Muppet Fan-Fiction - Men Are Pigs

[The Count]

Hey... Isn't it about time you updated this story Prawn? Fright, thought so. Post more or penguins will fly!

 

[theprawncracker]

Coming, coming! I'm writing! I'm writing!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 7

"Ah ha," Kermit said with a frown. "Um, Animal?"

"Yah?" Animal asked, wide-eyed, from behind his drum set on stage.

"I don’t think the stage can handle another performance of that song," Kermit said.

Animal blinked. "No more love song?"

Kermit shook his head. "Not when it’s a high-octane version of ‘Unforgettable.’"

Fozzie rubbed his head. "The headache it gave me is certainly unforgettable..."

Kermit nodded. "Go bye-bye, Animal."

"Go bye-bye!" Animal shouted, pushing his drum set off stage. Quite literally actually, right off the stage, back into the band pit.

Clifford propped his feet up on the seat in front of him. "Now what?"

"A death-defying spectacle of unbeknownst proportions?" Gonzo asked wildly.
"What?" Fozzie asked.

Gonzo shrugged. "I’m not sure. I just thought I’d ask."

"Man, I just wish you’d hurry it up with this next act," Floyd called from the band pit (that was noticeably missing Janice). "We can’t be real musicians if we’re workin’ all day!"

Kermit scrunched up his face. "We wouldn’t want that... Scooter, what’s the next number?"

Scooter looked down at the clipboard and grinned. "I- uh, well I think I’ll keep it a surprise."

"It’s not the union of susceptible jack hammers again, is it?" Kermit asked.

"No, I can promise you that much, boss," Scooter said.

"Oh good. Alright Gonzo, give the go ahead," Kermit told the weirdo.

"Check!" Gonzo shouted. "Gonzo to Rowlf, Gonzo to Rowlf! Launch the next number!" he said into his headpiece.

Rowlf nodded. "You got it," he said into a matching headpiece from backstage. "Alright ladies, you’re up!"

Janice, Camilla, and Skeeter grinned from behind Rowlf. "Thanks Rowlf!" Skeeter said as they began to walk onto the stage.

"Knock ‘em dead," Rowlf called after them. "‘Course ya already killed Gonzo, Clifford, and Floyd inside, but who am I to judge? I’m just a dog," he mumbled.

"Bragawk!" Camilla clucked loudly as the girls took position on stage.

"What’d she say?" Dr. Teeth asked.

"Hit it!" Skeeter shouted.

The band did as they were told, striking up their instruments. Floyd kept watch on Janice out of the corner of his eye.

"I come home in the morning light
My mother says, ‘When ya gonna live your life right?’" Skeeter sang.

"Like, mother dear, we’re not the fortunate ones
And girls just wanna have fun, rully," Janice sang.

"Oh girls just wanna have fun," Skeeter and Janice harmonized.

"Brawk bagawk bawk byuck brawk
Buck bawk bruck bawk brawk bragawk," Camilla clucked.

"Oh, daddy dear, you know you’re still number one," Janice sang.

"But girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have-"

"That’s all they really want
Some fun
When the working day is done
Girls- they want to have fun
Girls just want to have fun," all three girls sang, Camilla just tried to cluck along.

"I think they’re saying we weren’t any fun!" Gonzo said.

Clifford rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses. "What gave ya that idea?"

Skeeter took center stage and pierced a gaze through Clifford’s shades, and continued singing. "Some guys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun!" Skeeter sang. Clifford sunk down into his seat slowly.

"Oh girls just wanna have fun
Like, girls just wanna have-" Janice sang.

"Brawk byuck bragawk bawk!" Camilla clucked.

"Some fun
When the working day is done
Girls- they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun."

"They want to have fun," Janice sang.

"Brawk bagawk brawk," Camilla sang.

"They want to have fun!" Skeeter shouted.

By this time Floyd had dropped his guitar in disbelief. Gonzo and Clifford stared up at the stage with their mouths open. The entire theater sat silent for a few seconds.

Until Fozzie and Scooter broke out in manic applause. "Yeah! Yeah! Oh, that was so good!" Fozzie applauded. "Didn’t you think so, Kermit?"

"Yeah, wasn’t that just great boss?" Scooter asked. "I think they should open this weeks show!"

