Fan-Fiction: The Muppets' Mid-Age Crisis

[AnimatedC9000]

You're Welcome, Prawnie!

Now, if youo'll excuse me... *watches TV intently for Kermit*

 

[TogetherAgain]

<GLOMPS THE PRAWN!>

I knew I was missing something by not going online at all yesterday.

And whaddaya mean, BORING chapter? It was GREAT! FANTASTICABULOUS descriptions, my dear Half! FANTASTICABULOUS! And Deadly's intro, and--OOH, and PIGGY! Falling! Reminiscent of her grand entrance in MTI, no? And classic Miss Piggy, besides. And and and THE PARENTHESES! (You KNOW I'm a fan of your parentheses.) And the brackets, too! I love it. Keeping track of electricity... Polly's hook... Yes. And and and... there was other stuff I wanted to say... Beauty and the Beast reference! And and and CLUELESS! You write him so well. Entree! Encore, stupid! Perfect. And key/brie... WONDERFUL chapter! Where is this BORING you speak of?

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[redBoobergurl]

Prawnie! LOVE IT! From the joke about the Baroque period to the piggy princess to Clueless Morgan and Polly to Uncle Deadly. Must read more!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 5

A bobbling, mustachioed chef adorned in all-blue cooking attire, including a floppy blue chef’s hat, took a silver platter scattered with crumbs from the lap of the princess. The Chef looked at the princess through his bushy, eye-encompassing eyebrows, past his large pink nose. “Ya hoots de leeky da stoo?” the man asked.

The princess stared down at the Castle Chef. “Translation!” she shouted.

Highest Court Advisor Sam Eagle rushed forward. “He simply asked if you enjoyed the stew, Your Majesty,” he said quickly. “Or he asked if you wanted a new hairdo… Erm…”

‘Whatever,” the princess said, rolling her pearly blue eyes and dismissing the Chef.

The bumbling Swede dropped the platter on a wooden cart and rolled it out, humming a jolly tune as he went.

The princess reached over to Sam and grabbed a piece of cloth hanging around his very stiff neck and used it to wipe her lips. The look on Sam’s face was, needless to say, priceless. (Who would put a price on a face?) (Unless of course it was my face.) (…Ladies?)

The ever distinguished royal pig cleared her throat daintily and turned her attention (and her eyes) to the little green suitor waiting patiently for her to finish her noble lunch of stew he didn’t want to know the ingredients of.

“Now,” the princess said, “where were we, hmm?”

Kermit’s face squirmed slightly as he shifted his weight. “You were about to tell me why I can’t marry you,” he said sadly.

“Oh yeah,” the princess said, switching her gaze to Sam (also switching from a gaze to a glare). “Why can’t he marry me, baldy?”

Sam whipped out a scroll from somewhere inside his coat and cleared his throat. “You know the law, your grace, and I quote, ‘No member of the royal family shall wed-eth thine creature of froggy nature—even if he be-eth a brave and valiant knight,” Sam read proudly.

The princess extended her bottom lip in front of her snout in annoyance. “Well what if the member of the royal family and thine creature of froggy nature share the bond of true love?” she asked, throwing her arms back for dramatic effect. (Kermit twitched nervously at the mention of true love this early on in the relationship—which consisted, at this point, of about thirty spoken words and a lift from the ground.)

“Umm…” Sam scanned over the words printed on the scroll. “Ah! Here we are: ‘Even the bond of true love does not maketh this law null and void—nor void and null, if the argument arises.’”

“Well that’s dumb,” the princess said, planting her chin in her open palm.

Sam gulped loudly.

Kermit and the princess turned their eyes to the eagle. “What?” they both asked in unison.

Sam’s eyes shifted between pig and frog. “Erm… fine print,” he mumbled.

The princess gasped happily. “Ooh! Read it, Sam, read it!” she said cheerfully.

“Erm, there is nothing important—just… stipulations on what differentiates a frog and a toad. Definitely not important in this—”

“Just read it, bird brain!” the princess demanded.

Sam sighed heavily. “P.S. If the froggy party can complete the utterly ridiculous task of locating the jeweled chalice of Queen Francis IV and return said chalice to the pedestal of insomniac royals, thus finally putting to sleep the souls of years of crabby relatives, then, and only then, may the froggy party marry into the royal family.”

Kermit scrunched up his face. “That is a ridiculous task,” he said.

The princess swooned. “Oh, Kermie, do vous know what this means?” she asked.

“Kermie?” Kermit asked, scratching his head.

