Chapter 23
Uncle Deadly laughed maniacally as he watched the chaos that his giant Polly Dragon was causing in the forested area around the small blacksmith shop. “Excellent. This is going to be fun.” The dark wizard whipped his head around to smirk at his minions. “Anyone up for roasted pig?” he asked with a wicked grin.
“Ooh! Me, me!” Andy Pig shouted.
Randy nudged his twin. “No, dummy! You’re on a diet, remember?”
Andy scratched his head. “Oh yeah…”
Princess Piggy, who was still tied in chains in a corner of Uncle Deadly’s tower, rolled her eyes. “They’re dumb even by Middle Ages standards…” she grumbled.
Uncle Deadly glanced towards the princess and the rest of his prisoners. “Why are they still in here? Didn’t I order one of you to take them to the dungeon?” he asked his followers.
Bobo, Crazy Harry, Johnny, Sal, Andy, and Randy all exchanged looks. “I don’t… think so, boss,” Bobo finally said.
“Well I meant to!” the wizard shouted. “I really thought you would be able to anticipate my whim by now. I am not pleased.” He hissed with a stern glare.
All of Deadly’s minions gulped and flinched. “So… does that mean you want us to take ‘em to the dungeon?” Sal asked.
Uncle Deadly sighed. “I thought I sent the stupid minions to find the frog…” he muttered. “Yes, you bumbling fools! Take them to the dungeon now!”
“Oh!” Bobo shouted. “Yessir!” The bear turned and looked at all of the prisoners. “Um… Alright boys, everybody take equal weight. I’ll take the princess; you guys divide up the others to add up to her weight.”
“WHAT?” Piggy shouted. “That’s it!”
Finally ready for her big scene, Princess Piggy put all of her strength into her arms and pushed out against the metal chains as hard as she could. Her face made her look as if she was about to implode (or explode—how do you really tell the difference once the person has exp/imploded?). As the rest of the tower stared on silently, the metal began to pull apart and suddenly and powerfully the iron chain snapped apart, sending small pieces of it scattering throughout the tower.
Before Uncle Deadly could draw his wand, the princess leapt forward. “HI-YA!” she howled as she let her foot collide with Bobo’s chest, knocking the bear twice her size straight to the ground.
The wizard had, by now, drawn his wand. But before he could cast a spell on the pig, she had hoisted the bear up by his thick coat of hair and tossed him directly into Uncle Deadly.
Princess Piggy nonchalantly tossed a curl of hair out of her face and moved over to her followers. She gripped onto the chains with her glossy pink gloves and pulled. Iron once again fell onto the floor (and those without shoes [which was a lot of those] had to watch their steps again).
“Let’s go!” Piggy shouted.
“That was amazing!” Robin said with a huge grin.
The princess tossed her hair behind her nonchalantly. “Did vous expect any less from moi?” she asked. “Now c’mon, let’s get out of here.”
Piggy’s entourage followed close behind her as she moved towards the exit.
Uncle Deadly managed to push Bobo off of his chest and prop himself up by his elbow. He glared at the escaping prisoners then quickly turned to his brain-washed subjects. “Don’t just stand there, you fools! After them!” he hissed.
Princess Piggy glanced over her shoulder and rolled her eyes as her once-loyal servants came barreling towards her. “Sweetums, dear, would vous mind terribly?” she asked the hulking guard sweetly.
Sweetums cracked his massive knuckles and punched his own palm. “My pleasure,” he muttered before taking a step with his huge foot towards the charging chumps.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
“Wait, so you don’t weld the metal onto the body?” Gonzo asked, sounding shocked.
Clifford put down his large mallet and raised his shrapnel-glasses. He cocked his head at the duke and shook his head. “Man, are you serious?” the blacksmith asked.
Gonzo shrugged. “Not often,” he responded.
Clifford rolled his eyes and pulled his glasses back down and continued hammering on a piece of malleable metal with an odd amount of haste.
