Muppet Fan-Fiction: Weddings Are Disastrous

[theprawncracker]

Seriously, where do you come up with this stuff, Prawnie? It's incredible!

*shrug* personal experience, maybe?

 

[AnimatedC9000]

You broke up with your girlfriend by reciting a revised version of the Declaration? Amazing... I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Prawnie! *laughs*

 

[theprawncracker]

You broke up with your girlfriend by reciting a revised version of the Declaration? Amazing... I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Prawnie! *laughs*

Well I don't. 'Cause I broke up with her using the Declaration of Independence.

Kidding, of course. I don't have a girlfriend. ...I don't think. *pause* ...Hmm.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 25

A month.

Kermit told Scooter to plan the bachelor party for one month from that day.

It had been a month.

Meaning… one month until the wedding. Kermit sighed nervously… happily.

The frog had spent most of that month focusing on finishing the script. He was nearly finished with it. The script just needed… something else.

No… not more frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and stuff… an ending.

The script needed an ending—a huge, spectacular finale. One with music—new music—and Muppets—loads of Muppets! Quite frankly, it needed to be big.

Luckily, the Muppets were good with big.

Kermit rapped his fingers lightly on the keys, so they didn’t actually type anything. He stared down at the last line—it was one of his. He scratched his chin thoughtfully. He reached forward and typed Pepe a line. “Hmm…” Kermit said aloud. “This is our first big-screen movie in nearly ten years…” Kermit hit the backspace button numerous times, and then typed Rowlf a line. He smiled. “The fan’s’ll like that.”

Someone knocked on his bedroom door. He quickly saved the script and closed his laptop. “Come in!” he called.

Miss Piggy poked her head in. “Kermie dear, ‘tis moi!” she said happily.

Kermit smiled. “I didn’t expect anything less,” he said.

“Oh Kermie,” Piggy laughed airily. “Everything is less than moi.”

The frog smirked. “I know,” he said. “You’ve told me.”

“Oh I know,” Miss Piggy said. “I just need to make sure you remember.”

“How could I forget,” Kermit sighed.

Miss Piggy looked around the room. “What are you doing in here, mon capitan?”

Kermit squirmed. “Erm… just getting ready for the party tonight,” he lied.

“I see,” Miss Piggy said, seeming distracted. “And you promise there won’t be anything that moi would find…” she cleared her throat. “Disturbing?”

“Of course not!” Kermit spat out without needing a second thought.

“Mm-hm…” Miss Piggy said, not convinced. “Are vous sure?”

Kermit didn’t want to lie again… but he did not want to tell the truth. “Positive,” he lied again.

“Mm,” Miss Piggy hummed, starting to rub her fingers on Kermit’s shoulder, making him tingle. “Good.”

Kermit wiped his head and gulped. “V-very good,” he managed to mumble.

“And you’re sure?” she asked again, her fingers dancing along his shoulders. She knew she didn’t need to remind Kermit of what he needed to be sure of—he was green putty in her gloved hands.

“A-absolutely,” Kermit said, his putty-self held in a nice little puddle in Piggy’s palms. “Scooter’s planning it.”

“That’s what moi has heard,” Miss Piggy said, retracting her fingers from Kermit’s body. “I just wanted to hear it from you.”

Kermit recovered himself from the fingers of Miss Piggy upon him. “Yes well,” he said, clearing his throat quietly, “I’m sure everything will be up to your standards Miss Piggy.”

Miss Piggy smiled, contently, and pecked Kermit on the top of his head. “I’m sure it will be, mon capitan,” she said. “Well, I’m off then! Moi and the girls are headed out tonight—we don’t want to interrupt your manly party.”

“Have a good night,” Kermit said.

“You too, my gorgeous green hunk,” she said, now standing in the doorway. “Don’t emasculate the other men too much, hmm?”

Kermit smirked. “I’ll try not to.”

Miss Piggy blew Kermit a kiss and he “caught” it on his cheek and waved back at her cutely. (He was lucky none of the guys were there to see that.)

Miss Piggy grinned once more at her fiancé the frog. “Bye!” she said finally, before running off down the hall.

Kermit listened as her heels clacked along the stairs and waited for the front door to open and close. He let out a sigh of relief when it did, and then pulled out his cell phone. It had been vibrating while he was talking to Miss Piggy and didn’t want to interrupt her (or her fingers).

He stared down at the screen and was glad he didn’t answer. Kermit dialed his voicemail box and put the phone up to his head.

