Chapter 7
"Oh! Oh my, oh dear, oh my, oh dear!" Dr. Honeydew shouted. Clifford and Scooter darted in panting and asking what was wrong. "Hmm, what's that? Oh, oh, I just dropped my screwdriver."
Clifford took of his sunglasses and wiped his brow. "You were shouting about dropping your screwdriver?"
“Well of course," Bunsen said. "It's my absolute favorite screwdriver!" he said, returning to his machine. "Oh, would you look at this, it seems our time-travelling friends are being sent backwards now! Oh, what fun!"
"WHAT?" Scooter shouted. "Going BACKWARDS?"
"Dr. Dew! This is NOT good!" Clifford shouted.
"Oh I know! It's fantastic!" Bunsen giggled. "Imagine the history lesson they're getting!"
"Bunsen, we don't CARE about their History lesson," Scooter said, "Just get them back HERE! ...Or... Get them back... Now? Er... Well now wait a minute..." He looked at Clifford. "How am I supposed to say what I'm trying to say?"
"Well you tell me, you're the computer genius, they give out diction lessons on those things don't they?" Clifford asked sarcastically.
Scooter threw his ice pack at Clifford, hitting him right on the nose. "Dr. Honeydew," he said, "Just bring our friends back." He glanced at Clifford. "I have to talk to Kermit about SOMEONE's contract."
Clifford's eyes filled with rage, "That's it you four-eyed kid, you're goin' down!" Clifford shouted, rolling up his sleeves.
"Five bucks says the go-fer's glasses break," Waldorf said from the balcony.
"And ten bucks says that the dreadlocked guy breaks his glasses on the go-fer's head!" Statler countered.
"You're on," Waldorf said. They shook hands and leaned forward to watch.
"What do you two like live here or somethin'?" the distracted Clifford asked.
Scooter took the opportunity to punch Clifford across the face- breaking his sunglasses.
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Zoot sat up straight, he realized that the travellers had actually landed on something soft. "Hey guys we-" he began to say.
"Hey look! We're in a new time!" Rizzo shouted.
"No, we're in an old time!" Rowlf said.
Zoot stood up, "But I think we should-" he started again.
"Where do you think we are now Uncle Kermit?" Robin asked innocently.
"Well it looks like we're in some sort of barn," Kermit responded gently.
Zoot tried shouting, "Guys we need to-"
"Man, if we're in a barn, Piggy'll feel right at home! Heh heh heh!" Floyd said.
"HI-YAAH!"
"Hey guys, look over der!" Rizzo said, pointing out an open door. "Some guys in armor are ridin' dis way!"
"That's what I was tryin' to-" Zoot started. "Oh, never mind..." he muttered.
The sound of clamping hooves sounded as a knight in dark black armor rode up on a shimmering white horse. "What ho there fine freaks?" he addressed the travelers. "What business have thee in mine stable?"
"None," Beauregard said with a blink.
The knight lifted the faceplate of his helmet, revealing two blue eyes and his forehead. "I say my fine fellow, perhaps I wasn't clear enough for you? I repeat, what art thou doing in mine stable?" he reiterated, trying to get an answer from the time travelers, although none of them had any.
Miss Piggy straightened up and sashayed over to the knight. "Ooh, a tall dark and handsome knight type," she mused quietly. Then, so he could hear her, "Oh, fair knight, where are'est thou putting to bed your cute little head? Hmmm?"
The knight hopped off of his horse gracefully. He stood up perfectly straight as he moved towards Piggy, removing his helmet. The knight swayed back his golden locks, the length of which rivaled Piggy's. He stopped in front of her and grabbed her gloved hand. "Oh fair damsel, wherever I layeth mine head, you are certainly welcome," he winked at her.
Rizzo nudged Kermit in the chest. "Hey der Kerm, looks like you've got one less porky problem on your flippers, eh? Heh heh."
Kermit scrunched up his face. "Hardly."
