Chapter 6
Not surprisingly, talking to Link was no more impressive than looking at him.
“—I stared him straight in the eye and said, ‘I just don’t get it Artie,’” Link said, “‘Why a round table?’ But… uh… Artie doesn’t like to be disagreed with, so he sent Lancelot after me… They call him Lancelot for a reason. He likes his lance… a lot.”
Kermit frowned heavily. “Ya don’t say,” he said, forcing conversation while Princess Piggy, Sam, and Link’s advisor, Julius Strangepork met in private against the back wall—obviously having a very intense conversation based on their wide-open mouths and the volume of their voices.
Link looked Kermit up and down from flipper to eyeball. “Are you… the castle pet or something?” the pig asked.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I already explained to you that I am Kermit the Frog, a brave and valiant knight!” said Kermit in his usual brave and valiant tone.
Link stared down at the frog. “You? Are you sure?”
Kermit sighed heavily. “Yes, I think I know what I am.”
“Huh,” Link said blankly. “Well I’m Link Hogthrob, prince of Sty.”
“Sty?” Kermit asked. “As in…”
Link nodded. “Pig Sty, yes.”
“Good grief,” Kermit said with another sigh.
“Um, excuse me,” a voice asked Kermit as he felt a tap on his shoulder.
He turned around and saw Beauregard the Court Jester standing before him. Behind the jester was a green man with slick black hair and a bored expression standing next a monkey in an apron.
“Uh, can I help you?” Kermit asked.
“No, no,” Beauregard said, shaking his head, making the bells on his hat jingle. “We’re the ones who’re supposed to help you!”
“Yeah,” the monkey said. “I’m Sal, and this is Johnny Fiama—castle servants!” Johnny Fiama’s eyebrows lowered angrily as he turned to glare at Sal the monkey. “Oh, sorry,” Sal said quickly, “he’s the castle servant—I’m the castle servant’s servant!”
“The castle’s servant has a servant?” Kermit asked. “Ritzy place.”
Sal the castle servant’s servant shrugged. “I’m not on the castle’s pay-roll—”
“Yeah. Get this,” Johnny Fiama said, “he works for peanuts!” Johnny laughed at his own joke, proud of his less-than witty attempt.
“To work for you, ya gotta be nuts,” Sal mumbled.
“Wha’ was that?” Johnny asked, advancing on the monkey.
“Did you… need something?” Kermit asked, cutting off the fight before it ensued.
Johnny looked back at the frog. “Who’re you again? Oh—the frog, right, right!”
Kermit scrunched up his face. He turned back to see if Link was at all perturbed by the castle servant and his servant, but found the prim pig was simply examining his cuticles—even though he was wearing gloves.
“We were supposed to ask ya if you needed anything,” Sal said with distaste being hinted in the general direction of Johnny Fiama.
“No, thank you, I’m fine,” Link interjected. “Though a glass of sparkling mineral water couldn’t hurt—and would you mind opening a window in here? It’s so stuffy. And if you have any more of those chocolate éclairs from the buffet in the waiting queue, that would be lovely.”
Beauregard blinked slowly. “So… we should stuff the Q’s, open the chocolate, and water the windows? …R-ight,” he said, walking away, scratching his head.
Johnny and Sal watched the jester walk off, and then turned back to the brave and valiant frog. “What about you?” Johnny asked.
“Erm, well… it would be nice if they could hurry it up over there,” Kermit said, motioning to the gathering of pigs and an eagle. “But it’s really—”
“You got it!” Sal declared. The monkey stomped off past Kermit towards the group. “Alright youse! Listen up! The frog needs ya to hurry it up, alright? He’s been very patient and it’s about time you all shut up and told him what he wants ta hear? Got it?” Sal yelled at the top of his lungs.
Johnny quickly ducked down behind Kermit just before a loud crack blasted through the throne room. “HI-YA!” the princess shouted, knocking the monkey across the room with a steady, hard-hitting (obviously) karate chop.
Kermit’s jaw dropped around his neck line as he stared at his (hopefully) bride-to-be. He gulped loudly. “Does she do that often?” he asked no one in particular.
“You have no idea,” Johnny (who isn’t really anyone in particular) said with a slow shake of his head.
Much to Kermit’s surprise, Princess Piggy, Sam Eagle, and Strangepork were walking towards him, Link, and Johnny when he turned around.
Sam glared at Kermit intensely. “Impatient,” he said, clicking his tongue maliciously, “not good, not good at all…”
“But… I wasn’t—oh, forget it,” Kermit muttered.
Princess Piggy moved to the center and faced Kermit and Link. “Oh, fair prince and fair knight, we have come to something of a consensus… Even though moi would much rather just take the frog and zip, apparently there are certain rules one must follow whilst being a ravishing princess,” she said, tossing back her long, blonde hair. “It’s hard being this gorgeous and respected.”
“Trust me, I know,” Link said with an exasperated sigh.
Piggy frowned. “Anyway… there’s this stupid rule that no one in the royal family may marry a frog—”
Kermit tilted his head to the side. “Wha’?” he asked.
“She said no one in the royal family can marry a frog,” Link whispered.
