Muppets of the Caribbean

[theprawncracker]

I'm sorry, but I won't be able to get back to this until tomorrow night, unfortunately. The next scene's a long one, and I'm afraid I just don't have the time to focus on it today.

Sorry!

Argh! Yer lucky we be likin' this story! If we werne't, we'd surely make ye walk the plank!

Hehe kidding Super Scoot... it's all good! Can't wait for the update!

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE FIFTEEN

INT. CAVE

The pirates of the Black Pearl have all gathered. They're going through the treasures that they've collected and kept hidden here.

SAL is carrying a large trunk on his back. JOHNNY walks behind him.

JOHNNY​

Hey, you know, this is great, Sal! This is very good. Hiding this stuff here for ten years, now we're finally gonna get to spend it all. We're gonna be rich here!​

SAL​

(struggling with the trunk) Ack! Johnny. Johnny, I could... I could use some help. Ack!​

JOHNNY​

You're doin' beautiful there, Sal. Hey, what's in this one, anyway?​

SAL screams! Unable to hold the trunk up anymore, he drops it. It pops open, and the two pull out what's inside...

JOHNNY​

Ladies clothing? Ladies clothing, Sal? !​

SAL​

Well, it was so pretty, Johnny.​

JOHNNY smacks SAL with a parasol.

JOHNNY​

Stupid monkey.​

Furious, SAL lunges at JOHNNY!

INT. PASSAGE

KERMIT and JACK row their boat through the passage that leads to the cave the pirates are in. Along the side of the narrow river lie the skeletons of pirates that never made it out of this place.

A voice echoes through this cave...

VOICE​

No fear have ye of evil curses, says you? Ahhh, properly warned ye be, says I. Who know's when that evil curse will strike the greedy beholders of this bewitched treasure. Perhaps you knows too much, Ye've seen the cursed treasure. Ya know where it be hidden. Now procede at your own risk. These be the last friendly words ye'll hear. You may not survive to pass this way again! Dead... men... tell... no... tales!​

KERMIT​

*gulp* (to JACK) Uh, are you sure this is where we want to be?​

JACK​

Ignore the voices, mate. Nothing to be afraid of.​

VOICE​

No fear have ye of evil curses, says you? Ahhh, properly warned ye...​

JACK​

Oh, shut up!​

VOICE​

... You shut up.​

KERMIT​

Oh, uh, Jack? What'd you mean by "the code" when you were talking to Fozzie before?​

JACK​

Pirate's Code. Any man that falls behind... is left behind.​

KERMIT​

... Well, that certainly is comforting. No room for heroics with pirates, eh?​

JACK​

You know, for having such a bleak outlook on pirates, you're well on your way to becoming one. Sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the Fleet, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga...​

They both look to the bottom of the river. It is all covered in gold.

JACK​

... and you're completely obsessed with treasure.​

KERMIT​

Well, I'm not completely obsessed with treasure. I mean, a gold chain might be kind of fun. Don't know if I could pull it off, but--​

JACK​

Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.​

They've arrived. There is a large rock formation right in front of them so the other pirates cannot see them. They climb up it to look over the gathering. There they see GONZO, standing on top of a mountain of treasure. The chest full of cursed treasure is right in front of him. RIZZO is on GONZO'S shoulder, and PIGGY is next to him.

GONZO​

(addressing the pirates) Ha ha! Men, at last, the moment has come!​

KERMIT​

(seeing her; concerned) Piggy.​

GONZO​

Our torment is near it's end!​

RIZZO​

I thought you liked torment?​

GONZO​

Well, for art's sake, sure.​

KERMIT starts to climb over the rock. JACK holds him back.

JACK​

Not yet! We wait for the opportune moment.​

KERMIT​

The opportune moment for Miss Piggy? Or for you?​

JACK​

May I ask you something? Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?​

KERMIT​

Yes.​

JACK​

One time thing, lad. Do us a favor? A favor for you, me and your little strumpet pig. I know it's difficult for you, but please stay here and try not to do anything stupid.​

JACK sneaks away to another part of the cave.