“It means that vous and moi can get married after all!” the princess declared. “Oh! This is so exciting! I have to tell everyone—Ooh! We’ll need a cake! And I’ll need a new dress—”

“Not so fast!” Sam interrupted. “You seem to be forgetting something, princess.”

“Hmm?” the princess asked, looking at Sam innocently. “Oh! You’re right! The guest list!”

Sam frowned. “No,” he said simply. “You’re forgetting my choice for your suitor.”

The princess stopped her jubilant display. “What? Oh no… not him!”

Kermit looked from princess to advisor. “Erm… him?” he asked.

“Yes,” Sam said, “him.” He turned his head towards another door in the large throne room. “Oh, Beauregard!” he called out.

A dark brown… lump dressed in red and yellow tights and a hat with bells dangling off it ran in, jingling as he ran. “Yes, sir?” he asked Sam as he approached.

Kermit frowned. “Him?” he asked.

“Of course not,” Sam said. “Beauregard, please fetch the suitor!” the eagle declared proudly.

Beauregard the Court Jester scratched his head. “The suit or what?” he asked.

Sam came down of his proud cloud and stared at the jester. “The suitor!” he shouted, garnering a less than comprehensive look from Beauregard. “…The pig!”

“She’s right over there!” Beau said proudly, pointing to the princess.

The Highest Court Advisor sighed heavily. “The rich handsome fellow!”

“Ohhh,” Beau said, nodding slowly. “He’s right over there,” he said, pointing to Kermit, who jumped back nervously.

Sam smacked his head with his wing. “Never mind, I’ll fetch him myself!” he said.

Beauregard scratched his head again. “But you’re not a poochie!” he said as Sam walked off angrily.

Kermit shook his head and turned his attention back to the princess. “Erm, excuse me, Your Majesty?” he said to the prissy piggy.

The princess, who was imagining what a ring would look like on her finger, looked up with a jolt. “Ah ha ha—umm… yes, short, green, and handsome?”

Kermit looked down at his feet in embarrassment. “Uh… What’s your name?” he asked.

The princess almost fell out of her chair again. “Moi’s name?” she asked. “Didn’t you read it in the flyer?”

Kermit would’ve blinked if he could’ve. “What flyer?”

The princess shook her head. “Never mind,” she said. “Moi am Miss Piggy. Princess of this kingdom, black belt in karate, and a darn good kisser.”

Kermit squirmed uneasily. “Ah… I’m sure,” he said with a nod.

“Are vous a good kisser too, mon froggy?” the princess asked slyly.

“I… uh… I don’t… What?” he asked after stuttering.

“This simply will not do!” Piggy declared, stepping down from her throne (the much shorter incarnation). “I must test this before I make any decisions to have you as moi’s suitor.”

Kermit pulled back his face as Miss Piggy lunged towards him, wrapping him in her arms. “Uh—well, Miss Piggy, you see—Erm… it’s just that—What about Beauregard?” Kermit sputtered.

“He won’t tell,” Piggy said, leaning in towards the frog.

Kermit gulped loudly.

“Ooh, is she trying to make the froggy turn into a prince?” an incredibly dumb sounding voice asked, filling the room and breaking the moment.

Piggy released Kermit suddenly, forcing him to scramble to hold his footing. “He had something in his teeth!” she shouted defensively, whipping around to see who had entered.

Kermit took a peek behind Piggy and watched Sam lead in a tall, well-chiseled blonde pig adorned in purple princely attire and wearing a short brown cape with tall brown boots, followed fiercely by a much shorter, much older pig with flabby cheeks, beady eyes, and glasses.

“Introducing Prince Link Hoghtrob and his royal advisor, Dr. Julius Strangepork,” Sam said proudly.

“I’m actually the prince formerly known as prince,” Link told Sam.

Strangepork shook his head with a sigh. “No he’s not…” he mumbled with a thick Irish accent.

Kermit looked up at Miss Piggy. “Him?” he asked again.

Piggy groaned and covered her eyes in embarrassment. “Unfortunately…” she grumbled.

<-> <-> <-> <-> <->

Back in his dark tower, Uncle Deadly cackled wickedly (how else can you cackle?). “Oh boys, this is perfect!” he declared. “It’s almost too easy!”

Polly sighed. “It’s never too easy,” he mumbled.

“Go, my minions! Sneak into the throne room and follow the frog on this ridiculous quest!” Uncle Deadly ordered.

Clueless, Mad Monty, and Polly exchanged looks of confusion. “Why?” Clueless asked finally.