“Unless,” Piggy continued on, very annoyed for having been interrupted (even if it was by a really cute frog), “said frog can bring back the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV and return said chalice to the pedestal of insomniac royals,” Piggy rambled on with little to no enthusiasm whatsoever, “thus finally putting to sleep the souls of years of crabby relatives, then, and only then, may said frog marry into the royal family.”
Kermit sighed. “So I’ve heard,” he mumbled.
“And since Link is also an extremely worthy candidate,” Sam interjected suddenly, “he also gets a chance to embark on this truly epic journey into the unknown! A task surely suited to his perfect nature!”
Link looked up from admiring his own boots. “Hmm?” he hummed cluelessly.
“Pay attention, you ninny!” Strangepork hissed at the pig. “D’ish ish important!”
“Well, you are talking about me,” Link said, “it must be important.”
“And so, ye strapping young… lads!” Sam declared prominently. “Ready your travelling companions, grease up your cart wheels, and unhitch the horses! Let the quest begin!”
Kermit jumped up, startled by the abruptness of the quest’s start. He squeaked uncontrollably and darted out of the throne room to search for Fozzie and the others.
Princess Miss Piggy sighed lovingly. “Such a brave and valiant creature!” she swooned.
Strangepork darted forward and grabbed Link by his arm, pulling him towards his journey. “C’mon, Link, we have to get going! We can’t let ze frog get a head start!”
Link looked around dumbly. “Where are we going?” he asked.
“On a quesht!” Strangepork shouted.
“…For what?”
The princess rolled her eyes as Link was dragged out of the throne room. She turned to glare at Sam. “If he wins this thing… don’t be expecting an heir outta me, bub!”
“Which one?” a high-pitched female voice asked. “The frog or the cute pig?”
Piggy whipped around, staring into the face of her lady in waiting Annie Sue Pig; a curly blonde haired pig (duh) about Piggy’s height, but not nearly as pretty or talented (yes, she did pay me to say that).
“I think she was talking about the cute pig, Annie Sue,” another high-pitched, this time male, voice announced.
Piggy looked down. Somewhere around Annie Sue’s fat knee caps (paid me for that one too…) stood humble little Bean Bunny—a small, light tan bunny who boasted an insurmountable cuteness that exuded off him like stink on an ape. (What a hideously inappropriate comparison!)
“Ah, moi’s lady and bunny in waiting,” Princess Piggy said. “If vous were wondering,” she informed the clueless and unseen audience.
“It looks like your majesty finally has a chance at a suitor!” Annie Sue said sweetly.
Naturally, the princess took the overdose of compassion the wrong way. “And just what is that supposed to mean?” she asked fiercely.
“Well,” Annie Sue said with a light shrug, “the royal bed sheets certainly have remained cold as of late, your majesty.”
Before Piggy could lunge forward and sock the precocious little swine across her honking nose (I’m raking in the dough this chapter!), Bean Bunny gasped loudly. “Can you say that?” he shrieked.
“Depends on who you’re asking,” Piggy growled.
“Oh,” Bean said simply. “Well that’s not very cute.”
“Whatever,” Piggy said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “C’mon, moi has to get ready to see off her handsome suitor!”
“You mean suitors,” Annie Sue said, attempting to correct the princess.
Obviously, the idiotic and unattractive (guess who’ll be spending Christmas in Malibu?) pig didn’t realize that no one ever corrects the princess. Ever.
“Connie Sue,” the princess said sweetly. “Why don’t vous go see if vous can help the chef clean up after moi’s lunch? Beanie and I can handle moi’s wardrobe.”
“If you say so, your highness,” Annie Sue said, walking off towards the royal dishwashing facility.
“Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” Bean shouted, hopping up and down. “I get to help you pick out an outfit! This is so exciting!” he said, laughing giddily.
“Just shut up and c’mon,” Piggy said, heading off towards her room.
Sam Eagle looked around as the throne room emptied. “I have no one to scold…” he sighed heavily. “Once again, I am forced to comment on my own inadequate performance.”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Polly, Clueless, and Mad Monty (who shall henceforth be referred to as the Three Stooges [copyright use pending]) ran as fast as they could up the stairs of Uncle Deadly’s tower.
“Hoo-wee!” Polly whistled. “The boss is gonna flip when he hears about this!”
“But—” Mad Monty said, panting heavily. “He already—knows about—the—quest!”
“Yeah, but he doesn’t know d’at d’ey’re startin’ it now!” Polly said.
“That’s today?” Clueless asked. “I had no idea—or else I woulda showered!”
“Showers haven’t been invented yet, you idiot!” Polly hissed.
“Oh,” Clueless said. “Now I don’t feel as bad.”
“Too bad you still stink as bad,” Polly said, laughing at the joke.
“Can we—take a rest?” Monty asked, still panting.
“‘Course not!” Polly shouted. “We’ve gotta tell the boss about this now!”
“Just go on without me!” Monty moaned, collapsing to the floor.
“Get up, dip-stick!” Polly shouted. “We’re at the door!”
Mad Monty looked up at the door directly in front of him. “Oh,” he said. “I knew that.”
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