Chapter 29
“You look great Kermit.”
Kermit stared at the mirror in front of him.
“…Kermit?”
Kermit gulped quietly and pulled nervously at his tuxedo’s white bow tie.
“Hello?”
Kermit sighed. “Why’d I wait this long Fozzie?” asked the groom to his best man.
“You had the meeting about the movie, remember?” Fozzie said.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “That’s not exactly what I meant.”
“Oh.” Fozzie shrugged. “Maybe you were just waiting until the time was right.”
“But… why wasn’t the time right before?” Kermit asked.
“Well it was,” Fozzie said. “You’ve already married her once, ya know.”
“But that was just a movie…” Kermit said quietly. “At least… that’s what I wanted to believe. That’s what Miss Piggy let me believe.”
Fozzie watched his best friend silently as he moved from the mirror to the foot of his bed to sit down.
“It was a real wedding, Fozzie. But… she didn’t force me to marry her,” Kermit said. “She wouldn’t force me to marry her. That’s not how she wanted it. She wanted… she wanted me to want it too.” Kermit looked down at his feet. “That’s… that’s why we aren’t married.”
“But… now you do want it… right?” Fozzie asked cautiously.
Kermit went from staring at his feet to looking Fozzie in the eyes. “More than anything,” he said. “I love her, Fozzie. And I want to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Fozzie decided it was okay now to go sit next to Kermit, so he did. “Honestly Kermit, you probably would spend the rest of your life with her even if you didn’t marry her.”
Kermit smiled at Fozzie. “Well I figured we should at least make it official,” Kermit said.
The bear glanced back at Kermit’s digital clock on his nightstand. “Well what’re we waiting for?” Fozzie asked.
“Nothing,” Kermit said, standing up from the bed. “Not anymore.”
“Good,” Fozzie said, “but everyone’s still waiting for you.”
~-~-~-~-~
The three minutes Miss Piggy had given Kermit to get to the wedding had passed—and she had yet to go on the honeymoon by herself.
“It’s over!” Miss Piggy sobbed. She was sitting on the steps leading up to the altar, her hands covering her dripping eyes. “He’s eloped with—with some hussy!” she shouted.
“But the frog can’t elope!” Waldorf said to Statler.
“But oh, honey do!” Statler said.
“Yes?” Dr. Bunsen asked, upon hearing, what he thought, was his name within the awful pun.
Miss Piggy wailed loudly—and dramatically (sure her heart was broken, but hey, there were directors in the audience!). “Woe is moi!” she shouted. “My frog has left me standing at the altar!”
“Do you think perhaps froggy baby got cold feet?” Grover asked Miss Piggy.
“He’s a frog!” she shouted at the monster. “He’s supposed to have cold feet!”
“Oh,” Grover said quietly. “Perhaps he should try some socks?”
“Kermit hated socks!” Miss Piggy shouted, letting out another long sob.
“I’ve got some exploding socks if you need another distraction, Miss Piggy!” Gonzo told the pig.
Piggy shot a death glare at the weirdo. “You are no help at all,” she said.
Gonzo looked saddened. He sighed and then went to sit down next to Miss Piggy. She opened her mouth to shout at him, but he stopped her. “I know you don’t like me,” he said. Piggy’s face softened as she suddenly felt like a real heel (not one of those fake heels that break so easily). “But… well, I like you. You’re my friend and… well I hate to see you sad like this.”
Miss Piggy sighed. “Thanks Gonz—”
“So whadaya say we get married?” Gonzo asked suddenly.
“BRAWK!”
“WHAT?”
“Well… I mean… we did have that thing in the seventies…”
“HI-YA!”
Gonzo pulled himself out from the vase of flowers Miss Piggy knocked him into. “Ha ha! Save it for the honeymoon sugar-lips!” he told the pig.
Miss Piggy stood up to go over and kill Gonzo, but Camilla darted in front of her. “Brawk! Bagawk brawk byuck baw!” the chicken shouted. “Brawk bawk!” she told Piggy.
The bride shrugged. “Yeah, you can deal with him,” she told her bridesmaid.
“Wha!” Gonzo shouted as Camilla commenced pecking his brains out. “I was just trying to help!”
Miss Piggy plopped back down on the altar. She sighed heavily and angrily. She suddenly felt a paw on her back and noticed someone sitting next to her. “He’ll be here,” Rowlf told her.
“I know,” she said. “It’s just annoying.”
Rowlf stared. “Not exactly the response I was expecting,” he said. “But I’ll take it.”
