Your Favorite Jokes

[That Announcer]

I've got another good one:

Murphy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and begins to place an order. He said, "I'll have five boilermakers; ten pints of Guinness; four whiskey-and-waters; three shots of straight rum; and two glasses of Absolut Citron." The bartender obliges, and soon places his huge order before him. Murphy then proceeds to drink everything in three minutes flat. The bartender, amazed by this spectacle, said "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink that fast!" Murphy said, "You'd drink that fast too, if you had what I've got." The bartender said, "So what have you got?" Murphy said, "A dollar."

 

[Squidward]

Here's one that cracks me up all the time:

A bear is chasing a rabbit throught the woods. Suddenly, the two see something shiny sticking out of the ground. They stop and decide to investigate. The bear picks the object out the ground and realizes it's an old lamp, like the kind used to hold genies in.
"Let's rub it and see if anything comes out!" says the bear.
He gives it a good rub and a huge puff of smoke comes out, followed by a genie!
"Thank you for releasing me!" the genie says. "As your reward, I shall grant you 3 wishes each!"
The bear quickly says "I wish all the other bears in the forest were females!" The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." And poof! All the bears in the forest are female.
The rabbit thinks about it for a while and then says "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." And poof! A motorcycle helmet appears and the rabbit puts it on.
Then the bear says "I wish all the other bears in the COUNTRY were female!" And the genie snaps his fingers and makes it so.
So the rabbit says "I wish I had a motorcycle." And the genie snaps his fingers and a motorcycle appears. The rabbit gets on it, turns it on, and pumps the gas, ready to go.
The genie says "You each have one more wish!" So the bear smiles and says "I wish all the other bears in the WORLD were female!" And poof! The genie snaps his fingers, and every other bear in the world is female.
The rabbit revs the engine on his motorcycle and says "I wish the bear was GAY!" and drives off into the sunset.

 

[Ziffel]

For a long time I've enjoyed getting people with this one:
"I just bought a pretty cool henway at the store."
"You bought a what?"
"A henway."
"What's a henway?"
"About ten pounds."

On an even cornier note, when people ask me, "What's new?", I'll sometimes reply, "New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire, New Mexico, New Zealand..."

But I've LONG stopped replying to "What's up?" with, "The sky, the ceiling, prices ..." ! That's about as funny now as "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." (Although "Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken." and "Why did the lion cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off." are a little more tolerable.

 

[Ernie101]

Or.. Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station.

Now tell me dat ain't hillarious!

 

[Ziffel]

Dat is so dern halarious, thar Ernie ol' boy!

And permit me to mention one other one that came to mind:

A man was driving down a country road and he saw two guys holding up signs that said, "Turn before it's too late". He shouted to them, "Get out of here you religious freaks!" as he drove by. One guy turned to the other and said, "Uh oh. Maybe we should have worded our signs, 'Bridge is out!' ".

 

[Beauregard]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other Slide!

Why did the chicken cross the motorbike?
To get to the other Side-Car!

What do you get if you cross a chicken?

Oh I love that one! Wocka, Wocka!

 

[TogetherAgain]

Why did the road cross the chicken?

...wait, um... uh, just ignore that...

But I can't stand not posting this ol' joke of mine. When people complain about something not making sense, I say, "Why make sense when it's more profitable to make dollars?"

 

[foofoocakes]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done.

Why don't chickens dance?

They left their tap shoes at home.

 

[Skeeter Muppet]

Q: What do you call a line of one hundred rabbits walking backwards?
A: A receding hare-line.


A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this, a joke?"


17th Century philosopher Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Would you like to hear our specials for the day?"
Descartes says "I think not," and disappears.


-Kim

 

[Ziffel]

A snail entered a contest and won a new car. He painted a big bright letter s on it. One day someone asked him why he put the s on the car. The snail said, "Well, before I had this car I had to crawl to get from place to place. And people would often make fun of me and say, "Ha! Look at that slow snail." But now when I zoom by in my car they say, "Wow! Look at that s car go! (escargot)"


Bonus snail joke: A snail knocked on a door. A man who was watching football answered the door and was miffed that the snail interrupted his game. "Get out of here you stupid snail!", he shouted, as he punted the snail 50 feet across his front yard. Three years later, there was a knock at the door. The man answered the door and the snail said, "What was that for?"

And finally:
A bigwig was at work today and told a joke. Since he was a bigwig everyone laughed at the joke, of course. But it wasn't half bad, anyway:
I have the world's shortest fairy tale for you. A man asked a woman to marry him. She said no. And he lived happily ever after!