Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[Fragglemuppet]

Oh yes, the Sam and Camilla scene was my favorite. I can't believe Sam couldn't understand her either! He's a bird for crying out loud! Wait, did I just say that? Oh, really!
Anyway, did anyone else notice that Skeeter was the only one who actually looked at Clifferd before she left? Awww!

More please!

 

[TogetherAgain]

<Ahem> As promised.

"Because," Skeeter snapped. "Clifford, Floyd, and Gonzo are in there! If they see us pick up new guys, they’ll know we mean business!"

"Like, okay," Janice said. "But do I have to wear a suit?"

I don't know why I missed this the first time I read it, but it's cute!

"Hey, hey!" Floyd called to Janice. "‘Bout time you came around! Pop a squat next to your main squeeze, baby!"

<Shakes head> Floyd, silly silly Floyd. Don't you know what happens when you assume?

"Um, like, no thanks," Janice said. Janice looked the room over at all the available men. Clifford and Gonzo were ruled out, Sam would just be too weird, Lew smelled like fish (and Janice was a vegetarian), and Scooter was Skeeter’s brother. So, that left Johnny, Sal, or Zoot.

One- Ouch. Floyd SO just got turned down right in front of the guys. Two- I spy a reference to Beau. Three- LOVE the comment on Lew, especially in conjunction with Janice's vegetarianism. Four- just plain awesome that they won't date Skeeter's brother.

"Like, Johnny," Janice said quietly. "Do you like, like, veggie wraps?"

Can I just say that I LOVE the double-like?

Johnny slowly turned to look at Janice. He rose his eyebrow. "Sal, what is she talkin’ about?"

Sal shrugged. "I think she’s talking about those wussy green things in bowls!"

"Grapes?" Johnny asked.

"No, no, that ain’t it," Sal said. "They’re called like... sailors! Yeah! Sailors!"

<Laughs!> Oh, they have no CLUE! LOVE that they're consulting with each other right in front of her, not hiding it all. Awesome!

"Salads, you buffoons!" Sam shouted.

Johnny and Sal looked at each other and shrugged, returning to their T.V. time.

<giggles> Love that Sam just sort of jumped in, and that Johnny and Sal just sort of don't care.

Janice walked over to Zoot and tapped him on the shoulder. "Zoot, would you like, totally want to get an organic cup of coffee with me sometime?" Janice asked the snoozing saxophonist.

Now see, at least Zoot understands that kind of talk. ...When he's awake, at least...

Zoot cocked his head slightly. "Wha’?" he asked quietly.

...Like I said, when he's awake...

"Would you like to, like, rully go out with me sometime?" Janice reiterated.

And she says it straight out! <BOUNCES>

Zoot’s mouth hung open slightly as he glanced over at Floyd. "I’m uh-"

You know what I especially love about this pairing? The fact that Janice was with Zoot in "At the Dance" for the first season. Also- LOVE that Zoot looks at Floyd!

"Like, great!" Janice said. "See you later!" Janice trotted off prominently past Floyd, who just stared at her.

HA! He didn't even say, "yes," he just sort of got dragged into it without even realizing what was happening! Oh, this is SO gonna create some MAJOR intra-band conflict! <BOUNCES>

Camilla nodded. "Brawk!" She trotted out into the living room, not even glancing at Gonzo. She waddled right up to Sam Eagle and pecked at his chest.

Sam bent his head slowly downwards to look at Camilla. "May I help you?"

Okay, LOVE that she went straight to Sam. How perfect! He's another bird, and about the farthest personality from Gonzo's you can possibly have!

"Brawk," Camilla clucked. "Bragawk byuck bawk, brawk. Buck bragawk?"

"You what?" Gonzo shouted.

"What?" Sam asked. "What did she say?"

"She- she said-" Gonzo gulped. "She- she fancies your- your wings!"

I LOVE how STUNNED Gonzo is! And that he has to translate for Sam. The fact that Sam can't understand Camilla should make their "dates" rather... interesting, to say the least.

[QUOTE='Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart...]Sam looked from side to side. "Um... well- I- your wings are very... fluffy?"

Gonzo’s mouth fell open. "How- how dare you, Sam?"

