Muppet Fan-Fic: Don't Trip the Driver

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 25


"Are you sure this is the right place?" Mad Monty asked, pushing through bushes and stems.

Angel Marie tripped, falling flat on his face. "I think I’m rediscovering my roots," he moaned.

"I think that joke’s older than I am," Really Old Tom said, hobbling through the woods.

"Nothin’ is older than you are," Polly said. "And yes, Benny said he’d be here."

"But Polly, Benny just said ‘the woods’, how are we supposed to know which woods he means?" Clueless asked.

"Because, he said, ‘just pull over and bring the keys into the woods, I’ll find you.’" Polly ducked underneath a low branch.

"But, how will we find him?" Monty asked.

"I dunno, he’ll probably find us," Polly said. "He’s creepy like that, ya know?"

"Yeah," Clueless said. "He’s a real weirdo."

"A terrible tyrant with a creepy laugh," Black Dog spoke up.

"A youngin’ who doesn’t know where he’s goin’!" Old Tom said.

"Yeah! Yeah!" Polly laughed. "And he’s a real jerk too! He doesn’t even have a good dental plan!"

"Uh, Polly-" Clueless poked the lobster.

"Quiet Clueless. Benny is so stupid, it took ‘im two hours to watch sixty minutes!" Polly laughed.

"But Polly-" Clueless prodded.

"No Clueless, listen. Benny’s so un-dead, that he makes a group of zombies look like the Vienna boys choir!"Polly laughed again. None of the other pirates chuckled, or moved for that matter. "What’s wrong with you guys?" Polly asked.

Clueless began shaking as he pointed behind Polly.

"So, just how stupid am I, lobster boy?" Benny glared down at the crafty crustacean from his perch on a tree stump.

"Oh no..." Polly moaned. "Clueless, why didn’t you warn me?!"

"Shut up Polly," Benny slipped off the stump. "Give me the keys."

Polly nodded, he reached into his leather jacket and pulled out all of the keys. "Here ya go boss," Polly dumped the keys out of his claw into Benny’s gray hand.

Benny closed the keys around his hand. The cold metal hardly phased his cold, dead hand. "Good." Benny pocketed the keys.

"Um, excuse me, creepy guy," Clueless poked up. "How did you get here without even a car even?"

Benny turned to face the goat. He bent his spine, lowering his eyes to the level of the goat’s. "Well, wouldn’t you like to know."

"Yes, that’s why I asked." Clueless nodded.

Benny stood up straight and shook his head. "Polly?" Benny hissed.

"Y-Yes, boss?" Polly stammered.

"Don’t bother coming back to the theater," Benny said.

"Wh-What?" Polly asked.

"I’m done with you, all of you." Benny reached down into the thick woodland grass, pulling out the scythe.

Clueless ducked. "I’m sorry mister Vandergast! Don’t chop my head!"

Benny rolled his yellow eyes. "Stupid goat..." he muttered.

Benny jumped atop the stump again, and sliced through the air with the scythe, opening a new dimension, one in which he could travel back to the theater. "Stay away from my theater," Benny hissed to the pirates before disappearing through the rift in the air.

"Um, Polly," Clueless asked quietly.

"Y-Yeah Clueless?" Polly continued shaking from fear.

"What was that thing that just happened?" Clueless asked, dumbfounded.

"We just got fired! That’s what happened!" Polly shouted.

"But I don’t feel any warmer." Clueless blinked.

"No you idiot! We got canned! Kicked! Undone!" Polly yelled.

"I don’t’ feel any of those things either Polly..."

"You are a complete moron, ya know that?"

"No no, I’m completely Clueless, there’s a difference."

Polly smacked Clueless across the face with his claw. "Shut up dummy! Now we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere with no reason to rhyme!"

"Oh! Rhyming! I love to rhyme!" Angel Marie said.

"No stupid!" Polly groaned. "We’ve got nothin’ to do now!"

"Huh?" Clueless scratched his head.