He sat back down at his desk, holding the phone between his head and shoulder, and reopened his laptop. He was just about to open up his word processing software when he dropped the phone and his mouth fell open.

“A month?” Kermit croaked. “But that’s the—why did it have to be that day?”

~-~-~-~-~

Rizzo watched out the window as the girls drove away in Kermit’s car. Rizzo clapped his hands together and snickered. “D’ey’re gone!” he shouted. “Party time!”

The rat jumped down from the window sill and ran over to the door to the kitchen. He poked his tiny head in and shouted, “The dames are gone so let’s eat!”

A flurry of felt filled the Muppet Boarding House at that moment as Muppets from all nooks and crannies filled up the living room and devoured the hors devours waiting on the coffee table.

Kermit wandered downstairs last, smiling at all of his friends gathered in one room, eating his food. (He’s a weird frog, but I’m not complaining.) He made his way into the living room and was greeted most… loudly.

“Hey, hey! It’s the frog of the hour!”

“Great, he’s here! Now we can eat!”

“We already ate.”

“Shh!”

“It’s the big frog on campus—descending from on high to mingle with us commoners! Hah hah!”

“Oh good, de frog es here—now where’s de—”

Dr. Teeth lunged his long arm forward and wrapped his green hand around Pepe’s face. The keyboardist pulled the prawn back towards his chest and motioned for him to be silent. “That, my prawnie little pal, is a secret,” said the good doctor, releasing Pepe.

Pepe reached up and messed with his tuft of hair. “Hmph! Secret for who? Everybody knows, hokay!”

“Except the frog in chief,” Dr. Teeth said, grinning wildly.

Pepe snickered. “Oh I see, I see. Jou are a very sneaky man, hokay!”

“Comes with the territory,” said Dr. Teeth, flashing another grin.

After being bombarded with greetings and jokes, Kermit found a comfortable spot in the middle of the couch. “This is great guys,” said the frog with a sincere smile. “I wasn’t really expecting one of these parties—at my age the term bachelor is used very loosely!”

“With you and Miss P. it was always used loosely!” declared Floyd with his raspy laugh following suit.

Croaker pushed through the crowd and plopped down on the couch next to Kermit, throwing his arm around Kermit’s shoulders. “I’m just glad Kerm finally settled down and found somebody,” he said. “Lemme tell ya… after he sprouted legs we were all worried he’d never get a girl!”

“Why’s that?” Fozzie inquired innocently.

“’Cause when Kerm sprouted legs, so did all the girls—so they could run away when froggy went a courtin’!” Croaker said, laughing heavily.

The living room filled with laughter and Kermit smirked. “Well,” he said defensively, “they were only running because they saw you walking behind me,” he told Croaker. The blue frog turned red and retracted his arm from around Kermit’s shoulders as the laughter in the room was now aimed at him.

“Well I think it’s hard to believe any girl would ever run away from Kermit here,” Fozzie said, sitting on the other side of Kermit and grabbing him by the shoulder.

“Yeah, think of all the big name celebrities he’s worked with over the years!” Lew Zealand said.

“Julie Andrews,” Scooter said.

“Kylie Minogue,” Johnny Fiama added, a slight growl at the end of the name.

“Linda Ronstadt!” Gonzo said.

Wolf whistles, nudges, and winks flooded Kermit. He blushed and sunk down in the couch seat.

“They’re all probably in the Witness Protection Program after working with Kermit though,” Rowlf said.

Everyone turned and looked at Rowlf, surprised at this snide remark directed towards Kermit.

Rowlf shrugged. “How else could they be sure Miss Piggy wouldn’t find ‘em?”

Laughter erupted again. Bobo the Bear emerged from the kitchen carrying a large plastic cooler with both hands and set it on the floor. He chuckled with the others, even though he missed the joke. “Alright, who wants a soda?” he asked.

The next few minutes consisted of Bobo tossing cans of soda around the room to various Muppets (and Animal catching some of the cans in his mouth, biting down, and becoming, suddenly, very sticky).

There was a knock at the door and everyone in the room silenced—much to Kermit’s surprise. He shrugged and started to get up off the couch. “I’ll g—”

“No!” Dr. Teeth and Pepe shouted at once.

“Don’t worry your flippery little self,” Dr. Teeth said.

“Si, si, we’ll get de door, hokay,” Pepe said, totally suspicious.

