Muppets of the Caribbean

[TogetherAgain]

CARIBBEAN AMPHIBIAN! And the look at Robin and-- and-- HAPPY TOGA! And and and "I could hold a grudge for at least two more sequels." PERFECT! Oh so awesome.

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Edit: Prawnie ziffled me! Great Halves think alike...

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE NINETEEN

EXT. ISLAND - BEACH

JACK and PIGGY climb up onto the beach. JACK looks back as the Black Pearl sails away.

JACK​

That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away with my ship.​

PIGGY​

How could this happen? To me? I'm supposed to be the star of this movie! They would have never done this to Audrey Hephburn.​

JACK starts to walk around the island, in search of something, trying to figure out exactly what part of the island he's on.

PIGGY​

What are you doing?​

JACK​

Looking.​

PIGGY follows him around.

PIGGY​

You were marooned here before, weren't you? We can escape the same way you did then! Now... how do we escape?​

JACK​

We don't, love.​

PIGGY​

What? But we have to! My Kermie is in danger. We have to get off this island!​

JACK​

To what point and purpose, young missy? The Black Pearl is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice... possibly, but it won't be me searching - young Kermit will be dead long before you can reach him.​

JACK starts knocking on a tree trunk. He takes four steps and jumps up and down a few times.

PIGGY​

This cannot be happening. You're Captain Jack Sparrow!​

JACK​

Thanks for remembering, love.​

PIGGY​

What about all those stories? You're supposed to be the best pirate there is! And not a bad looker either. How did you escape last time?​

JACK​

Last time... I was here a grand total of three days, all right? Last time...​

He opens up a hidden cellar door and goes in it.

JACK​

(cont'd) ...the rumrunners used this island as a cache. Came by, and I was able to barter a passage off. From the looks of things, they've long been out of business. Probably have your bloody friend Hogthrob to thank for that.​

He returns with two bottles of rum.

PIGGY​

You're kidding. ... That's it? That's the story of the infamous Jack Sparrow's escape?​

JACK​

You've forgotten already. It's Captain Jack Sparrow.​

PIGGY​

You spent three days on this island getting drunk? And now we're stranded here forever?​

JACK​

That's about the size of it.​

He hands her a bottle of rum.

JACK​

Welcome to the Caribbean.​

He walks away.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

JACK and PIGGY have built a large bonfire. They dance around the fire, pretty much drunk.

BOTH
(sung)​

We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs.
Drink up me 'earties yo ho!
Yo ho, yo ho a pirate's life for me.​

JACK​

Oh, I love this song! ... Really bad eggs!​

JACK falls down, sitting. PIGGY sits next to him.

JACK​

When I get the Pearl back, I'm gonna teach it to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time!​

PIGGY​

We'll sail all of the Spanish Main!​

JACK​

... We?​

PIGGY​

Of course, Jacky! We've always been "we," you and me.​

JACK​

"You and me" would make a we, wouldn't it?​

PIGGY​

You will be the most feared pirate in the Spanish Main with me by your side.​

JACK​

Not just the Spanish Main, love. The entire ocean. The entire world! Wherever we want to go, we'll go. That's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails and... and...​

PIGGY​

A rudder?​

JACK​

A rudder. And...​

PIGGY​

Longboats?​

JACK​

Longboats. And...​

PIGGY​

(dreamily) *sigh* Romance?​

JACK​

... Well, that's somethin' entirely different, innit? Anyway, that's what a ship needs but what a ship is, what the Black Pearl really is... is freedom.​

PIGGY​

Oh, it must have been terrible for you to be trapped here... all alone. Without any company at all. ... Oh, Jack! Hold me!​

JACK​

Miss Piggy, I'm not entirely sure that I've had enough rum to allow that kind of talk. But then, when is there ever enough rum?​

JACK lifts his bottle to toast.

JACK​

To freedom.​

PIGGY lifts her bottle.

