Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[The Count]

Tell ya what... 5H Industries will soon be no-H Industries. Funny bit at the end, but honestly guys, the bathroom's off limits and you should know that.

To echo that half of yours... More please!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 9

Scooter came trotting back to Aunt Marge and Robin carrying two oddly colored ice cream cones. "Here you are Aunt Marge, Robin, two dragonfly ripple cones," Scooter said.

"Good," Aunt Marge snapped, snatching her cone from Scooter’s hand. "Now go get me a coffee."

Scooter handed Robin his ice cream and ran off. "Yes, Aunt Marge," Scooter said quickly.

"Low cream!" she shouted after the go-fer.

"Of course, Aunt Marge!"

"And no sugar!"

"Heavens no, Aunt Marge!"

Robin shook his head. "Why are you so mean to everybody who’s not a frog, Aunt Marge?" Robin asked his great aunt.

"Heh, a better question would be why aren’t you?" Aunt Marge said.

Robin looked down at his ice cream cone. "Well, they’re my friends."

"Robin," Aunt Marge said. "I’ve been around long enough to know that the only things in this world worth spendin’ time with is frogs."

"But that’s not very much fun," Robin said. "What about pigs, and dogs, and bears, and chickens, and stuff?"

"Tell me, Robin," Aunt Marge said. "Can a chicken catch a fly with its tongue?"

"Well, no, I don’t think so- but I don’t think chickens even have tongues, Aunt Marge!" Robin said.

"Yeah? Well can a pig do that funny thing where they make their chin swell up?" Aunt Marge asked.

"Um... I heard Uncle Kermit talking about some things Miss Piggy could do with her neck... but I don’t think that was one of them," Robin said.

Aunt Marge looked awkwardly at the young frog. "Just another reason you should be living with frogs."

"But Aunt Marge!" Robin whined. "I like all of my friends here."

"Robin, think about this, honey," Aunt Marge said. "You live with a mentally-unstable Scandinavian chef who tries to cook you on a day-to-day basis, a frog-chopping pig, and a bear with jokes that kill!"

"Oh, it’s not that bad," Robin said. "The Swedish Chef hasn’t tried to cook me since I taught him how to make trail mix without using an actual dirt trail, and Miss Piggy’s really great, once you get past the... karate chopping, and Fozzie’s just... not very funny is all."

Aunt Marge shook her head. "Robie-poo-" Robin grimaced at the pet name. "-you don’t even have any friends who are frogs!"

"No... but my best friend, Sweetums, gets me to school faster than the school bus can," Robin said, licking at his ice cream cone.

"Does he have seat belts?" Aunt Marge asked.

"No, but neither does the school bus," Robin said with a smile.

Scooter came panting back to the park bench that Robin and Aunt Marge were sitting on, carrying Aunt Marge’s coffee. "Here it is, Aunt Marge." Scooter panted. "A coffee with low sugar and no cream."

"I said no sugar and low cream!" Aunt Marge shouted. "Go get me another!"

Scooter sighed. "Right away, Aunt Marge," he said, leaving again.

Robin looked up at Aunt Marge. "I don’t think Uncle Kermit pays Scooter enough to do this job."

"He shouldn’t pay ‘im at all," Aunt Marge said. "Work builds character, boy like that needs as much character as he can get."

Robin licked the last bit of his ice cream cone. "Whatever you say, Aunt Marge."

<~><~><~><~><~>

Clifford rapped his fingers on Kermit's desk as the cell phone rang. "It'll never work," Rizzo said from beside him.

"Just you- Hi Paula!" Clifford said into the phone.

"Here we go." Rizzo scoffed.

"Watch it, Rat," Clifford scolded Rizzo. "Oh, no, not you Paula."

"Heh, d'is really will be interesting," Rizzo said leaning against the desk.

"-Yeah, just so happens I'm free... forever, and I was hopin' that you'd like to go have some fun with a cool cat like me," Clifford said into the cell phone.

Kermit walked in through the theater's back door. "Hey, what's going on?" Kermit asked.

"Clifford's tryin' to get wit' Paula Abdul now d'at Skeeter left him for Johnny Fiama," Rizzo said.