The flamboyant musician and the prawn darted towards the door and pushed each other out of the way in their fight for the doorknob. “Hey, hey, hey!” Dr. Teeth shouted, calming the crustacean. “Observe.” The good doctor waggled his ringed fingers around. “Can you do that?” he asked.

Pepe stared down at his four hands (Twelve! Twelve fingers! Ah! Ah! Ah!). “Fine,” he said. “Jou answer the door. See if I care. I’ll win her over later, hokay.”

Dr. Teeth laughed victoriously and reached forward, opening the door.

“Hel-lo there! It is I, Grover! Here for the party!”

Dr. Teeth and Pepe’s mouths fell open as they stared at the colorful bunch of preschool characters standing on the front porch in front of them.

“Hi,” Big Bird said, leaning down do wave at Dr. Teeth and Pepe. “Can we come in? I brought birdseed bars!” He added, holding up a brown paper bag.

Dr. Teeth and Pepe stepped out of the way and Big Bird, Elmo, Ernie, Bert, Grover, and the rest of the male Sesame Street denizens filed into the Boarding House.

“Bad,” Dr. Teeth spat out, coming out of his shock. “Very bad.”

“Not good, hokay!” Pepe shouted.

“Which is bad!” Dr. Teeth said, grabbing Pepe by his shoulders and shaking him. (His “eyelids” were permanently raised.)

“What’re you guys doing here?” Gonzo asked Gordon curiously.

“I invited them,” Kermit said. Dr. Teeth bit his lip nervously. “They’re just as welcome as everyone else!”

“Except the girls!” Elmo said. “Gordon told Elmo this party is no girls allowed!”

“Except for—” Link started.

“Except for lady luck!” Dr. Teeth cried out quickly. “Who’s up for some poker?”

“Gambling?” Kermit asked. “With kids here?”

Dr. Teeth squirmed. “Well, uh…”

“We don’t have to bet anything,” Gordon suggested. “It’s all just for fun.”

Kermit smiled. “Alright,” he agreed. “Dr. Teeth, do you have the cards?”

“No…” Dr. Teeth said. “They’re… in the bus. Be right back—don’t alleviate my presence from your minds.” Dr. Teeth turned to Pepe, “Stall!” he whispered frantically. The normally calm doctor turned and darted out the front door, leaving Pepe standing in the hallway.

“Um…” he said. “Who’s up for some Twister, hokay?”

~-~-~-~-~

Dr. Teeth twiddled his thumbs nervously, standing in the driveway. He jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder. Turning around, realizing it was just Scooter, he calmed a bit, but not much.

“Didja find the cards?” Scooter asked. “Everyone’s getting antsy—Gonzo keeps winning Twister.”

“Does this surprise ya?” Dr. Teeth asked.

Scooter shook his head. “Just thought I’d let you know. So when do you and the band start setting up?” Dr. Teeth tilted his head to the side. “You… you said you were handling the entertainment for the evening?”

“Mm…” Dr. Teeth hummed, nodding. “You speaketh the truth, o’ ye of no eyeballs.”

Scooter frowned. “Well… then what’s the entertainment?”

Dr. Teeth scratched his head nervously. “To put it most dexterously… I hired someone.”

Scooter tilted his head to the side. “A… clown?” he asked.

“Mm… less funny—same amount of makeup,” Dr. Teeth said.

Scooter’s mouth gaped. “What?” he shouted. “I told you to—Kermit said—SESAME STREET!”

“I told her to wear an Elmo t-shirt!” Dr. Teeth reasoned.

Scooter’s mouth stayed wide open. “You… What were you… Miss Piggy will kill you!”

Dr. Teeth nodded. “Most posilutely—which is why I made everyone else take a vow of silence.”

“Everyone knows?” Scooter asked.

Dr. Teeth scratched his beard, pondering. “No. Not Kermit, of course, and I just couldn’t tell Fozzie. Oh, and you of course.”

“Of course,” Scooter said with a frown. “Well what’re we gonna do?” the go-fer asked frantically. “She’s on ‘er way, and we’ve got a house half full of preschool characters!”

“Which is a predicament I hadn’t pondered upon prior to this par-tay,” Dr. Teeth admitted.

“Well are you pondering it now?” Scooter asked, huffing and puffing.

“Most definitely,” Dr. Teeth said.

“And?”

“We send ‘em into the backyard to… say the alphabet,” Dr. Teeth suggested.

Scooter stared at Dr. Teeth. “Or we send her away so Kermit never finds out!”

