Chapter twenty-five
Scooter finished handing out the long thick chords of twine and pushed through the crowded backstage area to where Clifford was carefully orchestrating everyone’s exact movements in preparation for the closing number. “Are we all set?” the go-fer asked.
“Almost,” Clifford said. He tied another knot in the chord he was holding. “Alright, you three rats take this wing...” he handed the chord to the three rats to his right, “And you three take that one.” He gave the other chord to the three rats to his left. “Alright, now Mitch, you know where you’re going, and up you six go.” The six rats held onto their chords and climbed up a rope ladder to the lights. “Who’s next?” Clifford called into the crows.
“I am!” a voice called.
“Alright, come on up!” Clifford took the first chord he was handed and carefully began to tie it. “Hey Scoot, where’s Grover?” he asked.
“Oh he’s with Rowlf, they’re in the canteen,” Scooter said.
“Alright, good,” Clifford said. “I know Susan and Gordon are good at explaining, but I don’t think they’d wanna explain this to Grover.”
“And I don’t think either of us would want to face Kermit if he found out they had to,” Scooter agreed.
“Mm-hm,” Clifford said as he finished with the first chord and picked up the second. He looked at the performer he was tying the chords to. “This isn’t too tight, is it?”
“Nope, it’s fine,” the performer said. Then he turned to the go-fer. “Thanks for giving us another chance, Mr. Scooter,” he said.
“No problem, Zany, just don’t screw it up,” Scooter said.
“I won’t!” the penguin promised.
“Alright, you three rats...” Clifford handed off one of the chords. “And Rizz, you take this one with those two.”
Rizzo took the chord. “Got it, Clifford!” he said, and he started to walk towards the rope ladder with the other rats.
“Yo Rizz!” Clifford grabbed the rat, lifted him by his shirt collar, and glared right into his eyes. “You put one ratty little fur on that red button-“
“ALRIGHT I WON’T I WON’T I WON’T!” Rizzo said.
Clifford gently let him fall back to the floor. “Good. Then get up there.”
“Uh yes sir!” Rizzo said as he scurried up the ladder.
Clifford turned to the well-dressed man next to him. “Alright Jeremy, you ready for this?” he asked.
Jeremy flicked a comb through his blonde hair. “As ready as I get,” he said.
“Alright, Janice is already out there,” Clifford said. “But before you do this, lemme give you some advice: be careful how friendly you get with her.”
Jeremy raised his eyebrows. “Oh, is she your girl?” he asked.
“Naw, man, you kidding?” Clifford said. “If she was my girl, you wouldn’t be going on stage with her! It’s Floyd you gotta look out for. Bass guitar. Just watch yourself, alright?” He slapped the man on the back. “Go on out, I’ve just gotta get Miss Mary Sunshine out there and we’re all set.” He turned to Miss Piggy as Jeremy took his position on stage. “Alright, Piggy, you got your chords?”
“Right here,” Miss Piggy said. She looked like she had come straight out of the 1920’s, which of course, was how she was supposed to look for the number. Clifford tied one chord around each of her arms, just above her elbows.
“Alright, let’s do this,” he said. He held the ends of Miss Piggy’s chords and climbed up to the lights on the same rope ladder the rats had used. Then he carefully followed her from above to her position on stage, flicked a switch on the lights, and spoke into a microphone he had put up there ahead of time.
“Ladies and gentlemen, straight from the scenes of Chicago, Mr. Billy Flynn and the press-conference rag. Notice how his mouth never moves. Almost.”
The curtains swung open and the audience saw Jeremy sitting in the middle of the stage, Janice pretending to be a ventriloquist dummy on his lap, and Miss Piggy and the penguins as the marionette press. High above them, Clifford and the rats worked to keep any visible slack out of the chords, so the press really looked like they were being controlled.
The first penguin popped up. “Where’d you come from?”
Jeremy answered through Janice. “Mississippi,”
A second penguin, “And your parents?”
Jeremy through Janice, “Very wealthy.”
A third penguin, “Where are they now?”
Jeremy through Janice, “Six feet under.”
“But she was granted one more start!” he interrupted himself. “The Convent of the Sacred Heart.”
“How you rats holdin’ up?” Clifford muttered quietly.
“Better than you’ll be when it’s your turn,” Rizzo said.
A penguin popped up again. “When’d you get here?”
“Nineteen twenty.”
Another penguin. “How old were you?”
“Don’t remember!”
Another penguin. “Then what happened?”
“I met Amos! And he stole my heart away, convinced me to elope one day.”
Miss Piggy stood up. “Oh you poor dear! I can’t believe what you’ve been through! A convent girl, a runaway marriage... Now tell us, Roxie... Who’s Fred Casely?”
“My ex-boyfriend.”
All the penguins were up as Miss Piggy sat. “Why’d you shoot him?”
“I was leaving.”
Still they stood. “Was he angry?”
“Like a mad man. Still I said Fred move along,” Jeremy took over with “She knew that she was doing wrong!”
The penguins looked excited. “Then describe it.”
Jeremy sang through Janice again. “He came toward me!”
“With the pistol?”
“From my bureau.”