"GAH! C’mon, we’re gonna go catch up with dose Muppets and try and get a job..." Polly muttered, making his way back to the motorcycles.

<X>X<X>

​

Uncle Deadly climbed the ladder on the side of the theater with Scooter following close behind. "Watch your step Scooter," Uncle Deadly told the go-fer. "There’s a loose rung."

Scooter watched his steps carefully, hoping not to fall. "You sure this door’ll be unlocked Uncle D.?"

"No, I’m not," Deadly stepped onto the roof and helped Scooter up as well.
"Well then what’ll we do if we can’t get in?" Scooter asked.

"Simple young man," Deadly reached into his waist coat and pulled out a golden piece of metal wire twisted every which way. "We’ll just have to do a little nit-picking, if you will."

Scooter smirked. "So that’s how you get into the lighting booth and rewire Cliff’s light..."

Uncle Deadly smiled. "We phantoms need our little tricks to get by you know."

"So I’ve heard." Scooter stuck his hands in his green jacket. "Cold." He shivered.

Deadly nodded. "Indeed."

The phantom made his way to the door atop the roof. He slipped the piece of wire into the key hole and fiddled around with it. The lock clicked loudly.

"Brilliant!" Uncle Deadly shouted.

"It opened?" Scooter shouted.

"No, I just won the lottery," Uncle Deadly said sarcastically.

"Really? Oh, well that’s great Uncle Deadly! Now we can finally pay off the mortgage on the theater and-"

"I was joking you twit!" Deadly shouted.

Scooter grinned."I know, so was I."

Deadly smirked. "You’re lucky your uncle owns this theater boy."

>X<X>X<

​

"Yo Skeet, did the door work?" Clifford asked.

"What do you think?" Skeeter muttered.

"Well sah-ree man," Clifford rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses.

"What did you call me?" Skeeter stared at him.

"Uh... Aw nuts..." Clifford moaned.

"Yeah, now would be the time to run," Skeeter cracked her knuckles.

"Uh, Skeet, just calm down babe." Clifford began to back up against the wall.
"Don’t call me babe," she growled.

"Yeah, right, um, did you get that necklace I sent you?"

"Nice try dread locks," Skeeter said. She reached out, and punched him on his nose.

Suddenly, the backstage door opened. Scooter and Uncle Deadly looked out at Skeeter and the out-cold Clifford. "Uh..."

"Shut up," Skeeter muttered. She picked Clifford up by his feet and dragged him into the theater.

 

[The Count]

Wonderful... Pirates' dialogue funny as ever. Benny, still chilling. But at least our fearless friends arrived at the theater and successfully infiltrated the premisses. Now come on Prawn, post more!

 

[redBoobergurl]

Yea update!!!! More good stuff too, my favorite part being Scooter, Clifford and Skeeter at the end. I'm actually enjoying the three of them as a team quite a bit, very fun! Would love to say more but I gotta run. Post more soon!

 

[christyb]

Holy Toledo...wait is Toledo holy? Nevermind..anyways...is there any way that I can get your stories emailed to me Prawnie and Lisa?? Twould make catching up easier.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 26

"Es dat him?"

"No, dat’s a cow."

"Oh... Es dat him den?"

"No, dat’s anot’er cow."

"Dios mio, since when did Gonso become a cow?"

"He’s not a cow!" Rizzo shouted.

"Speaking of such," Dr. Teeth said. "Whatever happened to your horse friend my verminous friend?"

"I told you guys already, he disappeared!" Rizzo glared.

"Si, just like Ritzo’s mind did jears ago, hokay?" Pepe said.

Kermit frowned. "Any sign of them Mrs. Bear?" he asked the driver.

"No, not yet mister lizard!" Emily shouted over the roar of the engine. "I tell ya though, this is some adventure you got goin’ here!"

"Tell me about it," Kermit sighed.

"Hey Kermit! Kermit!" Fozzie ran up to the frog.

"Yes Fozzie, what is it?" Kermit sighed.