GONZO​

(still talking) ... Here it is! The cursed treasure of Cortés himself. Every last piece that we took has been returned! Except for... this!​

He points to the medallion around PIGGY'S neck. The pirates cheer!

GONZO​

Who among us has paid the blood sacrifice owed?​

The pirates all look at each other, confused.

RIZZO​

(raising his hand) Uh... we have?​

GONZO​

That is... correct!​

The pirates applaude.

GONZO​

And whose blood must yet be paid?
​

The pirates quiet down, once again unsure.

SAL​

... Our blood?​

ANGEL MARIE​

A goat's?​

GONZO​

The girl's!​

The pirates all realize what GONZO was getting at and cheer.

GONZO​

You know the first thing I'm going to do after the curse is lifted? Eat a whole bushel of apples! Ah, ha ha ha ha!​

SAL​

... Uh... okay, then.​

JOHNNY​

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Apples? Seriously, apples?​

SAL​

I think he likes apples, Johnny.​

JOHNNY​

Yeah, but... that's it? A bushel o' apples? You're supposed to be the bad guy! Do somethin' bad guy-like.​

SAL​

What's wrong with apples?​

JOHNNY​

Well, I look up to this guy here. I was expectin' somethin' a little meaner than apples. Pine-apples even. At least they got thorns.​

GONZO​

(shouting) Quiet!​

GONZO pulls out a knife and tears the medallion from PIGGY'S neck. He grabs her hand.

PIGGY​

Oh! Oh, how will I be save-ed?​

Meanwhile, JACK is still spying on the whole thing. KERMIT sneaks up behind him and hits him with an oar, knocking JACK unconcious.

KERMIT​

(to camera) Er, I'm not usually one for violence, but... Hey, I don't want to be used as leverage either.​

GONZO cuts PIGGY'S hand with the knife.

PIGGY​

Ow! ... Wait, that's it? You drag me all the way here for that?​

GONZO​

Of course! It's been a long time since we've had a woman on board. So, what are you doing after the ritual?​

PIGGY​

Eee-yuck!​

GONZO drops the blood-soaked medallion into the treasure chest.

There is silence in anticipation to see if it worked.

CLIFFORD​

Did it work?​

SAL​

Well, I don't feel like a chicken... did I feel like a chicken before? Hey, Johnny, did I feel like a chicken?​

JOHNNY​

How do we tell if it worked?​

GONZO draws his pistol and shoots JOHNNY. JOHNNY just stares in shock.

CLIFFORD​

Well, you ain't dead.​

SAL​

Cool trick, Johnny.​

JOHNNY​

(nervously) Heh heh. Thanks, Sal.​

JOHNNY faints.

CLIFFORD​

Man, we're still cursed!​

Furious, GONZO turns to PIGGY, grabbing the medallion to wave in her face.

GONZO​

You! Your father, what was his name? Was your father Bill the Frog?​

PIGGY​

(proudly) Ha! Of course my father wasn't Bill the Frog!​

GONZO​

(desperate; still furious) Where's his child? The child that sailed from England eight years ago, the child in whose veins flows the blood of Bill the Frog? Where?​

PIGGY​

Do you honestly think I'd ever tell--​

GONZO backhands her, and she falls down the mountain of treasure, grabbing the medallion from GONZO as she goes down.

PIGGY​

(stands) Why I oughta--!​

KERMIT sneaks up behind PIGGY, placing his hand over her mouth and pulling her away to a hidden place. RIZZO is the only one who sees this.

CLIFFORD​

(to JOHNNY and SAL) You two brought the wrong person!​

JOHNNY​

Hey, I didn't do nuttin'!​

SAL​

You tell 'im, Johnny.​

JOHNNY​

Sal's the one that said she could come along!​

SAL​

What?​

KERMIT has brought PIGGY to the boat. PIGGY, who hasn't seen KERMIT yet, swings around with a karate chop that gets him in the throat. KERMIT doubles over in pain.

PIGGY​

(realizing) *gasp!* Kermie!​

Back with the pirates...