"Well, I am not exactly sure," Sam said. "Um, what did I say?"[/QUOTE]
<Laughs!> Oh this is HILARIOUS! Love how Sam doesn't even realize what he's saying, and Gonzo's all offended, and- WHEEE! Oh, I SO think the blow the girls are dealing just might hit Gonzo the hardest. Or at least, thus far. It could very easily change, what with the aforementioned intra-band conflict and OOOOOOOOH, I am SO excited for this story!

Camilla pecked at Sam’s chest again. "Brawk! Bagawk, byuck bawk?"

Sam looked at Gonzo. "Um, what did she say?"

Gonzo’s eyes widened. "Sh-she said- ‘wanna go dancing, stiff knees?’"

<giggles> Poor Gonzo! You've just gotta feel bad for the weirdo...

"Well, I suppose I could-" Sam began.

"Bawk!" Camilla clucked, grabbing on to Sam’s wing with her beak and pulling him away.

"What have I gotten myself into?" Sam asked himself aloud.

Oh, nothing. Just an evil scheme concocted by rightfully angry females to break the hearts of Gonzo, Clifford, and Floyd. Hope you don't mind playing a pawn in this chess game of love...

As Sam and Camilla left the living room, Gonzo turned to Floyd. "Wh-what just happened?"

Oh, they are SO SHOCKED! I love it!

Clifford chuckled. "You guys got dumped!" he said.

Don't jinx yourself...

"Yeah, and I get paid!" Sal said to Clifford. "Ten bucks!"

"Not yet you don’t, chimp!" Clifford said. "My girl hasn’t dumped me yet."

"Yet being the key word there," Scooter said as he watched Skeeter walk over towards Johnny.

I especially love Scooter's line. Love Cliff calling Sal "chimp," and love the very existance of the bet.

"Oh, hey!" Lew shouted towards Skeeter. "Are you looking for a new boyfriend, too?"

<Laughs!> Lew is so eager... I wonder if he's EVER been on a date...

"Uh, well- yes! Johnny, let’s go get ice cream, whadaya say?" Skeeter asked quickly.

<giggles> Nice, Skeeter. Heaven forbid you date Lew Zealand, eh?

Johnny rose his eyebrows. "Uh, yeah, Skeeter, we can go."

<Giggles> And he just kinda goes along with it...

Sal laughed and held out his hand towards Clifford. Clifford slammed down a ten dollar bill into Sal’s hand. Sal turned to Johnny, laughing.

"Hey Sal, lend me ten bucks so I can go buy Skeeter ice cream," Johnny said.

"But Johnny, I just-"

"Sal," Johnny said. "Just look at ‘er, huh? Gimme the ten bucks."

Oh, that is SO typical Johnny/Sal! And FUNNY! Also- love that you used the word "slammed." Very... Well, that is... it conveys A LOT with just one word. All you TECHNICALLY show is is Clifford giving Sal a ten dollar bill. But by using the words "slammed down," now we see much more than that- we see ANGRY Clifford with this disgusted look on his face and OOH! Awesome, awesome job, Prawnie.

"Wow," Lew said.

"Yeah..." Gonzo whispered.

"I was the only one who didn’t get a girl!" Lew said. "Go figure. Oh well, c’mon Kristen," he said to his boomerang fish as he left.

AWESOME! Oh, that is SO Muppet! The room is all in shock from this emotional upheaval of relationships, and Lew TOTALLY has a different perspective and just- "What, there's a solemn mood around here? Oh well, not anymore!"

Clifford, Floyd, and Gonzo all looked at each other. "Ya’ll," Clifford said. "We’ve been completely-"

A loud explosion from the kitchen cut Clifford off. "Ya doorsky por lee hoppin struse!" The Swedish Chef coughed as he barreled out of the now-smoking kitchen.

<GRINS> Like I just said. "Serious stuff? Where?" <KABLOWIE!> Also- <TOTAL GLOMP> for Chef! WHEEEEE!

Clifford sighed. "I’ll call the fire department. Again."

Yup, just another day at the MBH.

Caffeine. That’s what she needed, caffeine.

Ooh, me too, it's such a dreary day out today, all dark and cloudy and rainy and it just makes me feel all drowsy and- hm, if only I liked coffee.

