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theprawncracker
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Chapter 35
Everyone was silent as Kermit smiled at them from the stage. “Well I guess I’m the last one to speak tonight,” he said. “And really I just want to say… well… I just want to thank everyone for everything.
“Thanks to my mom and dad, who were there for me since birth and who are still here for me. I love you both so much and I really couldn’t have done any of this without the both of you. You’re my biggest inspiration; you’re the ones who made me a star. Thank you for keeping me so humble. And Mom, thanks for making cricket-loaf whenever we wanted music with dinner.”
Kermit shifted his weight slightly. “Thanks also to all of my brothers and sisters. Thanks Eddy, for always watching out for the little things, thanks Elizabeth for always having something great to say about whatever I did, thanks Brian for always making me laugh, Lisa for completing my—”
“Sentences!” a female frog shouted from the crowd.
“—yeah, that. Matt for watching a movie with me whenever I came home, Leela for her constant support and hugs, Cole for your youthful enthusiasm, Ariel for your praise, David for your inspiring art, Allie for your wild side, Claude for your really wild side, Kaitlin for never failing to make me laugh, and all of you. My brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins—thank you.”
Kermit turned around. “And thank you Maggie,” he said to his sister. “For never letting me quit.”
Maggie held back a tear, that was all her brother needed to say to her for the rest of his life and she’d be perfectly content.
“You cryin’ Maggie?” Croaker asked.
Maggie sniffed. “Yeah,” she said. “Crying because I feel so bad for Miss Piggy—having to live with that brother of mine till death do they part!”
Croaker smirked. “Yeah, I believe that…”
Maggie gave Croaker a good, hard, playful shove.
“And you Croaker,” Kermit said, turning his attention to the blue frog.
“Me Kerm?” Croaker asked nervously.
Kermit looked out into the theater. “And Goggles, and Blotch, and Horace out there in the crowd… Ya know, you never forget your first real friends… and I’ve never forgotten you guys—and I never will. Thank you.”
“And somewhere out there in the crowd is one of the things that contributes to my everyday happiness,” Kermit said. “Robin. My nephew. There’s not a day that I don’t think about how much I love you Robin, and thank the stars that you’re related to me—and that you don’t get stepped on. Thank you for keeping me happy Robin, I love you.”
The groom stared into the crowd. “Thanks to everyone from Sesame Street, Big Bird, Elmo, Cookie Monster, Ernie, Bert, Hoots, Zoe, Rosita, Bob, The Count, Telly, Gordon, Susan, Herry, Baby Bear, Prairie Dawn, Maria, Luis, Oscar—”
“Me?” the Grouch asked, annoyed with his name being mentioned.
“Yes, even you Oscar, for showing me it’s okay to be grouchy. Snuffy, Guy Smiley, Gladys, Biff, Sully—all of you for never letting me forget my first home, or my second home, or my friends, or my childhood. I love you guys.”
It seemed the entire Street responded when part of the crowd shouted, “Thank you Kermit!”
Kermit laughed and grinned. He turned his attention, again, to the table behind him. “And Grover. How could I forget my furry blue pal? The one who’s helped me through so much, who’s given me teeth, ears, and a nose, the one who has a permanent handprint on my back… and most importantly one of my very best friends. I love you Grover, thank you for all of your help, all the time.”
“Aww,” Grover said, blushing behind his blue fur. “Thank you froggy baby. I love you too!”
“And then… the others—my roommates, my dance partners, my duets, trios, quartets, my acts, my employees, my livestock, my best friends, and my family,” Kermit said happily. “Animal, Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Sam, Marvin, Lew, Statler, Waldorf, Zoot, Camilla, Johnny, Sal, Clifford, Janice, Sweetums, Beau, Rizzo, Pepe, Beaker, Bunsen, Chef, Scooter, Uncle Deadly, Crazy Harry, Link, Dr. Strangepork, Bobo, Yorrick, Sam (not the Eagle), Mildred, Hilda, Pops, Wayne, Wanda, Nigel, Nigel, Skeeter, Annie Sue, Butch, Clyde…
“Really just anyone and everyone who’s been a part of our show or lived in our house—I’m not thanking you, I’m apologizing to you. I’m kidding of course! Thank you all, so much, for helping me to sing, and dance, and make people happy—and giving my bladder a high tolerance from waiting in line so long for the bathroom.”
