Your Favorite Jokes

[That Announcer]

Boy, have I got a good one for you. Christians, take warning, for this could easily offend you.

Wilson hadn't been to confession for 25 years. So one day he finally decided he had to go. He looked into his church confession times, and headed over. It was a Saturday, at 4:00 when Wilson entered the booth. He said, "Bless me Father, it has been twenty-five years since my last confession." Wilson then proceeded with a tirade of sins, to which the priest was aghast. Three hours after entering the booth, he was still going strong. The priest thought to himself, "He won't know if I slip out for a while." The priest then hopped into his car and drove away from the church. Another two hours passed, and finally Wilson ended. He looked up and saw another man in the booth. Wilson said, "Where's the priest?" The other man said, "I'm not sure, but if he heard what I did, he's gone for the police."

 

[Ziffel]

One of my favorite sitcoms of all time, "The Honeymooners", had a lot of funny and clever jokes busting on Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) for his weight. Here's a sampling:

Ralph: Did you ever see a picture of me when I was 175 pounds?
Ed: No Ralph, I never did see any of your baby pictures.

Ralph: I never want to speak to you again. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.
Ed: When you come down the street, there ain't no other side.

Ralph: Do you want to go to the show with me or not? I can't use two seats.
Ed: That's a matter of opinion.

Ralph: Alice, why are you throwing away my trumpet?
Alice: Ralph, you haven't touched it in years.
Ralph: So? That doesn't mean I don't want to keep it.
Ed: He's right, Alice. After all, he hasn't touched his toes in years but he still wants them.

Ralph: You're so gullible, Alice. You're the type who would bend way over on April Fool's day to pick up a pocketbook. I wouldn't.
Alice: You COULDN"T.

Ralph: This isn't a crazy get-rich scheme, Alice. This has lots of potential. This is maybe the biggest thing I've ever gotten into.
Alice: The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.

Ralph: I guess I just gotta learn how to swallow my pride.
Ed: That shouldn't be too hard. You've learned how to swallow everything else.

And a few bonuses along this line from "Abbott and Costello":

Abbott (to a sporting goods store sales clerk) : Excuse me sir, I'd like to see a uniform that would fit Costello.
Clerk: So would I!

Costello: I'm about 120 pounds overweight. But I'm gonna go back to my normal weight.
Clerk: Oh really, what's normal?
Costello: 60 pounds overweight.

Abbott: Costello, you should really go on a diet. Of course you know what a diet is, don't you?
Costello: Oh sure. That's where you can eat all you want of everything you don't like.

Clerk: Young man, if you really want to lose weight why don't you try exercising with a couple of dumbbells?
Costello: Okay. I'm ready whenever you and Abbott are.

 

[That Announcer]

I've got another, with apologies to Harvey:

An American was vacationing over in Scotland. Sitting on a park bench one afternoon reading his book, he was disturbed by the sounds of a bagpiper a good twenty yards across from his seat. He was annoyed by the piper's squeals and scrawls, and finally decided, "Well, if he's going to play, I may as well request a song." He waited for the piper to finish his last drawn-out screech, and then walked up and said, "Can you play 'Danny Boy' on that thing?" The piper said, "What, again?"

 

[Harvey Towers]

Oh, if that's the way your going to play it...

That reminds me of a true stroy - I appreciate your Canadian but the thought is there.

The late great Chic Murray - a Scottish Comedian - was on a BBC Radio Scotland tour which involved flying around several Scottish islands and doing a live radio show on each.

At one of the airports the plane was held up and they were sat there and an American tourist was sitting across from him and he said:

"What's the matter with this country, Scotland. There's not service, there's no courtesy, nothing seems to run on time. What's the matter with your people? Whoever told me to come to Bonnie Scotland gave me a bumsteer. I wanna tell ya, as far as I'm concerned Scotland is the backside of the Universe"

Chic looked up and said:

"I suppose your just passing through"

 

[Ziffel]

Back to Abbott and Costello briefly. I love jokes involving puns and they had a lot of them. Some were hilarious and clever while others were real groaners.
Here's an example of ones that fit those two categories in my opinion:

Good one:
Abbott: Some day you'll find your niche in life.
Costello: What will I find?
Abbott: A niche, a niche, you'll find a niche.
Costello: Abbott when I find an inch I scratch it.

Groaner:
Abbott: Did you ever draw a fat salary?
Costello: No, I never drew a fat celery. But I once sketched a skinny tomato.

 

[HeraLirambar]

Warning! May be offensive. (Religious jokes are my fave.) At least I found one rated G.

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Ziffel]

This was from the cover of an old Mutt and Jeff comic book I had, but let's substitute Ernie and Bert once again for fun, and because I could see Ernie doing this:

Bert: Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed?

Ernie: I want to see how I look when I'm asleep.

 

[Ziffel]

Here's another good one that never fails to get people: (Only works verbally. To see the joke typed out gives it away)

A farmer had thirty sick sheep and one died. How many are left? The person will say, "Thirty five" because sick sounds like six, since the s in sheep comes after it.


And what time is it when you go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth hurty)

 

[That Announcer]

A burglar breaks into a house one evening with a hockey bag slung over his shoulder. The residents were out, so he had the place to himself. He proceeded to load up his hockey bag with a couple DVD players, a computer, a printer, a few small kitchen appliances and a bunch of CDs. He reached in behind the VCR in an attempt to unscrew the cables, when he heard a voice.

"Jesus is watching."

He looked around, unable to see anything in the dark of the house; so he unscrewed the VCR cables and popped the machine into his hockey bag. He went over to the dining room, opened the china cabinet and began to load the plates into his bag. Then, the voice sounded again.

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar was getting a little annoyed, so he grabbed the flashlight he had on his belt and began to scan the room with it. His light eventually fell on a parrot, sitting in its cage.

"Aha", he said, "what's your name?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
The robber said, "Moses, eh? Who in their right mind would call a parrot Moses?"
The reply was, "Same guy who called his hundred-fifty-pound pit bull Jesus."

 

[Gonzo14]

I learned this one in Drivers Ed from the instructor

the cops are waiting outside a restaurant, they see someone come stumbling out and walk towards a car, they plan to catch this guy drinking and driving, so they wait for him. The guy tries to open the door to a car, and realizes that it's not his car, he does this to every car until he finds his. He then gets in his car and drives, as soon as he exits the parking lot, the cops pull him over, they give him a breathalizer test, it comes up 0, they think this can't be right, they try it again, and it comes up 0, they ask him "how are you not drunk?" he says "I'm the designated decoy"