Chapter 3
Scooter walked down the deserted sidewalk on his way to the theater. When all of the sudden, his cell phone began vibrating, causing him to jump almost a foot off the ground. He pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Hello, Muppet Theater's resident gofer speaking!" he answered.
"Hey Scoot!" the familiar voice on the phone said. "How's the theater?"
"Hey Skeeter, great to talk to you again sis," the gofer told his twin over the phone. "As far as I know, the theater's fine, but I haven't been there today yet, and Bunsen was saying something about a new invent-" Skeeter cut him off.
"Wait, Scoot, hang on, I got another call!" she said. She hit a button on her phone. "Hello?"
"Hey, hey, baby," Clifford said into his cell phone. "Just thought I'd give you a ring see how you're doing," he told Skeeter as he too approached the theater, but from a different direciton.
"Hi Cliffy!" Skeeter said excitedly. "I'm good, Babe, how are you?"
"Pretty good, pretty good, so whatcha up to?" he asked, waving to a woman polishing an old grandfather clock inside Beth's Clock Shop.
"Oh, you know, the same old stuff," Skeeter said. "I got first place in that competition yesterday."
"Cool doll face," Clifford looked at his watch, not paying attention to what was in front of him. "Anyway, when do you think you'll be back in town?"
"C'mon, Skeet," Scooter mumbled to himself as he approached the theater and inspected the sign for burnt out bulbs. "Who is she talking to that's taking so long?" He spotted a dead bulb and shook his head. "I'll have to get Clifford on that when he gets-" Scooter began to say before he was cut off by Clifford, who had ran right into him.
Both cell phones clattered to the ground. Clifford quickly grabbed one. "You still there, Baby?" he said.
Scooter frowned at Clifford. "I don't even wanna know," he picked up the remaining cell phone. "I mean it sounds like your talking about some girl," Scooter said, but unwillingly into the phone. "I mean, I thought you were dating Skeeter, you're not cheating on her are you?"
"What?" Skeeter asked in his ear. "Is that you, Scoot? What are you doing on Cliffy's phone? ...Oh, I left you on hold! I'm sorry! Here, I'll switch back..."
"No don't!" Scooter shouted into the phone.
"Of course I'm not cheating on her man!" Clifford said to Scooter. "Skeet's the highlight of my days!" he thought for a minute. "Well, I did have a nice dinner with that Effralyo girl from Russia the other night," he said into the phone that Skeeter had switched to.
Scooter smacked his head and plugged his ears, preparing for what was to come.
"You WHAT?" Skeeter shouted into his ear. "CLIFFORD! You-" She hung up, furious.
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Kermit rubbed his head as he sat up. He knew he was in a different time period, and he knew that after all this, he'd have one heck of a headache. He looked around and noticed Fozzie peeking over a small dirt mound in front of him. "Fozzie, I suppose you have no idea where we are do you?" he asked his best friend.
Rowlf rolled over. "Probably about the time his jokes were first written," he said, trying to ignore his own headache.
Rizzo climbed up on Rowlf's chest, "I don't care WHEN we are, just as long as we get some food!" he shouted.
"General Beauregard!" a running man shouted in the distance. "General Beauregard, sir!"
Beauregard shot up next to Kermit. "Hark," the dim-witted janitor said. "I think I hear the call of a fan!" he hoisted himself up and ran up to the man. "You called, o' adoring fan of mine?"
The man ran over and stood at attention, saluting the janitor. "General Beauregard, sir!" he said. "The Union troops are coming, sir, headed straight for Fort Sumter, just like Lincoln said they would. What do you wanna do, sir? You wanna attack? They're on Confederate soil." He spat on the ground. "Dumb Yanks just don't get that we seceded from 'em."
Beauregard focussed on the spit on the ground. "Should I mop that up?" he asked the soldier.
"What?" the soldier asked. "No, sir! Just give us an order! Do you wanna attack the dumb Yanks or not?"
The janitor scratched his head, "You know I think I have a nice dish cloth in my back pocket that can clean that right up!" Beauregard said concerning the spit on the ground.
"Sir, fergit the spit!" the soldier said. "If it bothers y'that much, have a slave take care of it. Just give the troops an order, sir!"
Kermit gasped, he hopped up and walked over to the soldier, "Now wait just a second here! You're saying your'e fighting to keep slaves?"
"Absolutely, sir!" the soldier said. "How else is the economy s'posed to work? We need slaves. Why if we paid those dirt bags we'd either lose our whole profit to 'em or we'd have to triple our prices, and then we'd lose all our business! This is the South, sir, and King Cotton rules here." He eyed the frog suspiciously. "You ain't one of them Radical Republicans, are ya?"
"Well," Kermit said, "I'm actually in the green party, but things sure are gonna get radical!" he said. "Slavery is wrong! I mean look at all of us! We're frogs, and dogs, and bears, and chickens and things! We're all different, but we don't treat each other badly one way or the other!"
But before the soldier had a chance to reply, a loud cannon fire was heard behind them. They turned around and saw Beau, who had fallen over in the ground after lighting the cannon. "Oh," he rubbed his head. "I think I just fired the shot heard 'round the world," he moaned.
Robin grabbed onto Kermit's hand. "But that was the start of the revolution," he said to Beauregard. "Didn't you ever see School House Rock?"
Beauregard ignored the young frog and stood up. "Alright, soldier!" he said. "Sideways, March! ...Or is it May?" But the soldier had already charged.
Uncle Deadly appeared in front of Kermit out of the shadows. "Please! I have no time for these shinanigans!" he shouted. "Kermit, I suppose you don't know what happens to a spirit who leaves the site of his death?" the phantom asked the frog.
Kermit stared at the phantom. "Um... no, Uncle Deadly, I don't," he said.