“Yeah, you’re welcome Kermit,” Rizzo said. “Just don’t forget next week’s pay-day!”
“That’s right green stuff,” Floyd added. “Just ‘cause you’re gone doesn’t mean our paychecks should be too!”
“Si, si, jou may be sentimental, but Pepe would much rather be dollarmental, hokay!” Pepe added.
“Gotta keep my green-back collection goin’,” Dr. Teeth chimed in with a shimmering grin.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I knew I could count on you guys to stop me before I got too sappy.” Kermit turned around again. “Rowlf the Dog is my oldest show-biz friend here tonight, and he’s one of my best friends. Some say dogs are man’s best friend, and well, they’re pretty good to frogs too. Rowlf is always there for me when I need a song, a pun, or a comical veterinary examination.
“He taught me about women, he assured me that he has never harmed an onion, and we’ve shared more than you can imagine. Rowlf is why the Muppets—well, most of the Muppets—are humble with our legendary status. Rowlf showed us that that’s the only way to be. So thank you Rowlf, for getting us our start, sticking with us, and for always being my friend.”
Rowlf smiled and waved a hand at Kermit to say, “Go on with ya.” He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “And thank you Kermit, for never makin’ me sleep in the doghouse and never keepin’ me on a short leash.”
“What can I say about this next… well, what can I say about him? I can’t even say he’s a person! I can’t say he’s not—but no one’s sure!” Kermit said. “I’m speaking of course, of Gonzo the Great. What I can say for sure, however, is that Gonzo is a performance artiste, fine poultry admirer, purveyor of all things weird and wild, very, very good friend.
“He keeps me on my toes, and sometimes knocks me right off them. While Gonzo may be weird and outrageous nearly all of the time, I know him from a calm and caring stand-point too,” Kermit said. “Gonzo is… he’s Gonzo. He loves everyone here just as much as anyone else, and we all love him too. He’s the best weirdo we’ve got—and with us, that’s saying something! Thanks Gonzo.”
Gonzo bowed his head shyly and pulled Camilla closer to him, she snuggled into his neck. “I’ll say it again Kermit,” the weirdo said. “You’re the best friend anyone could ever have.”
“I beg to differ, actually Gonzo,” Kermit said. “Fozzie Bear is the best friend anyone could ever have.”
“Oh Ker-mit don’t do this,” Fozzie said shyly, pulling off his hat and burying his face in it.
“I have to Fozzie,” Kermit said. “I want to thank everyone, and you’re the one I want to thank the most. You’re my best friend Fozzie Bear, and I’m proud to be able to say that—giddy even. Everyone should be jealous of me, not because I’m a celebrity, or I’m married to the most beautiful pig in the world, but because I have the best friend anyone could ask for.
“My best friend makes me laugh, he gives the best bear hugs around, he gives me advice, he gives me headaches, he gives me ice cream, he gives me hope, he reminds me who I am, he never let’s me give up, and he never, ever let’s me cry without being there at my side.”
Kermit stopped his speech and tried to control himself. He sniffed loudly, and couldn’t help it when the first tear ran down his cheek. “And he’s right here at my side now at my wedding as my best man. And he’s the best man—or bear, or comedian—anyone could ask for. Fozzie is what we’re all about, and he reminds us all of that everyday.” Another tear slipped down. “I love you Fozzie Bear. Thank you.”
“Before we get to the grand finale,” Kermit said, regaining composure. “There are a few other people who need to be thanked for everything they’ve done… Frank, Jerry, Jerry, Richard, Dave, Don, Kevin, Bill, Karen, Michael, Kathy, Fran, Martin, David, Eric, Ricky, Brian, Cheryl, Lisa, John, Heather, Jane—I owe all of you more than you can ever imagine. You’re why we’re here, and you’re why we’ll stay here.”
“And… thank you Jim.” Kermit said softly. “Thank you so much.”
Kermit looked down at the floor—past the floor. “Thank you too Steve,” he said with a smirk.
“Well… there’s only one more person left now,” Kermit said. “I don’t… I can’t really… all I can say, Miss Piggy, is that I’ll really be thanking you later.”
“Hubba-hubba!” Rowlf called.
“Oh d’at is just sick,” Rizzo said.
“Si, did we really need to hear d’is, hokay?” Pepe asked.
“I don’t get it,” Fozzie whispered to Grover.
“Neither do I,” Grover said with a shrug.
“I love you Miss Piggy,” Kermit said. “Really I do.”