Uncle Deadly stared at his underlings. “Did you miss the entire back story?” he asked.

“Of course not!” Mad Monty said. “It was such a lovely performance. Will you be doing Hamlet anytime soon?”

“Yes, next month, but that is beside the point,” Uncle Deadly said. The three goofs stared at the blue wizard with blank expressions. He sighed. “Must I repeat it?”

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Clueless said innocently.

“Of course not,” Uncle Deadly said. “Anything for a performance!” he said sincerely. “Lights!” he shouted, causing the blue flames to dim, casting a shadow upon most of his figure.

An unseen piano started playing in low-key.

“When father dear was dying on the throne,” Uncle Deadly sang with a melancholy tone.
“He gave away his precious stuff and things
I got his stamp collection
And some of the affection
But the kingdom went to—Oh! You know who the kingdom went to!” Deadly said mournfully.

“My brother’s reign as king was blissfully despicable!
‘Cause glamour, glitz, and style were cast aside!
So I learned some black magic—
Yes, oopise, my bad!
Yes, I mutilated, maimed, and destroyed—
Just a tad!
For that I get banished?
But me, oh no, I’m not mad…
There’s just one little thing that I want
One teeny, tiny thing that I want:

“I want the good times back,” Deadly sang.
“I want those grand ol’ days!
I want the twisted nights
Full of sick delights
And wild par-tays!
I want that eagle fried, the jester’s hide
And all of the guards goodbye’d—
Not because I’m mean or selfish—”

“No!” Polly shouted defensively.

“Of course not!” Clueless added.

“I only want what’s mine!” Deadly continued.
“I want disgusting wealth!
I want exquisite glee!
Want the entire world
To worship me
On bended knee!
I want to greet my loving subjects
And then have them as a snack!
Remember those good times?”

Clueless and Monty shook their heads. “No… not really,” Clueless said.

“I want them back!” Uncle Deadly hissed. “Picture it, boys! Soon, I’ll be back on top! Giving orders, making laws, torturing prisoners! Bah ha ha ha! That dreaded law is the only thing that stands in my way! Now I just have to cheat this ridiculous little contest and I’m in! Come now, boys! Sing with me!”

“You’ll bring the good times back,” Polly, Clueless, and Monty sang, dancing a quick two step and forming into a line in front of Uncle Deadly.
“Resume your creepy fun!
Restore the joyful charm
Of causing harm to everyone!”

Uncle Deadly scooted out around front of the kick-line. “I want to make the kingdom cower
Like it never has before
Sure, it’s sheer abuse of power—”

“Oh?” Monty asked.

“Yes! That’s what power’s for!” Deadly shouted menacingly.
“I want to taste their tears!
I want to hear their screams!
I want the special rush
You get from crushing
Hopes and dreams!”

“It’s more than simply sentimental—” the three minions sang.

“It’s an aphrodisiac!”

“Remember those good times!”

“Oh god, were they good times!”

“It’s time for more good times!”

“Let’s get ‘em back!” Uncle Deadly declared.
“Now that I have a way
I’ll make her pay!
I’ll set that princess straight!”

“Poison?” Clueless asked.

“Sure,” Polly said with a shrug.

“Blackmail?” Monty asked.

“Why not?” Polly asked rhetorically.

“That frog!” Uncle Deadly reminded the idiots.

“Maybe…” Polly, Clueless, and Monty said.

“No!” Deadly shouted. “That’s it! That’s my way in!”

“But how, boss?” Polly asked. “It just don’t seem logical like!”

Uncle Deadly grinned an evil grin in Polly’s direction. “I’ll stalk that little frog!
Yes boys, I’ll stalk him bad!
I’ll trace him near and far
On and off radar
Until he’s found the chalice!

“Yes, I may show too much malice
But once he returns to the palace—
One way or another—”

“Surprise!” Clueless shouted.

“I’ll spring the trap!” Deadly sang.
“And get the good times back!
I mean with all the perks!
The princess, frog, the throne—
All mine alone!
The whole **** works!”

Polly, Clueless, and Monty gasped. “Boss!” Polly scolded. “You can’t say d’at!”

Uncle Deadly glared at the three of them and continued his song without missing a beat. “But most of all, I want to avenge
That wife of mine—the froggy girl—
I’ll set this kingdom on a whirl!
Fellas, it’s my time!
And frankly, it’s high time!
Those fabulous good times…”

“Came back!” Uncle Deadly harmonized with Polly, Clueless, and Mad Monty, holding the last word.