CLIFFORD​

(to GONZO) You brought us here for nothin'!​

GONZO​

You plan to mutiny against me, fish face!​

RIZZO​

(trying to get GONZO'S attention) Uh, Gonzo...​

CLIFFORD​

Man, who you callin' "fish face," hook nose?​

RIZZO​

Gonzo!​

GONZO​

I be callin' you fish face... fish face!​

CLIFFORD​

Oh, heck no!​

CLIFFORD starts toward GONZO.

RIZZO​

(shouting) Gonzo!​

GONZO​

(frustrated) Oh, what is it, Rizzo?​

RIZZO​

Look!​

RIZZO points to where PIGGY was. GONZO turns to look and realizes that both she and the medallion are gone.

GONZO​

*gasp* (turning back to the pirates) The meda---​

CLIFFORD punches GONZO in the face.

CLIFFORD​

Don't call me fish face.​

CLIFFORD walks away. GONZO re-adjusts, then...

GONZO​

The medallion! She's taken it! After her!​

The pirates rush to the boats only to find that all the oars have gone missing.

JOHNNY​

Hey... the oars are gone!​

SAL​

Nice observation, Johnny.​

The pirates start looking around frantically for their oars.

This is when JACK stumbles in, not yet fully recovered from the blow to the head. He holds in his hand the only oar left.

CLIFFORD​

(spotting JACK) You!​

JOHNNY​

Hey. Hey, you're supposed to be dead there.​

JACK​

Am I not?​

JACK looks down at himself, shrugs, and starts to leave. They all point their pistols at him.

JACK​

Oh. Umm... Palulay? Palu-li-la-la-lulu, parlili... parsnip, pasley, parsley, par- partner, partner?​

SAL​

Oh, you mean "parley?"​

JACK​

Parley! That's the one. Parley! Parley!​

JOHNNY​

Parley? What's the matter with you, Sal? !​

SAL​

Just trying to be helpful, Johnny.​

JOHNNY​

How does everybody know this word? Who would come up with such a lousy thing?​

JACK​

That would be the French.​

End scene.

 

[theprawncracker]

HAHAHA! Oh my gosh! The hilarity keeps coming! LOVE it Super Scoot! The fish face exchange between Clifford and Gonzo was just awesome! But my favorite line was...

GONZO​

Our torment is near it's end!
​

RIZZO​

I thought you liked torment?
​

GONZO​

Well, for art's sake, sure.
​

That really just had me in hysterics. GREAT stuff, as always! Can't wait for more! ​

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE SIXTEEN

ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

KERMIT and PIGGY board. All the crew gather around.

PIGGY​

Oh, no. More pirates.​

FOZZIE​

(jumps) Ah! Where? ... Oh. Us. Ha ha! Uh, welcome aboard anyway, Miss Piggy.​

PIGGY​

Mr. Fozzie? I thought you went missing after th---​

FOZZIE​

(interrupting) Uh, no, no. That is, uh, I don't think you know me. We never met before this moment... ever. Maybe. *ahem* Uh, Kermit, where is Jack? Is he on his way?​

PIGGY​

(pleasently surprised) Jack? Jack Sparrow? Is he here? Where is he?​

KERMIT​

(slight jealousy) Uh, Piggy! (to FOZZIE) Uh, Jack... Jack fell behind.​

FOZZIE​

Oh? Oh, no!​

JANICE​

Like, what will we do now?​

FOZZIE​

(reluctantly) We keep to the code. Yes, it is what... Jack would have wanted. *sigh* (calling out) Weigh anchor!​

FOZZIE leaves to help ready the ship for their departure.

ROBIN​

Uncle Kermit? Will Jack be coming back?​

KERMIT​

(feeling guilty) Uh, maybe, Robin... Maybe.​

INT. CAVE

GONZO and the pirates surround JACK.

GONZO​

So, tell me, Jack Sparrow, if that is indeed your real name...​

RIZZO​

What is that supposed to mean?​

GONZO​

Intimidation tactic. (to JACK) It must have been some crazy stunt to get off that island! What's your secret? I gotta try it!​

JACK​

When you marooned me on that godforsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate. I'm Captain Jack Sparrow.​

GONZO​

Or so you say!​

RIZZO​

You have got to cut it out with that!​

GONZO​

In any case, it seems my crew--​

JACK​

(interrupting) My crew.​

GONZO​

MY crew has held a bit of a grudge against you. Boys, you remember Jack Sparrow... Kill him!​

A bullet goes flying past GONZO, shooting the feather out of his hat.