Kermit looked out into the audience one last time. “Well… I did it. I got married,” he said. “And I found it.”
Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Clifford, the Electric Mayhem, Robin, Mom and Dad the Frog, Maggie, Croaker, Scooter, Skeeter, Big Bird, Grover, Cookie Monster, Ernie, Bert, Rizzo, Pepe, Sam Eagle, The Count, Elmo, Camilla, Oscar (reluctantly), and everyone else who would fit onstage stood behind Kermit.
Kermit didn’t have to turn around to know they were there.
“Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows,” Kermit sang proudly.
Fozzie wrapped his arm around Kermit’s shoulder. “That’s part of what rainbows do,” he sang.
Gonzo slipped up next to Fozzie. “Rainbows are memories,” he sang.
Miss Piggy grabbed Kermit’s hand and smiled down at him as she sang, “Sweet dream reminders, what is it you’d like to do?”
“All of us watching and wishing we’d find it.”
“I’ve noticed you’re watching too,” Kermit said to Miss Piggy.
“Today they’ve found it,
The Rainbow Connection,” everyone but Kermit and Piggy sang.
“Thanks to the lovers,
The dreamers,
And you.”
Bunsen flipped a switch on the Muppet Labs Super Suction Machine, setting Waldo free. He burst out and twirled into the sky, exploding into a flash of blue and red fireworks. But worry not; he reappeared as himself, and in one piece. “Huh,” the spirit of 3D said, looking himself over. “Well that could’ve gone worse!”
“Thank you everybody!” Kermit shouted as everyone clapped and cheered. “We’ll see you… well, we’ll see you after the honeymoon! Yaaaay!” Kermit waved his arms around like he always did at the end of a successful day—and this day certainly was a success.
“When will that be?” Gonzo asked.
Kermit looked at Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy looked at Kermit. They shrugged, and dove off the stage and ran for the door, hand in hand, without another word. They did, however, stop at the door to kiss one last time, before heading to the limo, and driving away towards the airport.
The Muppets all stared at each other awkwardly.
Gonzo broke the silence with the sound of feathered fingers scratching a feathered head.
“What does that mean?” Gonzo asked.
THE END
Everyone was silent as Kermit smiled at them from the stage. “Well I guess I’m the last one to speak tonight,” he said. “And really I just want to say… well… I just want to thank everyone for everything.
“Thanks to my mom and dad, who were there for me since birth and who are still here for me. I love you both so much and I really couldn’t have done any of this without the both of you. You’re my biggest inspiration; you’re the ones who made me a star. Thank you for keeping me so humble. And Mom, thanks for making cricket-loaf whenever we wanted music with dinner.”
Kermit shifted his weight slightly. “Thanks also to all of my brothers and sisters. Thanks Eddy, for always watching out for the little things, thanks Elizabeth for always having something great to say about whatever I did, thanks Brian for always making me laugh, Lisa for completing my—”
“Sentences!” a female frog shouted from the crowd.
“—yeah, that. Matt for watching a movie with me whenever I came home, Leela for her constant support and hugs, Cole for your youthful enthusiasm, Ariel for your praise, David for your inspiring art, Allie for your wild side, Claude for your really wild side, Kaitlin for never failing to make me laugh, and all of you. My brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins—thank you.”
Kermit turned around. “And thank you Maggie,” he said to his sister. “For never letting me quit.”
Maggie held back a tear, that was all her brother needed to say to her for the rest of his life and she’d be perfectly content.
“You cryin’ Maggie?” Croaker asked.
Maggie sniffed. “Yeah,” she said. “Crying because I feel so bad for Miss Piggy—having to live with that brother of mine till death do they part!”
Croaker smirked. “Yeah, I believe that…”
Maggie gave Croaker a good, hard, playful shove.
“And you Croaker,” Kermit said, turning his attention to the blue frog.
“Me Kerm?” Croaker asked nervously.
Kermit looked out into the theater. “And Goggles, and Blotch, and Horace out there in the crowd… Ya know, you never forget your first real friends… and I’ve never forgotten you guys—and I never will. Thank you.”
“And somewhere out there in the crowd is one of the things that contributes to my everyday happiness,” Kermit said. “Robin. My nephew. There’s not a day that I don’t think about how much I love you Robin, and thank the stars that you’re related to me—and that you don’t get stepped on. Thank you for keeping me happy Robin, I love you.”
