Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[theprawncracker]

Is coming! Is coming! I'm writing! I'm writing!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

*Cheers for Prawn* WHOOHOOOO!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 14

Piggy read over the menu. "Um, do vous have any entrees that consist mainly of chocolate?" she asked the waiter.

"Only the deserts, ma’am," the waiter said.

"Aw," Link sighed. "I love chocolate..."

Piggy peered over the menu at Link. "It shows," she muttered.

"I’m sorry Mister Hogthrob, Miss Piggy," the waiter said. "Would you like a few more minutes to look over the menu?"

"Relax-" Link squinted at the waiter’s name tag. "Fr-ank," he read. "Hm, what is that? Short for Francis or something?"

The waiter frowned. "I’ll be back for your order later."

"Um, waiter," Piggy called after him. "Un momento, por favor. Moi would fancy a bottle of champagne, what about vous, Link?"

Link peeked in his wallet. "Uh, well-"

"Good," Piggy said viciously. "A bottle of champagne."

Link leaned over to the waiter. "Could you just pour some grape juice in a bottle?"

Frank the waiter smirked. "I’ll see what I can do."

Piggy slouched back in her chair and rapped her fingers on the table. "Link," she said to her faux-beau. "Where are the bread sticks?"

Link looked down and fiddled around with his napkin. "Um, well I got hungry..."

Piggy groaned. "Figures..."

"Miss Piggy? Link?" Fozzie shouted as he and Kermit approached the table. "Well, would you look at that, Kermit, our dear friends Miss Piggy and Link are here too! What a fantastic coincidence, wouldn’t you say?" Fozzie asked the frog.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Something like that."

"Oh, Kermit," Miss Piggy said. "Fancy seeing vous here."

"Yes, well, Fozzie and I were just off to have a nice dinner to discuss the show. Over there." Kermit pointed to another table.

"Oh, nonsense," Link said. "We have plenty of room here. Join us."

"Oh, we couldn’t possibly-" Kermit started.

"We’d love to!" Fozzie shouted, plopping down in the seat next to Link.

Link looked at Fozzie’s suit. "Who’s your tailor? I love that outfit."

Kermit quietly, and reluctantly took the seat next to Miss Piggy. "You look very nice tonight, Miss Piggy."

"Oh?" Piggy asked. "Well vous are naked."

"I’m always naked."

Don’t I know it. Piggy thought to herself.

"We just ordered some cham-pag-en," Link said, mispronouncing the bubbly.

"Champagne, you tw-" Piggy stopped herself and giggled at Kermit. "Twinkly eyed dear."

Kermit scrunched up his face. "What are you getting to eat, Fozzie?"

"I don’t know," Fozzie said, peering through the menu. "I don’t see any honey."

"I thought Miss Piggy was my honey?" Link asked.

"Oh good grief," Piggy groaned.

"Beg pardon?" Kermit asked.

"Um... good... good grief, vous are correct Linky-poo," Miss Piggy said, forcing a smile.

Link looked up at the stage with the karaoke machine. "Oh, look there, no one’s performing on stage."

"Ooh, a stage?" Miss Piggy asked. "Intriguing, Link, would vous care to sing a romantic duet with moi," she said, right in Kermit’s face.

"Well I-"

"Oh, I just knew you would!" Piggy said, grabbing Link and pulling him towards the stage.

Fozzie scooted his chair next to Kermit. "This could be fun, Kermit," Fozzie said.

"Like getting your teeth pulled," Kermit said.

"Is that where your teeth went?" Fozzie asked.

"Which song should I pick, Miss Piggy?" Link asked, fiddling with the karaoke machine.

"Let me do it," Piggy said, pushing him out of the way.

Piggy picked the song, grabbed herself a microphone and shoved the other one into Link’s hands. "Hit it!" she shouted.

"They say we’re young and we don’t know," Piggy sang, not needing the words off the machine.
"We won’t find out until we grow."

"You," she shouted to Link.

"Well, uh, I don’t know if that’s all true," Link sang, reading the words off the karaoke machine.

"‘Cause you got me, and baby, I got you."

Kermit made a disgusted face as he watched the two pigs perform.

"Babe," Link sang.

"I got you babe
I got you babe," they both sang.

"They say our love won’t pay the rent
Before it’s earned our money’s all been spent," Miss Piggy sang.