GONZO​

Whooo-hoo! Whoa! Not me, kill him!​

JOHNNY​

Oh, uh, sorry there, boss.​

JOHNNY and SAL chuckle to themselves.

SAL​

(whispers) Nice one, Johnny.​

They all point their weapons at JACK.

JACK​

(to GONZO) The girl's blood didn't work, did it?​

GONZO​

Hold your fire!​

The pirates reluctantly lower their weapons.

SAL​

Drat!​

GONZO​

And what would you know about it, Mr. Sparrow, if that is indeed your--?​

RIZZO​

(interrupting) I tell ya, ya say it again, I'll slug ya!​

JACK​

I know whose blood you need.​

INT. INTERCEPTOR - CABIN - NIGHT

KERMIT is bandaging PIGGY'S hand.

PIGGY​

You were late.​

KERMIT​

I apologized, Piggy. What do you want from me?​

PIGGY​

Grovel.​

KERMIT​

I will not grovel!​

PIGGY​

I could be dead right now! You didn't show up till AFTER they cut me!​

KERMIT​

*sigh* Grovel, grovel.​

PIGGY​

(sweetly) Aw, that's nice.​

KERMIT​

Well, despite everything, Miss Piggy, I missed you.​

PIGGY​

Oh, Kermie.​

KERMIT leans in to kiss PIGGY. Before he does, though, he notices the medallion around her neck.

KERMIT​

What's that?​

PIGGY​

(trying to cover) Um... What's what? Ah, ha ha!​

KERMIT​

(angry) That's my medallion, Piggy! It was a gift from my father. He sent it to me. Why did you take it?​

PIGGY​

Okay, okay. I will tell you. It's because... because I thought you were a pirate! Yes, that's it. I thought you were a pirate. Oh, Kermie, if they found it on you, that... that would have been awful.​

KERMIT​

(realizing) It... It wasn't your blood they needed... it was mine. My father was... a pirate!​

Dramatic music plays.

INT. BLACK PEARL - CAPTAIN'S CABIN - DAY

GONZO sits at his desk. A bowl of apples rests on the desk. JACK paces back and forth in front of GONZO.

GONZO​

What? ! ? You expect ME to give you MY ship, leaving me stranded on some beach with nothing but my name and your word! The beach thing sounds kinda nifty, but... WHAT? ! ?​

JACK​

Wrong. I expect you to give me my ship, leaving you stranded on some beach with absolutely no name at all. Might call your name back to you as I sail away, but I'm still debating that. Savvy?​

GONZO​

That still leaves us with one problem... this plan STINKS! You get my ship, my name, my crew--​

JACK​

(interrupting) You can keep the crew, mate. 'cept the monkey and the rat. They make me laugh.​

GONZO​

And your word?​

JACK starts digging through apples, trying to find a good one.

JACK​

Of the two of us, I am the only one who hasn't committed mutiny, therefore, my word is the one we'll be trusting. Although, I suppose I should be thanking you because, in fact, if you hadn't betrayed me and left me to die, I would have an equal share in that curse, same as you.​

JACK takes a bite out of an apple.

JACK​

Funny ol' world, innit?​

CLIFFORD enters.

CLIFFORD​

Yo, Gonz, we're comin' up on the Interceptor.​

ON THE DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL...

GONZO heads for the bow of the ship, pulling out his spy glass. JACK follows, and stands in front of GONZO at the bow, blocking the view of the Interceptor.

JACK​

I'm having a thought here, Gonzo. What say we run up a flag o' truce? I scurry over to the Interceptor, and I negotiate the return of your medallion, eh? What say you to that?​

GONZO​

Jack, Jack, Jack. Now, that is ex-ZACTLY the kind of attitude that lost you the Pearl in the first place. We're pirates, Jack! People are so much easier to search... when they are DEAD! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (to SWEETUMS) Lock him in the brig.​

SWEETUMS grabs JACK and takes him away.