Kermit gulped, knowing for certain he was getting glares from a whatever, a bass player, and a... catfish type thing. "Well... uh, we still have other acts to-"

"No, no, that was it, wasn’t it, Scooter?" Fozzie asked.

"Yeah, boss!" Scooter said, both the bear and the go-fer leaned in close to the frog.

"Well... um... I don’t see why-"

"That’s fantastic!" Scooter declared.

Clifford cracked his knuckles. "I’m about to add a fantastic sized bruise to your cheek," he muttered.

"At least it wasn’t Piggy up there, right Fozzie?" Kermit asked.

"Left Kermit," Fozzie said.

Kermit slapped his head and sunk down into his seat as the men argued, and the women walked off stage triumphantly.

<~><~><~><~><~>

Kermit kept his eyes glued to the pavement, drawing his trench coat close to his neck as he walked out of the theater. The walk home had gotten longer these days, without a pretty pig or a bouncing nephew walking with him and holding his hand.

"This dumb trench coat," he muttered. "It’s blazing out here, and I have to wear this thing just to maintain my image."

"Hey, frog, watch where you're goin'!" a voice shouted at him.

Kermit looked up, and his eyes were blinded as a camera went off in his face. Kermit brought his hand in front of his face. "Ach," he cried. "What is going on?"

The photographer let his camera hang from his chest, pulling out a notepad and pen from his ear. "Name’s Vic Romano, reporter slash photographer for ‘Slanderous Junk Weekly’, you must've heard of us," the man said with a thick New Jersey accent.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "I’m- uh, well, I’m afraid not. Now if you’ll excuse me-"

"Whadaya mean haven’t heard of us?" Vic Romano shouted. "We’re on every newsstand in these here U-nited States!"

Kermit frowned. "I try to stay away from the tabloids. I really have to be-"

"Are you kiddin’ me, Frog?" Vic Romano laughed. "You practically are the tabloids these days!"

Kermit let his eyes meet that of the reporter slash photographer. "Pardon?"

"You mean you don't know?" Vic Romano asked. "You and those two pigs have made the front pages for almost a week! It’s amazin’ gettin’ a picture of that girl pig, though. She practically poses for ‘em!"

Kermit frowned again. "How do ya mean?" he asked.

"Heh, come with me, Frog. You've got a lot to see." Vic Romano put his hand on Kermit’s back, walking him down the sidewalk.

The next thing Kermit knew, he was standing in front of a newsstand, eyes glued on the hundreds of copies of "Slanderous Junk Weekly" set up along the boards.

"Hey, slimey," the newsstand owner said to Kermit. "Ya gonna buy somethin’ or what? This ain't no museum."

Vic Romano leaned against a telephone pole, smacking on an apple. "Buy one, Frog, you’ll be impressed, I’m sure."

"Somehow I doubt that." Kermit muttered, forcefully pulling out his wallet. He walked up to the clerk, "One, please," he practically demanded.

The salesmen took Kermit's money and handed him a copy of the magazine. "Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?"

Vic Romano swallowed his bite of apple. "Page thirteen."

Kermit took a seat on the curb at Vic Romano’s feet. The cover was enough to rip the poor frog to shreds, a picture of Miss Piggy and Link, one of each of their hands clasped together, and Piggy's other hand waving to the camera.

In big, bold, red letters, splattered above Piggy's head, it read: "PIG ON PIG ROMANCE! DOES THE PUBLIC APPROVE?" Kermit scoffed. "Does the public approve?" he asked aloud. "Since when does Piggy care what the public-"

"You’ll find out that the answer’s yes." Vic Romano kneeled down besides Kermit.

Kermit frowned. "You know, you’re not helping," he said blankly. He returned his attention to the magazine. Down in the bottom right hand corner of the cover was a picture of Kermit from a past show, when he sang "Bein’ Green", he looked positively miserable. Underneath, it read: "Frog Wallows in Grief, Pig Wallows in Link, the Exclusive Story, page 17."

"Yeah, not a very flattering picture, I must admit." Vic Romano had sat down now. "But open up, there are some good ones of you and the pig before the spat."

"No thanks." Kermit shoved the magazine in Vic Romano’s chest. He stood up and began to walk away.

"Hey, where ya goin’?" Vic Romano called. "Don’t I get an exclusive interview? You know, for showin’ ya the real story?"

