Fan-Fiction: The Muppets' Mid-Age Crisis

[TogetherAgain]

YAY! <is glomped>

 

[The Count]

Uncle D cackling at der Lisa left hanging by Prawny's non-postage of storyness. Update your own my pretty, and we can avoid the entirely messy affair of having you dipped in the moat below. Mwahahahaha! *Hears moaning from Prawn in the dungeon that is his locked room. Quiet you, you know the penalty for not adding to your tall tales of Muppetdom.

 

[TogetherAgain]

...<Examines the moat below>

You gotta be KIDDING me. You're gonna dip me in THAT? Come on... It's not even a BIG moat. Skinny little thing, that. Doesn't look too deep, either. I can see the bottom from here. Y'know why? There's not even any water in it! Nor is there lava. No skeletons, either, that I can see... Unless they're buried, in which case, that moat is far too respectful of its victims. At least you've got some nice sharp sticks down there... those would hurt. But no man-eating creatures... <shakes head> Tsk tsk. You improve this moat, and I'll see about my story. And Prawnie, there! ...Post.

 

[The Count]

Uncle D: Well, what would you prefer... Human-eating alligators, sharks, pirahnas, a kraken or hydra, or the very special snapping turtles? The pleasure of picking is yours.
And we haven't added the water yet because we're, erm, conserving water? Wouldn't want the stank of it attracting mosquitos, we'd be overrun by pesky frogs thinking the place is nothing but an all-you-can-eat buffet.

 

[AnimatedC9000]

Yes, yes... the Princess is growing weary of waiting, O noble Duke. Please, share more of your tale with the people so that they, too, might be delighted in your tale of romance and merriment.

... now, if you'll excuse me, I'm needed in another castle. =P

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 4

Kermit was taken aback by the vast architecture present within the castle. The blue eagle led him through halls with huge ceilings adorned with glimmering suits of armor and frescoes along the walls.

“As you can see, brave and valiant knight,” the extremely proper eagle said to Kermit without looking back at him, “we have decorated our castle with the finest paintings and other memorabilia from the Baroque period.”

Kermit peered ahead of the eagle at a pile of multi-colored glass shards. He gulped loudly. “That sure is ba-roke!” he said, pointing to the glass.

The eagle glared down at Kermit. “How very droll,” he said.

Kermit shrugged. “I’ve been hanging around with the bear,” he said. “What happened to that window?”

“The last suitor,” the eagle said.

Kermit did a double take and shot a frightened look at the ornately decorated bird. “What?”

“Yes,” said the eagle, looking at a piece of parchment he held. “The Great… Gonzo, Duke of… Wherever.”

Kermit gulped again. “Did he… jump?”

“Heavens no!” the eagle shouted. Kermit wiped his head and sighed with relief. “The princess tossed him through the window.”

The brave and valiant knight squirmed. “Oh yeah… I forgot.”

Kermit realized he’d lagged behind the eagle leading him and ran to catch up. “Erm, what exactly is this princess like anyhow?”

“Ah, the princess!” the eagle said proudly. “She is gorgeous, she is strong-willed, she is decisive, she is ruthless, she is level-headed, she is—”

“She is extremely complicated,” Kermit said. “Should I be taking notes?”

The eagle glared down at the frog. “Probably.”

Kermit was growing more and more nervous about meeting this princess with every step down the long corridor. “Right… well… erm, who are you?” he asked the stalwart, blue bird.

The eagle gasped. “I beg your pardon, o’ brave and valiant knight! My sincerest apologies! I am Sam Eagle, Highest Court Advisor,” he said proudly.

“Ah,” Kermit said with a quick nod. “Pleasure to meet you, Sam. I’m Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight.” He extended his hand for Sam to shake.

Sam looked down his prominent beak at the frog’s hand. “Yes, I know,” he said.

“Oh,” Kermit said sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“Come along then!” Sam shouted. “We are approaching the throne room!”

Kermit shook nervously. “We are?”

“Yes, of course,” Sam said. “We’re running out of castle to walk in.”