"So help me, I'll give ya to the Swedish Chef if ya don't- No, Paula, baby, not you. We've just got a little pest problem here," Clifford said, glaring at Rizzo through his sunglasses.

Kermit smirked. "Well, this’ll be interesting," he said.

"D’at’s what I said," Rizzo replied.

"Skeeter?" Clifford asked the phone. "Naw, I’m over her. ...What happened? Well, that ain’t important. So when can we- ...you wanna know what happened?"

"Really interesting," Kermit and Rizzo said together, both anxiously smirking at Clifford.

"I, uh, well, we just had a mis-communication," Clifford lied. "What sort? Well, uh, I sorta said that she was wrong..." Kermit and Rizzo waited. "...All the time."

"Go on." Rizzo egged Clifford on.

"Actually, I said that... well, Gonzo and Floyd were there too, they uh, well, we sorta said that... all women were wrong." Clifford gulped. "All... the time."

"T’ree, two, one," Rizzo counted off.

"She hung up," Clifford sighed.

"What’d ya expect?" Rizzo asked. "So did all d’e ot’er women guest stars from ‘Muppet’s Tonight!’"

Clifford shoved his cell phone into his pocket. "Ya know who wouldn’t say no?" Clifford asked Rizzo.

"Your mot’er?" Rizzo laughed.

"No," Clifford said. "The exterminator!"

"Uh, I t’ink I hear my tea pot boilin’," Rizzo said, scooting off.

Kermit shook his head. He straightened up some papers on his desk, then turned to Clifford. "The whole jealousy approach isn’t going well, I see," he said.

"Heh, you can say that again," Clifford said.

"I would, but we try not to be too corny with our jokes," Kermit said.

"Please," Clifford said. "Corny jokes are music to my ears."

"Like that one?" Kermit smirked.

"If anyone actually gets that joke, sure," Clifford said.

Kermit shook his head. "Anyway... I’m sorry that you and Skeeter are having this little spat. Seems all of the couples around here are."

"Yeah," Clifford said. "How’s it goin’ with you and Piggy?"

The theater door burst open again, and Miss Piggy entered to a fanfare of unseen trumpets in sunglasses and her "shopping" clothes. "Hello little people," she said sweetly. "Moi, has a arrived."

She whipped around. "Alright, meat, let’s move it. I’ve got so many things to try on!" She began climbing the stairs to her dressing room.

Link hobbled in from the door, carrying at least a dozen shopping bags towering over him in his left arm, and holding a trumpet in his right. "Don’t I know it," he grunted.

Kermit scrunched up his face as he and Clifford watched Link drag himself, and the shopping bags up the stairs. "This would be much easier if she didn’t need a fanfare everywhere she went."

"C’mon, pork rind! Moi doesn’t have all day, ya know!" Piggy growled.

"Unh, yes ma’am," Link groaned.

The door slammed behind the two pigs as they adjourned to Piggy’s dressing room.

Kermit turned to Clifford, who was chuckling menacingly. "That is how it’s going with me and Piggy."

"Heh, heh. Do I sense some jealousy?" Clifford asked.

"I certainly hope so," Kermit said. "But I hope Piggy doesn’t sense it. If she does, she’ll know her stupid plan is working on me." Kermit sighed.

"Heh, perk up, polliwog," Clifford said.

Kermit smirked. "I’m about as far away from a polliwog as you can get."

"How so?" Clifford asked.

"Well, first of all, these emotions I’m having are way too complicated and mature for a young polliwog," Kermit said with a suave accent. "That, and I have legs."

"Kermit! Kermit!" Fozzie called, running in from the stage.

"Yes, Fozzie?" Kermit asked.

"How are you?" Fozzie asked blankly.

Kermit tilted his head. "I’m... I’m fine Fozzie..."

"Aren’t you going to ask how I am?" Fozzie asked.

Kermit looked to Clifford, Clifford shrugged. "Um, how are you Fozzie?" Kermit asked.

"I’m fine and dandelion," Fozzie said. "Ahh! Wocka! Wocka!"

"...Fozzie, what does that have to do with anything?" Kermit asked.

"I figured you needed a laugh," Fozzie said. He looked from side to side. "You see," he said. "I just heard about you and Piggy," he whispered.

