Muppets of the Caribbean

[The Count]

Yargh! We wants an update! *Fires chicken pirate, followed by penguin pirate at Scooter, the MC member, not the Muppet.

Now post mor'n o' this story... Or we make ye part o' our dread crew doomed to eternal blackness.

 

[Super Scooter]

Hehe! Actually, I was just coming to post more. Gimme a little bit. (sorry took so long)

 

[AnimatedC9000]

We forgive you. After all, there's no reason in rushing perfection.

Oh, and in response to an earlier post...

"With A Little Help From My Friends" was originally sung by Ringo Starr. Janice sang that song in the Lynda Carter episode of TMS. Therefore, the Ringo of the group. XP

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE TWENTY-THREE

INT. CAVE

JACK and GONZO continue to fight in the background.

KERMIT and BLACK DOG are also fighting. KERMIT dodges a few swings, then pushes BLACK DOG back a few steps. BLACK DOG starts to loose his footing, but recovers, and starts charging toward KERMIT!

BLACK DOG​

(to KERMIT) I'll show you the meaning of pain!​

Suddenly, MISS PIGGY enters!

PIGGY​

You like pain? Hiii-yaaaa!​

PIGGY karate chops BLACK DOG, causing him to double over in pain.

PIGGY​

(cont'd) Try wearing a corset!​

KERMIT​

(excited) Miss Piggy! ... (thinks) That line was terrible!​

PIGGY​

Yeah, well, I didn't hear you come up with anything.​

KERMIT​

Well, it's still a relief to see you, Miss Piggy.​

ROBIN pops up.

ROBIN​

Hi, Uncle Kermit!​

KERMIT​

Ack! Robin? What are you doing here?​

ROBIN​

I wanted to see the fight! Who's winning?​

KERMIT​

Robin, you should be on the ship.​

ROBIN​

Aw, you don't let me have any fun!​

KERMIT​

Er, getting your throat sliced is not fun!​

ROBIN​

*gasp!* Is that what they were gonna do to you, Uncle Kermit? That'd be neat!​

KERMIT​

(aggrivated) Robin!​

PIGGY has been watching JACK and GONZO fight.

PIGGY​

Kermit? Who's side is Jack on?​

KERMIT turns to look.

KERMIT​

Uh, at the moment?​

BLIND PEW is still swinging his sword aimlessly. He does this until he comes across BLACK DOG. He then starts attacking BLACK DOG.

BLACK DOG​

Hey! I ain't the one you want!​

BLIND PEW​

Ha ha! You may try to hide your voice, but I know it's you, Frog! Ha ha!​

BLIND PEW and BLACK DOG start fighting each other.

JACK and GONZO move through several rays of moonlight shining down through holes in the top of the cave, causing them to turn back and forth into chickens as they fight.

GONZO​

I could do this all day, Jack! What a blast! Ha ha!​

GONZO pulls out an apple from his pocket, still fighting.

GONZO​

I am really going to enjoy this when you and the frog are gone.​

JACK​

Don't count on it.​

JACK takes out his pistol, aims it at GONZO, and fires! ... He misses completely, and the bullet hits BLIND PEW in the rear.

BLIND PEW​

Argh! They're attacking from behind!​

GONZO​

(to JACK) Ten years you carry that pistol, and now you waste your shot?​

JACK​

Oops.​

They move over to where KERMIT, PIGGY and ROBIN are. GONZO grabs ROBIN and runs toward the treasure!

KERMIT​

Robin!​

ROBIN​

Help! Uncle Kermit!​

KERMIT runs up the mountain of gold to where GONZO is standing, right next to the cursed treasure. Before he can do anything, though, GONZO stops him with his sword. KERMIT stops dead in his tracks.

GONZO​

Hold it right there! I'll get Bootstrap's blood one way or another!​

JACK​

What are you talking about, mate?​

GONZO​

Ha! Thought I wouldn't be able to figure it out, eh? Hmmph. Shows what you know!​

RIZZO​

(sarcastically) Nice comeback. What are you gonna do now? Push him off the playground?​

GONZO​

The curse will be lifted, my friend! If I can't have that frog, I'll take this frog! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha!​

ROBIN​

(nervously protesting) Hey! This wasn't in the original movie!​

GONZO​

Of course not! You think Geoffrey Rush could pull off something like this?​

JACK​

I wouldn't be doin' that if I were you, mate. He's no relation to Bootstrap.​

GONZO​

Of course he is! He's a frog!​

JACK​

That's profiling, mate.​

GONZO​

Well, we'll soon find out, won't we! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha-!​

While GONZO laughs, PIGGY sneaks up behind him, and kicks him down the mountain of gold to where JACK is standing!

