Your Favorite Jokes

MGov

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A scruffy looking guy carrying a suitcase walks into a bar and asks about the piano player job. The bartender takes a look at him and asks, "Are you really a piano player?"

The guy says, "No. He's in here." And pulls out of the suitcase a small piano, sets it on the bar and then a ten inch man who sits down at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender is amazed. "Where'd you find such a little piano player?"

The guy reaches into his suitcase again and pulls out a genie's lamp. "I made a wish on this thing."

The bartender asks if he can give it a try. The guy hands the lamp over to him.

The bartender rubs the lamp and says, "I wish I had a million bucks!"

Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks! "Hey!" the bartender says, "I didn't wish for a million ducks!"

They guy says, "What? You think I wished for a ten inch pianist?"
 

MGov

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How many absurdists does it take to change a lightbulb?

5

One to change the lightbulb and four to fill the bathtub with Jell-O®.
 

abiraniriba

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ok here's one that Mr. Kotter used to tell that I like

Let me tell you the story about my Uncle Louie, he never took a bath in his life. One day he was driving in a car with two friends of his. One of them was Jewish and the other was Hindu. The car ran out of gas near a farm and they decided to stay at the farm so they asked the farmer if they could stay. The farmer said they could stay but he didn't have much room so one of them would have to stay in the barn. They said okay and the Jew volunteered to stay in the barn. A few minutes later he came into the farmer's house and said "There is a pig in the barn, a pig is not a kosher animal, so I cannot stay in the barn." "Okay" said the Hindu and he decided to stay in the barn. A few minutes later he came back in the farmer's house and said "I cannot stay in the barn, because there is a cow in the barn and I am not holy enough to stay in the same barn with a cow." So my Uncle Louie went into the barn. A few minutes later there was a knock on the farmer's door. The farmer opened up his door and there was the cow and the pig.
 

Ziffel

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Take a look at the joke I told in post # 7. It's along the same lines. :smile:
 

abiraniriba

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Okay here's another then

This might be little nasty but here goes

What do you call a fisherman who goes to college and gets a master's degree in putting worms on hooks?


A master baiter!!!:halo:
 

DanDanStrawberry

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abiraniriba said:
This might be little nasty but here goes

What do you call a fisherman who goes to college and gets a master's degree in putting worms on hooks?


A master baiter!!!:halo:
*covers ears* :wink:
 

Rosewood

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The Aligator and the Drunk

A soused alcoholic, with bagged open bottle in hand, was walking up a flight of stairs. When he reached the top, he suddenly heard a voice behind him that said "Drunk!"
He turned around to find an aligator at the bottom of the stairs, grinning at him. He said to the aligator, (in slurred speach) "What did you.. (hicup!)... call me?" The aligator just smiled and, again , said "Drunk!"
Irritated, the man said "You better not say..(Burp)....that again!"
The smiling 'gator again said "Drunk!"
Now agitated to anger, the man said to the 'gator "You say that...(hic!)...one more time, ..(burp!)... and I'll come down there, stick my arm in your mouth, grab the end of your tail...(hicup!) and turn you inside out!"
smiling big the aligator looked the man in the eye and said "DRUNK!"
The man, furious by now, marched down the stairs, thrust his hand in the 'gators mouth, grabbed the end of his tail from the inside, gave it a yank and turned the 'gator inside out. Satisfied that he had made good his threat, he marched back up the stairs. But, upon reaching the top, he suddenly heard the voice of the aligator say "Knurd!"
 

Rosewood

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The old rooster

A farmers rooster was getting old so he decided it was time to get a new one. He went and bought a nice young one with lots of spunk. Upon being placed in the coop, the young rooster went to the old one and said witha smirk, "Well, Old Timer, it looks like your days here are over." The old rooster just smiled and said "Oh, I don't think so." The young one said "Oh, yes they are! Now I'm King of the roost!" The old one said "Tell you what. I challenge you to a race. 3 times round the coop, and the first one to finish wins." With all the hens watching, the young rooster couldn't turn down the challenge. "Okay." he said. "And to prove I'm better than you, I'll even give you a head start!" The old rooster agreed and took off running with the young one close behind and gaining. Inside the farm house,the farmer heard the ruccus in the coop and, grabbing his gun, came outside and blew the young rooster away! "Gad zukes!" he said, walking back to the farmhouse."Thats the third gay rooster in a week!" :big_grin:
 

BEAR

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Rosewood said:
The Aligator and the Drunk

A soused alcoholic, with bagged open bottle in hand, was walking up a flight of stairs. When he reached the top, he suddenly heard a voice behind him that said "Drunk!"
He turned around to find an aligator at the bottom of the stairs, grinning at him. He said to the aligator, (in slurred speach) "What did you.. (hicup!)... call me?" The aligator just smiled and, again , said "Drunk!"
Irritated, the man said "You better not say..(Burp)....that again!"
The smiling 'gator again said "Drunk!"
Now agitated to anger, the man said to the 'gator "You say that...(hic!)...one more time, ..(burp!)... and I'll come down there, stick my arm in your mouth, grab the end of your tail...(hicup!) and turn you inside out!"
smiling big the aligator looked the man in the eye and said "DRUNK!"
The man, furious by now, marched down the stairs, thrust his hand in the 'gators mouth, grabbed the end of his tail from the inside, gave it a yank and turned the 'gator inside out. Satisfied that he had made good his threat, he marched back up the stairs. But, upon reaching the top, he suddenly heard the voice of the aligator say "Knurd!"

HAHAHAHA!!! That was an awesome joke!!:stick_out_tongue:
 

BEAR

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Rosewood said:
A farmers rooster was getting old so he decided it was time to get a new one. He went and bought a nice young one with lots of spunk. Upon being placed in the coop, the young rooster went to the old one and said witha smirk, "Well, Old Timer, it looks like your days here are over." The old rooster just smiled and said "Oh, I don't think so." The young one said "Oh, yes they are! Now I'm King of the roost!" The old one said "Tell you what. I challenge you to a race. 3 times round the coop, and the first one to finish wins." With all the hens watching, the young rooster couldn't turn down the challenge. "Okay." he said. "And to prove I'm better than you, I'll even give you a head start!" The old rooster agreed and took off running with the young one close behind and gaining. Inside the farm house,the farmer heard the ruccus in the coop and, grabbing his gun, came outside and blew the young rooster away! "Gad zukes!" he said, walking back to the farmhouse."Thats the third gay rooster in a week!" :big_grin:

Ummm....sorry, I don't get it.
 
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