Fozzie peered out of the blackened, ashy window of the metal worker’s shack and bit his bottom lip nervously. “You’d better hurry, Clifford. I don’t know how much longer Link can distract that dragon!”
“He’s a distraction?” Clifford asked without looking up from his work. “I thought the pig was live bait!” he said, laughing at himself.
With the sound of metal being pounded echoing through his head, Kermit the Brave and Valiant Frog-Knight stared blankly out of the same window Fozzie did. Every so often he would flinch or duck down beneath the window pane, only to rise up again shaking violently.
Fozzie observed this trend and quickly pulled the frog into a tight hug. “Oh, frog of my heart, my once and future king, don’t worry!” the bear said. “You’ll be fine!”
“Thanks Fozzie,” Kermit mumbled. “I’m just a little nervous.”
“Nervous?” Fozzie asked. “The Kermit the Frog I know is never nervous!”
Kermit scrunched up his face and looked up at the bear. “You’ve only known me for a few days, Fozzie.”
“And you haven’t been nervous once!” Fozzie said.
The knight smirked and shrugged. “I just can’t shake the feeling that—”
“You can’t shake it?” Fozzie asked. “Well then, allow me!”
Fozzie wrapped his paws around Kermit’s spindly arms and shook him forcefully for a few seconds. “Better?” the bear asked as he finally let go off the frog.
Kermit, still shaking, shook his head slowly. “N-n-not at all,” he said shakily.
The bear shrugged. “Well I had to try,” he said.
Kermit shook his head. “I appreciate it Fozzie. But I still can’t get past the feeling that if I go out there and face that… thing, I’ll be—”
“Finished!”
Kermit and Fozzie turned to stare at Clifford who wiped his brow. “What?” he asked, looking at the frog and the bear. “I’m done with the armor.”
The brave and valiant (and shaken, not stirred) frog gulped. “Well… here goes nothing,” he said softly.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Clueless and Mad Monty laughed uproariously as they watched Link, Strangepork, and his horses run wildly around the open field as Polly the Lobster-Dragon chased after them relentlessly.
“Ah ha ha!” Monty cackled. “This is better than the town hanging!”
“And we didn’t even have to frame anybody to see it,” Clueless said.
“Oh, the boss is going to love us after this!” Mad Monty said happily.
Clueless scratched his head. “You mean he doesn’t already?”
Monty stared up at the goat. “You really think he likes you when he calls you an idiot every other sentence?”
The clueless Clueless shrugged. “Mother always told me it was a term of endearment,” he said.
Monty shook his head. “That explains so much.”
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Kermit, now covered from head to toe in slightly worn armor, took a deep breath as he stared at the closed door before him.
“Ready, boss?” Scooter asked.
“As I’ll ever be,” the frog responded.
“Try not to take too many hits out there, Kerm,” Clifford said. “That armor ain’t built to protect you or anything.”
Kermit stared at Clifford. “It’s armor—isn’t that what armor’s for?” he asked.
“Not when you’re workin’ with scrap metal and fifteen minutes!” the blacksmith said. “Just dodge—a lot. You’re a frog, just keep hoppin’ and you’ll be fine.”
“Right,” Kermit said softly.
“Good luck, Kermit,” Fozzie said, encouraging his best friend. “Go get ‘em!”
“Yeah!” Gonzo said. “And if you happen to get scorched and survive, you have to let me know how it feels! Every time I’ve tried it, I’ve died.”
“That’s not reassuring or logical, Gonzo,” Kermit said.
“Thanks!” the weirdo said with wide, excited eyes.
Kermit sighed. “If I don’t make it back… tell the princess I’m sorry and tell Robin I love him… and make me sound brave and valiant.”
The frog reached his metal-covered hand forward and opened the door.
As soon as the door opened, Link, Strangepork, and the horses all came darting through, nearly knocking over Kermit and the others.
Clifford and Scooter rolled their eyes. “Some prince you are,” Scooter said.
Link sat in a corner, grasping his knees and rocking back and forth. “Momma!” he moaned.
Kermit shook his head, stepped outside, and shut the door behind him.
