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theprawncracker
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Chapter 2
It was after about the 200th step that Robin started complaining about his feet hurting.
“We’re not gonna walk the whole way there, are we Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked wearily, lagging behind Kermit and Scooter on the dusty road to the castle.
Kermit looked back at his nephew. “How else do you expect us to get there?” he asked.
“You could carry me,” Robin suggested.
“Dear nephew,” Kermit started, “I am already hauling an eight pound sword—I am an eleven pound frog. It adds up.”
“Okay…” Robin said with a heavy sigh. “Uncle Kermit?”
“Yes?”
“Are we there yet?”
Kermit sighed and looked towards Scooter. “How are you supposed to respond to that?” he asked his squire.
“Fire,” Scooter said blankly.
Kermit did a double-take. “Wha?”
“Fire!” Scooter said, louder this time, pointing to a not-so-distant stable in a field along the dusty road. If the omniscient storyteller hadn’t noted that it was a stable, it would not have been distinguishable as such, since it was on fire.
“My goodness!” Kermit shouted. “That stable is on fire!”
“That’s what the omniscient storyteller said,” Scooter said.
“Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted gleefully, tugging at his uncle’s arm. “Now’s your chance!”
“My chance for what, nephew Robin?” Kermit asked.
“Your chance to prove yourself as a brave and valiant knight!” Robin said eagerly.
Kermit looked down at his nephew and his face squirmed a little bit. “By doing what, exactly?” he asked nervously.
“Extinguishing that fire, of course!” Robin said. “Hurry, Uncle Kermit! It’s burning fast!”
Kermit frowned. “It’s a fire!”
“Exactly!” Robin shouted. “Hurry!” Robin pushed against his uncle’s back, moving him slightly forward.
Kermit looked at Scooter. “Well, squire, should I go?” he asked.
“That’s the burning question, boss—erm… Kermit!” Scooter said, catching his mistake.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “Very funny,” he said. The brave, valiant knight sighed. “Alright, I’ll go. Scooter, stay here with Robin.”
“Aww, can’t I go with you, Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked.
“Not this time, nephew,” Kermit said. “It’s far too dangerous.”
“Then why are you goin’, Kermit?” Scooter asked.
The knightly frog stood upright and proud and smiled heroically. “For I am a brave and valiant knight!” he declared, reaching for his sword and pulling. The sword stuck and Kermit frowned down at his sword holster. “What rotten luck!”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Kermit approached the burning stable cautiously; the heat of the smoldering wood and smell of the blazing hay blinded his senses.
The frog looked to his left and spied a group of horses running around the open field, obviously escaping the blaze.
“Heeeeeeeelp!” a voice whined from within the fire.
Kermit’s attention was drawn back to the stable. “Good grief,” he said with heavy sigh. Kermit pulled his sword sheath over his head and laid it carefully on the ground. He cracked his little green knuckles and took off towards the fire.
The heat was, needless to say, intense. Smoke flooded Kermit’s eyes—the fact that he couldn’t close them didn’t help. Everything burned a bright orange and yellow. A rafter of the stable crashed down on Kermit’s right and sparks flew into the air.
“What was I thinking?” Kermit asked himself, shielding his eyes with his arm.
“You were thinking you’d save the bear from having singed fur!” the same voice from before called out from within the fire.
“Hi-ho! Who goes there?” Kermit asked.
“It’s Fozzie Bear—and I’m not going anywhere!” the voice shouted.
Kermit swallowed his pride (and a lot of smoke) and pushed forward through the flames. “Where are you?”
“In the fire!”
“Reach out your hand, maybe I can feel my way to you!”
“I’m the one with the fur!”
“All I feel is… a hoof?” Kermit said, holding a hoof in his hand. He looked up and stared into the frightened eyes of a horse.
“I thought you said you were a bear!” Kermit shouted.
The horse brayed nervously and pulled its hoof away from Kermit. “I am a bear!” a bear, whose face Kermit couldn’t make out in the flames as he appeared next to the frog said. “What are you?”
“A brave and valiant knight,” Kermit said.
“Ahh! Perfect! That means you can save me and this horse!” Fozzie said.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I should’ve just said I was a frog…” he mumbled.
The horse squealed loudly as another piece of wood fell from the ceiling, crashing directly behind the frog and the bear. The two ducked instinctively. Kermit hopped (HA!) to action. “Quick,” he shouted, “get on the horse!”
“Of course!” Fozzie said.
“Cute, cute joke!” Kermit shouted over the sound of another crashing board.
“Thanks,” Fozzie said, helping Kermit onto the horse. “It’s kind of what I do!”
“The heck you say,” Kermit said, grabbing onto Fozzie’s paw and lifting him onto the back of the horse.
“Well… it’s more of a hobby,” Fozzie said as the petrified horse carefully galloped through the stable.