“Did you fight him?”
“Like a tiger.” Jeremy took over, “He had strength and she had none!” Through Janice, “And yet we both reached for the gun. Oh yes oh yes oh yes we both, oh yes we both, oh yes we both, reached for, the gun, the gun, the gun the gun, oh yes, we both reached for the gun, for the gun.”
The penguins nodded. “Oh yes oh yes oh yes they both, oh yes they both oh yes they both, reached for, the gun, the gun, the gun the gun, oh yes, they both reached for the gun, for the gun.”
Jeremy sang with his own voice now, awkwardly dancing about with a very stiff Janice. “Understandable, understandable, yes it’s perfectly, understandable. Comprehensible, Comprehensible, not a bit reprehensible, it’s so defensible.” He sat again as the penguins popped up.
“How you feelin?”
Jeremy sang through Janice. “Very frightened.”
Miss Piggy stood. “Are you sorry?”
Janice spoke for herself. “Are you kidding?”
Miss Piggy sat as the penguins stood. “That’s your statement?” they asked.
Jeremy sang through Janice. “All I’d say is, though my choo-choo jumped the track, I’d give my life to bring him back.”
“And?”
“Stay away from-“
“What?”
“Jazz and liquor.”
“And?”
“And the men who-“
“What?”
“Play for fun!”
“And what?”
“That’s the thought that,”
“Yeah,”
“Came upon me,”
“When?”
“When we both reached FOR THE GUN!” Jeremy was so passionate about it he dumped Janice off of his lap.
Miss Piggy lighted to her feet, with help from Clifford, and sang. “Understandable, understandable, yes it’s perfectly, understandable.”
Jeremy sang along and danced with her. “Comprehensible, comprehensible, not a bit reprehensible, it’s all defensible.” He sat back down with Janice on his lap once more.
The penguins began to chant softly. “Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both, oh yes, they both, oh yes, they both, reached for, the gun, the gun, the gun the gun, oh yes, they both reached for the gun, for the gun.”
Jeremy encouraged them, and they grew a little louder.
“Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes they both, oh yes, they both, oh yes, they both, reached for, the gun, the gun, the gun the gun, oh yes, they both reached for the gun, for the gun.”
“Now you got it!” Jeremy cried. He joined in as the penguins got louder and began to dance about, with Miss Piggy dancing in wild silence in front of them.
“Oh yes oh yes oh yes they both, oh yes they both, oh yes they both, reached for, the gun the gun the gun the gun, oh yes, they both reached for the gun, for the gun.”
Miss Piggy and the penguins were now all sailing around the stage, with Clifford and the rats grunting and groaning above them.
“Oh yes oh yes oh yes they both, oh yes they both oh yes they both, reached for, the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun-“
Jeremy stood up, pretending to support Janice with a hand on her back, though she was standing on her own. He had a glass of milk in his hand. “Both... reached for the...” He started to drink the milk, and his voice continued. “GUUUUUUUUN...”
The penguins threw themselves into the air, with the rats keeping the chords tight, while Clifford struggled to keep Miss Piggy above the stage.
“The gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun the gun both reached for the gun!”
The performers seemed to collapse on stage. The rats were more than obliged to drop the chords. But Clifford, who was drenched in his own sweat, was too exhausted to unwrap his fingers from the thick twine.
The audience roared with applause. The performers rose to take their bows, although Miss Piggy had a bit of difficulty, and she realized her elbows were still tied to the ceiling.
Scooter, Rowlf, and Grover came onto the stage. “Oh, did I miss the closing number?” he asked.
“Oh, uh, I guess so,” Scooter said.
“Oh, that is too bad,” Grover said.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Clifford had been too exhausted to realize that he was slipping off the crossbeam until he was plummeting towards the stage with his iron grip on the chords, lifting Miss Piggy as he went. Her counter-acting weight slowed him to a stop in mid-air. The trouble was, they were both in mid-air, too high for Sweetums to reach but too low for the rats to help.
Miss Piggy thrashed around, trying to free herself. “Put me down!” she screamed, not realizing he had fallen. “MOI AM NOT A PUPPET!”
“Yeah, no more than I am!” Clifford said, too exhausted to complain that her wild struggle was throwing his arms around.
She looked up at him, surprised at how close his voice was. He was dangling ten feet above her. “OH!”
Below them, Floyd, who had come onstage and put his arm around Janice, could not control his laughter. “Look how much lower Miss Piggy is!” he said. “That’s a little something called gravity!”
“Nothing about Miss Piggy is LITTLE,” Rowlf laughed.
“WHAT?” Miss Piggy thrashed around, furious.
Clifford shook his exhausted head and looked vaguely towards the ceiling. “I give up,” he said, and he let go of the chords.
It was a short drop, and the thud was much less painful than it sounded.
Miss Piggy, on the other hand, crashed straight through the stage.
Clifford didn’t bother to stand up. He just raised one sweaty arm. “Goodnight, everybody!” The arm dropped, and he was fast asleep.
“Uh, yeah uh, we’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!” Scooter called out as the raging Miss Piggy slowly pulled herself out of the hole in the stage.
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