Uncle Deadly sighed, "It figures, it's not as though you have died before," he said. "But, I shall explain nonetheless, you see, wherever a person dies, or is relocated to after their death, it becomes the permanent home in their afterlife. And there are very specific rules that must be followed concerning death."
Kermit nodded and looked around to realize he and Robin were the only ones listening to the phantom. Pepe and Rizzo were playing cards, the band was tuning up, Gonzo was standing on his head with a pinecone balanced on his feet, and Miss Piggy was standing several feet away and flirting with a rather attractive soldier. He scrunched his face up at her. "Piggy!"
Uncle Deadly waved his arms, "Forget about the kosher bacon!" he shouted. "Back to the rules!"
Miss Piggy turned her head. "The WHAT?" she said. She smiled at the soldier. "Please excuse moi, dear," she said. Then she ran over to the phantom, furious. "WHAT did you call me?"
"Uh not now, Piggy," Kermit said as he stood between her and Uncle Deadly. "I'm sorry Deadly, you were saying, um, the rules, very specific rules concerning death..."
The phantom glared at the pig, "Yes, very specific rules, first of all, the dead cannot have any contact with the living, unless of course they have special connections such as myself. Second, the dead cannot leave the place in which they died or were relocated to after their death, it will become their permanent home for the rest of their afterlife. And third, and most important, no consuming lasagna on the third Wednesday of March!" the spook explained.
Kermit hesitated. "Um..." he shifted his weight. "I uh, I'm not sure I understand that last one, but um, anyway, what happens if you break one of these rules?"
Uncle Deadly glanced at Robin, "I'd rather not discuss it in present company," he said. "But I assure you, it isn't pretty," he glanced back at Miss Piggy. "But, I suppose you'd know all about that wouldn't you frog?"
"WHAT?" Miss Piggy pushed Kermit out of the way. "THAT DOES IT!" she shouted. "HI-YA!"
Uncle Deadly fell over, then Miss Piggy stomped down on him. "Hmmph," she pushed her hair out of her face. "Now where was I?" she walked back over to the handsome soldier. "So, tall, gray coated, and handsome, what do you say we go talk politics over a nice dinner, hmm?" she asked sweetly.
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Meanwhile, back at the theater, Bunsen was connecting two wires in front of the time machine causing sparks to fly everywhere. "Oh Beaker, I must say this may be one of our greatest inventions yet!" Bunsen said to Zany who was holding his "Applause!" cue card. "Yes sir, not even a bit of harm has affected you! Oh! Isn't it exciting?" Bunsen said as a spark flew onto Zany's cue card.
"HEY!" Zany screamed. He dropped his card onto the floor and stomped the flames from the spark out. "Watch where you throw those sparks, you mad scientist! And for the last time, I am not your assistant Beaker! I AM ZANY THE PENGUIN!"
Bunsen dropped the wires. "Zany...the...Penguin?" he said. "Nope, doesn't ring a bell! You must be Beaker!"
Zany dropped his head into his wings. "Oh... my dear, Jim, in heaven..." he moaned.
They were interrupted by distant shouts from the back of the empty audience. "What do you mean, MY fault?" Scooter shouted. "You're the one who picked up the wrong phone! YOU'RE the one who's been CHEATING on my SISTER!"
"Me?! Cheat on Skeeter?!" Clifford shouted. "Uh, I suppose it's too late to plead the fifth, huh?" he shook his head. "But it's YOU'RE fault because you were the one who-who...You're the one who," he sighed. "Alright, alright, I guess it is my fault," Clifford agreed. "But, YOU were the one who walked into ME!"
"I walked into you?" Scooter shouted. "I wasn't even walking anymore! I was looking at the sign!"
"Why?" Clifford snapped. "So you could think of more ways to make me work during the day?"
"It's your job!" Scooter shouted. "That's what you do at a job! Work!"
"Hey, speaking of jobs and work!" Zany shouted to them. "Could one of you PLEASE explain to this melon-head that I am NOT his assistant Beaker, and it is NOT my job to sit here and be his test dummy?"
Both Scooter and Clifford turned and looked at Bunsen and Zany. "Dr. Honeydew," Scooter said. "Uh, Zany's a penguin, not Beaker," Scooter said.
Bunsen looked from Zany to Scooter and said. "Oh please Mr. Scooter sir, I knew that! I was just testing my new invention! The Muppet Labs cue card! With my new device, I have made cue cards ten times lighter! Making work so much easier for the penguins!"
Zany glared at him. "You WHAT?" he picked up a cue card. "These are NOT any- oh, wait... yes, they are lighter!" he said. "Wow, so much easier! I can even do tricks!" He threw the card into the air and caught it. "OWWWW!" He screamed. He looked at his wing. "What a NASTY paper cut..." He waddled off the stage, muttering something to himself.
Bunsen returned his attention to Scooter and Clifford. "Now, you fine fellows are probably wondering what this device I have here is, aren't you?"
Scooter looked at the machine. "Not really," he mumbled. He shot a nasty look at Clifford.
Bunsen protested, "Oh, but you must be at least the slightest bit interested in my new Muppet Labs Time Machine? Look, I simply flip this switch, and it will send the time travelers already lost in time to some other random destination! Oh it sets me all a-" but the scientist was cut off, behind all of the seats in the theater, a vortex of black flames appeared.
From the flames emerged a tall, slender, cloaked figure carrying a scythe. He observed his surroundings and finally focussed his sight on Bunsen and the time machine. "STEP ASIDE HONEYDEW, I NEED ENTRANCE TO THE PAST," the figure said with a voice that made the Muppet's feel like all of their blood vessels had frozen. "I MUST FIND UNCLE DEADLY."
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