PIGGY​

To love!​

JACK​

To the Black Pearl.​

JACK gulps down the rest of his bottle, and loses consciousness.

THE NEXT MORNING...

JACK wakes to the smell of smoke. He turns around and sees that PIGGY has set the island on fire! He runs to her.

JACK​

No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade! The rum!​

PIGGY​

Yes, the rum is gone.​

JACK​

Why is the rum gone?​

PIGGY​

Is that all you care about? Rum? When you have a beautiful lady to share this island with?​

JACK​

(desperate) Why is the rum gone? ! ?​

PIGGY sits at the horizon.

PIGGY​

Just wait, Captain Sparrow. The entire Royal Navy is looking for me. They'll see this signal, and you'll see white sails on that horizon in an hour.​

JACK takes out his pistol to shoot PIGGY. He thinks better of it, puts it back, then storms off.

As he walks away, he imitates MISS PIGGY.

JACK​

"Hold me, Jack! Must've been terrible for you to be trapped here, Jack. Must've been terrible for you." Well it bloody is now!​

JACK stops when he sees the Dauntless approaching the island.

JACK​

There'll be no living with her after this.​

End scene.

 

[Super Scooter]

I added/changed a few things in that scene. I didn't like it. Wasn't funny enough. Still don't like it, but at least I can live with it now.

 

[TogetherAgain]

LOVE IT! Jack and Piggy-- er, Elizabeth-- er-- THE LINES SWITCHED! JACK hasn't had enough rum! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it! And Piggy chiming in with all the things a ship HAS... <Happy sigh>

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[theprawncracker]

Oh I totally agree with everything Lisa commented on! HAHAHA! Jack is just SO GOOD WITH THE MUPPETS! Well... he pretty much IS a Muppet anyway. Loving Gonzo so much in this, he's just perfect, if you're most proud about anything in this tale, it shold be the scourge of the Seven Seas himself, Captain Gonzo!

This is just great stuff! I can't wait to see Link and Jack interact some more, that'll be fun! So...

More please! ! !

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE TWENTY

ON THE DAUNTLESS...

JACK and PIGGY are now safely aboard. It is crewed by LINK, SCOOTER, ANDY, RANDY and several other PIGS. ROWLF is also on board, and PIGGY is talking to him now...

PIGGY​

But, Daddy, we have to save Kermie!​

ROWLF​

Who? Who's Kermie?​

PIGGY​

Kermit the Frog!​

ROWLF​

Oh, yeah! How is ol' Kermit?​

PIGGY​

He's been captured by pirates!​

The whole crew gasps.

ROWLF​

I see. Well, that is indeed regrettable, my dear. But we can't just go gallivanting after pirates just for some frog.​

LINK​

If he were a pig, perhaps.​

ROWLF​

He'd have to be some pig. In any case, darlin', it was his decision to perform acts of piracy.​

PIGGY​

He only did it to rescue me!​

JACK​

If I may be so bold as to inject my professional opinion. The Pearl was listing near to scuppers after the battle. It's very unlikely she'll be able to make good time. (trying to entice LINK) Think about it. The Black Pearl. The last real pirate threat in the Caribbean, mate. How can you pass that up?​

LINK​

By remembering that... I'm afraid of pirates! They give me the heebie-jeebies.​

PIGGY​

Link, please! Do it for me.​

LINK​

What for?​

PIGGY​

If you do, I'll... I'll... (unentusiastic) I will marry Link Hogthrob.​

ALL​

What? !​

PIGGY​

I'm not sayin' it again!​

ROWLF​

Miss Piggy, you're accepting Link's proposal? Really? ... Do I smell rum on your breath?​

PIGGY​

Yes, I am accepting... the proposal.​

JACK​

A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!​

LINK​

Well, I always knew you couldn't resist my dashing, debonair... self.​

PIGGY​

*groans* What have I done?​

LINK​

Mr. Sparrow, take us to... that creepy, weird place you said we were going to.​

LINK smiles, smuggly.