If Kermit could blink, he would have. "You... just now heard about it?" Fozzie nodded. "Fozzie," Kermit said. "It happened almost a week ago."

Fozzie shrugged. "I don’t watch the news. It’s just not funny enough."

"It’s not s’pposed to be funny," Clifford said.

"Oh." Fozzie scratched his head. "Maybe that’s why I don’t watch it."

Kermit turned to Clifford. "This was on the news?" he asked warily.

"Ask Gonzo," Clifford said.

Kermit sighed. "Figures," he said. "Where is he?"

"Bombs away!" The weirdo fell from the ceiling, landing in between Kermit and Fozzie. "Hi, Kermit!" Gonzo grinned.

Kermit frowned. "Gonzo, did you tell the news station about me and Piggy?" he asked.

"Sure did!" Gonzo said. "Did you see it?"

"Gonzo!" Kermit shouted. "Why?"

"Because the doctor’s said if I didn’t my nose would grow into my belly button. I thought it would be cool, but Camilla wouldn’t go for it," Gonzo said. Everyone stared at the whatever. "...Wouldn't you go for it?" he asked.

Kermit groaned loudly. "Why did you put us on the news?" Kermit shouted.

"You said you wanted publicity!" Gonzo shouted.

"I also said I wanted The Swedish Chef to cater Aunt Marge’s birthday party this weekend!" Kermit said angrily.

"You did? Cool!" Gonzo said.

"Gonzo!" Kermit scolded. "I’m not being serious all the time!"

"Well, were you being serious when you said you wanted publicity?" Gonzo asked.

Kermit sighed angrily. "Yes!"

"Then what’s the problem?"

"Not that kind of publicity!"

"Well what kind of publicity do you want?" Gonzo asked. "Because I can get you on radio talk shows."

"I want publicity for the show! Not me and Piggy!" Kermit shouted.

"Piggy sure seems to want publicity for her and Link, though," Clifford said.

"Yeah, there was a picture of them next to the funny pages," Fozzie said.

"So you read the newspaper, but you don’t watch the news?" Clifford asked.

"The newspaper has comedy. I mean, the news could," Fozzie said. "Maybe that Larry King fella could try a clown nose and a rubber chicken."

"Don’t say chicken!" Gonzo shouted. "It reminds me of Camilla..."

"Gonzo?" Kermit asked, finally calming down some.

"Yes?" Gonzo asked cheerfully.

"No more publicity, okay?" Kermit asked. "That goes for all of you," Kermit said.

"What about your spot on ‘Max’ next week?" Fozzie asked.

Kermit peered at his calendar. "I’ll be there." Kermit smiled.

"Great!" Fozzie said. "I’ll start writing you a script!"

Kermit nodded reluctantly. "Alright," Kermit said. "But Fozzie?"

"Yes, Kermit?" Fozzie asked innocently.

"No pig jokes."

 

[TogetherAgain]

NO PIG JOKES! Prawnie you went and got me all melty inside! And I TOTALLY get the corny jokes joke, and OY so much AWESOMENESS I COULD BURST! And DANDELIONS and FOZZIE NEWS and WHEEEEE! And the FANFARE and OY! Jealosy! Paula Abdul! WHAZAVABIZABAVIJA! EEEEEEEEE! And and and SWEETUMS! SWEEEEEEEEEEEETUMS! TO SCHOOL! WHEEEEEE! And Robin and Scooter and CHEF TRAIL MIX and OYYYYY everything! Oh, and the POLLYWOG THING! LEGS! And and and and and ROBBIE-POO! OY! And the WHOLE frog thing with the chicken catch fly and tongue and THE SWELLY NECK THING! But Aunt Marge it's a MYTH, a MYTH I tell you! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PRAWNIE I LOVE YOU! I GLOMP YOU! I GLOMP ALL THE WAY TO NEXT TOMORROW! I don't even have to put socks ON in the morning for this story to ROCK MY FREAKING EXPLODING SOCKS OFF! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH FLY-SHOE PIE ON TOP!

 

[The Count]

Yeah... What she said. More please.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 10

The drums rolled and the trumpets blared as Kermit stepped through the gigantic "O." The spotlight clicked on and Kermit took in a whiff of enthusiasm. "It’s ‘The Muppet Show!’" he shouted. "C’mon, let’s have a good time!"

