The Muppet Show Script- Tim Brooke-Taylor

[MartyMuppets]

Very interesting thought Daffy. Though I suppose a crocodile could have easily swallowed Robin whole in one gulp. You even actually made me think about Kermit as Batman but it probably would be too disjointed since he appears immediately afterwards in the Talk Spot. But thank you for your thought.

And now the second of the sketches Dave helped me with.

 

[MartyMuppets]

Panel Discussion

(Uncle Deadly, a female What-not, Kermit, Tim and Animal are gathered as the introductory music plays and camera closes in on Kermit)

K: Once again the time has come to raise the intellectual level of our programme as our panel discusses matters of lasting importance. Our topic tonight is Relaxation Therapies. And our guest panelist is Professor Melvin Clampton, an expert in relaxation techniques.
T: Thank you Kermit.
K: Professor, what are some of your most recommended techniques?
T: Well when people are feeling stressed or frustrated it's important to clear out their tension. Meditation is a favourite practice of mine. You just lay back on your bed or in your armchair, close your eyes and think about anything other than what's worrying you. And you'll feel much better.
UD: I meditate often. But my preferred place to do it is either while I'm hanging upside-down inside a musty old wardrobe or better yet, lying down in a coffin filled with scorpions.
Female: Eeeeeek!
K: Hey, are you all right?
Female: Are you sure this man won't try to bite me?
UD: Please don't fret. I assure you, I'm a gentleman. I never bite without asking first.
Female: (even more hysterical) Eeeeeeek!
Animal: Wo-man! Wo-man! Great high-pitch!
(Kermit desperately calls for calm to be restored and they all quiet down. Female is trembling and Animal gazes at her nodding with his mouth open)
T: I suggest Miss, that you take a few slow deep breaths. That's another excellent way of easing tension.
UD: May I also recommend a nice invigorating stretch on the rack? I had one last year in Transylvania while visiting Castle Dracula.
(female cries out once again and faints)
K: Oh dear.
T: That's all right. Just leave her on the floor. Fainting isn't one of my most recommended techniques, but it may do her some good.
Animal: Good woman faints really cute. Ha! Ha!
K: Uh, so Professor, what else do you think is beneficial to relaxation?
T: Now that you ask Kermit, I often love to incorporate soothing music into my relaxation therapies. As they say "Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast".
Animal: Okay. (he lifts a small drum kit up onto the table and starts banging away really annoying Tim)
T: Hey! Will you cut that out?
(he dares to try to take the drums away from Animal who objects violently and starts attacking Tim. Tim screeches in horror while Uncle Deadly just sits in his seat calmly watching)
K: Er. Join us next week when our topic will be "Can wild animals ever be truly tamed"?

I think this panel discussion is my favourite part of my script to date.
What does anybody else think of it?

 

[crazed gonzo fa]

Awesomely awesome job BBG! Thanks and God Bless You!

 

[MartyMuppets]

Thanks and God bless you too cgf.
More coming soon and any further comments are most welcome.

 

[Skye]

Lol, very awesome, Marty! Great updates! I have to say that the Vet's Hospital was my favorite of the new sketches, hehe, but I love the Panel Discussion as well. I adore the conversation between Uncle Deadly and the Female. And I just loved the whole Vet's Hospital sketch! It's great the way you wrote it, I could totally imagine the actual sketch in my head! I love it! And keep it comin'!

 

[MartyMuppets]

I'm briefly back online at the moment, but let me say that I'm preparing the next installment of this script. It's really great though sometimes even I wonder how Mr.Tim Brooke-Taylor is going to finish his guest star episode in one piece.

 

[Skye]

It's really great though sometimes even I wonder how Mr.Tim Brooke-Taylor is going to finish his guest star episode in one piece.

Hehe, I think we sometimes wonder that about many guest stars who show up in Muppet world! But it's so cute that you stopped in to make this post for us, Marty. And I most definitely look forward to more of your awesome script!

 

[MartyMuppets]

Tomorrow is the 12th for me. But I think I can post the next part now. It's downloading music that affects the bill most.
So here it continues beginning with a Statler and Waldorf discourse after the panel discussion.

