Part XV: Operation "Bring Home the Bacon," Part 1
Part XV: Operation “Bring Home the Bacon,” Part One
Back in the Bear family’s old barn, shivering from the cold, the Muppets again convened to discuss strategy. Via Ivan, they only knew how to find Piggy, who was living in the middle of the Navajo desert in a custom-built mansion. Which was unfortunate because Kermit would have been the infinitely easier one to approach. Miss Piggy was just so—
“Pig-headed!”
“And irrational!”
“And violent. Don’t forget the violence, okay.”
“I mean, what’s to stop her from just hanging up on us when we call her?”
Gonzo nodded. “You’re right. So let’s not give her the chance. We’ll go see her in person.”
Floyd raised a bushy eyebrow. “What’s to stop her from killing us in person, man?
Dr. Teeth chuckled loudly, his whole body shaking with laughter, while Fozzie frowned disapprovingly at both band members.
“Well,” said Scooter thoughtfully, “what if we took her by surprise? We might have a chance then.” He turned to Sam. “Sam, didn’t you go work for the Secret Service after we split up?”
The large blue eagle puffed up his feathers. “Yes. It was a job that a true patriot such as myself was born to do.”
“With all that experience, couldn’t you come up with a way of breaking into Piggy’s mansion and sneaking up on her?”
“I could,” said Sam, with more than a hint of pride in his voice. “But I seriously doubt you weirdos would be able to pull it off.”
“Please, Sam?” pleaded Gonzo, eyes wide with hope.
“Please?”
“Aw, come on, Sam.”
“Do it for Kermit, Sam!”
Sam thought it over. For Kermit? Well. He had to admit he owed the frog. Kermit had always believed in him, even when none of the other Muppets did. “All right,” Sam said. “I’ll do it. For Kermit.” He straightened up and surveyed his troops. They were indeed a ragtag bunch, but they would have to do. “The key to any such mission is to appropriately use each team member’s strengths. Now let us begin. Does anyone have blueprints of Miss Piggy’s home?”
“Si,” said Pepe, laying out the papers on a nearby bale of hay. “They were just faxed to us this morning, okay.”
“Excellent work, Mr. Prawn. As you can see from the plans, there is a tall exterior wall surrounding the house. Crazy Harry!”
Harry perked up. “Sir, yes, sir!”
“You will be our explosives man. Your job will be to blow a hole in the wall so that we may enter.”
“Crazy Harry explode!” said Harry, pushing down the detonator on his omnipresent dynamite. The explosion blew out some of the boards on the barn and, while few Muppets seemed to care, a horse whinnied in meek protest at the noise.
Sam shook his head and muttered, “I regret this already.”
Rizzo studied the plans. “But what if Piggy’s got security guards? Won’t they hear the explosion?”
“That is where you come in, Mr. Rat,” said Sam. “Your small size will allow you to enter underneath the gates. You will then do surveillance and, if there are any guards, subdue them with a sleeping gas developed by—” Sam whirled around and pointed towards Bunsen and Beaker. “—Dr. Honeydew and his loyal assistant Mr. Beeker.”
“Righto!”
“Mee mo!”
Satisfied with their enthusiasm, Sam nodded approvingly. “Once the guards are asleep, we will enter through the hole in the wall. Mr. Gonzo, it will be your duty to devise a way of scaling the walls of the mansion.”
“Neat! How about shooting ourselves out of cannons?”
“That will do.” The eagle then turned to the flock of penguins congregating by the cow’s stall. “Penguins, once we are on the roof, you will peck out the skylight—you can see it here on the blueprints—so that we may gain entry.”
The penguins chattered their assent.
Next, Sam turned to Fozzie and Rowlf. “Mr. Bear. Mr. Dog. Your job is to distract the pig while the others sneak up behind her. Perhaps you can put together a short vaudeville routine?”
“Ah! Of course! Did you hear the one about the—”
“Not now, Fozzie,” whispered Rowlf.
“Oh. Sorry.”
Sam glared at them but continued, “The rest of us will then seize the pig and subdue her.”
Janice looked alarmed. “Like, easier said than done!”
“I understand your reserve. But considering how many of us there are, I think it possible, if not probable.”
Everyone fell silent, thinking about the huge task before them. They all hoped they were up to the challenge. Finally Fozzie broke the silence: “All right! Everybody, out to the bus! Let’s get the show on the road!”
A mad dash out the barn’s door followed, with Muppets fighting to get a good seat on the bus and avoid having to be seatmates with Animal. Sam was the last to leave, walking slowly. “To think,” he said to himself, “that I went from serving the president of the United States of America … to this.” But then he too climbed aboard the bus, and the adventure was underway.