"I guess that’s so, we don’t have a pot
But at least I’m sure of all the things we got," Link sang slowly, trying to keep up with the words.

"Babe," Link sang.

"I got you babe
I got you babe."

"I got flowers in the spring
I got you to wear my ring," Link sang.

"Yeah right!" Piggy yelled. "Um, ha ha," she laughed innocently. "And when I’m sad, you’re a clown
And when I get scared, you’re always around."

"Don’t let them say your hair’s too long
‘Cause I don’t care, with you I can’t go wrong."

"Then put your massive hand in mine
There ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb," Piggy sang. Link reached his hand towards hers, but she elbowed him in the chest before he could get to her.

"Oomf, babe," Link sang.

"I got you babe
I got you babe."

"I almost got you to hold my hand," Link sang.

"I got vous to understand," Piggy followed.

"I get you to walk with me."

"I got you to talk with me," Piggy sang.
"I got you to- blech- kiss at night
I got you to hold me tight- but if it’s too tight, you’re dead, ya hear me?
I got vous, I won’t let go
I got you to love moi so."

"I got you babe
I got you babe
I got you babe
I got you babe
I got you babe," they both sang to finish the song.

The crowd of restaurant patrons applauded. "Oh, thank you, thank you all," Piggy said sweetly to her fans.

"Hey," Fozzie said. "I didn’t know Piggy and Link had Babe, that pig from the movies."

"Fozzie," Kermit scolded gently.

"Oh, sorry." Fozzie said. "Ya know, Kermit, I bet we could do a much better number than that."

"I agree," Kermit said.

"Really? I knew you would! C’mon!" Fozzie shouted, pulling Kermit out of his seat, and up to the stage.

<~><~><~><~><~>

Spaghetti flew through the air at the house of Mama Fiama. "Get’a this girl out’a my house, Johnny!" Mama Fiama cried.

"Ma, hey, easy, ya don’t have ta hurl pasta at her, she’s just my girlfr-" Johnny Fiama started.

"Don’t’a say d’at word," Mama Fiama moaned. "You’re’a gonna make’a me cry, Johnny."

Skeeter groaned. "You’re gonna make me sick," she said.

"Why’a?" Mama Fiama asked. "Why’a she gotta be so mean, eh?"

"She’s not, Ma, she’s not," Johnny said. "She’s just a little tired, that’s all."

"Why do you want ta leave’a me, Johnny?" Mama Fiama asked her son.

"I’m not gonna leave ya, Ma," Johnny said. "Promise. I mean, if we have to, me and Skeeter’ll just move in here. How’s that sound?"

"Oh, my boy’s’a gonna leave me for some four-eyed’a yellow girl!" Mama Fiama moaned, running into the kitchen, coming back out carrying a pot full of spaghetti sauce.

"Aw no," Johnny said. "She’s hittin’ the sauce again."

"Oh come on," Skeeter said, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, uh, Skeet," Johnny said. "Do you think you could give me and Mama some time alone here, eh?"

Skeeter threw down her napkin on the table. "Sure, whatever. I need to scape noodles out of my hair anyway." Skeeter muttered, and walked out of the house.

Mama Fiama sniffed. "Thank’a you, Johnny."

Johnny smirked. "Aw, I love ya, Ma."

"I love’a you too, Johnny," she said sweetly. "Now promise’a me you’ll never bring home another one’a those womens again, eh?" Mama Fiama shouted at him, whacking him with a wooden spoon.

<~><~><~><~><~>

"I don’t know about this, Fozzie," Kermit said.

"Trust me," Fozzie reassured the frog. "It’ll be great! We’ve just gotta change up the words a little bit."

"Sheesh," Kermit sighed.

"Does she love him?
He wants to know
How can he tell if she loves him so?" Fozzie sang.

"Is it in her eyes?" Kermit sang.

"Oh no, you need to see."

"Is it in her size?" Kermit sang, confused.

"Oh no, you make believe!
If you wanna know
If she loves you so
It’s in her kiss," Fozzie sang.

"That’s where it is," Kermit sang weakly.

"Oh yeah, well is it in her face?"

"No way, that’s just her charms!"

"In her warm embrace?" Kermit sang, each of his lines reminding him of the pig sitting in the center of the restaurant (no, not Link).

"No way, that’s just her arms
If you wanna know
If she loves you so
It’s in her kiss."

"That’s where it is," Kermit sighed.

"Yeah!" Fozzie shouted. "It’s in her kiss."

