voice going into a high, uncontrolled pitch. "It’s mine!"
"VANDERGAST, LISTEN TO ME, YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT." Death stepped forward.
"I can!" Benny sneered. "It’s mine! You can’t take it! I won’t let you!"
"Boy’s lost it," Clifford whispered.
Skeeter wrapped her arms around Clifford’s arm. Scooter looked back at his uncle, still unconscious in the theater seats (Hopefully unconscious anyway). Daniel watched in a mix of awe and horror. "I promise Daniel," Scooter said. "Our normal shows around here aren’t anything like this."
Daniel gulped. "That’s... that’s very good to know."
"BOSS..." Death sighed. "PLEASE..."
The Boss peered over an issue of "Slanderous Junk Weekly" at Death. "Sorry, can’t help you." She crossed her legs and smirked. "But don’t forget, that ones powers aren’t always connected to material possessions." She winked.
Death’s head shot up in realization. "OF COURSE," he murmured. "ALRIGHT VANDERGAST, LET’S GO, FIGHT ME."
Benny cackled. "Fight you?! Fight you?! What do you think I’ve been doing ever since I was born?! That’s what everyone does! They fight off Death! Most people just don’t get to do it face to face!" Benny jumped up from his crumpled position on the floor and fired a blast of heat at Death.
Death extended both his bony arms and caught the flames between his palms, taking in the energy.
Benny landed on all fours, the scythe still clenched between his fists. He charged at Death, as he neared, he swung downwards, as Death jumped over Benny, landing behind him, Benny connected scythe with stage. Benny tried to free the blade from the wood, but it wouldn’t budge.
"MY TURN!" Death declared, shooting his arms in the air, preparing to strike.
"UNCLE DEEEEEEEEEADLY!" Sal’s voice rang through the theater. "We brought ya some canolis!" The monkey trotted into the seating area, catching the eyes of every person and Muppet in the theater. "Oh... is this a bad time?"
"Why would this be a bad time?" Kermit asked, pushing his way into the theater. "We should be the only ones-" Kermit doubled back in horror. "Hubba hubba wha’?!" His Saturn-shaped eyes drew in all the goings on inside the Muppet Theater.
"PAR-TY! PAR-TY!"
"Geez, Kerm, if you’re gonna rent the place out, do it in a classy way, ya know?"
"Yo, green stuff! If our instruments are busted are we covered in the insurance?"
"Kermie, vous did not tell moi that there was a party here while we were gone! Oh! It must be a surprise party! I’ll go change!"
"Mee mo meep me mo!"
"...Is this the meeting of the Fozzie Bear fan club?"
"Nah, t’ere’s too many people here."
"Hey, who invited Whoopi Goldberg?"
"Uncle Kermit?" Robin tugged at his stupefied uncle. "This isn’t really a party, is it?"
Kermit slowly shook his head. "Uh, no... no Robin, I don’t think so."
"Kermit," Uncle Deadly said softly from on stage. "Be gone."
Kermit gulped. "No. We’re a family, and we’re sticking together."
Death heard Kermit’s sentiments and let out a happy sigh, he had made the right decision.
But Benny was completely ready to make him regret it. He ripped the scythe from the floor, scattering wood splinters everywhere.
"Hey, we just had that floor re-fur-bished!" Beauregard said.
"Si, we had to fill in a pork-hole!" Pepe shouted.
The Muppets made their way down the aisle. Kermit was clenching Robin’s hand in his, not planning on letting go anytime soon. His eyes caught Daniel’s as they made their way down the aisle, Kermit pulled aside to talk to him. "Daniel?" Kermit asked. "Wha- What are you doing here?"
"I’m not actually sure," Daniel scratched his head. "At first I was here to make sure Clifford, Uncle Deadly, Skeeter, and Scooter were okay, and now-"
"That’s nice Daniel," Kermit snubbed him off, joining the rest of the group in front of the band pit. "Clifford! Scooter!" Kermit called.
"Yo Kerm! Nice timing, dude," Clifford said.
Benny swung away recklessly at Death. Death continued dodging. "FROG!" Death shouted to Kermit. "GET UNCLE DEADLY OFF OF THE STAGE!"