“Good,” Miss Piggy said. “’Cause you’re not getting another one.”
“Now that,” Rowlf said, “is a response I expected.”
Suddenly (finally) the backdoor opened. All heads and eyes turned to watch the door.
They were, needless to say, rather disappointed when Fozzie came out.
The disappointment shone through with a collective heavy sigh from everyone. Fozzie frowned. “This happens every time I go out in front of a large group of people,” he said. “Don’t worry… Kermit’s right behind me.”
Kermit walked out of the door, to the relief of everyone in attendance. Kermit looked around. “Sorry I’m late,” he said.
Rowlf’s paw was now on Kermit’s shoulder. “We forgive ya,” he said. “We’re just glad you decided to show. What made ya finally come?” Rowlf asked sarcastically.
Kermit shrugged. “Something better came along,” he said. “Speaking of which… Where’s Miss Piggy?”
“She ran off screaming, saying somethin’ about not wanting to be seen in her dress,” Rowlf said.
“Figures,” Kermit said, scrunching up his face. The frog looked around at everyone staring at him. “Well what’s everyone waiting for? I’ve gotta get married!”
~-~-~-~-~
Dr. Teeth cracked his knuckles and waggled his fingers around, then finally put them down on the organ keys. He tapped out a slow melody.
Kermit stood proudly at the altar. He looked like the happiest frog in the world—and he probably was (though he wasn’t aware that Greedy Greg the Frog had just won the swamp lottery—a lifetime’s supply of maggots!).
It was while he was standing so proudly that Kermit realized they’d never bothered to have a rehearsal for the wedding. He gulped quietly and hoped this didn’t deter from the wedding.
The focus suddenly turned from Kermit in front to Gonzo and Camilla walking down the aisle between the rows of guests. Camilla did not look happy with her beaky-beau, and Gonzo was not happy with his beaky wounds. (Who am I kidding? Of course he was happy with them!)
When they reached the altar, the two of them separated and Camilla went left while Gonzo went right, each standing at the base of the altar. Gonzo flashed a quick grin and a thumbs up at Kermit as he passed. Kermit shook his head.
Rowlf and Janice followed down the aisle next, then Croaker and Skeeter—all of them following Gonzo and Camilla’s lead. Girls on the right, guys on the left.
Kermit suddenly became immensely confused when Grover and Aunt Marge came down the aisle next. “Croaker… what’s going on?” he whispered to the frog.
“Ya didn’t expect any of us to walk with ‘er, didja?” Croaker asked.
The crowd shared Kermit’s confusion and they started to whisper to each other. Marge stopped abruptly in the middle of the aisle, almost making Grover fall over (hey, that rhymed!). “Get over yerselves!” she hissed. “You’re all just jealous.” She grinned smugly and pulled Grover down the rest of the length of the aisle—stopping only to cast a glare at Sam Eagle.
When they reached the altar, the always-helpful monster was visibly glad to be rid of the wrinkly mass on his arm as he scurried over to Kermit. “Thanks Grover,” Kermit whispered to him. “I didn’t realize she’d be part of the wedding party.”
Grover rolled his eyes. “Trust me, froggy baby, it is no party with her,” he said.
Kermit smirked. “Sorry about that Grover,” he said.
“That is okay, Kermit,” Grover said, patting Kermit, surprisingly gently, on the back. “You just owe me big time!”
Fozzie and Maggie walked down next, arm in arm. They both smiled at the guests as they passed them, and Fozzie hoped Croaker wouldn’t get mad at him for walking with Maggie. The reached the end of the aisle and Maggie walked off Fozzie’s arm and moved over to just near the top of the altar.
But Fozzie stayed in the center.
“Hiya, hiya, hiya!” Fozzie said to the crowd, garnering a collective groan.
“Fozzie!” Kermit scolded his best friend.
Fozzie looked pleadingly at the frog. “C’mon Kermit, can I please do one?” he begged.
Kermit sighed. “Alright, one.”
“Ahh! Thank you!” the bear said. “Hiya ladies and grooms! Ahh! So, why was the bear’s marriage so short?” Fozzie asked, baiting the crowd. “Because they were only in it for the honeymoon! Get it? Honey? Bears? Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!”
“Boo!” Statler called.
“Terrible!” Waldorf added.
“Hey Waldorf, I’ve got one,” Statler said. “Why are hecklers usually not found at weddings?”
“Beats me,” said Waldorf.
“We never say ‘I do’s—only ‘I don’ts!’” Statler laughed.