Kermit stopped dead in his tracks, his back still facing Vic Romano. "Here’s an exclusive story for you," he said without turning around. "Frog hires dynamite plunger-happy lunatic to take out annoying reporter slash photographer."

Vic Romano laughed. "Nice talkin’ to ya, Frog. See ya ‘round the swamp sometime."

"Only if you're really, really lucky," Kermit said, starting to walk again.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Vic Romano called down the sidewalk.

"If you’re really, really lucky," Kermit called back. "In the swamp, that means you’ve just seen an alligator."

"Yeah, what about here in the city?" Vic Romano asked.

Kermit finally turned around, and smirked. "Watch out for semis."

The frog turned around, and slowly walked away.

 

[TogetherAgain]

<GLOMP!> <GLOMP OF GREAT GLOMPINESS!>

"We can’t be real musicians if we’re workin’ all day!"

LOVE this line! It just makes me squeefulate. ...<Adds to PTD>

"Knock ‘em dead," Rowlf called after them. "‘Course ya already killed Gonzo, Clifford, and Floyd inside, but who am I to judge? I’m just a dog," he mumbled.

I ADORE THIS LINE! I ADORE IT TO PIECES! And not just because it's Rowlf, although I will admit, that DOES play a part. <Ahem> But it's ROWLF and it's OHHHHHHHH they're hurting inside! THE GUYS ARE HURTING INSIDE! DEAD inside! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh okay all right I give up I surrender I FEEL BAD FOR THE GUYS NOW! Oy, WRENCH it out of me why don't you... and with my OWN ROOMMATE! Oyyyyyy... I grieve...

Floyd kept watch on Janice out of the corner of his eye.

LOVE that. He misses her, and... <sigh> It just sorta shows his devotion to her in a very, very small way. Can't get your mind off of that girl, eh Floyd?

Skeeter took center stage and pierced a gaze through Clifford’s shades, and continued singing. "Some guys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun!" Skeeter sang. Clifford sunk down into his seat slowly.

OUCH. Ohhhhhh, HE'S still so stuck on HER, too, and just... She SO aimed that RIGHT at him, and it had SUCH an affect and... Oy, but we girls are a ruthless bunch, aren't we? ...For your own safety, do NOT answer that.

By this time Floyd had dropped his guitar in disbelief. Gonzo and Clifford stared up at the stage with their mouths open. The entire theater sat silent for a few seconds.

THEY'RE ALL HURTING! ALL! IN! PAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIN! And the girls SO got their point across! PRAWNIE! How can you confuse me like this? How can you make me HURT so much for the guys and cheer on the girls at the same time? CURSES! GARGH!

Until Fozzie and Scooter broke out in manic applause. "Yeah! Yeah! Oh, that was so good!" Fozzie applauded. "Didn’t you think so, Kermit?"

"Yeah, wasn’t that just great boss?" Scooter asked. "I think they should open this weeks show!"

...Okay, so, not ALL in pain. HAAAAAAA! LOVE that Scooter and Fozzie are SO siding with the girls! ...Well, okay, so Scooter is siding with the girls, and Fozzie is either siding with the girls or ignoring/oblivious to the situation all together. But STILL! LOVE that it's those two!

Kermit gulped, knowing for certain he was getting glares from a whatever, a bass player, and a... catfish type thing. "Well... uh, we still have other acts to-"

<Giggles> And Kermit is SO caught. LOVE the description of Clifford! And, I don't feel like quoting it, but I LOVE how they just kind of pressure him into making that the opening of the show!

And past here, it won't let me quote, so... I just may have to make another post. Don't mind me. In the mean time- MORE PLEASE!

 

[The Count]

Ooh! Vonderful! Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. Vic and SJW! Yaeeeyyy! Post more!

 

[TogetherAgain]

Clifford cracked his knuckles. "I’m about to add a fantastic sized bruise to your cheek," he muttered.

Call me a sadistic, evil woman, but I love the way he hurts. He deals with pain in such a comedic way. Like, HELLO, Clifford- why not APOLOGIZE to Skeeter instead of punching her brother's lights out? I guarantee, one is MUCH more likely to win her back than the other.

"At least it wasn’t Piggy up there, right Fozzie?" Kermit asked.

"Left Kermit," Fozzie said.

