Chapter 23
“Date?”
“Check!”
“Groomsmen?”
“Check… check, check, check, check.”
“Catering?”
“Check.”
The Swedish Chef bobbled by backstage, as if on cue.
“Health Department check?” Scooter asked.
Kermit nodded seriously. “Check,” he said.
“That’s my line, boss!” Scooter said.
Kermit shook his head. “Where were we?” he asked the go-fer.
Scooter scanned the clipboard he was holding. “Uh… choir.”
“Right,” Kermit said. “Choir?”
“Check,” Scooter said.
Kermit sighed with relief. “Oh good. I think that’s everything then, Scooter!”
Scooter shook his head. “No it’s not,” he said.
The frog frowned. “It’s not?” he asked with a heavy heart.
“Well ya only missed the most important part!” shouted the go-fer.
“Oh!” Kermit said. “The bride?”
“No!” Scooter shook his head fiercely.
“We don’t have the bride? Well then we certainly can’t have a wedding,” Kermit said.
“No, we have a bride, chief!” Scooter said.
“Well then why didn’t you ‘check’?” Kermit asked.
“I did check!” Scooter said defensively. “That’s how I know we have one!”
“But that’s not the check I wanted!” Kermit said, getting flustered.
“Well of course not—if you wanted a Czech bride, you should’ve checked the internet!” Scooter told the frog.
“Gargh!” Kermit shouted, flailing his arms about, making Scooter jump. “Just tell me what we’re missing!”
“Ch—” Scooter opened his mouth to retort.
“If you say checks you’re fired,” Kermit told his go-fer.
Scooter’s mouth closed and he gulped. “I wouldn’t think of it,” he said.
“Good,” Kermit said, finally calming down. “Now what are we missing?”
“Well a bachelor party, of course, boss!” Scooter said earnestly. “Ya can’t get married without a bachelor party!”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “What do you know about bachelor parties?”
“Do I need to remind you what I know about honeymoons?” Scooter asked with a wink in his voice (trust me… when you don’t have eyelids you make do with whatever you can).
Kermit swallowed hard. “No, thank you,” he told Scooter. “There’s just one problem with this bachelor party idea of yours, kid.”
“What’s that chief?” Scooter asked innocently.
“Miss Piggy.”
“Ah,” Scooter said, nodding. He sat his clipboard down on Kermit’s table. “That’s a good reason.”
“You don’t have to marry her afterwards,” Kermit said.
Scooter nodded. “Hmm,” he said softly. “Well… we’ll just have to keep this secret from her too.”
“Too?” Kermit asked. “Too, oh go-fer of mine, implies two or more secrets.”
Scooter cleared his throat. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, actually,” he said.
“About what?” Kermit asked, nervously baffled.
“The movie,” Scooter said blankly.
Kermit’s face twisted around. “Who else knows?” he asked in a franticly hushed voice.
Scooter shrugged. “Fozzie and Gonzo, I’m pretty sure. Rowlf might—he was with me when a reporter asked about it.”
Kermit sighed with relief. “Oh good… no one with a big mouth,” he said.
“But I guess we were interviewed on TV…” Scooter said.
Kermit did a double take. “Oh good grief!” he shouted. “And everyone was watching that back at the Boarding House!”
Scooter nodded. “What’s the big deal, chief? Why aren’t you telling Miss Piggy?” Scooter looked around carefully. “You’re not thinking putting Angelina Jolie in the lead, are ya?”
“Cameo, maybe,” Kermit said. “I’m not telling her because I’m going to surprise her with the news as a wedding present.”
“Oh,” Scooter said, nodding. “Good idea!”
“Thank you,” Kermit said.
“So you’ll have no problem keeping the bachelor party a secret from her either!” Scooter said.
Kermit shook wildly and turned to Scooter. “I never said—”
“Great!” Scooter declared. “Hey guys, he said yes!” he called out backstage.
Dr. Teeth, Animal, Zoot, Johnny Fiama, Sal, and Link all popped up behind Scooter. “He said yes!” Sal shouted.