As the two old hecklers laughed Sweetums barreled up behind them. “Shh!” he hissed at them.
“What’re you supposed to be?” Waldorf asked.
“Wedding insurance,” Sweetums said. “I insure that this wedding doesn’t get interrupted.” The monster pounded his huge fist on his palm and growled.
“Got it!” Statler and Waldorf said in unison, sinking down in their seats.
As the organ music continued two significantly shorter aisle walkers entered. Prairie Dawn, carrying a basket of flower petals, and Robin, holding a purple satin pillow with two rings resting on it.
Prairie tossed flowers on the ground as she walked, and made Robin keep pace with her. “Aww”s sounded from the crowd as the two youngest members of the wedding party finished their trip down the aisle and Prairie bowed proudly. Robin scrunched up his face as he watched Prairie, just like his uncle.
Scooter poked his head in behind Kermit. “Psst, boss!” the go-fer whispered to the groom.
“Not now Scooter,” Kermit hissed. “I’m kind of busy!”
“Well why is Prairie Dawn in the wedding party—when I’m not?” Scooter asked.
Kermit smirked. “Pay-back for that wonderful bachelor party,” he said. “Now get—here comes Miss Piggy!”
The organ tune changed to the traditional wedding march as the crowd on both sides of the aisle stood up.
The sun seemed to shine down on the end of the aisle where a beacon stood proudly holding a bouquet of flowers. All dressed in white, Miss Piggy began her slow walk down the aisle.
Everyone’s faces seemed to light up as she passed them. “You look beautiful,” Big Bird said from the groom’s side of the crowd.
The Swedish Chef blew his nose loudly as Piggy passed. He grabbed on to Sam Eagle’s wing and sobbed into his feathers. Sam stared down at him disapprovingly.
Rizzo and Pepe clamored around legs, trying to see into the aisle. “Are we really tryin’ to see Miss Piggy?” Rizzo asked.
“Si,” Pepe said. “I want to see if she’s all dressed in white, hokay!”
Miss Piggy turned and looked smug. “Thank goodness it’s not after Labor Day,” she said.
Link peered out from the bride’s side of the crowd. “Miss Piggy,” he said as she passed him. “I just want you to know… I’ve moved on. So don’t worry about me!” Link bit his bottom lip, sniffed loudly, then turned and sobbed into the shoulder of Dr. Julius Strangepork, who patted the supposedly “macho” pig’s back.
Miss Piggy finally reached the altar and turned quickly to the crowd, flashing a huge grin. “It’s about time!” she said. The crowd laughed and applauded her as she climbed the steps to stand next to Kermit.
The preacher, an elderly gentleman wearing a white suit, stepped up from the backside of the altar and motioned for the crowd to sit down. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “Frogs, dogs, pigs, bears, chickens, monsters, and other things, we are gathered here today to bond in holy matrimony the lives of this frog and this pig.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Sam Eagle shouted, running out in front of the altar, waving his wings about. “Just a moment here sir. There are some strict protocol measures I’m almost certain you have not followed!” Sam said sternly.
“Could you hold it until I ask for objections?” the preacher asked.
“Or just not ever bring it up again?” Miss Piggy asked, growling at the eagle.
“Of course not!” Sam said. “This is a matter of extreme importance!”
“What is it, Sam?” Kermit asked.
Sam cleared his throat. “You seem to be missing something old, something new, something borrowed, and something… blue,” he said.
“No we are not,” Kermit said.
“…You aren’t?” Sam asked.
“No!” Kermit shouted.
“Explain yourself!” Sam demanded.
“Something old.” Kermit pointed to Aunt Marge. “Something new.” Kermit tugged at the sleeve of his tuxedo. “Something borrowed.” He motioned toward the preacher. “He’s on rental—and something blue,” he said, pointing to Grover. “Happy now?”
Sam looked over the somethings again. “Mm… yes,” he said. “Carry on!”
Sam returned to his seat and the preacher continued. “Marriage—as you all know—is the sealing bond of the love that two people share. In Hollywood, not only do these arrangements come about after only a few times seeing each other, but they don’t last long either.” The audience laughed a little bit, some of the celebrities weary of their own marriages.
“Thankfully, however, there are some wonderful exceptions,” the preacher continued, smiling at Kermit and Piggy. “I don’t know any couple who’s spent more time together than our own Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy—nor do I know one I never even considered asking myself, ‘What if they end the marriage?’
“Kermit and Miss Piggy are special,” the preacher said. “And it’s about time they tied the knot.”
“Right on,” Floyd called out from the band area.
