Chapter seventeen
“Four hours to curtain, everybody!” Scooter announced as he hurried to Kermit’s desk, where Clifford and Rowlf were already waiting.
“Alright, now are we all set for the show?” Clifford asked. “Let’s go over the list.”
“Okay,” Rowlf said as he examined a piece of paper. “Uh, order of acts?”
Scooter consulted his clipboard. “Check.”
“Uh, scenery ready to go?” Rowlf said.
“Check.”
“Props?”
“Check.”
“Lights?”
“Uh, no check,” Scooter said. “Lights are never check.”
“Yeah, that’s cause I haven’t fixed that stupid light,” Clifford said.
Rizzo was walking past. “Maybe it’s not the light that’s stupid,” he said before hurrying away.
“What?” Clifford said angrily. “Yo, Rizz, get back here!” He chased after the rat.
Rowlf shook his head. “So what do we do about the light?”
Scooter shrugged. “Same thing we do every week, I guess. We don’t use that one.” He put a check mark next to “lights.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kermit paced in front of the marsh grasses, deep in thought. It was show night. The theater was sure to be total chaos, with sets being moved, costumes zooming around on racks, everyone memorizing lines at the last minute, people begging for more stage time, and at least one minor emergency of some sort. Kermit could almost see it, could almost smell the greasepaint, could almost hear the shouts and complaints, could almost feel the seconds ticking away.
Two hours to curtain, Boss! Two hours to curtain! Would they have all the props? Would the sets be right? Would the costumes fit? Would they know their lines? He shook his head. There was no need to be nervous. He wasn’t going on stage. He wasn’t even in the theater.
Robin hopped out of the marsh grasses. “Uncle Kermit, is it time to go watch the show yet?” he asked.
Kermit shook his head. “Not yet, Robin. Wilson will be here to give us a ride. We don’t have to go for a while.”
“Oh.” Robin looked down at his feet, then back up at his uncle. “It feels a lot longer when we’re not at the theater,” he said.
“It sure does,” Kermit said with a smile. He kept pacing and quietly started to sing. “
Dah dah buh-deet dah doo-dah. Dah dah buh dee-dat doo...”
Robin recognized the tune, held his uncle’s hand, and sang. “
It’s time to meet the Muppets-“
“
On the Muppet Show tonight,” they finished together. They laughed and sat down.
“Kermit?” a voice behind them said.
They turned around. “Yeah Mom?” Kermit said.
His mother smiled. “I know you’re anxious,” she said in her forever-gentle voice. “Why don’t you two start walking to town now, and the rest of us will come later with Wilson. It might not seem so long that way.”
Kermit smiled. Robin was immediately on his feet, hopping around. “Can we do that, Uncle Kermit? Can we? Can we?”
“I don’t see why not,” Kermit said as he stood up.
“Oh boy!” Robin kept hopping in circles around his uncle.
Kermit hugged his mother. “Thanks Mom,” he said. “I’ll see you at Jerry’s!” And with that, he took his nephew’s hand and left.
“Just be careful!” the elderly lady frog called after him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A few minutes after Kermit and Robin arrived at Juhl’s Pizza Place, a red pick-up truck pulled up and over a hundred frogs started hopping out of the back and pouring into the restaurant.
“Thank you, Wilson,” Kermit’s mother said as she got out.
Wilson nodded. “My pleasure, Mrs. The Frog!” he said cheerfully. “I’ll be back in half an hour to pick you up.”
She waved as he drove away, and then hurried inside just in time to see Rowlf the Dog poke his head out of the big O.
“
It’s the Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Drew Barrymore!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Great number, guys. Really. Terrific!” Rowlf said to the performers as he followed them off stage. He waited until they were safely out of earshot before turning to Scooter. “At least it would have been if they could keep time with the music.”
“Yeah,” Scooter said as he looked at his clipboard. “I guess we should have scheduled more practice time for you guys on stage.”
“Alright, so the panel’s next, right?” Clifford said.
“Yup,” Scooter said. He leaned over to the intercom. “Discussion panel, onstage!”
“Good luck, Clifford,” Rowlf said.
“Yeah thanks. I’ll need it,” Clifford said. “I just hope Rizzo knows what he’s doing with those lights.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Alright, time to try to raise the intellectual level of the show,” Clifford said as the panel members quieted down. “Our guest panelist tonight is Miss Drew Barrymore.” He motioned to his left.