Kermit stared straight ahead of him, trying to peer through the fire. “Same with me being a knight,” he admitted.
The horse jumped over something on the ground that must’ve needed to be jumped over—neither Kermit or Fozzie knew what it was. The flames began to part slowly and Kermit noticed the smoke flowing out through an opening.
“There’s the door!”
“Hay!”
Kermit turned around and stared at Fozzie. “What?” he asked.
Fozzie pointed up into the rafters where burning bales of hay sat. The rafter was nearly burnt through. “Hay!”
Kermit and Fozzie exchanged near-death experience glances and screamed loudly as the horse raced through the opening in the stable. The rafter holding the flaming hay came down behind the horse, and the rest of the small barn came burning down after it.
“Well that was close,” Fozzie said with an exasperated sigh.
“Nah,” Kermit said with a shrug, “it’s only chapter two.”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Fozzie and Kermit rode the horse over to the road where Robin and Scooter sat playing cards (where they got cards, I’ll never know). “Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted, hopping up from the dirt road. “Did you extinguish the fire?”
Kermit and Fozzie climbed down off the horse; each charred with black soot. “Not exactly,” Kermit admitted.
“Boss—Kermit! Be careful! There’s a bear behind you!” Scooter shouted, cowering nervously.
“Don’t worry, don’t worry!” the bear reassured the squirmy squire. “I don’t bite! I tell jokes!”
“And from what he’s told me,” Kermit said, “that’s even worse.”
Kermit turned to Fozzie. For the first time he noticed the bear’s white tie with pink polka-dots (now covered in soot) and his pointed green hat. Kermit was fairly certain Fozzie was harmless—less than harmless actually. “Fear not, squire,” Kermit said to Scooter, “this is Fozzie. Fozzie, this is my nephew, Robin, and my squire, Scooter.” The frog motioned to each of them.
“Funny,” the bear said to the bespectacled yellow thing, “you don’t look like a squire.”
“And you don’t look like a comedian,” Scooter countered.
“Ahh! That’s because I’m not. Not yet anyway!” the bear said. “Ya see, right now I’m just Fozzie Bear, stable-hand—and feet! Wocka! Wocka!”
“Well now I see why he’s not a comedian yet,” Scooter said with a smirk.
Kermit shook his head. “Well, Fozzie, we’re embarking on an epic journey—”
Robin jumped out from behind Kermit. “Yeah, a journey filled with intrigue, danger, romance, and—”
“Dear nephew,” Kermit hushed Robin, “you’ll spoil the whole story!”
Robin sighed. “Everyone seems to be doing that…”
“Oh! A journey!” Fozzie said excitedly. “Where are you going?”
“To the castle at the edge of the kingdom,” Kermit explained, “where I will win the heart of the princess and become king.”
Fozzie gasped. “You’re going to marry the princess?” he asked. He scrambled to bow down in front of Kermit. “Your majesty!”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I’m not king yet,” he said.
“True,” Fozzie said, hopping up from the ground. “But you know if you do become king you’re going to need a court jester!”
Kermit scratched his head. “I guess I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Ahh! See? I can be your advisor too!” Fozzie shouted, throwing his arm around Kermit’s shoulders.
Kermit looked up at the bear grinning down at him. He smiled. “Okay then,” he said. “I guess you’re now Fozzie Bear, court jester and advisor to King Kermit.”
Fozzie tilted his head to the side. “Really? That’s all it took?” he asked.
“Well sure,” Kermit said with a nod. “You seem like a nice bear. That… and I need this horse.”
The horse tilted his head at Kermit, shrugged (yes, the horse can shrug) and went back to munching on some grass. Fozzie whacked Kermit on the back playfully. “No prob-lem!” he shouted.
“You’re sure?” Kermit asked. He walked over to the horse as Robin followed. He rubbed the horse’s mane carefully. “Is he in good condition?”
“Oh I promise Kermit,” Fozzie said, “he’s in great condition! Only used by a little old lady who rode him to the joust every Sunday!”
Kermit smiled at the horse, the horse blinked at the frog. Kermit shrugged. “What do you think, Robin?”
“I think it’s a great horse, Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted.
Kermit smiled. “Alright then, it’s settled!”
“Ahh! Great!” Fozzie shouted. “Well then, King Kermit, hop on your noble steed and we shall be off on another great adventure!”
“Erm, Fozzie?” Kermit whispered to the bear as he climbed up on the horse.
“Yes, o’ King?”
“We haven’t had any adventures yet!” Kermit said.
“Oh yeah,” Fozzie said sheepishly.
Scooter shook his head, grabbed the horse’s reins, and resumed the brave and valiant knight, his nephew, his squire, and his court jester and head advisor began their trek down the dusty road to the castle.