Muppet Central members and guests, please plug your ears.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
And, okay, you KNOW how much I love the scene with VIC! With SLANDEROUS JUNK WEEKLY! WHEEEEEEE! <Ahem> But I just thought I'd reiterate that I LOVE IT SO MUCH! And I LOVE the thing about "Only if you're really, really lucky" and "Watch out for semis" and WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! AND KERMIT'S SUGGESTION FOR THE EXCLUSIVE STORY! OH I AM A HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY TOGA! WHEEEEEEEEEE!

<Ahem.> Now then.

MORE PLEASE!

Edit: Thanks for interjecting so this wasn't a double-post, Ed!

 

[Leyla]

<deeeeep breath>
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh....

<backs up a few paces>
Thump. Thump. Thump.

<backs up a few more>
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

<ponders>
Hmmmm...

<backs up, why not, a few more>
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

<exhales>
Whoooooooosh...

<inhales>
Ahhhhhhhh...

<darts towards target at top speed>
ThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThump

<GLOMP!>

WHEEEEEEEEEE!

Okay, we both know I've been Lurky mcLurk Lurk lately... and I honestly DO expect that to change... but anyway, I'm sorry I've been hidden away... but! You know I love ya, AND your story, right? Cause, of course! It's one of my all-time favorites of yours really, and you even started posting it on my birthday, which is too classy for words!

You do know how to my a gal feel loved, you rascal. <ruffles Prawnie's hair>

"Ah ha," Kermit said with a frown. "Um, Animal?"

"Yah?" Animal asked, wide-eyed, from behind his drum set on stage.

I already knew I was going to love this conversation by this point. Animal is SO much fun, and for whatever reason, I love it when he talks to Kermit. They're such opposites, and yet, I think there's a little Kermit in Animal, and a little Animal in Kermit. (Just don't ask me to give evidence. My essay writing days are, for the most part, behind me.)

Also... "Yah?" I love how you spelled that! I know, I know, what difference does it make. Well, when you're obsessive about such things, then it makes a big difference, and little words like that make such a big impact on me. See, I actually think about how I'm going to spell words like, "um," and "uh huh," and "mmhmm." And I even think about which one I'm going to choose... for instance, is Kermit going to say 'um' or 'uh'... I will actually turn that over in my head for a while, until I pick the one that sounds right in my head. (Betcha you didn't know I was that crazy.) The point is... "yah?" is awesome spelling that makes me very very happy. Thank you.

"I don’t think the stage can handle another performance of that song," Kermit said.

Animal blinked. "No more love song?"

Kermit shook his head. "Not when it’s a high-octane version of ‘Unforgettable.’"

<laughs!> Oh, yeah... that's a beautiful thing. I was listening to "Tenderly" just yesterday, and thinking of how fantastic it is. Makes me want to jump around wildly. Animal's rendition of Unforgettable would certainly live up to its name I'm sure.

Fozzie rubbed his head. "The headache it gave me is certainly unforgettable..."

Fozzie is only not funny when he's on stage.

Kermit nodded. "Go bye-bye, Animal."

"Go bye-bye!" Animal shouted, pushing his drum set off stage. Quite literally actually, right off the stage, back into the band pit.

I love Kermit... so... low-key... until enough of his buttons have been pushed. The mind of anyone else in his position would have snapped like an old rubber band YEARS ago, annd whilst I have my doubts of Kermit's sanity... he does love them, and he does know how to talk to the muppets. "Go bye- bye, Animal." Beautiful.

Clifford propped his feet up on the seat in front of him. "Now what?"

"A death-defying spectacle of unbeknownst proportions?" Gonzo asked wildly.
"What?" Fozzie asked.

Gonzo shrugged. "I’m not sure. I just thought I’d ask."

So... they just watched Animal performing "Unforgettable," and Gonzo's still looking for something death-defying? That's our dear whatever, isn't it, whatever it is. So, that on it's own, is funny enough, and then Fozzie asks what? and, you know, it took me awhile to catch on that he's actually wondering what Gonzo's idea is... not, say, in fear for his life, not, as I would be, trying to brace for impact, but just...what? So open...and that's Fozzie too, no matter how many times he gets burned, always open.

I wish there was more muppet in the world, and no, I didn't for get the 's'. Not more Muppets... more muppet.