On cue, a massive door appeared before Kermit and Sam. “Is… is the throne room in there?” the frog asked.

“Indeed,” Sam said. “Now, before you enter there are some things we must take care of.”

“Like… what?”

“Stand up straight!” Sam shouted, forcibly adjusting Kermit so he was no longer slouching. “No gaping!” Sam closed Kermit’s mouth. “You are about to meet a princess!” Sam was dusting Kermit off with his wing. “Watch what you say—avoid contractions, do not mention shovels, start every sentence with ‘Your Majesty,’ and throw in a compliment to the princess at the end—might I suggest her waist line? The princess has been working out lately. Any questions?”

“…What?”

“Please submit all questions in writing and mail to the castle’s PO Box.” Sam looked at a sundial watch on his wrist. “Unfortunately, that is all the time we have. Please enjoy your meeting with the princess—and follow the rules!”

The doors opened loudly and Sam pushed Kermit inside.

The doors slammed behind Kermit. He looked around. The only light in the seemingly huge room was shining down upon a massive stairwell in the center of the room. At the very top sat a throne facing away from Kermit with two large torches adorning both sides.

Kermit gulped. “Good grief,” he said nervously.” H-hello? …Sam? Sweetums? Hello?”

“State your name,” a booming yet gentle voice told the frog.

“I—I’m Kermit… Kermit the Frog,” Kermit explained, “brave and valiant knight. I… I have travelled from afar to seek your hand in marriage and become your king!”

“Well, aren’t we confident,” the voice said. The throne on top whipped around suddenly and the princess faced Kermit.

She was beautiful, that was obvious even from atop the huge staircase. She was also a pig—that was obvious too. Her silky golden hair rested easily on her shoulders in long, carefully woven curls. Her blue eyes pierced through the darkness of most of the room. A humble tiara sat upon her head and she wore a shining red cape and a lavish red dress and, finally, a pair of silk purple gloves.

The princess rose from her chair slowly and glanced down at her suitor for the first time.

He was green, that much was certain. He was also a hunk, the princess definitely knew that.

She didn’t, however, realize that her mouth had fallen agape.

Kermit didn’t notice that, but he did notice the glowing twinkle in the princess’s eye. He took a deep breath. “Hi-ho,” he said finally. “Erm—Your Majesty!” he added quickly with a half-bow.

The princess laughed airily. “Hello short, green, and—” she chuckled, “—handsome!”

“Uh, uh,” Kermit searched for words. “I’m—I’m Kermit and, well… Sheesh…”

The princess tossed her hair behind her shoulders. “What’s the matter? Frog in your—”

Before the princess could complete her brutally obvious joke, she had taken a step forward.

Unfortunately, she missed the first step.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” the princess screamed as she tumbled down the stairs, bouncing along each one.

Kermit flinched each time she hit a stair and jumped out of the way when she landed at the base with a thud on her snout.

Lights shot on all around the room, revealing the rest of the lavishly decorated throne area. “No, no, cut! Cut!”

Kermit bravely and valiantly helped the princess to her feet and then looked around the throne room, extremely confused. “What the hey?”

Sam rushed forward and grabbed the princess from Kermit’s hands, dusting her off. “Your Majesty, are you alright? Did you hurt your perfectly sculpted figure?”

The princess shook her head violently, getting her hair out of her face. “I’m fine, thanks,” she yanked her arms out of Sam’s wings. “This brave and valiant knight saved moi.”

“Your Majesty, forgive me, but that is completely ridiculous!” Sam said with a scoff. “This foolish green fellow could not even follow the simplest rules! My, your hair looks lovely!”

Kermit tilted his head to the side. “I beg your pardon?”

“Do not act like I did not inform you of all the necessary rules and guidelines for addressing Her Majesty!” Sam said with a flustered tone. He removed his hat and bowed to the princess. “My sincerest and humblest apologies for bringing you this less-than suitable suitor Majesty, allow me to—”

“Quiet, feather face,” the princess growled at her advisor. “Moi hath foundeth her suitor.”