It was after about the 200th step that Robin started complaining about his feet hurting.
“We’re not gonna walk the whole way there, are we Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked wearily, lagging behind Kermit and Scooter on the dusty road to the castle.
Kermit looked back at his nephew. “How else do you expect us to get there?” he asked.
“You could carry me,” Robin suggested.
“Dear nephew,” Kermit started, “I am already hauling an eight pound sword—I am an eleven pound frog. It adds up.”
“Okay…” Robin said with a heavy sigh. “Uncle Kermit?”
“Yes?”
“Are we there yet?”
Kermit sighed and looked towards Scooter. “How are you supposed to respond to that?” he asked his squire.
“Fire,” Scooter said blankly.
Kermit did a double-take. “Wha?”
“Fire!” Scooter said, louder this time, pointing to a not-so-distant stable in a field along the dusty road. If the omniscient storyteller hadn’t noted that it was a stable, it would not have been distinguishable as such, since it was on fire.
“My goodness!” Kermit shouted. “That stable is on fire!”
“That’s what the omniscient storyteller said,” Scooter said.
“Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted gleefully, tugging at his uncle’s arm. “Now’s your chance!”
“My chance for what, nephew Robin?” Kermit asked.
“Your chance to prove yourself as a brave and valiant knight!” Robin said eagerly.
Kermit looked down at his nephew and his face squirmed a little bit. “By doing what, exactly?” he asked nervously.
“Extinguishing that fire, of course!” Robin said. “Hurry, Uncle Kermit! It’s burning fast!”
Kermit frowned. “It’s a fire!”
“Exactly!” Robin shouted. “Hurry!” Robin pushed against his uncle’s back, moving him slightly forward.
Kermit looked at Scooter. “Well, squire, should I go?” he asked.
“That’s the burning question, boss—erm… Kermit!” Scooter said, catching his mistake.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “Very funny,” he said. The brave, valiant knight sighed. “Alright, I’ll go. Scooter, stay here with Robin.”
“Aww, can’t I go with you, Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked.
“Not this time, nephew,” Kermit said. “It’s far too dangerous.”
“Then why are you goin’, Kermit?” Scooter asked.
The knightly frog stood upright and proud and smiled heroically. “For I am a brave and valiant knight!” he declared, reaching for his sword and pulling. The sword stuck and Kermit frowned down at his sword holster. “What rotten luck!”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Kermit approached the burning stable cautiously; the heat of the smoldering wood and smell of the blazing hay blinded his senses.
The frog looked to his left and spied a group of horses running around the open field, obviously escaping the blaze.
“Heeeeeeeelp!” a voice whined from within the fire.
Kermit’s attention was drawn back to the stable. “Good grief,” he said with heavy sigh. Kermit pulled his sword sheath over his head and laid it carefully on the ground. He cracked his little green knuckles and took off towards the fire.
The heat was, needless to say, intense. Smoke flooded Kermit’s eyes—the fact that he couldn’t close them didn’t help. Everything burned a bright orange and yellow. A rafter of the stable crashed down on Kermit’s right and sparks flew into the air.
“What was I thinking?” Kermit asked himself, shielding his eyes with his arm.
“You were thinking you’d save the bear from having singed fur!” the same voice from before called out from within the fire.
“Hi-ho! Who goes there?” Kermit asked.
“It’s Fozzie Bear—and I’m not going anywhere!” the voice shouted.
Kermit swallowed his pride (and a lot of smoke) and pushed forward through the flames. “Where are you?”
“In the fire!”
“Reach out your hand, maybe I can feel my way to you!”
“I’m the one with the fur!”
“All I feel is… a hoof?” Kermit said, holding a hoof in his hand. He looked up and stared into the frightened eyes of a horse.
“I thought you said you were a bear!” Kermit shouted.
The horse brayed nervously and pulled its hoof away from Kermit. “I am a bear!” a bear, whose face Kermit couldn’t make out in the flames as he appeared next to the frog said. “What are you?”
“A brave and valiant knight,” Kermit said.
“Ahh! Perfect! That means you can save me and this horse!” Fozzie said.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I should’ve just said I was a frog…” he mumbled.
The horse squealed loudly as another piece of wood fell from the ceiling, crashing directly behind the frog and the bear. The two ducked instinctively. Kermit hopped (HA!) to action. “Quick,” he shouted, “get on the horse!”
“Of course!” Fozzie said.
“Cute, cute joke!” Kermit shouted over the sound of another crashing board.
“Thanks,” Fozzie said, helping Kermit onto the horse. “It’s kind of what I do!”
“The heck you say,” Kermit said, grabbing onto Fozzie’s paw and lifting him onto the back of the horse.
“Well… it’s more of a hobby,” Fozzie said as the petrified horse carefully galloped through the stable.
