Fan-Fiction: The Muppets' Mid-Age Crisis

[RedPiggy]

I like the way Kermit swindled Robin in the end. Very nice.

 

[The Count]

Pokey pokey, eggs and bacon... Update pwease?

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 8

Kermit nobly rode atop his horse, finally having regained control thanks in part to more than one promise of a bag of oats (17 promises, to be precise).

Fozzie the Comedian, Scooter the Squire, and Gonzo the Duke of Wherever walked alongside Kermit and the horse grudgingly, clothes notably tattered after chasing said horse through a patch of thorns the likes of which would pop even the flattest of egos.

After a few moments of walking in silence, Fozzie looked up at the frog on the horse. “Um, Kermit?” he asked.

Kermit looked down. “Yes Fozzie?”

“Where are we going?” Fozzie asked sheepishly.

Kermit pulled back on the reigns and stopped slowly, Fozzie and the others followed suit. He stared ahead silently. “Where are we going?” he asked, quite annoyed.

“I told you we should’ve stopped for directions!” Scooter said.

“HA!” Gonzo laughed. “Who needs direction? Life’s more fun while flying by the seat of your pants!”

“But I’m not wearing pants,” Fozzie said.

“And neither am I,” Kermit said, “so we’re stopping for directions.”

“Good idea. Wish I’d thought of it,” Scooter said sarcastically.

“Well where can we stop for directions?” Gonzo asked as the search party (searching for that chalice, remember?) resumed their trek. “We’re in the middle of a dank and dark wood!”

At that moment, they emerged from the dank and dark wood and were staring at a small pub on the edge of an empty road.

Gonzo’s eyes widened. “What a ridiculous coincidence!”

“Come, my band of merry men! We shall away to yonder pub!” Kermit declared.

“We’re not the band of merry men,” Fozzie said, “they are!” The bear pointed off in the distance to a grove where five extremely colorful men (one also notably a woman) stood clutching instruments and smiling.

Kermit scrunched up his face. “Dr. Teeth, guys, this isn’t your scene!”

“We are well aware,” Dr. Teeth said with a grin. “We just enjoy watching from the sidelines and providing dramatic rifts!”

“Rully,” Janice said with a nod, “and, like, we totally wanted a drink. We’re parched!”

“ALE! ALE!” Animal roared.

Kermit frowned. “Fine. Just keep it down, will ya?” he asked.

“No worries, my frog!” Floyd assured the knight. “We’ll be quieter than a rock band at a rap concert!”

“Right,” Kermit said, “because both of those things have been invented…”

Bidding farewell to the band that should’ve kept quiet, Kermit and the others carried on towards the pub. Kermit hopped down off the horse and tied him off on a stake posted in front of the small pub. As they approached the door they stopped to stare at a sign posted. “No shirt, no shoes, no comment,” Kermit read, “Your lifestyle is your choice, not ours.”

“Huh!” Fozzie said. “Seems like a fancy place!”

All of a sudden, a body was hurled through the glass window at the side of the pub and landed with a thud in the mud (nice, nice rhyme).

“Seems like a pretty active place too!” Scooter declared, shirking away from the body.

“Seems like my kind of place!” Gonzo shouted. “C’mon!” The Duke darted away from the group and ran through the door.

“Gonzo!” Kermit called after him. “Sheesh! C’mon guys,” he said to Fozzie and Scooter.

The inside of the pub was dark and smoky. In every corner, Kermit assumed, there was a villain waiting to come at him with a sword twice his size. He gulped quietly.

“Where’s Gonzo?” Scooter asked, looking around.

“WHA HA HA HA HA!” Gonzo screamed as he was flung through the air, colliding with Scooter. He bounced up enthusiastically. “Whoo! Kermit you have got to meet some of these guys! They’re great! Ha ha!”

Kermit frowned. “No thanks,” he said. “I’m gonna go order and drink and take a look around, you guys stay out of trouble, alright?”