"Oh, oh, oh, froggy
Squeeze her tight
Find out what you want to know-o-o
If it’s love, if it really is
It’s there in her kiss!" Fozzie sang, putting his arm around Kermit’s shoulder.

"How- how ‘bout the way she acts?" Kermit asked, giving up singing.

"No, no, that’s not the way
You’re not listening to what I say
If you wanna know
If she loves you so
It’s in her kiss."

"That’s where it is..."

"Yeah, it’s in her kiss!" Fozzie sang.

"That’s where it is!" Fozzie and Kermit harmonized.

The audience applauded again, this time for the bear and the frog. "See, now don’t you feel better, Kermit?" Fozzie asked.

Kermit looked at his feet, and placed the microphone on the karaoke machine. "No, not really."

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

Omgsh, Prawn I laughed my socks off through the whole thing.

Fave Line:

"I'm always naked."

I could see it all happen in my mind like as if it was on a muppet show/movie. I can see Heartthrob taking a peek into his wallet as Piggy happily orders an expensive bottle of champagne or Fozzie inviting himself with Kermit to the table and dragging Kermit to sing with him. This is my favorite chapter so far. Keep goin' tiger!

 

[The Count]

I applaud the chapter. But it makes me think about something Lisa kind of started at in Say Cheese!
How can Kermit attempt to get Piggy back if he feels down on himself, or putting on a facade of smarkyness towards the rest of the world, or if Piggy won't even let him get her back?
It echoes the sort of relationship question that Lisa raised that I would've liked her to explore along withRowlf's healing and the healing of the music and mood of the MBH in that story of hers, but we all know what's happened to those stories of hers...

Anyway, thanks for the update Ryan. Please post more soon.

 

[TogetherAgain]

<grabs desk in desperate attempt to stay upright>

...Wow.

More PLEASE!

<faints>

 

[redBoobergurl]

Another great chapter, I just feel so bad for Kermit! Oh, Frank the waiter, nice touch. Anyway, this is so funny and yet heartwrenching at the same time! Must read more!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 15

The eyes.

They stared right into Kermit’s eyes.

They seemed to peer right into him, greeting this morning.

"Uncle Kermit?" the body attached to the eyes asked the groggy froggy.

Kermit stretched his arms out from under the blanket and rubbed his eyes. "You know Robin, it’s the early bird who catches the worm, no one ever said anything about frogs," Kermit told his nephew.

"Sorry Uncle Kermit," Robin said, slipping off his uncle’s chest and lying next to him on the bed. "But I’m playing hide and go seek with Aunt Marge," Robin said.

Kermit sat up on his elbow and smiled at his nephew. "Does Aunt Marge know you’re playing hide and seek?"

Robin fiddled with the corner of the blanket. "Um, well, not exactly," he said.

Kermit rubbed Robin’s head and hopped out of the bed. "She’s really wearing you down, huh?" Kermit asked.

"Kinda," Robin said, shifting his weight.

Kermit walked over to his closet and opened it. "Think I should try pants today, Robin?" Kermit asked his nephew. Robin shook his head. Kermit smiled. "Good, why start now, right?"

Robin grinned. "That’s right, Uncle Kermit."

Kermit tossed off his pajamas and straightened his collar. "Well, I’m ready to start the day."

"Can’t we stay in your room all day today, Uncle Kermit?" Robin asked, moving to the edge of the bed.

Kermit smirked. "Well, I’ve got a busy day planned at the theater today."

"Can I go with you, then?" Robin asked.

Kermit smiled. "Well, I don’t see why not," Kermit said. "But you’re still in your pajamas, you’ll have to get ready to go."

Robin quickly tossed off his spaceship pajamas and hopped off the bed, grabbing Kermit’s hand. "Okay, I’m ready!"

Kermit chuckled. "Oh good," he said.

The two frogs made their way down the stairs and to the breakfast table. Kermit took his seat at the head, and Robin climbed up into a chair next to Rowlf.

"Good morning everyone," Kermit said cheerfully to the group of Muppets at the table.

"Eh, that’s a matter of opinion," Floyd said.

Kermit frowned. "True, I suppose." He looked down the table. "Where are the girls?"

"How’re we supposed to know, man?" Clifford asked.

Kermit sighed. "Sorry I asked."

"Boy," Fozzie said, stirring around his cereal from his seat next to Kermit. "Am I ever glad I’m single."