The groom stared into the crowd. “Thanks to everyone from Sesame Street, Big Bird, Elmo, Cookie Monster, Ernie, Bert, Hoots, Zoe, Rosita, Bob, The Count, Telly, Gordon, Susan, Herry, Baby Bear, Prairie Dawn, Maria, Luis, Oscar—”
“Me?” the Grouch asked, annoyed with his name being mentioned.
“Yes, even you Oscar, for showing me it’s okay to be grouchy. Snuffy, Guy Smiley, Gladys, Biff, Sully—all of you for never letting me forget my first home, or my second home, or my friends, or my childhood. I love you guys.”
It seemed the entire Street responded when part of the crowd shouted, “Thank you Kermit!”
Kermit laughed and grinned. He turned his attention, again, to the table behind him. “And Grover. How could I forget my furry blue pal? The one who’s helped me through so much, who’s given me teeth, ears, and a nose, the one who has a permanent handprint on my back… and most importantly one of my very best friends. I love you Grover, thank you for all of your help, all the time.”
“Aww,” Grover said, blushing behind his blue fur. “Thank you froggy baby. I love you too!”
“And then… the others—my roommates, my dance partners, my duets, trios, quartets, my acts, my employees, my livestock, my best friends, and my family,” Kermit said happily. “Animal, Dr. Teeth, Floyd, Sam, Marvin, Lew, Statler, Waldorf, Zoot, Camilla, Johnny, Sal, Clifford, Janice, Sweetums, Beau, Rizzo, Pepe, Beaker, Bunsen, Chef, Scooter, Uncle Deadly, Crazy Harry, Link, Dr. Strangepork, Bobo, Yorrick, Sam (not the Eagle), Mildred, Hilda, Pops, Wayne, Wanda, Nigel, Nigel, Skeeter, Annie Sue, Butch, Clyde…
“Really just anyone and everyone who’s been a part of our show or lived in our house—I’m not thanking you, I’m apologizing to you. I’m kidding of course! Thank you all, so much, for helping me to sing, and dance, and make people happy—and giving my bladder a high tolerance from waiting in line so long for the bathroom.”
“Yeah, you’re welcome Kermit,” Rizzo said. “Just don’t forget next week’s pay-day!”
“That’s right green stuff,” Floyd added. “Just ‘cause you’re gone doesn’t mean our paychecks should be too!”
“Si, si, jou may be sentimental, but Pepe would much rather be dollarmental, hokay!” Pepe added.
“Gotta keep my green-back collection goin’,” Dr. Teeth chimed in with a shimmering grin.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “I knew I could count on you guys to stop me before I got too sappy.” Kermit turned around again. “Rowlf the Dog is my oldest show-biz friend here tonight, and he’s one of my best friends. Some say dogs are man’s best friend, and well, they’re pretty good to frogs too. Rowlf is always there for me when I need a song, a pun, or a comical veterinary examination.
“He taught me about women, he assured me that he has never harmed an onion, and we’ve shared more than you can imagine. Rowlf is why the Muppets—well, most of the Muppets—are humble with our legendary status. Rowlf showed us that that’s the only way to be. So thank you Rowlf, for getting us our start, sticking with us, and for always being my friend.”
Rowlf smiled and waved a hand at Kermit to say, “Go on with ya.” He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “And thank you Kermit, for never makin’ me sleep in the doghouse and never keepin’ me on a short leash.”
“What can I say about this next… well, what can I say about him? I can’t even say he’s a person! I can’t say he’s not—but no one’s sure!” Kermit said. “I’m speaking of course, of Gonzo the Great. What I can say for sure, however, is that Gonzo is a performance artiste, fine poultry admirer, purveyor of all things weird and wild, very, very good friend.
“He keeps me on my toes, and sometimes knocks me right off them. While Gonzo may be weird and outrageous nearly all of the time, I know him from a calm and caring stand-point too,” Kermit said. “Gonzo is… he’s Gonzo. He loves everyone here just as much as anyone else, and we all love him too. He’s the best weirdo we’ve got—and with us, that’s saying something! Thanks Gonzo.”
Gonzo bowed his head shyly and pulled Camilla closer to him, she snuggled into his neck. “I’ll say it again Kermit,” the weirdo said. “You’re the best friend anyone could ever have.”
“I beg to differ, actually Gonzo,” Kermit said. “Fozzie Bear is the best friend anyone could ever have.”