GONZO​

Hey! Whoa! Oof!​

JACK slices his hand with his sword, covers the medallion he took with his blood, then tosses it into the treasure chest. He then takes his sword, and pins GONZO'S sleeve to the cave wall. GONZO drops his apple when this happens.

GONZO​

Hey. Hey!​

KERMIT slices his own hand, and drops his medallion and blood into the treasure chest... the curse is lifted!

GONZO staggers for a moment, suddenly able to feel again.

GONZO​

I feel. I feel! Hey, this is great! Ha ha! Oooh, my apple!​

GONZO goes for his apple... but it is just out of reach. No matter how hard he tries, he can't free himself. He is stuck there, pinned to the wall, unable to enjoy his apple.

GONZO​

Hey! That is not fair! I demand a do-over! Let me off of here! Hey! Come on, you guys! If you don't help me, how will there ever be a sequel? Jack! Jack!​

KERMIT, PIGGY, ROBIN and JACK walk away from him.

RIZZO approaches.

RIZZO​

Ooh, hey! An apple. Good, I'm starved.​

RIZZO picks up the apple and scurries off.

GONZO​

Nooooooooo!​

OUTSIDE THE CAVE...

All the pirates have turned back into themselves. They're there, floating in the water with their hands up in surrender.

That is, all except for JOHNNY and SAL. Although they are now in their natural state and in the water, they continue to peck at each other, unaware that anything has changed.

JOHNNY​

C'mere, you!​

SAL​

I'll show you, Johnny Fiama!​

JOHNNY stops.

JOHNNY​

Hey. Hey, wait a minute, Sal.​

SAL stops.

SAL​

Yeah, Johnny?​

JOHNNY​

We ain't chickens no more.​

SAL​

Hey! You're right! ... Um, Johnny?​

JOHNNY​

Yeah, Sal?​

SAL​

(panicking) I can't swim!​

OUTSIDE THE CAVE...

A few minutes have passed, all the pirates have been taken into custody, and KERMIT, PIGGY, ROBIN and JACK come out of the cave in a longboat. JACK has gathered as much treasure as he can carry, but none of it matters when he realizes...

JACK​

... Where's my ship?​

PIGGY​

I'm sorry, Jack.​

JACK​

*sigh* They done what's right by them. Can't expect more than that. ... And I suppose soon, you'll do what's right by Mister Hogthrob, eh, Missy?​

KERMIT glances at PIGGY, upset. PIGGY looks solemn, thinking about her wedding to LINK.

End scene.

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR

EXT. PORT ROYAL - COURTYARD - DAY

A crowd has gathered around to see the hanging of CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. JACK stands on the gallows. PIGGY, LINK and ROWLF all stand to one side. KERMIT is in the crowd, listening to SCOOTER as he reads off the charges against JACK.

SCOOTER​

Er, sorry about this, Mr. Sparrow. *ahem* (reading the charges) Jack Sparrow, be it known that you have...​

JACK​

(irritated) Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow.​

SCOOTER​

... Uh, should I add that?​

LINK​

Just get on with it!​

SCOOTER​

Oh, right. Uh, let's see... (reading) ... willfully commiting crimes against the crown. Said crimes being numerous in quantity, several in number, and not very nice overall. The most egregious- egregious? (shrugs) The most egregious of these to be cited herewith: Piracy, smuggling...​

SCOOTER continues as the following interchange takes place.

PIGGY​

(to ROWLF) But, Daddy, this is wrong!​

LINK​

He's a pirate! A nasty, icky pirate. And it's the law that nasty, icky pirates would be hanged.​

ROWLF​

It even says the "nasty, icky" part.​

LINK​

Mmm-hmm. Very true. That is one of the most important parts.​

SCOOTER​

(cont'd) ... impersonating an officer of the Spanish Royal Navy, impersonating a cleric of the Church of England...​

JACK​

(smiling) Ah, yes!​

SCOOTER​

(cont'd) ... impesonating an employee of a brothel...​

JACK looks around, innocently.

JACK​

I was framed for that.​

The EXECUTIONER (THE SWEDISH CHEF carrying a meat cleaver) glares at him.

SCOOTER​

(cont'd)... sailing under false colors, arson, kidnapping, looting, poaching, brigandage, pilfering, depravity, depredation, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes you have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck... um, until dead. May God have mercy on your soul.​

JACK​

Thanks, mate. Really put things into perspective for me. I've learned me lesson. Turned over a new leaf. But, I'm late for an appointment, I really ought to be goin', eh?​

JACK starts to walk off, but THE SWEDISH CHEF grabs him.