"You’re preachin’ to the choir, Foz," Rowlf said.

"Testify!" Rizzo proclaimed.

"Hoorleloojah! Hoorleloojah!" The Swedish Chef sang from in the kitchen.

Kermit shook his head. "Good grief."

"I can’t take this much longer, green stuff," Floyd said. "Every chance she gets, Janice rubs Zoot in my face!"

"Which can be very uncomfortable," Fozzie said.

"Well what can I do about it?" Kermit asked.

"Realistically?" Gonzo asked.

"Is anything with you realistic, Gonzo?" Kermit asked.

"Well, no, but I was just checking," Gonzo said.

"Man, green stuff, you can do somethin’ to get us outta this mess?" Floyd asked.

"Well, I can try," Kermit said. "Any preferences?"

"Something involving pudding!" Gonzo shouted.

"Somethin’ that doesn’t involve pudding," Clifford said.

"Well it seems we may have some conflicts in amongst the group," Kermit said.

"Man, there’s one thing we all agree on though," Floyd said.

"What’s that?" Kermit asked.

"We all want our women back," Floyd said. Gonzo and Clifford nodded.

"Well," Kermit said. "It seems we’ve reached some common ground."

"Uncle Kermit?" Robin asked up to his uncle.

"Hm?"

"I think I have an idea," Robin said.

Kermit looked awkwardly at his nephew. "Really?" Kermit asked. "How?"

Rowlf smirked. "What else do you expect us to do when Aunt Marge takes her ‘beauty’ naps?" he asked.

Kermit grinned. "Okay then, I wanna see it," Kermit said. "But I’ll need some help to get this put together," Kermit said. "Floyd, Clifford, Gonzo, if you want this thing to happen, I need you guys to keep Aunt Marge at bay today."

"You have got to be kiddin’ me, frog," Clifford said.

"Hey man, I dunno about you, but I’ll do anything to get my Janice back," Floyd said triumphantly.

"And I’ll do anything for Camilla!" Gonzo declared.

Clifford rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright..."

"Good," Kermit said. "Fozzie?"

"Yes, karaoke partner?" Fozzie said, nudging Kermit.

Kermit smirked. "I need you to keep the girls busy, do whatever you have to to keep them out of the theater today."

"Um, okay," Fozzie said. "But you know I’m not very good with girls, Kermit."

"Then get Rizzo and Pepe to help you," Kermit said.

"Oh, yeah, that’ll help," Clifford said sarcastically.

"Alright, Rowlf, Robin, we’ll head down to the theater with Scooter, and you can show me your idea, okay?" Kermit asked.

Robin nodded happily. "Okay, Uncle Kermit!"

"Ya hoppin floor de me?" The Swedish Chef asked Kermit.

"Uh, Chef," Kermit said. "You can, uh, you can- well, you can make lunch for Aunt Marge."

"Ooh! Gloo la loonches floor de eelder froogy!" Chef said, bouncing into the kitchen.

"Alright team," Gonzo said. "Let’s do it! Go Team Super Freak!" Gonzo shouted.

Everyone stared at Gonzo. "What?" the weirdo asked. "I thought we needed a team name."

Kermit rolled his eyes. "Just go!"

<~><~><~><~><~>

Miss Piggy sat in front of her vanity, applying makeup. She had spent most of her morning deciding between the pink or the red shoes, then between wearing her hair up or down, then between curling her hair or straightening it.
"Oh, how I love making moi look good," she said to herself.

She set her makeup down on the vanity and caught a glimpse of her framed picture of her and Kermit sitting there, staring up at her.

She picked it up with her gloved hand and smiled weakly at it. "Oh, Kermie," she whispered. "I know vous liked to make moi look good."

She growled, and clenched her eyes, shaking her head. "No, that frog did me wrong!" She grabbed open the drawer of her vanity and slammed the picture inside it, shutting it just as quick as she opened it.

"But... but I miss that frog..." She sniffed. "I... I need that frog..."

Piggy wiped her eye and got up from her vanity to close her door. She grabbed the handle and began to shut it, when she heard Fozzie, Rizzo, and Pepe talking out in the hall.

"You’re writing d’at for Kermit to win back Miss Piggy?" Rizzo asked.

"Yeah, isn’t it great?" Fozzie asked.

"Si, si, sure, if jou like all t’ose foo-foo ushy gushy t’ings," Pepe said.