“Oh Ker-mit don’t do this,” Fozzie said shyly, pulling off his hat and burying his face in it.
“I have to Fozzie,” Kermit said. “I want to thank everyone, and you’re the one I want to thank the most. You’re my best friend Fozzie Bear, and I’m proud to be able to say that—giddy even. Everyone should be jealous of me, not because I’m a celebrity, or I’m married to the most beautiful pig in the world, but because I have the best friend anyone could ask for.
“My best friend makes me laugh, he gives the best bear hugs around, he gives me advice, he gives me headaches, he gives me ice cream, he gives me hope, he reminds me who I am, he never let’s me give up, and he never, ever let’s me cry without being there at my side.”
Kermit stopped his speech and tried to control himself. He sniffed loudly, and couldn’t help it when the first tear ran down his cheek. “And he’s right here at my side now at my wedding as my best man. And he’s the best man—or bear, or comedian—anyone could ask for. Fozzie is what we’re all about, and he reminds us all of that everyday.” Another tear slipped down. “I love you Fozzie Bear. Thank you.”
“Before we get to the grand finale,” Kermit said, regaining composure. “There are a few other people who need to be thanked for everything they’ve done… Frank, Jerry, Jerry, Richard, Dave, Don, Kevin, Bill, Karen, Michael, Kathy, Fran, Martin, David, Eric, Ricky, Brian, Cheryl, Lisa, John, Heather, Jane—I owe all of you more than you can ever imagine. You’re why we’re here, and you’re why we’ll stay here.”
“And… thank you Jim.” Kermit said softly. “Thank you so much.”
Kermit looked down at the floor—past the floor. “Thank you too Steve,” he said with a smirk.
“Well… there’s only one more person left now,” Kermit said. “I don’t… I can’t really… all I can say, Miss Piggy, is that I’ll really be thanking you later.”
“Hubba-hubba!” Rowlf called.
“Oh d’at is just sick,” Rizzo said.
“Si, did we really need to hear d’is, hokay?” Pepe asked.
“I don’t get it,” Fozzie whispered to Grover.
“Neither do I,” Grover said with a shrug.
“I love you Miss Piggy,” Kermit said. “Really I do.”
Kermit looked out into the audience one last time. “Well… I did it. I got married,” he said. “And I found it.”
Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Clifford, the Electric Mayhem, Robin, Mom and Dad the Frog, Maggie, Croaker, Scooter, Skeeter, Big Bird, Grover, Cookie Monster, Ernie, Bert, Rizzo, Pepe, Sam Eagle, The Count, Elmo, Camilla, Oscar (reluctantly), and everyone else who would fit onstage stood behind Kermit.
Kermit didn’t have to turn around to know they were there.
“Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows,” Kermit sang proudly.
Fozzie wrapped his arm around Kermit’s shoulder. “That’s part of what rainbows do,” he sang.
Gonzo slipped up next to Fozzie. “Rainbows are memories,” he sang.
Miss Piggy grabbed Kermit’s hand and smiled down at him as she sang, “Sweet dream reminders, what is it you’d like to do?”
“All of us watching and wishing we’d find it.”
“I’ve noticed you’re watching too,” Kermit said to Miss Piggy.
“Today they’ve found it,
The Rainbow Connection,” everyone but Kermit and Piggy sang.
“Thanks to the lovers,
The dreamers,
And you.”
Bunsen flipped a switch on the Muppet Labs Super Suction Machine, setting Waldo free. He burst out and twirled into the sky, exploding into a flash of blue and red fireworks. But worry not; he reappeared as himself, and in one piece. “Huh,” the spirit of 3D said, looking himself over. “Well that could’ve gone worse!”
“Thank you everybody!” Kermit shouted as everyone clapped and cheered. “We’ll see you… well, we’ll see you after the honeymoon! Yaaaay!” Kermit waved his arms around like he always did at the end of a successful day—and this day certainly was a success.
“When will that be?” Gonzo asked.
Kermit looked at Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy looked at Kermit. They shrugged, and dove off the stage and ran for the door, hand in hand, without another word. They did, however, stop at the door to kiss one last time, before heading to the limo, and driving away towards the airport.
The Muppets all stared at each other awkwardly.
Gonzo broke the silence with the sound of feathered fingers scratching a feathered head.
“What does that mean?” Gonzo asked.
THE END
Thanks a lot, really!
You really, really do! Ever since that first time we mimicked Vet's Hospital!