Your Favorite Jokes

[Ziffel]

That one with the burglar you told is a pretty good one, TA. I first heard it a few years ago and what really made me laugh the most was this one woman (about age 20). Another woman was telling the joke and the 20 year old kept interjecting silly comments after just about every sentence. Like after hearing about the burglar breaking in at night she said, "Ooh, this sound like scary story. I don't like scary stories." And after the parrot was mentioned she said, "A parrot? He scare of a parrot?" And when the burglar asks what the parrot's name is she interjected with, "And he say the boogeyman." The woman telling the joke didn't respond to any of these silly comments and later told me she thought it was rude of her to keep interjecting. But some of her lines cracked me up. The joke itself though, as I said, was pretty good I thought.

Okay here's one with a duck.

A duck walks in a general store and says to the clerk, "Do you have any duck food?" The clerk replies, "No, I'm sorry. We don't sell duck food here."
The next day the duck comes back in. "Do you have any duck food?" The clerk says, "No. We don't sell duck food here. I told you that yesterday."
The next day the duck came in yet again and asked, "Do you have any duck food?" The clerk got very angry and said, "No! If you ask me that one more time I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" The duck came in the next day and asked, "Do you have any nails or a hammer?" The clerk said, "No, we don't sell either of those here." The duck said, "Good. Do you have any duck food?"

 

[That Announcer]

My aunt loves that joke!

I forgot to tell you this: I have a fantastic audio version of my "parrot joke", which I'd be happy to send out if you want it.

 

[Krazedmuppet]

On an even cornier note, when people ask me, "What's new?", I'll sometimes reply, "New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New Zealand..."

No no, you forget the (them) "Whats new?" (me) "the 14th letter of the Greek alphabet."
Always loved that one....

What do you get if you dont pay your exorcists promptly?
You get repossesed!!!!! HAHAHAHA

or my dads fav since my uncle just had twins

there was this lady that was having twins. Sadly she got into a car accident, and went into a coma for 5 months. During which, she had the babys. When she came through she asked the usual "what happened" "where am I". but then she looked down and saw she wasnt pregnant anymore and asked what Happened. The Doctor said that the babys were fine and her brother was looking after them. She was like, "well I guess I better name them then, what did I have?" "you had one girl and one boy, and your brother already named them." She said "Oh no, not my brother, hes such an idiot, Im afraid to ask, what did he name them" "well, the girl he named Daniece." She thought about this for a few seconds the said "hmm... thats pretty, I like that. and the boy?" "Danephew"

 

[Gonzo14]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that's good

 

[DanDanStrawberry]

What's brown and sticky?
Poo!!

Love it!!!!!!!​

 

[Gonzo14]

FAMILY GUY JOKES

Peter - "What do call a woman, who takes forever to make breakfast" "You call her, Lois"

Stewie - "If you cooked any slower......well you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all now would you, no wait that wasn't right"

 

[That Announcer]

I've got another.

Ray and his wife Eileen were blessed in every way. They had been married for 25 years with few arguments; they had a beautiful house; Ray had recently retired early with a large pension. There was, however, one problem. Ray and Eileen had no children after 25 years of hoping.

At one point, a priest was about to leave for Rome, as he was to become a cardinal. Ray and Eileen went to their church to wish the priest goodbye. They told him their story, and the priest replied, "Well, that's very sad. When I get to Rome, I'll light a candle for you in the Vatican and pray for you as much as I can." "Thank you Father" was the reply.

Twenty years passed, and the now-cardinal came back from Rome. He had kept his promise to light a candle and pray for them, so he thought, "I'll stop in and see how things are." The priest spun by Ray's place, where Eileen greeted him on the front porch and invited him in. Once he was inside, Eileen gave him a rather interesting story.

"Your emminence, we now have eleven boys, ten girls and eight grandchildren." The cardinal was stunned, and he said, "That's amazing. Where is your husband?" Eileen replied, "He's gone to Rome to put the candle out."

 

[Ziffel]

Here's another one that often tricks people:

Tell the person you are going to give them a spelling test. But by spelling the word and they have to say what the word is. So if I say, "C-A-T" you say, "Cat." The person says ok.
Okay first word, M-A-C G-R-E G-O-R. Person says MacGregor
Right. Next word, M-A-C D-O-N A-L-D. Person says MacDonald
Correct. M-A-C D-U-F F-Y. Person says MacDuffy
Yes. M-A-C H-I N-E. Person often says MacHine or (even funnier) MacHiney. The word is machine.


Here's a simple one that only fools people once in a blue moon: What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

 

[Ziffel]

You know how geese flying in the sky often make a v shape. And did you ever notice how one side of the v is often larger than the other? Do you know why? Because there's more geese in one of the sides.
Okay I should be far away enough in location from all of you that I won't be able to hear the groans, loud as they are. haha

 

[DanDanStrawberry]

Why did the girl fall off her garden swing?

She wasn't holding on!!!!!

(sorry, that cracks me up every time)