W: What's your favourite method of relaxing?
S: Watching a very creepy horror movie on TV.
W: Is that really relaxing?
S: It most certainly is after watching this show. (they both laugh)
K: (coming onstage) Ladies and gentlemen, now that Animal has been subdued and restrained our guest star has calmed down and been persuaded to come back onstage. Here he is, Mr. Tim Brooke-Taylor. Yaaaay.
(curtain opens revealing Tim in Fozzie's comedy set)
TBT: Thank you. Thank you. I'm so pleased to be here tonight. You're...
Fozzie: (coming onstage) Tim, I have to say something.
TBT: Fozzie. You're supposed to have your own monologue when I'm finished.
F: But Tim. Let me speak. I have always been a big fan of the Goodies. It has always been my dream to work with one of them. Furthermore you are my favourite member of the team. Can you imagine how I must feel that my favourite Goody said no to me? Can you?
(audience cries Aaaawwww)
TBT: (hesitant) Oh well Fozzie. I suppose we can work together then after all.
F: You mean it? Oh boy!
W: You'll regret this decision for the rest of your life Tim.
F: Hey Tim. Why did the duck cross the road?
TBT: Uh. Because it was the chicken's day off?
F: No, he was handcuffed to the chicken. Wocka. Wocka.
S: I'd like to handcuff you to the lampost on the other side of the road. (Waldorf laughs)
F: Aw. You two stubborn...
TBT: Hey don't let them upset you Fozzie. I liked that joke.
F: Oh thank you Tim.
TBT: Did you hear about the tragedy yesterday? The postman accidentally tripped dropping his bag of letters into a mud puddle.
F: Was it really so tragic Tim?
TBT: You bet. Everybody was blackmailed. (Tim and Fozzie laugh together)
W: We'll put a black mark against you both.
F: My sister used to be a tap dancer.
TBT: Was she good?
F: Unfortunately she kept falling off the taps and landing in the sink.
S: Why don't you do the same?
W: Yeah. Disappear all the way down the drain.
F: Oh Tim every week I have to put up with...
TBT: It's all right Fozzie. Let me handle them. (winks at Fozzie) Listen gentlemen. I'm going to ask you a question. If you can guess the answer Fozzie and I will admit that we are awful comedians.
S: Okay.
W: You're on.
F: Are you sure you can face up to them Tim?
TBT: Just watch me Fozzie. What is red, sits on a bookshelf and goes honk honk?
W: Huh?
S: What kind of dumb question is that?
TBT: Can't you think of the answer?
W: There is no answer.
S: What rubbish.
TBT: Well let me tell you gentlemen. The answer is a pineapple.
W: But a pineapple isn't red.
TBT: You can paint it red.
S: A pineapple doesn't sit on a bookshelf.
TBT: You can place it on a bookshelf.
W: Hey. But a pineapple doesn't go honk honk.
S: Yeah. What do you say to that?
TBT: Ah. I only included that part to make it difficult.
(Statler and Waldorf groan as Tim and Fozzie laugh uproariously as the curtain closes)

BACKSTAGE

TBT: Fozzie I actually enjoyed working with you. You have a marvellous comical talent.
F: Thanks Tim. And I just loved the way you put egg on those two old geezers faces. You were wonderful.
TBT: I'm so delighted to have shared the spotlight with you my friend. I've never had such a big charge come so close to blowing me away before.
Crazy Harry: This time the charge will blow you away.
(Tim and Fozzie scream in terror as Harry plunges the detonator with a huge BLAM!)
( As the smoke clears Tim appears blackened with soot and his clothes in tatters. He sets his arms like a teapot handle and spout and starts tipping himself over and over)
TBT: I'M A TEAPOT! I'M A TEAPOT! I'M A TEAPOT!

WAYNE AND WANDA

Sam: Tonight Wayne and Wanda are going to perform a wonderful rendition of "Somewhere over the Rainbow" from the glorious musical "The Wizard of Oz. (as curtain opens) Please do it right for me.

(They are standing in a beautiful garden with a rainbow painted in the background.)
W and W: (singing together) Somewhere over the rainbow...
(suddenly a large house comes crashing down on top of them. The door opens revealing a little girl carrying a dog)
Girl: Toto I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

more to come soon

 

[crazed gonzo fa]

Awesomely awesome job BBG! I love the Wayne and Wanda sketch! PIOL!

 

[MartyMuppets]

PIOL right back at'cha cgf

And more terrible misfortune is awaiting Tim Brooke-Taylor before my script is through.