"C’mon bacon grease, we’re getting coffee," Piggy said.

"But that stunts my growth," Link whined.

Piggy groaned. "Moi definitely needs caffeine."

<Giggles> Piggy, I have a feeling you need a lot more than caffeine.

"Miss Piggy," Link said to her. "I really enjoy being your boyfriend."

<stomach lurch> OH oy vey, PLEASE don't make me hurl, Link...

"Cram it, Hogthrob!" Piggy shouted. "You’re not really my boyfriend."

Hallelujah.

Link frowned. "I’m not?"

NO!

"No," Piggy said. "Vous are just acting like it, to help moi win back that good-for-nothing frog."

See? Told you so. Piggy ALWAYS has a plot brewing...

"If he’s good for nothing, why do you want to win him back?" Link asked.

...Link... You have a LOT to learn about the mechanisms of the female mind.

Piggy guzzled down her coffee. "Have ya looked at him?"

...I. LOVE. That answer. Now please excuse me whilst I swoon over Piggy's magnificence. (I think Leyla's rubbing off on me...)

Link stirred his coffee around. "So... you’re just using me?"

Ooh, look, he figured something out! Yay Link! You get a gold star. Good job!

Piggy looked down swiftly. "Um, well, you see, moi is-"

LOVE that she feels at least a little guilty about it.

"Because if you are," Link interrupted. "I’m just glad for the publicity."

<shakes head> His priorities are SO... unprioritized.

"The what?" Piggy asked.

Link pointed to the window of the café behind Piggy. She whipped around and saw two men taking her and Link’s picture.

A grin slowly spread across Piggy’s face. "Ooh, this could be fun."

Oh yes, it could! Now what I wonder is- what could be fun? Flaunting for the press, while happening to be with Link, or the effects that will have on the frog?

Link scratched his head. "Do you think I have to sign a release form to be in those pictures?"

<Headslap>

MORE PLEASE, PRAWNIE, MORE PLEASE! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[The Count]

Yeah... Have to agree with Toga there. At least the last part.
More please!

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

This made me squeal happily much like a little girl. X3
I loved it because:

I could see Johnny acting all silly with Sal not taking poor Janice's hint.
Sam not understanding Camilla.
Link's 'publicity' statement (I felt sympathetic for a moment).
Miss Piggy--you show her meanish side very well.
I love this fic. I am glad you updated Prawn <3.

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 6

"Oh Kermie!" Aunt Marge called to her nephew.

Kermit sighed. He turned to Fozzie, "Please, teach me how to die on the spot like your jokes?"

"Sorry Kermit, I've only got a substitute teacher’s degree, so unless you’re in need of a substitute, I can’t help you," Fozzie said.

Clifford lowered his sunglasses in Fozzie’s direction. "...Actually, I think that said it all."

"Kermie!" Aunt Marge whined again, now in the room. "When are you going to give me that foot massage you promised?"

Kermit frowned. "Aunt Marge, not to sound rude, but when did I promise you a foot massage?"
"Yeah, you don't even have feet," Fozzie said. "You have flippers."

Ignoring the bear, as usual, Aunt Marge turned to Kermit. "Oh, Kermie, my sweet nephew, you wouldn’t give your dear aunty a flipper massage?"

"Tell ya what, dear aunty." Kermit smiled. "You will get a flipper massage, just go on upstairs to your room, and give me ten minutes."

Aunt Marge smiled her old, wrinkled smile. "Thank you Kermie, you're such a sweet heart." She pinched her nephew’s cheek.

"Try tellin’ Piggy that," Clifford smirked.

"I’ll leave that to you," Aunt Marge said. "Ten minutes, Kermie." She turned and headed back up the stairs.

"Man, Kerm, you're in deep this time." Clifford laughed.

Bobo sat up in the beanbag chair. "Not as deep as you might think my friend," he said. "If I know Kermit, he’s got a plan already hatching. Speaking of which, anybody want some scrambled eggs?"

"No thanks," Fozzie said. "Remember what happened last time we had scrambled eggs?"

"You mean after Camilla rallied the hens and held a revolt? Or before the cake exploded?" Clifford asked.

"Uh, both," Fozzie said. "I think."