“But where’s the fun in that, baby?” Dr. Teeth asked smiling cheekily.

Before Scooter could shout again Kermit’s car pulled up into the driveway. Scooter punched Dr. Teeth’s arm. “Look now,” Scooter hissed. “Miss Piggy’s back—she’s gonna find out! We’re all dead!”

The driver’s side door opened and Skeeter hopped out. Janice came out from the passenger’s seat and walked around the front of the car.

Scooter faked a smile towards Skeeter. “Hey there sis! You’re back early!” he said nervously.

Skeeter smirked at Scooter. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, ya know that?” she told her twin.

“Oh?” Scooter gulped. “Why’s that?”

“Like, you know why,” Janice said, smiling at Scooter. She turned to Dr. Teeth. “Like, we brought tonight’s entertainment.”

Dr. Teeth’s eyes widened. “I don’t think you could’ve possibly—”

“Oh.” Skeeter said. “We did.”

Scooter and Dr. Teeth exchanged extremely nervous glances. “Like, go inside and tell everyone from Sesame Street to go to the backyard, okay?” Janice told the guys.

“What do we—”

“Just tell them to go recite the alphabet or something—this is important,” Skeeter said quickly.

Scooter and Dr. Teeth nodded. They quickly took off towards the house. “They can’t really—do you think they actually—” Scooter sputtered.

Dr. Teeth glanced back towards the car. “Would you honestly put it past ‘em?” he asked, turning the doorknob and reentering the Boarding House with Scooter following in toe.

Skeeter knocked on the back door of the car and pulled it open. “Ready in there?” she asked.

A slightly plump, pink, fishnet covered leg slipped out onto the driveway; the heel of the sleek black shoe clicked against the pavement.

“You have no idea,” growled the entertainment as she stepped out from the car.

 

[AnimatedC9000]

Just got through reading it. Twice.

Oh. Migosh.

This is the funniest bachelor party I've ever read!

All the dialogue and the planning and-- and wait until Ailie reads this chapter! She's gonna SCREAM!

... so, why haven't I screamed already?

Oh yeah, my singing voice...

That, and the fact that most everybody in my house is asleep right now.

... I wanna hug Dr. Teeth so much right now. The poor guy... So nervous.

I can just picture everything in my head. And I'm reacting right along with them.

All in all... I think I'm at a loss for words about this chapter. It's just so amazingly... awesome.

~ AnimatedC

 

[The Count]

Well... Twas bound to happen... LMK when you've moved past this and on to the actual wedding/last chapter. The reasons why I'll keep to myself as I feel it would bring down the Prawn from his literary lair on high.

Bye.

 

[Muppetfan44]

Fantastic as always. I can definitely see Kermit's bachelor party going like this. Great move by Kermit, inviting the Sesame Street males, definitely the perfect way to protect his froggy keister from any surprises, I love it!

Oh, and I am sooooo looking forward to seeing what happens with the "entertainment"

And i'm looking forward to seeing what that phone message was about..judging by Kermit's reaction, it doesn't look good!

Great as always! Please post more soon!

 

[redBoobergurl]

Sesame Street characters? At a bachelor party? LOL, you've got me rolling here Prawnie, that is just hilarious. "We could send them to the backyard and have them say the alphabet". LOL! Can't wait to read more.

 

[TogetherAgain]

Kermit typing Rowlf line THE FANS WILL LIKE THAT! BEARS AND FROGS AND PIGS AND CHICKENS AND STUFF! ...And an ending. Yeah those do tend to come in handy. GREEN PUTTY! And kiss-blowing and catching!

And THIS part!

The living room filled with laughter and Kermit smirked. “Well,u201D he said defensively, “they were only running because they saw you walking behind me,u201D he told Croaker. The blue frog turned red and retracted his arm from around Kermit’s shoulders as the laughter in the room was now aimed at him.

HAPPY TOGA!

And and "Descending from on high to mingle with us commoners." That makes me happy.

SESAME STREET!

ENTERTAINMENT!

ELMO T-SHIRT!

ALPHABET!

Happy Toga. (Also, sleepy and in pain Toga, but that has absolutely nothing to do with the story, so it won't be mentioned. ...Wait... I just mentioned it. ...<shifty eyes>)

MORE PLEASE! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[Colbynfriends]

This sure is muppety i can tell you that. I can't wait to hear about the Phone message and to see who got out of the car. good job Prawnie