THE SWEDISH CHEF​

Ye shur de hoo, de hoo der hooby-oo!​

JACK​

Or I could stick around for a bit. Things could look up, yeah?​

SCOOTER​

Er, not really.​

KERMIT moves through the crowd to where PIGGY, LINK and ROWLF stand.

KERMIT​

Governor Rowlf. Commodore. Miss Piggy. Piggy, I should have told you every day from the moment I met you. I love you.​

KERMIT walks away as the noose is put around JACK'S neck.

JACK​

What? No phone call? A last request?​

PIGGY realizes what KERMIT is about to do.

PIGGY​

(over-acting) Ahhh! I can't breathe!​

PIGGY falls over backward. ROWLF and LINK turn to help her.

ROWLF​

Piggy! Are you all right?​

LINK​

Oh, I hope she doesn't start bleeding. I pass out around blood!​

KERMIT unsheathes his sword and pushes his way back through the crowd.

KERMIT​

(shouting) Move!​

PIGGY sits up in time to see KERMIT throw his sword as JACK begins to fall. The sword sticks to the trap door so that JACK has something to stand on to keep himself from being hanged.

KERMIT climbs up to where THE SWEDISH CHEF is. He threatens him with his sword once. THE SWEDISH CHEF takes out his meat cleaver and waves it at him. KERMIT, seeing the size of it, grins sheepishly, then starts to run. THE SWEDISH CHEF chases after him, swinging his meat cleaver the way he would with a run away chicken. He swings the cleaver around, and accidentally cuts JACK free.

JACK quickly removes the ropes from around his hands and neck. KERMIT joins him, and the two fight all the way to a tower, where they are cornered by the PIG GUARDS, including STRANGEPORK, ANDY and RANDY.

STRANGEPORK​

Sho, you thought you could eshcape from ush, eh?​

JACK​

(pointing to KERMIT) His idea, mate.​

ANDY​

Hehe! Mr. Strangepork talks funny!​

RANDY​

Hehe! Yeah. "Shoo shought shoo should sheshcape shrom shush!" Hehe!​

STRANGEPORK​

Qviet! Imbeshilic pigsh!​

LINK, PIGGY and ROWLF run up the stairs to the tower.

LINK​

(out of breath) So far... I'm not having any fun. Phew!​

ROWLF​

(to KERMIT) Are you out of your mind, boy! When we got back ta Port Royal, I granted you clemency! (to camera) That's a pardon, folks. (to KERMIT) This is the thanks I get? You mix yourself up with a pirate? Again?​

KERMIT​

And a good man.​

JACK points to himself proudly and mouths, "That's me."

KERMIT​

And if all that will be gained from this is that two will be hanged instead of one... well, then... go ahead and hang me.​

JACK​

... Well, if... if you're going to die for me anyway, there's really no sense in wasting two lives unnecessarily.​

KERMIT shoots him a look.

JACK​

(to LINK) ... That'll be two nooses, then, if you please.​

KERMIT​

At least my conscience will be clear.​

LINK​

Now, now, I think you're forgetting your place, froggy.​

KERMIT​

My place is here. Between you and Jack.​

PIGGY stands next to KERMIT.

PIGGY​

So is mine.​

ROWLF​

Great! Now she's a pirate! Where did I go wrong? (looking around) I'm just a dog in a pig's world.​

All of the PIGS lower their weapons, not wanting to harm PIGGY.

LINK​

... Wait a minute. You love Kermit?​

PIGGY​

Yes.​

LINK​

Well, that's going to make our wedding night rather difficult.​

PIGGY​

I'm sorry, Link. Moi's heart lies with moi's frog.​

JACK sees a chance to make his escape, and takes advantage of it.

JACK​

Well! I'm actually feeling rather good about all this. (to ROWLF) I think we've all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually... Ecumenically... Grammatically. (to LINK) I want you to know that I was rooting for you, mate. Know that.​

LINK​

Oh, well, thank you very much.​

JACK​

Miss Piggy... it would never have worked between us, darling. I'm sorry.​

PIGGY​

We come from two different worlds, Jack.​

JACK​

And that's only the beginning, love. (to KERMIT) Kermit? Nice hat.​

JACK leaps up onto the tower's ledge.

JACK​

Friends! This is the day that you will always remember as the day that--​

JACK stumbles and falls over the edge. They all look down at him as he peeks out above the water.

JACK looks out and sees the BLACK PEARL coming to his rescue.

STRANGEPORK​

(to LINK) Commodore? Commodore! What are we going to do, shir?​

A whistle blows. All the PIGS start to walk out.