Kermit shook his head. He grabbed his plate off the coffee table and stood up. "If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some lackeys to hire."

As Kermit walked into the dining room; ducking under a boomerang fish, of course; he was stopped by Scooter and Sal who were sitting at the dining room table, discussing relationships. "Hey, Kermit, c’mere for a second," Sal said.

Kermit shrugged, and did so. "Yeah, what's up?" he asked.

"Boss, Sal and I are placing bets on Skeeter's new relationship," Scooter said.

"Yeah, and Johnny Fiama’s new relationship, too!" Sal said.

"Oh?" Kermit smirked. "Really now, that’s interesting. What’s the bet?"

"Well, I think that Skeeter will dump him, ‘cause they’re both so high maintenance," Scooter said.

"Yeah," Sal nodded. "And I think that Johnny Fiama’s gonna drop her like a tonna bricks ‘cause she won't cook for ‘im."

"And you want my opinion?" Kermit asked.

"And whatever’s in your wallet," Sal said.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Well, you know me, I don’t gamble. But my completely unbiased opinion is that once dinner is held at Mrs. Fiama’s house, it’s all over."

"Why’s that boss?" Scooter asked. "Skeeter doesn’t mind Italian food."

"Heh, well, once Johnny’s Ma realizes there’s another woman in his life, she’ll run Skeeter out of the house"" Kermit said. "And once Skeeter sees that Johnny cares more for his Ma than he could ever care for any girl, she'll run herself out of the house."

Scooter and Sal looked at each other. "Which would make our bet..." Sal started.

"Null and void." Scooter sighed.

"Yup," Kermit said, continuing into the kitchen, just as Pepe and Rizzo came walking in the back door.

"No, Ritzo, jou said jou had de bus fares, hokay?"

"Me? You said you had some extra bus tokens! And d’ese buses don’t even take tokens!"

"Si, which is why jou said that jou had de bus fares!"

"It’s not my fault we’re short on money! We’re short on everyt’in! Food, height, women!"

"Speak for jourself, hokay?"

"And what is d’at s’possed to mean?"


"It means I had a very filling breakfast d’is morning. D’at, and I‘m just de teeniest bit taller d’en jou are, hokay?"

"Please, it’s da hair. You use so much hair spray, d’ere’s a big hole in de O-Zone right above your head!"

"Dis is not true, hokay? I do not juse hair spray, I can’t afford it!"

Kermit turned around. "It may just be my imagination, but are you two looking to make some extra cash?" he asked.

"Gee Einstein," Rizzo put his hands on his hips. "What gave ya d’at bright idea?"

"What is it with all d’ese t’ings over heads?" Pepe asked. "First, O-Zone hole, now light bulb. D’is is just madness, hokay?"

"Quiet." Rizzo nudged the prawn. "Da frog’s talkin’ cash."

"Si, si, go on Kermin, keep talking de monies, hokay?" Pepe leaned in close.

"Not that I condone such greed," Kermit said. "But I’ll give you each five bucks a day to look after my Aunt Marge, and keep her out of my hair."

"Kermin, jou do not have any hair, hokay?" Pepe said. "Jou have de light bulb, remember?"

"Five dollars?" Rizzo asked, disgusted. "D’at’s hobo change!"

"What does Bobo have to do with any of d’is?" Pepe asked.

"Will you just be quiet?" Rizzo asked.

"Okay then," Kermit said. "Six."

"Seven," Rizzo bartered.

"Six fifty." Kermit fought back.

"Six seventy-five." Rizzo puffed out his chest.

"Forty-t’ree t’ousand, five-hun’red, seventy-eight!" Pepe shouted.

Kermit and Rizzo both looked at the prawn, he shrugged. "Everyone else was shouting out de numbers, hokay? I felt lonely."

Rizzo shook his head. "Five fifty!" he shouted.

Kermit quickly shook Rizzo’s hand before the rat could realize what he’d done. "Deal."

Rizzo clapped his hands. "Sweet!" He smacked his lips. "So where is the old bat, anyway?"

"Upstairs, waiting for her flipper massage." Kermit leaned against the counter.

Rizzo and Pepe turned to each other. "What have you gotten us in to, Ritzo?" Pepe punched Rizzo on the arm.