This simple comment erupted a huge outpouring of other comments.
“Si, Kermin may have to marry de pig, hokay,” Pepe said, “but at least he takes her off de market for the rest of us!”
“It looks like Miss Piggy’s determination finally paid off Bert,” Ernie said.
“Yeah,” Bert said. “And Kermit must’ve finally gotten tired of running away from her.”
“But running is a very healthy thing to do,” said Rosita.
“So is marriage,” Gordon said, pulling Susan to his side.
“In this case,” Statler and Waldorf said.
Dad the Frog shrugged. “I’ve never known it not to be good for ya,” he said, pecking Mom on the cheek.
“Hoo, that reminds me of an old swamp sayin’,” cooed Horace, the buzzing green horsefly. “There’s only two people in d’is worl’ you c’n trust—an’ that’s your mama and your wife! Though the second one’s highly debatable.”
Kermit scrunched up his face and Miss Piggy rolled her eyes.
“Not exactly the sentiment they were hoping to start the relationship on,” Maggie told the bug.
“Start the relationship?” Gonzo asked. “Where have you been?”
“Well the start of the relationship sure was a hit,” Fozzie said.
“Yep, Miss Piggy hit Kermit right in his heart—and he never came back,” Rowlf said.
“We actually thought he was dead for awhile,” Scooter said.
“I guess we do believe in life after love, eh?” Croaker asked, nudging Gonzo.
“Somebody had better tell Cher!” Grover said.
“Alright, alright,” Miss Piggy shouted. “Are you quite finished?” she growled. “I’d kinda like to get married—today!”
“Elmo has something to say!” Elmo shouted, standing up on his seat to be taller.
“Go figure,” Miss Piggy muttered.
“Elmo thinks Miss Piggy and Kermit should get married—because they love each other very much!” the spunky red monster said.
“Yuck,” Oscar groaned from his trashcan that took the place of one of the seats. “Just get this over with, will ya? I’m startin’ to feel sentimental!”
“Point taken,” Kermit said. He nodded to the preacher, who smiled back.
“Can I have the rings, please?” the preacher asked.
Robin skipped up the altar proudly, holding out the pillow for Fozzie to grab the rings off of. Fozzie put his free hand on Robin’s shoulder. “You make a really good bear, Robin,” Fozzie told the frog.
Robin giggled. “That’s bearer Fozzie,” Robin whispered before hopping back down the altar.
Fozzie handed both Kermit and Miss Piggy a ring. “Don’t drop them,” Fozzie warned.
“Kermit,” said the preacher, “Slide the ring on Miss Piggy’s finger and repeat after me, ‘With this ring, I do thee wed.’”
Kermit nodded. He grabbed Miss Piggy’s hand in his and reached forward with the ring (his hands were visibly shaking). He paused and stared down at Miss Piggy’s hand. “Erm… Miss Piggy?”
“Don’t tell me you’re backing out now, frog!” Piggy said.
“No, no, it’s not that,” Kermit said. “But… uh… there’s already a—”
“Oh!” Piggy shouted. She pulled her hand loose from Kermit’s and yanked off a ring with a small ruby in the center of it from her finger. She held it up in the air. “B.K.,” she explained with a shrug. “Force of habit.”
Kermit smirked and smoothly slid the new ring on in place of the old. “Does that make this one just K?” Kermit asked smugly.
“Just say the line, frog,” Miss Piggy told her almost-husband.
“With this ring, I do thee wed,” Kermit said.
“Miss Piggy, the same,” the preacher instructed.
“Whatever happened to ladies first, hmm?” Miss Piggy asked. She wrapped her hand around Kermit’s and gently placed the ring on his very thin finger. “With this ring, I do thee wed,” she said sweetly.
“Good,” the preacher said, sincerely happy. “Now… ladies first,” the preacher said, winking at Miss Piggy. “Do you Miss Piggy take Kermit the Frog to be your lawfully wedded husband? To honor and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part?”
“What if she’s the one who brings up the death that they part with?” Gonzo asked.
“That… will have to be taken up with a higher court,” the preacher said. “Miss Piggy… do you?”
Miss Piggy locked eyes with Kermit and the light in her eyes shone brightly through as she said the words she’d been holding in her throat for years.
“I do,” Miss Piggy said softly.
“We know!” the entire crowd watching said in unison, as if on cue.
Miss Piggy whipped her neck around to glare at the crowd. “What?” she shouted.
The audience performed a collective shrug and every hand pointed in the direction of a penguin holding a cue card that said, “We Know!” standing next to the altar.