Kermit pulled back out of the "O" and trotted backstage as the theme song played. "Ready, boss?" Scooter asked.

"I sure hope so," Kermit said.

"Kermit! Kermit!" Gonzo shouted, running up to the frog.

"Gonzo? What are you doing? Where’s your trumpet?" Kermit asked.

"On stage," Gonzo said. "But that’s not the problem right now!"

"Yes it is!" Kermit shouted. "You have to blow it in-"

"Now!" Scooter shouted.

"I know, I know, but Kermit I really need to talk to you!" Gonzo begged.

"After you blow the trumpet!" Kermit shouted. "Now go!" He pushed Gonzo out on stage.

"Boss?" Scooter asked.

"Yes?"

"You’ve got to get out there and finish the theme song!" Scooter said.

"Oh! Good grief!" Kermit shouted, running back on stage and sitting under one of the arches with Miss Piggy and Fozzie on each side. He looked at Piggy, who snubbed him off. He sighed, and forced himself to sing as the curtains drew back open. "It’s the most sensational
Inspirational
Celebrational
Muppetational-
This is what we call
The Muppet Show!" Kermit and the rest of the cast under the arches sang.

The audience applauded wildly, all except for a wrinkled puce-colored frog in the front row with a small dark green frog, practically up on his seat in excitement. "It’s gonna be a long night," she muttered.

Kermit took center stage in front of the big red curtains. "Hello! Hello! Welcome again to ‘The Muppet Show!’" Kermit addressed the audience. "We’ve got a fantastic show for you tonight, with a couple of acts that will-"

"A couple?" a crotchety old voice called down.

"Yeah, I thought all of the couples on this show were split!" another replied.

Both Statler and Waldorf partook in a hearty belly laugh at the frog’s expense. Kermit scrunched up his face. "Do you mind? I’m trying to put on a show here."

"Yeah?" Statler asked. "Well you’d better keep trying!"

They both laughed again. Kermit grunted. "Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem!" Kermit said, following the curtains as they opened, almost knocking into Beauregard, who was mopping up backstage (like always).

As soon as Kermit got to his desk he was froggy-face-to-nose with Gonzo. The frog frowned. "You wanted to talk to me about something, Gonzo?"

"Yes!" Gonzo shouted. "Kermit, I need to do a song on the show tonight!"

Kermit did a double-take. "Hubba hubba wha’?"

Gonzo nodded. "That’s what I hope to make her say, yes!"

Kermit looked Gonzo in the eyes. "Can you blink?"

"Sort of, why?" Gonzo asked.

"Because I’d like to," Kermit said. "Anyway, why on Earth would you need to do a song tonight?"

"To win back Camilla through limericks, of course!" Gonzo said.

Kermit shook his head. "Of course, what was I thinking?"

"Never ask yourself that question," Gonzo said. "That’s what I do, and look at how I turned out!"

Kermit looked down at his desk. "Scooter?"

Scooter popped up out of nowhere. "Yes, boss?"

"It’s probably not normal that I’m not frightened when you do that, is it?" Kermit asked.

Scooter shrugged. "Don’t ask me, I just go-fer coffee and go-fer sandwiches."

"And that’s what we let your uncle think we pay you for," Kermit said, putting his arm on Scooter’s shoulder. "Anyway, do we have any acts that could be replaced by Gonzo?"

"Well, there’s always Beauregard’s harmonica solo," Scooter said.

Beauregard stopped his continuous mopping. "Oh." He sighed. "I suppose there is always next week for me to do my act."

Kermit turned to the janitor. "Tell ya what, Beau, I’ll let you escort my dear Aunt Marge to her surprise birthday party on Saturday night."

"Really?" Beauregard said with wide eyes. "Oh, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?" he asked.

"Of course!" Kermit, Gonzo, and Scooter said in unison.

Beauregard nodded. "Alrighty then, I’ll do it!"

"Great," Kermit said. "Alright Scooter, Beau’s out, Gonzo’s in."

"You mean it, Kermit?" Gonzo asked.

"Of course I do, Gonzo." Kermit smiled. "Someone around here should have a good relationship."