End scene.

 

[Muppetfan44]

Loving it!

I loved the explanation Kermit gave after hitting Jack with the oar! I am definitely liking this version of the film better than the original! Hilarious and full of Muppet chaos; I couldn't ask for more!

Except this...

POST MORE SOON YOU SCURVY BILS RAT!

hehe

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE SEVENTEEN

INT. BLACK PEARL - BRIG

SWEETUMS locks JACK in the brig. Water covers the floor. JACK sloshes around in it a bit.

SWEETUMS starts to leave.

JACK​

(calling after him) Apparently there's a leak.​

JACK moves to a hole in the wall and watches as the Black Pearl moves quickly toward the Interceptor.

ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

The crew is running around, getting ready for an attack. PIGGY and KERMIT enter.

PIGGY​

What's going on?​

FOZZIE​

(nervously) Ehhh, the Black Pearl's gaining on us. And fast!​

FLOYD​

(calm) Yup. Seems like we might be doomed.​

ANIMAL​

Doomed! Doomed! Doo-oomed!​

ANIMAL takes a bite out of the ship.

FLOYD​

Animal! That ain't helpin' any!​

KERMIT​

Fozzie!​

FOZZIE​

Yes, sir! Anything you want, sir!​

KERMIT​

We have to make a stand!​

FOZZIE​

*groan* Except for that.​

FOZZIE pats his forehead dry with his tie.

KERMIT​

We have to fight. In order to survive, anyway. Load the guns!​

FOZZIE​

But, Kermit, we don't have anything to load into the cannons.​

KERMIT​

What? Why not?​

FOZZIE​

Well, ya see, while you and Jack were gone, there was this old gypsy lady, and she, uh--​

KERMIT​

(interrupting) We don't have time for that now, Fozzie! We have to find something we can load into the cannon. ... Load everything we have.​

FOZZIE​

Uh, by everything, you mean--​

KERMIT​

Anything. Everything! Anything we have left. I suppose it depends on how much the gypsy lady took.​

FOZZIE​

Wah, ha ha! Yes, sir! (calling out) Hey! Everybody! Listen! Load the guns! Anything you can find that isn't nailed down! ... And load the nails, too!​

FOZZIE rushes below deck where he finds ROBIN quickly loading a cannon. FOZZIE leans against the cannon.

FOZZIE​

That's a good little frog. I'll help.​

FOZZIE starts to help ROBIN load the cannon. He's fidgeting. He nervously takes a quick look around, and without realizing it, loads ROBIN into the cannon.

ROBIN​

Ack! (inside the cannon) Um, hello?​

FOZZIE, not hearing ROBIN, fires the cannon!

OUTSIDE THE SHIPS...

The shot was fired out the back. We watch as ROBIN flies out of the cannon, toward the Black Pearl.

ROBIN​

Wheee!​

The shot fired sends ROBIN right into the brig with JACK.

JACK​

(calling out) Stop blowing holes in my ship!​

He looks down to find ROBIN, laying in the water.

JACK​

Robin?​

ROBIN stands.

ROBIN​

(surprised; happy) Mr. Jack!​

JACK​

Captain. Captain Jack. ... Sparrow.​

ROBIN​

Boy, am I glad to see you, Mr. Captain Jack, sir!​

JACK​

Likewise, slippery-flippery. Now, then...​

JACK notices the cell door has been blown open.

JACK​

Shall we?​

JACK lifts ROBIN onto his shoulder, and the two run out.

ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

FOZZIE is again on deck. PIGGY has taken a position behind the helm.

PIGGY​

Now, it is moi's turn to shine! Ah, ha ha! (calling out) Lower the anchor on the right side!​

They all stare at her.

FLOYD​

Man, you are crazy, lady!​

FOZZIE​

Ahh! Jack'd be so pleased! (calling out) Lower the port anchor!​

FLOYD​

That's left!​

FOZZIE​

Who left?​

FLOYD​

(calling out) Starboard anchor!​

FOZZIE​

Oh, right! Starboard anchor, everybody! Sorry!​

The anchor is lowered, and the ship swings about... fast!

