Chapter 32: Facing the reviews
Mabel moved through the crowd dispensing coffee, danishes and attitude. Fozzie was the only one of the bunch that seemed fully rested the next morning, but he had had his first night of untainted sleep since they’d arrived. Everyone else looked just a little scruffy and ragged around the edges, but there was a definite feeling of self-satisfaction pervading the crowd. Piggy picked up on it immediately, trying to put one gloved finger on the difference, but it eluded her until well into the meeting. Kermit was up on one of the cubes, waiting for everyone to settle down before he addressed them. Under his arm was a stack of newspapers, and he pulled one out and opened it. Everyone quieted immediately and either sat or stood exactly where they were.
Enjoying the moment, Kermit unfolded the paper carefully. This is like Christmas, Piggy thought in exasperation, when he has to fold up all the wrapping paper before opening the box. He shook the paper once, twice, a third time. Piggy clasped her hands tightly in her lap to avoid screaming—he had not even let her peek at the reviews, demanding adherence to their time-tested tradition of facing them as a group. If he doesn’t hurry up, she thought, I will be forced to tackle him and wrestle the paper away from those slim green hands.
“Let me see,” Kermit mused, scanning for the article he wanted. Piggy had half-risen from her seat when he made a small “Hmm” of satisfaction and began to read.
“Muppets Boffo! Socko!” Kermit read, scrunching up his face in distaste. He was never going to live that line down. “Playing to a sold-out crowd, the Muppets have once again brought Christmas Spirit up to the level we’ve come to expect. Stellar performances by the inimitable Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog were ably underscored by the musical talents of the Electric Mayhem, whose lead singer Floyd Pepper has not mellowed one iota since the band first broke onto the scene.”
Janice pressed herself against Floyd’s back and kissed him on the neck. “They, like, got that right,” she said with obvious pride. Kermit humphed and everyone grew quiet again.
“Led by the terminally hip Dr. Teeth—“
“Hey Doc!” Rowlf called. “Way to go!”
“—whose raucous keyboard playing had the audience on their feet more than once and adorned with the vocal talents (as well as the bodacious form) of Janice, the band delivered like Santa Claus, and with a lot more noise, thanks to Animal’s energetic attacks on the percussion. Zoot’s mellow tones and Lips brassy rifts made this reporter’s season a whole lot brighter. No review would be complete without a smart salute to Rowlf the Dog, who accompanied the band on several numbers with a skill rarely found in canine performers.
“Right back atcha, Rowlf my main, um, dog!” said Dr. Teeth with a laugh.
“Other acts include a couple of appearances by the Muppet Chorus Line, who did not suffer in comparison to the local talent. Johnny Fiama’s crooning was everything we’ve come to expect.”
“What does that mean?” Johnny asked Sal.
“It means they loved you,” Sal said loyally, and basked in Johnny’s contented expression.
“It means they got the bribe,” Rizzo muttered, but shushed himself when Gloria Jean giggled.
“Robin the Frog, nephew of Kermit, proved that talent runs—or at least hops—in the family. While still cute as a button—“
“Aw, geez,” Robin objected, blushing.
“—the young Mr. the Frog showed the timing of a pro, and—if anything—his voice has improved with time.”
“Oh wow!” Robin said. “Gosh!”
“Looking sharp and hitting their cues, the muppets aren’t taking any prisoners this Christmas season. Give yourself an early Christmas present and head down to the Palace to catch this memorable act.”
A wave of excitement went through the cast and crew, accompanied by congratulations and a lot of good-natured ribbing. This was better than they had expected, better than they had hoped. Kermit let them bask in it for a moment, then reached for another newspaper. Silence dropped over the crowd like a stone and they turned their faces back up to their leader.
“This from the Sun,” he said, by way of explanation.
“If you’ve ever longed for the ghost of Christmas past, take a trip through a time warp and catch the new Muppet Christmas Show down at the Palace. With catchy songs and some enticing glimpses of the inimitable Miss Piggy—who struts her stuff with aplomb—this latest in a long line of Christmas shows brings out some of the best in this varied and multi-talented group.
“There are new faces and old. Gonzo performance artist Gonzo the Great turns in the sort of inexplicable stunt that make his fans go wild, and then manages to sing a little sugar with his long-time girl-friend Camilla the Chicken in some nice ensemble pieces. That cute little chickie has a starring role in the upcoming Fozzie’s Angels, the newest offering from Rainbow Productions long line of feature films. You may also wish to catch Janice, the third heavenly body, singing some rocking Christmas songs with the boys in the band from the Electric Mayhem. The only thing that needs to be said about the stage appearance of EM is “It’s about time!” There’s an a cappella number you don’t want to miss that features the melodious bass voice of master of ceremonies Clifford, whom we don’t see often enough.”
As Kermit kept reading, the tension in the room evaporated, and the party atmosphere intensified. Reviewer after reviewer had good things to say. Although never fully relaxed until it was all over, Piggy began to breathe normally again, and finally took a cup of coffee now that she didn’t think her trembling hands would prevent her conveying it to her mouth.
“Almost done,” Kermit said, almost having to shout. “Quiet down a little, won’t you, so I can do these next two.”
Obedient, but cheekily so, the group settled down. Kermit held up his cell phone and punched in some numbers, listened, punched in some more numbers and finally hit the speaker on the side. Over the hiss of the phone, Kermit shouted, “And this was sent in by Marty—you know, Piggy’s agent. They ran a segment on Comedy Central and mentioned Fozzie.”
“Oh, I can’t look,” Fozzie said, knees quaking. Gonzo patted him on the back.
“You don’t have to,” he said cheerfully. “Just listen.”