Uncle Deadly pushed his three lackeys toward the door. “Now go! Get me those good times back!” he shouted, cackling into the darkness.

<-> <-> <-> <-> <->

Gonzo the Great, Duke of Wherever looked up from a hand of cards and stared at Scooter the Squire. “Got any threes?” he asked.

Scooter looked down at his own hand of cards. “Nope,” he said, shaking his head, “go fish!”

Robin sighed heavily and looked up at Fozzie. “Do you think Uncle Kermit forgot about us, Fozzie?” he asked the bear.

Fozzie shook his head. “Huh uh!” he said surely. “But the audience might have…”

 

[TogetherAgain]

<GLOMP!>

Will say more later. Just getting in the first reply.

Edit: <Ahem> Now then. Let's see here... First of all, AWESOME re-write of the song. AWESOME delivery of it by Uncle Deadly. Love the kickline. Love the forgetful minions. Also, LOVE Polly scolding Deadly's potty mouth. (Doesn't he know that Long John's mouth wasn't squeaky-clean, either? Oh, and speaking of parentheses...)

(Who would put a price on a face?) (Unless of course it was my face.) (…Ladies?)

In the tradition of that one camping trip I went on where the girls started auctioning off the guys, when the guys weren't there, but it was Shabbat so we weren't supposed to use money... I bid fifty pinecones! (...For some frame of reference there, I don't think we "paid" any more than ten pinecones for the guys on the trip.)

Also, KERMIT! PIGGY! ALMOST KISS! That made me squeeful. And and and, "something in his teeth," even though he doesn't have any. I loved Piggy's introduction of herself, too.

OH! AND! Beau was awesome. And hilarious. AND, I LOOOOOOVED... Well, suffice to say... "Him?"

OH! AND! SWEDISH CHEF! Bumbling Swede! SO good. Loved Sam's translation. And Link! Prince formerly known as prince. And Strangepork! Funny, and well written, and YAY! Oh, and the wording of that law. That was fun. Loved Piggy jumping ahead on wedding planning.

Annnnnnnd, I think that covers everything, EXCEPT of course...

Gonzo the Great, Duke of Wherever looked up from a hand of cards and stared at Scooter the Squire. “Got any threes?" he asked.

Scooter looked down at his own hand of cards. “Nope," he said, shaking his head, “go fish!"

Robin sighed heavily and looked up at Fozzie. “Do you think Uncle Kermit forgot about us, Fozzie?" he asked the bear.

Fozzie shook his head. “Huh uh!" he said surely. “But the audience might have…”

Aww, Fozzie, of COURSE we haven't forgotten you! ...Or I haven't, anyway. By the way, what's their horse up to? Nice to see the cards return. And I LOVE that Fozzie is so CERTAIN that Kermit hasn't forgotten them, and quite glad he passes that certainty on to Robin. <pats Robin's head> I like that.

<Ahem> Awesome chapter, Prawnie. Awesome.

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[AnimatedC9000]

At first, I thought, "What the--Beauregard! ?" Then he went to fetch Link and I was like "Oh, okay..."

... I knew it was Link al along. Educated guess.

 

[The Count]

Cheer up Fozzie... Kermit's bound to leave the castle and pick you guys up if he's gonna go get that chaliss... Whatever a chaliss iss. Good work so far, especially now that we have Chef...
Chef: Durski kids.
Hi Chef.

And Bo too... The Muppet, not the MC member, though it'd be nice if he popped back in and read this.

So in conclusion, more please!

 

[Super Scooter]

This is hillarious! But... Strangepork with an Irish accent? Interesting.

Really great so far!

More, please!

<--valiant knight smiley

<--squire smiley

<--not in the book yet smiley (or frowny)

 

[The Count]

*Fires penguin cannons at Prawn. Post, or ye face our cue carded wrathery! Yeah, and don't spill the ink bottle... You'll need it fer writing that chapter. *Singing absently-minded... Sal, he spilled the sauce.

 

[RedPiggy]

Okay, first of all, I deeply apologize for not getting to this sooner. By the title, I thought Kermit was going to go on some middle-age crisis thing and buy himself a Ferrari.

I couldn't help but laugh at every single chapter. The beginning Storyteller's Ballad rewrite was inspired. I can so see this as an official special.

Kermit pulled a Cogsworth -- "who could ever love a frog" wasn't the only B&B reference!

Loved the Holy Grail bit.

Beaureguard was a MEAN red herring. LOL.