Kermit and Sam did a double take in unison (a quadruple take?) and stared at the princess. “You have?” they both asked.

“Mmhm,” she said with a slow nod.

Sam flung himself forward and began kissing the princess’s hand. “Tell us, o’ ruler of the kingdom, o’ porcine goddess of young men’s fantasies, o’—”

The piggy princess yanked her gloved hand away from Sam’s pecking beak. “O’, shut up!” she shouted at the bird, rolling her eyes. “Moi has chosen the cute little green hunk standing before us: Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight!”

Kermit gulped in disbelief. “Me? …Really?” he asked softly. “Y-you mean I get to be king and… and help people?”

The princess stared at her king-to-be awkwardly. “Well sure, if you’re into that sort of thing,” she said.

Kermit didn’t hear the princess’s comment as he stared into space, lost in his thoughts. “Me… King… Helping people… making people… happy,” the frog, and future king mumbled.

“Not so fast,” Sam Eagle said sternly. “Your Majesty, as your Highest Court Advisor, I must advise against this pairing.”

“Oh, here we go,” the princess groaned, rolling her eyes.

“Your Highness, I must remind you of my choice for your suitor,” Sam said, “the all-around better choice.”

“Hmph, yeah right!” the princess said. “It is obviously the worst choice because it is your choice!”

Kermit looked back and forth from the pig to the eagle as they bickered. “Um, excuse me?”

“What?” Sam and the princess both shouted.

Kermit scrunched down. “Erm… do I get to become king… or not?” he asked innocently.

“Unfortunately, mister Frog,” Sam said, “this marriage is completely illegal.”

The brave and valiant knight scrunched up his face. “You just couldn’t make this easy on me, could ya?” Kermit asked.

“Of course not,” Sam said. “That would make for a ridiculously short story!”

<-> <-> <-> <-> <->

Polly, the slithery-voiced red lobster, Mad Monty, the burly green monster, and Clueless Morgan, the dim-witted goat, ascended a looming staircase contained within a dark tower.

Monty carried a torch, illuminating a few feet of space in front of and behind him.

The trio was, most certainly, arguing about something.

“Whadaya mean ya lost the key to the boss’s lair?” Polly shouted at Clueless. “How are we gonna get in now?”

“More importantly,” Clueless said with a voice that you could tell didn’t have much thought springing from it, “how is the boss gonna get out?”

Polly whacked Clueless upside the head with his left claw, his good claw (he had a hook in place of his right claw [long story]). “You nit-wit! The boss can’t get out! He’s cursed, remember?” Polly said.

“Oh. Right,” Clueless said. “Then why can’t he just unlock the door for us from the inside?”

“The doorknob is the cursded part!” Polly shouted (he basically shouts all the time). “He can’t touch the doorknob or he’ll die!”

“Isn’t he already dead?” Mad Monty asked.

“No!” Polly scolded. “Well… sort of. Maybe. I’m not sure. We could ask him—if Clueless hadn’t lost the key!”

“Oh, the key?” Clueless asked, sounding like he had maybe, possibly had a slight realization. “I thought you said the brie!”

“Why would I be talkin’ about cheese at a time like d’is?” Polly shouted angrily.

Clueless shrugged. “I’m hungry.”

Polly groaned. “Do ya have the key, or not?” Polly asked.

“Yup, right here!” Clueless said, reaching down the front of his shirt and pulling out a key on a string tied around his neck.

“Good!” Polly shouted, jumping up and clipping the key from Clueless’s neck and holding it in his claw. “Unlock the door, Monty!” he shouted, tossing the key to the green monster.

Monty sighed. “But I’m holding the torch!” he whined.

“Just do it!” Polly demanded.

The threesome stopped in front of an old, intimidating wooden door. On the far right side was a sleek, black doorknob (well… more of a handle, really) with an ornate design and jagged edges. Above the handle was a small key hole.

Mad Monty unlocked the door and it slowly crept open, squeaking ominously.