Kermit nodded. "Right."
"Left," Zoot said, half asleep as always.
"Augh!" Kermit groaned. "Alright, Sweetums, grab Uncle Deadly."
"You got it, boss!" The monster reached on stage and drug Uncle Deadly off by his tail.
"No," Deadly moaned. "Don’t let me go!" The phantom clenched his stomach.
"We’re not going anywhere," Gonzo reassured him. "Kermit, do what you have to do, I’ll take care of Uncle Deadly!"
Kermit nodded. "Thanks Gonzo."
Gonzo put a hand on Kermit’s shoulder and nodded before running off to aid Uncle Deadly’s pain as Sweetums set him on the floor.
"Kermit, what can I do?" Fozzie asked.
Kermit examined the situation, he looked at all angles of the theater, formatting a plan. "Fozzie?" Kermit looked right into his best friend’s eyes.
"Yes?" Fozzie asked, ready to sing a cabaret number if Kermit asked him to (and he half expected him to).
"I want you to get on stage and tell jokes," Kermit told him.
"Huh?"
"That’s right," Kermit said. "We need distractions, lots of ‘em."
"Hey man," Floyd called. "I’ve been told we could distract a dog from its bone!"
"Or, like, Animal from a woman!" Janice laughed.
"WO-MAN! WO-MAN!" Animal chanted.
"Good!" Kermit pointed to the band.
"I could deliver a compelling speech arguing the morals of-" Sam began.
"We don’t wanna put ‘em to sleep, Sam," Rowlf said.
"Beau," Kermit addressed the janitor.
"Me?" Beauregard asked, shocked.
"Yes, I want you and Sweetums to get out all the sets and special effects we have wired up right now, and go crazy!" Kermit told him.
"Oh, my specialty!" The janitor ran off.
"Lew, you’re on boomerang fish duty!"
"Ah ha! Finally, my big break!"
"Johnny, you and Sal put on a number!"
"You got it!"
"JOHNNY FIAMMA SAYS YOU GOT IT!"
"Good." Kermit nodded. He looked around and gulped. "Er, Harry...?"
Crazy Harry cackled, staring at the frog with his huge eyes.
"Light duty," Kermit declared.
"He he he! Crazy Harry blind them!" Harry laughed.
Kermit thought for a second. "Clifford?"
"Yeah man?" the co-host responded.
"You better go with him."
"...Why me, man? Why is it always me?" Clifford sulked off after Harry, with Skeeter toddling behind.
"Camilla? Rizzo?"
"Brawk?"
"Yeah?"
"Round up the chickens and the rats, let loose!"
"Bawk brawk!"
"Heh! C’mon Pepe!"
"Si, si, vamanos!"
"Well, that looks like everyone," Kermit told Robin.
"Mister Kermit sir! Mister Kermit!" Bunsen ran up. "What about Beaker and I?"
Kermit smirked. "Go wild."
"Oh! Delightful! Come now Beaker!" Bunsen shouted, pulling Beaker off with him.
"Mo!!" Beaker shrieked.
"Yo, frog!" Butch shouted. "You forgot Clyde and me!"
"Clyde and I," Clyde corrected. Butch thumped Clyde on the head with his fist. "Yeah," Clyde said dizzily. "What about Butch and me?"
Kermit scratched his head. "Um, well," he stuttered. "You could-"
"Try and sell them travel arrangements!" Robin shouted.
Kermit grinned. "Try to sell them travel arrangements!"
"Right! C’mon Clyde, where’re those brochures?" Butch asked as the duo ran off.
Scooter ran up to Kermit carrying a clipboard and a Styrofoam cup. "Boss! Boss! I brought you some coffee!"
Kermit scrunched up his face. "Sheesh. Good to see you again Scooter."
"We’re still gonna need somethin’ big Kermit," Rowlf said.
"Don’t worry," Kermit said. "I’m sure we’ll think of something."
Piggy burst through the doors wearing a gleaming silver dress and a bright pink boa around her neck with a massive feathered hat on her head. "Moi am here." She breathed.
Kermit’s grin grew huge. "Rowlf?"
"Yeah Kermit?"
"I think I thought of something."
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