Chapter 24
“Move it, move it, move it!” Princess Piggy shouted as she pushed her way through her cohorts (whom the narrator was not mad at) as they all ran down the many stairs of Uncle Deadly’s tower. “I finally get to be a princess, and you’d better let me through!” she growled.
“You heard the princess!” Sam Eagle ordered. “Get out of the way! Lest you be hobbled in an instant!”
“We will not be hobbled!” one of the penguins shouted. “We have rights!”
“Better find some lefts!” another of the fowl shouted as he dodged to the left when the princess pushed by.
Unfortunately for him, Bean the Bunny in Waiting was the first one through the door at the bottom of the tower. “Phew!” he huffed with relief. “I’m finally fr—”
Before the poor rabbit could finish his sentence, he was vehemently trampled from behind by the princess as she darted towards her castle.
The rest of the group soon began to make their way out of the tower. “What do we do now, your majesty?” Annie Sue asked in a nervous tone.
Bean, somehow unharmed after being stepped on by a rather portly pig princess (yes, I have a helmet on), hopped up. “What else?” he asked. “A snappy song and dance number!”
The penguins formed a chorus line and Bean, arm linked with the Swedish Chef, slid into the front. “Ohhhhh!” the penguin chorus harmonized.
“Tommy used to work on the docks,” Bean sang.
“Union’s been on strike, he’s down on his luck it’s tough.”
“So tough!” the penguins chimed in.
“Hold it! Hold everything! Stop the music!”
Dr. Teeth (Dr. Teeth?), seemingly out of nowhere (certainly not out of somewhere) rushed in shouting for the music to cease. “So sorry bunny man, but we’ve got dibs on this particular performance,” the toothy musician said.
“Aww!” Bean moaned. “But… but we’ve got penguins!”
The band leader scratched his chin slowly. “Mmm… nope. Sorry. Don’t want to upset the narrator by discombobulating the songs.” (No, you certainly wouldn’t want to do that… but jumping into a scene you don’t belong in is fine…)
“Oh, fine,” Bean said with disappointment. “Well when are you singing it?”
“As soon as we jump to the next scene,” Dr. Teeth said.
Princess Piggy, silent and unseen long enough, cleared her throat loudly. “Pardone moi, Docteur,” the princess cooed sweetly, “but you’re stealing my scene!” she hissed.
The good doctor’s glasses (or are they eyelids?) shot up in shock. “Unintentionally, I assure you, Miss P.,” Dr. Teeth said. “I was just headin’ out. Just gotta perforate through to the next scene and I’m astray!”
“No way! Moi gets one scene in this chapter and I am not giving it up for some musical number no matter what vous say!” Piggy said angrily.
“Well, most fortunately it isn’t based on what I articulate. Mister Narrator, if you’re feeling so inclined?” Dr. Teeth asked no one (don’t I have a high perception of myself?).
Might as well. This scene is already gone the way of the dodo anyhow.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Kermit was almost certain that even if he tried, he wouldn’t be able to remove his hands from the reins they were wrapped around. The dragon, the horse, and the frog, had been playing a game of keep away (from the flames) for awhile now. And, brave and valiant knight or not, Kermit wasn’t about to let loose the reins.
“Sheesh,” Kermit mumbled, “I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this!”
The horse, obviously feeling miffed for doing all the work in this relationship, rolled his eyes and grunted in an annoyed… tone? Yeah, tone works.
“But if I let go of the rein,” Kermit said, “then it’ll almost certainly ruin my chance of ever having a reign.” He groaned haughtily. “At least there’s no rain.”
Funny as that pun may have been, Mother Nature most certainly was not in the mood for a laugh. (It was her time of the month.) (Mid-April.) The sky above let out a bellowing roar as huge, black clouds formed overhead and rain drops began to fall on the frog and his hulking nemesis in toe (flipper).
Kermit scrunched up his helmeted-face. “Perfect. Someone up there must have something against me,” he muttered. (Well… not against him, per se, that someone up there just knows how to add suspense to as scene. I’m also a mean tap-dancer.)
Fortunately for the brave and valiant knight, an odd rock formation appeared just ahead of him. Two large, almost mountain-sized structures sat parallel from each other with a large canyon lying between, just wide enough for a frog on a horse to slip through and just thin enough for a hulking red lobster-dragon thing to get stuck in.
“What an unbelievable coincidence!” Kermit said. “We’re home-free!”
Behind him, a huge fireball blasted out of the dragon’s mouth and hurtled towards the horse. The horse narrowly jumped out of the way, knocking Kermit off and onto the ground. He shook off the shock of falling and stood up quickly. “Note to self, don’t follow the script when there are lines like that,” he mumbled.
Soon enough, the dragon loomed over the frog once again. Kermit gulped loudly. He stared up into the two huge eye stalks of the dragon and slowly grabbed his sword from his waist. He hoisted it up towards the dragon (up being about a foot into the air, which put its point about 18 feet away from the dragon’s vitals). “Stand down, beast!” he shouted. “Or… I’ll make you sit down!”