"Great!" Gonzo shouted. "Rizzo!"

Rizzo came running up to Gonzo. "Yeah, what?"

"Give ‘em the bird!" Gonzo told him.

"Finally!" Rizzo said.

"Beg pardon?" Kermit asked.

"Don’t worry, Kermit, we’ll make sure your fingers are clean in this," Gonzo reassured the frog.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Fozzie?" Kermit said to the bear, who was standing up on the balcony backstage fiddling with a rubber chicken.

"Yeah?"

"How many times do I have to ask you to stop writing your jokes on the bathroom walls?"

"But Kermit, I haven’t done that in ages," Fozzie said.

"Well then where are they getting all this toilet humor?" Kermit asked.

"Now where’s the rim shot?" Rizzo asked.

Suddenly, a large drum with a toothy mouth bounced backstage. "How did you do that?" Gonzo asked.

Rizzo shrugged. "I don’t question the weat’er, neit’er should you."

Gonzo nodded. "Alright, c’mon then!" Gonzo said as he and Rizzo ran off.

Kermit shook his head. "Looks like Animal got fed up with the number they were doing."

Scooter peered on stage. "Not exactly," he said.

"Huh?" Kermit asked.

Floyd came stomping backstage. "Man, I can’t take it no more!" he declared.

Kermit turned swiftly to Scooter, then back to Floyd. "Floyd, did you hurl that drum?"

"Someone had to, man!" Floyd said. "Zoot and Janice just sang harmony!"

Kermit’s face softened. "Would it be un-cool to hug you?" he asked.

"Distinctly," Floyd said.

"Then what do you propose I can do for you?" Kermit asked.

"That’s easy," Floyd said. "No more songs till this thing’s blown over!"

"Anyway I can add a gust to the force blowing it over?" Kermit asked. "Because aside from you guys, all we have is Gonzo."

Floyd sighed and started to walk away. "Just get the pig back, man," Floyd said softly.

Kermit watched Floyd walk away. "Scooter..." Kermit said softly.

"Yeah, boss?" Scooter said.

"Please go introduce the next act."

Scooter nodded. "Right away, boss."

"Fozzie?" Kermit said to his best friend. "Can we talk?"

Fozzie nodded. "Okay..." Fozzie said. "But tomorrow’s Friday, you know."

Kermit smiled. "I know, I know." Kermit scribbled something on a notepad on his desk, and he and Fozzie left the theater.

Scooter came back from introducing the act, and noticed the lack of Kermit. He looked down at the desk and read. "Scooter - Let Clifford introduce the rest of the acts and close the show. Fozzie and I will see you at home. Signed, K.T.F."

<~><~><~><~><~>

"Sam! Sam! Sam!" Rizzo shouted, running up to the eagle, who was being ordered around by Camilla.

Sam glared down at the rat. "Can I help you?"

Rizzo rolled his eyes. "No, I just love runnin’ around shoutin’ out your name!"
"Bragawk bawk!" Camilla clucked at him.

Rizzo ignored Camilla’s threats. "Listen, Sam, Kermit said he wanted you to observe t’is week’s show from da front row of da audience, and he said you could take detailed notes on morals and family values."

Sam gasped. "Oh, I would be honored," he said. "Come along, Camilla, we have had our call of duty!"

"Bawk! Byuck bawk!" Camilla argued.

"But, Camilla," Sam said sternly. "It is the American way!"

Rizzo chuckled to himself as Sam and Camilla walked away. Pepe came walking over to the rat. "Ritzo... what are jou doing?"

Rizzo grinned. "Great! We need anot’er back-up singer!"

"I’m sorry... what?" Pepe asked.

"Just c’mon, four arms," Rizzo said.

"No way, hokay? Not t’is time, Ritzo," Pepe said. "I want to know exactly what I am getting myself into, hokay?"

Rizzo moaned. "You’re comin’ wit’ me to sing back-up for Gonzo while he tries to win Camilla back!" Rizzo shouted.

"Well why didn’t jou just say so?" Pepe asked. "T’ere is no need to shout about it, hokay?"

"Will you just c’mon?" Rizzo said, dragging Pepe behind him.