The two ships come up side by side.

Both ships immediately begin firing at each other!

FOZZIE​

(nervously) We could use another idea, Miss Piggy.​

PIGGY​

Great! How come I always have to get us out of these things?​

FLOYD​

I know. We'll give 'em Miss Bacon-breath here.​

FLOYD laughs.

PIGGY​

What? !​

KERMIT​

Floyd! They're not after Miss B- eh, Miss Piggy. They're after...​

KERMIT and PIGGY look to each other knowingly.

BOTH​

The medallion!​

PIGGY​

It's below deck.​

KERMIT​

I'll be back.​

PIGGY​

Oh, hurry, my love!​

KERMIT rushes off to get it.

INT. BLACK PEARL - BELOW DECK

JOHNNY and SAL are helping with the cannons. A shot is fired from the Interceptor right into their area! Both look around, expecting the place to be destroyed. Instead, the walls are lined with silverware from the Interceptor's cannon.

JOHNNY​

You all right, Sal?​

SAL​

(checks) I think so, Johnny.​

JOHNNY​

Okay, let's go then.​

JOHNNY exits.

SAL tries to follow him, but he is snapped back against the wall. He tries again and again, but he can't move.

SAL​

(calling out) Johnny! My tail's pinned to the ship with a fork!​

ON THE DECK OF THE BLACK PEARL...

A shot has just been fired from the Pearl that destroys the mast of the Interceptor. It slowly falls down toward the Black Pearl.

Pirates have started to board the Interceptor. GONZO yells orders to them. RIZZO is on his shoulder.

GONZO​

Blast all to carcasses, men! Forward clear to the powder magazine. And the rest of you, bring me the medallion!​

RIZZO​

You kiss your mother with that mouth?​

The mast falls toward GONZO and RIZZO, narrowly missing them.

GONZO​

That was so cool!​

RIZZO​

(frightened) I'm gonna go change!​

JACK and ROBIN emerge from the hold. They swing over to the Interceptor, where they are greeted by FOZZIE.

FOZZIE​

(happy) Jack! (curiously) Robin?​

ROBIN​

I just had the greatest trip!​

JACK​

Shot the whole bloody kitchen over there, you couldn't have sent me rum?​

PIGGY approaches. JACK looks her up and down.

JACK​

Where's the medallion?​

PIGGY tries to slap JACK, but JACK catches her wrist. He notices the bandage around her hand.

JACK​

Ahh, where's dear Kermit?​

BELOW DECK...

KERMIT is trapped! The water slowly rises.

KERMIT​

(calmly; to camera) I wonder if they notice I'm missing. (shouts) Help!​

ON THE DECK...

JACK looks and sees RIZZO is standing behind him, holding the medallion.

RIZZO​

Looking for this?​

JACK​

Rats!​

JACK chases RIZZO across the mast, but he's too late. RIZZO has handed the medallion to GONZO.

GONZO​

Why, thank you, Jack.​

JACK​

You're welcome.​

GONZO​

Not you. We named the rat... Jack!​

RIZZO​

Actually, it's Rizzo. But, hey, you gotta humor him.​

GONZO​

(calling out) Bring the prisoners on board!​

ON THE INTERCEPTOR...

The pirates light a trail of gunpowder that leads to a collection of powder kegs... but KERMIT is still trapped below deck!

End scene.

 

[TogetherAgain]

SLIPPERY-FLIPPERY! I am quite pleased. And Jack complaining about the rum. And Rizzo's little name correction. And Sal's tail getting stuck. And Kermit being so calm about wondering if anyone's noticed that he's missing.

MORE PLEASE!

 

[theprawncracker]

HAHAHAHAHA! ! ! Oh my GOSH! This is just one hilarious joke after another! Slippery-flippery! The fact that ROBIN was fired out of a CANNON! HAHA! I LOVED that! Robin with Jack is just awesome too. I really enjoyed Miss Piggy taking the helm--very funny. And Fozzie putting a nervous spin on Mr. Gibbs is wonderful! But the best part has to go to Gonzo and Rizzo's exchange...