The dragon roared loudly and shot a beam of fire directly at Kermit’s sword. Kermit lowered it as he watched it quickly melt away to a pile of silver goo. “Good grief!” he shouted. “Well, when the going gets tough…”
The frog quickly whipped around and began running as fast as he could towards the rock opening. “…The tough run for their lives!” the frog finished as he sprinted. “Horse! Horse! Anytime now!” he shouted as he ran and the dragon pursued.
The horse, smarter than most, hid behind a bush (which he munched on), hoping the frog wouldn’t see him.
Figuring that his horse was indeed not coming to his rescue, Kermit groaned and picked up speed. “Halfway there!” he assured himself.
“Whoa-oh! Livin’ on a prayer!”
Kermit and the dragon both stopped suddenly and looked around.
“Hey, man, don’t stop!” Floyd shouted from off to the side of the open field where the Candlelight Mayhem was set up to perform (under a tarp, however; you won’t like Animal when he’s wet). “This is chase music!”
“Fer sure,” Janice said with a nod. “And, like, fer once we’re on cue!”
“BON-JO-VI!” Animal shouted.
“Right on!” Floyd said. “Two, three, four!”
The band picked up the song where they left off. The frog and the dragon both shrugged and continued to run.
“Oh, we’re halfway there,” Floyd heartily, plucking his bass.
“Whoa-oh! Livin’ on a prayer!”
“Take my hand,
And we’ll make it, I swear.”
“Whoa-oh! Livin’ on a prayer!”
“This is ridiculous!” Kermit shouted as he ran.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Clueless Morgan and Mad Monty, who had climbed to the top of the left rock formation that Kermit was running towards, stopped and looked at each other.
“Do you hear that music, too?” Monty asked.
Clueless nodded. “But I always hear music in my head.”
Mad Monty sighed. “I was afraid of that.” He shook his head. “I always knew your idiocy would rub off one day!”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Uncle Deadly sighed as he watched his minions fight (and lose to) Sweetums at the top of the tower. “Of course I can’t get the strong minions,” he bemoaned. “I wonder if those other nincompoops have roasted that pig yet.”
The dark wizard swiftly swooped over to his crystal ball and peered into it. Heavy music suddenly filled the room. “Oh, I love this song,” he said. He looked deeper into the orb and hissed. “What is he doing? Toast the pig, not the frog! Hot dogs, not hot frogs!”
“Polly, you stupid lobster, leave the frog alone!” Deadly shouted into the crystal.
The lobster-dragon roared mightily and the crystal suddenly went black while the music remained in the room.
Uncle Deadly’s mouth fell open. “He hung up on me!” the wizard shouted. “How could he hang up on me? Unless… he has completely cleared his mind of thought! …Probably wasn’t too hard.” Deadly growled, then sighed. “Ah well, at least the music is enjoyable.”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Clifford, Gonzo, Fozzie, Scooter, and Camilla, now outside the blacksmith shop and feeling slightly guilty for sending the frog out alone (and probably trying to restore the dashingly handsome narrator’s faith in them), ran towards Kermit and the dragon.
“Man, do you even think Kermit has a plan?” Clifford asked.
“Well, if I was in his shoes…” Gonzo said.
“I don’t think he wears shoes,” Fozzie added.
“…Well if he did, and I was in them, I know that I would have a plan.”
Scooter tilted his head. “And what would that be?”
“I’d throw Kermit’s shoes at the dragon!” Gonzo declared.
“But then you wouldn’t be in his shoes anymore,” Fozzie said.
“Exactly!” Gonzo shouted gleefully. “Then I could change into my shoes and run at it head-on! Ha ha ha!”
“Brawk bawk bawgaw?” Camilla asked, ignoring Gonzo’s comment.
“What’d she say?” Scooter asked.
Gonzo scratched his head. “She wants to know if we have a plan.”
The runners stopped. “I knew we forgot something,” Clifford said.
“We also forgot Link back in the shop,” Fozzie said.
“That was on purpose,” Clifford said with a smirk.
“Well, plan or not,” Scooter started, “at least the music’s good!”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Kermit, no longer halfway there, exerted his last bit of flipper force as he approached the opening of the chasm in front of him. He stopped at the entrance and turned to face the dragon. “Hey! Come and get me, flame-breath!” he shouted.
The dragon shot out another fireball in Kermit’s direction. “Yeesh!” He jumped, and then ran between the rocks, dodging the heat and praying the dragon followed.
Polly, the dragon (in case you’d forgotten), would have mentally judged the size of the crevice before him and he soon would have realized that it was far too thin for him to fit through. Unfortunately, he couldn’t do that because he emptied his mind in order to cut off his annoying boss.
As Polly ran forward and trapped himself between the two mounds, he very much regretted that decision.
He also regretted not filling Mad Monty and Clueless Morgan in on his plan, because they stood on the left mound above him and pushed a rather large boulder right on top of his head.
Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight, took off his helmet and stared into the dragon’s unconscious eye-stalks. “Gee,” he said, “I guess I didn’t need a sword after all.”
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I HAVE been thinking about this story a whole lot, though. So... I dunno, we'll see what happens. I'll try to work on it soon. Sorry everybody! 