Kermit stared straight ahead of him, trying to peer through the fire. “Same with me being a knight,” he admitted.
The horse jumped over something on the ground that must’ve needed to be jumped over—neither Kermit or Fozzie knew what it was. The flames began to part slowly and Kermit noticed the smoke flowing out through an opening.
“There’s the door!”
“Hay!”
Kermit turned around and stared at Fozzie. “What?” he asked.
Fozzie pointed up into the rafters where burning bales of hay sat. The rafter was nearly burnt through. “Hay!”
Kermit and Fozzie exchanged near-death experience glances and screamed loudly as the horse raced through the opening in the stable. The rafter holding the flaming hay came down behind the horse, and the rest of the small barn came burning down after it.
“Well that was close,” Fozzie said with an exasperated sigh.
“Nah,” Kermit said with a shrug, “it’s only chapter two.”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Fozzie and Kermit rode the horse over to the road where Robin and Scooter sat playing cards (where they got cards, I’ll never know). “Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted, hopping up from the dirt road. “Did you extinguish the fire?”
Kermit and Fozzie climbed down off the horse; each charred with black soot. “Not exactly,” Kermit admitted.
“Boss—Kermit! Be careful! There’s a bear behind you!” Scooter shouted, cowering nervously.
“Don’t worry, don’t worry!” the bear reassured the squirmy squire. “I don’t bite! I tell jokes!”
“And from what he’s told me,” Kermit said, “that’s even worse.”
Kermit turned to Fozzie. For the first time he noticed the bear’s white tie with pink polka-dots (now covered in soot) and his pointed green hat. Kermit was fairly certain Fozzie was harmless—less than harmless actually. “Fear not, squire,” Kermit said to Scooter, “this is Fozzie. Fozzie, this is my nephew, Robin, and my squire, Scooter.” The frog motioned to each of them.
“Funny,” the bear said to the bespectacled yellow thing, “you don’t look like a squire.”
“And you don’t look like a comedian,” Scooter countered.
“Ahh! That’s because I’m not. Not yet anyway!” the bear said. “Ya see, right now I’m just Fozzie Bear, stable-hand—and feet! Wocka! Wocka!”
“Well now I see why he’s not a comedian yet,” Scooter said with a smirk.
Kermit shook his head. “Well, Fozzie, we’re embarking on an epic journey—”
Robin jumped out from behind Kermit. “Yeah, a journey filled with intrigue, danger, romance, and—”
“Dear nephew,” Kermit hushed Robin, “you’ll spoil the whole story!”
Robin sighed. “Everyone seems to be doing that…”
“Oh! A journey!” Fozzie said excitedly. “Where are you going?”
“To the castle at the edge of the kingdom,” Kermit explained, “where I will win the heart of the princess and become king.”
Fozzie gasped. “You’re going to marry the princess?” he asked. He scrambled to bow down in front of Kermit. “Your majesty!”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I’m not king yet,” he said.
“True,” Fozzie said, hopping up from the ground. “But you know if you do become king you’re going to need a court jester!”
Kermit scratched his head. “I guess I hadn’t thought of that.”
“Ahh! See? I can be your advisor too!” Fozzie shouted, throwing his arm around Kermit’s shoulders.
Kermit looked up at the bear grinning down at him. He smiled. “Okay then,” he said. “I guess you’re now Fozzie Bear, court jester and advisor to King Kermit.”
Fozzie tilted his head to the side. “Really? That’s all it took?” he asked.
“Well sure,” Kermit said with a nod. “You seem like a nice bear. That… and I need this horse.”
The horse tilted his head at Kermit, shrugged (yes, the horse can shrug) and went back to munching on some grass. Fozzie whacked Kermit on the back playfully. “No prob-lem!” he shouted.
“You’re sure?” Kermit asked. He walked over to the horse as Robin followed. He rubbed the horse’s mane carefully. “Is he in good condition?”
“Oh I promise Kermit,” Fozzie said, “he’s in great condition! Only used by a little old lady who rode him to the joust every Sunday!”
Kermit smiled at the horse, the horse blinked at the frog. Kermit shrugged. “What do you think, Robin?”
“I think it’s a great horse, Uncle Kermit!” Robin shouted.
Kermit smiled. “Alright then, it’s settled!”
“Ahh! Great!” Fozzie shouted. “Well then, King Kermit, hop on your noble steed and we shall be off on another great adventure!”
“Erm, Fozzie?” Kermit whispered to the bear as he climbed up on the horse.
“Yes, o’ King?”
“We haven’t had any adventures yet!” Kermit said.
“Oh yeah,” Fozzie said sheepishly.
Scooter shook his head, grabbed the horse’s reins, and resumed the brave and valiant knight, his nephew, his squire, and his court jester and head advisor began their trek down the dusty road to the castle.