GONZO​

Why, thank you, Jack.​

JACK​

You're welcome.​

GONZO​

Not you. We named the rat... Jack!​

RIZZO​

Actually, it's Rizzo. But, hey, you gotta humor him.​

Just WONDERFUL! More PLEASE! ​

 

[Super Scooter]

SCENE EIGHTEEN

ON THE BLACK PEARL...

The Pearl is slowly sailing away from the doomed Interceptor. All of JACK'S crew, with the exception of KERMIT and BEAKER, have been tied to the mast. JACK himself is simply held back by SWEETUMS. JOHNNY and SAL are guarding them.

JOHNNY​

Go ahead and tell 'em what I said, Sal.​

SAL​

Okay, Johnny. *ahem!* (shouting) Listen up, you mooks! Johnny Fiama says dat what you gotta do is not say any o' that "parley" stuff! Otherwise, what we're gonna do is fit you for a pair o' concrete golashes--​

JOHNNY​

(correcting him) Cement shoes, Sal.​

SAL​

Eh, cement shoes, and then toss ya into the briny blue! (to JOHNNY; speaking) Say, that rhymed, Johnny.​

JOHNNY​

It was beautiful, Sal.​

JOHNNY and SAL walk away.

BUNSEN​

Goodness! Has anyone seen Beaker?​

Desperate to do whatever she can to save KERMIT, PIGGY breaks free from her ropes, and charges toward the edge of the ship. She's too late. The Interceptor explodes! BEAKER is sent flying from the explosion, landing "safely," and in flames, on the Black Pearl.

BUNSEN​

Oh, there you are, Beakie!​

BEAKER hops up and down, trying to put out the flames. A large wave comes over the side of the ship, putting the fire out. Our now singed BEAKER passes out.

Furious that KERMIT is now gone, PIGGY attacks GONZO, hitting him several times over.

PIGGY​

How dare you hurt my frog!​

GONZO​

Ow! Hey, cut it out! Ooof!​

SWEETUMS grabs PIGGY and pulls her off of GONZO.

GONZO​

(to PIGGY) Never on a first date, my dear.​

KERMIT​

(o.s.) Unhand her!​

They all look to see KERMIT leap onto the deck of the ship.

PIGGY​

Oh, Kermie!​

DR. TEETH​

Hey! It's Kermit!​

FLOYD​

Our flippered friend has returned!​

DR. TEETH​

This calls for a celebratory musical interlude!​

DR. TEETH plays a few notes on a keyboard that he has somehow acquired (don't ask me how!).

DR. TEETH
(sung)​

I know a tropical island
Where the mango moon and banana sun shine.
And on this tropical island,
There lives a cousin of mine!

Sometimes he lives in the water,
Sometimes he lives on the land,
Sometimes he likes to go sun himself
On soft Caribbean sand! Oh, yeah!​

KERMIT joins him.

KERMIT AND DR. TEETH​

He's a Caribbean Amphibian!
He likes to hop in the tropical sea.
Caribbean Amphibian!
A frog in a coconut tree!
​

KERMIT​

(shouting) Everybody!​

Everyone on board, with the exception of GONZO and JACK, join in. JACK just shakes his head.

ALL​

He's a Caribbean Amphibian!
He likes to hop in the tropical sea.
Caribbean Amphibian!
A frog in a coconut tree!
A frog in the coconut--!​

GONZO​

(interrupting) Hold it! Stop! Stop everything! This is ridiculous! Who are you?​

KERMIT pulls out JACK'S pistol and points it at GONZO.

KERMIT​

Gonzo!​

GONZO​

I'm Gonzo!​

KERMIT​

No, I was... just trying to get your attention... Ya know, with the pistol and everything.​

GONZO​

Oh.​

KERMIT​

Miss Piggy goes free!​

GONZO​

Oh, she does, does she? And how exactly is that going to happen?​

KERMIT​

I... I have the pistol.​

GONZO​

Ah-ha! But, you forget, you only get one shot, and we can't... DIE! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!​

JACK​

(to KERMIT) Don't do anything stupid!​

KERMIT leaps onto the ledge, and points the pistol at himself, positioning so that he will fall into the sea once his shot has been fired.