"Man, I just wish you’d hurry it up with this next act," Floyd called from the band pit (that was noticeably missing Janice). "We can’t be real musicians if we’re workin’ all day!"

<laughs!>
I have a degree in music. Not only would this make musicians laugh... it would make them nod their heads in agreement. Prawnie, you rock.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "We wouldn’t want that... Scooter, what’s the next number?"

Frog knows musicians too.

Scooter looked down at the clipboard and grinned. "I- uh, well I think I’ll keep it a surprise."

Nice little ribbing (not ribbiting!) of the boss there from Scooter. For all of his "Yes, boss" and "Sure thing"-ing, Scooter is a positive expert in giving Kermit a hard time... and he's one of the most subtle at it too, and I like to see that tweaking now and again.

"It’s not the union of susceptible jack hammers again, is it?" Kermit asked.

I don't know what they're susceptible to, but given their uh, occupation, it can't be headaches... uunless of course it IS headaches, which would be beautifully ironic and very muppety.

"Check!" Gonzo shouted. "Gonzo to Rowlf, Gonzo to Rowlf! Launch the next number!" he said into his headpiece.

Was anyone else VERY glad Gonzo said that to Rowlf, and not to virtually ANY other muppet? "What? Launch? Well, if you say so..." or perhaps, "What? Lunch the next number? Great, I've been so hungry today..."

"Knock ‘em dead," Rowlf called after them. "‘Course ya already killed Gonzo, Clifford, and Floyd inside, but who am I to judge? I’m just a dog," he mumbled.

OOoh, ouch, Rowlf. I'll assume that was with the break up, and not their hard work before the break up.

Love the song choice, rully very fun. Nice to see the girls teaming up to put the guys in their place after that nasty little display not too long ago.

Skeeter took center stage and pierced a gaze through Clifford’s shades, and continued singing. "Some guys take a beautiful girl
And hide her away from the rest of the world
I wanna be the one to walk in the sun!" Skeeter sang. Clifford sunk down into his seat slowly.

Am I the only one who hears this in Larry King's voice? I am? Hmm. Just checking.

Until Fozzie and Scooter broke out in manic applause. "Yeah! Yeah! Oh, that was so good!" Fozzie applauded. "Didn’t you think so, Kermit?"

<giggleS> Scooter being manipulative, for the sheer joy of it? Check.
Fozzie being a naive pawn with a heart of gold? Check.

"Yeah, wasn’t that just great boss?" Scooter asked. "I think they should open this weeks show!"

Kermit gulped, knowing for certain he was getting glares from a whatever, a bass player, and a... catfish type thing. "Well... uh, we still have other acts to-"

Frog caught awkwardly and innocently in the middle with no clear escape route? Check check.

Also... CATFISH! Prawnie I LOVE you ...like the auntie...granny I am.

Kermit kept his eyes glued to the pavement, drawing his trench coat close to his neck as he walked out of the theater. The walk home had gotten longer these days, without a pretty pig or a bouncing nephew walking with him and holding his hand.

Aww... <sniff> Now that is a sure way to get to my heart. Without a pretty pig or a bouncing nephew. Goodness... like shooting Layla in a barrel... and believe me, I'm an easier target than fish would be.

"This dumb trench coat," he muttered. "It’s blazing out here, and I have to wear this thing just to maintain my image."

What a BRILLLIANT line, Prawnie! I mean, that's SO funny! Where on earth did you find that inspired piece of dialogue?

"Hey, frog, watch where you're goin'!" a voice shouted at him.

Kermit looked up, and his eyes were blinded as a camera went off in his face. Kermit brought his hand in front of his face. "Ach," he cried. "What is going on?"

I'm always sort of impressed with Kermit that he still has the strength to ask that question after so many years of Muppet chaos.

The photographer let his camera hang from his chest, pulling out a notepad and pen from his ear. "Name’s Vic Romano, reporter slash photographer for ‘Slanderous Junk Weekly’, you must've heard of us," the man said with a thick New Jersey accent.

YAY! Love the reference, love that he actually says "slash" and love the accent.

"Are you kiddin’ me, Frog?" Vic Romano laughed. "You practically are the tabloids these days!"

How I want that to be true.

Kermit let his eyes meet that of the reporter slash photographer. "Pardon?"