LINK​

Well, that's that.​

ROWLF​

What's what?​

LINK​

Work's out. We'll go after him in the morning.​

STRANGEPORK​

Yeah, between the hoursh of nine and five o'clock.​

All of the PIGS exit, leaving KERMIT and PIGGY in each others arms as ROWLF looks on.

ROWLF​

Piggy? This is the path you've chosen? I mean, he is a blacksmith.​

PIGGY​

No. ... He's a pirate.​

KERMIT​

And much more than that, Miss Piggy. I'm a...

(sung)​

... Caribbean Amphibian!
I like to hop in the tropical sea.
Caribbean Amphibian!
A frog in a coconut tree!

Everybody!​

Several FROGS and PENGUINS enter.

ALL​

He's a Caribbean Amphibian!
He likes to hop in the tropical sea.
Caribbean Amphibian!
A frog in a coconut tree!
A frog in the coconut tree!​

KERMIT​

Ribbit ribbit!​

ON THE BLACK PEARL...

JACK'S CREW gathers around as he boards.

JACK​

Mr. Fozzie! You were supposed to keep to the code.​

FOZZIE​

(nervously) Oh, I'm sorry, Captain, but... well, see, we figured the code was more of a guideline, anyway.​

BEAKER hands JACK his hat.

JACK​

Ah, thank you, Mr. Beaker.​

BEAKER​

Mee mee mee mee moo!​

ROBIN​

Captain Sparrow? Even though you owed all the other pirates a ship, well, we decided we'd give you this one anyway.​

DR. TEETH​

The ship is yours, Captain.​

JACK walks over to the helm and looks around fondly, completely in love with his ship.

JACK​

On deck, you scabrous dogs! Man the braces! Let down and haul to run free.​

The crew scatters to go do as they're told.

JACK​

Now... bring me that horizon.​

JACK takes out his compass and starts humming "A Pirate's Life for Me."

JACK​

(mid-song) ... And really bad eggs...​

He snaps the compass shut.

JACK​

Drink up, me 'earties, yo ho!​

ROLL CREDITS.

AFTER THE CREDITS...

INT. CAVE

GONZO sits alone, still pinned to the wall, playing "goldfish" with himself.

GONZO​

Got any threes?​

He checks his other hand.

GONZO​

(to himself) Go fish.​

He shakes his head, and draws a card.

Meanwhile, RIZZO sneaks up to the cursed treasure. He takes a medallion out, and looks at the camera.

RIZZO​

What? I kinda like this whole chicken thing. (lunging toward the camera; becoming a chicken) B-KAWK!​

THE END

 

[theprawncracker]

*stands up and applauds wildly! ! ! !* Super Scooter! That was HONESTLY the BEST fan-fiction I have read on here in a LONG LONG LONG time! Everyone was in character throughout the ENTIRE story--and I hesitate to call it a story since I NEED to call it a movie! Honestly, I could see this entire thing playing out so well... and I would be THRILLED BEYOND BELIEF if this was actually made into a film.

I'm saying this honestly, Super Scooter, so don't think I'm just raving wildly (even though I am), but you seriously need to submit this script to Disney. Quite frankly THIS is an adaption I would LOVE to see the Muppets in. I don't see WHY Disney wouldn't jump out of their seats to produce this--they're willing to bank on the success of the PotC films with nearly everything else they can--WHY not the Muppets--who NEED the success too? Seriously. Mail this to Disney.

But more on the story... Gonzo was the BEST part. I have never seen someone write Gonzo so perfectly--EVER. And he wasn't even playing himself! His line about Geofory Rush nearly made me fall out of my chair I was laughing so hard! And RIZZO! "What are we gonna do now? Push him off the playground?" That was AWESOME! And then he got to end it there at the end beautifully! Loved Jack in every moment of it too! Was very surprised to see Robin on the Black Pearl at the end, but that was awesome too!

Link and the pigs were also INCREDIBLY impressive throughout the whole story. Great stuff.

I really, really, really loved this. Like I said, the best I've read in a long while. Thank you for sharing it with us!

 

[The Count]

So... How long do we have to wait for MOTC 2, Davy Jones' Locker?

*Applauds wildly with da prawn. Thank you for sharing this wit us.

 

[Super Scooter]

So... How long do we have to wait for MOTC 2, Davy Jones' Locker?

Muppets of the Caribbean 2 would have to be very different from the original Pirates of the Caribbean sequel. Will does some stuff that I just don't believe Kermit would do. It might happen. I'm just not sure exactly how I would work that out.