KERMIT​

You might not be able to die, but I... *gulp* but-but-but I can!​

JACK​

That would be doing something stupid, mate. Do you see the difference now?​

GONZO​

(curiously; to KERMIT) What would your death matter to us? Who are you?​

JACK​

(stepping in front of GONZO) No one! He's no one. A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice, though. Eunuch.​

KERMIT​

(nobly) My name is Kermit the Frog. My father was Bootstrap Bill the Frog.​

SAL​

Hey, he looks just like Bootstrap Bill!​

JOHNNY​

Hey, he does! That is spooky.​

KERMIT​

You'll do as I say, Gonzo, or Bootstrap Bill's blood will be lost forever.​

JACK looks down at ROBIN, but says nothing.

GONZO​

... Name your terms!​

KERMIT​

Piggy goes free!​

GONZO​

Yeah, yeah, we heard that one! What are your other terms?​

JACK starts pointing at himself.

KERMIT​

Uh, and the crew! You can't hurt the crew.​

GONZO thinks about it a moment, then...

GONZO​

Agreed.​

LATER...

The Black Pearl is near a small island. The pirates are making MISS PIGGY walk the plank!

PIGGY​

(to camera) Well, this is another fine mess they've gotten me into.​

KERMIT is being held back by CLIFFORD.

KERMIT​

Gonzo! You lied! You said she'd go free!​

GONZO​

How dare you? ! You suggest that I would go back on my word? Aye, I agreed she'd go free, and she is! However, YOU weren't specific in stating when or where! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha!​

KERMIT​

Piggy! I'll be back to rescue you!​

PIGGY​

I won't hold my breath.​

JACK is being held by SWEETUMS.

JACK​

(to SWEETUMS) I always liked you.​

SWEETUMS growls at him.

PIGGY​

(over-acting) Oh! Oh, this is the end! How could my story end here? So soon before the credits? Oh, how will I ever be sa--​

GONZO​

Enough!​

GONZO pushes her over.

PIGGY​

Aaaaahhh!​

KERMIT​

Piggy!​

JACK is dragged up to the plank.

JACK​

(to GONZO) I'd really rather hoped we were past all this.​

GONZO​

Jack, Jack, Jack. I'm the bad guy! I could hold a grudge for at least two more sequels. By the way, did ya happen to notice? That be the same little island that we made you Governor of on our last little trip.​

GONZO points out to the distant island.

JACK​

I did notice.​

GONZO​

Maybe you'll be able to perform another one of your miraculous escapes. And maybe we'll see you again at the Isla de Muerta just in time to rescue your friend, the frog.​

JACK​

Maybe?​

GONZO​

But I very much doubt it!​

GONZO unsheathes his sword and brandishes it at JACK'S throat.

GONZO​

Goodbye, Jack!​

JACK​

Wait! Last time you left me a pistol with one shot.​

GONZO​

Why, of course! You're right! How silly of me! (calling out) Where's Jack's pistol?​

SWEETUMS hands GONZO JACK'S pistol.

JACK​

Seeing as there's two of us, a gentleman would give us a pair of pistols.​

GONZO​

How unfortunate for you I'm not a gentleman, then!​

GONZO laughs maniacally as he tosses the pistol into the sea. JACK dives in after it.

GONZO continues to laugh.

RIZZO​

You ever get tired o' that?​

GONZO​

Well, my throat does get kinda hoarse at times.​

End scene.

 

[theprawncracker]

HAHAHAHAHA! ! ! ! The last lines! ! PERFECTION! And the musical interlude--HILARIOUS! Wowowow! ! ! I just loved this all! Beaker was great, the Mayhem was awesome, Sweetums, Jack, Miss Piggy, Kermit! HAHAHA! Oh but THIS!

Jack, Jack, Jack. I'm the bad guy! I could hold a grudge for at least two more sequels.

HAHAHAHAHA! PERFECT! ! ! I just LOVE this so much! More please!