Muppets of the Caribbean

[The Count]

No! Gonzo you fool! Don't agree to anything this jackanaipe has to offer. He's hoodwinking you worse than that crum-bum of an Easter bunny! And you Kermit... Where's the volcano of pent-up emotional rage? Feh... *Tosses popcorn pellets at wastebasket waiting for the next update.

 

[Super Scooter]

And you Kermit... Where's the volcano of pent-up emotional rage? Feh...

Umm... sorry? Should I add that?

 

[The Count]

Nah... Just reactin' to the reading. Keep posting, it's coming along great.

 

[theprawncracker]

YES! Hahahahaha! Oh my goodness! Gonzo and Jack's entire exchange was just AWESOME! Kermit trying to talk Johnny and Sal out of taking him up there... and THEN the musical number! ! ! ! HAHAHAHA! SO AWWWWWWWESOME! I did NOT see that coming AT ALL! But it was just SO perfect! This story just rocks my Prawnie socks right off! More please! *toddles off spouting "whelp"*

 

[Super Scooter]

Don't lose your prawnie socks! How will you cover your prawnie feet?

(to the baseball tune)

"Whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp... whelp-whelp-whelp-whelp whelp WHELP!"

 

[theprawncracker]

My poor widdle Pwawnie feet... *runs across hot coals!* THIS COULD WORK!

"Whelp! Whelp! Whelp-whelp-whelp-whelp whelp whelp whelp whelp WHELP! ! !"

 

[Super Scooter]

"Whelp," that'd about do it.

 

[theprawncracker]

"Whelp," that'd about do it.

Aww... whelp... I'm off to... do... something else.

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE TWENTY-TWO

OUTSIDE THE CAVE...

LINK, ANDY, RANDY and the PIGS watch as JOHNNY and SAL, both dressed as women, exit the cave in a longboat. They keep themselves hidden from the moonlight with parasols. JOHNNY and SAL are followed by several CHICKENS dressed as pirates, and one giant chicken (SWEETUMS).

The PIGS aim their weapons at the CHICKENS.

LINK​

Hold your fire, men! Um, it's two lovely ladies and a bunch of chickens dressed as pirates.​

PIG SAILOR​

Um, pirate chickens aren't suspicious?​

LINK​

Have you known any that were, sailor?​

PIG SAILOR​

Uhh, I don't think I've known any.​

LINK​

Then how could they be suspicious? Especially in the presence of women. (calling out to JOHNNY and SAL) Yoo-hoo! Hubba hubba! Hey, baby!​

IN JOHNNY AND SAL'S BOAT...

SAL​

Hey, this is great! It's like what they did at Troy... only they were in a horse instead of dresses.​

JOHNNY​

Yeah. ... Hey, Sal, I was thinkin' here.​

SAL​

Yeah, Johnny?​

JOHNNY​

How is it they need us as a diversion if the others are all just followin' us anyway?​

SAL​

I dunno, Johnny, but I am loving this spring dress! Does this make my hips look big to you?​

ON THE DAUNTLESS...

ROWLF approaches PIGGY'S cabin.

ROWLF​

(talking through the door) Oh, dear daughter, how it pleases me that you've decided to marry ol' what's-his-name. (to camera) At last I can get her outta the house. Haven't been able to see a nice collie in ages! (to PIGGY in the cabin) However, I can't help but notice that you are unhappy with this decision. As happy as it might make me, and I can't believe I'm sayin' it, but your happiness should.... (hesitates) Your happiness should come first... Daughter? ... Miss Piggy, are you there?​

He opens the door to find that she has escaped out the window.

ROWLF​

Dang. ... Practiced that speech all day.​

Meanwhile, SCOOTER is peering out at JOHNNY and SAL'S longboat as it approaches.

SAL​

(in the distance) Yoo-hoo! Oh, boys!​

SCOOTER​

Why are there women out here? And why can't they be better looking?​

ON THE LONGBOAT...

JOHNNY smacks SAL.

SAL​

Yoo-hoo--ow!​

JOHNNY​

Cut it out, Sal! It's embarassin'!​

SAL​

Aw, but ya look so nice, Johnny.​

JOHNNY​

Oh, well, thank you, Sa-- (angry) I look nice? !​

Furious, JOHNNY drops the parasol. Surprised, SAL drops his. They both turn into chickens, and start pecking at each other.

ON THE DAUNTLESS...

SCOOTER sees JOHNNY and SAL turn into chickens.

SCOOTER​

Those aren't chicks! Their chickens! (calling out) Men! Open fire on the chickens!​

All of the PIGS on board the Dauntless start firing at the chicken pirates. The chickens start clucking frantically, swimming and leaping around in the water, unsure what to do now that they've been discovered.

INT. CAVE

JACK, GONZO, KERMIT, BLIND PEW, RIZZO (sitting on GONZO'S shoulder) and BLACK DOG wait for the other pirates return.