“Well alright!” Dr. Teeth declared, showing his titular toothy grin.
“This is gonna be great, eh Sal?” Johnny asked. “Think of it—just us guys hangin’ out and havin’ a good time!”
“Not just the guys, baby,” Dr. Teeth said, his “eyelids” retracting to make him look more excited.
“Woman! Woman!” Animal shouted excitedly.
Kermit scrunched up his face. “Scooter, I’m putting you in charge of this thing,” he said. “And don’t do anything they wouldn’t show on Sesame Street, got it?”
Scooter saluted. “Got it, chief!” he shouted.
“Good,” Kermit said, walking towards the stage. “Oh… and don’t let any of these yim-yams help with the planning.” Kermit motioned towards Dr. Teeth and the others, nodded to Scooter, then continued walking.
“Hmph,” Link said smugly. “I am no yim-yam.”
“Yeah, more like a yo-yo!” Dr. Teeth said, laughing.
“Yo-yo! Yo-yo!”
“So Scooter, my bespectacled compadre,” Dr. Teeth said, approaching the go-fer. “What say you let the band and I handle the entertainment for this most celebratory party of our friend the frog’s farewell to freedom?” Dr. Teeth put his jeweled hand on the kid’s back and grinned convincingly.
“Well… Kermit said I shouldn’t let you guys help…”
“Scooter, baby!” Dr. Teeth said. “Please, this is Dr. Teeth—nothing less than rapturous has ever come from the cerebral cortex of my most distinguished cranium!”
“I think if I understood that I’d beg to differ,” Zoot mumbled.
“Shh!” Link hissed at the saxophonist. “The flashy man is trying to win over Scooter!”
Zoot mumbled something unintelligible and went off to sit somewhere quietly (of course) and probably fall asleep.
“Well…” Scooter said. “Alright Dr. Teeth—but you heard Kermit! Nothing they wouldn’t show on Sesame Street!”
Dr. Teeth grinned wildly and his “glasses” pulled up in his head. “Righteous, little yellow dude! And you can count on the good doctor!” he said, slapping Scooter on the back. “Later!”
Dr. Teeth gave a smooth wave to Scooter as he and the other bachelors strolled off.
Scooter shrugged. “Well… he did say I could count on him—that’s something they’d show on Sesame Street, right?”
~-~-~-~-~
“Uncle Kermit! Uncle Kermit!” Robin called to his uncle as he hopped along the stage towards Kermit.
Kermit smiled. Finally, something free of stress—someone who won’t discuss the wedding, or the movie, or—“Hi-ho there Robin!” he said cheerfully, kneeling down to his nephew’s height. “How are things?”
“Oh they’re fine, Uncle Kermit,” Robin said happily. “But I have two questions for you.”
“Two questions?” Kermit asked. “The game is Twenty Questions, Robin, you’re a little short.”
“Don’t remind me,” Robin sighed, trying to look his tallest.
Kermit smirked. “So what’re your questions, little Robin?” he asked.
“Well… first of all, Uncle Kermit, what’s this I hear about Elmo getting to be the ring-bearer?” Robin asked. “You told me I could be the ring-bearer!”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “And the other question?”
“Are you writing a big part for me in the next movie—so to speak?” Robin asked eagerly.
Kermit decided it would be easiest just to sit down on the stage next to his nephew, so he did. “Any other grievances?” he asked sarcastically.
Robin shook his head. “No, that was two, Uncle Kermit,” he said.
“That’s two! Two grievances! Ah ah ah!” exclaimed The Count as he appeared onstage without warning. Thunder and lightning followed suit.
Kermit and Robin turned to look at The Count. The wam—erm… the vampire shrugged. “I have to make a liwing,” he said. “Ewen if it is as a running gag.”
“I know the feeling,” Fozzie said, running past carrying a noose in his hands.
“Fozzie, what are you doing?” Kermit asked the bear.
Fozzie turned out to face the audience (that was not there) and held out the noose. “Ahh!” he said. “A running gag! Get it? Ahh!”