<~><~><~><~><~>

Clifford walked out on stage, chuckling as the audience applauded. "Alright, ya’ll, now we’ve got a real special treat for ya! Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!"

The audience started clapping again as the curtains opened, revealing Gonzo. The weirdo ran up to the front of the stage and peered down into the front row. "Good, not there yet," Gonzo whispered. "Um, hey! You there!" He pointed down into the front row. "The couple next to the ancient frog lady!"

The man of the couple looked around. "Me?"

"Of course you, ya twit!" Aunt Marge shouted.

"Yeah, you!" Gonzo said. "I just wanted to tell you and your lovely female companion that those are the two seats where I grow my mold collection. I just wanted to thank you for accepting them as part of your wardrobe."

The couple exchanged glances, and quickly vacated the theater. Just in time for Camilla and Sam to take their seats, with Sam next to Aunt Marge.

"Tell me, miss," Sam whispered to her. "Has the show withheld any morals so far?"

"With all these weirdos?" Aunt Marge asked. "Not a lick!"

"Finally!" Sam said. "Someone who has a taste in culture!"

"Brawk!" Camilla clucked, silencing the two.

"Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I, the Great Gonzo will not be performing a feat of lunatic daring and fantastic danger!" Gonzo said. Certain members of the audience applauded. "Instead, I’ll be singing a song!" This time everyone in the audience groaned. "Yes! A love ballad, to my dear sweet, chicky, Camilla!" Camilla shrunk down into her seat.

"Alright guys, c’mon out!" Gonzo shouted off stage. Pepe, Rizzo, and Animal came on stage wearing matching red suits. "Hit it, Rowlf!"

Rowlf played the first chords on his piano in the band pit, and Gonzo began to dance, sliding across the stage.

"You just don’t know what it’s like
When the bottom drops out of your life
When your reason to be
Disappears suddenly
And your melody loses its song," Gonzo sang slowly.

The music picked up tempo, and the back-up singers began going "Babidi, babidi, babidi," with the music.

"Camilla, Camilla
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
Camilla," Gonzo sang.

"Babidi, babidi, babidi, babidi!" Animal chanted.

"Our walks in the park
Our talks in the dark
Aren’t just faded memories
Our time all alone
Are the best I’ve ever known.

"Now they’re gone
Now they’re gone
Whoa, whoa!" Gonzo sang.

"Camilla, Camilla," Gonzo and the back-up singers sang.

"Camilla, he needs ya!" Rizzo said. "Each day and night, to make things go right, and if you don’t come back to him, it’ll never be da same!"

"Ahhhh!" Gonzo screamed.
"And now what am I s’pposed to do?
Will I ever regret what’s for you?
When each day was a song
With you singing along-"

"Camilla," Gonzo said. "Camilla! Camiiiiiilla!" Gonzo held her name. "Talk to me with your guitar, Floyd!"

Floyd came out on stage for his guitar solo, as Gonzo and the back-up singers/dancers danced around the stage. Gonzo returned to the center, and Floyd with him, and continued singing.

"You just don’t know what it’s like
When the bottom drops out of your life
When your reason to be
Disappears suddenly
Camilla, Camilla
Ahhhhh!" Gonzo screamed.

"And now what am I s’pposed to do?
Will I ever regret what’s for you?
When each day was a song
With you singing along
Camilla! Camiiiilla!"

The audience roared with applause, even Sam stood up and cheered. "Oh! Yes! Hear, hear! Decent, family entertainment!"

However, even after the weirdo poured his heart into a song, and much to Gonzo’s dismay (but Sam’s happiness) Camilla had left the theater.

 

[TogetherAgain]

...She... left?...

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, okay, so, I am ...SEVERLY wounded by this chapter, and... and the PAIN, and... and... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

<TOTAL GLOMP> <And total snuggle> <hugs ushy gushy pillow> <whimper>

MORE PLEASE!

 

[Leyla]

Awww... Camilla left! Well, he'll get her yet. That was a very good effort. Actually, I have no idea what your plans are Prawnie, but I think Gonzo will get his chickie baby back first... since he so obviously wants her back... which is all the girls really want from their menfolk anyway, to be wanted. Well, that, and a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

And Kermit's sympathy was very subtly presented, and very sweet and touching. He's still probably gonna be the last one to get his girl back though, what with him not wanting her to know that he wants her back. I know logic is no muppet strength but still...