INT. BLACK PEARL - BRIG

JOHNNY and SAL are swabbing the floor. All of JACK'S crew are crammed into one cell, and KERMIT is comfortably alone in another.

BEAKER​

Mee mee mee mee mee mee mee.​

BUNSEN​

(to JOHNNY and SAL) Oh, dear. Beaker says that you've missed a spot.​

BEAKER denies this. JOHNNY makes a threatening motion with his mop.

JOHNNY​

What'd you say in there?​

SAL​

Yeah, what'd you say about Johnny Fiama? You insultin' his swabbin'?​

JOHNNY​

Thanks, Sal.​

SAL​

Yeah, you better watch out in there! Johnny's ma taught Johnny how to swab decks, and when Johnny gets home to his ma, he's gonna have his ma swab you!​

JOHNNY​

That's enough o' that, Sal!​

FLOYD​

Hey, you live with your ma? So sad.​

JOHNNY​

(defensive) She has a condition! You leave my ma outta this, you!​

FLOYD laughs.

KERMIT​

(to JOHNNY) You knew Bill the Frog?​

JOHNNY turns around to face KERMIT.

JOHNNY​

Yeah. Yeah, I knew 'im. Ol' Bootstrap Bill. Bootstrap never liked what we did to Jack Sparrow when we mutinied. He said it wasn't right with the Code, or some malarchy like that. That's why he sent that piece of the treasure to you. He said... He said we deserved to be cursed!​

SAL​

Stupid frogs.​

FOZZIE​

He was a good man.​

JOHNNY shoots FOZZIE a look. FOZZIE covers his face with his hat.

JOHNNY​

Anyway, Captain Gonzo didn't like that so much.​

SAL​

He didn't like it too much at all! Hey, hey, tell him what- tell him what Gonzo did next, huh? Tell him. Tell him.​

JOHNNY​

(snapping at SAL) I'm tellin' the story, here! (muttering to himself) Mama ragazza. (to KERMIT) So the boss... he strapped a cannon to Bootstrap's bootstraps. And the last we saw of him... he was sinking to the crushing black oblivion of Davy Jones' Locker! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! ... Of course, then we realized we needed his blood to lift the curse.​

SAL​

That's what you call ironical.​

GONZO enters. He points to KERMIT.

GONZO​

(to SAL) Bring him!​

OUTSIDE THE CAVE...

The pirates have all gone in. The Black Pearl sits in the distance, and so does the Dauntless. LINK, JACK, ANDY, RANDY, and several other PIGS occupy two longboats just outside the cave's entrance.

LINK​

(nervous; biting his fingers) Uh, I don't like this. This place is so spooky! If we try to storm the caves, we could be a-a-a-a-a-a-ambushed!​

JACK​

Not if you're the one doing the ambushing. I go in, I convince Gonzo to send his men out with their little boats. You and your mates return to the Dauntless and blast the livin' whozitz outta them with your little cannons, eh? What do you have to lose?​

LINK​

Uhh... Just you. But, I'm okay with that.​

JACK​

(knowingly) Now, to be quite honest with you, there's still a slight risk for those aboard the Dauntless... which includes the future Mrs. Commodore.​

LINK​

... And?​

JACK​

(trying to coax the right response from him, with no success) And... perhaps it would be a good idea if she were somewhere... safe.​

LINK'S still not registering yet.

ON THE DAUNTLESS...

SCOOTER and three PIG GUARDS are pulling PIGGY along to her cabin. They're having some difficulty with this task.

SCOOTER​

(straining) Uh, sorry, Miss Piggy. Ooof! It's for your own - ack! It's for your own safety!​

PIGGY​

Get your hands off of me! I have to warn the commodore! The pirates are cursed!​

She is finally in the cabin.