Drew Barrymore waved. “Hi!”
“Pleasure to have you here,” Clifford said. “And we will be discussing History’s Greatest Female Celebrity. Miss Barrymore, would you like to-“
“Well as we all know,” Miss Piggy interrupted, “The greatest female celebrity is, of course, moi.”
“But for
history’s greatest female celebrity, we must consider
all of history, and every different
kind of celebrity,” Mildred said.
“Yeah,” Drew said, “Every woman who was ever famous. So that’s singers and actresses, of course, but also politicians, royalty, criminals...”
“Criminals?” Miss Piggy said. “How could a
criminal be
great?”
“That would depend what we are measuring the greatness of,” the Guru said. “Perhaps we are measuring their skill at skinning an antelope.”
“Why would we measure that?” Drew asked. “I think we’re supposed to be discussing how well they were known. Isn’t that what really defines being a celebrity?”
“Well if that is the case,” Mildred said, “I should think that Queen Victoria is undeniably the greatest.”
“Humph! Queen Victoria couldn’t hold a
candle to moi!” Miss Piggy shouted.
“She wouldn’t have had to,” Drew said. “She had plenty of servants to do it for her.”
Suddenly there was an explosion above them and the stage went dark.
“AAAAAAAAAA-OW!” Rizzo fell from the lights and landed on the table in front of Clifford. “Oh, my little broken body,” he moaned. “Hey- I’m alive!”
Clifford took his sunglasses off and looked in what he guessed was the rat’s general direction. “Rizzo, what did you do up there?”
“Y’know that red button I wasn’t s’posed to push?” Rizzo said.
“Aw, man!” Clifford stood up and projected his voice into the audience. “Everybody stay calm. We’re just having some electric problems-“
“Yeah, they didn’t pay the bill!” Statler called out from the balcony.
Clifford ignored the comment. “We’ll take care of it, everything should be back to normal soon-“
“Normal? On this show?” Waldorf cried out.
“Why, that doesn’t exist!” Statler said.
“And if it did, you’d need the frog to get it!” Waldorf added.
“Will you two hold it down up there?” Clifford said. “We’re trying to do a show!”
“Really?” Waldorf said. “It doesn’t look like a show to me.”
“Unless you’re showing how
bad you are!” Statler added.
“Whatever,” Clifford said. “Anyway, in the meantime, join us next time on the discussion panel when I have no idea what we’ll be discussing because I can’t see my notes.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“You know Waldorf,” Statler said, “I think this show is getting better.”
“Oh? What do you mean?” Waldorf asked.
“Well now, we don’t have to see it!”
“Doh ho ho ho!”
Rowlf and Drew Barrymore came and stood in front of the stage curtain, illuminated only by a few carefully placed flashlights. A stray beam of light would occasionally dance over them, courtesy of Clifford, who was trying to fix the stage lights.
“Well Drew, we’re terribly sorry this happened,” Rowlf said. “I know the whole show has been kind of hectic backstage and all.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Drew said. “I understand. Where is Kermit, anyway?”
“He had a family emergency,” Rowlf said.
“Ohhh,” she said, “I’ve had some of those.”
“Care to share?” Rowlf asked.
“No.”
“Yeah, Kermit’s not talking, either.”
Suddenly the stage lights flickered on, half-blinding them.
“Looks like we’re back in business,” Drew said.
“Well then let’s get on with the show,” Rowlf said.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kermit looked a little uneasy as he watched the “goodnights” on the television.
“
Well in spite of everything that went wrong, I hope you still had a good time, Miss Barrymore,” Scooter was saying.
“
Oh yeah, I had a blast!” Drew said.
Crazy Harry popped up between them. “
Did somebody say blast?”
BOOM!
The stage went dark again.
“
Quick! Somebody grab a flashlight!” Scooter shouted. A dim light from stage right silhouetted the three figures. “
We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!” Scooter said. “
I hope.”
The camera cut away to the band pit for the closing theme, with a few flashlights slowly illuminating the members of the orchestra.
Kermit sighed and shook his head. “Well Robin,” he said, “I guess they had a little trouble.”
Maggie laughed and pushed the white desk phone towards her brother. “Got a call to make, Mit?”
“Yeah, thanks,” he said, and he picked up the phone and started to dial.
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