The room was dark. Completely dark. Not even Monty’s torch illuminated inside the pitch black room. There were no windows, no lanterns, nothing that could be seen.

“B-b-boss?” Polly called into the room, chattering. “A-anybody home?”

“I thought you said he couldn’t leave?” Clueless whispered to Polly.

“Shut up!” Polly hissed. “Uh, boss? We, uh, we’ve got news! About the princess! She’s taken a suitor!”

A gust of wind from nowhere suddenly blew through the open doorway. It extinguished Monty’s torch and blew back the fur on Clueless and Monty. Polly gripped onto Clueless’s tunic so he wasn’t blown down the stairs.

The wind ceased just as quickly as it had appeared. As it stopped, torches around the room ignited with light blue flames, illuminating the small, circular room.

It was cluttered, to say the least. Heaps of junk scattered against every wall, tattered frescoes hanging, depicting ancient magicians and mythical creatures. The only thing that stood stalwart in the room was a small wooden table in the center with a red cloth with golden lining draped over the top. Sitting on top of the cloth was a glowing ball of crystal.

Polly, Clueless, and Mad Monty cautiously entered the room. “Huh,” Polly said, looking around, “the boss did some cleaning.”

Clueless, being, well, clueless, approached the crystal ball. “Ooh… pretty light,” he said, laughing stupidly. He reached his hand out slowly to caress the side of the ball.

The crystal ball was suddenly surrounded by sparks of electricity (which, if you’re keeping track, hasn’t been discovered yet), blowing back the hand of the goat. He wailed, and stuck his charred hand in his mouth.

“Stay away from my crystal ball, you impudent boob!” shouted a booming, intimidating voice from somewhere within the room.

Two piercing yellow slits of eyes opened just above the crystal ball, caked in shadow.

“Geez, boss, ya scared us!” Polly said.

“Good,” the frightening voice said. The eyes rose as their body did. The creature stepped forward.

He was a phantom, perhaps part dragon, definitely part hideous beast. The blue of his scaly skin was not a cheerful sky or ocean blue, but a bleak, ghostly blue that screamed terror. His face looked to be carved from jagged stone, with a long snout adorned with a scraggly beard and whiskers. His eyes were curved in the middle, completely black aside from the two yellow slits. Long, curved horns adorned the back of his head and jagged yellow teeth were scattered around his mouth. The beast wore a cloak of sleek black with a violet glow. In one of his sharp, clawed hands he clutched a beat up old stick. A long, spiked tail exuded from underneath his cloak and swayed menacingly as he walked towards his three minions.

“So,” he said, “tell me about this suitor.”

“He’s a frog, Uncle Deadly!” Polly said quickly. “Apparently a brave and valiant knight!”

The beast, Uncle Deadly, showed interest in his expression for the first time since the trio entered his lair. “A frog?” he asked. “Go on.”

“Yeah, yeah!” Polly said with a nod. “And he seemed pretty confident that he could win the heart of the princess!”

“Or at least his friends were confident,” Mad Monty interjected.

“Exactly!” Polly said.

Uncle Deadly stroked his beard with his free hand. “Very interesting,” he said. “Do you know what this means?”

Clueless scratched his head. “It means we’ll have to buy them a wedding present.”

“No, you twit!” Deadly growled. “It means that I may have my chance to reclaim the throne!”

Polly, Clueless, and Monty exchanged confused glances.

Uncle Deadly sighed heavily. “Do I have to explain… again?” he asked.

“Yes, please,” Monty said.

The blue creature rubbed his eyes in frustration with his free hand. “Alright, but listen carefully this time!”

Uncle Deadly cleared his throat. “Many years ago, my own brother reigned as ruler of the kingdom—”

“The king,” Polly whispered to Clueless.

“Yes,” Deadly hissed, “the king. I, being the younger, and much more handsome and talented of the two brothers, was relegated to princely status while my brother ruled. Now, being a prince is not nearly as entertaining as it sounds—actually it’s incredibly boring, so I took up a hobby.”