SCOOTER​

Cursed? Ha ha! Yeah, and I suppose a little mermaid flopped up on deck with her singing crab to tell you that, huh? Ha ha ha ha!​

PIGGY​

Why you-! Hiiiiiiiii-​

SCOOTER shuts and locks the door, just as PIGGY karate chops at him. She hits the door instead.

PIGGY​

Ow! Ow! Ow! Oooooh! (angrily) Jack Sparrow! I'll kill 'im!​

End scene.

 

[Muppetfan44]

Wonderful as always!

I loved it when robin came flying into the ship, and when Jack looked at Robin after Kermit threatened to kill himself and make Gonzo lose the family blood forever!

I love it all. It is just so funny. Captain Jack Sparrow and the muppets were meant to be together!

Great Job! Keep posting more!

 

[The Count]

Aaaaaargh! Don' be talkin' smack about ma girl Ariel. Now off with ye ya scurvy knave and post more'n this exciting seafaring shanty.

 

[theprawncracker]

HAHAHAHA! ! ! ! Mermaid and her talking crab! TOO FUNNY! I love this stuff! Gotta see more! *tries not to drool*

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE TWENTY-ONE

INT. CAVE - NIGHT

The pirates have all gathered around the mountain of gold. GONZO stands on top of it, behind the treasure chest. KERMIT is being dragged to GONZO by JOHNNY and SAL.

KERMIT​

Uh, hey listen, fellas. I've been thinking. Ya know, I never believed violence solved anything anyway, so how about you let me go. I could stop off at a blood bank or something on the way back, and send you--​

JOHNNY​

Eh, listen, Kermit, baby! There ain't nothin' to worry about here!​

KERMIT​

Uh, there isn't?​

JOHNNY​

Nah! We're just gonna prick your finger, get a few drops o' blood, and you're done.​

SAL​

Yeah, absolutely nothin' to worry about!​

GONZO​

(addressing the pirates) Gentlemen! Welcome to the complete and total sacrafice of... Kermit the Frog!​

The pirates cheer.

KERMIT​

"Complete and total sacrafice?"​

SAL​

Eh... well, maybe you do have something to worry about.​

GONZO​

I present before you now... the blood of Bootstrap Bill! With the sacrafice of this frog, we shall be free! Free! Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!​

Fireworks go off! The pirates go into a huge celebration!

The FEMALE SINGERS from The Muppet Show enter.

FEMALE SINGERS
(sung)​

Oh freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Yeah, freedom!
Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Ooh, freedom!​

KERMIT
(sung)​

You better think...​

FEMALE SINGERS​

Think!​

KERMIT​

Think about what you're trying to do to me!
Yeah, think...​

FEMALE SINGERS​

Think!​

GONZO​

Let your mind go, let yourself be free!​

GONZO AND FEMALE SINGERS​

Oh, freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Yeah, freedom!
Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Ooh, freedom!​

GONZO​

There ain't nothing you could ask I could answer you but I won't.​

FEMALE SINGERS​

I won't!​

GONZO​

I was gonna change, but I'm not, to keep doing things I don't!
You better think...​

FEMALE SINGERS​

Think!​

KERMIT AND GONZO​

Think about what you're trying to do to me!
Yeah, think...​

FEMALE SINGERS​

Think!​

KERMIT AND GONZO​

Let your mind go, let yourself be free!
You need me and I need you.
Without each other, there ain't nothing people can do.​

JACK enters and starts pushing his way through the crowd of partying pirates.

JACK​

Beg your pardon. Excuse me.​

KERMIT, GONZO AND SINGERS​

Oh, freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Yeah, freedom!
Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! (Freedom) Freedom! Ooh, Freedom!​

JACK​

'scuse me. 'scuse me.​

GONZO​

(seeing JACK) Hold everything!​

The music and celebration stop abruptly.

GONZO​

I don't believe it. It isn't possible!​

JACK​

Not probable.​

KERMIT​

Jack! Where's Miss Piggy?​

JACK​

She's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Hogthrob, just like she promised. And you get to die for her, just like you promised. So we're all men of our word really... except for Piggy... who is, in fact, a woman.​

GONZO​

Quit blabbering! I have a frog to dissect. And you're... next!​

GONZO holds his knife to KERMIT'S throat!