GONZO​

I thought I had you all figured out, Jacky-boy. You are a hard man to predict.​

JACK​

Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid.​

JACK unsheathes one of BLACK DOG'S swords and tosses it to KERMIT.

BLACK DOG​

Hey!​

BLACK DOG goes after his sword, grabbing another from off the ground. KERMIT fights with BLACK DOG and BLIND PEW. BLIND PEW, of course, can't see where he's going, and falls into the water.

BLIND PEW​

So, an underwater battle, is it? Very well! Ha ha!​

BLIND PEW swings his sword around aimlessly, thinking he's still attacking KERMIT.

JACK unsheathes his own sword, and goes to fight with GONZO.

GONZO​

You're out of your head, Jack! It a fool's mission to battle with... monsters!​

GONZO steps into the moonlight and turns into a chicken.

GONZO​

... Or chickens, anyway.​

GONZO lunges at JACK, returning to his normal state. They continue to fight.

RIZZO​

(on GONZO'S shoulder) Ack! Careful! Careful! Shouldn't you have a lisence for that thing?​

INT. BLACK PEARL - BRIG

PIGGY enters to rescue JACK'S crew.

FOZZIE​

Ahh! Miss Piggy! It is so good to see you! We knew Jack would save you off the island.​

PIGGY​

Jack would save moi?​

FOZZIE​

Shh! There are still pirates on board.​

JANICE​

And they're totally not groovy.​

INT. CAVE

JACK and GONZO continue to fight! They travel up to the top of the mountain of gold, where a beam of moonlight shines on the treasure.

GONZO​

You can never beat me, Jack!​

JACK​

And why not?​

GONZO​

It's simple! I play dirty.​

GONZO pushes JACK into the moonlight, where JACK turns into a chicken!

JACK​

(looking at his feathered hand) Well, that is interesting.​

JACK takes out the medallion that he had kept earlier.

JACK​

I couldn't resist, mate.​

RIZZO​

Hey, he's a chicken, too!​

GONZO​

(to JACK) Not bad! What are you doin' later?​

JACK​

Sorry, mate. I prefer redheads.​

JACK and GONZO continue their battle.

GONZO​

So what now, Jack Sparrow? Will it be two immortals locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound?​

RIZZO​

Ooh, very biblical.​

JACK​

Or you could surrender.​

GONZO​

Hmm. An interesting thought. ... I think not!​

GONZO laughs as he runs after JACK.

ON THE DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL...

MISS PIGGY, FOZZIE and the rest of JACK'S crew gather around.

ALL​

Hurray!​

FOZZIE​

Wow, Miss Piggy! The way you handled all of those bad guys! What a great victory over those evil pirates!​

PIGGY​

Did you expect any less?​

FLOYD​

That's probably the greatest scene in the entire movie! Too bad it had to get cut like that.​

PIGGY​

Yes, well, isn't that Hollywood. Now, then!​

MISS PIGGY rushes to one of the longboats, getting ready to lower it into the water.

PIGGY​

All of you with me. My Kermie is in that cave and we must save him. Ready? And heave!​

PIGGY realizes that no one is helping her with the boat.

PIGGY​

What are you doing? I need your help! Come on!​

DR. TEETH​

Well, we have the Black Pearl.​

FOZZIE​

There are pirates in there!​

PIGGY​

You're all pirates! What about Jack? You're just going to leave him, too?​

FLOYD​

Jack owes us a ship.​

FOZZIE​

He said to stick to the code... and there are pirates in there!​

PIGGY​

The code? Who cares about the code? You're pirates! The code is a more like a guideline, anyway.​

IN PIGGY'S LONGBOAT...

PIGGY rows to the cave alone.

PIGGY​

Lousy pirates!​

ROBIN peeks his head out from behind her.

ROBIN​

Hiya!​

PIGGY​

(surprised) Holy guacamole! Oh... it's you. (sweetly) Oh, what are you doing here, little Robin?​

ROBIN​

I came to help you rescue my Uncle Kermit. I'll help you beat all those pirates, Aunt Piggy.​

PIGGY​

Ah, ha! Well, how sweet... if not completely useless.​

ROBIN​

Useless? Why, I may be small, but I'm also short. And with those things combined, it makes me little. And there's a lot little people can do!​

PIGGY​

(confused) ... Have you been talking to Jack Sparrow?​

ROBIN​

Just you wait, Miss Piggy. You'll see!​

As PIGGY and ROBIN row to the cave, the Black Pearl sails away.

End scene.

 

[theprawncracker]

HAHA! "I prefer redheads." WONDERFUL! Perfect Jack right there! I also liked "Those aren't chicks--they're chickens!" That was just awesome! I loved how the chickens were just following Johnny and Sal. And ROBIN! Oh dear, be careful little frog!

More please!