Kermit strolled carefully in between the tables, dodging glances from thieves, hoodlums, monsters, and other all around bad guys.

When he finally reached the bar at the other end of the room he sat down at a high chair and breathed a sigh of relief. He then glanced over and stared into some huge, yellowing teeth attached to a menacingly furry body. He shuddered and turned away.

The bartender was standing with his back to the frog, wiping off a shelf. “Erm, excuse me?” Kermit asked.

The bartender turned around and was revealed to be a furry brown dog with a shiny black nose and a wide grin. “Evenin’!” the dog said with a gruff, country accent. “What can I do ya for?”

“Well, ya see, I’m Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight—and, well, my friends and I are on a noble journey—”

“The only kind worth goin’ on,” the bartender quipped with a smirk.

“Right, well, the thing is… we don’t exactly know where it is we’re trying to journey to,” Kermit said.

“Hmm,” the dog said, picking up a large glass mug and wiping the inside of it. “Well… for starters, I’m Rowlf, Rowlf the Dog. Second, you look like you could use a drink.” he twirled the mug around in his hand, sloshed in a pint of ale, and slid the glass in front of Kermit.

Kermit stared down at the foaming drink before him. “Sorry, but no thanks,” he said. “I’m driving.”

Rowlf shrugged. “Suit yerself,” he said, pulling the drink back beneath the bar. “So tell me, where is it exactly that you need directions to?”

“Well, you see, I’m trying to court a princess and become king!” Kermit said. “But in order to do so, I have to find the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV and return said chalice to the pedestal of insomniac royals, thus finally putting to sleep the souls of years of crabby relatives!”

Rowlf stared at the frog. “Sounds like you’ve been rehearsin’ that,” he said.

Kermit nodded. “I had to find someway to pass the time.”

“Well lucky for you, Kermit, I happen to have heard a few rumors in my day,” Rowlf said, “and one of those rumors happens to be about that chalice you’re lookin’ for!”

Kermit gasped happily. “You don’t say! Well, gee, that’s great! What do you—”

Behind Kermit, the sound of a table breaking and glasses crashing filled the pub. Kermit frowned. He knew, immediately, who the cause of the problem was.

He turned around and watched as Gonzo was cornered by half a dozen burly fellows with table rubble beneath their feet.

Rowlf peered around Kermit’s shoulder and looked at Gonzo. “Friend’a yours?” he asked.

Kermit scrunched up his face. “How’d you guess?”

Rowlf shrugged. “Instinct,” he said.

Kermit was entering panic mode by this time. “What should I do?”

“There’s only one thing that’ll clear these thugs outta here,” Rowlf said.

“What’s that?” Kermit asked.

“A snappy song and dance number!” Rowlf said, coming out from behind the bar and moving toward a run-down wooden piano against the side wall.

“Of course,” Kermit said, following the dog.

Fozzie and Scooter ran up to the knight, also in a state of panic. “Ker-mit!” Fozzie whined. “What’re we gonna do?”

“We need a snappy song and dance number,” Kermit said, “and fast!”

“No sweat, boss man!” Scooter declared. “Fozzie and I know one by heart!”

“The heck you say!” Kermit shouted.

“No, really!” Fozzie said.

“How is that possible?” Kermit asked.

Scooter and Fozzie shrugged. “What else did you expect us to do while you were meeting with the princess?” Scooter asked.

“Yeah, after the horse beat Gonzo in cards we had nothing better to do!” Fozzie said.

“Whatever!” Kermit said. “Just dance!”

Rowlf sat down at the piano and started playing an upbeat beat and Fozzie and Scooter followed with a dance that matched.

The attention of the thugs in the bar was drawn toward the piano as Scooter danced to the front and Fozzie danced behind him.

“I may go out tomorrow
If I can borrow
A coat to wear,” Scooter sang.
“Oh, I’d step out in style
With my sincere smile
And my dancing bear!

“Outrageous, alarming,
Courageous, charming,” the squire sang cheerfully.
“Oh who would think
A boy and bear
Could be well accepted
Everywhere
It’s just amazing
How fair people can be!”