Kermit and Robin both scrunched up their faces. “Run the other way,” Kermit said, “and take The Count with you.”
As Fozzie and The Count left the stage Robin turned back to Kermit. “Funny enough, Uncle Kermit, that doesn’t answer either of my questions,” he said.
Kermit smiled. “Alright—in order—here are the answers to your questions,” he said. “That’s strictly a rumor and yes, now that you mention, I suppose I am.”
Robin grinned. “Great!” he said happily.
“Now, tell me Robin,” Kermit said to his nephew, “who told you Elmo was going to be the ring bearer?”
Robin shrugged. “I thought I heard it from Elmo—but I could be wrong. I get confused without proper pronouns,” he said.
Kermit laughed lightly. “You get used to it,” he reassured his nephew.
“Oh I know,” Robin said. “That was a joke.”
“We should put you on instead of Fozzie,” Kermit joked.
“No!” Fozzie shouted as he ran back onstage. “Don’t replace the bear!”
“Or the ring bearer!” Robin told Kermit.
“I wouldn’t think of it,” he said. “Either of it.”
Fozzie sighed with relief. “Don’t even joke about that!” he said. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed Kermit, but I am a very insecure bear.”
“I’ve noticed,” Kermit said.
“I thought so,” Fozzie sighed.
Kermit shook his head. “Did you need anything else Robin?” he asked.
“No,” Robin said. “But it was nice to get to spend time with you Uncle Kermit!”
“Aww,” Kermit said with a smile. “It was great to spend time with you too, Robin. And I promise, once everyone’s gone, you and I will get to spend some real time together.”
“Uncle Kermit,” Robin said, “after everyone’s gone you’ll be going on your honeymoon!”
“Oh yeah,” Kermit said. “Um, say, Robin… what do you know about honeymoons?”
Robin scratched his head. “You don’t know where you’re going for yours yet?”
Kermit scrunched up his face. “True,” he said. “Sad but true.”
“Kermit! Robin!” Jimmy the Frog (Kermit’s brother, Robin’s dad—if you couldn’t keep up) said as he entered from stage left. “There you are! I’ve been looking for both of you.”
“Hi dad!” Robin smiled up at Jimmy.
“Hey there Jim-bo,” Kermit said to his brother. “How can I help little bro?”
Jimmy scrunched up his face, much like Kermit. “So you hatched a few seconds before me… rub it in some more, why don’t ya?”
Kermit shrugged. “I figured Maggie doesn’t get to you enough—I try to help out family,” he said.
“You try to help out everyone,” Fozzie said.
“True,” Kermit said.
“Sad but true,” Jimmy added.
Kermit frowned. “I just said that.”
“Sorry,” Jim said sheepishly. “Anyway, Kermit I was just coming to tell you to look after your friend the blue monster.”
Kermit tilted his head to the side. “You’re going to have to be more specific than that—we get all sorts of those types around here.”
“The hungry one,” Jim said quickly.
“Ah,” Kermit nodded. “Cookie Monster. What seems to be the problem?”
“He’s trying to eat your nieces and nephews.”
Kermit jumped to his feet. “Hubba-hubba-wha?”
“The bald headed guy thinks he might think they’re Mexican jumping beans,” Jimmy explained.
“But they’re green,” Fozzie said.
Jimmy shrugged. “Jumping lima beans.”
“Sheesh!” Kermit said. “I think the healthy food initiative has finally been taken too far!”
“What do we do Uncle Kermit?” Robin asked.
Kermit sprung into action (without even jumping!). “Jimmy, run down to the canteen and ask the Chef for all the cookies he has,” Kermit told his brother.
“All of ‘em?” Jimmy asked.
“Yes, we’ll need ‘em!” Kermit said. “Fozzie, Robin, come with me—and hurry!”
As Kermit, Fozzie, Robin, and Jimmy ran off, a small blue head peeked out from behind the upper curtains and looked down. “Hmm, this oughta be good!” Waldo said. The 3-D bug-like creature buzzed out from behind the curtains and followed Kermit and the others.
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