"You mean you don't know?" Vic Romano asked. "You and those two pigs have made the front pages for almost a week! It’s amazin’ gettin’ a picture of that girl pig, though. She practically poses for ‘em!"

<snickers> That's my girl! Well... that's Kermit's girl! Or... she will be again anyway!

Kermit frowned again. "How do ya mean?" he asked.

Has it been THAT long since you've been around Piggy, Kermit?

The salesmen took Kermit's money and handed him a copy of the magazine. "Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?"

Vic Romano swallowed his bite of apple. "Page thirteen."

Ha! Great line!

In big, bold, red letters, splattered above Piggy's head, it read: "PIG ON PIG ROMANCE! DOES THE PUBLIC APPROVE?" Kermit scoffed. "Does the public approve?" he asked aloud. "Since when does Piggy care what the public-"

<giggles> Wow... heartbreaking for Kermit, very funny and just a little bit disturbing. You pack a lot in a paragraph, Prawn!

"You’ll find out that the answer’s yes." Vic Romano kneeled down besides Kermit.

More evidence that public opinion has never matched up with mine. Fascinating idea though, that the public approves Piggy and Link... intriguing.

Kermit frowned. "You know, you’re not helping," he said blankly. He returned his attention to the magazine. Down in the bottom right hand corner of the cover was a picture of Kermit from a past show, when he sang "Bein’ Green", he looked positively miserable. Underneath, it read: "Frog Wallows in Grief, Pig Wallows in Link, the Exclusive Story, page 17."

Well, he's not really trying to Kermit. Don't worry! I'm still in your corner! The headlines are fantastic PRawnie... very grating and cruel and... yeah... true to tabloid form.

"Yeah, not a very flattering picture, I must admit." Vic Romano had sat down now. "But open up, there are some good ones of you and the pig before the spat."

"No thanks." Kermit shoved the magazine in Vic Romano’s chest. He stood up and began to walk away.

Ooh, good Kermit and Piggy pics? I wanna see them!

Kermit stopped dead in his tracks, his back still facing Vic Romano. "Here’s an exclusive story for you," he said without turning around. "Frog hires dynamite plunger-happy lunatic to take out annoying reporter slash photographer."

Oooh, go froggy! I've always wondered why he hired Harry. I guess he was too kind hearted to put him to good use in the past. Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Harry's gotta blow us all up sky-high...

Vic Romano laughed. "Nice talkin’ to ya, Frog. See ya ‘round the swamp sometime."

"Only if you're really, really lucky," Kermit said, starting to walk again.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Vic Romano called down the sidewalk.

"If you’re really, really lucky," Kermit called back. "In the swamp, that means you’ve just seen an alligator."

Oooooh, NICE reference!

"Yeah, what about here in the city?" Vic Romano asked.

Kermit finally turned around, and smirked. "Watch out for semis."

The frog turned around, and slowly walked away.

<laughs> Wow, dark from our erstwhile frog, but I like it. Nice spin on the old line, and one can hardly blame, Kermit!

So... am I forgiven my lurkiness yet?

 

[redBoobergurl]

Man, I wanted to give this chapter a detailed review because it is that awesome, but your other half and your other third did a pretty good job of it so there's not much else I can say. My highlights though would be:

Animal "Go bye bye" - Muppet Babies!
The girls singing and I love how Skeeter looked right at Clifford with the line "I want to be the one to walk in the sun"
Fozzie and Kermit, right and left
VIC ROMANO! Slanderous Junk Weekly! AWESOME! I loved it and it was just a great addition, seriously awesome!

Ok, now go write some more!

 

[theprawncracker]

Chapter 8

Gonzo walked out of the Boarding House bathroom. "Well," Kermit said. "How did it go?"

"Fine, I guess," Gonzo said. "But I didn’t get to go to the bathroom."

Kermit frowned. "What did you get to do?"

"Be a part of an exciting new five step relationship program," Gonzo said.

Floyd looked at Kermit and blinked. "You are so lucky," Kermit said.

"Why’s that, green stuff?" Floyd asked. "My gal left me too."

"Yeah," Kermit said. "But you can blink."

"Mm." Floyd nodded. "Got me there."

"Well, who’s next?" Clifford asked.

"Floyd," Kermit said. "He lost the toss."

"Yeah, well," Floyd said. "The frog cheated. I tossed the coin, and he said ‘Don’t blink.’ I’m always blinkin’ man!"