Rowlf grinned as he tickled the ivories on the piano, getting into the song by dancing a little himself.

The violent crowd’s faces of anger turned to faces of utter horror as the song continued.

“Seen at the nicest places
Where well-fed faces
All stop to stare,” Scooter continued.
“Making the grandest entrance
Is Simon Smith and his Dancing Bear!

“They’ll love us!” Scooter declared.

“Won’t they?” Fozzie asked.

“They feed us!”

“Don’t they?” Fozzie asked again.

“Oh, who would think a boy and bear
Could be well-accepted everywhere
It’s just amazing how fair
People can be!” Scooter sang.

As Rowlf took to his piano solo, Kermit watched as the crowd began to quickly dissipate out the front door of the pub.

“Oh who needs money?” Scooter sang.

“When we’re funny!” Fozzie shouted. “Wocka! Wocka!”

“The great attraction everywhere
Will be Simon Smith and his Dancing Bear—
It’s Simon Smith, and his amazing…
Dancing… Bear!” Scooter sang, holding the last note while Fozzie moved to the front to dance around.

“Yes! Go Scooter!” Fozzie declared.

“I will, Fozzie!” Scooter said happily, dancing alongside the bear.

Kermit and Rowlf exchanged glances. “Erm, guys?” Kermit said.

“Not now, Kermit, we’re dancing our scares away!” Fozzie said.

“But they’re all gone,” Kermit said.

Fozzie and Scooter stopped abruptly and looked around the now empty pub. “Oh,” they said together.

Gonzo ran over, laughing. “That was great you guys!” he laughed. “But did ya have to scare away the others? They were just about to let me have it!”

“Sheesh,” Kermit said, shaking his head. “Now, Rowlf, about that rumor…”

 

[TogetherAgain]

DANCING OUR SCARES AWAY! HAHAHAHAAAA!

And the Electric Mayhem, and just how quiet they'll be... and the thugs! SIMON SMITH!

AND! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWLF!

<GLOMP> Very nice chapter. VERY nice indeed.

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[The Count]

Update! Update!

The pub just being there... You "borrowed" from LTS fof that? Just make sure you return it, they need that plane to get to the North Pole. Though I thought it'd make more sense if they simply booked passage on the Polar Express.

The pub... You "borrowed" from the El Sleazo did you? Good to finally find Rowlf there. *Wonders if the man tossed out at the beginning of the scene in Prawny's fic was the El Sleazo's Owner too.

Simon Smith... Heard that coming from a mile away. Felt that long since the last chapter was posted.

Electric Mayhem cameo... Extra icing on the chapter.

Now post more! *Blasts into Prawny to get him to post.

 

[RedPiggy]

That was cute.

I particularly liked the El Sleazo homage.

You know what you need? You need that Muppetmonkey guy to draw this fic.

 

[The Count]

Yes... Just like I need him or some other talented forum friend Muppet illustrator for a secret Sesame project.

 

[AnimatedC9000]

Wow, what an amazing new chapter! The EM was in it! And so was Rowlf! And we FINALLY had a song and dance number! Wow! When's the next chapter coming up?

 

[TogetherAgain]

Though I thought it'd make more sense if they simply booked passage on the Polar Express.

But why make sense when it's more profitable to make dollars?

When's the next chapter coming up?

On behalf of my Half... <pulls out a crystal ball> The next chapter... will come... <stares deeply into ball> ...OWWW! Headache! Headache, headache, headaaaaache! Remind me not to stare so hard. But the next chapter is coming, um... eventually! ...Right. Now I get back to reading Chaucer like a good little girl.

 

[The Count]

You mean more like three good little girls? ;() Chaucer, the guy who told his story by having each character tell their own little story to pass the time until they got to wherever it was they were going in the first place. So where were they going anyway? I don't know, I think it was over that rainbow, or maybe to the rainbow's end... How am I supposed to know! I didn't write the thing! Scooooooter! ! !