JACK​

You don't want to be doing that, mate.​

GONZO​

No, I really think I do.​

JACK​

Your funeral.​

GONZO rolls his eyes and lets out an aggrevated sigh.

GONZO​

All right, fine! Why? Why don't I want to kill the frog?​

SWEETUMS places his hand on JACK'S shoulder.

JACK​

Well, because... (slaps SWEETUMS hand off) ... because the HMS Dauntless, pride of the Royal Navy, is floating just offshore. Waiting for you.​

OUTSIDE THE CAVE...

LINK, ANDY, RANDY and the PIGS are still waiting in the longboat.

ANDY​

Um, Mr. Captain, sir?​

LINK​

That's Commodore Captain to you!​

ANDY​

Sorry. Mr. Commodore Captain, sir? Why are we here?​

LINK​

We're waiting for the pirates!​

ANDY​

No, I meant why are we here?​

LINK​

... You mean like in the grand scheme of things?​

RANDY​

What is a "ski-ma-thing?"​

PIG SAILOR​

Hey, uh, didn't that Jack guy say we was supposed to go back to the ship?​

LINK​

Do you always take orders from pirates, sailor?​

PIG SAILOR​

Well, uh, no, but, it seems to me like he mighta known somethin'.​

LINK​

Yes, but what he knows, I do not. Therefore, we stay right here until he explains.​

PIG SAILOR​

(sarcastically) ... Yeah. That makes sense.​

INT. CAVE

JACK is explaining his plans to GONZO.

JACK​

Just hear me out, mate. You order your men to row out to the Dauntless. They do what they do best. Robert's your Uncle, Fannie's your Aunt, there you are with two ships.​

GONZO​

Well, actually, Fannie's my uncle and Bob is my aunt... nine times removed on my mother's side.​

JACK​

In any case, mate, with two ships you have the makings of your very own fleet. 'Course you'll take the grandest as your flagship, and who's to argue? But what of the Pearl? Name me Captain! I'll sail under your colors, I'll give you ten percent of me plunder and you get to introduce yourself as Commodore Gonzo. Savvy?​

GONZO​

And I suppose in exchange for all this, you want me not to kill the whelp.​

RIZZO​

What is a "whelp?"​

JACK​

No, no. Not at all. By all means, kill the whelp.​

RIZZO​

Why are we saying "whelp?"​

JACK​

(cont'd) Just not yet. Wait to lift the curse until... the opportune moment.​

KERMIT notices something in JACK'S eye as he says "opportune moment."

JACK​

For instance...​

JACK picks up a few of the medallions.

JACK​

(cont'd) ... after you've killed Hogthrob's men.​

He tosses the medallions back in, one by one, as he talks...

JACK​

Every... last... one.​

He casually pockets one of the medallions, with no one but KERMIT watching. KERMIT tries to figure out what JACK is up to, but...

KERMIT​

You've been planning this all along! Ever since you found out who I was.​

JACK​

... Yep.​

GONZO​

I want fifty percent of everything you take!​

JACK​

Fifteen.​

GONZO​

Forty!​

JACK​

Twenty-five. And I'll buy you the hat. A really big one... Commodore.​

GONZO​

... Velvet lining?​

JACK​

Is there any other?​

GONZO​

We have an accord.​

They shake hands.

ALL PIRATES​

Huzzah!​

JACK​

(to the pirates) All hands to the boats!​

GONZO​

Excuse me?​

JACK​

Apologies. You give the orders.​

GONZO​

(to the pirates) Gentlemen! Take a swim.​

The pirates smile as they walk away.

JACK​

(confused) Not to the boats?​

As the pirates walk out, CLIFFORD stops JOHNNY and SAL, smiling.

JOHNNY​

I do not like that look.​

End scene.