"It’s not my fault!" Rizzo complained. "Da frog’s good with words! Talkin’ about hair, and light bulbs to confuse us!"

Kermit put his plate in the sink and began washing his hands. "Don’t worry guys, it won't be too bad," he said. "Between the two of you, you’ve got six hands, you’ll finish in a flash." Kermit splashed some water on the two of them. "Or, in your case, a splash."

"Oh, I wonder why," Pepe said. "It's not like we're going to rub de feets of some crabby frog, hokay? And d’at doesn't even add up, hokay? What sort of mutated animal are we dealing with here, Ritzo? What kind?"

"Trust me," Rizzo said as the two of them made their way up the stairs. "I've seen weirder."

"Si, d’ey live in d’is house, too."

Kermit grinned and returned to the sink. He continued to wash his plate as Animal and Robin walked into the kitchen. Kermit tilted his head to the side. "What are you two doing walking into the kitchen together?"

"Snack time!" They both shouted.

Kermit chuckled. "Go figure."

Robin propped himself on the counter next to the cookie jar and began digging in. "What are you doing, Uncle Kermit?"

"Waiting for the rains to come," Kermit said.

Animal began to ravage into the cookie jar as well. "But there’s not a cloud in the sky, Uncle Kermit," Robin said.

"Yah! Sunny!" Animal said, spewing cookie crumbs.

"I’m not talking about outside," Kermit said.

"What do you-"

"Get these things out of my room!" Aunt Marge’s voice rang through the Boarding House. "Now!" A metal clang shot out as the water for Aunt Marge’s flipper massage came raining down the stairs along with the basin it was in.

Rizzo came running down the stairs screaming. "That old bat’s crazy!" he shouted.

Kermit frowned. "Where’s Pepe?"

"Santa Maria!" Pepe shouted as he was flung down the stairs. He collided with the wall and landed at the bottom of the stairs. He managed to lift up his head and look at Kermit. "Jou, Kermin, are an evil, evil, mistress, hokay?" His head fell back down swiftly.

Animal blinked and looked at Kermit. "Mis-tress?" Animal asked.

Kermit shook his head. "I’m not gonna ask, and neither should you."

"O-kay!" Animal shouted, returning to the cookie jar.

Kermit walked out of the kitchen to where Pepe landed, with Robin at his side. "Good thing I didn’t pay in advance, huh?"

"Kermie!" Aunt Marge squealed. "Where’s my flipper massage?"

"Coming, Aunt Marge!" Robin called back.

"Robin, you don’t have to-" Kermit started.

Robin shrugged. "You’re too busy, Uncle Kermit, I’ll take care of Aunt Marge," Robin said.

Kermit smiled. "Thank you, Robin."

"No problem," Robin said as he ascended the stairs. "Just go get Miss Piggy back."

 

[TogetherAgain]

<TOTAL UTTER GLOMP!> ROBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! YEAH, UNCLE KERMIT, GOT GET MISS PIGGY BACK! WHEEEEEEE!

<Ahem> In other news. Animal is awesome, though not as awesome as ROBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! <Ahem> And I just LOVE his reactions to- well, everything. Also, simply adore the betting, and Kermit's opinion, and Rizzo and Pepe and Aunt Marge and foot massage and the rains and sunny and substitute teacher and WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ROBIN ROBIN ROBIN! <GLOMP!> <Totally snuggles Prawnie>

MORE PLEASE MORE PLEASE MORE PLEASE WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

[The Count]

Yep... Lisa covered pretty much everything. Thanks for the new chapter... Post more wen you can please.

 

[BeakerSqueedom]

I.Love.You.Prawn. XD

 

[Ruahnna]

Everybody all together now: Awwwww--that Robin is a cutie, huh? And such a fine, self-sacrificing little fellow. Be kindof hard not to do what he asked, seein' as how he was making such a big sacrifice for you, huh, Kermit?
Kermit: Um, er....
And while you're at it--get the diva pig some caffeine, will ya?

 

[redBoobergurl]

Another wonderful chapter and I'm going to be lame and echo the sentiments already expressed, Robin is cute, the betting was hilarious and awesome, great chapter overall, more please!