Your Favorite Jokes

[That Announcer]

Folks, if there's one thing we could all use a little more of, it's humor. So, this thread was started as a place to put up all your favorite jokes. I'll begin with a favorite of mine:

Murphy went to the doctor, and he was thoroughly examined. The doctor asked him, "Do you smoke?"; Murphy answered, "Yes, I smoke eighty cigarettes a day". The doctor replied, "Well, you've only got three months to live". Murphy said, "Hey, I want a second opinion!" The doctor said, "You're ugly."

 

[foofoocakes]

I only have one joke that I remember.

Why do sea gulls fly by the sea?

If they flew by the bay they would be Bay Gulls (bagels)

 

[Vic Romano]

Warning - Fart Joke Ahead

A little old lady visits the doctor with a few minor concerns.

"Doc" the old lady says with a touch of enthusiasm, "I wanna' talk t'you about a coupla' things goin' on with me. It's nuthin' serious at all, but I think y'should be aware of it. Y'see; I got gas... LOTS of it, only they don't smell an' y'can't hear 'em. Why as a matter o' fact, I've ripped about twelve of 'em since I been standin' here, butcha' didn't notice cause' like I says, they don't smell an' y'can't hear 'em!"

"I see." the doc states.

"Like I says, I don't think it's a big deal" the old lady boasts, "but I thought I'd mention it."

"Okay" the doc says turning to his prescription pad, "I'm going to write you a prescription here and I'd like to see you a week after you start taking it."

So the old woman leaves, fills the perscription and returns a week later, a bit angry and confused.

"Doc!" she howels, "Whad'ja' do to me! I still cut the cheese as much as I did last I saw you and they're still silent as a church mouse... but... but now they smell like raw sewage that's been cookin' for days on top of a dead skunk! What did you give me that did this!?"

"Well," the good doctor says with a smirk; "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's see what we can do about your hearing."

 

[Gonzo14]

I only have one joke that I remember.

Why do sea gulls fly by the sea?

If they flew by the bay they would be Bay Gulls (bagels)

Did you get that from The Brak Show

 

[Ziffel]

Let me substitute some muppets in this joke for fun:

Ernie, Bert, and Farley were stranded on an island. They find a bottle with a genie in it. They let the genie out, and she says they get three wishes granted for releasing her from the bottle. And since there are three of them they can each get one wish. Farley says, "Oh boy! I wish I was back home!" And *POOF* Farley is gone from the island and back home instantly. Bert then says, "Oh me too, genie! I wish I was back home again so bad!" Once again, *POOF* and Bert is back in his apartment. Ernie looks around very troubled. The genie says, "Well, what is your wish?" Ernie says, "Wow, it's awful lonely here now. I wish Bert and Farley were back here."

 

[foofoocakes]

No. It's been ratteling around my head for years.

 

[Ziffel]

Here's an old favorite. Fun to use the person you're telling it to as the third person in the joke. I'll insert myself as the fall guy in this one.

There was a cave in a secluded area where a lot of pigs dwelled. One day a man happened to hike over near the cave and out of curiosity decided to go in to explore. Minutes later, due to the stench being so bad from the pigs, he hastily exited coughing and hacking. About a month later another individual was walking nearby and also decided to take a look inside the cave. He too, could not stand the smell and quickly left with much coughing and hacking.
A few weeks later Ziffel (me) walked a great distance until he came across the cave. He likewise was interested in checking it out so he went in. A few moments later, all the pigs in the cave ran out coughing and hacking and squealing!

 

[That Announcer]

Here's three:

A man entered a mental hospital, wanting to do a little research on the way the mentally ill lived. He went into a common room, approached a man sitting in the corner of the room and said, "Hi, I'm Adam. What's your name?" The man answered, "I am Napoleon!" Adam said, "Now who told you that?" The man answered again, "God told me." Just then a man piped up from across the room and barked, "I did not!"

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It was the first day of kindergarten in a Catholic school. The students filed in, sang the National Anthem, said their prayers and class began. The first thing the teacher did was to point to one kid named Jim and ask, "Where is God?" The boy jumped up and ran home. When he entered the house, his mother was taken by surprise. She said, "Jim, what happened?" He answered, "God is missing, and they're blaming me!"

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Jack O'Keefe decided he was going to have a try at ice fishing. He got a hand saw, a fishing pole, bait and some winter clothes, and he went out. He cut a hole in the ice, dropped his fishing pole in and waited. Soon a booming voice came, "There's no fish there!" Jack decided to ignore the voice, and he continued to wait. The voice soon came again, "There's no fish there!" Jack, though he was beginning to be annoyed, kept the rod in the hole. The voice then came a third time, "I'm telling you, there's no fish there!" Jack finally lost it. He turned and yelled, "Hey, are you God?" The voice responded, "No, I am the manager of this ice skating rink!"

 

[Harvey Towers]

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!"

 

[That Announcer]

An epitaph on a tombstone reads:

"As I am now,
soon you will be.
So be prepared
to follow me."

Someone scribbled another message below that:

"To follow you,
I'm quite content;
but I'm danged if I know
which way you went."