Chapter 15: The More Things Change
“Yeah, but I don’t think it’s going to have the same effect if she leaves on a bus,” Kermit argued into the phone. “We’re already using a bus for another shot. Besides, I mean, leaving by train is sortof old-fashioned and romantic, but leaving by—what? No. No, I don’t think a motorcycle would be appropriate, even though—“
Kermit was listening with a very disgruntled expression, the phone pressed up against where his ear would have been, if he’d had one, when Scooter poked his head around the doorway. Kermit tuned out the raspy voice on the phone and looked at Scooter expectantly.
“What it is Scooter?”
“They’re here again,” said the young man disgustedly. Kermit sighed, rubbing his hand across his face. He held up a finger to Scooter and talked into the phone.
“No,” he said firmly. “I want a train—or a least a seat on one leaving the station. What? Yes! Yes, of course I want—no. No dining car. Just a seat. Get me a seat on a train leaving the station. A window seat. Yes. By tomorrow. Thank you,” he finished sarcastically. He replaced the phone on its cradle, not tenderly, and looked up at Scooter.
“Again?” he demanded. “Look, Scooter, can’t you reason with these folks? I mean, we did what they asked us to do, right? We confirmed it! We posed! We kissed! Piggy signed about twenty-seven-billion autographs. What more do these people want from us?”
“Um, exclusive pictures of your firstborn?” suggested Scooter.
Kermit looked aghast. “You d-didn’t,” he stammered. “I-I mean, they don’t think, um, that, um, there’s going to be, um, a, um—“
Relax, Boss,” said Scooter. “I was just kidding.”
Kermit subsided, but looked so limp and shaken that Scooter was rather concerned. He gave the rattled amphibian a chance to gather his wits, but before he could speak, Fozzie poked his head in the other side of the open door.
“Um, Kermit—I have a problem—“
The phone rang. Kermit answered it, and immediately began to shake his head.
“No,” he insisted. “Absolutely no live ammunition, Gonzo—and that’s final!” He slammed down the phone. “But Scooter—” he began.
“Kerrrmittt,” whined Fozzie, sounding sortof desperate now. “I need to talk to you about the—“
“I was here first,” said Scooter indignantly. “And I need to know what to do about all the—“
“Guys!“ said Kermit, standing up and making soothing motions. “Hang on just a minute and I’ll—“
“Kermie? Kermie, dear?” Piggy joined the circus just inside Kermit’s open office door. “Sweetheart, I am not happy about this scene with the receptionist’s office. It specifically says in Moi’s contract that I do not shed anything under any circumstances and Moi does not plan to—“
“So?” demanded Scooter, shouting over the top of Piggy and the now-agitated Fozzie.
“So what?” Kermit hollered back.
“So what do I tell them? Are you guys coming out again?”
“No, Scooter. We are not! We’re supposed to shoot the scene with Dabney Coleman today, so—‘
“Want me to sic Animal on ‘em?” Floyd had joined them at some previous point in the conversation. Kermit’s office gave a definite impression of bulging at the seams.
Scooter looked at Kermit and shrugged. “It couldn’t hurt,” he suggested, but at the speculative look in Kermit’s eye, he hastily amended the suggestion. “Or I could just send Piggy out….”
“Send Moi where?” Piggy demanded. “We’re not supposed to be on location until tomorrow!”
“Look, if everybody could just—“
“Kermittt!” wailed Fozzie. “I really need to talk to you about something.”
“Hey look, man,” said Floyd, “if this is a bad time—“
“It is!”
“—I could come back and ask for an advance on the band’s pay later.”
“No early paychecks!” said Scooter. “We’re barely meeting payroll as it is!”
“Bearly? Was that a crack?” said Fozzie. “Look, I am doing my best and if you guys—“
“Arghh!” yelled Kermit, waving his arms over his head. “Everybody stop talking! I cannot hear myself think! And I can’t answer any of you if you’re all talking at the same time!”
Everyone stared, but subsided obediently.
“Scooter--if Piggy goes out alone, we’ll never get her back inside for any filming. If they want an interview, tell ‘em to call Marty and make an appointment.”
Scooter sighed. “Okay, boss,” he moaned. He tried a give Kermit puppy dog eyes, but he just didn’t quite have the knack yet. Kermit pointed. Scooter went. Halfway to the door, he turned and whined a little.
“But—but there’s this one guy—jeez!—who’s really persistent. Says he was promised an exclusive.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Kermit muttered. “Him and about fifty others. Tell him to take it up with Marty, okay?”
“You’re the boss,” muttered Scooter. Usually, working for Kermit was a delight. Today was the exception that proved the rule. The gopher/personal assistant trudged dejectedly toward the big double doors that led out into the street.
“Fozzie,” said Kermit. “What was so urgent that it couldn’t wait?”
Fozzie looked at Kermit and shifted from one foot to the other.
“Fozzie—“ Kermit began in a warning tone, and the furry funnybear immediately thrust two almost identical ties out in front of him.
“Which one do you like better?”
Kermit stared at him for a moment, practically vibrating in annoyance, but he took a deep breath at last and tapped the one on the left.
“This one,” said Kermit shortly. Fozzie looked at it doubtfully.
“Are you sure?” he began. “Cause I thought the other one—“
“Will you get out of here!” Kermit demanded. Fozzie scuttled for the door.
“Geez,” he muttered. “You don’t have to be so grumpy about it.” Grumbling, he left.
Piggy would have darted in at this point, but Kermit held up a hand imperiously and she was so shocked that she subsided—at least, for the moment. Kermit crossed his arms across his chest and gave Floyd his sternest look.
“Something I can do for you Floyd? Something that can’t wait?”
“No problem, man,” said Floyd, backing for the door. “I was just, you know, asking.” He slid from the room, leaving Kermit alone with his wife.
He turned to her impatiently, but at the look on her face, his own expression softened in response. She was smiling at him, a sweet, bemused, fond smile that made Kermit feel both sheepish and proud at the same time. He stepped forward and looked into her blue eyes.
“Something I can do for you, Piggy?” he teased. “Something that can’t wait?”
Piggy wasn’t born yesterday. She backed up hastily.
“No, ha ha,” she said, slipping from his attempted embrace. “Nevermind. I’ll just let you get back to work!”
“Work?” Kermit snorted, and Piggy spared him a fleeting glance before dashing down the hall. Somewhat surprised, Kermit found himself quite alone in his office. He turned and stared at the phone, daring it to ring. It didn’t. It fact, no one bothered him for the next thirteen minutes, which allowed him enough time to collect his thoughts, call Marty, call Accounting, warn the prop department to be on the lookout for Gonzo and actually eat his lunch. For the briefest of intervals, Kermit relaxed.
Married life or no, things were certainly getting back to normal around here.