I'm thrilled you guys received this so well. And, thank you, prawnie, for thinking it would make a good film. Someone I used to work with read one of my original plays, and said I was good at writing characters. I always hoped so, character driven comedy is my favorite kind. I'm glad you think I got the Muppet characters right. That always worrys me, and there are some lines that, looking back on them, I would like to fix, but that's one thing I try to focus on is character. My descriptions suck, though.

You might be interested to know my own personal favorite parts of this. Or you might not. Either way, these are them. Oddly, most of them are Jack Sparrow lines.

Jack's name for Fozzie (which was actually based on an outtake from Pirates of the Caribbean): "Fozzy-Wozzy."

Jack's response to Kermit, and then Gonzo: "That's profiling, mate."

Jack's response to Gonzo's pick up line: "Sorry, mate. I prefer redheads." (based on a personal quirk of mine... also based on the redhead from the ride)

I liked adding the Skeleton's warning that was in the ride. I just like that quote: "No fear have ye of evil curses, says you? Ahhh, properly warned ye be, says I. Who know's when that evil curse will strike the greedy beholders of this bewitched treasure. Perhaps you knows too much, Ye've seen the cursed treasure. Ya know where it be hidden. Now procede at your own risk. These be the last friendly words ye'll hear. You may not survive to pass this way again! Dead... men... tell... no... tales!"

This exchange, because I don't think Sam's blind patriotism is brought out enough anymore:

SAM
*sigh* I can't do this. Kermit, I do not understand how it is I have to play a lousy drunkard. It is filthy... naughty... and un-American.

KERMIT
Actually, Sam, it's very American. Why, even President Grant struggled with alcoholism.

SAM
... You made that up.

KERMIT
No, it's true, Sam. Ulysses S. Grant was an alcoholic.

SAM
Oh. I see. (to camera) Then I dedicate this performance to him and the other founding fathers of the United States of America.

KERMIT
Er, Sam, he wasn't one of the founding... Oh, never mind.
***

And I also really like the PIG SAILOR character. He only gets two lines, but he's based on the pig that Richard Hunt always played. Also, the Merry Man from the Robin Hood episode that Richard Hunt played who said "Uh, I believe that's patte." Basically, any Richard Hunt character that was supposed to be gruff.

PIG SAILOR
Hey, uh, didn't that Jack guy say we was supposed to go back to the ship?

LINK
Do you always take orders from pirates, sailor?

PIG SAILOR
Well, uh, no, but, it seems to me like he mighta known somethin'.

LINK
Yes, but what he knows, I do not. Therefore, we stay right here until he explains.

PIG SAILOR
(sarcastically) ... Yeah. That makes sense.
****

Anyway, that's just a bit of randomness for ya. I really like writing for Johnny and Sal, as I only just discovered from this. I'm working on a possible story for them. Maybe sometime soon.

Thanks for the support through all of this!

 

[theprawncracker]

Johnny and Sal were both totally awesome! In fact, you've inspired me to rewatch Muppets Tonight (something I'd been meaning to do for awhile).

And I agree that character driven comedy is just awesome. It's definitely my strength too--and description is TOTALLY my weakness.

I liked each of your favorite parts too! And oddly enough I pictured that PIG SAILOR with a gruff voice. Great stuff! I do hope you choose to do a sequel--but I agree, it would be hard to get Kermit into some of those situation Will was in. I'd love to see Uncle Deadly as Davy Jones though. That would be too cool.

 

[Super Scooter]

I liked each of your favorite parts too! And oddly enough I pictured that PIG SAILOR with a gruff voice. Great stuff! I do hope you choose to do a sequel--but I agree, it would be hard to get Kermit into some of those situation Will was in. I'd love to see Uncle Deadly as Davy Jones though. That would be too cool.

I was thinking of Pepe or Lew Zeland (the reason I left both of them out of this one) since Davy Jones is supposed to be part fish... but I like the idea of Uncle Deadly! I could really, really see that. I was also thinking, instead of chickens, his ship would be full of penguins. And the East Indian Trading Company, with the exception of the head guy, would be rats.

As for the head of the East Indian Trading Company, who was in number 2 and the main bad guy in number 3 (I cannot remember his name), I was thinking of having Scooter continue on as that character. That way it's sort of a "rise to power" story for Scooter. I think that'd be kind of fun.

Bootstrap Bill the Frog would be Bill the Frog from The Muppets Take Manhattan, of course.

It would also be kind of hard to adapt Link Hogthrob into what he would have to become in the second (and especially the third). I just don't see Link as a self-hating drunk. Perhaps that was poor casting on my part, but it worked for the first one.

By the way, I have got to go back and read your entire trilogy. I briefly looked at your bachelor party scene... good night! Those Sesame Street characters should not be there! Kidding, of course. Putting them there is brilliant!