Music swelled out of the little phone—the signature piece for a news show. The quality wasn’t great, but you could hear it.
“How Funny Was He? It was a good night for comedy, and a good night for bears. Bringing them both together, the Muppets Christmas Show that just opened at the Palace showcased the talents of resident funnyman Fozzie Bear.”
Fozzie opened one eye and peeked through his fingers.
“Keeping the audience on their toes with an interactive routine, Fozzie left them on their feet asking for more. Although slated to star in Rainbow Productions upcoming Fozzie’s Angels, it’s been a while since veteran funny-man Fozzie Bear graced a stand-up mike. In this writer’s humble opinion, this bear’s been hibernating too long.”
Another eye appeared behind Fozzie’s hands and he looked up hopefully.
“They liked it?” he said, his voice coming out in a squeak.
“If you’re looking for a fun time with a funny bear, get yourself down to the Palace. Pronto.”
Fozzie stood in a daze while many affection hands ruffled his fur or patted him on the back. Janice gave him a hug that left his slightly disoriented for a moment or two.
“They liked me,” he said dazedly. “They really like me.”
“Hang on a little longer,” Kermit said. “Almost done.” He looked at the little gadget in his hand, stumped, and pressed a button. Nothing happened, and Scooter bounded up onto the cube to give technical assistance.
“Like, stay tuned, cats,” said Dr. Teeth with a chuckle. “The frog’s having technical difficulties.”
Finally, the MP3 player was coaxed into service.
“Okay,” said Kermit, hushing them with his hands. “Some of you may have seen that there’s a talk radio host doing a show from Vegas this week.”
“Really?” Gonzo muttered. “There were only about a million billboards saying so.”
“Not my favorite person,” someone murmured. “Hope they didn’t trash us.”
“Radio reviews—haven't had one of those in a while….”
“Quiet please,” Kermit begged, “before I forget how to use this thing.”
Everyone laughed and settled down.
“Um, this is from the early morning show this morning,” Kermit said, and pressed the button.
“It’s been too long, folks. I’m sure someone out there can tell you the number of years, months and days since the Muppets last took the stage to play for a real, live audience.” There was a pause, and a called instruction. “Check one of those fan web sites, won’t you? Someone there will know.”
“As I was saying, I don’t know how long it’s been, but it’s not the number that matters. What matters is that seeing Kermit the Frog step behind the microphone again after, well, too long just felt like coming home for Christmas.
“Although recent years have seen a profusion of big-screen and small-screen productions from this merry band of entertainers, the truth of it is that we all loved them first when they were a stage show. When they played live for an audience with no guarantees that things were going to go smoothly—and they mostly didn’t. But you knew you could sit down with you family all around you and be thoroughly entertained.
“Sure, the jokes were sometimes bad,” the voice continued.
Fozzie looked up anxiously. “Do they mean me?” he asked, and was promptly shushed.
“In fact, some weeks they were all bad, but you never left the theater thinking you hadn’t gotten your money’s worth. Last night, packed into a sold-out crowd, I got to see the muppets at their very best—up close and personal, and I have to tell you—in my never humble opinion—we need a lot more of this kind of entertainment.
“If you are anywhere near Vegas for Christmas, you will be doing yourself a disservice if you don’t cough up the dough and see the muppet Christmas show at the Palace. You’ve got my word on it.”
There was a musical underscore, signaling a break, and then the sound cut out abruptly. Kermit looked out at the crowd. They looked back, eyes shining.
“Thanks, guys,” he said softly. “You did good.” He looked at Piggy for a moment. “Just one more review to go.”
Piggy stood up suddenly, grateful her cup was empty. She looked at Kermit, her heart in her throat, but he was looking at her calmly and steadily, and holding his hand out for hers. She walked over and took it. Kermit pulled out a folded sheet of tabloid paper and opened it. His hand, they all noted, was shaking just a little.
“And this appeared in the gossip column of a tabloid that I think you are all familiar with,” Kermit said dryly, clearing his throat nervously.
“You may have heard the nursery rhyme about the little girl who, when she was good, was very, very good, and when she was bad she was horrid? The Muppets have a lot in common with that little girl, ‘cause when they are good, they are very, very good, and they were very, very good last night. Opening to a sold-out crowd at the Palace in wonderful Las Vegas, the muppets put on a show that had something for everyone. Miss Piggy sang and danced her way into our hearts, and the music was top-notch. Led by Kermit the Frog, CEO and President of Rainbow Productions, the cast turned in a stellar performance guaranteed to deliver a Merry Christmas feeling to anyone who attends.”
There was a stunned silence.
“That’s—that’s all it says?” said Piggy at last.
Kermit nodded. “Yep,” he said. “That’s all.” He beamed at all of them. “It’s official—we’re a hit!”
The party erupted into more of a riot feel, and everyone took a moment to revel in the reviews. Eventually, the mutual admiration society came to a halt, and Scooter and Kermit settled everyone back down.
“Okay,” he said. “I do have a few notes about last night’s performance.” There were groans, but good-natured ones. “Before you go, check with me, or Scooter or Howard if you’re in one of the dance numbers, okay? Other than that, be back here at the same bat time tonight to get ready for the show. Thanks again!”
They had a minute, not more, to stare at each other in relief and surprise. Piggy looked at him hopefully. “Do you—do you think it’s over?” she said. “Do you think he’s moved on to another target?”
Kermit put his arms around her and kissed her on the lips. “I hope so,” he said carefully.
Just as Kermit would have pulled away, Piggy pulled him close by the lapels of his jacket and kissed him earnestly. “For luck,” she said. “For good luck.” Then people were clamoring for his attention again, and she moved away to wait until he was done.