"I have a very, very important question for you, frog of my heart." Fozzie put his hand on Kermit’s shoulder.

Kermit stared down at Fozzie’s hand. "Fozzie, if this is another joke, I’ll-"

"You read me like a book, Kermit!" Fozzie grinned.

"Which book?" Kermit asked.

"‘Pride and Prejudice’?"

"‘Wicked’?"

"‘Herry Putter und zee Gublet ooff Fure-a’?"

"‘Of Rats and Men’?"

"‘Mean Girls’, hokay? And trust me, es very true to life."

"HAM-LET! HAM-LET!"

"What did you say?!"

"I have never heard of that book."

"Like, ‘War Not Peace’, fer sure."

"Ain’t it ‘War And Peace’ baby?"

"Like, how can you have war and peace?"

"I like ‘Winnie-the-Pooh’," Fozzie said. "One of the great bears in literature."

"One of the only bears in literature," Rowlf smirked.

"Well I like him too," Robin grinned, clutching Kermit’s hand.

"Me too," Kermit rubbed his nephew’s head. "What was your question Fozzie?"

"Oh! My question! Ahh! Yes! My question for you, Kermit, frog of my heart, my boss, my friend, my inspiration, is this..." Fozzie paused.

"Yes?" Kermit asked.

"Why do they call it rush hour if nothing moves?" Fozzie asked. "Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!"

"Fozzie, that was-"

Kermit stopped, he looked out his window, into the rearview mirror on the driver’s side. He saw a semi truck moving towards them quickly, and a large, furry head sticking out the window, waving it’s large, furry arm. "Mrs. Bear! It’s Sweetums!"

"No, it’s Mrs. Bear to you lizard," Emily said.

"In the truck behind us! Sweetums is riding in the truck behind us!" Kermit shouted.

"Is he wearing his seatbelt?" Fozzie asked.

"They don’t make big enough seatbelts," Butch said.

"Isn’t that what you said earlier about Miss Piggy?" Clyde asked the blue monster.

"HI-YA!"

"Shouldn’t we pull over Uncle Kermit?" Robin asked.

"Why would we pull over Kermit?" Beauregard asked. "He’s right here, and he’s not even speeding."

"Certainly not into marriage," Piggy groaned.

"Certainly not," Kermit replied. "Pull over Mrs. Bear!"

"You’re not a cop!" Emily shouted.

"No, but I played one on TV," Bobo announced.

"No you did not," Rizzo put his arms at his side. "You played a security guard!"

Bobo shrugged. "Close enough."

<X>X<X>

​

"Okay Uncle Deadly, we’re in," Scooter said. "What do we do now."

Uncle Deadly rapped his nails on Kermit’s desk. "Honestly, I didn’t think we’d get this far."

"Oh good grief," Skeeter buried her eyes in her hand.

"So we have no plan? No nothing?" Scooter asked.

"Well first," Uncle Deadly said. "I think we should work on reviving Clifford here. Again."

"Sorry about that... Again." Skeeter blushed.

"That’s alright," Uncle Deadly said. "I enjoy delivering shock therapy."

Uncle Deadly cracked his weathered knuckles and placed both of his palms on Clifford’s chest.

"Heh," Scooter laughed. "This should be fun to watch."

Skeeter shot her twin a glare. "Go ahead Uncle D.," she told the phantom.
Deadly nodded. He placed his palms back on Clifford’s chest.

Suddenly, on the stage, a loud bang was heard, and a rift opened in midair.
The bang caused Deadly to fire his jolts, more than he meant to, coursing through Clifford’s body.

"Clifford!" Skeeter shrieked. She ran to Clifford’s side and grabbed his wrist. "His... His pulse!"

Scooter leapt over to Skeeter, and Deadly walked zombie-like towards the stage. "I know that sound..." he hissed.

"Scooter there’s no pulse! Clifford has no pulse!"

The sounds behind Uncle Deadly were meaningless now, all that mattered now was what came out of that rift above the stage. Whatever it was would be the end or a new beginning.