<sigh> He's cute. He's a cute frog.

Go Gonzo! You'll win her over yet!

 

[The Count]

Yeah man... Maybe this'll serve as a bit of added inspiration for whenever Ru comes back and keeps going with KG, Gonzo's lost his chick in that one too. Not to mention she's quite cross with the weirdo in Melissa's The Great Desire which has yet to be updated...

Heh, just keep postin'.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 11

Fozzie came walking back to the table carrying two cups of coffee. He handed one to Kermit and sat down across from him.

"But Fozzie, you don’t even like coffee," Kermit said.

Fozzie looked down at his drink. "Oh yeah."

Kermit stirred the coffee around with his finger and sighed. "I just don’t know what to think anymore, Fozzie," he said. "I mean, even Floyd wants me and Piggy to get back together."

"Yeah," Fozzie said, scooping several spoonfuls of sugar into his coffee. "And I get the feeling that he doesn’t really like Piggy that much."

Kermit took a sip of the coffee. "Ya know, Fozzie, you just might be right."

"You really think so?" Fozzie asked.

Kermit smirked. "Anyway, I’m just not sure how I can get Miss Piggy back."

"Have you tried Bunsen’s new P-Harmony machine?" Fozzie asked.

"I completely forgot about that," Kermit said. "Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt..."

"Unless you’re asking Beaker." Fozzie switched from sugar to creamer.

"That’s true," Kermit said.

"But seriously, Kermit, I think that all you have to do is tell Miss Piggy you’re sorry, and she’ll take you back," Fozzie said.

"I wish it were that easy, Fozzie," Kermit said.

"Why isn’t it?" Fozzie asked.

"Because if I do that, Miss Piggy will realize that she’s gotten to me," Kermit said.

Fozzie started stirring his no-longer coffee colored coffee. "But... she has gotten to you, hasn’t she?"

"Of course she has," Kermit said.

"Then why can’t she realize that?" Fozzie asked.

"Because that would mean she realized she won," Kermit said.

Fozzie stared at Kermit. "And that would be... bad?"

"Of course it would," Kermit said. "She’d hold it over my head for the rest of our lives!"

"Oh," Fozzie said.

"So you see why I can’t give in?" Kermit asked.

"Not really, no," Fozzie said.

"You’ve never been in a relationship, have you?" Kermit asked.

"Nope," Fozzie said with a smile.

Kermit smiled back. "And that’s why we love ya, Foz," Kermit said. "Why I come to you for relationship advice, I’ll never know."

"You’ve gotta admit, though, Kermit," Fozzie said. "It does make a good conversation topic."

Kermit smirked. "So do you have any ideas on how I can win back Piggy without letting her know she caught me off my rocker?"

"Which rocker were you on, Kermit?" Fozzie asked, shocked. "Is that why Floyd and Janice are broken up?"

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Fozzie, that’s terrible!" Kermit said.

"I know, I know," Fozzie said. "Everyone says that, every time."

Kermit shook his head. "Why do I put myself through this?"

"I thought Piggy was putting you through this," Fozzie said.

"Right now you’re putting me through this," Kermit said.

"Oh, sorry," Fozzie said.

Kermit sighed. "It’s okay, Fozzie," he said. "I just hope I feel up to doing that talk show next weekend."

Fozzie nodded. He began to stir around his coffee. "...That’s it!" he shouted, spilling his coffee everywhere.

Kermit jumped up from his seat to grab napkins. "What? What’s it, Fozzie?"

Fozzie looked right at Kermit. "Oh. Uh, nothing, really."

Kermit tilted his head at Fozzie. "But... you just spilled your coffee everywhere."

"Oh, um..." Fozzie bit his fingers. "You’ll find out next week!"

Kermit wiped up the coffee on the table. "...Okay..." Kermit said.

"Yup," Fozzie said, helping Kermit wipe up.

Kermit smirked. "Fozzie," Kermit said, sitting back down. "What are you up to?"

Fozzie sat down as well. "About seventy or eighty jokes today, why?"

Kermit folded his arms and smirked. "This better be a good surprise."