"I knew my lack of eyelids would come in handy someday," Kermit said.

"Rotten frog, sayin’ I was lucky..." Floyd muttered as he walked into the bathroom.

Clifford leaned against the railing. "Hope it doesn’t take Floyd too long," he said. "I’m runnin’ outta things to throw off the railing at Bean."

"Finally!" Bean Bunny hopped up off the ground downstairs.

"Heh, heh." Clifford laughed. "So, Gonzo, tell us how it all went down in there."

Gonzo shrugged. "It’s pretty much just what you’d expect from that sort of thing," he said. "Where’s Camilla?"

"Still in session," Clifford said, pointing down the hall where Skeeter, Janice, and Miss Piggy stood, all not so much as glancing at the men.

"She’s sure been in there a long time," Kermit said.

"She does have a lot to vent about," Clifford said. "‘Nuff to write a book about, I think."

"Yeah," Kermit remarked. "Like ‘Chicken Coop for the Teenage Soul’?"

"I thought Fozzie went with Aunt Marge and Robin for ice cream," Rowlf said as he climbed the stairs. "Looks like his jokes leave quite the aftermath."

"Yeah Kermit," Gonzo said. "I didn’t think it was very funny at all."

"You wouldn’t." Clifford smirked.

"Yeah, well, you won’t think it’s funny when he starts making jokes about misses Skeeter Fiama!" Gonzo said.

"Alright, that’s it!" Clifford shouted. "When I get through with ya your nose is gonna be so straight, Bunsen’ll be able to use it as a straight edge!"

"Is that a threat?" Gonzo shouted.

"Nah, I’m askin’ ya out to go dancin’," Clifford said sarcastically.

"Well, show’s how much you know! Because I don’t have any dancing shoes!" Gonzo huffed, he folded his arms and walked down the stairs.

Clifford lowered his glasses. "Guy’s got problems."

Kermit stared at Clifford. "How long have you lived here?"

"Long enough to know that whatever lies in that bathroom, it ain’t worth my time," Clifford said. "Catch ya later, Kerm. I’m gonna go dig up my little black book." Clifford said, walking away to his room.

Meanwhile, down the hall, Skeeter pulled back her sleeve and checked her watch. "Alright, I quit! C’mon, Janice, let’s go."

"Like, okay," Janice said. "But should we wake Piggy?"

Miss Piggy snored loudly as she lay up against the railing. Kermit shook his head. Rowlf chuckled to himself.

"Nah," Skeeter said. "She needs all the beauty rest she can get."

"Oh, like, that’s not nice," Janice said as she and Skeeter walked towards Kermit. "Though, totally true."

The two girls giggled as they passed by Kermit and Rowlf. "Hi ladies," Kermit said with a smile.

The two of them turned to look at him. Skeeter snubbed him off and walked away. Janice bit her lip and bent down to Kermit’s eye level. "Like, sorry, Kermit, but we’re totally not supposed to talk to you. Later!" Janice waved, running to catch up with Skeeter.

Kermit sighed. "Good grief..." he groaned, sliding down against the railing as well.

Rowlf sat down next to him. "Havin’ a fun week, eh?"

Kermit smirked. "You have no idea."

"Nope," Rowlf said. "And I plan to keep it that way."

"Then what are you doing up here?" Kermit asked.

"The fire hydrant was occupied," Rowlf said.

The bathroom door opened again and Floyd came out shaking his head. "Man, oh man, green stuff," Floyd said. "You’re in for a real... well... a real treat. Hah, hah, hah." Floyd laughed.

"How so?" Kermit asked.

"Oh, you’ll see. Just go on in. Big blue’s lookin’ for ya," Floyd said.

"Big... blue?" Kermit asked, looking skeptically at Rowlf, who shrugged.

"Just go on in," Floyd said, sticking out his hand for Kermit.

Kermit smiled and grabbed it, Floyd pulled the frog to his feet. "Thanks, Floyd."

"Anytime Kermit, anytime. Have fun in there," Floyd said, ankling off to find something to do.

Kermit shook his head, shrugged once more at Rowlf, and walked into the bathroom.

Butch sat on the towel hamper in a business suit with glasses on his face and a clipboard in his hands. "Ah, mister the Frog, we’ve been expecting you," Butch said in an official-like voice.