"Oh, I do, I do," Fozzie said cheerfully. "So does Piggy."

"Yeah, we know," Rizzo said, making a gagging noise.

Piggy clenched her fingers around the doorknob, wishing it was a rat, instead of a doorknob.

"Well, I think it’s gonna be great," Fozzie said.

"Si, it might work, hokay?" Pepe said. "But Fotzie, when are jou going to tell Kermit all about it?"

"Um, I’m not," Fozzie said.

"You’re not?" Rizzo asked.

"Nope, it’s gonna be a surprise for him too!" Fozzie said.

"Ain’t d’at a little cruel?" Rizzo asked.

"Si, and muy unusual, hokay?" Pepe said.

"No, silly, it’s romantic!" Fozzie said.

"Whatever you say," Rizzo said. "Now where are t’ose girls we’re s’pposed to be watchin’?"

"Si, lead Pepe to de womens, hokay?" Pepe said.

Piggy swooned, falling back on her bed. "Oh, he does! Kermie does still love me! Enough to trust Fozzie with winning me back. Oh, Mon Capitan, vous are so romantic..." Piggy jumped up. "Oh, I wonder what he is going to do! Ooh, and when! Oh, this is getting exciting!" she said.

"Thank goodness for good writers!" she shouted at the ceiling. "Um, and if you’re still there... I could use a new pair of black heels."

 

[TogetherAgain]

The eyes.

They stared right into Kermit’s eyes.

They seemed to peer right into him, greeting this morning.

REFERENCE! Oh, TOTAL reference! Oh I squee! Oh I glomp! MAJOR GLOMP! ...Um, or Private First Class Glomp... Or potentially Lance Corporal Glomp, but you'll just have to wait and see about that. Anyway! THANK YOU!

Kermit sat up on his elbow and smiled at his nephew. "Does Aunt Marge know you’re playing hide and seek?"

Robin fiddled with the corner of the blanket. "Um, well, not exactly," he said.

Kermit rubbed Robin’s head and hopped out of the bed. "She’s really wearing you down, huh?" Kermit asked.

"Kinda," Robin said, shifting his weight.

Aw, cute little Robin. <is not at ALL biased in opinion of Robin> <shifty eyes>

Kermit walked over to his closet and opened it. "Think I should try pants today, Robin?" Kermit asked his nephew. Robin shook his head. Kermit smiled. "Good, why start now, right?"

Now that is just plain awesome.

Robin quickly tossed off his spaceship pajamas and hopped off the bed, grabbing Kermit’s hand. "Okay, I’m ready!"

<Sigh,> Why wasn't I born a frog?

"You’re preachin’ to the choir, Foz," Rowlf said.

"Testify!" Rizzo proclaimed.

"Hoorleloojah! Hoorleloojah!" The Swedish Chef sang from in the kitchen.

Your honor, I OBJECT! ...Okay, so I don't, because I love this, but I felt like saying that.

"Is anything with you realistic, Gonzo?" Kermit asked.

Nope.

"Something involving pudding!" Gonzo shouted.

"Somethin’ that doesn’t involve pudding," Clifford said.

"Well it seems we may have some conflicts in amongst the group," Kermit said.

One, love the pudding thing. Two, love Kermit's tendancy to say what's going on in a fancy manner.

"We all want our women back," Floyd said. Gonzo and Clifford nodded.

"Well," Kermit said. "It seems we’ve reached some common ground."

One- THEY WANT THEIR WOMEN BACK! Two- see above.

"I think I have an idea," Robin said.

ROBIN HAS AN IDEA!

Rowlf smirked. "What else do you expect us to do when Aunt Marge takes her ‘beauty’ naps?" he asked.

I NEVER, EVER thought I would say this, but... Thanks Aunt Marge. <runs and hides>

"Yes, karaoke partner?" Fozzie said, nudging Kermit.

I just plain love that.

"Alright team," Gonzo said. "Let’s do it! Go Team Super Freak!" Gonzo shouted.

Everyone stared at Gonzo. "What?" the weirdo asked. "I thought we needed a team name."

Kermit rolled his eyes. "Just go!"

One- TEAM SUPER FREAK! Two- GO GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOO!

I'll leave the rest for someone else.

MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH FLY-SHOE PIE ON TOP!

 

[The Count]

Great chapter. Lisa covered it all. Post more! Get her to post more of her stories too please!