"Oh, oh, it will be!" Fozzie said.

Kermit smiled. "I don’t doubt it."

"Well now what?" Fozzie asked.

"Small talk," Kermit said.

"Like... honeycomb, and spider webs, and starfish in the sea?" Fozzie asked.

"Not literal small talk, Fozzie," Kermit said.

"Oh, you should’ve specified."

<~><~><~><~><~>

Camilla came bursting through the door of the Muppet Boarding House. "Brawk bawk byuck bawk bragawk buck bawk!" she clucked frantically.

Skeeter nearly fell off the couch in her pajamas while holding a quart of ice cream. "You know I can't understand you if you cluck that fast! Slow down!" she shouted from the floor.

"Brawk bawk!" Camilla clucked. "Bragawk byuck bawk, Gonzo!" she moaned. "Buck bawk bragawk!"

"Oh no..." Skeeter said. "I leave you alone for one show to take my night off, and it all goes up in smoke!"

"Bawk, bawk!" Camilla wailed. "Bragawk!"

"You can’t!" Skeeter shouted.

"Brawk!"

"But- but our plan!" Skeeter said, climbing up off the floor back onto the couch. "If you- no pun intended- chicken out, it all falls through!"

Camilla groaned and sat next to Skeeter on the couch. "Brawk, byuck bawk buck," Camilla clucked meekly.

"Just sit tight," Skeeter said. "I’ll go get you a spoon."

Skeeter went into the kitchen, and returned swiftly, as if afraid Camilla may flee. She placed the spoon into Camilla’s beak. "Brawk," Camilla mumbled, scooping some of the ice cream. She eyed the spoon, trying to figure out how to eat the ice cream.

"Here," Skeeter said. "Let me help," she said. She grabbed the spoon and fed it to Camilla. "Now! Let’s look at the positives of this."

"Brawk bawk?"

"On the bright side, obviously no matter what you do, he’ll still love you," Skeeter said.

Camilla shrugged, and started pecking wildly at the ice cream. Skeeter smirked, and tossed the spoon behind her. "So, there’s really no harm in waiting just the teeniest bit longer, that way Janice and I can still get our sweet revenge."

"Brawk? Byuck buck bawk bragawk," Camilla clucked.

Skeeter rolled her eyes. "Of course Janice has a grudge against Floyd! Why else would she have broken up with him?"

"Brawk bawk!"

"What do you mean I forced her to?"

"Byuck buck bawk!"

"I am not a crazed puppet-master!"

Camilla shrugged. "Bawk, brawk buck."

"That’s right," Skeeter said. "I’m about as far from it as can be."

Camilla continued devouring the ice cream. "So," Skeeter said. "You’ll wait? Just a bit longer?"

Camilla sighed. "Brawk bawk."

"Great!" Skeeter shouted, hugging Camilla.

"Bawk!" Camilla shouted. "Bagawk brawk byuck bawk!"

"Does it have to be fifteen feet? That’s a little far for a couple to be apart..." Skeeter said.

"Brawk," Camilla groaned. "Bawk. Byuck bawk."

"Yeah, two’s good," Skeeter said.

"Brawk," Camilla clucked.

"Yeah, and that’s probably as close as Sam will ever get to a woman," Skeeter said.

Both girls giggled, and finished off the quart of ice cream.

 

[TogetherAgain]

HONEYCOMB AND SPIDERWEBS AND STARFISH IN THE SEA! COFFEE! RELATIONSHIP ADVICE! ROCKER! DID I GLOMP YOU YET? WHEEEEEEEEEE!

I should probably NOT use all caps, huh? ...Oh well.

FOZZIE'S IDEA! FOZZIE HAS AN IDEA AND I WANNA SEE IT AND WHEEEEEE! PUTTING KERMIT THROUGH THIS, and... and...

ICE CREEEEEEEEAM! SPOON! POSITIVES! CRAAAAAAAZED PUPPET MASTER! PUPPET! MASTER! AS FAR FROM IT AS CAN BE! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

Fifteen feet! Two feet! CLOSE AS SAM WILL EVER GET! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

<GLOMP!> <GLOMP!> <GLOMP!> <<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS!>>>>>>>>>>>> <Snuggle>

MORE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!