The penguin gulped as Miss Piggy’s glare found its way to him. “A flightless aquatic bird’s gotta make a living!” the penguin implored.
Kermit shook his head and the preacher continued. “Do you, Kermit the Frog, take Miss Piggy to finally be your lawfully wedded wife? To honor and to hold, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part?”
The gulp Kermit gulped resonated around the backyard as everything fell silent—so quiet, you could hear a pin drop (but that was unlikely, since everyone was sitting on pins and needles waiting for Kermit’s response). (Though, deep down, they all already knew what it was.)
Kermit’s life almost started to flash before his eyes—but then he remembered Miss Piggy standing before his eyes. He looked deep into the pools of blue that surrounded her pupils and saw his life in her eyes. Not his past, but his future, with her.
He was happy.
And that was good enough for him.
Kermit the Frog stood up straight, took Miss Piggy’s hands in his, and looked her square in the eye. “I do,” he said, and a second thought never once crossed his mind.
“Yes,” Miss Piggy said victoriously under her breath.
“Then by the power invested in me by the state of California in the lovely town of Hollywood—‘cause where else would consider this kind of wedding legal?—I now pronounce you husband and wife,” the preacher said. “Kermit, you may kiss the bride.”
“Don’t mind if I do,” Kermit said, reaching in front of him and flipping Miss Piggy’s veil to the back of her head.
“Too slow!” Miss Piggy shouted before she lunged forward at Kermit, pressing her lips so hard against his that the frog wondered if his face would be stuck in the shape of a flat mass with pig-lip marks in the center. (Right now he would’ve been perfectly content with that situation.)
Both of them tuned out the mad cheering of the audience. Both of them didn’t notice the standing ovation. Both of them didn’t realize how long they stood there kissing.
Both of them were the happiest two people in the world.
When Miss Piggy lifted her head up and Kermit stared into her eyes again, they both smiled. “What better way could anything end?” he asked in a whisper. “Hand in hand with a friend.”
Gonzo poked his head in the middle of the newlyweds. “It’s not over!” he shouted. “We’ve still got the reception to get to!”
Kermit and Piggy stood up straight and stared down at Gonzo. “Thanks,” they said in unison. Kermit grabbed Miss Piggy’s hand and held it tight, never wanting to let go.
“Ladies and gentlemen—and Muppets,” the preacher said. “I present to you for the first time Mister and Misses Kermit the Frog!”
The audience cried out happily again. They cheered on the new couple as they descended the altar and walked down the aisle for the first time as husband and wife. “I love you Kermie,” Miss Piggy said, nuzzling Kermit.
“I love you too Miss Piggy,” Kermit said, nuzzling right back. “And now the whole world knows it.”
“It’s about time!” the crowd shouted in unison. The penguin up front waved on the newlyweds with another cue card, this one didn’t say “It’s about time,” however, because quite frankly, it didn’t need to.
Miss Piggy grinned and tossed her bouquet of flowers behind her head, high into the air.
The flowers landed safely in the nervous hands of Beaker.
The squeaky lab assistant squealed as everyone laughed at him. He pulled his head into his coat, completely embarrassed, and tucked the flowers away somewhere safe—for later.
Kermit and Piggy exchanged wicked looks and took off in a sprint towards the backyard fence.
The crowd caught on quickly and took off behind them.
At most weddings when the bride and groom take to the limousine to head to the reception rice is hurled—or bubbles even (Bill the Bubble Guy still produced Bubbles for the situation—but Rizzo and Cookie Monster ate all of the rice). However, this was obviously not most weddings.
Penguins and chickens were flipped into the air by anyone within arms reach of them—a perfect Muppet sentiment to send off the newlyweds.
Kermit and Piggy stepped into the back of the limo and it drove away with Muppaphones tied to the back fender—courtesy of Marvin Suggs.
“Driver,” Kermit called out. “To the Muppet Theater!”
The driver looked into the back seat—it was Beauregard.
“You got it, sir!” he said. “But… how do I get there?”
Kermit and Miss Piggy looked at each other and fell into a fit of uncontrollable giddy laughter.
They held each other’s hands still, and laughed together all the way to the theater for the first time as husband and wife—but certainly not the last time.
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(we really need a happy face piggy on this thing!)
I think I'm happiest that you like Dad the Frog so much... I'm having fun writing him, and quite honestly I didn't anticipate that scene with he and Piggy at all... nor did I anticipate the one with Kermit talking to Kermit. Those both just came out of nowhere.