 

[TogetherAgain]

...........................................................<Faints>

 

[Leyla]

CLIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFORD!!!!!!!!

Gasp! Wow! I didn't see that one coming! And yeesh! What's gotten into Uncle Deadly!

Awesome chapter Prawnie, really very funny, right up until the end there which I really didn't anticipate at all! LOVED the marriage line, from both parties. Just hysterical.

YAY!!!

 

[The Count]

*A hand rises from the audience, covered in darkest black gloves... Prawn... Must... have... more story... Nooooooooow!

 

[Beauregard]

A nice new chapter! I loved all the pullover confusions (cashmere is washable), and am EXCITED to know about that HORSE!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 27

"Well, thank you very much sir," Kermit said to the truck driver.

"Oh, I’m just glad to help," the balding truck driver said. He smiled down at the frog with his clean shaved chin and through his glasses.

"Thanks again, Dave!" Sweetums growled at the driver.

"Anytime Sweetums, anytime! Good luck finding your weirdo friend," Dave the truck driver said.

"Which one?" Kermit asked.

Dave stared down at the frog. "The weird one."

Kermit frowned. "How very specific."

"Anyway, I’ll be seeing you Muppets around. Holler if you need anything truck-driver-based," Dave told them, closing the door.

The truck started back up and pulled off down the highway. Kermit looked up at Sweetums. "Good to have you back, pal."

"Good to be back boss!" Sweetums laughed.

"Well, just climb in through the back of the bus. You know the one, you made it." Kermit began to walk back to the bus pulled over on the side of the road.

"Sorry ‘bout that, I don’t have very good luck with cars," Sweetums said.

"I know. My van still doesn’t have a trunk door." Kermit scrunched up his face and climbed back on the bus.

The back of the bus sunk down with the new ton of weight added to the back of the bus.

"SWEETUMS!" Robin shouted when the monster got on the bus.

"Great," Piggy groaned. "The ugliest member of our little troupe has returned."

"When did she leave?" Johnny asked.

The entire bus, aside from Kermit and Piggy laughed at the joke.

"What did you say you pseudo Sinatra?!" Piggy growled.

"Johnny Fiama said ‘When did she leave’! You gotta problem with it? Ya-ya-BUTT HEAD?!" Sal met Piggy’s nose with his.

"BUTT HEAD?!" Piggy stormed. "Did you just call me a butt head?!"

"Yeah, you gonna do something about it, ya-ya-BUTT HEAD?!" Sal shouted again.

"You bet I’m gonna do something about it! HII-YA!" Piggy chopped. Sal took the chop in the chest and flew into Animal’s drum set.

"Okay, that’s it, no more mister nice monkey!" Sal darted towards the pig.
"Bring it on!!" Piggy screamed.

"Oh it’s already broughten!" Johnny shouted.

"JOHNNY FIAMA SAYS IT’S ALREADY BROUGHTEN!!" Sal cried.

"HIII-YAA!!" Piggy threw a punch.

Sal took the punch in his face. "C’mon? Is that all ya got?!" Sal dove towards Piggy.

Kermit looked at Rowlf, who grabbed Robin, who looked at Kermit, who looked at Fozzie, who couldn’t look away from the fight.

"I’ll handle this, again," Kermit sighed.

"Take that!" Piggy tossed Sal into Camilla’s seat, sending feathers flying everywhere.

"Ahh!" Fozzie said. "Looks like Sal is down for the count! Get it? Down! Wocka! Wocka!"

"I’ll give you the ol’ one two! The ol’ three four! Even the ol’ five six!" Sal got back up and hopped back towards Piggy.

"This stupid monkey just won’t give up!" Piggy growled.

"That’s what I hired him for," Johnny examined his cuticles.

"Take this!" Sal punched, Piggy kicked him. "And that!" Sal kicked, Piggy punched. "And some of this!!" Sal gave a head butt, Piggy kneed.