"Butch... what is all this?" Kermit asked.

"A relationship counseling program," Butch said. "Please, have a seat." Butch motion for Kermit to sit on the toilet.

"Where?" Kermit asked.

"The toilet of course," Butch said.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Of course," he said, taking a seat on the head.

"So, what seems to be the problem?" Butch asked, straightening his frame-less eyeglasses.

"Butch," Kermit said. "Miss Piggy isn’t even here."

"Oh, I know," Butch said. "She’s next door, with Clyde. This is the first step of our patented relationship counseling program."

Kermit scrunched up his face. "I’m sure it is," he said. "But do we have to do it in the bathroom?"

"It’s one of the two places we could get privacy," Butch said.

"Where’s the other?" Kermit asked.

"The coat closet."

"Oh."

"Anyway," Butch said, flipping through some papers on a clipboard. "What’s going wrong in your relationship with Miss Piggy?"

"Oh, well that’s easy," Kermit said. "The real, big problem that just stands out to me right now, is that she’s dating someone else, and not me." Kermit smirked.

"Hmm." Butch stroked his large chin. "I can see how that would be a problem, yes," he said.

Kermit scrunched up his face. "Any advice, doctor?" Kermit asked sarcastically.

Butch didn’t pick up on the sarcasm."Well, what made her suddenly lose interest in you? Any idea how that could have happened?"

"You were there when it happened, Butch!" Kermit said.

"Dr. Butch, if you please," Butch said.

Kermit groaned. "I don’t even see why I need this relationship counseling. It’s not like there’s anything I can do to change it."

"Have you tried dating someone else to get back at her?" Butch asked.

"All of the women in the house are taken. Well, except Gloria Goldfish, but she’s a tad-bit too high maintenance for me. She needs her tank cleaned every three weeks," Kermit said.

"We can work around that," Butch said, scribbling something on his clipboard.
Kermit scrunched up his face again. "What? The tank cleaning, or the lack of women?"

"Whichever you think would be best, sir, we at ‘Healing Hearts of Helpless Hormonal Hands’ are here to please," Butch said.

Kermit silently cursed the fact that he lacked eyelids. "‘Helpless Hormonal Hands’?" Kermit asked.

Butch shrugged. "We needed another H word," he said. "It seemed to fit for some reason."

Kermit shook his head. "You know what," Kermit said. "Surprise me." He got up from his seat on the toilet, ready to leave.

"Whoa, hold up, Kermit!" Butch said.

"What is it?" Kermit asked.

"That’ll be thirty-eight ninety-five," Butch said.

"But you didn’t even do anything!" Kermit said.

"Not yet," Butch said. "Catch my drift?"

"I have a feeling I’m about to," Kermit said. "I’ll have Scooter put the check in the mail tomorrow."

"Make it out to Quintuple-H Industries," Butch said.

Kermit scrunched up his face, those muscles were certainly getting a workout this afternoon. "Of course," he said, and walked out of the bathroom.

"‘Bout time," Rowlf said, standing outside the bathroom. "Sometimes I regret potty-training," he said. He slapped Kermit gently on the back. "How’d it go in there?"

Kermit shrugged. "Nothing happened, really," he said. "Is Piggy done yet?"

"Almost," Rowlf said.

"HI-YA!"

Clyde came flying out of the coat closet, with the closet door as a new neck fashion piece.

"Yup, now she’s done," Rowlf said.

"Looks like her meeting went almost as well as mine," Kermit said.

"Good thing, or bad thing?" Rowlf asked.

"Not sure," Kermit said. "But I have a feeling we’ll find out soon enough."
"We always do," Rowlf said.

Butch came out of the bathroom, with his clipboard in hand. "Finally," Rowlf mumbled.

"Just a second," Butch said. "We’re waiting for some guys to come by and measure out space for my desk."

"Your what?" Kermit asked.

"My desk!" Butch said. "How can you expect us to run a successful relationship counseling business without desks?"

"Not in the bathroom!" Kermit shouted.

"But it’s our main office!" Butch complained.

"Yeah," Clyde said, hobbling over. "And it’s much nicer than the coat closet."

 

[TogetherAgain]

<GLOMP!>

I'll say more tomorrow when I'm not trying to clear my bed off and get to sleep for work in the morning.

MORE PLEASE!