Fozzie popped up in front of Kermit and Rizzo, "Hey, don't worry about it Kermit, that knight is HARDLY awake! It's the middle of the afternoon! Get it?! Knight! Awake! Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!"
The knight gazed curiously at them, and then turned his eyes back to Miss Piggy. "Tell me, my fair lady," he said, "What ARE you doing with these... things?"
"About seven knots," Gonzo interrupted.
"These THINGS," Kermit said as he stepped forward, "Are her FRIENDS." He put his arm firmly around Miss Piggy's waist.
Floyd raised one eye up. "Speak for yourself green stuff!"
The knight let go of Piggy's hand and stared down into Kermit's eyes. "I say there my gruesomely green companion. Is this beauty of a maiden yours? Or may I take her back to my nestings and tour her around the orchards?"
Miss Piggy turned and smiled at Kermit, looking smugger than she ever had before. Then, as magically as her incredible acting abilities allowed, her face became that of an offended innocent maiden as she turned her gaze back to the knight and, with her eyes, pleaded for him to help her.
Dr. Teeth stroked his furry orange beard. "I do hope that the orchards our knightly friend is talking about has nothing to do with flower 'beds,' emphasizing the beds, if you know what I mean. That could end bad for both parties," he frowned at such a thought.
Kermit felt his muscles tensing. He was dizzy. This was NOT a good conversation to have after having his head bumped too many times in one day. He stared back at the knight and, with no small effort, opened his mouth. "She's not yours to take," he said.
"And what giveth you the right to say such a thing o' ye of little stature?" the knight asked harshly. "I sayeth, if the lady would enjoy the company of both of us, we shall have a small duel of sorts, or should I say, swords. What sayeth you frog?"
Kermit gulped. "I say..." He looked towards Miss Piggy, but not particularly at her, and only briefly before returning his eyes to the knight. "I say yes."
??????????????????
There. There it was. In the middle of the dirt patch. There it sat. Cold and alone. Alone and cold.
There was Beaker's right kidney.
A small mosquito landed on it. Above the mosquito’s head was a tiny, almost microscopic halo.
It bit the kidney.
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Gonzo and Fozzie handled each of Kermit's pieces of arm coverage. "Gee Kermit, this is so cool! It totally reminds me of my Tin Thing costume from 'The Muppets' Wizard of Oz!'" Gonzo gushed over the painfully tight iron armor Kermit attempted to put on over his spindly arms and legs.
Kermit scrunched up his face. "Just don't remind me of MY costume from that," he said dryly. "PLEASE."
Pepe knocked on the armor, "Si, but jou can remind me of Piggy's costume whenever jou want, hokay? Did anyone take pictures by de way?"
"Just watch the movie, Pepe," Kermit groaned. "...If we ever get back to then."
"But I do not even have a DVD player, hokay? Jou don't buy me any nice t'ings Kermin. How am I supposed to see de sexy lady pig without a DVD player? Jou know Kermin, I'm not sure how long dis relationship can last if jou don't buy me any nice t'ings, hokay?" Pepe crossed his arms.
"Oh, sheesh!" Kermit cried out. He shook his head. "And people wonder how my eyes got like this..."
Sam strutted his way to where Kermit stood in his rusting armor. "Kermit, you do realize there are some VERY strict rules regarding the honorable, timeless tradition of dueling, do you not? You face your opponent, about face, walk ten paces, turn and strike. Um, good luck. And, may I have your stereo?"
Kermit scrunched his face again. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Sam," he said. "And no, you can't have my stereo."
"Well I think you're gonna do GREAT, Uncle Kermit!" Robin said enthusiastically.
"Oh yes, you'll do marvelously Kermit," Sam said sarcastically. "Are you sure I can't have your stereo?"
"Yes, Sam, I am SURE that you can't have my stereo!" Kermit said. He took a deep breath and turned to his nephew. "You think so, huh Robin?" he said with something that almost could have vaguely resembled a smile.