Before he could take more than five steps forward, he was looking directly at the dragon’s dark red torso. The dragon stood before the frog on his two hind legs. It growled down at the frog, who squirmed slightly before running as fast has he could (which wasn’t very fast, considering the large mass of scrap metal he was holding up on his person [amphibian]) around the dragon.
“Why did I ever agree to this?” he asked himself as he ran. “I’m not a knight! I’m just a humble frog!”
Before anyone could answer (who would answer?) the frog, four galloping feet appeared alongside him. Kermit grinned as he saw his horse trotting next to the frog. “You really are a good horse!” the frog said with a grin. The horse came to a quick stop and Kermit mounted upon him, thrusting his sword into the sky. “Beware, ye dragon! Or face the power of Kermit the Frog, brave and valiant knight!”
The dragon didn’t flinch at Kermit’s threat. In fact, it didn’t even notice. The dragon hadn’t followed Kermit as he ran. Instead, the hulking crimson beast started to attack the blacksmith shop.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “How am I supposed to defeat my inner-dragon when the outer one won’t even acknowledge me?” he asked. Kermit cracked the horse’s reins and charged toward the dragon. “Stay away from my friends!” he shouted.
With a quick slash of his shining sword, he attacked the dragon, who screeched in pain. The massive beast turned (the horse’s quick feet galloped out of the way of the swinging tail) and roared at the frog and his horse. “Well… that got his attention,” Kermit muttered to himself. “Hey! Dragon breath! Come and get me!” he shouted at the creature.
Its pride insulted, the dragon fell down on all fours and let out a massive roar directly in front of Kermit and the horse.
Kermit coughed. “Uch, I forgot that breath mints haven’t been invented yet…” he said. “Now would be the time to run, horse,” Kermit said.
The horse nodded and did a quick about face, running away from the dragon.
This time, however, it followed.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
“Hey, what’s Polly doing?” Clueless asked. “I thought he was supposed to leave the frog alive!”
“He is,” Monty said. “If he kills the frog, the boss will never like us!”
“Well we have to stop this!”
“Stop our own cohort?”
“I want the boss to love me!”
“Good point.”
Clueless and Monty let out a shout as they too charged toward the dragon.
<-> <-> <-> <-> <->
Clifford, Scooter, Fozzie, Gonzo, and the others all watched from the windows of the shack.
“You think he can pull this off, dude?” Clifford asked Scooter.
“Of course!” the squire said. “He’s the bravest and most valiant knight I know.”
“So I’ve heard…” Clifford muttered.
“You know, there’s something I still don’t get,” Gonzo said.
“What’s that?” Fozzie asked.
“Why did we send Kermit out there?” he asked. “I would have done it and enjoyed it!”
The shack was silent for a moment as everyone reassessed their idea. (Even though it’s obvious that Kermit had to fight the dragon so that he is finally be able to prove to himself that he’s worthy of the princess’s love and worthy of being king. It’s really a huge character-development moment for him and I’m shocked that they don’t realize it. Honestly, it’s probably the moment when Kermit really comes to terms with himself and gains the confidence he’ll need to face Uncle Deadly and save the kingdom. Come on, guys, it’s character writing 101…)
“Ah, shut up!” Clifford shouted.
Well! I’d never! You know what? Fine. I will shut up.
“Is that the end?”
“Good going, Clifford! You turned the narrator against us!”
“Hey, man, it’s not my fault he’s so sensitive! He was borin’ the audience!”
“Maybe we should just stop talking and give everyone some space.”
“He’s an omniscient voice—he’s got nothin’ but space!”
“Speaking of which, what’s an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar! Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!”
“What’s an astronaut?”
“What’s a computer?”
“What are we doing still talking when the narrator has quit on us?”
“So… what, we should just stop talking?”
“I think if we do the chapter will end.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“But—”
“Shh!”
“How will we—”
“Just be quiet! We’ll figure it out later!”
“But Kermit is still—”
“The frog can handle himself. Now, shh!”
…Well, that’s one way to end the chapter.
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