“Needle-point?” Clueless asked.

“Hop-scotch?” Monty inquired.

“Gardening?” Polly wondered.

“No!” Uncle Deadly shouted. “Dark magic!”

“Ohh,” the three goof-balls said in unison.

“I trained myself in the skills of dark magic in the secrecy of this very tower,” Deadly continued. “My brother and the rest of the court had no idea what I was capable of. Until that fateful day…”

“Christmas?” Clueless asked.

“Shut up!” Deadly shouted. “No… my brother’s birthday. I gave him a gift he would never forget…”

“Ooh, a pony?” Mad Monty asked with a hopeful tone.


“Unbelievable…” Uncle Deadly said with a sigh. “No! I turned his wife, the queen, into a frog!”

Polly, Clueless, and Monty all gasped in unison.

“Of course… my brother would have none of that and had me banished from the kingdom,” Uncle Deadly said. “I didn’t think that plan through very well…”

“Obviously,” Polly muttered.

“Quiet!” Deadly hissed. “Although I was banished from the kingdom, my brother was still torn apart. He refused to stay married to an amphibian and cast her out of the kingdom as well. We met at a pub a few weeks later and hit it off. We soon fell in love.”

“With a frog?” Polly asked. “Gross.”

“She was beautiful!” Uncle Deadly continued, uninterrupted. “And she loved me—but, alas, our marriage was forbidden! My own brother had decreed that it was illegal for anyone in the royal family to marry within the amphibian species!”

“What a weird law,” Polly said.

“I knew that if I wanted to marry my beloved I had to overthrow my brother and become king myself,” Uncle Deadly said.

“How’d that go?” Clueless asked.

Uncle Deadly glared at the goat. “As is evidenced by my current curs-ed position within this dreadful tower… not well. I was thwarted in my plan by a wizard my brother had hired, who cursed me to remaining in this tower for the rest of my life—but he also cursed me with immortality… I give the guy credit for being cruel.

“Alas, my brother declared that the curse upon me would not be broken unless a member of the royal family did marry a frog, and in order to do that the frog must bypass the law by completing some ridiculous challenge,” Uncle Deadly explained. “Now my brother’s decrepit twin sons hold the throne, and the princess is their adopted child. So I await here in my castle for a day that will never come… for who could ever learn to love… a frog?”

The torches nearest Uncle Deadly clicked off magically as if a spotlight went off above the beastly performer.

Polly, Clueless, and Monty applauded and cheered. Clueless whistled. “Bravo!” he shouted. “Bravo! Entrée! Entrée!”

“Encore, stupid!” Polly hissed.

“Encore, stupid!” Clueless repeated.

The torches flickered back on instantly and Uncle Deadly stepped forward. “That, my fiends, is why I’m so very interested in this suitor to the princess,” he said, walking over to his crystal ball. “Let’s watch the fun, shall we?”

 

[AnimatedC9000]

COOL! Uncle Deadly's in this, too!

... and, uh... *ahem!* Isn't there something you've forgotten, Prawnie? Something important?

((Note: I am writing this away from my own laptop. Other than this, I have very LIMITED Internet acess. I'll be back Friday evening!))

 

[Muppetfan44]

Hooray!
Another great chapter!
Love the whole backstory with Uncle Deadly, and totally love the Beauty and the Beast reference, "For who could learn to love a frog?" LOVED IT!

Keep up the great work, eagerly awaiting the next chapter!
Happy Thanksgiving!

 

[The Count]

Okay... Now I'm more interested in this than when I read everything before. Rully intrigued in the former queen of the kingdom... And if it can help bring about a dragon's liberation, well, I'm for that too. Now post more or suffer my mamma's wrathery.

 

[theprawncracker]

OH! Yes I DID forget something VERY important! I'm sorry, Cait!

Miss Caitlyn helped me immensely with a few lines during Sam's scene with Kermit. She helped at some funny to an increasingly boring chapter... so I owe her for that and I promised I'd give her a mention. Thanks again, Cait!