The corny joke thread

[ZootyCutie]

What do you get when a sleepy saxaphonist attacks health food with a gun?

Zoot Shoot Diets.

 

[Java]

There once was a man, who was about to experience THE day... Judgment Day!

He was approaching the Pearly Gates, on his way into paradise, but first, he had to answer a little questionare.

The gatekeeper looked over the man's records...

"Well, let's see... you never smoked, you never drank, you never had sex before marriage... we see that you are a good man... but have you ever done ANYTHING to help another, less fortunate person?"

"As a matter of fact, I have!" Said the man, "I was walking down the sidewalk, on my way home from work, and there was the little old lady heading towards the same direction I was heading from, when all of the sudden, this HUGE man, must have weighed about 250-300 pounds or so jumped her! He was after her purse, but she wasn't giving up without a fight, he started beating and kicking her to get her to let go of her purse, but she had a death grip on that purse; so that's when I made up my mind - I ran over the scene, and I managed to help the old lady free from his grasp, and help her make a getaway, while I, with ALL my might, I gave that guy the hardest, strongest punch in the face that I could give him!"

The gatekeeper was most certainly impressed. "Wow, that certainly IS a good deed! And when did all of this happen?" asked the gatekeeper.

The man replied "about two minutes ago".

I enjoyed it D'Snowth.

 

[Java]

Zoot Shoot Diets.

Groans and shakes head...

 

[Katzi428]

I put this in the "It's Talk Like A Pirate Day" But it can go here too:
Did you hear about the pirate movie that's coming out?
It's rated "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

 

[peyjenk]

A blonde and a brunette are out hunting, when the brunette trips over a log and hits her head. When she doesn't move or make a sound, the blonde gets very distressed and calls 911 on her cell phone.

"Hello, my friend fell down and hit her head, and I think she's dead!" she says when the dispatcher answers.

"Just relax, ma'am," the dispatcher replies. "The first thing to do is to make sure your friend is dead."

"Just a minute," the blonde says.

The dispatcher waits for a second. Suddenly, there's the sound of a gunshot on the other end of the line.

"Okay, now what?"

 

[peyjenk]

Bad spellers of the world untie!

 

[Pork]

DNA stands for National Ditsletsic Association.

I bet you've all heard that one before.

 

[peyjenk]

LOL, I almost posted that one last night, but opted for the "bad spellers untie" joke instead.

 

[FraggleRockRock]

So, a man was trapped on his roof during a flood. It isn't long before his neighbor comes by on a raft. his neighbor shouts,
"Get on the raft, quick!"

But the man refuses, saying,
"No, no; God will save me!"

The neighbor shrugs and paddles on.
It is not long before a police officer drives by in a motor-boat. The officer shouts,
"Quick! Get on the boat!"

But the man once again refuse, shouting,
"No, no; God will save me."

Soon after, when the water level has risen considerably, a rescue helicopter appears. The door slides open and a resue team member sticks their head out, shouting,
""We'll send down a rope so you can get on the helicopter!"

But the man refuses, shouting,
"No, no; God will save me."

The helicopter leaves, but the water level has risen quite high, and the man cannot swim. The man drowns.

He goes up to heaven and is finally in the presence of the Lord. He asks Him,
"My Lord, why didn't you save me from the flood?"

And the Lord shakes his head in exasperation, saying,
"What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

The Lord works in mysterious ways!

 

[MartyMuppets]

The Lord works in mysterious ways!

He certainly does indeed.