"I think I should have your stereo," Sam spoke up.
"Knock it off, Sam!" Kermit snapped.
"Well sure Uncle Kermit," Robin said. "You won the sword fight in Muppet Treasure Island, remember?"
"Is there anyway I could win your stereo?"
"Sam," Kermit said, "I don't HAVE a stereo!"
Sam raised his head slowly and stood up straight. "Oh...Well, if you get one, can I have it?"
Kermit sighed a frustrated sigh and turned to Robin again. "It's a little different than in Muppet Treasure Island, Robin," he explained gently. "I've got a few more disadvantages this time around. One, I'm in this armor and I have no idea how I'm supposed to be able to move in this. And two... it's not a choreographed fight."
"Choreographed? I didn't know we were in Korea," Beauregard said as he began to dust the bales of hay in the barn.
"And number three," Gonzo continued the list of differences. "Tim Curry's a wimp...He wouldn't even try the barefoot sea shell tap dancing I had set up."
"He couldn't have been MUCH of a wimp," Floyd said. "After all, he DID kiss the pig!"
"Sheesh..."
THE pig sat atop a tower of ten or fifteen bales of hay with her legs crossed and her hair flowing over her shoulders (she had to look her best when she was the subject of a battle to the death). "Oh boys, are vous ready?" she hummed down to the knight and her frog in shining armor.
The knight walked forward and Kermit did the same, they stared at each other. As their eyes met, the knight drew his sword. "Art thou ready?" he asked Kermit.
Uncle Deadly peered through the individual pieces of hay. "Ah, a sword fight, at least it doesn't involve me being mistaken for a dragon," the phantom thought to himself. "Don't want to add to the confusion of this poor knight, there's enough of it already."
Kermit shifted his eyes to Miss Piggy, who gave him an encouragingly flirtatious smile. He held her gaze and set his face with firm determination, with the utterly barest hint of a smile. He turned to the knight. "Yes," he said as he drew his sword. "Art thou?"
Kermit and the knight nodded. They turned themselves around and marched ten paces, counting each one aloud. The knight whipped around and lunged towards Kermit who slowly turned around and barely was able to block the knight's blade with his own. He let out a huge frown. "Piggy better be thankful for this," he thought aloud.
He swung his sword and the blades clashed. A baby step forward and a tiny swing to the other side of the knight's sword and another step and another swing and another step and another swing and bit by bit the frog advanced in small, swift swings- each one perfectly blocked by the knight's sword.
All of the Muppets, along with Miss Piggy, were on the edge of their seats watching the sword fight. However, Miss Piggy was more literally on the edge than the others. Kermit slammed into the stack of hay to dodge a slice from the knight's blade, and the impact sent Piggy falling to the ground.
"AHH!" she screamed as she hit the ground, face first.
Not very fair-maiden-like, she thought. She noticed the sword beside her hand.
Neither is that... She snatched it, sprung gracefully to her feet, and joined the fight.
At least it looks like I meant to do it now, she thought as she defiantly forced the other two swords away with her blade.
Kermit did not look at all surprised to find himself clashing swords with her. The knight, however, was another tale.
"I say," he exhaled between the swings of the swords. "A fair lass and a more than fair swordswoman? Ist there anything she cannot do?"
"If there is, I haven't found it yet," Kermit said.
"Oh, thank vous Kerm-AH!" Piggy tried to swoon over the frog, before she was knocked over with the knight's elbow.
"She's even good at falling," Kermit quipped as he distracted the knight long enough for Miss Piggy to get back on her feet.
Piggy's face filled with rage. "HI-YA!" she spun herself around with the blade in her hands, knocking sword tips with both of the armored men.
"And did I mention karate?" Kermit gulped, not even noticing the pure light of time shining into the barn and slowly sucking him, Miss Piggy, and all the Muppets away, leaving a very confused knight to swing his sword at the air.