"Alright, alright," Kermit walked towards the squabbling pair.

"As a boneologist, I know all the pressure points! KOWABUNGA!!" Sal dove towards Piggy, Piggy dodged, and grabbed the monkey by his feet. She swung him around and tossed him right into her frog.

"Oh!" Piggy whined. "Kermie! Moi am so, so sorry!"

Kermit pushed Sal off of his chest. He stood up and stared Piggy down. "Not this time Piggy." Kermit turned around and marched back to the front of the bus. "Emily, drive."

The bus began to move, as the motor roared outside, the Muppets were distinctly, and uncharacteristically quiet.

Miss Piggy stood in the aisle of the bus and stared at her frog. She sniffed, hung her head, and returned to her seat.

<X>X<X>

​

Sharp screeching noises exploded from the rift above the stage floor. Uncle Deadly struck a defensive pose, preparing for whatever may come out.

Behind the phantom Skeeter’s wails were muffled by the noises from the rift, while Scooter frantically searched for a first aid kit.

Jolts of electricity fizzled out from the hole, and a cloud of steam covered Deadly’s eyes.

Deadly tried to see through the clouds, but couldn’t. Suddenly, the noises came to a screeching halt, the electricity fizzled, and a foot hit the stage floor.

Death or Benny, Deadly didn’t know which it could be, either was likely, one could save him, the other would surely destroy him.

The smoke filled Deadly’s throat, he began to cough and fell to the floor.

Finally, the fog cleared from his eyes and throat, Deadly slowly opened his eyelids and was looking right at a pair of black loafers.

"Who... Who are you?" Uncle Deadly hissed.

"Uh, well," the man sniffed, peering down at Deadly, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "My name is Daniel, from accounting."

Deadly tilted his head, he looked up at the man’s vintage suit and hat and nerd-like glasses. "Danny... From... Accounting?" Uncle Deadly asked quietly.

"Danni-el, Daniel." Daniel corrected him. "Oh! Here, here, let me help you up." Daniel reached out his hand for Uncle Deadly to grasp.

Uncle Deadly stared at the man. "Thank you," he said, grabbing Daniel’s hand. "May I ask what you’re doing here?"

"May I ask for assistance?!" Scooter shouted. "Clifford has no pulse!"

"No pulse?!" Daniel shouted. "Oh my Boss! This is worse than I thought!"

Uncle Deadly turned and ran backstage, kneeling over the co-host’s body. "What happened?" he asked the twins.

"You of all people should know!!" Skeeter wailed.

"Oh dear... Oh dear, oh dear," Daniel fidgeted. "She sends me at the worst possible times!"

"She?" Deadly asked. "Who are you? What is going on?"

"What is going on, is someone needs to save my boyfriend!" Skeeter sneered.

"I think I may be able to help," Daniel stepped forward. "Lift him up on to his feet."

"But, why-"

"JUST DO IT!" Skeeter grabbed Clifford’s left arm.

Uncle Deadly hoisted Clifford up by his right arm with Skeeter’s assistance. Daniel kneeled to Clifford’s height and looked at his closed eyes. "Ma’am?" he said to Skeeter.

A tear feel from Skeeter’s cheek. "Yeah, what?"

"Clifford, he’s your boyfriend?" Daniel asked.

"Yes!"

"Then you may want to turn away." Daniel took off his glasses. "Love is life’s greatest achievement," Daniel whispered. He gulped, then kissed Clifford on his big purple lips.

Skeeter collapsed, Scooter put his hand up to his mouth, and Uncle Deadly grimaced.

"Mm," Clifford mumbled. "Oh baby, you surely know how to treat me-" he opened his eyes, and stared at the funny face of Daniel, who was definitely not who he thought he was.

"Y-You’re not Dolores!" Clifford shouted.

Scooter pulled back in shock. "And neither is Skeeter!"

Clifford looked around. He blinked. "Where is she?"

"Knocked out," Daniel said, readjusting his glasses.

"She always did have nice timing."